Previously: The gang gets all political and votes and goes to rallies and stuff. Norman finds a not-boyfriend. Julie plays at being homeless. Julie tells her mom she's not coming home right away, and Julie's Mom decides to Pay a Visit.
Becky, sporting a very Weimar Republic hairdo, tells us that the lofties find a dog. Or, more precisely, they find a dog with a head like a pickled walnut. They all pretend to think it's adorable. Norman wants to call the dog (gag) "Yoda." He says it responds to the name.
The five minutes are filled with the lofties trying to find the home of this so-called dog and cooing over its cuteness. Personally, I think the dog looks like the nub of something that doctors would potentially try to stitch back on the original owner, but whatever. In between, we see Julie talking on the phone with her parents. She tells them that she might not be returning right away; the parents then tell her that she's crazy and needs to come home, and if she doesn't, her parents are giving away her dog. And ruh-roh! Julie's mom is coming to visit after Easter. Julie warns us that you can't believe her family until you see them. And she is really happy that her brother is coming, too. And that her mom's agenda is guilt trips galore.
The lofties at dinner. Julie tells Heather that she has to stick around and hang out with Julie's mom. Heather snorts and says, "Julie. You don't even want to hang out with your mom. Why you think I wanna hang out with your mother?" Becky, apprehensive, asks where Julie's family will be staying. Straight-faced, Julie replies, "The loft." She lets that one sink in, then cracks up and tells them she's kidding. Ha. Ha. Ha. Everyone's shoulders slump in relief.
The lofties find a tick on the dog. Heather bluntly tells us in her one-on-one that she hates the dog and thinks it's ugly and it has cooties. Norman says, "That's a HUGE motherfucker tick!" Four minutes are spent watching Julie and Norman on the phone getting Tick Nine-One-One. Heather shouts at the dog, "Stay away from me! You are so ugly." During this segment, Gouda stands around looking cute and confused as to why the lofties are paying huge amounts of attention to some Chernobyl experiment and not him. Close-up of the tick. It is pretty gross.
Julie's on the phone working out logistics for her family's arrival. She tells her father that she will wait for her mother's call before doing anything. She tries not to look gleeful after she gets off the phone. Apparently, they're not letting any planes land at La Guardia because of a huge wreck at the airport, and she tells Heather cheerfully, "Maybe they'll just have to turn around and go back to Birmingham." Heather makes "Victory" signs with her arms. Becky tells us, "Poor Julie was a mess. I've never seen her this grumpy." Shot of Julie looking like the Biggest Tension Migraine in the World has taken up permanent residence in her head.
Julie lounges around the loft, looking grumpy, expectant and apprehensive all at once. At 6:50 PM, Eric tells her to give it up and go outside with them. It is practically the first time all season that we see the lofties go somewhere en masse.
Julie's mother is on the phone to Julie's father. Ruh-roh. She can't find Julie anywhere. Cut to a shot of Julie getting a piggyback ride from Eric. I will not make any barebacking comments because that's just really below me, but nonetheless the opportunity is out there if anyone else would care to take it. shot. The lofties are eating ice cream. Julie tells us she was eating ice cream and it took forever to get it, since Eric had to have frozen yogurt (oh CHRIST, I take it back; he's not gay, he's a sorority girl trapped inside the body of a B-level underwear model), and they had to cut through the park to get it. Meanwhile she's expecting her mom to arrive. Julie says she started to get the feeling that she was in trouble on the way back to the apartment, and that she blew it.
Julie stands over the phone apprehensively and plays back her messages. A very flat-sounding message from her mother tells her that they're in the hotel and to give them a call. Oooh. How well I know That Tone of her mother's message. It says, "You're in the shit now, missy, and it's such deep shit that I can't even be bothered to demonstrate my upset, since right now it's accruing interest in my Resentment Account at the Bank of Anger."
Julie's on the phone to her mother, explaining that she didn't know how long to wait after talking to her father. She asks them why they didn't come to the loft. She listens and then says, "Okay, so you didn't want to come here." It's decided that Julie will go and meet them. Julie tells Heather, "I already feel like I'm in trouble." Heather snorts and says, "Of course, they're mothers. They need to walk around with a gun and a badge." Hee. Julie does a Clint Eastwood-style impersonation of someone pulling out a badge and saying, "Mom. That's right. M-O-M."
