Previously on The Real World: Pam had a boyfriend. Pedro knew that Rachel's mother doesn't want her living with someone with HIV. Puck was out of the house.
Random street shot. Random shot of elderly Asians performing Tai Chi. Pam plays the keyboard, but we hear Enya instead. Man, if Enya sounds better than what Pam was plunking, I shudder to think what she's capable of. Pedro irons. Cory dries her hair. Judd draws. Mohammed sits on a pier and tells us that the entire house is much calmer now that Puck is gone. "It's a whole different atmosphere," he says. Why is Mohammed always on location for his confessionals? Mohammed burns some sage and comfrey in the house. Judd says that they're all happier and more relaxed now.
Cut to Rachel bitching on the phone to her parents. Little Miss Visa has gotten her credit cards taken away. I've seen the clothes Rachel wears this episode. They're doing her a favor. Rachel says that her parents think she has no responsibility when it comes to credit cards. Pedro laughs at her. Rachel laughs and tells us that her mother said she'll have her Masters degree and be homeless on the beaches of San Diego. She laughs some more. Credit-card debt is funny when you're rich, isn't it?
Rachel wears a Minnie Mouse striped dress while she argues with her mother on the phone. I can't listen to her if she's going to wear that thing. Pedro says that Rachel is conservative, but also wants to be wild. Cut to the two of them salsa dancing, showing us how wild they can get. Judd sips tea as Rachel and Pedro dance. Pedro says that Rachel is trying to get to know him as a person, and he's glad they're going on the trip. Rachel is bringing Pedro home to visit her family. Rachel asks Pedro whether he's comfortable going to services with her family on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Even Pedro doesn't talk to God that often. Rachel tells us that her home was very strictly Catholic, so she's always had a "Catholic Schoolgirl Rebellion" inside her. I hate Rachel. She's wearing a beret and a floozy sweater thing fresh off of some Contempo Casuals rack. She says she gets a kick out of upsetting her parents.
Cut to Rachel getting her belly button pierced. She tells us that she never liked her stomach enough before, but that she just went out and did it. If you're wondering what kind of piercing prices San Francisco was asking back in 1994, an ear was $15 and a septum was $25. Belly buttons were $28 and an eyebrow was $20. My pierced sister just leaned over and told me that those prices are before the jewelry, so they're really going to be much more. You live, you learn, people. The piercers lead Rachel to some dark back room (just like my mother always warned me about) and we actually have to watch them jam the needle through Rachel's stomach. Unfortunately, she doesn't scream or cry. This girl is no mortal. Pain doesn't touch her. She just moans a little through this big grin. Her friend looks terrified as Rachel says that it's stinging just a little. Rachel says she thinks her belly button ring is "cool." She says that her mother is going to be upset when she finds out, but Rachel doesn't plan on telling her.
Back at the house, Pam is trying to reach her boyfriend on the phone. He's not home, so she's cursing up a storm. Judd touches her shoulder, but Pam's not paying attention to his affection yet. Pam is wearing some black sheer thing that's tied in the middle of her back. It looks like she's wearing butterfly wings from a Renaissance Festival. In the confessional, Pam says she misses her boyfriend.
Cut to Pam and Judd at a coffee shop. Judd is wearing a giant beige blanket and he's trying to pull it off as a trench coat. So not working. He "casually" asks Pam how her boyfriend Christopher is doing. She says she hasn't seen him in a long time. Cut to a shot of Christopher and Pam on a rowboat in some pond. He wears a black vest and a white puffy shirt and she's in some other godawful wench's peasant blouse. I'm so glad it's not the early nineties anymore, friends. We see the Montage of Forgettable Love as Pam tells us that even though she's been seeing Christopher for eight years, she thinks they've grown apart because of their distance. Pam tells Judd that her birthday is in two weeks, and that they always do something for her birthday. Judd asks whether Christopher might be planning a surprise for her. Pam says that it'd be "terrible" if he were surprising her for her birthday, because it's on a Thursday this year and she has two tests on Friday. So, she doesn't really miss him too much, is what I'm gathering here.
