The season opens with the standard Real World credits. But wait. What's that? They said "seven people" instead of "seven strangers." Hmm, what could that possibly mean? The credits end with a fish being thrown at the Public Market, and the title of the show is painted in red letters on the side of the fish. I will get so sick of that stupid fish by the end of this season.
We see cannons in the rain, and it looks like some sort of military base, perhaps. Okay, I'm not going to pretend that I haven't seen this season before. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's the Virginia Military Institute or VMI. The song "Brick" by Ben Folds Five plays. Is someone about to take their girlfriend to get an abortion or something? We see Nathan and his girlfriend Stephanie kissing in the rain. Nathan is hard to describe. Average height, average build, brown hair, slight southern accent. Stephanie is blonde and kind of cute, I guess. David walks out with some of his classmates, and tells them to "take care of the hoopty." That must be military slang. David is kind of greasy-looking, with slicked-back dark hair; each of his eyes is a different colour. Nathan tells Stephanie he'll see her in six weeks and she starts sobbing. Keep that six-week figure in mind, because I still haven't figured out how long they're actually in that stupid house. It could be six weeks. It could be three months. Everyone says a different number each time they discuss it. In an interview, Nathan says he doesn't know what he'd do without Stephanie in his life because Stephanie's parents have taken him in. According to the recent reunion, he would make movies called Tangy Guacamole. Stephanie drives away. Nathan and David load up a van with their luggage, which consists mostly of duffel bags. David says leaving is like "emotional weightlifting." That's David -- the poet of South Boston. Some old guy in a uniform wishes them the best and tells them he knows they will represent the institute well. Clearly, he doesn't know them very well. The van pulls out. David grabs Nathan's hand and holds it to his heart in the first of many displays of homoeroticism between these two this season. Nathan says he thinks that Stephanie is "the one" and that he has to "be strong."
We get a shot of downtown Seattle. At least I think that's Seattle. Oh, there's the Space Needle. Okay, it's definitely Seattle. Oh look, they wrote "Seattle" at the bottom of the screen in case I wasn't sure. How nice. David and Nathan arrive in the city and get on a shuttle towards their house. In an interview, David says he never thought his life would take this turn, and that his only aspiration was to stay in Charlestown. Nathan says he's hoping their house has a hot tub. The two of them slap hands and hug and jostle around for like five minutes. David says he wants to "dig these people big time" and "see what they're all about," and I guess he's talking about his roommates.
They arrive at their house, which is a converted warehouse on a pier. David just takes off, leaving Nathan to pick up all their bags and carry them in. David yells out "Captain Gorton Fish Sticks, loving life!" This is my first clue that David is on drugs. What is he talking about? David and Nathan drag their bags down the pier and when they reach the door, Nathan yells out, "Oh my God!" and David falls down, laughing and clapping. It's kind of lost its shock value for me, but I guess the first time you see this house is pretty impressive. They walk in and see the décor, which I think can best be described as "eclectic." ["And would less kindly be described as 'hideously offensive.' -- Wing Chun] They reach one of the bedrooms and David yells out, "Who's your papa?" and Nathan hugs him. I'm just reporting the facts here, people. They go into the bathroom, where there are multiple freestanding sinks and what Nathan describes as "Japanese showers." David says that "even the soap is cool." ["Okay, I do like the bathroom, but the rest of the house is ass." -- Wing Chun] Nathan says it's "like looking into a candy store." The pair enter another bedroom, but quickly dismiss it as having a "girl thing." I'm not sure how they come to this conclusion, since it looked pretty similar to the other rooms to me. Back in the main room, David takes off his coat and Nathan flops onto the couch, which he quickly names "chia couch" because it looks like it's covered in ugly shag carpeting. I always thought that couch was nasty. Can you imagine how many crumbs were in there? And it must have gotten all matted down. But I'm getting ahead of myself. David points out the gas fireplace in the middle of the room, and says he used to have a fireplace growing up -- he built a fire in the "dumpster outside [his] house." Is David's last name Copperfield, because he's killing me with the sob stories. Nathan keeps exploring, checking out a robotic shark hanging on the wall, and finding a little hole in the floor that allows them to fish from inside the house.
