Previously, on The Real World: Elton wants everyone to produce an episode of their public-access television show. Remember that? It's kind of fallen by the wayside with the trip to South Africa and everything. Then we see two scenes that have not, in fact, previously been aired. In one, Danny tells us that his mom told his dad Danny is gay, but his dad hasn't said a word to him yet. In the other, Matt tells us that he thinks homosexuality is a sin. Big surprise there.
The show opens with a shot of people playing drums of various types in a public park of some sort. In an interview, Jamie says that he's going to produce the show, and it will be about African music, and how it provided the foundation for jazz, blues, hip-hop, and rap. Wow, it's a good thing we have Jamie around to edumacate us! thing you know, he'll be teaching us about how early, white rock-and-roll stars stole blues songs made popular by black singers, and made lots of money without actually crediting the originals. Or how British rock bands ripped off riffs from American blues guitarists. Matt enjoys the drumming, saying that it brings him back to Africa. That sounds like it would be offensive, but well, they are playing African instruments and dressed in traditional African garb, so it's really not. Believe me, I would take any opportunity to point out something offensive spouted by Matt. And I will, later. Jamie invites the drummers to be on the show. Keep all that in mind, because you won't hear anything about it until after the commercial break.
Julie asks Danny when his parents are coming, and Danny says tomorrow. Danny says that Paul is coming on Thursday, and his parents have never met Paul. Of course, we don't know what day "today" is, so all of this is pretty meaningless. In a really old and over-used interview, Danny says that his parents know he's gay, and they know that Paul exists, and that this is the first time in his life that he can be honest about who he's seeing.
Danny and Melissa go out to lunch. Now it's Danny's turn to talk about how sad his childhood was, because he played tennis and his dad never came to any of his matches. Well, he came to one, but then left before Danny actually played. Okay, that was kind of cold. Melissa says that sort of thing "matters, big time." I expected Melissa to start a game of one-upmanship, like, "Oh yeah, well my dad was an alcoholic!" To her credit, she did not. Danny talks about how he was always jealous of guys whose dads did things with them, like teach them baseball, because his dad didn't. In an interview, Danny says that he sees his dad is trying to improve things, but "it'll take years for [Danny] to get over [his] hang-ups with him." At least Danny acknowledges that he can't change his father's behavior, and can only change his own. Melissa says that Danny's lucky, because he has an escape in Paul, and Danny really lights up when Paul is around. Danny says that he's never had that before, and it puts a whole new perspective on life. Aww. Melissa says that Paul is too good to be true, and thus he must have one testicle or something. Danny says he can assure her that is not the case. Somewhere in Georgia, Danny's mom just hid behind a pillow while watching that scene.
Danny is on the phone with Paul, who says that he was thinking about not visiting. In an interview, Danny says that Paul is worried about issues with his identity and the military. Well, can you blame him? I'm surprised he visited at all, much less every other week, practically. Paul says he'll be there on Thursday and Danny closes with, "I love you, kid." Aw. They are really cute.
Danny's family arrives. We see a really useless filler shot of Danny using the Onstar system to find the nearest Enterprise car rental place. Oh, I guess that was product placement, huh? In an interview, Danny says that having his parents there is a lot of stress, because they are very religious Baptists and so conservative that they suffocate him. Danny shows his parents and younger brother around the house, and just so we can fully understand how different Danny is from his conservative parents, at each step we get a flashback of debauchery. Danny shows them the hot tub, and suddenly everything is all black and white, and Danny is jumping naked into the hot tub. Then he shows them a window, and suddenly everything is all black and white, and Danny is mooning someone out the window during Mardi Gras. Then he shows them his bedroom, and we see a black and white shot of Danny being attacked by the Blob. Oh wait, he's kissing Paul. Get it? Danny leads a secret life, and apparently, it all takes place in black and white.
Goateed Jamie is on the phone with Elton, the hard-ass boss. Jamie tells him that it's feasible for them to do a show on Saturday, even though it's "almost Wednesday." Wouldn't that be "Tuesday"? What is it, 11:59 PM on Tuesday, and thus "almost Wednesday"? It just seems like a dumb thing to say. In an interview, non-goateed Jamie thinks they will have enough content to produce something pretty cool. Jamie tells Elton, "If it happens, shit happens, and if not, we'll be scrapping for content." The only reason I quoted that was because, on the screen, Jamie actually said "shit," but the captioning said, "[bleep]," which cracked me up. Because I'm four. Anyway, Elton asks if they can pull the stuff off before Saturday. We never do hear Jamie's answer. Instead, we see an interview, where Jamie says, "That's what I'm rolling with. I'm in the dark about a lot of things." What? What did that have to do with anything? I swear, they were so starved for a storyline this week that they just threw in random interview footage.
