Welcome everyone, to the new season of the Real World. Have you heard? It's in New Orleans. I wasn't sure if you caught that, given the nine million promos MTV has been running for it. Anyway, the episode kicks off with the standard "true story" script except instead of "picked to live in a house," they've been "picked to live in a mansion." I kind of wish they would skip the credits on the first episode, because it ruins any drama there might normally be about who exactly made the cut. Then again, the commercials during the casting special did the same thing, so I don't know why it matters.
The first roommate we meet is Julie, a twenty-year-old from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, who is a student at Brigham Young University. She's standing on a street corner, waiting for her luck to change, with a guitar case. Oh good Lord, please tell me we won't have to listen to her playing the guitar. I would be willing to bet that she really, really likes Jewel. Just a hunch. Julie is wearing a cardigan sweater and hugging herself as if it's a little chilly. Anyway, she tells us that she's waiting for a "streetcar" that's going to take her to her new place where she'll meet new people. I guess that's for those of you who have never seen or heard of this show before. In an interview, where Julie is wearing a really bright yellow sweatshirt that hurts my eyes, she tells us that she goes to Brigham Young University, in case you are illiterate, or forgot the information that was displayed on the screen ten seconds earlier. She tells us BYU is 99.5% Mormon. This seems like an appropriate place to say that I was under the impression that people of the Mormon faith preferred to be called Latter-Day Saints or LDS, but since Julie says Mormon, I'm going to as well. At her university, co-ed living is against the rules, and they don't know that she is going to be on the Real World, and she doesn't know how they'll react when they find out. Well, since it's against the rules, I would guess they won't be that happy.
we see David, a twenty-two-year old from Chicago, Illinois, who attends Culver-Stockton College. He's carrying a backpack with an Ernie (from Sesame Street) doll attached. In an interview, he tells us that he thinks his roommates initial reaction to him will be fear. He's a big fella. He's got those crazy, lumpy neck muscles. David is wearing a tank top. Men should not wear tank tops, except for working out, or sleeping. Even then, it's iffy. Plus, Julie was wearing a sweater, so I'm guessing it's not so hot that David just couldn't stand to wear sleeves.
The streetcar finally arrives to pick up Julie. While we see shots of her riding the streetcar, she tells us her parents are worried about her taking time off from school to live in a strange city, but that she hopes to "form [her] own life." The streetcar stops and David gets on, and they hug. Contrary to David's earlier prediction, Julie does not look scared. David tells Julie she is "bubbly." I bet she gets that a lot. He also says it was a "good hug." What would a bad hug be? If she missed and ended up hugging the streetcar conductor? David immediately gets all up in Julie's business, asking her about her "situation back home," especially concerning family or relationships. Well, that was subtle. Julie says she's single, and David says he is too. Then he asks her if it's hard to be single, and Julie says that "boys are trouble." Yeah, and they have cooties. David asks her if she's a "playa." Julie just laughs to disguise that she's not down with the lingo.
We see a bag of rice and then a woman sitting in a chair wearing a duffel coat. Hey, my mom had that coat. In 1977. We learn this fashion-impaired person is Melissa, a twenty-two-year old from Tampa, Florida, and a graduate of the University of South Florida. She sits there and waits, until the roommate arrives. He is Danny, a twenty-two-year old from Rockmart, Georgia, and a graduate of the University of Georgia. He tells Melissa she must be the one he's supposed to meet. I wonder what tipped him off -- the luggage or the camera crew? After introductions, Melissa points to her bag and Danny takes it. Well, that was rude. Melissa grabs her bag of rice. It's like instead of the Log Lady from Twin Peaks, she's the Rice Lady. She cradles it as they sit in a van. I can see why she would need to bring her own rice, because if there's one thing New Orleans is lacking, it's got to be rice. It's only in every dish they serve in that city. Jambalaya? Rice. Red beans and? Rice. In an interview, Melissa says that when they started talking, Danny told her he had a secret, and she rolls her eyes to indicate what she thinks of that. Back in the van, Melissa bugs Danny to tell her what the secret is, but Danny wants her to wait. Okay, he's bugging me with the secret already. If you have a secret that you don't want to give up, you don't tell people that. You just don't discuss it. I share Melissa's frustration. After pestering him some more, Melissa proclaims Danny "retarded" and says she hates him. He says, "No, you don't." She says, "Yes, I do." This goes on for way too long and I'm bored already.
