Double decker buses. Early morning tree-lined streets. An exterior shot of Attention Deficit Disorder Manor. Inside, Mike and Jay are in their bedroom, shivering under the covers and discussing the fact that they have a week left in London. Yes, it's the obligatory goodbye episode. Traditionally, the goodbye episode has been the most boring episode of the other seasons. So what do you suppose happens on a goodbye episode when the season in question is exceptionally boring to begin with? If you said "lots of meaningless Sarah McLachlan-themed flashbacks," you'd be absolutely right.
"Do you think we'll ever talk to each other again?" asks Mike, who is all of a sudden sporting a huge earring. Yes, Mike, unlike the drunken fraternity brothers who'd cornhole you and then avoid you for the rest of the semester, Jay intends to talk to you again. It's not like he'll be too busy. In a confessional, Jay admits that it will be weird to get together with everyone seven months from now. Kat's got the speculation fever, too. She tells Jay during one of their chats that she thinks they'll all see each other a lot. "It's silly not to call," she says. At breakfast, Neil is eating something really really exotic and English: sausage and mashed potatoes. Mike grimaces; because you know, pork products and starch are totally foreign to most Americans. "People haven't really embraced English culture as much as they'd have liked," says Neil, shoveling more sausage into his mouth. Um, what does Neil mean by "embracing English culture"? Should the housemates be stalking members of Oasis? Shedding bitter tears at Diana's grave? ["Er, not in 1994 or '95, when they were filming this." -- Wing Chun] Watching really really bad television on the BBC? Doing Afghan heroin in an Oxford dorm? Oh, just think of what they've missed. Ah, but Neil breaks it down for us. "Mike still goes to McDonalds," he says. "But he uses words like 'wanker' and 'bollocks' -- a stop in the right direction." So the taint of a Happy Meal can be neutralized by using dated Britspeak? Thanks, Neil, for letting all of us in on the secret to what makes you so cool.
So now Neil can be seen in public with Mike. They go to a pub together for the first time. Funny, they're wearing the same clothes and sitting in the same pub that they sat in a few episodes ago when they were dissing Jacinda. On their way to the pub, Mike ruminates on the importance of "trying new things." Like draft beer? They order a couple of "pints" and Mike quizzes Neil on what really went down between him and Kat...you know, back when it seemed that something might actually happen during this God forsaken actionless season. Neil confesses that Kat brings out his "fatherly instincts." "Yeah, yeah!" says Mike. "Me, too! Kind of like Jay does to me!" And no, I didn't make that up. Neil goes on to admit to having sexual feelings for Kat that he never expected to have. I'm sure it is difficult to lust after an American, since a lot of us have the unfortunate habit of washing our genitals on a daily basis, which tends to remove that irresistible Stilton cheese smell. These feelings, according to Neil, made it hard to be her friend. Ah, so that's why Neil has no friends in the house. It's all that sexuality. I always thought it was the whole unwarranted arrogance thing, but I guess I was wrong. My bad. Mike asks Neil about Chrys. Yeah, for the forty-seventh time, what about Chrys? Neil claims that Chys knew about him and Kat. "Chrys knows about everything," says Neil, explaining that Chrys and he occasionally have a "love thing," but mostly they're best friends. Oh, and sorry, all you single ladies out there! Neil doesn't want to get married...at least, not yet.
This scene is punctuated by a shot of Neil screaming into a microphone while wearing makeup that seems to be left over from a Wellesley, Massachusetts community production of The Mikado. Neil delivers a voice-over expressing, one more time, how he'd really like to make money from his music but still not sell out, as more images from his dreadful concerts are shown. Back at the pub, Neil wonders how he could have enough money to sit around all day and "make noise." It's called the Welfare State, Neil. Look into it. So Mike relates this to his own personal quest to find a racing sponsor. "All I want to do is drive Indy," says Mike, longing to bag those pesky qualifying races. Great attitude, Mike. I think from now on, I'm only dating porn stars. Then Mike gives an interview where he speaks a little more, uh, realistically about the path to Indy, and how many other little races he needs to do win in order to qualify even for an "Indy Light." His hair? It's like a Long Island lawn sculpture.
Mike asks Neil which of the seven housemates will "make it." Neil -- whose own hair is sagging, making his head look like a wilted daisy -- points the corners of his mouth really really far down his chin as if to say, "Who knows?" But it's freaky. It's further down than you'd think a human being could even point the corners of his mouth. Seriously, it's a facial contortion not seen since the days of Red Skelton.
For some reason, the subject gets changed to Lars. "In ten years, Lars will be thirty-four years old," says Mike in an interview. "And he'll still be chasing the the the the beat heh heh." Some shots of Lars DJing and explaining how he will be in the music or club scene for the few years, either as a "DJ or a club promotor or a producer."