Danny, Julie, and Danny's mom are at a restaurant called Mr. Gyro's. The whole point of this scene is to discover that Mrs. Danny knows that Paul is coming, but Mr. Danny does not. In an interview, Danny says that he has "a million scenarios" in his head, and he imagines that his dad will be really cold and indifferent to Paul. The other purpose of this scene is to set up tension between Paul and Mr. Danny. The actual dialogue really doesn't matter, does it?
The doorbell rings, and Danny's little brother answers the door. It's Paul, and these two apparently know each other, which is weird since it's the first time Paul is meeting the parents. Where are the parents? Weren't they all just at lunch? The chronology of this episode is so screwed up. I don't know why that surprises me. Paul runs upstairs, where Danny is in the bathroom. I hope he's in the shower, and not on the shitter, because Paul totally walks into the stall. I don't care how much you love someone, you really do not need to see them pinching a loaf. I'm guessing the shower idea was the right one, as Danny then walks into the bedroom wearing only a towel, and Paul follows. The bedroom curtain closes, and Danny asks Paul to "cuddle" with him before his parents get there. Hello! Your little brother is downstairs alone! Some people. Just then (or so we are made to think), Danny's parents walk in the door and his dad calls out. Oh, the suspense is killing me! What will happen when his parents bust them? I have to wait through commercials to find out.
Back from commercial, and Danny's parents walk into the kitchen to find Danny and Paul in there. What the? What a rip-off! I was promised Mr. Danny finding his son in bed with his lover! Damn you, Bunim-Murray! Damn you and everything you stand for! Danny introduces Paul to his dad, and Paul's all "sir" and "nice to meet you," but the "boyfriend" word is never mentioned. There's a lot of tense putting away of groceries. Danny's parents leave the room, and Paul says he's going to kill Danny. Wait, Danny didn't tell Paul that his parents were going to be there? This situation just gets increasingly strange. Danny says he "didn't realize it would overlap," when in fact, he totally did, as we saw earlier. Dad is outside, grilling. In an interview, Danny says that his dad knows what's up with him (i.e. he's gay), but he's not sure his dad understands "the dynamic between [him] and Paul." Danny and Paul leave to "go get some ice." Mr. Danny and Matt sit in matching rocking chairs, like two good old boys. I half expect them to start drinking some moonshine and reminiscing about the good old days, when we lynched the darkies. That's the vibe I get from both of them, anyway. In an interview, Matt says, "Paul's relationship with Danny is a homosexual act. Having homosexual feelings is not wrong, but when you give in to those temptations, it is wrong." Well, thank you, Dr. Laura. Matt is certainly entitled to his opinions, except that he's wrong. But I really would like to have a conversation with him. I went to a Catholic college, and I met a lot of people just like Matt, and had a lot of very interesting debates about theology and homosexuality. But that's unimportant. It's not a big surprise to anyone that Matt feels that way, is it? Paul and Danny are in the car, going to get ice. Paul says Danny's mom makes him feel "instantly at home." It's nice of Paul to refrain from saying, "And your dad makes me want to run for the hills before he gets his shotgun."
Jamie wakes Kelley up in the morning to tell her that he'll write down the names and numbers of the guests for the show, and she can get to know them and formulate some questions. Kelley, who barely looks conscious, tells him to leave her the names and she'll look them up, and then thanks him. In an interview, Jamie says that when Kelley gets up in the morning, he won't interact with her if she's annoyed. Then we see him whisper to the camera, "Bitch." What? That was bitchy? He clearly has not dealt with me in the morning. If he had tried to talk business, or simply tried to talk to me at all, before my first cup of coffee, I would have screeched at him to get the fuck out and thrown three pillows and a cat at his head. Yeah, I'm not a morning person. Anyway, my point is that I didn't think Kelley's behavior was bitchy at all.