Pedro and Rachel are at the airport, getting ready for their flight to Rachel's mom's house. Pedro confesses that he's a bit nervous about meeting Rachel's family. They have different politics and beliefs. He says he's not going to ask too many questions, since he knows Rachel's mom has a problem with Rachel living with Pedro. We watch them get their boarding passes, for some reason. Rachel tells us that it made sense to bring Pedro home with her. We watch them fall asleep in First Class as Rachel hopes everything goes smoothly. Rachel tells us that she's nervous about going home, and then the camera focuses on Rachel opening her eyes. She's clearly watching someone else in First Class, but they're making it look like Pedro doesn't have a care in the world and is snoozing away on her shoulder as Rachel frets about what her mother is going to think.
Rachel and Pedro are greeted at the gate by Rachel's brother. He hasn't earned a name yet. He doesn't get one until he takes off that vest over the sleeveless t-shirt outfit. Man. He's wearing shorts and combat boots and white socks and a backwards baseball cap with a vest over a sleeveless t-shirt. May we never have to see that again.
Establishing shots of Phoenix. Establishing shots of Rachel's house. Pedro says he noticed two things when he first walked into the house. The house is really clean. Everything has a place and it's all dusted. More importantly, the house is filled with the Jesus. There are pictures, paintings, sculptures, figurines, stuffed animals, dishes -- you name it, and there's a Jesus on it and it's in MamaRachel's house. Yikes. There's a rug with a picture of a llama on it. There's no excuse for that. There are two pink twin beds with giant yellow headboards. Again, no excuse. There are black velvet paintings of something that look like pigs. Pedro is terrified. Rachel is happy to be back with her white plush stuffed tiger. Zoom in on a nativity scene as Pedro says that he's not used to seeing religion everywhere. He says it's nice that Rachel is welcoming him into her environment.
Pedro sits down to dinner, but only PapaRachel is sitting there. PapaRachel makes a joke to the effect that it'll just be the two of them for dinner. This can be taken in that "Nobody in my family wants to eat with you" sort of way, but the reality is that probably all of the women are still preparing the food in the kitchen while the men wait. Cut to MamaRachel slaving in the kitchen. She's even wearing an apron, people. Cut to a close-up of the refrigerator, where a bumper sticker proudly boasts: "Abortion. An American Holocaust." See? I had no idea that abortions only happened in America. They don't teach you those things outside the American churches.
"Sister." "Mom." Nobody gets a name here on The Real World. "Sister" leads grace, but gives a strange look to Pedro before she does it. Then she immediately screws up grace, and "Mom" gives a look that lets us know that she's totally been busted. This family probably never says grace, but she's threatened them all to act like good Christians before the cameras, the crew, and the gay. That's why there are so many Christmas decorations around the house. It's not about Jesus, it's about looking like you dedicate your life to Jesus.
A little later in the meal, the editing isn't letting us know what anyone's talking about. No shit, we just have this shot of MamaRachel saying, "Cuba." And then she just nods for a while all, "Thas' right. I said it." Then we see a very tired-looking Pedro. Rachel says something about being a Republican. Pedro laughs and says he's Cuban but not Republican, and that not all Cubans are Republicans. Blah, blah, blah. Rachel's sister says the word "constituent" and "Cuban." Pedro makes the sign of the cross. He rolls his eyes and sighs. I have no idea what the argument is about because they don't want us to know. We just see MamaRachel giving death glares to Pedro, but they don't tell us why. Pedro tells us that MamaRachel's idol is George Bush. She even named her cat after him. Cut to the very scene where Pedro learns that so we see it all over again. Pedro rolls his eyes, forgetting that one day MamaRachel will see the footage. Cut to a shot of George and Barbara as Pedro laughs at the Republicans.
Back to the awkward dinner. "Sister" asks someone to pass her the cabbage, and for some reason Pedro passes it like she said, "There's a bomb in the cabbage. Hand me the bowl." Rachel goes blabbing on about what college she wants to go to and where she'd like to fight for the Republican party but I can't actually hear her unless I bulge my eyes like she does and the last time I tried to pay attention to Rachel I got a migraine that lasted a full week. I've learned my lesson. MamaRachel is just pissed about something, but she's mumbly and we don't ever really get to find out what she's pissed about. Pedro says he sees a lot of MamaRachel in Rachel. Pedro says that MamaRachel is strong and controlling, just like Rachel. Cut to Rachel bitching about the entire state of Michigan. I hate Rachel. MamaRachel tells Rachel to apply at McDonald's. Pedro is amazed. Rachel says she can't believe they think there're a name tag and hairnet in her future. Rachel tells us that MamaRachel loves her children and expects a lot from them, so they're all over-achievers. Cut to a close-up of Rachel looking like Marie Osmond.
