Previously on The Real World: it was really boring.
The opening song on the soundtrack seems to have been expressly written for me, as it goes, "I'm happy. I'm feeling glad." Hey, me too, Mr. Soundtrack Song Singer! I'm happy because this is the last episode of this incredibly dull season. It's not even that it was boring to watch, although it kind of was. It's that there was very little controversy, and no one did anything that offensive, which left me with very little material for recap writing. I mean, I could write volumes about how annoying Amaya is, or how cheesy David from Seattle is, or how ridiculous David from New Orleans is. But I couldn't generate more than a paragraph about anyone on this season. Except maybe the Turtleneck Twins, and I doubt that they will be in this episode. Anyway, on with the finale.
As every season finale must begin by law, the roommates are packing their belongings in preparation for moving out. In an interview, Kevin says that, in a few days, he won't wake up and get to ask Mike and Malik what they are doing that day, and it sucks. Kevin gives Mike an action figure of The Rock, calling it "a little mini-Mike." The Rock has more charisma in his little finger than Mike has in his entire body. Actually, don't get me started on Mike's body. Mike goes into his stupid "Miz" voice, pretending to be a professional wrestler, but actually sounds like his nose is stuffed up, and he's a touch on the slow side. Actually, maybe that is a good approximation of a professional wrestler. And I say this as someone who recapped WWF Smackdown. In an interview, Mike says that he's going to miss the "brotherly stuff that we do." Mike then proceeds to give a speech to The Rock action figure, but the speech is too dumb for me to transcribe. Kevin voice-overs that Mike is crazy; upstairs, Rachel listens to Mike and giggles. Probably out of embarrassment at how stupid Mike sounds.
Because every storyline must have closure, the editors spend a little time explaining to us some more about how much Mike and Quarrel have changed. Mike and Quarrel walk down the street. In an interview, Mike explains that he wants to go to dinner with Quarrel so that they can lay everything out on the table and discuss their issues. Mike tells Quarrel that he never thought they would be going out to dinner together. In an interview, Quarrel says that she and Mike have both done a lot of changing, and that they have somehow met in the middle. Quarrel tells Mike that she had preconceived notions of who he was. Mike asks what those were, and Quarrel says that she thought he was ignorant, with no thoughts for other people, and a bad friend. Quarrel needs to lay off the cigarettes, because she is huffing and puffing from the walk down the street. The funniest part is that Mike doesn't object to being thought of as ignorant. He's more upset that Quarrel thought that he was a bad friend. Quarrel reminds him of the time he thought that she was being mean to his friends. Ah, yes. The panty-droppers incident. We see a flashback to said incident, and it's really amazing how much Quarrel has changed in attitude, at least. She used to be all smirky and bitchy, and she doesn't seem to be that way as much anymore. Maybe it's all for show, but the juxtaposition of Quarrel and Coral is striking.
At dinner, Mike brings up the whole Black History Month thing, and says again that he is sorry that he hurt Quarrel. Oh, it's another flashback, to Mike's theory of why his uncle doesn't hire black people. Boy, these flashbacks sure make recapping easier. In an interview, Mike says that as soon as he made "that stupid racist comment," he remembers seeing pain in Quarrel's eyes. At the restaurant, Quarrel says that she's never been in a position where she had to deal with people she didn't like. Mike is glad that things are cool between them now. Mike asks if there is something in Quarrel's background that makes her behave the way that she does. Okay, the producers totally bribed him to ask that question, because who would ask that? No one would. Quarrel says that her father wasn't around a lot when she was young. Mike asks where her father went, and Quarrel responds that her father was in jail. D'oh! I bet Mike feels dumb. Er. Than usual. Mike and Quarrel hug on the street and agree that it was fun. When Mike asked about Quarrel's past, I totally thought that he was going to say that he was attracted to her or something. That would have been much more interesting, anyway.
Back at the house, Rachel hangs out on the roof with some friends. One of Rachel's friends -- who I'm just going to call Runt, because he is very small and scrawny -- takes Mike's wrestling belt and starts posing with it. Rachel snaps a bunch of photos. In an interview, Rachel says that she's willing to "take the fall for this." What is the big deal? It's hardly a prank on the level of Aaron's calendar, which was actually funny.
