It's raining in Seattle. Alert the media. I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach, thinking they might choose this circumstance to revisit that schlock-fest "Kiss the Rain!" but there aren't any signs that my fears will be realized...yet. Nathan and Irene are sitting at the computer desk. Nathan's hair looks particularly bad today; I think it's just much longer than I'm used to, and it looks matted down, like, ease up on the gel, dude! What are you, David? Nathan says, "Maybe it's because I've been calling you 'Guyrene.'" Irene laughs and says it has nothing to do with her. Meanwhile, we the viewers have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Oh, here comes Nathan to tell us, in an interview. He says that Irene "literally had balls in [his] dream. There's no two ways about it. She had testicles." Irene starts talking about how if she dreamed about a man, the dream is really about the male part of herself, blah blah blah Time-Life Books-cakes. Nathan says that he's not listening, and then he actually does the Pee-wee Herman "la la la la" fingers-in-ears thing. He thinks Irene is "pissed off" that he dreamed she had "a penis and balls." Well, since I think that Irene has a little crush on Nathan, he's probably a little bit right. Then again, I think that Nathan has a little crush on Irene, too, and this dream was either a revelation of his latent homosexuality (see last episode) or his way of making Irene unavailable to himself. Or, it meant nothing. Stephen laughs from somewhere off-camera, and Nathan explains the whole dream to him, adding, "She has elephantiasis, too." Am I the only one, when thinking about elephantiasis of the nuts, who thinks of Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club saying, "His nuts would have to ride sidecar"? ["No!" -- Wing Chun] Yeah, I thought not. Nathan continues to argue with Irene about what his dream meant, saying that it was "bad enough to dream about [her] naked," and that it had nothing to do with him. Irene says it's about Nathan, or his relationship with her. Stephen says something wise, for once, and says that maybe it means Nathan views Irene as a buddy. In an interview, Irene says that Nathan has problems dealing with "a female like [her]" and that he "blames it on [her] being, to some extent, masculine." Now, I like Irene, and I think she is pretty, but she does have her faults. I wouldn't really count masculine among them, though. In an interview, Nathan says that he thinks Irene is beautiful, and that she's such a good friend, but you want to talk to her about "the girl you had sex with the other night." In other words, she's not relationship material. She's one of the guys. Sigh. Sorry, I had a high school flashback there. Irene continues to argue that the dream was about Nathan, and Nathan continues to argue that it was about Irene, and no one really cares anymore, do they? ["No!" -- Wing Chun]
Space Needle Shot #33 of the season. David walks down the streets alone, to the sounds of the Guitar of Mystery. At a pay phone, we hear David telling someone, "When you stole my heart, you stole my sexual desire." I don't even know what that means. In an interview, David says that for the first time, he is giving his heart "to another woman," and he's "not giving it grudgingly". Does that mean that David considers himself a woman? On the phone, David says to his mystery woman, "I have it bad." Then he walks back to the house, and says, "C'est un miracle!" to no one in particular. Nathan says he was waiting for David. Lindsay asks where he was. David says he had to talk to someone. Since no one will come right out and ask the question on everyone's mind, Rebecca takes matters into her own hands (plus, she probably wants some camera time): "Were you talking the whole time?" David was, but he's still not spilling any details. In an interview, Rebecca says that it seems that David has "a woman friend now." Ooh, the intrigue.
Janet tells Irene some of the things they are thinking of doing for Irene's birthday. Irene says she doesn't want to hear about it ahead of time, but then mock-whispers, "Male stripper!" I hope that was a joke, because ew. In an interview, Nathan tells us that Irene has made a big deal about her birthday from the day she arrived at the house to make sure everyone knew the date. I hate when people do that. Mine's September 19, if you were wondering. Then there's some more stupid banter about male strippers and the male roommates.