Right to the fishing poles is an intercom, and Nathan plays around with it, accidentally hitting the gate release. He runs out to shut the gate, but sees someone entering and runs back in to tell David, because apparently they are attached at the hip. They both go out and offer the newcomer some help in carrying her bags. Nathan introduces himself to the newcomer, who is named Rebecca, and tells her that they just arrived themselves. Nathan introduces David too. Rebecca is a thin blonde, and somewhat ethereal-looking. She looks like a flower child, or a headliner on the Lilith Fair. Rebecca checks out the house as David and Nathan carry her bags in, and David mumbles that she must be "smuggling midgets" into the house. Once they get inside, David says he wants the bedroom that has a "velveteen rabbit thing" going on. Seriously, how many drugs is he on? He doesn't make any sense. In an interview, Rebecca says that David is a "bit of a smooth character" and she "definitely sees a machismo side to him". She really emphasizes the "cheese" in "machismo," and rightly so. Nathan asks Rebecca where she's from, and she replies, "Richmond, Virginia." Nathan is also from Richmond! David says "the drama's unfolding" as Nathan explains to Rebecca that he and David know each other from VMI. Rebecca says in an interview that she's "surprised that two bonded individuals came in together" but she "thinks it's great" and she would "love it if [her] best friend came out" with her. In fact, she would be "stoked." Nathan asks Rebecca if she has ever gone rock-climbing, because they have a rock-climbing wall right in the living room. David says in an interview that "five minutes into the place, she puts on her rock climbing shoes and goes to work, and I'm like 'What's up with this chick?'" Rebecca reaches the top of the wall.
Rebecca wonders aloud which room she should put all her stuff into. Nathan says he's just leaving his in the living room for now, so he doesn't "piss anybody off." Ah, the drama of choosing rooms. I love the first-episode antics. David is eating an apple, and he says he is "digging that back room real hard." Nathan says he wants the back room. Rebecca does too. Fight! Fight! Oh, no such luck. Nathan reasons that it's a guy's room and Rebecca tells him to stop trying to intimidate her. Nathan says the front room is a girls' room because it has jewelry boxes. Rebecca says, "I can tell what school y'all go to." See, they're trying to set up tension between Rebecca, who is from Virginia and familiar with VMI, and the two guys. Rebecca assumes the guys will be all aggressive and sexist because they go to military school. Don't think the producers didn't totally plan who arrives at what time for maximum conflict.
Janet is a pretty Asian woman with shoulder-length dark hair. ["I would describe her as 'very pretty' my own self." -- Wing Chun] She gets into a cab and heads for the pier. Lindsey, a short, feisty, freckled moptop, struggles with her bags and nearly falls over. Stephen, a tall African-American male waits at some sort of transportation terminal. Janet tells the cabbie it's her first trip to Seattle. We see the Space Needle again. Lindsay arrives at the terminal and sees Stephen. She hugs him and introduces herself. In an interview, Stephen calls her a "boppy little girl," which is accurate and yet condescending all at the same time. Lindsay asks Stephen if he realizes that his legs are as long as her entire body. In an interview, Lindsey says she looked at Stephen and thought he was "good-looking" and "a big boy." Ew. I'm sorry, maybe I'm just making judgments because I know what happens in the future, but I don't find Stephen at all attractive.
Back at the pier, Nathan realizes someone else has arrived. Janet rings the bell at the gate and a mechanical dog barks in the house. Will the looniness of this house ever end? ["Street signs on the wall? Whatever!" -- Wing Chun] Actually, after the first episode, no one ever climbs the rock-climbing wall or fishes through the hole in the floor. ["Doesn't David climb the wall to spoiler try to get that pigeon out?" -- Wing Chun] Just to reassure you. Everyone walks outside and introduces themselves to Janet. When Janet enters the house, she keeps yelling, "You're kidding me!" like, we get it! The house is stunning. Must we see every roommate's reaction to it? Janet says she won't want to leave when the show is over and David says he was thinking the same thing. Ah, deluded new roommates. Janet takes note of Nathan's southern accent and says she "digs" it. In an interview, Nathan says Janet has an "exotic beauty" and that she will be "a temptation." ["Plus, in this day and age, must non-white women be described by white guys as being 'exotic'? It's called 'Orientalism,' and it's kind of gross." -- Wing Chun] Okay, we've seen Nathan for all of like fifteen minutes and he's already discussed cheating on Stephanie twice. In an interview, Janet says Nathan looks "most like a hottie." Janet says it's a pleasure finally to meet all of them and Nathan takes this as his cue to run over and give her a hug. David and Rebecca exchange a look like, "Dude, why don't they just kiss and get it over with?" It's like the producers have a checklist of the things they need to foreshadow in the opening episode. Conflict over room assignments? Check. People getting mad that Nathan and David are not "strangers"? Check. Possible roommate hookups? Check.