Some thunder booms as Mike returns home, and finds a picture on his bed of Runt posing with the belt. He grabs it and asks who Runt is. Malik fills Mike in. Mike grabs his belt and starts talking in the stupid wrestling voice. I think what's even worse than the voice is that Mike then walks around the house posing on the stairs in the style of a wrestler walking down to the ring. Who is he posing for? I mean, the cameras, obviously, but if you follow the conceit that the cameras don't exist, does that mean that he would be doing this if there were no cameras to record his actions? Why do I suspect that the answer is yes? Mike turns the shower on in the bathroom and then stomps into Rachel's room and picks her up out of bed. Inexplicably, there is another girl in bed with her, but no explanation or Squiggly Font of Introduction is given. Mike explains, "It is the Miz, and Rachel's going in the shower." And then we go to commercial. Oh no! What a cliffhanger. Will Rachel end up in the shower? I'm so...completely bored.
The day, Rachel tries to fold up a cardboard box, with little success. In an interview, Rachel says that she's "so completely filled with different emotions." Nicole comes in and starts helping Rachel with the cardboard box. Rachel voice-overs that she doesn't want to leave her roommates, the city, or the friends she's met outside the house.
Nicole carries a number of bags outside and into a cab. She voice-overs that she's going to donate a bunch of clothes to a battered women's shelter. Nicole explains that when she was young, she often got donated clothes, and that it feels good to be able to be the giver and not the receiver. I really wish that Nicole had talked more about her past, because I think it would have been interesting, and it also would have given us more insight into why she acts the way that she does. Or maybe she did talk about it, and it's on the cutting-room floor. Anyway, Nicole donates her clothes. I really like the skirt Nicole is wearing in this scene -- it looks like it was made out of a pair of jeans.
Back at the house, some of the roommates work on making dinner. In a confessional, Mike explains that they are going to make dinner together, then sit down and eat, and reminisce about their good times. I sense a montage coming up. It's a staple of the Real World finale. Malik, Kevin, Mike, and Quarrel work on dinner while the soundtrack sings, "If I could spend just one more day with you, I wouldn't want to, because one more day, one more day, will never be enough." More dinner preparations. This is the best that they could do? We've been reduced to watching these people make dinner?
Dinner is ready, and they start eating. In an interview, Malik says that he's established relationships that will be difficult to read, and that they are another family. Mike announces that he has made t-shirts for everyone. Basically, he's taken t-shirts and written on them in Magic Marker. Um, thanks? The first one is for Kevin, and it reads, "The Lone Star Looney -- Chew on This Beef." The one for Malik says, "Furious Fro -- We Can Pic it Out." Rachel's shirt says, "Rock Star Raven -- I'll Rock You Hard Core." For some reason, Rachel is reading the shirts out loud with Mike, and it's really annoying. Shut up, Rachel! Nicole's shirt says, "Fashion Fiend -- How About That?" When Mike pulls out Quarrel's shirt, we get a flashback to Quarrel and Lori deciding that they need to be a wrestling tag-team, and naming themselves "Coco Loco" and "The Teriyaki Terror." That was actually one of my favorite moments this season. That, and the time Lori and Rachel were bonding in the dorm room. Lori's shirt says, "Teriyaki Terror" but we don't get to hear what it says on the back. Anyway, Quarrel's shirt says, "Cocoa [sic] Loco -- Don't Give Me Any Shit." Quarrel hugs Mike. In a confessional, Mike says that they've all become family, and it's like a dream come true. For him, maybe. Not for the viewers.
Quarrel raises her glass and gives a toast, saying that they have all made friends, and then lost those friends, and then made them again. Nicole adds that they all have respect for each other. In an interview, Rachel says she doesn't think that her roommates can tell how difficult it is for her to leave them. At dinner, Rachel fights back tears, and everyone teases her. Rachel blames it on the fact that Malik's eyes are watering, but I think that Malik's eyes are probably watering for an entirely different reason, if you know what I mean. Malik comes over and hugs Rachel, and this causes Lori to start crying, too.
Man, that thirty-second clip of the Chicago season was about twenty times more interesting than anything that happened in this entire season. But then again, it's easy to make something look interesting in thirty seconds, and a lot more difficult to keep it interesting over the course of twenty episodes.
Murray: Sir. Sir! Wake up!
Bunim: I'd like to thank the voters...what?
Murray: I thought you would want to see the commercial for the Chicago season. What voters?
Bunim: Oh, I was planning my acceptance speech for the People's Choice Award.
Murray: Oh, like we're going to beat Temptation Island.