Heather and Julie in a cab to meet the parents. Go, Heather. Considering that all she knows about Julie's mom is that she's the Dragon Lady of Birmingham, it's pretty nice of her to go with Julie and take some of the heat off. How well I remember this tactic from eighth grade. Julie, grinning, tells Heather, "Nobody can bring out my temper like my family. Nobody." Okay. I am definitely not calling Julie "Pollyanna" or anything, but from what we've seen of her thus far, I don't think that Julie has any big Ike Turner-type rages to work out. But, whatever. Maybe Bunim-Murray just edited out the parts where she was breaking chairs and bustin' heads. Heather, looking straight ahead, says, "For real?"
Heather tells us that Julie kept asking her to come and meet Julie's mother. Julie says that she got Heather involved by pleading, "C'mon Heather, work with me." Julie and Heather ride the elevator up to meet La Madre de las Madres. Long shot of Julie walking down the hallway to give her mom a hug. Her mom says, "You look just the same!" Julie says, "Don't cry, Mom." So far, so average. Yawn. I give this meeting half a Mommie Dearest.
More idle chitchat. They go inside to meet Julie's brother, Bill. I know that it was the early nineties and we're all allowed fashion mistakes, but let me just say that the horror of the eighties had not yet left us when this episode originally aired, since Bill (who seems pretty decent but stiffer than Bob Dole post-Viagra -- although who wouldn't be, with a camera jammed up their left nostril during a family gathering?) is wearing high-top, Space Invader-esque, white athletic shoes, stonewashed jeans and a shirt that has that unfortunate Eau de Special Ed. about it. Julie asks Bill if he missed her. Deadpan, Bill says, "Yeah. [pause] They been feeding you good." Julie rolls her eyes and says, "I knew one of you was gonna call me fat." Bill's the first one to notice Heather and introduce her around.
Julie tells us that Heather only agreed to come and meet her mother, and that Heather didn't want to eat with the family and was going to return to the loft after dropping Julie off. The shot we see is of Heather at dinner with everyone. Back to Julie's one-on-one. She tells us that she asked Heather what she was doing there, and Heather said, "You're mom's so good. I don't even know her and she made me feel guilty." Julie says, deadpan. "Oh yeah. She's a pro."
Shot of a very uncomfortable dinner. Julie tells her family that she's worried about her dad, since when she calls home and asks him how he is, she gets answers like, "I'm not good. I'm not bad." Hee. Her dad's obviously a borg. Heather laughs. Julie's mom then says that, a few nights ago, all the kids were lined up and it was perfect, "'Cept Julie [was] not [there]." Julie looks like someone slipped a cockroach in her dinner. Heather looks apprehensively at her.
Julie takes the family on a tour of the loft. She tells us her mom had no reaction to the place. Julie's Mom says that she can tell which one is Julie's room because it's so messy. She then tells Julie that there's not one neat person in the loft. Oh God. I think I'm starting to get a tension migraine from having her mother around. Meeting uncomfortable situations head-on and voicing her feelings as they occur, like the wet dream of therapists everywhere, Julie tells her mother, "You're not in awe" over the loft.
Oh, Shit. Julie introduces her mom to Eric and Norman. Hi Mom, meet my roommates -- the narcissistic underwear model and my gay friend. Hope this doesn't upset your sensibilities. Fortunately, the introductions go off without a hitch and everyone's pretty subdued. Julie tells us that the lofties really pulled together to support her, for which she was really grateful. Her mom shakes Norman's hand with her left, explaining, "I've got poison oak all over [the right] hand." For those of you playing at home, this is the first of several minor, yet earth-shaking, ailments that plague Julie's mother. Mark it off on your score sheet.
Julie tells us that she feels closer to the lofties than some of her family, so it was good to have them backing her up and have a cheering session for the weekend.
