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Although I have often been thwarted in my continuing quest to give you the "tag" from the week, which is usually covered up by the never-ending promos for the frigging Ten Spot, this week, they actually showed the tag. Sadly. Because here's what happened. While in Morocco, Blair and ADDam made some reference to Road Rules being The Real World's "sister show" and that Mike and company were going to get beat by their sister. "Beat"? Was there a competition between the two casts, like every other year? Why didn't they show it? Maybe it was too lame. Oh, wait. "Too lame." Like those words exist in the B/M vocabulary. Anyway, they talk about getting beat by your sister, or your bitch. All of this talk about women gets ADDam all fired up, so he flashes the assembled. This causes Mike to start yelling, "Oh, pinky," presumably referring to Little ADDam. In case you didn't get it, Mike yells it, like, seven times, and holds up his pinky. I'm starting to think it's a good thing that we don't see these tags every week.
Before the credits, the screen goes black, and the following appears in white text: "This season of The Real World was shot in New York City earlier this year. We have chosen to show the remaining episodes unaltered as a testament to the longstanding history and spirit of this great city."
Previously on The Real World: They went to Morocco. Mike and ADDam went skinny-dipping. For some reason, the editors chose a tuba as background music for this segment. In an interview, Rachel claims that she understands Mike a lot more after seeing him around the Road Rules boys. ADDam tells Malik and Kevin that they need to let Mike get his energy out more often. What exactly happened in Morocco? What "energy" was Mike "getting out"? This is the most homoerotic scene since the Seattle season.
After the credits (which open, as in every other episode, with a now somewhat jarring shot of the World Trade Center towers), we get the first good song of the season playing in the background. I don't know what it's called and I don't know who it's by, but it's the first piece of music that didn't make my ears bleed. The roommates take a train back into the city, presumably from the airport. Malik voice-overs that the trip made them appreciate the city even more. As they enter their gargantuan apartment, Mike says that he missed it. In an interview, Kevin says that the trip helped to cheer them up, but that it's good to be home. I wonder whether the roommates have the weird problem you get when you go away to college, where you are never really sure where home is? Like when you go home for the break, and then you refer to college as "home" and it gets really confusing? Now they have three places to call home, except Lori, who apparently doesn't have any. In case you didn't get the theme of the episode yet, which is that the trip changed their attitudes, Mike tells Kevin that he feels like things are changing in the house. In an interview, Mike expounds further upon that idea, saying that it's time to start being honest and take a stand instead of letting things go. Wow, it's almost like he's saying that it's time to stop being polite and start getting real.
In the kitchen, Lori is, of course, eating, because there must, by law, be one scene in each episode of Lori stuffing her face. I don't know why. There just is. Anyway, Mike is telling Lori and Rachel that he feels like he's been making adjustments instead of being himself. Lori and Rachel both exclaim over how exactly Mike has reflected their own feelings. They go on and on about how Mike must have heard their confessionals. Mike says, "I've been myself, but I've been at like a level six, and I'm usually at a level ten." What is he, Puck? Are we now going to get, in some Spinal Tap-laden sequence, Mike on eleven? In an interview, Mike continues to say "like" a lot and not much else, but I think he's trying to say something to the effect that, at home, he fights every argument and wins, but in the house, he's tried to adjust. If Mike wins every argument he has at home, he must have some really dumb friends. Or they just get tired of hearing him talk after a while and go, "Okay, Mike. Fine. You're right." Mike concludes by telling Lori and Rachel that it's "time for Mike to be unleashed." I don't know what that means, but I'm scared.
After a few shots of the Bug Room, we get the "wacky hijinks" music that plays every time there are hijinks that might be wacky. So what wackiness is going on? I don't even know how to describe it. Mike throws some pillows at Kevin. Kevin voice-overs that Mike is having fun and being himself. So, apparently, what Mike has been holding back all this time is his love of water sports. I say this because Mike crawls around on the floor for some reason, and then Kevin stands over him, holding a water bottle at crotch-level, and uses it to pretend to urinate on Mike. I don't know what all that was about, but I told you this episode was homoerotic. Mike continues to belly-crawl around the house, and throw pillows around. Finally, he stands and stalks out in the manner of Michael Jackson in the "Thriller" video. It was actually kind of funny, except that it was all so weird.