Then there's a shot of Jay doing his spastic Jay dance at a club, and the pub conversation turns to the subject of Jay. "What do you think of Jay?" says Mike. "He has got some talent," says Neil diplomatically. Then, I kid you not, we see Jay shown tapdancing with a private teacher. He does a whole tap routine with faggy musical theater spins and everything. "Jay will be doing something with acting and dancing," says Lars, guessing at Jay's future. Wait! Go back! When the hell did this happen? They just drop this tap thing on our laps nonchalantly like, "Oh yeah, Jay's always been into tap!" But I never saw Jay do tap before. Like I would have remembered tap, okay? And you know how I know I'd remember something like that? Because I'd remember laughing as hard as I'm laughing right now at Jay's "flat ball change." This is insane! I mean, we sat through Kat's fencing matches, and meanwhile Jay was tapping his ass off and we had no idea? Dude, we even had to watch Sharon sell tents! I wonder if Bunim-Murray deliberately hid the tapdancing from us until the end of the show because they knew that if Jay's tap lessons got given any airtime early on, it would have derailed the entire show. It would have been impossible to watch an episode of The Real World London without soiling your pants. Hell, it wouldn't even matter if Jay were actually tapping or he was even on screen; it would be impossible to watch The Real World London without laughing about Jay's tapdancing. Jay gives an interview in which he asserts his commitment to "entertain" no matter what.
The pub discussion drifts back to Jacinda, prompting a barrage of recycled shots of Jacinda in model mode. Mike talks in an interview about how "nice" it would be if Jacinda had a family and a white picket fence. Nice for whom? I don't envy those kids. We are then see shots from Jacinda's flying days. Jacinda comments on her own future in an interview, saying that she doesn't have any long-term goals. But at present, we the viewers have the luxury of knowing exactly what Jacinda's future holds: lots of failed American television series. ["We've covered one of them so far." -- Wing Chun]
Then Neil and Mike start talking about their relationship. Let me just break it down by having them come to the tacit realization that they hate each other because they're international mirror images of each other from either side of the Atlantic. Mike has stupid '80s hair. Neil has stupid '80s hair. Mike has a profitless hobby: racing. Neil has a profitless hobby: music. Mike loves being an American for all the wrong reasons. Neil loves being a Briton for all the wrong reasons. But -- I have to say -- Mike is the house idiot of record. But Neil is the true idiot; at least Mike knows he's an idiot.
B-roll of London at night. Kat, Sharon, and -- I think -- Hannah the Horrified go to a poetry reading. It turns out to be more of an old people talent show. Lots of local "color." So then Kat is forced to go on stage and perform and she totally does a Brenda Walsh from first season of where instead of actually reading a poem at a poetry reading, she "reads" a biographical essay about starting over in a new town, and all the crazy-looking poetry people are won over by this spunky girl. But then the essay becomes this monologue, and there's all this angsty shit about bonds between mother and daughter drying up and burning away. The hippies kneeling in the basement space go crazy with applause. Sharon adds an interview about how proud she was of Kat for going up there because Kat was "so nervous." You see, it's moments of "self-assurance" like those that Kat Ogden will take with her from her time abroad, according to Kat in a voice-over. She also loves the fact that she got to know London. Because there's a lot of history there. And because pubs are really fun. And there are lots of them.
Speaking of History, Mike has all of sudden developed an interest in London history. This involves going to touristy places and reading lots of plaques. These sightseeing outings make Mike feel more "at one" with the city. Jay loves London, too. Or so he claims in a voice-over. Jacinda claims in an interview that there's more to London than one can see on the surface. To prove this, Jacinda is shown talking to a couple of unattractive old British people on the street. Then they show a flashback of her tickling Neil's "bum."
Speaking of Neil, he's going to miss the house, according to an interview. While we watch an old clip of Neil showing Kat around Oxford (or some other English University, for all we know), Neil voice-overs that he's going back to school because he "misses the intellectual rigors of hard work and study." Yeah, like Mr. and Mrs. Forrester didn't threaten to pull the financial plug on his music career unless he was working toward a degree. Intellectual rigors, my ass! You just don't want to temp anymore, Neil. Lord, is this clip of Neil and Kat old. I can tell because -- ashamed as I am to admit I notice -- Kat was really thin when they first got to London.
