Danny, Kelley, and Julie are at a restaurant (of course). Danny is scoping out the guys inside, and points one out to Julie. We see a shot of the man in question, and he's kind of goofy looking. He has on a baseball cap as part of his waiter's uniform, and it's slightly askew, and it makes him look like he is about four years old. But some chicks (and guys) dig that. Julie says that the guy is "pretty cute." In an interview, Julie says that she would "love to foster a relationship with somebody." Who uses the word "foster" in everyday life? Julie goes into the restaurant to talk to the guy while Danny and Kelley look on like proud parents watching their baby take her first steps. Kelley says that the guy is cute, and Danny says that he has good taste. In men, maybe, but not in sweaters. He's still wearing the gray one. In an interview, Kelley says, "Julie is definitely vying for male attention," which doesn't really make sense, because doesn't "vying" mean "competing"? I think a better word choice would have been "hoping" or even "seeking." But I digress. Kelley concludes by saying that Julie is a "walking hornball," although the closed captioning said "cornball." I think we all know that she said "hornball." Julie comes out of the restaurant smiling, and Danny and Kelley ask what the guy said. Julie says goofily, "I don't know!" because she was too busy looking at him to listen. As they are discussing him, the guy comes out and says that their table is ready. Nope, still not that cute.
Dr. Peter, who will be playing a mostly non-speaking role in this week's episode, has joined the kids. Kelley finds out that Cute Waiter's name is Baxter. Who names their kid Baxter, for crying out loud? What is his brother's name -- Buster? And does he have a sassy little sister named Beans? What is this, The Little Rascals? Julie continues to make the googly eyes that worked so well on Matt earlier this season. Kelley talks to one of Baxter's co-workers, a woman with the unfortunate moniker of "Squirrel." The fuck? I keep waiting for her friend "Moose" to come out. Actually, it would be cool if there were a girl named "Moose" because then it would be like You Can't Do That On Television, but "Squirrel" just sucks. I can only hope that it is a nickname and not her given name. Anyway, Kelley asks Squirrel (I can barely type it) if Baxter has a girlfriend, and Squirrel cagily says that he does, and then says that he has many. Hmm, I think Squirrel does not want Baxter to hook up with any of these girls for some reason. Pay attention, class, this will be important later. Squirrel finally yells to Baxter, who comes over and is subjected to the Spanish Inquisition by Kelley. We discover that he is twenty and he claims that he doesn't have a girlfriend. Kelley says that Julie is twenty, and Danny says that she wants Baxter's phone number. Oh, come on. That's just embarrassing for Julie, for Baxter, and for the viewers at home. Of course, we're used to it after nine seasons of this crap. And still we come back for more. In a confessional, Julie says that they should "let [her] play [her] own game." Word. Julie acts all indignant at the table, but she does have his phone number clutched in her hand. Matt arrives at the restaurant, and Danny fills him in on their yenta-like activities. Matt meets Baxter. The group leaves the restaurant and says good-bye to Baxter on the way out. Julie grabs his hand, but he jokes that he meant to give her a hug. Outside, Dr. Peter has his one line of the night, when he encourages Julie to go back in and give Baxter a hug, like that wouldn't be obvious. Julie, to her credit, won't go. Matt says that he's got news for them: "Baxter grabbed my ass!" I think he's joking. I hope he's joking. If he's joking, that was actually kind of funny. If he's not...well, he must be joking.
The producers from Road Rules must have stopped by for a minute because there is this weird Madonna "Ray of Light" montage of cars going by, for no apparent reason. Danny and Kelley are sitting on the porch, trashing their roommates as usual. I know it's not nice to talk behind people's backs, but I am really glad that these two do, because at least it's interesting to watch, and stirs up some controversy. Danny is saying that there is one person in the house who doesn't care to hang out with anyone else. Kelley immediately guesses David, and she's right. Danny starts talking about another roommate who "tries so hard and is so fake and makes you want to throw up." Kelley says, "Super-duper nice." I think they are talking about Julie, but apparently they were talking about Jamie, because he appears out of nowhere and Kelley gives Danny a look like, "Cheese it, the cops!" Jamie asks what they are doing, and Kelley replies honestly that they are "talking about you guys." Jamie asks if she wants to go out. What is Danny, chopped liver? I guess Kelley is the spokesperson for their friendship. Kelley says no. In an interview, Jamie says that it's "emotionally draining to have people dislike you." The moment gets more and more uncomfortable as Jamie slowly leaves the porch, and Kelley yells out, "No, thanks, but have fun!" which was nice if she was being sincere but kind of shitty if she wasn't. Jamie must be only four paces away when Kelley quickly tells Danny that she knows the identity of the second person he discussed earlier, meaning that it was Jamie. For about two seconds, I feel bad for Jamie. Then I remember his excuses to Elton last week, and it's gone.