Mike talks on the phone to some girl named Sarah, who is his friend from home. After hanging up, Mike tells Rachel that Sarah and another friend are coming to visit him tomorrow. In an interview, Mike says that Sarah is the type of girl who understands "friends with benefits." Or, as a more crass person might put it, "friends who fuck."
The boys go out to eat at an Italian restaurant. I think they have a bottle of red, and a bottle of white, but it all depends upon their appetite. Kevin says that he took his life for granted until he got the nut cancer, and it gave him a new perspective. Malik tells Mike and Kevin not to waste this opportunity to be in New York City, and that they don't want to end up regretting anything. Although I think he's telling them to get out and experience the greatest city in the world, he could also be warning Mike about the embarrassing things that Mike does later in this episode.
The Grossest Episode Ever
“ While Rachel talks, Lori and Coral listen in on the extension, which is what my friends and I used to do in junior high. ”
Mike and Kevin go to Central Park. They watch people hand-feed squirrels and pigeons, which I think is just asking for a disease or something, but maybe that's just me. In an interview, Mike extols the virtues of Central Park, including "the art people doing art." Hee! Mike is also excited about the zoo right in the middle of Central Park, which serves as a nice segue to...Mike and Kevin going to the zoo right in the middle of Central Park! They look at the scruffiest polar bears ever, and a sea lion. Mike tells Kevin that they need to go out exploring more.
Rachel is on the phone with some dude named Gabe. In an interview, Rachel tells us that she met Gabe on the Warped Tour, and that he kissed her. While Rachel talks, Lori and Coral listen in on the extension, which is what my friends and I used to do in junior high. When Rachel says, "Woooooooowwww!" in a really exaggerated fashion, Lori and Coral fall all over themselves miming it, which is actually kind of funny. Then Rachel says, "That sounds sooooooo amaaaazing." Coral and Lori totally lose it and drop the phone, collapsing in a heap of giggles. Gabe asks Rachel about her job, and she explains that they work at Arista. Gabe -- and have I mentioned that Gabe is the lead singer in a band? -- suddenly perks up at the mention of a possible in at a record label, and asks Rachel if he can give her a bunch of t-shirts to wear, presumable for the resulting free publicity for his band. Nicole walks through the room while Rachel is on the phone, and starts cooing, "I love you, Gabe. I want to have your baby, Gabe." She says it very loudly, and I'm sure that Gabe heard it, which is again, kind of a junior-high thing to do. In an interview, Nicole says that she's happy for Rachel, and that she understands what Rachel is feeling with this crush.
Rachel comes into Lori's and Quarrel's bedroom to talk about her new crush. Lori is confused about the nature of the relationship, and tries to clarify. In an interview, Rachel says that Gabe is the lead singer of a band called Midtown. Lori seems to think that Rachel is an anonymous groupie, but Rachel explains that she hung out with the band after the show, that Gabe kissed her, and that it was the best night of her life. In an interview, Rachel gushes that Gabe is "the most attractive guy [she's] ever seen in [her] entire life, and he plays the guitar." She thinks that a hot guy holding a guitar is even hotter, and I have to say that is somehow true. I've seen it in action. Coral replies, "All right, groupie. Don't let me find you in his hotel room."
Mary-Ellis Bunim: Do we have footage of that kiss between the blond boy and the band member?
Jonathan Murray: For the thousandth time, that's a girl. Her name is Rachel.
Bunim: Whatever. So, do we have the footage, or did we "miss" it, like so many other important moments in Real World history? Am I going to have to fire someone? Again?
Murray: Well, since it happened before Rachel even applied to be on the show, I'm going to guess that we don't have footage.
Bunim: Fucking typical. Amateurs. And don't take that tone with me, Murray. Just remember whose signature is on your paycheck.
