Mike takes the train to the British countryside, to a place called "Minister International." They don't really explain what Minister International is, but it seems to be a place that will "help Michael race cars." And that's all we the viewers really need to know or care about Minister International. On his way there he informs us -- the viewers -- by way of a voice-over that it's always been his dream to race cars in England because England has the best drivers. Do the best drivers in the world want to race with Michael?
Graham Fuller is the "big dog" of Minister International, explains Michael. Um, Michael? By "big dog," are you giving us the MTV-speak for "CEO"? Or by "big dog" do you mean some really annoying guy who licks you on the face when you enter the room and humps your leg when you sit down? Graham Fuller turns out to be a different "big dog" altogether -- the kind that eats whatever scraps you feed him without question. This is because Graham is going to let Michael become a part of Minister International as long as he can come up with a huge hunk of money. Yes, that's right. This episode isn't going to be about Michael racing or competing. For the half hour, we're going to see Michael try to come up with a quarter-of-a-million dollars. Or rather, for the half hour, we're going to see Michael lie around while he occasionally calls a friend of his who is supposed to raise a quarter-of-a-million dollars. But in case you were feeling deprived of some good, old-fashioned Days of Thunder-type action, there is some footage of Graham Fuller giving Michael a tour of the garage where Michael, in his ironed rugby shirt and baseball cap, sits in cars that are up on blocks and talks about how fast each car goes. Oh, and then Graham -- in a scene that's supposed to be the British-racecar-driver version of Debbie Allen's speech during the opening credits of Fame -- gives Michael a speech about being motivated and not "being on holiday." "We expect our drivers to work!" Oooh, the tension is just building. Okay, now the tension subsides because that was about the most exciting thing that happens to Michael in this entire episode, and from here on in, it's just pathetic.
Graham "interviews" Michael to see if he's worthy to race for Minister International. Michael tells Graham that he placed seventh and third in a race. What race? National? Regional? I mean couldn't you conceivably be telling Graham that you were just racing your friends home from the 7-11? Graham welcomes him aboard because that's just the way things work on The Real World.
Michael goes home and tells the gang about how great Minister International is and how many champions came out of Minister International. What is Minister International? Is it a garage? Is it a team of coaches? Is anyone ever going to explain? The gang feigns interest while they reflect on how positively nasty Michael's hair is when he's not wearing a baseball cap. It's starting to get longer and it poufs out like Doris Day's hair did in Move Over, Darling.
In a sit-down, Michael tells us that he wants to give this place his full commitment and to really "go for it." And I guess this is as good a time as any to warn you that we have about seventeen more "go for it" type speeches coming our way from both Kat and Mike before the episode ends, so you might want to fix yourself a nice stiff drink about now. Later, when Michael talks to his father, his father is a wet blanket. Michael explains that his father has been putting together a racing team for the past seven years and wanted Michael to be a part of it. He didn't want Michael to go to England. Oh, I get it. So this is like The Patriot, only it's with racing cars and an unattractive father and son. Apparently, Michael's father made him feel guilty for leaving the U.S. and told him that he wasn't going to help him race cars in England. We witness a phone conversation between Michael and his father, in which Michael's father accuses Michael of putting an expensive dent in one of the racing cars. And he just noticed it now?
Can I just say a word to Mike's father? Duke? Do you realize that, while you may have reasons to stick it to your son, you are being seen on TVs all over the country, and people are thinking "asshole" every time you are mentioned? We know you're mad that your son isn't taking advantage of your racing team, but couldn't you just pretend to be a neat parent for the cameras?
Kat is homesick so she calls her mother. Okay, so now we witness parent-child interactions between these two. Her mother sounds like she can't be bothered right now and tells her to get off her ass and buy stamps so she can write letters. What? Kat then explains in a sit-down that her mother "has good instincts about [her]" because she can tell when Kat is in a bad mood or in a funk about something. Yeah, I think she figures it out because you call her five times a day and tell her what a funk you're in. Kat's mother gets on her case about finding a fencing school to train at because Kat's sole purpose for being on The Real World is to fence. Actually, Kat's sole purpose for being on The Real World was to hook up with Neil, but since she's not really doing that, I guess we're going to have to watch her fence for the rest of the half hour. I think that, to racing cars, fencing is the most boring sport ever. Good Lord, this is going to be a long episode. The only positive thing I can say here is, thank god none of these kids is a professional golfer.
So Kat finds a fencing school, and the fencing equivalent of Graham Fuller is there, asking how well she fences. Kat gives some vague answer -- "I had a really good season last year" -- and he concludes for some reason that she's Junior Olympics material. Okay, so I guess the thing we're going to see is Jacinda landing on the cover of British Vogue because she told the editors that she "is pretty." Gosh, I never realized how easy life could be.