Melissa and Jamie are sitting inside on a loveseat in deep conversation. Melissa says that there are "sides sprouting up." Jamie says that it's so third grade, and it is, but hasn't he ever seen an episode of this show before? That's kind of the point. In an interview, Melissa says that Jamie feels he has been "victimized in this little triangle," and he "doesn't believe that he has done anything wrong." Well, he really hasn't done anything to them. He's been kind of a jerk at some points, but he hasn't been overtly mean to Danny and Kelley. Okay, I feel a little bad for him. He seems so upset about it. Jamie says that he wants to tell them that "they harbor jealousy" and "harbor such, like, distaste," when in fact they are the ones with the issues. Okay, sympathy for Jamie? Gone. Why does he assume that they are jealous of him, unless he thinks that he is so great that others cannot help but be jealous? In the (somewhat altered) words of the great Carly Simon, "You're so vain, I bet you think this show is about you." Jamie says that he wants to talk to Kelley and let it all out, because Kelley "has never articulated her issues with [him]." Then he asks Melissa whether she knows what the problem is, because he must be oblivious to it. Melissa has no answers. Do any of us have answers, really?
Jamie and Kelley are having a discussion. Jamie says that the relationship between them is "strained" and "tense." In an interview, Jamie says that Kelley has a "distaste" for him (he really likes that word), and he wants to tell her that she needs to "take ownership over her feelings." Shut up, Jamie. He tells Kelley that "jealousy is rooted in competition." When he says the word jealousy, Kelley cocks one incredibly thin eyebrow, like, "Oh no, he didn't." Kelley interrupts to say that it's vain of him to assume she's jealous or has a problem with him because she likes him, and that it's crazy. I notice that Jamie is wearing a T-shirt that says, "Ithaca is Gorges," and I saw the same one when I was in Ithaca a few weeks ago. Just inserting some local flavor for you. Jamie believes Kelley is "frustrated" by "the way [he] lives [his] life with [his] business," and that if he says he drives a BMW, Kelley gets pissed off. First of all, please don't talk about your "business" anymore. Second of all, I think Jamie has some guilt issues over his circumstances and is projecting them to Kelley. And third of all, shut up, Jamie. Really. Kelley tells him to "stop talking out of [his] ass" and that he's the one with issues, not her, and she wonders why he even cares. Jamie says that the whole thing is "immature" and "third grade." Kelley storms off and says that she can't communicate with him. Jamie says it's "because [he's] dealing with a psycho woman." Kelley stops outside her room and says, "Now who's in third grade?" This is one of those instances where I'm sure the roommates wish there were actual doors on their rooms so there could be some door-slamming. As it is, Kelley has to be satisfied with whisking her curtain shut. Not quite the same impact. Meanwhile, her friend Kristi just kind of stands there.
Julie comes down the stairs to greet Musical Matt. He tells her he took the day off school to practice with her. In a confessional, Julie says that she needs to "grab this opportunity and run with it" and "not keep wallowing in the past or worrying about the future." Julie introduces Musical Matt to Danny, and they shake hands. Julie tells Danny that she went to Neutral Ground, but didn't end up going to Baxter's later. Danny says that he's disappointed in her. In an interview, Danny says that it's obvious that Baxter is interested in Julie, and he's going to step in and fix it. I appreciate him trying to help out, but he's kind of crossed a line between interest in a friend, and nosiness here, don't you think?