Julie and David's streetcar stops at a house named, "Belfort." I have a name for my house, too! It's called, "Piece of Crap." Well, it's not on a plaque by the door or anything, but it might as well be. Julie and David do the typical Real World, "Can you believe this house?" thing. Like, did they expect they'd be living in a shanty by the river? Come on. As they walk up to the house, David says he's "never had a doorway." Did he get in and out of his apartment through the window? Through a hole in the roof? What a strange thing to say. Anyway, they unlock the door and step inside the gaudiest house I have ever seen. It's all bright colors and ugly crap. David tells us the kitchen is "straight from The Jetsons." There's a fireplace, but instead of a fire there is a video screen that displays a fire-like pattern. There's a giant metal bug on the wall, for a look that screams, "Infestation." There's a big metal heart on the wall. I hope, unlike Kaia from Hawaii, that they've all had their tetanus shots, because someone is definitely going to get cut on all the metal in this place. Prodigy Internet gets a product placement. David says the place is "tight," then asks Julie if he's said that enough yet. They run up the stairs to check out the bedrooms. David says that it looks like "Busta Rhymes and Martha Stewart got together and just created a bathroom." In an interview, Julie says she likes the color and the way the house captures New Orleans. I guess it does, if by "New Orleans," she means "tacky." And maybe she does. They discover that the bedrooms have themes, one of which is "voodoo." Some skeletons hanging on the walls exemplify this. Julie doesn't want to sleep in that room. I wouldn't either. It's creepy. David is so excited that he hugs Julie again, and this time she does look afraid. There's a big old crocodile hanging on the wall. David points it out, and once again exclaims, "This is tiiiiiiiight." Enough.
Julie notices someone else has arrived. We meet Matt, a twenty-one-year old from Hiawassee, Georgia, who is a student at Georgia Tech. He hugs Julie, and in an interview, Julie tells us that when she first saw him, she thought he was the one she would hook up with, if it's going to happen. Julie calls David down and he hugs Matt as well. No one pays any attention to the other girl who has arrived. Finally, she introduces herself and we learn that she is Kelley, a twenty-three-year old from Fayetteville, Arkansas who is a student at the University of Arkansas. Kelley hugs David, and in a voice-over, David pegs the two new arrivals as "the supermodel and the skateboard kid." Matt finds the fridge. Inside is a bunch of food with a sign that says, "Welcome to your new home. Enjoy your first taste of N'Awlins." You know, it's one thing to say "N'Awlins" but it's quite another thing to write it. David finds a robotic dog (a Sony Aibo) and Matt is all, "I've heard about these." Because he's the tech head, you know. They all play with the dog. In an interview, Julie says maybe it's because she lived in Provo where everyone's the same, but everyone in the house is different and that's cool. You know, I want to hate Julie and everything she stands for, just on general principle, but she's really not bugging me. Yet. Give it time. Kelley asks Julie if she's single, and they discover they both are. In fact all of the roommates are thus far. Why is this the first question they ask one another? I don't know if I've ever asked someone I just met if they are single. Matt makes a really dorky gesture that allows you to see that he clearly was a dork for much of his life and adopted this "supafly" persona only recently. We get the first really creative edit of the season as, while Matt makes his dorky gesture celebrating singledom, we hear a voice-over of Julie saying, "I'm sooooo ready." I mean, she could have been talking about being ready to go to church, or eat some ice cream, but they made it out like she was talking about getting some action. With Matt. Get used to that, because it's a big focus of this episode. David yells out that "singles rule the house." Shut up, David.