Kat explains to the gang that she's going to the Junior Olympics in San Jose, and they all feign interest like they did with Michael (although they're probably thinking nicer thoughts about her hair). "I want to fence well," says Kat in a sit-down. "And that's why I'm trying to pull it together here," she says, pointing to her head. And then, in case we don't understand what the head-point means, she adds, "Mentally." Thanks, Kat. I thought you were talking about needing to put your hair back in a ponytail.
Kat talks to her mother some more. She sounds so needy, she's holding the phone like it's her very own crack-pipe. Her mother sounds like she really wants to get the fuck off the phone with her whiny daughter. "I don't feel confident anymore," says Kat in a voice-over, as she sits forlornly on the steps of the house. "And it's really hard. It's like I'm trying to re-establish what I am to myself." Thank god you've got great hair, Kat, because you are one boring girl.
Mike is laying on his bed reading what appears to be Hello magazine. Jay comes in and asks him when his Minister's meeting is. Now I have forgotten momentarily that the name of the racing place where Mike is going to is "Minister," and I'm thinking, "Oh good, Mike is finally seeking spiritual help." No dice. Mike tells Jay that his meeting will be "when the money's all set." Bye Jay, it was nice seeing you for a few seconds.
"Racing is just so expensive," says Mike in a sit-down. Mike goes on to explain that he, like every other professional driver, needs a corporate sponsor -- someone to pay him to put their logo on his car for advertising purposes. So the thing we see is a montage sequence of Mike making cold calls all day, trying to get a sponsor. Oh wait, what was I saying? Mike isn't doing a damn thing to land a sponsor. He has a friend named Sean back in the States who is doing all of this for him while Mike walks around London taking in the sights and getting to know the ins and outs of British culture. Oops, sorry, I still don't have this right. Sean is making the calls while Mike sits on his ass back at the house and flips through magazines and calls to check on the progress. But I swear, when you're watching it actually happen on television, it's way more exciting than I'm giving it credit for here in the recap. Okay, actually it's not. At all.
Sean is one of those guys from the Midwest who has "anti-sideburns." The hairline around his ears is shaved a centimeter in, lest anyone think he'd ever try to do anything fashionable (i.e. faggy) to his hair. No one really explains Sean's motivation for helping Mike out -- whether he does this sort of thing professionally or he's just trying to get on TV. Nevertheless, Sean is sitting at some desk back in the States, wearing a sports-related sweatshirt and calling Mike every once in a while in order to update him on his progress -- which is absolutely zilch. I find it rather strange that a company would pass up the option to sponsor someone who is not only going to be racing professionally, but is also a cast member of The Real World. I mean, even if he lost, the company would be getting all this worldwide television exposure, right?
Anyway, Sean calls Mike "Mike Doggy Dogg," and Mike asks Sean if he's gotten to any of the "big dogs" yet. Whatever. "There's no pressure," says Mike to Sean over the phone. "We're all just sitting around waiting on you."
Meanwhile, I can't think of anything better for Mike to do than go and spend money he doesn't have at an auto show with Graham. Mike explains that Graham knows a lot about cars, and to prove that to us -- the viewers -- Graham is shown gesturing at cars and making slicing motions with his hands while he says to Mike things we can't hear.
Mike brings Graham to the house. The housemates all ask Graham what he thinks of Mike's driving. Graham confesses that he's never seen Mike drive: "I've never even seen him ride a bike." But Mike has told Graham how good he is and that's good enough for Graham. I guess because Graham is a lot older than the housemates, the kids start asking him questions in that way that students have of asking questions of their professors simply so that it looks like they're really on top of the material. Lars asks Graham why England is such a prestigious place to race. Graham tells Lars that it's because everyone comes from around the world to race in England. Um, can you say circular argument? Mike glows like a Greek youth who has been chosen to give Socrates a handjob.
Wacky flute music plays as Kat shops for fencing equipment. There are a lot of gratuitous shots of Kat "modeling" her fencing jacket and breeches while pretending to lunge with various épées ["That's 'swords' for the uninitiated, like me." -- Niki]. It ain't exactly Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face, but I am so sick of Mike's story line that I will happily watch Kat wax her upper lip at this point. "Oh my god," exclaims Kat. "I love new weapons!" Wow, how dangerously sexy of Kat to say that. Too bad she's not thinking actual, dangerously sexy thoughts while she says that. No, she really looks psyched to fence, and although I'm happy for her that she's going to try to make something out of herself and follow a dream, I really hate fencing. No, actually "hate" is way too strong a word here. My feelings about fencers were formed by the people I knew who fenced in college and high school. They were usually total geeks who only fenced either as (a) an extension of that whole Renaissance Fair/Dungeons and Dragons head trip, (b) a way to do a sport without having to shower alongside real jocks or, (c) an indignant celebration of being a "different" sort of teenager. Some of them could have been rather sweet, but I never went to their parties.
