Previously on Real World: Brad spent the night in the drunk tank. Twice. Everyone got annoyed with Robin for all her excuses, especially Frankie.
Cameran and Robin sit outside Santana's (home of the famous sick-making burrito) in their work uniforms and wait for the other roommates to come and pick them up for work. Inside the SUV, Jamie tells Brad that they have to pick up Robin and Cameran, and Brad is annoyed that they went out to eat in the first place, since they have to be at work shortly. Back at Santana's, Robin fears they might not be picked up. Cameran says it's not their fault if they are late for work in that case, and Robin jokes that she's sure that it'll be her fault somehow. The SUV pulls up, and Brad lays on the horn and yells at the girls to get in the car. Totally not sensing the group's vibe, Robin and Cameran are all giggly about it, when everyone else is stone-faced. Robin complains that no one would drive her to get a burrito this morning, and she can't drive herself for some reason. Frankie says that Robin should have just eaten at the house, and Robin protests that they had an hour. Frankie points out that it's not enough time to go out and come back, so it inconvenienced everyone. Jamie is sitting in the back looking like she's about to have a meltdown because they're late for work again.
Boss Brian explains the bonus situation. The roommates have to prove that they can take the boat out and run a charter while working as a team. Brad interviews that they're looking at an extra $150. Each? Because I'm about to get my sail on for that money. Cameran clarifies that if one person screws up, they don't get the bonus. Brad says that they're a team, and Frankie bitches, "Except for Robin." Robin looks pissed but remains silent. Robin interviews that she didn't do anything to Frankie but try to be her friend. Jacquese whispers to Frankie and asks why she said that. Frankie responds that she knows she's being a bitch, but she's tired of Robin. Frankie interviews that she's fed up with Robin out of all her roommates because of her "princess attitude." I interpret that as "Robin sometimes takes attention away from me, so I hate her." Frankie repeats that she's done with Robin.
At the house, Jacquese asks Brad, Randy, and Robin if they're still on for Jell-O wrestling. Robin says she shouldn't be involved because she might get too aggressive. Jacquese asks if Robin wants to fight Frankie, and Robin insists that she's fine with Frankie. Brad thinks that Robin and Frankie should be the main event. Robin is perplexed about why everyone says that she and Frankie are on the outs, which leads me to believe that all of Frankie's tough talk has been behind Robin's back. Jacquese pervs, "I would love to see Robin and Frankie Jell-O wrestle. Not for me and my personal enjoyment, but just basically for them to get out their frustrations." Brad jokes that Frankie would probably pull a shank. Is she a prisoner in Oz? Robin asks if Frankie doesn't like her. Jacquese lies that he's just calling it like he sees it, and Brad yells out, "Of course she don't like you!" Robin laughs. Brad interviews that the conflict between Robin and Frankie is because Robin is "a cheerleader chick on speed" and Frankie's a "chilled-out punk rocker chick." Robin says that Frankie is always giving people the evil eye. Randy says that Frankie gives Robin the evil eye because she doesn't like her. Robin protests that she didn't do anything to Frankie.
Cameran, Jamie, and Frankie eat lunch. Jamie says that she thinks they should get a pet, and Cameran wonders what the most annoying pet would be. Why would you purposely pick out an annoying pet? These people are just complete enigmas to me. Jamie suggests a bird, and Cameran agrees. Frankie sits there and contemplates how she could turn this around to be all about her. At the pet store, Cameran thinks the birds are annoying. They spot a giant turtle, and the pet store employee lets them feed the turtle a melon. They check out a baby turtle, which pees all over Jamie's hand. Jamie keeps squeaking, "Pee pee! Pee pee!" I used to think Jamie didn't appear on the show that much because she's drama-free, but now I'm thinking that she's just really dull and not too bright.
Frankie has found her way to grab attention. She tells the pet store employee that she wants a pet that will get really big, but she can't afford anything too expensive. He suggests a Burmese python, because he owns one. Frankie is familiar with the animal. Frankie interviews that she loves snakes and has always wanted one. Jamie tells Frankie that the snakes get "humongous," and Frankie says that she knows. The employee pulls a baby snake out of a cage so that Frankie can hold it. He offers to show her his big python. Come on. I had to go there. Anyway, it's even more awesome when he adds, "It's in my car." Why does he keep his giant python in his car? And please don't email and explain it to me. I don't care. I will never in my life own a snake of any sort. I see them all the time when I'm walking my dog and I'm not a fan. And I think people who own them are irresponsible and self-absorbed, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Cameran interviews forcefully that snakes are stupid, and if you're going to get a pet, why would you get a reptile? I kind of agree, but my husband had a series of lizards and shit as a teenager, all of which he apparently killed accidentally. The employee lugs his giant python back into the store. It takes three people to carry it in. Jamie and Cameran are freaked out, so Frankie has to act all excited about it to be different. The snake weighs 220 pounds. Here's why I think that's irresponsible. You can't tell me that an animal like that, which is not domesticated, is happy living in a house or a car somewhere. Just let it live in the wild, you know? There are so many domesticated animals out there that need homes, and here this guy is spending God knows how much money per month to feed and house a wild animal that would probably rather eat him than hang out with him. Ugh. The girls all crowd around the snake and take turns helping to hold it up. The employee spends about ten seconds making sure that Frankie knows what she's getting into, and Frankie won't be dissuaded. Frankie goes to pay, and it's going to be $100. She only has $70, so she puts some down and promises to return with the rest tomorrow, after they get paid. What a waste. You can email me if you want, but I promise I won't change my mind. The only time I might consider it reasonable to own one of those is if some other asshole bought it at the pet store and then abandoned it, and you took it in a rescue-type situation.
