No exterior b-roll: just a shot of Kat looking through a giant hardcover book full of photographs on Africa -- or in this case, Kenya. It's one of those National Geographic published volumes on "far-off lands" that you always see at Barnes & Noble in the remainder bin with some bewitchingly beautiful Panamanian peasant girl on the cover who has bright blue eyes and just the most adorable smudge of toxic sludge on her left cheek while a volcano explodes in the distance killing her two sisters -- the only family she has left in all the world. That's right. Bunim-Murray needs some footage to fill up the last two episodes, so they're sending the housemates to Africa. And isn't it just so Real World to have Kat preparing for her journey not by thumbing through a Lonely Planet Guide to Africa like any other person in her twenties who wants to go to Africa on a budget, but instead to look through a coffee table book? "Going on safari in Kenya is one of my personal dreams," says Sharon in a voice-over on top of a shot of Lars and Sharon sitting on the couch. Lars is eating a sandwich with his mouth open and Sharon is sticking out her tongue, which is covered with bread crumbs, while she puts her hand to her neck as if performing the universal signal for choking. Seriously, it looks like Sharon and Lars are having a ham-sandwich-eating contest in honor of the memory of Mama Cass. How does this relate to Sharon's desire to visit Mother Africa? I have no friggin' clue. In an interview, Neil indicates that he's not looking forward to Africa because it means Kat and Sharon "squealing every thirty seconds as they see another fluffy bunny." Okay, I want to snark so bad on Neil right now and say, "There aren't any fluffy bunnies in Africa, tool!" but I just know that as soon as I say that, I'm going to get all these emails from all these ethno-biologists who tell me about this huge indigenous fluffy-bunny population in Kenya that anyone would know about if they bothered going to their science classes in high school. So you're safe for now, Neil, but on the hour of my choosing, I will bring justice to you or you to justice! The gang tosses around a stuffed lion. Meanwhile, Jay is singing along to one of the songs Elton John wrote for The Lion King. All Jay needs now is a gym membership, a cock-ring, and a job as a cater waiter. Girlfriend is out there!
When I went to the third world for a visit -- in my case, Peru -- I did not read Condé Nast Traveller about Macchu Pichu and play with stuffed Llamas. Instead I bargain-shopped for yellow-fever shots -- they can run as high as $90 per cycle -- and read up on how to avoid altitude sickness and the various gastrointestinal disorders I could catch from Peruvian food and water. Sensible people like me travel to the third world differently in the real Real World. Oh, and did you know that there are "no gay people" in Peru, according to their government? No wonder Peruvian high schools have such lousy French departments. Sorry to keep bringing up Peru here, but it's the only "far-off land" I've ever been to besides Las Vegas and therefore, it's the only thing I can bring to this discussion because I don't know anything about Africa. I've never been there, and when I took African Studies classes in college, we mostly just read the plays of Lorraine Hansberry. Did you know she's the true creator of Good Times? Norman Lear did a Chuck Berry on her ass. But that's a whole other story. The twentieth century is slipping away from our culture's memory, so maybe it's not worth mentioning. It's October of the year 2001 and I don't really know how to recap a reality show from 1995 anymore. So much changed during the last month. The '90s -- especially the mid-'90s -- seem so far off. I might as well be snarking on the characters in a Thomas Hardy novel. Nevertheless, I am suitably appalled at the montage sequence that shows the gang preparing for their trip by shopping for sunglasses, v-neck sweaters, and funky colored Doc Martens -- typical safari gear, I guess. Neil has purchased a jaunty hat that's a little more fedora than the African bush seems to require. Yes, Neil, Antonio Fargas from Starsky and Hutch has African blood, but I don't think his ancestors were dressing like Huggy Bear before they came Stateside. Seriously, he looks like a chorus girl from Chicago. In an interview, Neil indicates that underneath all the cynicism, he is somewhat excited to be going to Africa. "It will be quite a change from Central London," he says. Ya think?