I guess Bunim-Murray decided that was all the excitement they could stand from Julie's family. We switch to the lofties seeking the owner of the rat-dog. Heather says, "That dog is SO UGLY it needs plastic surgery." They go to the park for some shots of flier posting and totally gratuitous shots of really cute dogs.
Andre's voice-over sheepishly tells us that, in all the hurry, he'd totally forgotten his family was in town. I think Andre's Freudian slip is showing in a big way. He calls and leaves them a hurried message about finding a dog that's half-alien and half-canine and trying to find its owner, so he'll see them later. Ouch. Whoo-whoo! Everyone hear that whistle? It's the sound of the train pulling into Dysfunction Junction!
Back at the loft. Andre's family sits around the table. A family member tells the lofties they should call the police to find the dog's owner. Andre, in his one-on-one, tells us that his mother understands him, that she REALLY does, "hard as it is." Okay. Now we haven't seen much of Andre, but from what we have seen, I think it's safe to say that no one should go diving into the waters of Lake Andre since concussions are an imminent likelihood.
Cut to Southern Discomfort. Julie's outside her family's hotel room. Her mom opens the door. Julie, in astonishment, says, "You're not ready?" Her mom tells her to come back in an hour and then shuts the door in Julie's face. I give this move one full Mommie Dearest.
Julie tells us, "The plan was to wear. Them. OUT." Shots of Julie, family in tow, on the subway, at the World Trade Center, yadda yadda yadda. Shot of them at a curb, with Julie's mother telling her that she can't walk because of her ankle, so they should get a cab. Oooh. It's a minor thing, but it makes me want to spew. Julie looks like she's about to spew, herself, albeit for different reasons. For God's Sakes, America, don't be afraid of a little walking. It's good for you! Julie says, grinning slyly, that she didn't always know in which direction they were going, but she knew there was something to be seen, and they were preferably going to get there on foot.
More shots of touristy junk. Lots of shots of walking and subways. Bill and the mom look very phlegmatic. We get one key shot of Julie being asked by her mom, "Are you happy? You don't laugh as much as you used to." Oh. Boy.
The family returns to the hotel. Julie returns to the loft and slams the door behind her. shot: Andre, hair back but with one long tendril pulled out to frame his face just like all those girls used to wear at prom, is giving her a backrub. Julie says, "Well? Whaddya think?" Andre tells her she needs a chiropractor. Julie laughs and intones, "You need professional help." Equally solemn, Andre tells her it's beyond his control. Andre says that her mother seems nice and loves Julie. Julie says her mother IS nice and adores her. Andre asks then what's the problem? Julie goes sort of blank and says, "We just don't have a loving relationship. We don't have anything to say." Oh man. I start to get a little lump in my throat. And what a nice change from watching the twerp with the pixie haircut on the The Real World New Orleans yapping ad nauseum about her Incredibly Complex Issues and Discovering Her True Emotional Self. Yay! Thumbs up for being laconic!
Julie tells us that it was the beginning of a long weekend. She tells Norman that she and her mom never have anything to say and it's a problem in their relationship, but when she brings it up, her mother says that everything is fine. Apparently, Julie's mom is also laying on the guilt trip with a trowel and wants Julie to come home prontissimo, baby. Julie tells Norman that her mother has a sprained ankle, a case of poison ivy (or oak, according to what her mother said earlier) AND a broken arm. Julie rolls her eyes.
In her one-on-one, Julie says that since their relationship isn't that great, she feels she doesn't really have anything to work with when it comes to her mother, and that she knows she hurts her mother more than she should. She says she tries to avoid that, but she also sacrifices a lot of things she needs to say. My GOD. Someone on The Real World taking accountability for her actions and not blaming everyone else for her problems? Quick -- my smelling salts!
Back to that dumb, damn dog. Andre found the dog's owner via a flier at some Soho supermarket. The lofties make the owner come over so they can grill her like a cheese sandwich. is a montage of everyone sitting around looking at the dog while some tinkly Sting song about saying goodbye plays in the background.