Murray: Yes, sir.
After the commercials, the disclaimer from the beginning airs again. Lori and Rachel go somewhere to eat, because Lori is the Donna Martin of The Real World, apparently. Except for the part about her father being the producer, and her having an eating disorder, and her constantly getting praise from tertiary characters. So, really, it's just the eating in every scene. While Lori sits in the restaurant, Rachel calls Gabe on the pay phone and ascertains that Gabe is going to page her when he gets into the city. Then, Rachel recounts the entire conversation to Lori, who bemoans the fact that Rachel is throwing her over for a guy. In an interview, Lori says that Gabe and Rachel have three-hour phone calls, and that Rachel's "attraction to him is fueled by his reciprocation," which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but still sounds better than anything Mike has said in an interview this week. Rachel tells Lori that Lori is Rachel's second choice, like thanks, Rachel. I mean, I totally understand Rachel wanting to hang out with this guy while he's in the city, but it was kind of mean to flat-out tell Lori that she's the second choice.
Gabe calls the apartment, and asks Rachel what her plans are. Rachel pretty much admits that she's hanging around waiting for Gabe's call. Gabe says that he's going to the Bowery Ballroom for a concert, and that it would be cool if Rachel came, too. Rachel agrees, but no firm plans are made for when or where they will meet.
Mike's friends arrive. Their names are Sarah and Michelle. Sarah looks a lot like Julie from The Real World New Orleans. As Mike helps them with their bags, he comments, "You guys are good packers. I like that." I'll bet he does. See what I mean about the homoerotic nature of this episode? In an interview, Mike says that he loves Ohio girls. Kevin buzzes them into the building and then uses this really annoying faux-Jewish mother voice to talk to them, causing Mike to flip him off. Once upstairs, Mike introduces his guests to Quarrel, who is actually really nice, and to Lori and Malik, who are also nice. Mike and his guests prepare for a night on the town, and the guests try to decide what to wear. Mike picks up a see-through top and encourages Sarah to wear it. The guests ask Quarrel for her advice, and she keeps telling them to be "craaaaazy," to the point where I wish she would just shut up. Lori tells them not to wear black pants, or they will be pegged as visitors to the city. In an interview, Mike reminds us that he promised to start taking a stand and saying what's on his mind. And apparently, the black pants issue is a battle that he's prepared to fight. Mike points out that Quarrel wears black pants all the time, even though it was Lori who originally brought up the point. Quarrel says that she lives in New York, so she can wear what she wants. Well, she doesn't exactly live there. Which would be a good thing for Mike to point out. But instead, he says that his guests can wear what they want to wear, too. Lori tries to clarify her earlier statement, but Quarrel interrupts and says that the guests asked for her opinion, and she gave it, which is true. Even if she was annoying in her response. In an interview, Quarrel says that she knows what she's talking about. And I have to admit that when I was in graduate school, there was a certain type of girl at Syracuse University, and if I saw her wearing those black stretchy flares with a backless halter or other sparkly top, and platforms, that told me a lot about her. It's probably not fair, but it's true. Mike tells his guests that they should wear the black pants just to spite his roommates. Yes! Black pants or die!
Rachel gets a voicemail from Gabe. He's at the show, but it's sold out, and he'll call her when he gets out of there. Rachel looks upset while listening, and then immediately runs to Lori to dissect the message syllable by syllable, looking for hidden meaning. That's such a girly thing to do. I've done it a million times, but I hope what I've finally learned is that guys don't embed their speech with a dozen hidden messages, so it's really not worth it to look for them, or to analyze their inflections. Rachel realizes that she has to sit around and wait some more, and is glad that Lori is still there. Again, very sensitive there, Rachel. Also, I wish Lori had just said, "Let's you and me go out somewhere, Rachel. F Gabe."