Finally the housemates get their shots. I just read in Talk about this doctor who believes that lethal injections used as capital punishment in the U.S. is actually a form of torture. Apparently, one of the drugs mixed in with the rest of the poison causes total paralysis, so that the prisoner looks at peace when in fact he or she is fully conscious but muscularly unable to react visibly to the slow painful death taking place. "Fortunately," the Attention Deficit gang are perfectly capable of reacting to their injections. Especially Sharon. Lars makes it worse for Sharon by going ahead of her for his shot and doing some fake screaming for her to hear in the waiting room. Sharon falls for it. Her utter sincerity when Lars emerges from the doctor's office inspires him to exagerate the cruelty of the injection for her benefit. He makes a hard series of jabbing motions with an imaginary syringe to indicate how hard the doctor stuck it in. Needless to say, it's pretty amusing to see Sharon react when her turn is called. But she bravely walks in and takes her shot. The relative painlessness of the injection surprises her, but back at Attention Deficit Manor, it becomes apparent she still doesn't get that Lars faked the screams just to fuck with her. Kat breaks it to her, and Sharon is pissed. "I take the piss out of her every day," says Lars. "And every day she believes me." I hear Sharon's favorite card game is 52 Pick-Up.
Finally, one morning, it's time to leave. Jacinda wakes Kat by jumping on her bed. Neil puts on his fedora. Mike leaves a new outgoing message on the house answering machine informing potential thieves that they're in Africa. High-energy dance music is played while the gang gets dressed, packed, and loaded into their own private mini-van. At the airport, Jacinda looks out the window at a Kenya Airlines plane parked on the tarmac. I guess she's forgotten about that whole glass-being-a-solid thing because she keeps trying to reach through the window and touch the plane. The plane takes off and lands in Nairobi where, according to Jay's voice-over, they have to transfer to a smaller plane to take them to "the middle of nowhere." The gang eagerly takes pictures out the plane window of...well, grass. That's all anyone can really see. But it's African grass. So it's picture-worthy. They finally land, and Jay reiterates that they are indeed in "the middle of nowhere." "You couldn't see no radio tower, no luggage carousel," he says in an interview. "There was nothing." "Nothing" as in no ranch dressing for Mike? You are shitting me!
When the housemates step off the plane, they are greeted by their guide, Nick Wood. Nick Wood is a slighly crusty thirtyish white British dude but his "absolute right-hand man," Dixon Nutura, is Masai. Jay describes Nick as this "Indiana Jones type." I imagine that one day Jay will place a personal ad in The Advocate asking for an "Indiana Jones type." The gang is forced to stand in the cargo hold of a big truck as they drive to the camp. It's like they're chain-gang prisoners or something. On their way, they see gazelles and real live Masai people with their crazy moon-man costumes and everything. They even carry spears! Nick Wood stops the truck and speaks to the Masai in their native tongue. Meanwhile, Mike nods politely while secretly thinking either, "Oh my God, are they going to attack the truck 'cause we're white?" or "Damn, how did they get those rings through their noses?" When the truck is in motion again and the Masai natives are safely out of earshot, the gang laughs about the strange encounter. They enter "Sekanani Camp," their base of operations. In an interview, Sharon says that she and everyone else felt to fortunate to be there. There is a rope bridge and capuchin monkeys are running around everywhere. Kat and Jacinda play with what seems to be a baby leopard. Whatever it is, it's damn cute. Back at their cabin or tree house or whatever, Lars is experiencing culture shock. Neil admits that it's "not what [he] was expecting." If this were a movie and not a cinema vérité-style documentary, the line "Africa is not what I expected" would be foreshadowing for some really exciting event like the arrival of a mystery lady, rioting by Masai rebels, or even the violent deaths of all the housemates by Rhino attack. But since it's The Real World London, Neil's expectations were probably shattered by the paltry selection of complimentary grooming products in their guest rooms.