Brad checks his email. His mom wrote to him and basically told him that he needed to start solving his own problems, and also that he should plan on moving out of their house when he finishes filming, and start paying his own bills. She emphasizes that his parents love him, but he needs to be on his own now that he's twenty-three. Brad interview that he's not surprised to get the email from his parents. Brad calls his mom, who says that they can't deal with some of the "heated" situations Brad has caused. She adds that most kids his age don't want to live at home so they can have their freedom. Brad says that he agrees, but he wishes it was a decision he made instead of being forced out. His mom says that his parents went through a lot when Brad got in a motorcycle accident. Brad interviews that he got in a big accident when his friend was goofing around, and he promises his mom he wouldn't ride anymore, but then five days later, he was on the bike again. Brad's mom says that his parents are afraid of Brad riding his motorcycle.
Frankie walks in the house carrying her snake in a cage. Randy interviews that Frankie found the perfect pet for herself. Frankie interviews that she's always wanted a snake, because it's "a companion" and provides "loyalty and friendship." It's a snake. Seriously, if it could open its mouth wide enough, it would totally swallow you whole. ["And should, because it's going to wind up suffering for Frankie's Goth affectations. Uch. Hate." -- Sars] Frankie names the snake Brutini, which is written on the bottom of Dave's shoes. Robin spots the feeder mouse sitting in a paper bag nearby, and says that she doesn't mind having the snake around, but she can't watch while it eats the mouse.
Frankie takes the mouse, which is in a small bag, and crams the whole thing into her purse, which is sort of like a lunch box. She then snaps the lid shut. What an animal lover. I mean, I know the mouse is going to get eaten shortly, but do you have to be cruel about it?
Later that night, Frankie tells the boys that she thinks the mouse died. Jacquese asks if the snake will eat a dead mouse. Frankie thinks it's supposed to be alive. Brad sees where Frankie was keeping the mouse, and guesses that it suffocated. You think? Or had a heart attack from fright. Frankie disdainfully says that the mouse had air. Brad checks the bag and announces that the mouse is still alive, and looks scared as hell. Don't mice kind of always look scared? I've never seen a confident mouse. Well, Mighty Mouse, but cartoons don't count. Frankie dumps the mouse into a larger bag with the snake, and I can't watch.
The snake and the mouse are just kind of hanging out. The mouse is sniffing the snake, who isn't moving. Frankie decides that the snake isn't hungry. Don't they only eat like once a month? Didn't the pet store tell her when he was last fed? Grr. I hate irresponsible pet owners. Even irresponsible pet owners of shitty pets. Frankie says that it must be a vegetarian snake, and I hope she's kidding. She puts the snake back in his cage, and says she doesn't know what she's going to do with the mouse.
Inside, Frankie keeps trying to feed the snake, but he's totally not interested. Maybe he's intimidated by the cameras. The snake is probably like, "Oh my God! I can't eat on camera. People will think I'm such a pig!" He's the Tori Spelling of the snake world. Robin asks if she can keep the mouse if the snake doesn't eat it. Frankie wants to let the mouse go. Yeah, because those white mice will survive so long in the wild. That thing will get snatched up by a hawk or something in like five seconds. Jacquese wants to keep the mouse. Robin agrees, and Frankie gets pissed at her, even though Jacquese just said the same thing. Frankie wants to know where Robin will keep him and how she'll feed him. God, Frankie, what's it to you? No one complained about your stupid-ass snake. Robin interviews that she didn't want the mouse to be eaten. Robin then says the dumbest thing ever: "He's a mouseketeer." Frankie snaps that the mouse probably wants to be let go, not trapped in a cage on someone's dresser. Hmm. Kind of like YOUR SNAKE! Frankie interviews that she thinks Robin wants to keep the mouse because -- you're going to die laughing -- "it's a dramatic situation that draws attention to her." Ha ha ha! Frankie just accused someone else of being dramatic to get attention? Are you kidding me? That was a classic. Jacquese still wants to keep the mouse. Frankie tells him that it's fine if they have somewhere to keep him for something to feed him. Oh, so when Jacquese wants it, it's cool. Fuck off, Frankie. Robin interviews that it's symbolic, which will be a theme for the rest of the episode. Basically, Frankie is the snake and Robin is the mouse, and the mouse just wants to be friends with the snake, and the snake has stupid tattoos and ugly hair, and the mouse has big fake boobs and cries a lot. Or something like that.