The gang is leaving the radio station. David tells them that he's going to get dinner by himself instead of hanging with the group, and they all seem cool with that. , we see David and Aubbie carrying a pizza to Aubbie's apartment. I guess the producers wanted us to wonder whether Aubbie was the mystery woman. Except anyone with two ounces of sense knows that Aubbie is no one's mystery woman. She's a mystery all right, but the woman part is still under review by the judges. In an interview, Janet says that David said he was going to dinner alone, and then ended up at Aubbie's place. Which is what we just saw. Thanks, Janet. David, Irene and Janet are walking down the pier, and David tells them about his dinner. Janet asks if they planned it. David says they didn't, but it seems that way. Janet keeps picking at him, and David says that if anything was going on, he would tell her. In an interview, David says that his roommates thought there was something going on because "girls look for those vibes." Janet says in an interview that it's her "grade-school mind working." ["At least she's aware of her limitations." -- Wing Chun] I have to admit that I would be intrigued if David were making all these pay phone calls and then telling everyone that he wanted to be alone, but then he ended up with Aubbie. It's like he's purposely misleading both his roommates and the crew because he truly has something to hide. Not that I have the benefit of having already seen the season, or anything.
Then, there's a shot of a seagull with the Space Needle in the background. That's thirty-four.
David waits for the bus. In an interview, David says that for the first time, he is giving his heart to a woman (and didn't we already hear that line?). But he has to hide it, and it makes him angry and he wants to come out with it. So, come out with it already! David rides the bus. He goes into a store and asks to see a particular necklace. The clerk tells him that it's made from Roman glass that is two thousand years old. Hey, that's even older than Heartbreak Harry from last episode! David pretends like he knows exactly where the glass is from, and the clerk buys it, but I don't. ["Me neither! He is such a phony. I also doubt that the clerk even cares." -- Wing Chun] The clerk wraps the necklace and asks coyly who the recipient of the gift will be. David reveals exactly how cheesy he is (like we didn't already know) by saying, "My lady." Actually, he says "Milady" like he's some sort of knight or something. In an interview, David talks about how it makes him feel good to shop for someone, but really this is all filler so that they can avoid revealing the woman's identity until the end of the episode.
Back home, Nathan, Lindsay, Rebecca, and Irene are sitting in a bedroom discussing David. Nathan says that he's worried about him. Lindsay asks if David is alone. Nathan says that David is at the pay phone. Rebecca voice-overs that there's a lot about David they don't know, and that there's a difference between what he says and how he feels, which really could have been in reference to any number of things, and not this mystery. David is on the phone, and we finally hear the mystery woman's voice. She says, "I know what love is and it's not supposed to feel like this. It can't." She continues, "I'm about sincerity. I'm about intimacy. I'm about friendships and loyalty and words that are written in stone that are never broken." Okay, so we know that she is as much of a drama queen as David. They really are meant for each other! ["Plus anyone who uses the expression 'I'm all about...' without irony is not to be trusted." -- Wing Chun] Then they talk about how David needs to figure out what he wants, but since we don't know who she is yet, that's all pretty meaningless.
Space Needle #35. Lindsay mixes some cake batter, saying she only knows how to make cake from a mix. Rebecca puts the cake in the oven. In an interview, Lindsay says that they baked a cake for Irene's birthday, and that she made an "I" with the relighting candles. We see a shot of said cake, and the frosting job is just awful. They just kind of piled the frosting on top of the cake without making any actual effort to spread the frosting, or put any on the sides. Lindsay tells us that Janet got the "bright idea" to write on the cake with ketchup, since they were out of frosting. Yeah, because after putting so much effort into the cake, I know I would want to render it inedible. What a bunch of losers. How much effort would it be to run to the store and buy a seventy-nine-cent tube of icing? Anyway, Janet writes on the cake with ketchup. It looks as gross as it sounds. In an interview, Lindsay says that Irene is the only person who would appreciate that cake. Lindsay puts the cake in a bottom cupboard. Janet tells her not to put it there, because things live back there. Then we see that shot of the mouse that they will show like twenty more times this season. I mean, they live on a pier. I'm surprised they don't have MORE animals around the house, including large rats and possibly snakes.
Janet is on the phone with Stephen while Irene does her hair in the background. Stephen asks about some birthday preparations, and Janet tries to be subtle about what she needs, saying "original plan." Stephen reveals that they are getting McDonald's food and Slurpees. In an interview, Stephen says that only Irene would enjoy Hot Tamales and cheeseburgers for her birthday. Hey! I would! That sounds like a great birthday meal. ["Dude, quit dropping hints -- I live in Canada." -- Wing Chun] Nathan enters the bathroom and gives Irene a birthday hug, and then asks if Aubbie is picking her up at seven. Irene says yes, and asks if he'll be meeting them out. Nathan says he's not going out tonight -- he thought they would be drinking at the house, which he wanted to do, but then he plans to go to bed early. Irene tries not to look disappointed that Nathan is blowing her off on her birthday.