So Kat starts fencing at her new salle and gives us another one of those "I gotta go for it" speeches in a sit-down. There's also an explanation by Kat of the rules of fencing and how all the equipment works to keep track of your score, but I'm not paying attention. I lost interest as soon as I learned that the point on Kat's sword is harmless and there's little chance of her poking any of her flatmates' eyes out accidentally. She finds that she's not as good as everyone in the salle and then concludes with yet another "I gotta go for it" speech and the startling pronouncement that if she practices, she'll get better.
Mike explains his normal routine in a sit-down. "I get up at 2 PM. I sit around and fart and then do nothing until late at night." Thanks for sharing Mike, but how about a little multi-tasking? I've been known to fart, too, but I can usually do that while going about my normal day, provided there's enough ventilation. I don't need to make time to "sit around and fart." Sean can't get a sponsor. Mike eats cereal in a sit-down and complains that Sean isn't doing anything. Then there's a montage sequence of Mike getting calls from Sean wearing a variety of sports-related sweatshirts and baseball caps. "I feel so helpless." They consider calling Mike's dad but only as a last resort.
Mike complains about his plight to Kat while they are both alone in the kitchen. Kat pretends to listen to him and then scrubs a pot while she explains to Mike why she doesn't ask about his racing: "I know when I get frustrated about something, it's the last thing I want to talk about." Mike complains about being stuck in London while some kid back home gets to race his father's car. Mike, some people don't get to go to London and stay, all expenses paid, in some gorgeous house. Why don't you quit whining and go enjoy London?
Kat calls her mom again. Gives another "I gotta go for it" speech in a sit-down. She gets on a plane to San Diego but not before we see lots of shots of Kat looking lovely and lonely, stomping through the terminal with all of her luggage.
Back in the U.S., Kat is greeted warmly by her NYU teammates who have missed her and can't wait to hug her in front of MTV's cameras. She sees her old coach, who is happy to see her. She talks about his coaching style in a sit-down, but it's really not very interesting, especially since we won't see him ever again after this episode. More "I gotta go for it" stuff.
Mike still hasn't gotten the money. Mike begs Graham for more time. Graham is still cool about waiting since it means being on-camera longer. Sean and Mike decide to ask Mike's dad for a loan against a future sponsorship deal. Mike explains in a sit-down that a part of him wants to do this on his own, "But another part of [him] says, 'no one really gets anywhere without someone helping them.'" Mike stares at his computer screen. He's drawn a racing car in MacDraw. How illuminating.
Back in San Diego, Kat claims in a voice-over to be a bitch when she fences, which is why none of her family comes to watch her fence. I guess, to Kat, being a bitch means shaking her head a lot when she loses. And she does lose so it's time to get back to London. Lots more people who want to be on TV hug her goodbye. Coach tells her she did her best and that there's always senior circuit. She flies back to London. That was fast.
Mike has a talk with his father. Father tells him that Sean called about a loan, but Mike's father can't float a loan because he just bought a new house. What? They finally decide to ask Mike's father for money, and Mike has Sean do it? Okay, whatever. Mike doesn't know what his options are. Mike's dad tells Mike what he told Sean: Mike should be "peddling" for sponsors himself. Never thought I'd say this but, "Word, Mike's father!" Mike tells his father that he doesn't want to be without a car for six months. Mike's father tells him that he can race cars if he comes home. Mike is pissed that his father wants him to fail. He goes and complains to Lars. Lars asks him if his father is worried because he can't get sponsors. No, says Mike: "He opened up another bottle of champagne when I told him this." In a sit-down, Mike decides that maybe he's supposed to learn from this failure. Maybe so, Mike, but "failure" usually implies TRYING and THEN failing.
Kat comes back and has a completely different take on her fencing. "I fenced better than I ever have and that's what counts." Funny, I distinctly remember her claiming that she fenced badly while she was actually in San Diego. She arrives home and shares her experiences with her roommates who, at this point, are so sick of Michael sitting around and being pathetic that they're all too happy to listen. "Whether she has a good match or a bad match, she always comes back more VIBRANT than when she left," says Neil in a sit-down. What's with the "always" shit? She's only had one match since she moved into the house. Kat teaches Sharon how to fence. Cute. Not. Every other roommate repeats the "she didn't place well but she fenced well" mantra in their own individual sit-downs. Kat says she "knows what she needs to do" when she fences in the future.
Mike leaves the house at night wearing a baseball cap and one of those collarless sports shirts that were everywhere for a couple of years back in the eighties. The shirt is tucked into a pair of olive khakis that are way too tight around his butt. He is alone -- unless you count the cameraman, the soundman and the associate producer who are following him out. "Wow," I think to myself, "Has Michael's struggle with his father also made him aware of his lifelong, desperate longing for man-on-man action? Is Michael finally getting off his ass and looking for Mr. Goodbar? Could this season possibly redeem itself?"
Michael ends up...at a video arcade. He walks around the room and sets himself down at one of those videogames where you sit behind the wheel of a simulated racecar shell and race around a virtual track. Mike's pretend video car crashes into the side of the track and the words "Game Over" appear on the screen.