Brad's parents sent him a box of clothes and included his bills. Brad interviews that he's "financially in a kind of situation right now." Wow, if only he hadn't spent all of his money on beer. Am I supposed to feel bad for him that he has to pay bills? Welcome to life as an adult, Brad. Robin comes out and Brad complains about his situation, wondering what he's going to do. Robin says that her parents are paying her minimum payments while she's there, and then she's paying them back. Man, my parents would have flipped if I had a balance on my credit cards when I was still living under their roof. Brad says he needs to call home and beg.
Brad talks to his dad and says he's not sure if he wants to move downtown and get a job. His dad thinks that's the best place to seek employment. Brad doesn't think that will help him achieve his dreams. What is his dream? To get drunk every night? Brad's dad points out that Brad will be making money to pay his bills while he figures out what he wants. Brad interviews that his father doesn't respect his dreams, and tries to steer him in a different direction. It would be a lot easier to feel for Brad if he had an actual career goal. But to say, "I don't want this career because I probably want to do something completely different, and I'll be figuring out what that is real soon now, and also my parents should support my deadbeat ass while I go out and get drunk every night and ride around town on my motorcycle" is a load of horseshit. I have no patience for people who are not financially independent at Brad's age, and don't have any good reason for it. Brad's father points out that Brad has an accounting degree. I bet Brad's parents paid for his college too. Brad interviews that he got the degree to impress his father, but that's not what he wants to do. Brad complains that it sounded like his mom didn't want him to come home, and then clarifies that she said they didn't want him doing things they don't approve of while living in their home. The nerve! Brad wonders if he has a place to live after filming ends. His dad says that Brad can come home if he lives by their rules. There's a lot unsaid in this conversation. What guidelines? What are Brad's dreams? Who knows?
Cameran and Robin snuggle with Marilyn the Mouse in the confessional. Robin speaks in a baby voice, and now I want to smack her. Maybe Frankie has a point. Frankie and Jacquese sit outside. Jacquese interviews that there's symbolism in how the mouse picks at the snake until the snake snaps at it. Jacquese says that he thinks Robin and Frankie are going to come to blows. Frankie admits that she knows how to push people's buttons. Jacquese says that he knows Robin and Frankie of all people will get physical. In a confessional, Robin is still baby-talking about her mouse, which she loves because it doesn't eat other animals. Is Robin a vegetarian? Because if not, shut up. Frankie tells Jacquese that the snake is like her, because it just sits back and lets the mouse fuck around. In a confessional, Robin says that she's going to take in all the mice that the snake doesn't eat. I imagine those mice sitting around sharing war stories. "So then, there was a bright light shining down from above, and I think it was God, and I was sure it was curtains for me!" "Oh, yeah? Well, I got stuffed in a paper bag inside a lunch box and I lived to tell the tale!" Frankie says that if Robin keeps talking about the symbolism, she's going to feed the mouse to the snake after all.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. There was actually a tie for first place. The first one was during Average Joe: Adam Returns, and I realize that I am the only person watching that show. Anyway, Adam was on a golf date with some girl, and one of the former contestants from his season secretly pushed their golf cart into a pond. Not that awesome, but Adam's reaction was hilarious. He hopped about on one foot, and then dropped to the ground like there was incoming artillery fire. I rewound that about five times. The second most awesome thing was the painting of young Donald Trump hanging on the wall of Mar-a-Lago that appeared in this week's episode of The Apprentice. In case you didn't see it, it was an oil painting of the Trumpster, standing at attention like a young prince, looking better than Donald Trump has ever looked in his life. He looked like a Ken doll. Behind him was a beautiful sunset, and sunbeams were breaking through the clouds as if God himself approved of the grandeur of Trump. I paused the tape, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And then we cried. And then we laughed some more. And it was awesome.