The owner is exactly the type of fur-wearing, baby-talk-using, Lady Who Lunches-type one would picture owning a dog of this kind. The dog's name is Bobo. Okay, as much as I rail against the Oprah-tization of The Real World, I gotta say it's no wonder they started veering the show toward constant high drama after watching the dog segment of this episode.
Andre tells us that he didn't want anyone to find the dog so he could take it home. Becky says something dumb -- unsurprisingly -- about the dog and how ugly/cute it was.
Southern Discomfort, Part II. Julie tells us SOMEONE had to come dinner with her family. Julie knows Norman is good with people and is entertaining, and, she adds, "I always think it's funny, how my mom is about gays, and it'd be funny and I'd get a little humor out of it." Ugh. Julie, please shut up. Or, maybe the time I need a backwoods hick to come and entertain MY family, maybe I'll give YOU a call, since Southerners, with their genteel ways, antebellum mansions and drawls, are ever so amusing. Cut to Norman telling a story about some tacky guy who needs a lot of vacation homes.
Julie tells us that she was gone for five seconds. Back to the table. Norman, either out of sheer nervousness, or complete and total indiscretion, starts telling her mom about Julie's encounter with Darlene. An incredibly frustrated Julie tells us in her one-on-one that she thought she'd made it obvious to Norman that she'd purposely not told her mother about Darlene because she could just hear her mother shouting, "Oh, now you're going to be a damned social worker!" Back to the table, where Norman's spilling his guts like someone shoved bamboo shoots under his fingernails. Julie gets back to the table, and her mother immediately asks her about Darlene.
Norman's one-on-one. He says that he thinks Julie's mother understands her, like, Really Well, but after the Darlene story, Julie shot him a look and he thought he was going to die. Cut back to the dinner table. Julie's calling for the check. Julie calls Norman an idiot for telling her mom about Darlene, but she'll kill him later. Out on the street, Norman is wearing Julie's star-covered jacket. Norman says that they should go to the condom store, since they have glow-in-the-dark ones. Someone shoot Norman before he says anything else.
Andre's band is playing a show. Andre tells us the last time his mother saw them was a couple of years ago, and that she likes the band. She has to, she's his mother. Cute shot of Andre and his mother bonding and pretending to head-bang to the music, while they talk about doing an act in which Andre could introduce his mom as part of the Experience.
Southern Discomfort, Part III. Julie's mom is telling her in this plaintive voice that Julie gives the impression to everyone that they fight all the time, but she always thought they had a good, close relationship. Even more plaintively, Julie's mom asks if that's the "thing," to not get along with your parents, like when you're a kid and the thing to do is not like school. AHHH! If I hear anymore of this I may go fetal. Julie looks incredibly uncomfortable. Julie says that everyone wants to get along with their parents, but it's really hard, and that they don't have the greatest relationship. Julie's mom interrupts and says that she didn't think they had the greatest relationship but that they had a pretty good one, and I've got to say, maybe she's not wrong. It certainly doesn't look like a FUN relationship, but on the whole it seems averagely dysfunctional and not, say, Joan Crawfordly dysfunctional. Julie's mom asks in what way is it so bad. Julie whines that it's not so bad in any one way. They talk some about her dancing, and how frustrated Julie is with her situation right now, and how she needs to be in New York to get anywhere with her dancing. Her mother says that at least that would push Los Angeles way in the background. Julie tentatively says, "Well, New York is okay then?" Her mom shrugs and says that it's not what she wanted, but she'd be okay with it. Julie is relieved and happy. Then her mother zings her with the ultimate mother line: "None of you kids have ever done what I wanted. If you did, it was just coincidence." Can everyone else hear that thumping noise? I think they're putting up Julie's mom's custom-made cross right down the hall.
Julie tells us that her mom was too tired to put up a fight, and that she felt she'd really won. Ouch. Lots of shots of Julie's family going away and her seeing them off. Julie says that her mom is proud of her without really knowing why, but that's okay. The show ends with an inadvertently poignant shot of Julie hugging her family and walking down the hall. When there's about fifty feet between them, her mother says softly, "I love you."
show: Kevin and Julie rumble. Julie says Kevin goes all Jake LaMotta. Kevin displays selective memory. Where's Judge Judy when you need her?