Back in the Van of Secrets, Melissa bugs Danny some more about his secret, and I'm sure he's wishing that he kept his big mouth shut. I know I am. Danny distracts her by asking what she thinks the roommates will be like, and if maybe they will all be white. Melissa asks him if he has a "complex about white folks." Danny says he "likes vegetables in [his] white rice." I don't even know what that means. Melissa rolls her eyes along with me, and says that Danny is "just enough salt for all [her] pepper." Enough with the food metaphors. Melissa has this really annoying habit of saying what she thinks is a bon mot and then fluffing up her hair with her hand in a very affected faux-diva kind of way. She needs to stop that. In case you missed the casting special, Melissa informs us that she is "half Black and half Filipino." Melissa tells Danny that she hoped he would be ugly, and that she wanted everyone else in the house to be ugly so that she could be "the shining star." Hey, what a surprise. Someone on the Real World is an attention junkie. Melissa bets that everyone will be cute and have "big boobs." Even the guys? Melissa is worried that the other girls will be cute and want to put on makeup all the time. This statement would carry a lot more weight (and humor) if Melissa didn't have on perfectly-applied lipstick. Danny asks her if she thinks the rest of the group will be all guys. Melissa says if it were all guys, she would think "yahooey kablooey" and make them push all the beds together, so that she could lie in the middle and have a "man sandwich" every day, because she loves boys. Okay, she's sassy and sexy. We get it.
Matt and Julie sit in front of the computer. Shout-out? Matt asks Julie if she has any tattoos. She doesn't, and asks him if he does. He doesn't, but he designs them. He claims to be "all about design, art and stuff." He pulls up a few websites, but not this one, unfortunately. The producers would probably edit it out if he did. Julie asks him if he's from Atlanta, and he says that he's really from a small town outside Atlanta, and it's "really rural." In an interview, Julie says that Matt "blows [her] mind" because he "seems to encompass all these different qualities [she] didn't think you could get in one person." Man, if she thinks Matt is the bee's knees, she really has lived a sheltered life. I mean, nothing against him (yet), but he hardly seems like the most interesting and dynamic person ever. Matt complains that she knows all about him and he knows nothing about her. Julie claims she is "boring" and she doesn't even know why they picked her to be on the show. In an interview, Matt says that Julie is "sweet" and "innocent" and "it's real [sic] attractive" and that he "can't help but be attracted to her." Hey, do you think these two like each other? That's the one thing I can't stand about this show: they keep you guessing all the time. They hardly give you any hints as to what's really going on. Matt starts talking about his "baby back home," which has a nineteen-inch monitor, "600 megahertz, 128 MB of RAM." Okay, first, how lame is it that he's trying to impress her with the speed of his processor? And second, that's not even that great. In an interview, Julie says she has a feeling she's going to really like him. Oh, for God's sack. Why don't they just get married already?
We see a shot of a yellow duffel bag at an airport as we hear Fiona Apple singing, "Fast As You Can." This would all be a lot more dramatic if we didn't see Jamie in the opening credits and know that he's on the show.
Back at Belfort, we learn that Danny speaks French. Someone says that he will probably seduce all the women and Julie agrees that he is "a smoothie." Mmm, smoothies. I had a raspberry one today. Kelley asks Danny if he will tell her his secret en français. Danny says, "Je suis pied," which I translated using my high school French to, "I am a foot" or possibly, "I am at the foot." But it's been a while. Kelley is about as clueless as I am, and she doesn't even have the captioning to help her. She got the "I am" part, but confesses to having no idea what the last word was.
They all wait around for the last person to arrive, peeking out the doors and stuff. Melissa hopes the last person is a guy, like we get it. After a while, they all give up and go about their business. Finally, Jamie arrives and when he walks in, he says, "Dyn-o-mite!" in what I assume is another attempt to show how he is down with the homies, by referencing Jimmy "J.J." Walker. Or he could be referring to the house. Kelley finally notices he is there and calls out to the rest of the roommates. Melissa, of course, wants to know, "Is it a boy?" Someone says that it is a boy, and Melissa does a dance move that I can only describe as "doggy-style with ass-slapping." I hope that gives you a visual.
