Previously on The Real World: Lori was looking for a man. Everyone thought that the boys were kissing butt on the job. Okay, now they are not only including scenes that had never aired before in the "Previously" segments, they are introducing whole new themes. And why? It's not like they didn't have enough time, because this season's been so crowded with all of the other story lines. And yet, they want us to remember something that never happened, just to set up tonight's story line. Ugh. I hate this show.
The girls make some drinks in the blender and decorate the house with streamers. Nicole voice-overs that Quarrel decided to have Margarita Night in the house -- virgin margaritas. Yeah, sure. Lori wears a grass skirt, and they all wear fake plastic leis and have umbrellas in their drinks. Some other random girl is sitting on the couch to Rachel, but apparently she's not important. In a confessional, Lori says that she wants romance.
I hope that the girls are playing "Death Is Not An Option" because Nicole busts out, "Adam or Devin?" In case you don't know whom they are talking about, we flash back to the Turtleneck Twins in the office. Quarrel picks Devin, because he's taller and manlier. Nicole says, "'Manlier'?" like five times and then cackles. Yeah, those are virgin margaritas, all right. Mike walks in and asks what they're up to. He says that he was leaving work, and Adam asked him to go to the Knicks game. Someone asks Mike where his girlfriend is, and Mike asks, "Which one?" According to Lori, Mike is "getting ass all the time." This episode just gets more and more depressing. Mike heads upstairs to bed. Quarrel yells that Mike is "tired from schmoozing," and Nicole adds that his "lips are a little chafed" -- from kissing ass, apparently. Mike voice-overs that the remark was "uncalled for."
Lori voice-overs that the girls are not jealous of the boys' relationship with the bosses, because the girls don't want to be suck-ups like the boys. Kevin brings Devin some muffins. In an interview, Lori says, "Being up a person's butt is not a relationship at all." There are so many meanings to that sentence that I'm just going to leave it alone and let you fill in your own joke. In a confessional, Mike says that they are just nice to people. The boys go to visit L.A. Reid's assistant, and flirt with her. She gives them autographed pictures of Pink and Outkast. Thanks? I have to say that I wouldn't even be that excited about an autographed picture of a band I actually like. What would you do with it? Frame it and hang it up? Where? I don't know. I just don't see the point. The boys are psyched.
The girls discuss their lack of dates. In an interview, Nicole says that when you're not dating, you read a lot of books about other people's romances. Nicole thinks they should make a pact to each go on a date by the end of April. Rachel adds that it can't be a friend from home. Lori agrees that it should be "a brand-new person that [they] have met [in New York]." The girls all agree and then look at each other for another five minutes, like, cut the scene already! God! And what's up with the super close-ups this week, too? I swear that I saw Rachel's brain in one shot because the camera was practically up her nose.
Lori and Quarrel walk down the street. Lori spots a security guard at Harry Winston Jewelers. She thinks he's cute. Quarrel dares Lori to talk to him. Lori doesn't want to. She finally walks up and introduces herself, and his name is Jerry. Lori says she's noticed him when she's walked by before; he claims that he's noticed her, too, and invites her to come back for a tour sometime. Okay, so either he wants to be on camera, or Harry Winston wants the free publicity. Let's be realistic. Jerry is super-cute though.
At work, Devin tells the boys that Run DMC are downstairs signing autographs. In an interview, Kevin says that he's been a fan of Run DMC ever since...oh, God. Please don't say "Walk This Way." Even if it's true, don't admit it. Please. But Kevin does say "Walk This Way." Devin asks where Mike is, and he's apparently on the pot. Devin is all giving Mike instructions while he's on the can, and Mike walks out with a magazine in his hand. I so did not need to know that Mike was taking a dump at work.
The guys set up all the Adidas sneakers that Run DMC will be signing, and then get their pictures taken with the band. Kevin voice-overs that Arista is being absolutely incredible to them. Yeah, look what happens when you show up for work once in a while. Devin walks in and gives the guys autographed Adidas sneakers.
Lori calls all the girls upstairs to see something in Mike's room. Mike has all of the Arista schwag hung up on the wall above his bed. In an interview, Rachel says, "Oh my Gaaaahd. Who has a shrine to Arista?" In an interview, Lori jokes about all the schwag he has, including the CDs of the artists they have promoted set up on his bedside table. Okay, that is pretty lame. Lori thinks that they need to "add to it in a really subtle way."
