The song "The Way" by Fastball ends, and a promo comes on for 107.7 The End (a.k.a. the radio station foolish enough to employ the participants of The Real World). We see various DJs doing their thing in the booth while Irene, Lindsay, and Rebecca look on. Suddenly, the roommates are at a meeting with Phil (the program director), who asks them who wants to be on-air talent. They all raise their hands (except David and Janet). In an interview, Nathan says that all seven of them want to be on the air. But David didn't raise his hand! Or Janet! What are they, too cool for hand-raising? Phil reveals that there will be "three on-air personalities," a producer, and some field reporters. Well, Rebecca is immediately eliminated from the running to be on-air, since she lacks personality. In an interview, Rebecca tells us what Phil just told us, adding that it could be "a catalyst for a lot of silly anger and resentment." On The Real World? No way! Phil concludes that they need to turn them into "market thirteen personalities" in the few weeks, and he knows they can do it. Stephen says that it's "time for some big stuff" and he's "excited to learn about radio." So what has he been doing so far? With the taping in Nepal and the skiing and such?
Some guy who doesn't merit the Squiggly Hip Font of Character Introduction (tm Djb) shows the kiddies how the whole studio works. Stephen actually takes notes. Phil and engineer guy say that they will hate how their voices sound on tape. Like, are there people alive who haven't heard their voices on tape by the time they're about six? Between answering machines and camcorders, I think we've got that covered. Oh, wait. I forgot about Nathan the hick. He cuts a promo, and engineer guy plays it back for him. Nathan jumps around and then says, "My voice sounds horrible!" (which it does, so bully to Nathan for at least recognizing that.) In an interview, Nathan says he "sounded like a raspy, hoarse, country redneck." If the voice fits, Nate-dawg. Rebecca is up , and tells Janet (who is watching through a window) to "stop making fun." Irene gets serious feedback from the microphone, and then says "Oar-a-GAHN" instead of "OAR-a-gun," and then laughs nervously. She does have the best radio voice we've seen so far, though. Somehow her nasally whine works on radio. up is David, and everyone gets to be in the studio for his take. David is going for the "Chris In the Morning" casual vibe, like "I'm on the radio, but really, I'm just talking to you, the listener," and it's pretty annoying. In an interview, Nathan says that as the weeks pass, there will be some "serious competition." Yeah, serious competition to see who SUCKS the most.
Ew! I have not missed the Nathan/Stephanie phone conversations one bit. Anyway, they are chatting on the videophone and Stephanie is lying on her bed with her hand on her stomach and her shirt hiked up and I just can't think about it anymore. Nathan is saying some idiotic thing about how "I love you" is more than just three words, and Stephanie never knew she could love someone this much and oh God, I'm going to puke now. In an interview, Nathan says that Stephanie is coming to visit and "every emotion is going to pour out." On the phone, Nathan tells Stephanie to "go to bed and dream about..." and then he imitates the sound of bedsprings creaking. Oh, good Lord. You know, when Danny talks to Paul on the New Orleans season, it really doesn't bother me. In fact, it's cute. But this is just too much. Ew! Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. Stephanie lifts up her shirt and flashes Nathan her left breast. Nathan drops the phone, like it was exciting or something. The picture is so bad, all he saw was like three flesh-colored pixels. Whatever. In a confessional, Irene says she's excited to meet Nathan's girlfriend. What, she doesn't know her name? That confessional was probably filmed like the second day they were in the house. Nathan shows Irene some of the stuff that Stephanie sent him, including "a bottle of wine, candy, handcuffs, candy, candy." Irene and I are both like, "Wait, whoa. Handcuffs?" Irene wants to try them, but Nathan wants to wait and have "a ceremonial breaking-in" when Stephanie arrives. Irene finally gets what they are really for, as Nathan asks if she thought they were going to play "cops and robbers?" Well, they are, but in a dirty way. In a confessional, Irene says Stephanie shouldn't be threatened by Irene's relationship with Nathan.
David is in the studio, working on his tape. In an interview, Lindsay gives me the best laugh I've had since Stephen said they were all "academians" by referring to the roommates as "a bunch of overachievers." Bwa! Yeah, they work really hard at...well, nothing mostly. Going out to clubs? Scrounging up change for another pack of Marlboro Lights? Anyway, Lindsay thinks this radio competition would be an "uncomfortable situation." Nathan says, in an interview, that he's going to "throw elbows and knees and kick people in the balls" to get on the air. Wait, am I recapping The Real World or WWF Smackdown? The female roommates are trying to work out who gets to use the studio when. In an interview, Janet explains that a "dry run" is when you put in a tape and "do a couple of breaks," which really didn't explain anything at all. There is a shot of a whiteboard with a schedule written on it. Cue montage of various roommates (Irene, Lindsay, Stephen) screwing up their tapes. In an interview, Rebecca says that they're not guaranteed a radio show, unless they understand what they are doing.