Matt introduces himself to Jamie, and we learn that Jamie is a twenty-two-year old from Chicago, and a Cornell University graduate. In an interview, Melissa says that Jamie is "sickeningly perfect." Yeah, a perfect replica of Frankenstein. David asks what part of Chicago Jamie is from. Jamie says he's from the "North Shore, near Northwestern." We learn that David is from the south side of Chicago, which is the baddest part of town, and if you go down there, you better just beware of a man named Leroy Brown. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. In an interview, Jamie tells us that the north side was a great place to grow up. David tells Jamie that he grew up near Comiskey Park in the projects, and asks if Jamie gets to the south side much. Now, that was kind of mean. Clearly, Jamie has not, but now to admit that he hasn't makes him look like a snob. I mean, he probably is a snob, but it doesn't seem very kind to set someone up like that. Jamie says he only went there to go to ball games a few times. At least he didn't say he only went there to buy drugs or something. David does a mocking "white-guy" voice and says, "I stay clear of the south side." Jamie laughs and points at David's muscles and says that's why he stays clear, because of guys like David living there. In an interview, Jamie says that "the stork dropped [him] in the right place." Um, maybe he didn't get the memo, but there is no stork. Now that we've taken ten minutes to learn how David and Jamie are from different parts of the same city, David tells us in a voice-over that they are from very different worlds. Wow, thank you for telling me that.
Everyone decides to eat the food left for them in the fridge. David says they are feasting on "gumbo, collard greens and cornbread." In an interview, Kelley describes the food as "so choice." I haven't heard "choice" used as an adjective since Ferris Bueller, but I'm not exactly hip to the lingo. Everyone chows down. Jamie asks Julie about BYU. Danny asks her if she's Mormon. In a voice-over, Julie says she came into the house "on the defensive" because of her religion, and assumed that everyone would gang up on her. Danny asks if she's a "hard-core" Mormon, and avoids caffeine. Julie says she tries to, but she's not "anal about it." Melissa asks what that's about, because she just doesn't know about it. In an interview, Julie says it's "normal" to her, but some people don't know about it. Jamie the Idiot Boy asks if she's married, and when she laughs at him, he says he thought "they" got married at sixteen. You know, wouldn't it have been easier to say, "I don't know anything about your faith, but I'd love to learn more about it, and I have a lot of questions. Some of them might sound stupid, but I really am ignorant about your religion." Then, Julie wouldn't be on the defensive, and her roommates could feel free to ask away. Of course, that would also reduce the potential conflict, and the producers would hate it. In an interview, Julie goes, "Ooh, the Mormon girl, what's her deal?" which was a strange juxtaposition. Melissa changes the subject, but only to bring up Danny's secret again. Clearly, he's making a big deal about this secret to get attention, and the more she asks him about it, the more she's feeding his need. They should all just shut up about it, because they're just rewarding his immaturity.
They decide to show Jamie around the place and pick bedrooms. Matt says he wouldn't feel comfortable rooming with a female, and I respect that. In an interview, Matt tells us he doesn't "plan on sharing a bed with a lady or anything," so a single bed will be fine for him. I hate when people say "lady." In an interview, Julie says that Kelley took charge of the room selection process. We see Kelley getting everyone's input about who wants to be where, and she manages to tell everyone where to go, and meets everyone's requests. There's the twenty-fifth boom mike shot, like the boom mike person needs to go lift some weights or something. He or she clearly doesn't have the upper body strength to hold the mike up out of the shot. In an interview, Kelley says the room selection process was easy, and she thought there would be fights about it. As everyone goes into their rooms, Kelley turns around and says they're all going to be sleeping in the same bed anyway, so why even talk about it. I think that was a joke, but no one laughed.
Jamie asks about a picture of Danny and Paul sitting on the mantel. In an interview, Jamie says he hasn't ever lived with a gay guy before, and then asks the interviewer if "gay" is the "politically correct" word. First of all, I refuse to believe that he went to Cornell, because he's so stupid. Second of all, I refuse to believe that he went to Cornell, a fairly large university, and never encountered a gay man, or had to deal with issues of sexuality, unless he went out of his way to avoid it. Loser.
Julie and Kelley are unpacking in their shared room. Julie starts playing the guitar. Here it comes. Danny stands in the doorway listening, and tells us in a voice-over that he wants to "protect her" because she's "so cute and innocent." What is she, a kitten? Julie stops playing (mercifully) when she sees Danny but he tells her to continue. In an interview, Julie says Danny is "super sweet, ultra-sensitive and a beautiful human being." She knows all this in less than twenty-four hours, I guess. Then again, the interview could be from the end of the season. In an interview, Julie says she thinks she will do a lot of growing while she's living in the house. As they prepare for bed, Julie says she can't believe she gets this big bed all to herself. Danny tells her she doesn't right now, and hops in with her. Julie still has all her clothes on, by the way, even though Kelley is parading around in a camisole and boy-cut pants. In an interview, Julie says at BYU she would never be allowed to lie in bed with a male friend and talk. Julie tells Danny it's 4 AM and she has a boy in her room, which is definitely against the rules.