Mike and his guests walk down the street. The girls note that Mike gets along really well with his male roommates. Mike tells them that before the Morocco trip, it was very much guys against girls. We also learn that they were in Morocco for a week, but it only took up one episode. Mike explains that his policy in the house now is to be honest. In an interview, Mike says that speaking his mind makes him feel at ease. If he were really speaking his mind, wouldn't he be silent? Mike explains that, in his house, nice people don't get any respect, so you have to be a dick to get respect. They arrive at a bar.
Lori advises Rachel to make specific plans with Gabe instead of just agreeing with whatever he says. Rachel explains that she didn't know what Gabe meant in his original call, so Lori tells her that the only way she'll find out is by straight-out asking Gabe. Good point. Gabe finally calls and Rachel tells him again to page her. In an interview, Rachel says that she has a big crush on Gabe and can't help it. Given what happens in a few minutes, I'm betting that she wishes she could burn all of this interview footage. Rachel waits outside. A car pulls up and Gabe gets out and gives her a big hug. Rachel gets into the car and leaves.
At the Chelsea Grill, Mike tells his friends that Ohio girls are more fun, and not like the girls with whom he lives. So girls from Ohio will let Mike score? That's basically what he's saying. Sarah (the Julie look-alike) asks Mike whether he wants her cherry. EEEEEEEEWWWW! There are not enough letters on the keyboard to describe how fucking cheesy that is. Even worse is Mike's response. He looks straight into her eyes and replies, very seriously, "I'd definitely take your cherry." Oh my God. I just threw up all over my keyboard. Hold on while I run out to the store and buy a new one.
Okay, I'm back. I unpause the tape only to see Sarah pop a cherry in her mouth, and then slowly pull it out, and then Mike puts it in his mouth, all the while looking deeply into her eyes. Oy. If there were anything left in my stomach, it would be gone now. The guitars start going "chicka chicka wah wah," and I really don't want to think about where this is going.
Meanwhile, Rachel is hanging out with Gabe, looking at a pager. Oh, so romantic. The song in the background says, "Do you want to be in love for real?" What a stupid question. No, I want to be in love for fake. In an interview, Rachel explains that Gabe informed her that he has a girlfriend, and that he didn't want to lead her on. She's disappointed that they can't hook up. Dude is cold as ice. I have to wonder if he only kept calling her to get some camera time, and I'm sure that Rachel was wondering the same thing. It's kind of odd that he was all about the emails and phone calls, and then conveniently had a girlfriend. I wonder if she lives in Canada and they met at Niagara Falls.
At the house, Michelle (Mike's Julie non-look-alike friend) goes to bed. Mike and Sarah are sleeping in Mike's bed. In an interview, Kevin says that he and Malik asked Mike whether they should sleep on the couch, and give Mike some privacy with his lady, but Mike told them that he and Sarah would do whatever they wanted even if Kevin and Malik were in the room. Class-ay! The night cam totally reveals Mike and Sarah having sex, and I refuse to go into more detail than that. At one point, Kevin's head pops up and he looks over at them, seemingly amazed that they are, in fact, having sex with him right in the room. It's not like they live in a studio and there's nowhere else to go. That's just wrong. Kevin voice-overs that it's odd to be right there when Mike and Sarah are doing it, but that's what happens when you live to Mike. As a counterpoint, Rachel gets into bed alone and pulls the covers over her head.
Bunim: All riiiight! Woooo hoooo! Sex! On camera! Break out the champagne.
Murray: Don't you think that's a little distasteful, sir? I mean, do we have to actually show it?
Bunim: Are you kidding me? Of course we have to show it! The only thing that might keep people tuning in is the promise of more sex, because it's certainly not the scintillating discourse or the subtle and sensitive discussion of important issues.
Murray: You've got a point there, sir.
After the commercials, we get the disclaimer again. At breakfast, Mike asks Rachel whether she kissed Gabe. Rachel tells him that Gabe has a girlfriend. In an interview, Rachel busts out the pity party, saying that she knew Gabe was too good to be true, and that things like that don't happen to her. I've had my share of pity parties, but at least I have the grace and dignity to keep those thoughts to myself. I mean, I know she's eighteen, but geez!