We get a shot of the Space Needle for the fifth time this episode. Is the Space Needle one of the roommates? It's already gotten more screen time than anyone else on the show. Lindsay tells Stephen that Seattle has a "big scene" because it's a "young town," and the two of them board a train. Lindsay says, "Someone's going to hate me. It's probably going to be you! Give me three weeks." ["Three weeks goes by real fast in Seattle, because I hate her already." -- Wing Chun] Stephen says someone's going to hate him, and they're both right. Except I think they were talking about their roommates, not the viewers. Lindsay asks him if he has "weird habits" and Stephen says he does. We're left with that bit of tantalizing information, because the scene cuts to....
...Janet, who finds an envelope that has magically appeared on the computer desk. She opens it and yells, "Oh my God, we're gonna work at a radio station?" Everyone runs over to her and Janet reads the letter out loud, which informs them that they will be working at "107.7 The End." Janet yells out "Shut up!" like ten times and Nathan says it's "phat." Rebecca echoes, "Soooooo phat." In an interview, Janet tells us that "broadcasting is something I'm really interested in and for me, it made that situation that much more perfect." She tells the others that she is a journalism major.
Lindsay and Stephen arrive at the gate. Rebecca is in the midst of telling Janet that she, Nathan and David are all from schools in Virginia. Nathan explains about him and David. Janet says it's "awesome" that they already know one another. Lindsay and Stephen enter the house and start screaming, because in case you didn't get it before, the house is really cool. David asks them five times how they got in, but no one ever answers them. I guess Janet left the gate unlocked or something. In an interview, Janet says that "in the first three seconds after I met Lindsay, it just clicked. I felt like we'd known each other forever." Janet and Lindsay hug and Janet tells her to look at the bedrooms. Nathan asks if they know each other from before, and Janet says no. Nathan and David play pool while the newcomers explore the house. Nathan tells David that it's a "cool group of people" and he thinks they'll have a good time. David says Lindsay is going to be "a nutball" and he loves it. Nathan just says, "Party girls."
Stephen checks out the furniture in the bedroom, which he thinks will "foster his fashion." Nathan shows Lindsay the fishing hole. In an interview, David says that Lindsay is "beautiful" and "ripped, like grinding her teeth, like 'arrrrrrgh!'" Once again, I have no idea what he's talking about. Lindsay and Janet look in the fridge and Lindsay tells Stephen they have a lot of "big pickles, bigger than yours!" like that's an appropriate thing to say to someone you've known for less than an hour. Or ever, really. David says, in a voice-over, that Lindsay and Janet "are going to be a trip. I could tell they were gonna be a team right away." Nathan opens the garage door in the wall, which leads directly out onto the pier. Rebecca points out the rock-climbing wall. Lindsay (once again) can't believe the house, and she and David start climbing the wall. Lindsey passes in front of David, who says he is "coming" and Lindsay replies, "Inside me, baby." Ew! Ew, ew ew! Janet calls out, "You and your sexual innuendo." ["Is it really 'innuendo' if it's completely explicit? I don't really think it is." -- Wing Chun] Nathan suddenly has a stocking cap on. Did it get cold in there? In a really bad edit, Stephen laughs and says, "That would be so cool," even though we have no idea why. Did someone say something, and he was responding to it? We'll never know.
A cab driver asks his passenger if she's ever seen the Space Needle. I have! That makes seven times in this episode alone. His passenger is named Irene, and she's got dark, super-curly hair and a whiny, nasal voice. She asks about the restaurant in the Space Needle, and says she heard it's fancy. She says she'll have to find "a boy to take [her] out there" and "work it in Seattle." Is that where they are? Because the seven sightings of the Space Needle didn't tell me that. The cab driver takes Irene to Pier 70, her new home. Janet walks out for a smoke, and sees Irene. David says, "This poor girl's not going to know what's going on," referring to the fact that they have all met and started to get acquainted. Remember what I said earlier about the producers planning everything? I think they planned for Irene to be the outsider from the start, and this is Exhibit A. Lindsay, Nathan and Stephen introduce themselves to Irene, who has entered the house. Stephen volunteers to show her around the house, because it's so great, in case you didn't get that earlier. In an interview, Irene says, "I arrived. I got this phat pad. I'm not even noticing the people because I've never had a house like this." Hey, do you think the house is amazing? Lindsay and Janet are standing outside, and Lindsay whispers to Janet that Irene is going to hate them, and they should get Rebecca to sleep with them in their room. I hate women like that. I hate people like that. I hate people who make snap judgments and try to cause dissension. ["But not me, right? Because right after that line, I made a snap judgment that Janet and Lindsay were nasty beeyatches, and having seen the whole season, I think I was right." -- Wing Chun] I bet the producers were loving it, though. Janet shushes her and giggles and Lindsay's all, "Why? Who cares?" Inside, Irene asks Stephen if they were waiting for her to pick rooms and Stephen says they were. Back outside, Lindsay tells Janet that she's kidding and that she's not that judgmental. She pauses a beat and says, "Yes, I am," and Janet says, "Who are you kidding?" and they giggle together. Are they in junior high? Stephen says that being in the bathroom feels like being outside, and Nathan says that whole house feels like being outside. Are they done talking about the stupid house yet, because it's getting kind of boring. Lindsay says something that sounds like, "I should just not deal with a great roommate" but I don't know what she's referring to, and I never do find out. Stephen thinks they should pick rooms and the plot thickens.