Brad tells Randy and Cameran about his parents while they ride in a cab. Brad says that his parents came from nothing, and his father really values money and grades above all. Brad interviews that his father provided financially, but not emotionally. Brad says that he wants his son to feel like they are best friends. Yeah, that'll work out. Wait until he turns thirteen. Randy and Cameran look like they're so sick of Brad's incessant babbling. Brad says that he loves his parents, but he vows to do things very differently with his own life. And if Brad's parents are anything like mine, they sacrificed a whole lot so that Brad would have that choice. Big ups to my parents, y'all! They're the bomb. And Brad should appreciate his a little more instead of being such a pinko about how they are keeping him down. Live in the real world and pay rent for a while, and then talk to me about why your father wanted you to have a valuable degree. I'm not saying that people shouldn't pursue their dreams, or that money is more important than fulfillment. I'm just saying that Brad has no right to judge his parents so harshly when he hasn't looked at things from their perspective and had to support a deadbeat son.
Brad talks to his mom on the phone and says that he has plans to move in with a friend and get a job as a private trader, because that's what his friend is doing. Brad's mom asks if he's been riding his bike, and Brad says that he hasn't. His mom suggests that he sell it, and Brad laughs. Cut to a long montage of Brad riding his motorcycle. Brad voice-overs that he has "a one-on-one relationship" with his bike. Ew!
Robin carries a cage into the house and fills it with bedding. Jamie interviews about the symbolism thing again, which is so played out. Frankie interviews that Robin is making "a feeble attempt to seem deep" by identifying with the mouse. Why would that seem deep? That's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Both Robin's identification with the mouse, and Frankie's jealousy that Robin is getting attention for it. ["Also, look who's talking, Frankie. HATE!" -- Sars] Robin sets up the cage and puts the mouse inside.
Robin talks to the guys about her problems with Frankie. Robin interviews that she's biting her tongue, because she doesn't want it to come to blows. Robin says that if someone is talking shit about her, and she hears about it, she'll call the shit-talker on it. Randy stoners, "It's trauma versus openness. Like, we're all open people, but she has trauma, maybe." What does that even mean? I thought about that for like five minutes, and it just doesn't make any sense. Which is why I kind of love Randy. He reminds me a little bit of Seattle David, in that "I'm going to say something that sounds really deep, and act like I'm wise and old, but really nothing I say makes any sense at all, and I'm totally full of shit" way.
Inside the house, Jamie asks Frankie what type of women she thinks Randy likes, because Jamie can't see a pattern. Robin and Cameran are sitting nearby. Frankie says that Randy looks at everybody as an opportunity, and to get laid, he looks for something different than he looks for in a girlfriend. Wow, that's insightful, Frankie. Guys sleep with one type of girl and enter relationships with another? What is this, 1950? Frankie explains that different types of woman allow themselves to be one-night stands. First are the woman that enjoy it, and stand on bars. Frankie gestures to Robin and adds, "Spitfire like you." Robin blurts that she doesn't enjoy one-night stands, and she's a relationship girl. Frankie acts like she's too exhausted to even attempt to explain this to stupid Robin. Robin interviews that Frankie is judging her without knowing her, because she doesn't have one-night stands. Frankie condescendingly tells Robin to hear her out, and Robin shuts up. Frankie says again that some girls are wild and crazy and can just have sex and not care. She adds, "Like you or me." Robin says she's not like that. Frankie says she's not saying that Robin is like that. Okay, but twice, Frankie has said that Robin is an example of the type of girl she's talking about that likes one-night stands, so I see why Robin is confused. Frankie tries to explain again, and I guess what she's saying is that some girls, like Robin, like to dance on bars and chug whiskey. And some girls of that nature like one-night stands, which is where Robin differs from the archetype. I guess. Frankie intersmarms, "Back up. I'm giving Jamie my opinion on the girls that Randy likes. Robin? It's not always about you." Man, is Frankie self-absorbed. The fact that she could say that with a straight face just kills me.
Robin and Frankie continue to have the same argument for about ten more years. I think Robin, conscious of the cameras, wants to make sure it's stated for the record that she doesn't like one-night stands. I don't see why she cares. I would be more embarrassed that I was arrested for assault than if I had a one-night stand. Robin realizes that she shouldn't take it so personally. Frankie looks like she's about to blow a gasket.
Outside, Frankie screams to Jacquese that Robin drives her nuts. Jacquese points out that Robin is always on the defensive. Frankie yells and screams some more, secretly hoping that everyone in the house will hear and come outside to find out what's going on. Thankfully, no one does. Frankie thinks that Robin is defensive because she knows that she's a drama queen who needs to chill out. Frankie also thinks that Robin knows all these bad things about herself and does nothing to change them. Jacquese thinks that Robin and Frankie are similar. Frankie won't hear it, because all they have in common is pink as a favorite color, and an admiration of Marilyn Monroe. Jacquese says that the only way that the two ladies are similar is that they hate each other, and he thinks it will eventually get physical. Frankie busts out a horrible imitation of Robin as a Valley Girl who only likes to drink and party because she's a Coyote. Like Frankie doesn't just do half the things she does to fit a certain mold. Fuck off, Frankie. Frankie concludes that Robin is "a cheerleader gone bad."