In the morning, everyone gets up and we see some morning rituals including David working a heavy bag. Julie's on the phone with her parents. Her father asks if she went to church, and she says she did. He asks if she met a particular bishop or something, and she says he was "out of town." That sounds kind of like going to church for the last five minutes just to get a church bulletin to take home as "proof." Not that I've ever done that. Her father asks her who her roommate is, and she says Matt. This provokes her father to say he has to have a talk with her. Did her parents not know she would be living with guys? In an interview, Julie says that living in this house, she feels like she can say anything to her parents and they can't do anything about it. Her father tells her he is going to build a "Wall of Jericho" down the center of her room. Julie jokes that it's a king-sized bed so everything is fine. Her mother seems to get the joke, but her father doesn't seem very amused. Matt and Melissa are sitting in the room, totally listening in, like butt out! Julie says that she just wants her parents to try to understand that she is doing this.
Julie tells David that she should learn the blues, since she's living in New Orleans. I would suggest that first she learn how to tune her guitar, because it's hurting my ears. Julie plays some arpeggios and David tells her the music is "tight" (enough with that!) and she could put a "mad beat to it." Julie starts singing and my cats collectively give me a dirty look and leave the room. The dog door starts howling in pain. Seriously, she cannot sing. It doesn't help that the song she is attempting (I won't say singing) has lyrics like, "Can the child within my heart rise above?" Wait, I recognize those lyrics. Oh my God! That was supposed to be "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac? What the fuck ever. In a voice-over, David says that tears came from Julie's eyes while she sang, and he wonders what that song means to her. Maybe she's just sad that she is such a bad singer and doesn't know how to tune her guitar. In an interview, Julie is sobbing and says that she wrote off David right away and maybe she does that too much with people. Girl, pull it together! You can't cry in the first episode!
Jamie and Kelley are in the hot tub. Danny joins them. In an interview, Kelley says that she's open to romance. Jamie tells his roommates that he doesn't want the commitment of a girlfriend right now, and he's only looking for "companionship or physicality." In an interview, Danny says he's attracted to Jamie and Kelley "big time," but it's purely physical and he won't do anything about it. Jamie says women are there for two reasons, for "companionship and friendship" or "limbidimous [sic] satisfaction." I swear to God, he said "limbidimous." It was even captioned that way. What a tool. When you look up Madonna/whore complex in the encyclopedia, you see Jamie's scary Frankenstein visage. Kelley tells him how offended she is, sort of. Jamie digs himself further in a hole by saying that his "teen and twenty years" are for him to "be with [his] boys" in a "fraternalesque relationship." He really, really needs to stop making words up. Danny comments that if he likes to hang out with his boys, he should become gay and that would take care of it. In an interview, Jamie says that Danny flirted with him. James says he loves women because he's definitely not gay! Danny says he was kidding. In an interview, Jamie says it's a joking thing because he's definitely not gay! Danny might find him attractive, but it's done, just like Jamie finds a hundred million woman attractive (because he's definitely not gay!), but he wouldn't act on it. Kelley asks Danny to be straight. Danny says being gay is the only thing in his life that's right.
Welcome everyone, to the new season of the Real World. Have you heard? It's in New Orleans. I wasn't sure if you caught that, given the nine million promos MTV has been running for it. Anyway, the episode kicks off with the standard "true story" script except instead of "picked to live in a house," they've been "picked to live in a mansion." I kind of wish they would skip the credits on the first episode, because it ruins any drama there might normally be about who exactly made the cut. Then again, the commercials during the casting special did the same thing, so I don't know why it matters.
