I have no idea what is up with this episode. It's shot differently than the others -- on film instead of video -- and it's in letterbox format. Furthermore, it seems even more pointless than usual. You know how you gain possession of a video camera and you videotape your friends acting stupid and self-conscious in front of the camera and because you know your friends, the video is really amusing to you, and only you? That's what this episode is like: a home video shot by someone you don't know featuring people you don't know that's only amusing to the people involved.
We begin with Kat explaining that she's been living with six strangers for the past two and a half months. Uh, we knew that. Then she keeps on going as if she's on live television, and just needs to fill time until a commercial, by babbling on that she never knew her housemates before, and that their existence wouldn't have affected her unless she'd met them. Well, I'd just like to interrupt and say that the existence of my liver has been affected by each and everyone of these housemates, and I truly never met them. I think they also brought some professional makeup people in to do something to Kat, because her skin looks radiant. But that could just be the effect of film vs. video. Video can make your skin look pretty crappy.
It's dinner at Attention Deficit Manor, and a color tracking shot reveals each of the housemates as they try to think of intelligent things to say in front of the good camera. "Does anyone know any funny stories?" says Mike. Everyone says no. "Did anything embarrassing happen to anyone?" asks Sharon. Neil fields this one. "I was lying on an operating table in the emergency room at 1:00 in the morning," says Neil. "I was shouting, 'please please tell me my favorite organ is okay.'" I know I can't exactly claim a shout-out here, because these are reruns, but I called Neil's favorite organ back around the time of episode 3. But Neil is referring to his tongue, and not his brain. No, wait. He's telling another story. Apparently, he was so horny one night when he was seventeen that he burst a blood vessel in his penis. He had to go to the hospital, and they called his mother and everything. Thanks for sharing, Neil.
Now Sharon is doing a confessional. Or rather, she's trying to do a confessional, but Lars is distracting her. Finally, Lars enters the room and lights a cigarette. But Sharon can't have cigarette smoke around her -- since she's a singer and all -- so she banishes him from her confessional. Not that she confesses anything anyway.
Now we're on a bus with Jacinda and Kat. Kat is wearing one of her trademark "newsies"-style caps and talking about how ugly she thought was when she was thirteen. But she's got nothing on Jacinda. Jacinda pets Legend while she claims to have been told that she was "voted the ugliest girl in the sixth grade." This was hard on Jacinda's self-esteem. Have you ever noticed that every single model claims to have been ugly when she was younger? Is there a single model out there who will admit being cute as a kid? Kat groans in sympathy. They let unleashed dogs ride London buses?
Now it's Jay's turn to confess. He watches too much TV. His favorite show is Quantum Leap, because sometimes he feels just like Scott Bakula at the beginning of each show when he inhabits yet another strange body.
Exterior shot of Attention Deficit Manor. Generic funk intro plays. I think it's James Brown. Neil is cooking bacon in the kitchen while Lars, Mike, and Kat watch. Mike thinks it would be funny to put Legend in the frying pan. Hey remember all those dog-in-the-microwave jokes from the late '70s/early '80s? How fitting is it that Mike would make a retro version of the joke using a less technologically advanced cooking method? Hey, did you hear that rumor about Rod Stewart collapsing at a concert? When they pumped his stomach, out came four gallons of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing. Lars tells Neil that Legend pooped in his room again. Kat laughs hysterically. Neil picks up Legend and takes him upstairs to his room to "teach him a lesson." For some reason Sharon, of all people, finds out what he's about to do and runs to Neil's room to protect Legend. Uh, Sharon? Since you are so outspoken on your aversion to Legend poop, I think you might want to encourage the housetraining of Legend. Yes, rubbing your dog's nose in his own excrement isn't the best way to housetrain a dog, but if you don't catch him in the act and train him then, it's the best alternative. Then there's more insanity as Kat takes Sharon's side, arguing that Legend is "only a little dog!" I can't believe I'm even watching this. You'd think the ASPCA could turn their attention away from Alice Cooper concerts for a few seconds and focus on the fact that a dog is being raised really really badly on television for all the world to see. Mike, the rare voice of reason, declares that Jacinda should walk Legend a few times a day. Close-up of Legend. He really is cute!
Jacinda confesses to being a mass of contradictions. "I can be such a strong woman at times, and yet at other times I can be such a huge kid." But Jacinda is proud of her extreme behavior. "I wouldn't want to be too balanced!" Don't worry, hon!
London. The Thames River. Van Morrison grunts something melodic, earthy and ale-soaked. Kat, Jacinda, and Sharon walk around being crazy girls: popping food into each other's mouths, passing around a bottle of wine in the middle of the afternoon, and laughing at Beefeater guards. It starts to rain. For some supernatural reason, the rain seems to be hitting Sharon harder than the other girls because even though she's the only one with an umbrella, she shrieks the loudest about getting wet while Kat and Jacinda just deal. Somehow, Sharon gets stuck holding Legend, and she thinks he's just peed on her. I'm sure lots of people have mistaken Sharon for a fire hydrant. Kat and Jacinda start walking really far ahead of Sharon because she's being annoying. I told you all a long time ago not to let Sharon get used to being without her ball gag. But does anyone listen to me?