Rachel and MamaRachel are in a corner of a room near a chess table and it's too bright to see them. They're both wearing white shirts and jeans, so it's really just a white room with two heads and a chess table, as far as the camera can tell. MamaRachel is looking at some pictures of Rachel's roommates that Rachel has brought. MamaRachel is disgusted because she's now realizing that Rachel is living with a man with HIV, a man who's African-American, and a man who's Puck. She finds a picture of Puck and Rachel in bed (Puck looks naked under his sheets) and declares the entire thing "disgusting." Point for MamaRachel. Why would Rachel bring a picture of herself in bed with Puck? They talk about someone named Patty and someone named Francis, for some reason. Then MamaRachel says she doesn't like Rachel's behavior in these pictures. Rachel sasses, and MamaRachel calls the pictures "trash." She says that nobody should be naked in the house. Cut to a close-up on Mohammed so that he's actually in this episode, even if he's just in a photograph.
Shots of Phoenix. Rachel brings Pedro to MamaRachel's school to discuss his life with HIV. Rachel says that MamaRachel is "very trusting" to take Pedro to work. Pedro tells us he was nervous because Rachel's family and the principal of the school were present. Pedro stands in front of a classroom as he tells us he didn't want to offend anybody. Pedro takes questions from the class. Someone asks him how he got HIV. There's a shot here of MamaRachel holding her mouth, like this is the part where she's terrified Pedro will explain homosexuality. Pedro says that he got HIV from unprotected sex, and that he knows it because he's never done any drugs. The kids assume that Pedro got it through heterosexual sex, and Pedro doesn't correct them. They asks whether he dates now, and whether his girlfriend knows he's HIV-positive. He says that he's in a relationship right now with a person who's also HIV-positive. Rachel says it was important for the kids to focus on what was important, and not on Pedro's being gay, or the students might think that this was just a disease that gay people get. Pedro giggles a bit when someone asks about his girlfriends, and MamaRachel hides her eyes in shame. I can't listen to Rachel's confessional if she's going to sit behind that giant plush stuffed white tiger. There's a quick montage of Pedro charming the class while some cheesy music plays behind him. He ends with a Jerry Springer's Final Thought closer. The students applaud as they grab their backpacks. MamaRachel and some teacher point out Rachel's brother. Pedro tells him that he's the new brother in the family, and that BrotherRachel is on his way out. Rachel squints.
Back at home, MamaRachel shows Pedro some photos of Rachel. He laughs at pictures of Rachel in hats, diapers, and Brownie uniforms. Trust me, she was a better dressed baby. Rachel tells us that she wasn't spending enough time with Pedro before and that she hadn't realized how much they had in common. Rachel tells us that she feels like Pedro's sister: "I mean, I really, really do." Thanks for the clarification.
Boredom. Taking over. Killing me. Rachel and Pedro go hiking through the mountains with a group. Rachel says that Pedro complained a lot while they were hiking. Pedro and Rachel fight over some cute boy as they walk. Pedro says that they stopped seeing each other as "opposing people" on the trip. He says this trip will bring them closer together. Shot of Pedro holding hands with Rachel's family during church services. They say goodbye at the airport and we get a thirty-second Southwest Airlines commercial before we break for the other commercials.
Back in San Francisco, Rachel fingers her belly button. She brags that her mother didn't find out. She says that it'll be over quickly once she does. Great story. Moving on.
Judd, Cory, and Pedro are in a car discussing Pam's birthday. Judd is going to surprise Pam with Christopher, even though he knows Pam doesn't want a surprise because she's got two tests on Friday. Look at him making tension for them. Pretty sneaky, Judd. Cory warbles on about how clever Judd's idea is. It's going to be explained over and over in this episode, but I'll just do it once for you here: they're doing a mock This is Your Life, and Christopher will be the final guest, but it'll look like it's supposed to be Puck. Rachel will keep Pam entertained outside the house as they sneak Christopher in. Got it? Great.
Judd tests Rachel on "The Plan," which she blahs back to him from behind her magazine. She fucks it up and Judd starts harping on her so she looks to the kitchen for help. Rachel explains it all again for us. Thanks.