The first roommate we meet is Julie, a twenty-year-old from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, who is a student at Brigham Young University. She's standing on a street corner, waiting for her luck to change, with a guitar case. Oh good Lord, please tell me we won't have to listen to her playing the guitar. I would be willing to bet that she really, really likes Jewel. Just a hunch. Julie is wearing a cardigan sweater and hugging herself as if it's a little chilly. Anyway, she tells us that she's waiting for a "streetcar" that's going to take her to her new place where she'll meet new people. I guess that's for those of you who have never seen or heard of this show before. In an interview, where Julie is wearing a really bright yellow sweatshirt that hurts my eyes, she tells us that she goes to Brigham Young University, in case you are illiterate, or forgot the information that was displayed on the screen ten seconds earlier. She tells us BYU is 99.5% Mormon. This seems like an appropriate place to say that I was under the impression that people of the Mormon faith preferred to be called Latter-Day Saints or LDS, but since Julie says Mormon, I'm going to as well. At her university, co-ed living is against the rules, and they don't know that she is going to be on the Real World, and she doesn't know how they'll react when they find out. Well, since it's against the rules, I would guess they won't be that happy.
we see David, a twenty-two-year old from Chicago, Illinois, who attends Culver-Stockton College. He's carrying a backpack with an Ernie (from Sesame Street) doll attached. In an interview, he tells us that he thinks his roommates initial reaction to him will be fear. He's a big fella. He's got those crazy, lumpy neck muscles. David is wearing a tank top. Men should not wear tank tops, except for working out, or sleeping. Even then, it's iffy. Plus, Julie was wearing a sweater, so I'm guessing it's not so hot that David just couldn't stand to wear sleeves.
David and Kelley are sitting outside talking. David says that Kelley travels a lot. He is stirring his drink with a knife for some reason. Kelley says she needs "constant stimulation," and asks if David likes to go out. David says he does, but he doesn't drink, and dancing is his "high." In an interview, David says when he goes out, he's looking for "fine" and "cute" women, because "that's how a playa operates." I'm already tired of his playa schtick. It's played out, yo. David confesses that he wants to strip in a club at some point. Kelley doesn't believe it. David says he only wants to do it once because he's "worked so hard" on his body, and he's proud of it. In the background, you can see Julie on the phone, probably calling her florist to order the flowers for her wedding to Matt.
Danny asks Melissa if she's ever been to New Orleans, and as they arrive at the house, they're all, "Hey, this house sucks! It's so small and crappy!" Of course, they're not. They're all, "Woo! This house rocks!" Danny says that the house looks like Tara and Melissa says, "Who's Tara?" Shout-out? Probably not. And by the way, look at the brains on Melissa! Danny explains he was referring to the plantation from Gone With the Wind. They run up to the house, and Melissa practically shoves Danny over in her rush to get to the door first. In a voice-over, Melissa says she was expecting a butler to answer the door. Anyway, as they walk up to the door, they debate over whether they should knock. Danny decides to just walk in, and everyone hugs everyone else. I must be a huge prude, because I'm really not comfortable hugging people I just met. Clearly, these folks don't have that problem. In an interview, Melissa says her first impression of David is that his "muscles are way too big." Girl, I feel you. Everyone starts giving their bio, and Melissa yells for everyone to take turns because she wants to hear everything. Oh, I get it. It's all about her. They look around the house, and we get about the fifth boom mike sighting of the episode thus far. I haven't been mentioning them because there are so many, it would really interrupt the flow of the recap. Anyway, Melissa is so excited about the house that she has to grab someone's butt. Matt is the closest, so she grabs away. Now, if their genders were reversed, someone probably would have filed charges. I'm just saying. Matt says, in the flattest monotone possible, "She grabbed my butt," but he actually manages some inflection when he follows it up with, "She's all up in my seam." Danny warns them that Melissa is "freaky." Someone mentions the robot dog (but doesn't mention the robot part) and Melissa says they can't have a dog because she "does not like animals." Wow, she just went down like ten notches in my book. Plus, she did that hair pat thing again. What is she, Mae West? Melissa says she wishes the last roommate would arrive so they could pick their bedrooms.