Bunim: If only the Chicago season had aired before voting ended.
It's the morning of departure day. Quarrel and Nicole wake up and giggle. Malik packs. Kevin comments that he'll never sleep in that bed again. Everyone packs and puts their stuff in huge boxes. Lori cleans the kitchen. Kevin tells Malik that they had some good memories in their bedroom, which sounds a lot kinkier than he probably meant it. The three boys hug. In an interview, Mike says that the other two guys are like his brothers, and it will be weird not waking up with them. Nicole tells Rachel that it's time to close up their room, and she needs to let it go. Rachel says she's not leaving without a pillowcase, so she grabs one. Nicole firmly closes the curtain at the entrance to their room, and then hugs Rachel. In a confessional, Nicole says that she'll be going to her own apartment, and it will be so weird.
It's finally time for everyone to leave. They all hug each other. That song by Michelle Branch that was featured to much greater effect on Buffy a few weeks ago plays, and I expect Rachel to walk around the corner and see Buffy and Spike making out. In an interview, Rachel says that she doesn't feel like a little kid anymore, and that she is more confident and able to speak up for herself.
Everyone hangs out on the street and hugs Rachel goodbye. In an interview, a teary Lori gives a final message to Rachel to stay strong, and that she's glad that she got the chance to become close with her. Nicole says that she'll probably miss Rachel the most of all. She will? When were Nicole and Rachel such good friends? Another mystery of editing, I guess. In an interview, Rachel says that she loved living with her roommates, and she will miss being picked on, and she will want it all back. Rachel finally hops into a really small white car, crying, and takes off.
Nicole is up . She hugs Quarrel, and then jokingly says goodbye to Kevin and Malik by waving her finger in their faces. Malik gets in on the joke by putting up his hand in typical Nicole style. Malik voice-overs that he and Nicole haven't become close, and they both know that, but that they will miss each other anyway. In an interview, Nicole says that her arguments with Malik have made her see things, and she appreciates it. Nicole hops into a cab, while she voice-overs that she is looking forward to being more positive.
Now it's Lori's turn to leave. Lori jokes with Kevin that she's really sorry she didn't like him back when he had feelings for her, although she is flattered that he felt that way about her. Kevin hugs her and then picks her up. In an interview, Lori says that she's been close with Kevin since the Casting Special, and that "it's been complicated, but totally, totally worth it." Lori says that she doesn't know anyone like Quarrel, and that it will be impossible to fill Quarrel's place in her life. In an interview, Quarrel says that she hopes that other people will see what a "magnificent and amazing person [Lori] is." They all huddle up for one more group hug, and then Lori takes off.
Have I mentioned that Quarrel has a kick-ass body? She's wearing a cropped t-shirt with low-cut jeans, and she looks awesome. Anyway, now it's time for Kevin to go. In an interview, Kevin talks about how great Malik is, and how Malik is his twin brother. So I guess they're fraternal twins, not identical. Although it is funny to think of Kevin with a giant Malik-type Afro. Kevin tearily hugs Mike. Malik voice-overs that he knew that Kevin would be an important person in his life the first day that he met him, and he will miss him so much.
Malik, Quarrel, and Kevin hug and talk about how much they will miss each other. Yes, this is as long and dragged out as it seems. They love each other. They will miss each other. We get it. Malik and Quarrel share a cab to the airport. Mike watches them take off. Quarrel cries in the cab. Mike voice-overs a thank-you to all of his roommates for sharing their lives and being his friends. Mike walks back into the house, alone, and sits on the couch with a big sigh. Mike voice-overs that he always thought he knew what would happen to him, but now he doesn't know, which is scary, but also exciting. Mike grabs his wrestling belt out of his bag and runs up the stairs for one last round of The Miz. Oh, Lord. They almost had me with the tears and the hugs and the crying, and I was starting to think that maybe I would actually miss these people, and then Mike had to go and renew his Greenwich Village Idiot behavior, and now I can't wait for this season to be over again. Mike lugs his bags out the door and does one final confessional in The Miz persona, which concludes with him screaming, "Are you ready?" Mike gets into a cab and leaves. I guess he was the touchstone character this season, since they ended on his face. How sad. The editors can't even wait to conclude the season, I assume, since they cut to the credits kind of abruptly, and just like that, the season is over. And now we only have to wait just over a month for the Chicago season to start. See y'all there.