The series opens, unfortunately, with a videocam shot of Christina gasping, "You're going to get a bunch of people in Paris? Aaaaah! Exciting!" I don't know why she bugs me already. She just does. I think it's because she messes up her hair when she squeals with delight, like she's Lindsey II: Fake Boobaloo. Anyway, suddenly we're in Chicago. In a not-at-all- staged-for-the-cameras shot, Mallory reads from a French phrase book, and practices saying, "Don't touch me." Her mother tries to prompt her to learn how to say what her name is. I'm just going to say right now that I took three years of French in high school and two semesters in college and I still can't speak the language very well, but I might catch a word here or there. Anyway, Mallory is nineteen. Her dad asks if she's packed. She totally lives in a McMansion. I go to our local Parade of Homes (tours of new houses in a development) every year and I swear I toured a house exactly like theirs last year. Anyway, Mallory interviews that she goes to Iowa State University on a soccer scholarship. Or she used to, but she gave up the scholarship to be on The Real World. What a terrible idea. I mean, I personally think it's a bad idea to go on the show at all, but to give up a scholarship? My parents would kill me. Mallory says that her life is very structured and that she hasn't had a chance yet to be spontaneous. So she's planning to be spontaneous? I don't think that's quite how it works.
we move onto Methuen, which the New and Improved Font of Information tells us is a suburb of Boston. Thank God the editors dropped that horrible Comic Sans penchant they had in past seasons. Someone asks Chris if he has everything packed, and he says he does. It occurs to me that we haven't actually seen the roommates in their home atmospheres in many seasons. The last time I remember them starting a season this way was Seattle. I really like it, actually. Chris is twenty-two years old. Chris hugs his mom, who doesn't want him to leave, mostly because she's worried that his flight will crash. She explains that French people don't like Americans, so she can't understand why he would want to go there. And while she's mostly right, you'd think she'd advise her son not to act like an ugly American. But no. Chris's dad drives him to the airport, and advises his son to be careful and keep in touch. Chris interviews that his parents are really important to him and that you can do anything with the love of your family. Chris has serious hair issues. It's like he kind of has a mushroom cut, but then he fried it by using too much Sun-In and a hairdryer, so now it just kind of hangs there. Like it could break off at any moment. And if it did, it would be doing him a favor.
Mallory is also headed to the airport at exactly the same time! Wow! Mallory voice-overs that her parents are probably upset that she's giving up her scholarship. You think? Mallory adds that she wants this experience to be about learning and growing. Judging from past seasons, I think she might learn to be a spoiled brat and grow an alcohol addiction. Mallory and Chris hug their parents goodbye at the airport. Chris's dad makes like that guy from Hill Street Blues and tells Chris, "Just be careful out there." Hee! Paris is "out there." Mallory says that her mom is having trouble letting go of her little girl. Mallory's mom says she'll come to see her daughter in Paris and "pray that everything goes according to God's plan for her." Clearly she didn't get the memo that God is in the tub. Bruce Springsteen sings that it's all right, and I found the use of that song a little offensive since the Boss wrote it as a post-September 11th anthem and they are using it to score some kids flying off to be on a reality show. Whatever, music editors. At least they didn't put in some stupid song about flying on a plane to Paris to meet your roommates. Although if such a song existed, they probably would have used it. For some reason, they show the Statue of Liberty even though Mallory flew out of Chicago and Chris flew out of Boston. Huh? Mallory interviews that she's nervous, but also excited.
The credits feature a voice repeating the traditional "seven strangers" lines in French. The best part is that at the end, Chris whispers, "And start getting real." Why did he whisper? I don't know.
And it's our first Eiffel Tower shot of the season. That didn't take long. We see other French landmarks as French pop music plays in the background. A guy walks along a bridge and some people on a boat cheer to him. Or to the cameras. Bridge-walking guy's name is Ace, and he's twenty-three, and from Statesborough, Georgia. Or it might be Statesboro. I looked it up, and both places exist in Georgia, which seems like it might get confusing. In case you didn't get that Ace is a hick by his name, his hometown, or the fact that he's chomping on some gum while wearing a backwards baseball cap in 2003, the editors helpfully pipe in some banjo music as he walks along. Ace tells us that he knows everyone in his town, and feels like a big fish in a small pond. Hey, no one asked about the size of your fish there, buddy. Keep it in your pants.
Ace and Leah are still on the subway. Leah asks if he has a girlfriend. Ace says he was kind of seeing a girl at home before he left. Leah interviews that Ace reminds her of a guy she used to love. Leah realizes that they are going the wrong way, and tells Ace that they need to get off. They do, and Leah tries to figure out where they should be going. Ace says he's going to let her be in charge, and then he interviews that he did that so that if they got lost, it would be her fault. I think he's kidding. And what is this, The Amazing Race, with the confusing directions and clues about their destination? Just send them in a car to the house and be done with it. Leah asks Ace what he thinks their job will be. Ace says he hasn't had a job in five or six years, but then clarifies that he's his own boss, because he owns three bars. Is that not a job? I guess he means he's never had a regular job-type job. Ace interviews that his "wonderful grandmother" gave him the money to start his first business. Leah asks him who's taking care of his business while he's gone, and Ace says that he has some partners. Leah interviews that she's impressed that Ace has done so much while so young. Ace figures out that they're in the wrong place for their train, and there's some dude behind him who has a look on his face like, "The fuck?" That dude cracked me up.