All the female roommates plus Annoying Aubbie go to a restaurant for dinner. Irene drinks a shot. This is intercut with scenes of Nathan setting things up back at the house. There are some random people there, who are never really explained. Their gift to Irene is a framed picture of all the roommates, so Nathan arranges that on the counter, along with the fast food and candy. In an interview, Nathan says that they decided that the best thing for Irene would be "a good old trailer park birthday." Nathan sets up the computer to play "Good Night Irene." One of the aforementioned random people says that the girls are back, and they rush to light the candles on the cake. In an interview, David says that Nathan "did it up," and that he is "real creative like that" and "playfully romantic." Maybe Nathan is the mystery woman. The girls walk in and Irene laughs and laughs at the set-up. Nathan looks proud. David points out the ketchup on the cake. In an interview, Irene says that it was really special for her because her roommates found her personality, including the ketchup on the cake. Remember this moment, because this is about the last time there is harmony in this house. Irene tries to blow out the candles, which of course remain lit. Ha! I had those on one of my birthday cakes too...when I was eight.
The roommates all go to a bar. Nathan and Irene are dancing together, pretty closely. Irene voice-overs that Nathan thought to play her song on her birthday, and that he "definitely has phenomenal thoughts" and is a great person. You can practically feel the producers willing these two to hook up. Later, Nathan looks at his pager, and doesn't see a page from Stephanie, so he wants to bash it against the wall. In an interview, David tells us that Stephanie didn't call Nathan all day. I love how this show will give you a scene where something happens, and then have an interview explaining what just happened, like we didn't all just see it. And yet, I feel compelled to recap both the scene, and the interview. Now, they are all sitting at a table in the bar and Nathan starts griping that the "music sucks" and then says to Irene, "Happy birthday to you too, bitch." Irene uses one of my favorite all-purpose lines, "Good comeback." Nathan mocks her. Uh-oh, trouble in paradise. In an interview, David says that Nathan and Irene don't let each other get away with much, and that they are quick to the draw. Nathan calls Irene a bitch again, and Irene and Lindsay leave the table.
David looks out the window at the rain, and voice-overs that his heart is heavy, and he's so confused, and wonders if you truly love a person if you should choose that or put it aside. In an interview, David starts crying, and while we dodged the "Kiss the Rain" bullet, the producers are still killing me with the "Truly, Madly, Deeply" crap. In the crying interview, David says cryptically, "I just really miss people" and then excuses himself and starts bawling off-camera (but not off-microphone). David walks down the street, all romantic and shit. In an interview, David says that he had to hide his relationship because his "lady" was in charge of selecting people for "this documentary" and was not supposed to have a relationship with any of the people on the show. I don't know which is funnier: that David said "milady" again, or that he referred to the show as a documentary. David goes into a dramatic timeline of their relationship, and we finally see a picture of the mystery woman, Kira. Frankly, I don't think she's all that, but then again, neither is David. Then we see a shot of the Space Needle to break up the drama. Kira is on the phone with David, and she cries that she wants people to understand, and she broke the rules, and she's not telling David to choose her. David says the wants to choose her, over anything. Too much drama. Space Needle number thirty-seven. David walks back in the house, and he's wearing his leather jacket with a cheesy scarf, like he's Joe World War I Flying Ace or something. He meets Stephen on the way out. Stephen asks where he was, and David says he had to take care of some issues, and now he has to go do a confessional. Then he gets all dramatic again for no apparent reason and says, "This is my life." Stephen's all, "Whatever, dude."
In a confessional -- looking the greasiest he has ever looked (and that's saying something), and still wearing the aviator-like jacket and scarf -- David says that the seventeen pages he wrote at the final auditions for the show were about "Cara." You'll notice that David never says her name the same way twice. David gears up for more drama, by saying that he will "never, ever take anything back" and that this is "not gonna fuck up no process" because "this is real life." Then he shouts, "This will make it more real than anything you fucking have!" He tells the producers not to be "scared of that shit" and that they shouldn't "fret" or "be up all fucking night" because...well, let's let him tell it: "I will love that girl and nothing is going to keep my from loving her." I hope he's done with the Romeo and Juliet crap, because I'm tired of it. What? week, Kira comes to visit? Oh, sweet Jesus.