In an interview, Danny says, "It's easy to look at Julie as a naïve, simple-minded kid, but when she plays music, deep feelings come out, and you get to see a completely different side of Julie." Do you think he really meant to call her "simple-minded?" The song concludes:
You're all I've been waiting for
And I knew, knew when I saw you. (Nothing like ending on a "Huh?" feeling.)
Julie immediately steps on any moment she might have created by saying into the microphone, "I'm all depressing. Sorry." Dude, it's a coffeehouse. The people are there to be depressed. That's how it works. If they want happy and jolly, they'll go to a karaoke bar. Julie runs over to Danny, and it's that moment when you've just walked off stage, and you have all this adrenaline, and all you really want is for all your friends to say, "Oh, my God! You were fantastic! Great! I loved it!" Danny doesn't really comply, so Julie starts babbling about how her music is so sad, and her new goal is to write happier music, but she looks really happy right now. I'm happy, because that storyline is finally over.
Kelley and Jamie are having a conference on a patio somewhere. Outside Belfort? Possibly. Somewhere else entirely? We'll never know, because we are just dropped right into the middle of this conversation. Also -- and it needs to be mentioned -- they are both drinking beers and acting as if the one in their hands is not their first. Kelley tells Jamie that she's been waiting for him to say something, but he won't so "once again" she does. She makes air quotes when she says "once again," so she must be drunk, because no sober person would do such a thing, except possibly that one girl in Say Anything who's all "Diane Court, whoa." Where was I? Oh yeah. Jamie protests that he did come to her. Kelley interrupts him, talking way too fast, and saying that he called her a "psycho bitch," and that their conversation didn't get past the "psycho bitch part," and that the words are still resonating in her skull. Um, Kelley? He didn't call you a "psycho bitch." He called you a "psycho woman." I've got it on tape. Jamie doesn't correct her, though, and really, it's not that big of a difference, unless you are a detail-oriented Virgo like me. Kelley continues to speak at the speed of light, saying that she doesn't think she's psycho, and she's sorry if she "portrayed that to [him]." Jamie says that he misunderstood her statement, "Are you an asshole? I hear you're a Tri Delta." When did she say that? And why didn't we see it? I swear, season they need to have these people live in the Big Brother house so that all conflicts can be resolved by going to tape. Anyway, that statement made Jamie feel that Kelley was biased against the "white frat-boy, Ivy League, capitalist pig ideology." Aren't we all, though? Kelley says that everyone thought that she was the "token cute white girl," and that when Jamie walked in, she felt relieved because she thought he would be her "counterpart." But then they didn't click, and it was confusing.
In an interview, Kelley says that caring about a person because you think that you'll be friends with them, and then you don't get together, makes things hard. Got all that? Good, can you explain it to me? I totally don't get what Kelley is saying. Let me try this out. Based on appearances, she thought that she and Jamie would be good friends. But then they didn't get along right away, so she started talking about him behind his back. I think that's what she is saying, essentially, but it still doesn't make any sense to me. Probably what she wants to say is that she thought Jamie would be cool, and then he turned out to be a dick.
Kelley and Jamie both agree that it was a good conversation, but that the issue is not over. Of course, if they weren't drinking, the conversation never would have happened in the first place, so I don't give it much credence. In an interview, Kelley says that they realized they can communicate.
Julie is pointing out to Matt that Jamie bought Kelley flowers. Julie thinks it's super keen that Jamie didn't just give the flowers to Kelley. Instead, he bought her favorite flowers and just put them on the bar where she would see them. Julie is impressed that he did it with her in mind. Matt wisely points out that it is what Julie would like a boy to do for her. Of course, this whole scene could have taken place before, after, or even during the one.
Danny and Julie are brushing their teeth in the bathroom. Danny brings up Musical Matt, and says that Julie should have stuck with Baxter. Enough with the Baxter, Danny! Why don't you date him, if you like him so much? Julie says that she wasn't trying to hook up with Musical Matt, and then whispers that he's gay, like it's cancer or something. Danny says that he knows, because Musical Matt gave him "a look" when they shook hands, but Danny wondered if Julie knew. Julie laughs that it would've been good -- Julie falls in love with a gay man. So, the producers were intentionally misleading us with that whole "Julie doesn't want to leave Musical Matt to go see Baxter" thing? I just can't believe it.
