We open on Coral and Mike from The Real World Back to New York, who claim that they just moved out of their house. Mike looks pretty much the same. Coral (and I'm going with Coral instead of Quarrel because I feel that she redeemed herself by the end of the season) has shorter hair that kind of flips up at the ends. I'm not crazy about it. Anyway, Mike says that the members of his cast were the perfect roommates. For example, they were very mature at all times. Cut to footage of The Miz, Coco Loco, and the Teriyaki Terror wrestling. Coral adds that they were always patient with each other, and they show footage of Coral and Mike fighting over who is ruder. Then there are some credits featuring words like "naked" and "drunk" and finally we get the title of the show: "The Real World Guide to Being the Perfect Roommate."
After the short credit sequence, we're back to Mike and Coral, who apparently are our hosts. The editors keep using this effect where, in mid-sentence, it will switch to a different camera angle, and the picture is all yellow-tinted. Dude, this isn't Traffic and you're not Steven Soderbergh, so ease up on the effects. Coral explains that a new season is going to start soon, and they want to prevent the new cast from making the same mistakes made by roommates from the past. But first, Mike says, we need to meet the "seven strangers" who will live together in Chicago.
First up is Theo, who is nineteen. We see some shots from what is presumably his audition tape. Theo explains that he goes to Tuskegee University. In an interview, Theo thinks that he could teach his roommates something about what it's like to be a black man, and that he hopes to represent black men well, because he has an education. Just when you get your hopes up that there will somehow be two seasons in a row with a black male who is not a playa, Theo admits to the interviewer that he's a ladies' man. "Get Ur Freak On" by Missy Elliott plays as we see the many, many women who appeared on Theo's audition tape. Theo says something about "creeping low" and "nasty" that I didn't quite get, partially because it was bleeped in the middle. We're done with Theo now. Mike says that on the Perfect Roommate Scale, he gives Theo a five, because he's cool and down to earth. Coral holds up a ten, then covers up the one and says that she gives Theo a zero. Aw, yeah.
up is Cara, age twenty-two, who likes to flirt. Cara looks like a cross between Sarah Jessica Parker and Blossom. In her audition tape, Cara says that she's been "known to be a little bit promiscuous at times." She points out photos of her ex-boyfriend and then tells an interviewer that he was the only boyfriend she didn't cheat on. Except that she did cheat on him in the first month they were together. But that doesn't count. Hey, I have no problem with women having multiple sex partners. It's when cheating enters into it that I draw the line. So I kind of hate Cara already. Especially when she says that she likes to talk blatantly about sex. Class-ay. Especially when she says that it could potentially turn people on. I find the opposite to be true. Coral gives Cara a five, because she would only be a great roommate if you have a penis. Heh. Mike gives Cara an eight because he does have a penis. Ew. Shut up, Mike. Aren't we finished with you yet?
The roommate is Tonya, age twenty-one, who is from Walla Walla, Washington. Tonya has had plenty of drama in her life. She grew up in foster care, and her friends are her family. Tonya claims that even if her mom is alive, Tonya wants nothing to do with her. In her audition tape, Tonya says that she has a "ghetto booty," and one of her friends begs to differ. We see numerous shots of her ass, which I don't find all that ghetto. Then again, I'm not entirely sure what that means. Tonya seems to have "Love me, Daddy" disease, meaning that she's going to be needy and constantly seeking approval and attention. In other words, a perfect Real World cast member. Coral gives Tonya a five, because while she seems cool, she might need a kick in the ass. Mike gives Tonya a ten, because "Daddy like. Daddy like a lot." Oh my God. I hate Mike so much. He's not funny. Coral? Funny. Mike? Not funny at all.
Aneesa, age nineteen, is the roommate. Aneesa starts right out by saying that her mother didn't want her to go on the show, because the whole world will know that she is gay. Aneesa says that she can't guarantee that she won't date a man ever, but for right now, she's attracted to women. I admire her honesty there, actually. She goes on to say that she's very emotional, and she knows that people will ultimately recognize her as "that bitch from Real World, the one who's always fighting with everybody." Then don't go on the show. Gah. I don't understand people. I especially don't understand why anyone would want to be on this show, especially now, in the eleventh season. Anyway. Aneesa just wants to "be real and...enjoy life." Coral gives Aneesa a ten because "she's already a bitch." Mike gives Aneesa a seven because they both like girls. Seriously. When did Mike turn into Steve Sanders, perpetual horndog? If he starts doing The Miz voice, I swear to God, I'm quitting.
Mike brings up the rule by saying that social gatherings should be quiet, intimate affairs. Coral reads Rule #9: "Leave your friends at home. Nobody likes them!" In Boston, everyone complains about Syrus bringing people over all the time. Syrus complains that it's like he's in prison. I tried to link to that one, but it happened so often that it was kind of useless. Good luck, Wing. ["Pfft, yeah right." -- Wing Chun] In New York, Mike brings friends over, and Coral rolls her eyes. In Miami, Sarah brings all those little kids inside, and Flora and Melissa complain. In Chicago, there will be similar complaints about guests, and then Theo will get in the elevator wearing a towel.