Judd picks up Christopher at the airport and explains the fucking plan once a-fucking-gain. Judd tells Christopher that they're going to stuff him in a closet to hide him from Pam until the time is right. Rachel fucks up the plan right away by not taking Pam to a coffee shop, like she's supposed to, but to their neighbors' house. Pam hates their neighbors and is in pure hell while Rachel is making her sit there waiting for a page. Judd's back at the house with Christopher waiting for Cory and Mohammed. Judd stuffs Christopher in a closet. Rachel gets a page, but Dumb-Ass Neighbor is on the phone. Pam wants to go, but Rachel wants to wait around to call Judd back so that he doesn't bitch her out for the year. Pam says she's just going to go without Rachel. Rachel tells her that she's coming with, and they head over to the house without calling first. God, I'm so fucking bored. Are you bored? Let's pretend there's tension. Judd is crazy pissed because The Plan is falling apart. Nobody's home and Pam's on her way over.
Judd and Christopher hear Rachel and Pam walk into the house, so Christopher hauls ass back to the closet in Judd's bedroom. Judd is bitching out Rachel for not taking Pam for coffee. He says the word "coffee" eighteen times. Pam's making some stir-fry. An hour passes. Mo and Cory finally wander home. Man, poor Christopher. He's missing out on some freaky-freaky time now. Pam eats as Mo explains his plans for how his dreadlocks are going to grow out. The dramatic tension has me in shooting stomach pains. Do you know what it's like to listen to Mo explain for thirty seconds how his hair will grow? Just stare at a plant. It's the same level of satisfaction. Cory warbles about the shirt she's wearing, and how it came with another shirt on top of it, but when she wears the shirt that's supposed to go on top if it then it really doesn't go with anything so you need to come over to my house and shoot me in the head right now. Shoot me in the head because I can't believe I'm recapping Mohammed's hair plans and Cory's fashion woes. Pam eats. Judd is bitching out Pedro on some phone somewhere. Not prepared himself, Judd just now gets around to writing out the cards for the "skit." Actually, I'm sure he did this hours ago and they've been waiting under his bed, but this is how they edited it. Judd puts on a tux. Lord, help us all. Pedro finally shows up, so Judd bolts over to Pam to start his skit. Poor Cory's all, "You couldn't wait until I was done with my pizza?"
Judd flirts with Pam and does his schtick as the other roommates wait downstairs. They watch a video monitor and wait their turn. Each one speaks over the intercom and then everyone does fake happiness as they run up the stairs and hug Pam. This would be way more effective if they were bringing presents up the stairs with them. But no, too selfish, these kids. I wish Pam was like, "Cory? Who's that? Mohammed? I've never heard of these two." Actually, Pam doesn't recognize Pedro. Then Rachel tells Pam that when she first met her, she thought Pam was a snob. Cory sits with her legs spread, and her shorts aren't covering enough flesh. The last voice is Christopher's, of course, and not Puck's. Pam doesn't wait for him to come up, and runs down the stairs to hug him, ruining the moment Judd had been waiting for all this time. So sad, Judd tries to stop her, but Pam doesn't listen, so Judd starts jumping down the stairs screaming after her. All in his tux with his heart in shreds. We see Judd pout as he watches Pam hold her boyfriend affectionately. Judd was hoping she'd hug him and thank him for such a brilliant skit. It doesn't happen, and Pam kisses Christopher instead.
Everyone goes skiing to celebrate Pam's birthday. Um, when are her two tests, exactly? Everyone skis. Then everyone goes clubbing. Pedro says that it was important for all of them to go out and do something together, without Puck, to bring them all together again. Rachel says that things are perfect now, and that they all talk to each other.
Rachel's on the phone with her mother, lying her ass off. She says that she's wearing a sticker on her navel. She asks her mother about the pictures she sent. Why would she send more pictures? Why? MamaRachel says she thinks "nothing" about the pictures. She barks some things for Rachel to do and then hangs up.
time: Pedro and Sean are fighting. Cory fights with Puck. Pedro visits his family.
I do not understand what the fuck is happening here. During the credits, Rachel is dressing Judd in drag. He's wearing lipstick and a wig and a dress and they take pictures of him, but they don't bother to tell us why. I guess it was just so I can keep having nightmares. Thanks, MTV.
God, and what's with this Canadian plastic surgery show Skin Deepand its incredibly graphic shots of titties getting sliced? Can't a girl just do a damn recap? Man.