After a commercial break, the housemates are driven around in their chain-gang Jeep some more as the sun goes down on the African plains. Nick leads them on a hike to some hill to watch the sun go down. "We didn't even know where we were going," says Kat in a bubbly voice-over. Were you expecting to be familiar with the African plains already, Kat? When they reach the top, there are two Masai warriors in full Bush drag -- tribal makeup, jewelry, beaded hairstyles -- standing in front of a fire and singing a song complete with those tongue-click noises. Yes, if I weren't so lazy, I'd go look for the proper names for Masai costume, jewelry, headpieces, and language. Maybe someone will correct me in the forums. One by one, the gang says how amazing it was to see a real live Masai warrior. Oh, please! As if any of the Attention Deficit gang ever heard of a Masai warrior before they got in that Jeep! I mean, neither have I, but at least I'm not pretending that seeing a Masai warrior is some unrealized ambition of mine. Neil says something about the honor of meeting someone who "walks the walk instead of just talking the talk." Like Neil would know from "talking the talk"? So the gang pitch a tent and sit around drinking wine and talking with the Masai warriors. They don't show what any of the Masai warriors have to say to the Attention Deficit gang. But boy do we hear all about how neat it is for the Attention Deficit gang to talk to these people. In fact, the gang talks about them as if they're not even there. Nick says that the Masai "way of life" is ending. You'd think they were talking about Pandas being brought to the San Diego Zoo. "There is no function for a Masai warrior," says Nick. "You seem to deeply sympathize with these people," says Lars to Nick. "But on the other side, your camp and all these other camps being here contributes to their destruction." Oh, thanks for the heads-up, DJ. Nick points out that Lars is absolutely right, but the issue is tricky. Yeah. What's tricky is that since there's no need for these people whose traditions were formed before most of the technology we have today was created, there's no way for these people to survive economically unless do-goody anthropologists like Nick artificially keep their culture alive just so that tourists can come from miles around and examine them. In the U.S. or England, when people refuse to acknowledge present-day culture and behave as though they're still living in the past, they're known as religious freaks, the mentally ill, or employees of Sturbridge Village. In Africa, they're considered conversation pieces. Whatever. In an interview, Neil admits to being particularly sad about the inevitable disappearance of this tribe. Yes, Neil, judging by your early '80s hairstyle, it doesn't surprise me that you'd be a champion of anachronistic cultures. "Right now," says Neil to those gathered at the fireside, "I can either decide to carry on being a nomadic tribesman or go and get a Sony Walkman. Chances are they're going to go for the Sony Walkman and everything about the nomadic lifestyle is being lost." Right, Neil -- nomadic culture was wiped out by the Sony Walkman. If those nomadic warriors still only had access to transistor radios or LP turntables, we'd all still be hunting lions with spears. Neil and Jacinda have a heated discussion about this at dinner, in the course of which Jacinda pronouces Neil "naïve." Later, the Masai warriors chant. The gang watches them do this for a while, and then they head off to bed.
The morning, the gang is served breakfast in bed by the staff. I can't tell you the last time someone served me breakfast in bed who wasn't (a) my mother when I was eight years old and sick; (b) a registered nurse; or (c) someone to whom I gave sexual favors the night before. Nevertheless, the gang is indignant that their tents are being unzipped and the morning light is hurting their eyes. Jacinda complains that it's cold. After they have their coffee, their tune changes. Kat finds that cute wild cat again and starts playing with it. Mike comments on how beautiful the scenery is, and everybody gets into the chain-gang Jeep to drive around some more. In an interview, Jay informs us that we're going to visit a village where Dixon -- Nick's right-hand man -- is from. "We get to see how his people live," says Jay. Again, why is it that when you go to, say, France, you go "sightseeing" or "shopping," but when you go to a country like Africa, you "see how the people live." I don't know about y'all, but I wouldn't be too thrilled if some African tourists plunked themselves down in my one-bedroom apartment and observed me recycling newspapers and applying underarm deodorant because they wanted to see how the "people of New York City live." We have museums, thank you very much. Dixon explains how to greet Masai people properly -- something about touching the head of someone who bows to you -- but when they get to the village, all we see are handshakes. Hey, look at Jacinda and Kat looking all J. Crew and pretty standing to some hut-dwelling African children. Vogue editorials are made for moments like this. Sharon crawls through an abandoned hut, and Jay gets the 411 from one of the townspeople about wild animal attacks that take out their livestock. Dixon tells them that there's a wedding taking place that day, and urges the gang to stay and watch. Does anyone consult with the bride and groom to ask them how they feel about the fact that their wedding is being hijacked by some self-centered foreigners whose every move is being documented by camera crews? So there's lots of exotic ritual on display like the wearing of flashy headdresses and mutual spitting into a hole in the ground. I almost wonder if it's just some practical joke they play on American or English tourists. "Dude? This time, let's spit into a hole! Let's see what the anthropologists write about that." So the wedding begins. First, there's the ritual of "teasing" the bride. The bride wears this crazy headdress that looks like it's made of Christmas tinsel and walks through the streets weeping as the single women scream at her to "get out, you don't belong here anymore." So the woman walks off the with best man to another village; no one will see this women for five years. Nick explains to Sharon that the mother is in her hut in seclusion, crying over the loss of her daughter. Mike observes, with a refreshing astuteness, that he feels stupid observing the wedding of some strangers. "I feel like I'm completely invading her," says Mike, regarding the bride. Jay argues that the villagers enjoy sharing the experience. Mike insists that it's a "freak show." Jacinda, in a voice-over, points out that Mike felt uncomfortable about staring at the villagers like they were on display, but defends her right to stare by pointing out that they look just as freaky to the villagers as they look to them. Nevertheless, Mike walks off to be by himself.