Danny and Kelley get into bed together and Kelley says Jamie will be joining them. Julie says she's never slept in the same room with a boy. Kelley asks her about her brother, and Julie says he's not a boy and it doesn't count. Kelley jokes that in Arkansas it counts, and I think I heard the crew cracking up. In a confessional, Julie says that at BYU, her friends consider her wild, liberal and radical but in this house she's "Molly Mormon" again. Julie leaves. Guys, this is the funniest moment in the show. Jamie comes dancing into the room, doing a little jig and looking at the floor. He looks up and sees Danny in the bed, and just stops dead, then turns and walks out of the room. Ha! Clearly, he either thought he was going to get lucky and felt shot down, or he was nervous about sleeping in the same bed as Danny. Either way, it was funny as hell. I rewound it like ten times. Kelley goes after him and asks why he's not joining them. Jamie mumbles a lame excuse about having to work the day. Kelley gets back into bed with Danny and says that her mom said, "You don't have to worry about abstinence with a gay guy, because they're the safest thing in the world to have in bed." Julie says that if Danny wakes up straight, she'll be worried. So Julie knows Danny is gay? I'm surprised the producers didn't make a bigger drama out of that discovery, considering how on the casting special she said she thought homosexuality was disgusting. I hope they don't try to pretend that she doesn't know week. Anyway, Kelley says she's "not that good" and Danny says he hasn't woken up straight in twenty-two years.
David and Matt are eating breakfast. David asks Matt what he thinks Julie would be like in a relationship. Matt says she would be "selfless and giving." In an interview, David says that Julie and he have "the music thing" in common. David says that he and Julie have "completely different" lifestyles, but maybe that's why he's drawn to her. He says this to Matt, by the way.
In an interview, Danny says he's feeling the temptation to "hook up, big time." I'm feeling the temptation to tell him not to say "big time" anymore. Danny calls Paul and they talk about how much they miss each other and whether they should be exclusive. Danny channels Gay David from Seattle by saying "kid" a lot. The producers also get a lot of shots of him touching his ankle but because of the weird camera angle, it looks like he's putting his hand down his pants or something. Anyway, after Danny gets off the phone, he puts on his headphones and sits at the breakfast bar while Melissa and Matt sit in the background. I swear to God, Matt is always in the background.
Julie asks David if he thinks he's a "player," and points out a bumper sticker he owns that says, "Move out of the way or you're gonna get played." David says he has experience, and experience is the key to life, so he's living life. Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either. Julie asks him about his first impression of her. David says he thought she was "fresh like a snowflake" and David felt like he would corrupt her. In a confessional, Julie says that she has a connection with David, and they're "meshed" and she can see into him and he can see into her. What? Where did that come from? David compares himself to dirty, slushy snow, and Julie says, "Yellow snow?" Once again, Matt is in the room for this conversation, even though he hasn't said a word, and you didn't even see that he was there until the end. Dude, he's creeping me out. He's everywhere! David asks if Julie could ever see herself with a person like him. Julie says she doesn't know and giggles. David needs to tone it down about ten notches.
David hums along with a tape recorder, and informs us in a voice-over that he is "writing a song" for Julie based on one of her guitar parts. Oh my God. You know before, when I said that Jamie's jig was the funniest part of the episode? I lied. This is. David is making these strained faces while he sings, like he's trying to push out a bowel movement, and it is so hysterical. He's so deadly serious about the whole thing. Anyway, he is clearly infatuated with Julie. He says some other stuff in this scene, between songs, but that's what it boils down to.
Matt and Julie are playing pool and he mentions that he might fly a friend named Tammy down. Julie asks who Tammy is, and Matt says she's a former girlfriend. In an interview, Matt says he can't tell when girls are interested in him. Julie says she thought about flying John down, obviously trying to make Matt jealous. In an interview, Julie says she would like to find someone to love, or even a good friend. Julie tells Matt she's planning on marrying a guy who is her best friend, and they will have known each other forever, and it'll be right. Then she waits until Matt turns his back and mouths, "You!" and points at him, and then writes "I heart Matt" with pool chalk on the table. Matt doesn't get it.
Julie is on the phone with her friend, "Tifani." She says Matt "drives her crazy" because he's "so perfect." See, I'm still not feeling it. Tifani surmises that Matt always has the right words to say and always looks good. Are we all talking about the same Matt here? The breakdancer? In an interview, Julie says she thinks Matt is "awesome" and a "wonderful person." Then she calls her mom to tell her to book a reception hall for her upcoming nuptials to Matt.