The rule is explained by Mike as being in effect because "beer, wine, and spirits should be consumed in moderation." Coral reads Rule #8: "Don't be a drunk fool. It's not attractive." You know, these all sound like things I've said in various recaps. Or more likely, things that people have said on the forums. Interesting. Of course, they show footage of Ruthie getting drunk and throwing up. It's always fun to make light of someone with a serious drinking problem. I love how, during that season, B/M pretended like they were all concerned about Ruthie, but now they feel fine about showing her drinking with bubbly pop music on the soundtrack, so that we can all laugh at the alcoholic. Then we see Melissa stripping in New Orleans. And Nicole puking in front of Bobby, and then being helped by Coral. In Chicago, they do many shots at a bar. Kerri changes the age that she started drinking to fourteen. I hate her.
Mike says that when going to work, you should have a cheerful attitude. Coral clarifies by reading Rule #7: "Get your ass out of bed, and go to work." Hey, it's the Boston Center for Center Center! And there's Montana getting shit-canned. In Seattle, David gets scolded for his lack of commitment to the radio station. In New York, Coral and Nicole have bad attitudes about work. In Miami, Melissa points out that they can't even get along, so they definitely won't be able to put a business together. In Chicago, some dude yells at Cara because she doesn't know how to swim, and yet she wants to be a lifeguard. She just smiles and acts cute. Oh, boy. This season is going to give me a lot of grist for the mill, I think.
Mike pretends like he's going in for a kiss with Coral, and she slaps him. Mike says that before moving in, it's important to educate yourself about other cultures. Then he leans towards the camera and whispers "Trust me." Oh, okay. Heh. That was funny. Good delivery. Coral reads Rule #4: "Leave the racism and homophobia at the door." Remember in New York when Mike told the story about his racist uncle? I wonder why that never came up again. Oh, wait. It did. In nearly every episode. They really dig through the vaults to find footage of Jon in L.A. expressing surprise that Tami is Muslim. Oh, timely one, editors. In the first New York season, Heather's beeper goes off, and Julie asks if she's a drug dealer. In New Orleans, David and Melissa give Julie a lesson in street slang. In Boston, Sean and Syrus discuss affirmative action. That makes it sound like a much more intellectual conversation than it actually was. But by the end of the season, they were able to joke about it. In Chicago, Tonya hasn't had an "interracial living experience." Oh, Lord. Neither have I, I guess. Well, one of my roommates was Asian, so I guess I have. But why does it matter? Theo tells Aneesa that he doesn't have a problem with lesbians, because it's sexy, but he thinks that gay men are disgusting. Yes, because all lesbians were put on this earth for your sexual pleasure, Theo. Ugh. How can people reach their late teens in this country and think that is okay? I don't get it.
Now, Mike and Coral are holding hands, and she has one leg in his lap. I know I'm kind of obsessed with their postures, but they are seriously all over each other. Mike says that you should end all serious relationships before moving into the house. Coral reads Rule #3: "Your man back home is just that -- back home. Leave him there." That was strangely worded, wasn't it? I guess they couldn't use that hip slang and still make it gender neutral. First up is footage from Seattle of Nathan and Stephanie talking, and then Nathan and Irene wrestling. Aw, I miss David from Seattle. I wish he and Melissa from New Orleans would get a show together. I think that they are my favorite cast members to watch. In Boston, Jason had a girlfriend, but he also liked to tickle Kameelah. And Montana talked to creepy Vaj on the phone, and then he called her a whore and it was fucking awesome! In Chicago, Tonya has a boyfriend, and claims that nothing will change that. Kyle also has a girlfriend at home, but he likes his roommate Kerri "a lot."
Mike tells us that there are some things that should stay private. Coral reads Rule #2: "Don't have sex on TV. People are watching!" Thank you! I know these rules are jokes and all, but seriously, future roommates should listen and learn. In Boston, Kameelah takes Doug into the bedroom to "talk," and her roommates watch on the video monitor. Except that they actually watched Elka and Walter, not Kameelah and Doug. But never let it be said that B/M let the truth stand in the way of a good visual. In Hawaii, Teck brings a stripper home. In New York, Malik and Jisela have sex. What about Mike and his friend from home? That was way more obvious than Jisela and Malik, I thought. Anyway. In Chicago, it looks like Chris hooks up with some dude, and Aneesa hooks up with some lady. Cara says she kissed some guy and he was sweaty, and then brags that she made out with a rock star. Am I supposed to be impressed?
Coral tells us that the last rule is the most important one. Mike leans into the camera, which worked once, but not twice. He whispers that it's important to remain calm when dealing with your roommates. Coral reads Rule #1: "Remember: You're the smart one and everyone else is an idiot." Finally a rule that future roommates will actually follow. We see footage from Miami of Dan and Melissa fighting over the slides, but they skip the part where she called him a "flamer." In the original New York season, Heather and Eric wrestle, which is awesome, because Heather totally beats the pretty boy down. During that season, Kevin and Julie get in a big fight about racism. In New Orleans, Melissa yells, "Time the fuck out!". In L.A., Aaron has to hold David back from Jon. In New York, Nicole waves her finger in Kevin's face. In Boston, Kameelah rolls her eyes and gives some attitude. I can't link that one because it happened in every single episode. In Seattle, Stephen slaps Irene. In Chicago, there will be lots of fights, including Tonya throwing a glass at Theo because he made her feel unsafe.
Mike tells Coral that they broke every one of those rules during their season. Coral advises the Chicago cast to keep their clothes on, and they're out. You know, as much as Mike annoyed me, those two did a really good job. I don't know if they wrote their own lines or what, but their delivery was very natural. Good job, guys!