Nathan greets Stephen at the airport. In an interview, Nathan says that when Stephanie is there, he will be "off in another world" and thus be "the real Nathan." No, it didn't make any sense to me either. Irene greets them at the door of Pier 70, but the other roommates apparently can't be bothered. Actually, David has already met Stephanie, so he probably knew to get out of Dodge. In the bedroom, Nathan presents Stephanie with a book on exotic massage (that he probably just took off the bookshelves in the house -- in fact, I remember Rebecca reading selections from this book in like the second episode.) Stephanie calls him a pervert, and Nathan pulls out the handcuffs. No, not to punish her. Ew. To prove that she is also a pervert. Extraneous shot of Irene in her bedroom, trying to set up the non-tense relationship tension.
Nathan and Stephanie are in the hot tub, making out, as Aerosmith plays on the soundtrack. In an interview, Nathan says this is his chance to "look in her eyes and tell her how [he feels] about her." Then there's a shot of a shower stall, but we can't see anyone. We just hear Stephanie giggling. Irene walks into the bathroom and starts blow-drying her hair. Then, Stephanie comes busting out of the stall, fully dressed, and Irene laughs. God, this is boring. Also, Nathan, it's called a hotel room. Look into it. Maybe if you didn't spend all your money on beer you could afford one.
Oh, hey, it's my old friend the Space Needle. Appearance #49 of the season. We might hit fifty in this recap! I'm so excited! Anyway, Janet explains in an interview that they each do "a dry run" and then Phil listens to and critiques it. Rebecca adds that he will help them to get better. David (who is looking about fifty-seven years old in this interview) says that everyone is "all jittery." Because they're nervous about the radio show, or for other, more illegal substance-related reasons? Everyone is gathered in Phil's office, and they listen to Nathan's promo. Phil points out what Nathan did wrong, but says that overall he "sounded confident." In an interview, Nathan says he thinks he will "put forth that extra effort." They listen to Janet's tape , but before Phil can press play, Janet offers up that she's been "really sick, so [she's] got this snot hanging out in the back of her throat." Wow, thank you for telling me that. They joke that the cold makes Janet sound like a phone sex operator. Stephen is up , and he winces as he talks right over the opening vocal on the song. In an interview, Stephen says that this is the first individual thing they have gotten to do with their radio job and he likes to be able to "shine [his] own way." I guess by "shining his own way" he means "sucking in every way." Insincerely, everyone tells Stephen his tape was really good. Phil even adds at the end, "It was a good start." In other words: "There's nowhere to go but up." Lindsay's tape is up , and Phil is very impressed. In an interview, Nathan tells us that Lindsay is "a damn ringer" because she worked in radio for about "four or five years." Well, that's hardly fair. But really, the station had to have something to work with. I'm sure B/M said, "Look, they're a bunch of amateurs, but we've got one girl who knows what the hell she's doing, so if all else fails, you can just go with her."
Nathan cuts a promo as Stephanie listens. He's really bad. Stephanie starts giving him pointers, but then says she's going to stop because Nathan looks pissed off. Nathan maturely says that he's "not doing it ever again" because he doesn't care anymore. Whatever, baby. Baby, baby, stick your head in gravy, wrap it up in bubble gum and send it to the Navy. Why would you send it to the Navy? I never understood that one. You see what these recaps are doing to me? Do you SEE?
Ugh. It just got worse. Nathan and Stephanie are cavorting on the streets of Seattle while Janet Jackson's "Together Again" plays in the background. The only thing that could possibly cheer me up would be...wait for it...the Space Needle! It's #50. How fucking sad is it that the only reason I keep watching these episodes is to see that Space Needle. The Space Needle is my beacon of hope in a boring and annoying world.
David is in the studio recording his tape. Rebecca interrupts to ask how much longer he will be, and he says "about fifteen." Minutes? Hours? What? Rebecca says she doesn't want to wait much longer, and David turns back to the task at hand. And promptly screws it up. Cut to Nathan and Stephanie "dancing" at some club. Cut back to the studio, where Rebecca is cutting a respectable promo. Janet and David go out on the roof of the studios (I guess) to smoke, as Janet says that she sucks at this, and she doesn't even know why she's doing it.
David, Nathan, Stephanie and Irene are at some bar. Stephanie and Irene are involved in an animated conversation about...something. Nathan looks on, drunkenly. In fact, for the rest of this scene (hell, the whole season) just insert the word "drunkenly" into anything about Nathan. Nathan (drunkenly, remember?) interrupts the conversation because he's mad that they aren't paying him any attention. He tells David that he wants to "smack Irene right in her head" because she won't let him "talk to [his] woman." Well, he'll only have to wait a few episodes to see Irene smacked in the head, eh?
Back at Pier 70, Nathan informs Stephanie that he's going to bed. Stephanie tells him she is enjoying her conversation with Irene, and she'll be in shortly. Nathan walks off in his button-down shirt and boxers, and tells Irene to "go to bed and give me my woman." If my boyfriend ever referred to me as "his woman," he'd be sleeping on the couch. Even if it was his place. Stephanie hugs Irene and says she's being summoned, and then skips off down the hallway. Irene stuffs her face with some food and laughs.