After a commercial break, it appears that Ranger Nick has taken it upon himself to tell Mike to get over himself. Mike admits that this all is a great learning experience. Ranger Nick coerces Mike to go have some of the village "brew" before he offends the villagers. Over by the "brew" center -- which consists of a cow skin everyone has to sit on -- Neil makes the observation to Lars that "it's not the local pub, is it?" And then there's more comedy, because the village brew tastes funny. The gang forces themselves to drink it anyway while the villagers laugh at them. Wouldn't it be awesome if the "brew" was, in fact, the villagers' urine? Then Neil shows the village his nipple piercing, and the fun really begins. Sharon and Kat hug some Masai children, and it's time to go. Back at the camp, Jacinda pronounces the experience "raw," and says that in all her world travels, she's never been to a place like this before.
The gang drives around some more in their chain-gang Jeep while car-commercial anthem-y music plays. Judging by a Jeeves joke Neil makes, I take it they're out looking for lions. Hey, guess how long it takes for someone to make a funny by calling "here kitty kitty" to the first lion they see? If you answered "two microseconds," you've won a free trip to Cancun. Sharon thinks they're beautiful, and even I have to agree with her. Lions are pretty cool. Jacinda says something about how amazing it is to see such a powerful creature in its natural habitat. Not since you blew Donald Trump in the men's room of the Playboy Mansion, right? Other wildlife is observed -- giraffes, gazelles, elephants, a rhinoceros, etc. The gang whips out cameras and takes pictures. Mike pronounces the experience "amazing" and gets into the spirit of Africa by placing a t-shirt over his head and under a baseball cap so he's almost got this sheik headdress thing going on.
It's time to take some major hike to set up camp somewhere on some hill or something. I'm really not paying attention. Anyway, for some reason a couple of Masai warriors have to escort them in order to "protect" them. Apparently, they're walking through some tall grass, and could come dangerously close to a wild animal without realizing it. Oh -- I knew there was a reason I might like this episode. Kat comments in a voice-over that she's intimidated by the Masai warriors, and thinks they're "dangerous." You think they're dangerous? Trust me, Kat, as long as they don't have MTV and, subsequently, the ability to tune into the most boring season of The Real World ever, your life is safe for now. The housemates hike. Some Masai warriors braid Jacinda's hair. The Masai warriors grunt, chant, and walk hand-in-hand with their new foreign friends. It's a Benetton ad. They reach the top of the hill, which Sharon informs us is the highest hill in all of Mara, and set up camp. Nick sends everyone off to go gather firewood. They pitch tents; the Masai warriors build a fire, and someone cooks something that looks a lot like paella. Some African guy in western dress appears out of nowhere, walking a goat on a leash. It's sorta cute. Unfortunately, the goat is wrestled to the ground; Sharon explains in an interview that it was slaughtered right in front of them. The gang looks uncomfortable, except Jacinda, who calls Kat in from gathering firewood to check out the goat slaughter. Sharon walks away and, in an interview, explains that since she's a vegetarian, she's uncomfortable with the killing of the goat. Yes, I understand that the killing of live animals can be disturbing, Sharon, but since there aren't a lot of health-food stores in the grasslands of Africa selling marinated Tempeh salad, you might want to let it go. Jay explains in an interview that it's "against Sharon's religion" for her to be a part of the slaughter; Sharon explains in another interview that an animal's life is no less valuable than her own. Yeah? Well what about the thousands of humans you bored to death in 1995? Did you value their lives? "Murder offends me," says Sharon and the words, "to be continued..." flash on the screen as Sharon is shown sitting by herself in some tall grass. Okay, could someone please explain why it's necessary to inform us that this episode will "be continued"? I mean, the series is supposed to be a complete narrative, right? Why the two-parter? Did something that suspenseful just happen? Is Sharon going to rescue the goat? Will Buffy's high school get eaten by the Mayor? Will that Tarantula crawl out of Peter's bag and bite Greg in his sleep?