They all yell over one another in discussing who should get which rooms. Lindsay suggests that they all go look at the rooms one more time, and they do. Lindsay thinks the back room (which every other roommate has already confessed to wanting) looks like "a king and queen's room." Janet says they should take it. Lindsay points out that someone's stuff is already on the bed, but she doesn't care, and she picks it up and puts it on the floor. Janet's all "Take charge!" like clearly she is just going to be Lindsay's lapdog this season. She never actually does anything. She just waits until Lindsay does something and then cheers her on. As much as Lindsay annoys me, at least she has the balls to actually take action most of the time. David asks Rebecca if she wants the back room and Rebecca waffles. David offers to arm wrestle her for it, like that would be fair. Rebecca points out the unfairness of it. Lindsay says she and Janet will take the back room "if no one else wants it." David yells out, "Who's trying to dig on my room?" and says Lindsay and Janet are "so overpowering." David says they already took the room and they need to get out, and he pretends to throw Janet out. He laughs, as if he is joking around, but you know he's totally serious. Lindsay gets all passive-aggressive and says they will take the other room, and walks out. Stephen is worried about the closet space. Rebecca ends up getting the back room, which pleases me because she was the only person who wasn't an asshole about it.
Lindsay says they'll take the front room. In an interview, David says, "Girls have a funny way of making you say yes, like the waitresses at a strip joint will always make you buy a drink." Do you think David has issues with women? The action switches to everyone unpacking in their respective rooms. Lindsay and Janet share the front room. The three guys share another room. Rebecca asks if she and Irene are going to share a room, and apparently they are. Stephen and Nathan flip a coin to see who gets the "zebra bed." I don't see why that bed is better than the others in the room, but I'm not there. Nathan wins. Irene crawls on her bed and says it feels "like velvet." Nathan tells Stephen he doesn't want there to be "tension" over the bed issue, and Stephen says that's why they flipped a coin. Janet is unpacking, and says she wants to show everyone her "binky." She says she can't leave home without it. Irene lies on her bed, and says to Rebecca, "Lindsay, I'm hoping I'll get motivated watching you unpack." I guess Rebecca didn't notice Irene's slip-up.
Lindsay pulls out a fisherman's vest (you know, with a ton of pockets) and slips it on, and then singsongs, "Hey nerds! Look what I have and you don't have one!" I think Lindsay needs a lot of attention. And how does she know that no one else has one? Irene says to Rebecca, "Lindsay, talk to me. Tell me where you're from." Rebecca corrects her on the name thing this time and Irene apologizes. What was that about? Why did they show that? Oh yeah, because we're supposed to hate Irene, the outsider. Got it. Lindsay asks David if he is gay and David high-fives her for asking, but he's not. Nathan yells out that he's not gay, even though no one asked. Defensive, much? Stephen says he doesn't think anyone in the house is gay, and he would know. Oops, did I say that out loud? Stephen asks Rebecca if she's a lesbian. Rebecca asks if they are "taking inventory," and Stephen says he just wanted to find out "for some odd reason." Irene says in an interview that she doesn't think "questions of sexuality should be asked because there are things people want to share with you, or they don't." Ooh, foreshadowing. Although, on first viewing, I thought they were foreshadowing that Irene was a lesbian. David calls Nathan "Nate-dawg" for the first of many times this season. Rebecca asks about the nickname, and this is how Stephen finds out that those two have known each other for three and a half years. In an interview, Stephen says that he "had a problem that they knew each other," but doesn't explain why. Why? Why, Stephen, why? Nathan tells Stephen they don't seclude themselves. Stephen asks why they would think he would think that, and he's practically crying. What a weenie.