The morning -- or least what they're pretending is the morning in this fake narrative -- is Kat's birthday. They play that Björk song, "It's Oh So Quiet" which should probably be the unofficial theme song of the London season of The Real World. According to the expository morning chatter courtesy of Jay and Mike, Kat will be twenty. Kat voice-overs that she thought she'd just have a low-key birthday, "but then things just started happening." I guess living in the Attention Deficit Manor for four and half months has skewed Kat's conception of what it means when something "happens," because the only thing that "happens" is that Neil buys her a joke-shop present. It's one of those slimy plastic hands that "creeps" down when you throw it up against a wall. It certainly keeps Sharon amused; she squeals like a pig in shit for hours. Then Lars, Jay, Mike, and Neil try to write a limerick. But the highlight of the day, according to Kat, comes when the boys come home from a shopping expedition with a present for Kat. It's one of those dresses that you always see being sold for $15 by aging hippies in the student center of a small liberal arts college, and everyone who buys one hopes that, if worn over an undershirt, the poor craftsmanship and cheap material will read on the street as disheveled hipster charm, but it rarely does. Kat loves her cheap dress. She literally cries tears of joy as she hugs the boys thank you and reads her limerick out loud. Wait until she gets back to the states and finds that Tori Spelling wears the same dress practically every week on the college episodes of . Jay explains that Kat was the only person in the house who had a birthday while they were there. Not that anyone watching didn't do some aging of their own, if you catch my drift. The gang, including Kat's stupid ambivalent new boyfriend, go off to the pub, and more voice-overs attest to how happy she was that day. Sharon leads the group in a toast, and someone who isn't Lou Reed sings a lousy cover of Perfect Day. Kat explains her future with her new ambivalent boyfriend -- there is no future. But they might stay in touch when she goes back to the USA. She thinks.
"Happy Sad" plays by Pizzicato Five as the gang get ready for the so called "Last Supper." Sharon has sent out invitations and everything -- as if she doesn't already live with her guests in the first place. Someone, I don't know who, forces the boys to dress up formally. Neil wears a tux, and Jay tries to pass with one of those waistcoat and t-shirt combinations that everyone wore to small-town gay bars in the early '90s. Hey, do you think Sharon will burn something so that she can scream helplessly and sleaze extra attention out of the situation? Ooops! There goes the garlic bread! Everyone finally sits down, and Lars gives a cryptic toast about "learning" things in the last five months. They all laugh knowingly and raise their glasses. Then someone locates a bottle of Ranch Dressing for Mike, and he pours it on his salad. "I'm glad to see you have something to squirt," says Neil as Sharon babbles on incoherently that her lasagna is the worst thing she's ever made. It starts to become apparent to the gang that the sets and props aren't needed anymore, so they start bending the silverware for a laugh as some song from the Clueless soundtrack plays. Then Jacinda announces in an interview that they didn't have any cutlery left, so they decided to eat dessert without their hands. What a laugh riot. Not. They all put their faces into their dessert dishes and eat their dessert. Meanwhile, Mike tries to make a funny by shoving everyone's faces further into their desserts. It becomes a mad scene. Or at least what passes for a mad scene in the London season of The Real World. Lars watches the food fight by himself from the fireplace. Neil takes off his shirt to reveal his stupid piercings yet again. Sharon gasps over the fact that she stained her sweater, and Jacinda almost ruins one of her "gowns." Apparently some poor MTV production assistant is going to clean up after the food fight, because no one seems concerned that Legend and the new cat are just chomping down on the scraps.
And now it's time for a little of the aforementioned Sarah McLachlan as the gang packs up and gets ready to say goodbye. Chrys makes a rare appearance, helping Neil to move out. Everyone else puts their things into boxes. Sharon does a little comedy by dropping a box full of fragile glass things. Lars asks Jeannette over the phone if she's "prepared" for something or other. She's not. Jay and Lars hug goodbye, and Jay rides away in a cab. Mike and Neil make smart remarks to each other about the "real" experiences they've been had together, and Mike tells Neil to have some McDonalds to remember him by. Jacinda photographs the fish tank. Neil says he'll miss "taking the piss" out of Mike. That plus the "squirt" comment lead to believe that something was going on between Neil and Mike that I really don't want to know about. Jay tells a cab driver about his experiences. The cab driver doesn't care. Jacinda, Kat, Sharon, and Legend get into a limo and drive to the airport. Kat is wearing another Tori Spelling ensemble -- her hat has a sunflower on it just like the one Donna Martin used to wear when she was the temporary DJ of West Beverly. "They were nice lads as lads go," says Sharon, obviously thinking she's a supporting player in a BBC adaptation of a Jane Austen novel. "We could have done a lot worse." Mike and Lars take their own cab and commiserate that they're going to miss the house. Jacinda checks Legend in at the airport. The three girls tearfully hug goodbye at the gate, and then Kat and Jacinda catch their plane. Kat explains in a confessional that she didn't have long to say goodbye, but "maybe goodbyes shouldn't be very long." We see flashbacks of the gang having good times together while Kat voice-overs some meaningless drivel about never really saying goodbye to the people you care about. Lars and Sharon sing. Jay does his play. Neil sticks his mutilated tongue out for a doctor. Jacinda flies. Legend poops in the house. The entire gang watches Mike race. Yet again, we see that shot of Lars from the first episode, when he toasts the gang and hopes they'll all be "friends forever." A double decker bus cruises forlornly past a darkened Attention Deficit Manor...and I'll bet you anything that the MTV production assistants are still cleaning it up.