In a new confessional, Jacinda holds Legend to the camera and pretends Legend is saying "we'll be back in a moment" as an introduction to a commercial. Aww! Now walk that dog, already!
Interior shots of Attention Deficit Manor: the living room, the pool table, the stairway. Mike confesses. "Life is a constant quest to find out who you are," says Mike. "Who is Mike Johnson?" I hit the fast-forward button, because even though the Taliban has lost control of Afghanistan and stopped burning the opium fields, there still isn't enough heroin in the world to prepare me for a soul-searching monologue by Mike.
Okay, maybe a reader who actually lives in London can educate us in the forums about this scene. It takes place in a London public park that's famous for having these public street debates. I think I saw a documentary about this place when I was thirteen, but the details are hazy. Anyway, there are all these hordes of unphotogenic people here arguing over things both frivolous and important. It reminds me of that Monty Python sketch about the guy who pays for an argument but walks into the wrong room and gets an insult. Some religious freak approaches Jacinda and berates her for holding a copy of the Koran. "It's not the word of God," says the freak. "It's the false word of fallen man." A Muslim religious freak defends her and everyone starts arguing. "It never says in the Bible that you're supposed to walk up to people in the street and accuse them of being demons," says Jacinda. Does it say anything in the Bible about going on a reality TV show and boring people to death with your self-centered lethargic behavior? It should. And by the way, before you all start posting in the forums or filling my in-box with emails taking offense to the term "religious freak," let me clarify that by "religious freak" I am referring to anyone from any religion who would walk up to a stranger on the street and start criticizing her religion or lack thereof. Otherwise, both Christians and Muslims are fine by me.
Attention Deficit Manor. Enya on the soundtrack. Sharon is teaching everyone to meditate. Yeah, it's so important that this gang get even moreself-reflective and inactive. Measured breathing exercises? Now that's the basis of great television moments! And how perfectly ironic is it that Sharon is the one preaching silent consciousness to the house? If I had to pick someone in the house who's comfortable enough in her own skin to sit with herself quietly for a few minutes, Sharon wouldn't even outlast Legend or the new cat. Hell, the pool table has more patience and focus than Sharon. Nevertheless she picks on Jay's posture and gets frustrated that everyone is laughing at her.
London at night. Parties in the streets. Police cars driving. "There's a stink out there in the city tonight," says Neil in a confessional. "The stink of too many people, the smell of diesel, carbon dioxide, chip fat, people in suits spending their money to get their kicks in time for work tomorrow..." Thanks, Neil, but having attended an American public junior high school several years ago, I'm already familiar with the works of Sylvia Plath. Watch some TV or something. Better yet, get a job!
Attention Deficit Manor. Sharon puts on makeup while Mike pees and taunts her with the knowledge that his "penis is hanging out" while he talks to her. "I can't believe you're going to loo while I'm doing my eyebrows," says Sharon. I can't believe Mike has a penis big enough to "hang out." You'd think he'd have to pee sitting down like a girl. Nevertheless, Sharon finds this all terribly exciting.
"Don't you ever have that feeling like you just want to escape?" asks Jacinda in a confessional. As the recapper of RW London, I'd have to say yes. "Just thought I'd check," she says, exiting.
London streets. Pigeons. Neil and his band are playing on a street corner. I've never seen a free street concert before where people were asking for their money back.
Sharon gives a confessional while Kat and Lars pretend to have sex on the floor. This is supposed to be scandalous and oh-so-funny. Too bad it's neither.
"It would be so easy to get any of the guys in this house," says Jacinda in a confessional. Except Jay, right? To prove her point, Jacinda climbs on Mike's back while he's rollerblading. When they reach the edge of the sidewalk, they both fall to the ground. Unfortunately, no one is hurt.
Neil holds up a sign in a confessional. I guess his tongue still isn't operational. "I just came home to find Mike and Jay watching Bevis [sic] and Butthead," says the sign. "There's some irony in there somewhere." Not that there isn't any irony in Neil's distain for the mindlessness of Beavis and Butthead considering the TV show in which Neil is currently participating.
Train station. Lars and Mike sniff their pits and discuss deodorant. Mike, for you curious ladies out there, wears either Drakkar Noir or Right Guard. Lars is wearing Obsession for Men. Now we can all sleep at night.
Confessional. Kat tells a story about how her father burned their couch on the front lawn because it was "[bleep]ing ugly."
Attention Deficit Manor. The dining room. Neil thinks that Reagan was "stupid," but Bush was "evil." Furthermore, all Republicans, according to Neil, are "evil." Kat defends Bush, so Neil corrects that pretty little head of hers. Kat, don't disagree with Neil. He's in an unsigned punk band and therefore knows everything. As an example of left wing superiority, Neil cites the fact that Sharon was recently sick, and a state-funded doctor came to the house and saved her life. That was a good thing?
Lars does a confessional while Kat and Jay try to distract him. Jay and Lars try to cook something out of cans in the kitchen one late night. Jay likes the food, but there's an eyelash on his plate. Lars corrects him. It's a "noselash." They laugh. Lars is so fucked up right now, it's not even funny. They go to bed.