In the same confessional where she was "looking forward to meeting Nathan's girlfriend," Irene says she wants to discuss herself with Phil separately. But I thought they were making their tapes after Stephanie arrived? I'm so confused. Irene enters Phil's office. Back in the confessional, she says she wants a thorough critique, because she's "all about learning" and knows "nothing about being a deejay." Montage of Phil giving Irene criticism, and Irene nodding and taking it in. Janet asks Irene how her tape went, and Irene laughs.
Now, David is in Phil's office, and David reveals that he doesn't prepare anything. Phil cues up the tape, and we hear David swear and tell the audience that he sucks. Hey, honesty is the best policy. Now, Janet and Lindsay are in the office. Phil offers some criticism. Janet says they're going to do another tape tonight and leave it under his door. Phil loves that they are "motivated" and "determined to be on the air." Janet says she just wants to do her best, and if she doesn't get on the air, no problem.
Space Needle #51. Rebecca plays Smashing Pumpkins "Tonight" and gets ready to speak. In an interview, Rebecca says that if you really want it, you have to be in the station twenty-four hours a day. Janet, who is in the studio with Rebecca, says that their goal is to be out of there by 3:00 AM. In an interview, Irene says that "all the chicks are doing a lot more work than they guys are." In an interview, Nathan says that the girls are "busting their butt" (they share a butt?) and he just doesn't feel he needs to spend as much time in the studio as they do. We get it -- the girls are the industrious ants, storing away grain for the winter, and the boys are the partying, drunken grasshoppers. Gotcha. The clock says 3:15 AM as Janet cuts her tape. In an interview, Janet says it only takes David twenty minutes to do a tape, and it takes her eighteen hours. Montage of Janet screwing up. In an interview, Stephen says he wouldn't be surprised if Janet got on. Lindsay says that Janet is "extremely competitive." There are quick shots of everyone saying that the others are competitive. Stephen thinks Lindsay will get on. Lindsay thinks Rebecca is competitive, and Nathan is competitive. We get it! Lindsay thinks everyone is competitive, including Stephen. Janet finally finishes her tape, as the clock reveals it's 4:10 AM. Amateur.
Stephanie hugs Irene goodbye, and Nathan takes her to the airport. They kiss and hug and say goodbye. In an interview, Nathan says he wants to marry her, and she makes him feel complete. Then he cries.
Space Needle #52. The phone rings, and Nathan answers. Phil wants to know where his demo tape is. Nathan says that it's not there, and Phil tells him that it's past the deadline. In an interview, Nathan says he wanted to spend time with Stephanie, so he didn't do his tape. Now, Phil calls Stephen, who he apparently woke up out of a dead sleep. Phil asks where Stephen's tape is. Stephen's all "the one due tonight?" and Phil's all, "the one due at noon today." Phil tells him to bring in what he has to their meeting that night. In an interview, Stephen repeats everything we just saw, and adds that he "missed that part of the conversation" where the due date and time were revealed.
The roommates arrive at the radio station, and gather in the conference room. Lindsay gets a fortune cookie that says, "You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally." In an interview, Rebecca says that in a perfect world, the people who got the on-air spots would be the people that invested the most. Rebecca's fortune cookie says, "Honor is the reward of virtue." In an interview, Janet says that sometimes the people who work hardest don't get what they deserve. Stephen says, in an interview, that the girls aren't working harder, because he's been "working [his] ass off." Yeah, working hard at sleeping and missing deadlines, apparently. Stephen also feels that the girls are "more visible" and "need more work than the guys do." Phil starts the meeting, and goes through the whole "tough decision" bullshit. He reveals that the on-air personalities will be Lindsay, Irene and Janet. Stephen looks pissed. Phil wants Rebecca to work the board. David says that the girls deserved it, because they put so much time in it. Phil tells Stephen that he senses "a little disappointment in [his] body language." Stephen looks extremely pissed, but says that he doesn't "have body language." In an interview, Janet says that Stephen is really obvious about showing how upset he is, regardless of the situation. As the roommates file out, Irene asks Stephen to come out for a drink with them. Stephen says no and pouts out of the station.
In the elevator, Janet and Irene are surprised that it's an all-girl show. Irene thinks that if any of the guys had done any work, it wouldn't be all girls. Over in Loserville, Population 4, Stephen bitches to Rebecca. The station's music director tells him to put a positive spin on it, and look at it as an experience they get that most people don't. Stephen says that he's just "a guy with a big ego that wanted to do something big that didn't get to do it."
Irene and Janet discuss the decision over drinks. Irene doesn't think Phil wanted to pick three girls. Janet says that the competition wasn't about being on the air, it was personal. Irene says, "Oh my God, Janet. We're going to be deejays!" I'm glad someone realizes what an opportunity has been handed to them. Ingrates. The Space Needle is the only one who understands me. The only one.