As she drives the car, Julie informs us that some of Baxter's friends are a wreck. In an interview, Julie lets us know that they are going to a party, and it's not an official date. I guess official dates would need to be, like, registered with the Mormon Church or something. Danny tells her not to worry about Baxter's friends. They arrive at the party, and Julie voice-overs that they are all drinking, and she's not. Good thing, because she's only twenty. Not that it ever stopped Colin in Hawaii. This party is, as everything associated with Baxter's house apparently must be, creepy. In an interview, Danny says that they all decided to have a "girl boxing match." We see some chicks slugging each other with lots of blurred-out faces in the background. I'm guessing the blurry ones are the underage ones. In an interview, Julie says that some girl asked her if she wants to learn to box, and Julie said, "Why not?" Um, because you could get your ass kicked?
It turns out her opponent is none other than Squirrel, the waitress from earlier. Julie asks Squirrel if she's going to beat her up, and doesn't get an answer. Melissa is there too, suddenly, looking pissed off. In an interview, Julie says that she wants Squirrel to go easy, because she's not a fighting woman. In an interview, Danny says that he has no clue why Julie decided to box this girl. Julie and Squirrel put on boxing gloves. In an interview, Danny says that this girl has "definite intentions to beat the hell out of Julie." Round one begins, and Julie gets her ass beat down. Actually, both women are piss-poor boxers. I've seen better sparring during a slap fight on Laverne & Shirley. In an interview, Julie says that Squirrel was all "left, right, uppercut." Melissa looks disgusted. Oh, lighten up, Frowny McPoutford. No one is forcing you to be there. In an interview, Julie says that people were making bets, too, and we do see a lot of money changing hands. Squirrel yells out, "Welcome to the real world, baby!" Get it? The real world? So, clearly, Squirrel had a problem with the people on the show, and decided to show how uncool the show is by beating up one of the cast members. I suppose she thought it would make her look subversive and hip. Instead, it makes her look scary and unoriginal. People have been harassing the Real World casts for years, honey. It's been done. They continue fighting, and Julie actually gets in a few punches, but then falls prey to Squirrel's Paws of Fury and crumples to the ground. In an interview, Julie says that it was insane, and they were supposed to be joking around. I guess no one told Squirrel that.
Back at Belfort, Julie puts some ice in a cloth. She says she was fine with "joking around boxing," but that girl wanted to kill her. Melissa quips, "Well, her name was Squirrel. So what the hell did you expect?" Once again, we like occasional-quip Melissa much more than needing-attention-all-the-time Melissa, but I guess that the former is the product of the latter. In an interview, Danny says that Julie's face had swelled up (and the catty part of me wonders, "How could you tell?") Julie applies the ice to her face and says, "Damn! Darn, I mean." Ha! She tells Danny that she had better not get a "purple eye." Is that anything like a black eye? Danny says to no one, "C'mon, Baxter. What are you doing hanging out with those brats?" In an interview, Julie says that Baxter is cute, and she's not lowering her standards, but she just wants someone nice. Conveniently, Julie chooses that moment to tell Danny that she doesn't think Baxter is nice, and when Danny protests, she says that you are "only as nice as the company you keep, sometimes." In an interview, Danny says there will be "no more Baxter." Julie walks into the kitchen, and Melissa is in there talking to some random person who was never properly introduced. The hell?
Apparently, the show isn't on week. Oh, they couldn't have skipped this week. It was my birthday, and they just couldn't do it. Bastards. Anyway, in two weeks, Julie's parents come to visit, and she tries to shock them. Her dad isn't happy. Danny isn't happy, because Julie's parents appear to be less than tolerant of the gays.
Over the credits, Julie talks to David. Remember David? The lumpy one? Who got his ass beat by Laterrian on Road Rules this week? Yeah, him. Anyway, Julie asks David to help her with her "game." Then she lists off about a million things she requires of a potential mate. What is she, Kameelah? Julie finishes by saying that "good things come to those who...keep their pants on." David retorts, "Good things come to those who take their pants off." Oh, okay. Heh.