It's time for the eighth sighting of the Space Needle. Once that's over with, Janet asks Nathan about his girlfriend. Lindsay asks if she's really his girlfriend with "no WOO on the side" and she says "woo" as in "Woo hoo!" Nathan says he's faithful "for right now." Lindsay says he'll have lots of fun in the bathroom because she has to make everything about sex. Lindsay asks to see a picture of Stephanie, and as Nathan goes to get one, Lindsay and Janet pummel him with questions. In an interview, Janet says Nathan is "a really great guy" and that he has a "real sensitive part, even though he plays all rough and tough." Stephen and Janet look at pictures of Nathan and Stephanie and Janet says teasingly that they look "so happy and so in love." Nathan says Stephanie's coming to visit in six weeks, then asks if anyone cares if he jumps on the phone. So begins one of the recurring themes of the season: Nathan on the phone with Stephanie. He calls and she starts yelling at him that he should have called earlier because she was supposed to go out, but she waited for his call. Like, "Hello, how was your trip, do you like your roommates?" Nathan apologizes and says he misses her, because he is whipped.
Lindsay, Janet and Rebecca are sitting at the bar in the kitchen, talking about pregnancy. This seems like an awfully intimate topic to discuss with people you've just met. Janet says she doesn't know what she'd do if she got pregnant. Lindsay says it scares her because she'd be afraid of screwing up the kid, and she feels selfish because she has so many things she wants to do before having kids. Janet says it's more selfish to have the child when you're not prepared. David is across the room and totally eavesdropping on this conversation. He jumps in and says it boils down to "taking responsibility for your own actions" and reports that his mom was sixteen when she had him. He reminds me of Julie on Felicity, taking his own situation and applying it to the world at large. David says you can have a child and a career, and they shouldn't act like children are "a hindrance." Lindsay invites him actually to join them at the bar instead of yelling across the room, saying that he's a "big boy" and he can handle it. David comes over and says he want to get to know them. He asks Lindsay if she is a "drama freak." Lindsay admits that she is "when she wants to be" but that she does it "more as a joke" and she "doesn't cry very often." She asks David if he cries, and when was the last time he cried. David says dramatically that he cried last night, but will only reveal that it was "about something." Lindsay asks if it was about a girl, and David says he doesn't want to tell them. He intones, "When I let you know things, I'll let you know them." What is he, Yogi Berra? What kind of statement is that? He continues, "I do it nicely, and when I do let them out, you're like 'Wow, thank you for telling me that.'" David loves himself. A lot. Who thinks that people will actually thank them for talking about themselves? David says he isn't going to "show [his] aces the first time." Then we get the ninth Space Needle sighting of the season.
Nathan and David are outside looking at the water, and they say they feel "lucky" and "blessed." Nathan says it's an "insane town." Irene and Rebecca are talking in their bedroom, and Irene says she "worships Neil Diamond" and that she "wants Neil Diamond's chest hair before [she] dies." Rebecca laughs and Irene continues, "Butterfly collar and all, and Neil would love these velvet sheets, I know he would." Rebecca says that "cheesy and Neil Diamond are synonymous terms" to her. Irene disagrees. Rebecca says that Irene will say that she likes Julio Iglesias and Rebecca will have to move out because it will be too much. Irene says she's strictly a Neil girl. At least Irene has some personality and thoughts of her own, unlike, oh I don't know, Janet.
Stephen, Janet and Lindsay look at the massive library assembled in the house. In an interview, Stephen says that the best part of the house is the "huge library" because "if there's anything we all are at the house, we're all academians." My cats scatter out of the room as I fall off the couch laughing. Yeah, this season's job should have been at a think tank instead of a radio station because they are all so smart. In fact, Stephen is so smart that he can just make up words, because "academians" doesn't appear in any dictionary I checked. The producers agree with me, because the very shot is Janet pulling out Sex For Dummies. She reads a section about foreplay out loud. Lindsay and David are snuggling up together, and Lindsay tells David he has two different-colored eyes. I expect David to say, "Wow, thank you for telling me that," but I am disappointed. Janet reads from a section called, "Checking the Dipstick," and Lindsay asks, "Who has a dipstick?" Does she suspect that one of the guys does not? We see reaction shots of the guys looking shocked at Lindsay's language. Lindsay and David talk some more. Nathan says in an interview that his "main prediction is that David and Lindsay will have a romance." I'm glad Nathan pointed that out, because I wasn't getting the subtle hints the producers were tossing my way. On that note, the episode ends. Total Space Needle sightings season to date: 9.