Kelley and Danny discuss Paul. Danny says that they met each other and then spent the three days together (but he doesn't add the obvious "having sex"). Kelley asks how long ago that was, and Danny says three weeks. Wait, this guy he's been pining over and has eight million pictures of, they've only known each other three weeks? Whatever. Danny says that "this kid has a heart of gold" and is "just as whipped as [he is]." Paul calls and says he's coming to visit. In an interview, Danny explains that you can be gay in the military, but you can't be out. I know, that is the dumbest policy ever. I'm sure our non-American readers are appalled. I feel you. I'm so embarrassed. Anyway, Danny has a big red thing to his nose, like he either just picked a zit or got scratched by a bear or something. Danny says he doesn't want to compromise Paul, because Paul is putting his entire life on the line and "it means so much."
David and Julie are walking down the street. David invites Julie to "jam" with him because he feels that's how he'll connect. Insert your own single entendre here. I know I did. In an interview, David says he wants to connect, but Julie doesn't want to. He says the invitation is there, but he's not going to sit around and wait, because "the party will go on and if you don't RSVP, that's your problem." Shut up, David.
In an interview, Melissa says David is "a player" and that he didn't give the girls in the house a chance, and she guesses they weren't cute enough for him. Well, he gave Julie a chance. I guess he just didn't like you, Melissa. We see David talking to many different women at a club.
Kelley and Danny, who are apparently surgically attached at this point, are waiting for Paul to arrive. Danny runs out to greet Paul and Kelley can't give them two minutes alone, because she comes out on the porch and stares at them as they hug and kiss. Kelley justifies her behavior by saying she's trying to make Paul feel comfortable. I'm sure staring at him while he greets his boyfriend is really the best way to accomplish that goal.
David enters the house with a women he picked up at a club. In an interview, he says he has "mad game" and "more game than Monopoly." Shouldn't that be "more game than Parker Brothers"? Because Monopoly is really just one game.
The morning, shots of Julie getting ready for church are intercut with shots of David and his hookup chick sleeping in bed together. Julie meets this woman ("Shea") in the kitchen, and they make awkward small talk until Julie leaves for church and David walks Shea out.
Later, Julie asks David about Shea, and jokes that he must have just picked her up that morning. David says that would be "quick game." Julie says it bothers her that he calls it a game. In an interview, David says that all girls that "chill" with him are "players." Whatever, Teck. In an interview, Julie says that no woman deserves to be the player type. Okay, I don't think anyone dragged that woman kicking and screaming into the house, and she looks of age to me, so Julie needs to lay off. If she doesn't want people to be judgmental about her values, she needs to be less judgmental of others, no?
Danny and Paul make out in the hot tub. Then, they are at a restaurant and Kelley the Siamese Twin is there too for no apparent reason. Maybe she's Paul's beard. Kelley asks Paul if Danny is allowed to kiss someone else. Why is she all up in their business? In an interview, Danny says he's going to try to be monogamous. Kelley asks the couple if the absence from each other has made them realize their feelings. How long have they been gone, like three days? In an interview, Kelley says that she has no question they are in love with each other, even though "Danny is a sexpot."
Julie tells David she is concerned that his "feelings are cheapened" by his one-night stand. David says they all want sex, and some people choose not to have it, and maybe those people have a stronger will, but the desire is still there. Matt pops out of nowhere, because apparently he was in the room too, and says that Julie was saying they all have sexual desire, but that maybe giving into every desire isn't a good thing. Julie gives Matt the googly eyes and practices writing her first name and his last name in her notebook. David asks if sex is not a good thing. Matt says sex is good, and he plans on doing it quite often after he "slips a ring on some girl's finger." Julie mouths, "Mine," and mimes sliding a wedding ring on her own finger. David says he loves sex and he's good at it. Matt says he has his virginity to give to his wife, and he's pretty sure it'll be a mutual exchange. Julie hires a skywriter to write, "I'm a virgin too!" in the air above the mansion. In a voice-over, Julie says Matt will help her stay true to herself. In an interview, Julie cries and says she "can't digest" all the emotions she's having, and that she would love to be Matt's girlfriend, but she's never been attracted to someone who wasn't Mormon. Hey, I didn't know she liked Matt! Why didn't they tell us that earlier? The episode ends with Julie playing with the robot dog, Aibo. That's what I would be doing all the time if I lived there. The dog is the coolest thing in the house.