Lori decides to make a sign that says, "Arista Kiss-Ass and Proud." ["Wow, that is subtle!" -- Wing Chun] As she colors it in, she claims that she'll take all the credit, unless Rachel wants to share it. Rachel says that she wants all the credit. Rachel complains about how long it's taking to make the sign. Lori shows it off, and then goes to hang it up in Mike's room, commenting that she doesn't "want to touch this semen-soaked bed." Ew. EEEEEWWW! All of the girls watch Lori hang it up, and then they giggle and leave. This might be the lamest practical joke in Real World history.
Lori walks down the street looking at the card until she arrives at work. Once there, she complains about how dorky she acted with Jerry. She's kind of a spaz. Nicole asks whether Jerry has a girlfriend. Lori didn't ask. Nicole thinks that she needs to ask, and Lori says that she will. Lori thinks that there was "obvious flirtation going on."
Statue of Liberty shot #6. Seriously? We have reached the apex of boredom. I'm going to tell you what is on the screen right now, and you are not going to believe me. But it's all true. A dripping faucet. Drip drip. Then we see the bowl into which the water is dripping. Drop drop. After a quick reminder about Mike's stupid sign, we see Mike and Rachel sitting in the kitchen. Mike is drinking water. Rachel is eating cereal right out of the box. Oh, fuck this. I'm not going to recap this scene. The only (relatively) important thing that happens is that after much boring small talk, Mike asks Rachel whether she made the sign, and Rachel denies any involvement and claims Lori was solely responsible. I think that I just slipped into a coma.
Kevin, Malik, Lori, and Quarrel discuss the fact that Mike is pissed about the sign. Malik reveals that Rachel claimed she had nothing to do with it. Quarrel is outraged, but Lori seems more amused than anything. The Dramatic Guitar of Trying To Make A Conflict Out of Nothing But Please Don't Show the Dripping Faucet Again or I'll Scream plays as Rachel sits alone in the living room, examining her cuticles. The horror.
Murray: Sir, I was just kidding. Sir. Sir?
Bunim: Well, I'm not kidding. Pack your bags and get off the grounds immediately. And on your way out, tell the cabana boy that he can leave too. I know what you two have been up to while you think I'm sleeping. Really, Jonathan. The help?
Murray: But, sir! Jason means everything to me. Ever since he was on the Boston season, we've had an understanding and I...
Bunim: Save it. Get out.
Mike, Malik, and Rachel walk home from somewhere. Mike voice-overs that it's easy to get Rachel to do whatever you want. At some point, Mike found out that Rachel lied about her involvement. Rachel admits now that she did help a little bit, and details her involvement, like I care at all. Snore. Rachel goes into Mike's room and takes down the poster, but leaves it on his bed for some reason. Then Mike goes in, crumples up the poster, and throws it away. Then Rachel lies on the couch. Please let this be the end of the poster subplot.
Lori arrives at the jewelry store, dressed casually in a tank top and capri pants. She looks cute. Jerry jokes with her about the Brinks truck being there to deliver money for Lori. Jerry invites Lori in for the tour. She looks at jewelry. She tries on jewelry. She feels underdressed. Jerry appears to be very attentive. Lori tries on the cross that Madonna wore on her wedding day. The jewelry is really pretty, but I don't think it would be that interesting to read my descriptions of it, since I know nothing about jewelry. It would mostly be like this: "It's shiny."
Lori finishes the tour and Jerry walks her out. Lori voice-overs that she thought Jerry was into her, because she was kind of into him. Lori asks Jerry whether he has any plans for the evening. He claims that it's a bad night for him. Lori waits for him to ask for her number, or suggest another evening, and he doesn't. She volunteers to give him her information so that he can call her sometime. He gives her a weird look, and then says that they could do that. Lori asks why he's being weird, and he pretends not to know what she's talking about. Damn, she's bold. I admire that, but I would have just walked away and then obsessed about it in my journal. Because I'm a wimp. Finally, Jerry says, "I'm practically a married man." Lori is shocked, and kind of just walks away after thanking him. Dude! That was way harsh. I wonder what his fiancée thought when she saw this episode.
At work, Lori tells her roommates about what happened. The girls are all screaming in disbelief, and Lori is laughing about it. In an interview, Lori says that she's abandoning her search for a guy, and that she's happy to be with her friends. The roommates laugh and tease, and it's pretty much the most interesting part of the episode, and I hope it's a sign of things to come. It couldn't get any more boring, could it? Could it?
week: they have to build a display window in a store. Holy fuck. This could be worse than the dripping faucet. Anyway, Nicole gets bossy about it and yells at Mike on the street. Kevin suggests that Nicole might leave the house. No, that won't happen. It would be far too exciting.