Outside NOA-TV, Jamie is walking down the street, carrying a pizza. Kelley is waiting for him, and tells him that they need the time sheets for Danny. Jamie appears to be in no hurry to accommodate her. They enter the conference room, and it's five minutes to six. The show starts at seven, remember. Danny says that he needs names and camera positions, and Jamie says he thought he gave the sheet to someone named Stephanie. Danny asks where it is now, and Julie explains that she showed it to Danny earlier, and he said it was no good. Danny says that at this point, he'll take whatever he can get, but Julie tells them it's at home. Jamie tells them all to chill out because they have an hour. See, but they don't really. They all have to be in the studio, ready to go, about fifteen to twenty minutes before airtime, so that leaves about forty minutes, right? Jamie's cavalier attitude in this scene really bugged me. Apparently, I'm not the only one, as Danny says in an interview, "I'm not gonna chill out! Don't tell me that shit again!" I wish he really had said that to Jamie's face. I've got to give Danny props for the conversation with Matt, but he needs to start saying other things to people's faces. It would be a much more interesting show. Danny says that the time sheets need to be entered into the computer ahead of time. Jamie says he will, and then proceeds not to do that. Instead, he starts eating pizza.
Some woman named Kim (not me, but wouldn't that kick ass if it were?) explains the concept of a program-sequence sheet to Jamie, who apparently was absent during the two other episodes where this was explained. I could do one by now, for crying out loud. Jamie asks her how to expand (or expound, he can't decide) on what he already has. She starts to explain patiently, but before she can get two words out of her mouth, Jamie says that he has to greet the guests and takes off. Kim asks Kelley, Melissa, and Julie if they know enough about the guests, and Kelley says, "No!" Gee, Kelley, tell us how you really feel. Don't hold back. Jamie is telling the guests that he hopes to have a "free-flowing discussion on the evolution of black music." Well, I guess now they know exactly what to expect. In an interview, Kelley says that Jamie's tactic was to get the best names, but he forgot that the interviewers have to know who they're talking to, or the guests sound really stupid and it's the host's fault.
This is Jamie's opportunity for redemption. All he has to do is say that he fucked up, and acknowledge his mistake, and apologize, and my respect for him would increase by about a thousand-fold. Instead, he lamely goes with, "I gave it to Stephanie..." In an interview, Kelley says that Jamie is trying to make excuses, but they need to "put [their] tail between their legs and leave." Jamie says that he brought in content. Elton says that the best content in the world won't matter if they can't "technically execute," because the audience won't see the content if the "cameras are out of focus," and there is "no cover shot because there are too many people" on the stage, and the audience will hear someone talking and see someone else. Go, Elton. Go, Elton. It's your birthday! Jamie realizes that the "great content" argument isn't flying, but the one he comes up with is even more ill-advised. He says that Elton was helpful "at first," to get them "amped up," but since then, he hasn't seen Elton around. Hey, good idea. Insult the guy who's pissed at you in the first place. He's sure to stop yelling at you now! If this were a cartoon, steam would be pouring out of Elton's ears, and there would be a temperature gauge on his forehead with the needle pointing above "Hot," and he'd be boiling over. Elton asks Jamie if he did not, in fact, stop by Elton's office and tell him that the show was under control. Jamie decides to go back to the "good content" argument, but Elton interrupts and tells him to "cut it," and says that Jamie's just "making excuses," and "the bottom line [is] that the show was not put together well -- accept that, learn from it, and let's move on. Goodbye." I love Elton. He is everything every other Real World boss should have been. In an interview, Danny says that "once again, Jamie screws things up because he's irresponsible as hell." Danny, you're such a gossip. I like that in a person. Jamie tells everyone that he takes "full responsibility for the shantiness [sic] of the show," but then he proceeds to dish off that responsibility, saying that he sensed a "general apathy" that made him not want to make his roommates do anything. In an interview, Jamie finds the straw that breaks the camel's back when he says that "some of [his] roommates' distaste for [him] is jealousy," and that there is "some enjoyment in seeing Jamie fail." While the second part is true for me, he can dream on about the first part.
week, Julie smooches some guy named Baxter. Jamie calls Kelley a "psycho woman." Julie learns how to box, and it looks like she gets beaned right in the nose.
Over the credits, Melissa relates another funny conversation with her father, in which she explained the rooming situation to him. She describes it as three straight guys in one room, two white girls in the other, and she and Danny in the "outcast suite." Once again, we all learn that small doses of Melissa is the best way to go.