Mallory and Chris apparently found their train, because they are now on it. Chris asks Mallory what she will do first. Mallory says she wants to explore the city, and go to the Louvre. Chris says, "Niiiiiice. That'll be our first date." I want to like Chris because he reminds me of Seattle David, but so far he's kind of an asshole. Mallory interviews how happy she is. So she's no longer excited and nervous, but happy. Some performers play music on the train, and Chris asks Mallory to dance. She refuses. Chris interviews that Mallory seems nice, and mature for her age. Because he's a whole three years older than her, so he's in a position to be that condescending. Chris concludes that Mallory has a wild side, and needs help letting that out. The train arrives in a suburb, and Mallory and Chris get off. Mallory interviews that the beauty of the neighborhood overwhelms her. They arrive at the house, which is giant and old and made of stone. They're the first to arrive, and they do the traditional running around and squealing. Given the setting, I thought the furnishings would be a little more traditional, but it's your typical Real World house. Except the rooms seem a little smaller than usual. Chris wants to room with Mallory, but she doesn't think they should pick beds until everyone arrives. Mallory opens the window and leans out. I think this is the first house I've seen on this show that had a regular lawn. I guess that's because it's a more suburban setting than usual. Mallory declares that she loves Paris.
Christina, twenty-four, walks down the street rolling her little suitcase behind her. Christina interviews that she's only been in Paris for two minutes and has no idea where she's going. She sees some guy in the street, doing a little dance. Now to me, that says "mentally ill." Although we'll find out later that I'm not that far off. Christina shows the guy her directions and he speaks to her in French, but says he speaks a little English. He can't keep the charade going, and admits that he's one of her roommates, Adam. In an interview, Adam says that he's twenty-three and from Beverly Hills. Christina interviews that she's twenty-four and from Las Vegas. They hug. Christina interviews that she's not a stripper. She's a cocktail waitress, and she's tired of people assuming that just because she has fake boobs and wears revealing clothes and dances on tables in bars that she's a stripper. Adam says he's excited to meet girls, because he wasn't challenged when he went to Stanford, so women are the only challenge in his life. I love how he just casually mentions his alma mater, like you know he wouldn't do that if he went to the University of California like the rest of the people from Beverly Hills. (Or maybe that was just on the show. ["Plus they didn't go to the University of California. They went to 'California University.'" -- Wing Chun]) Christina shares her directions with Adam and they set off. Adam says that he's usually good with directions, but not in France. Because I don't know if you knew this, but in France, east and west are switched around.
Ace and Leah walk up to the house. They don't have very much luggage. I guess it's being shipped or something. Ace points out their house to Leah, and she is psyched. Mallory buzzes them through the gate, and there is much squealing from Leah. Mallory interviews that Leah is awesome, and Chris interviews that he loves Ace already. They all head out back and explore. Ace interviews that Mallory is "really, really beautiful" and details all of her body parts that he finds beautiful. And that would be all of them. I don't really get it, but maybe the camera doesn't pick up her beauty or something. I mean, she's pretty and all, but I actually think Leah is prettier.
Adam and Christina arrive at the center of town, and clarify their directions with a local. They continue wandering aimlessly. Adam has apparently never heard of sidewalks, so he walks down the middle of the street. Christina interviews that Adam is asking people for help, and that she thinks they should ask young people, because they know how to speak English. Wuh? I tried to think of a reason why that would be true, but I really can't. Because young people are smarter? More worldly? More Westernized? They're not in China, for crying out loud. Adam gets directions from a young man who does not speak English and, after the guy leaves, admits that he has no clue what the guy was talking about. Heh.
I'd just like to point out that we're twenty minutes into this hour-long episode and all of the roommates haven't yet arrived at the house. I kind of dig that. Anyway, Adam and Christina flag down some kids on bikes. The kids on bikes lead them to the house. Or at least they think the kids are going to lead them to the house. Seriously, this is such an Amazing Race rip-off. Meanwhile, in another part of town, a young man rides in a car alone while sad-sounding electronic music plays. The young man is Simon, eighteen, from Ireland. I love to analyze how the producers plan for the roommates to arrive at the house for maximum drama. Like clearly they wanted to pair one street-smart person (Chris, Leah) with one hick (Mallory, Ace). And they wanted the four people who, on a surface level, seem the most alike to arrive first so that they could band together and exclude the others. Then they put Adam and Christina together because they're non-white. I guess. And then I imagine that they said, "We need an outsider for the season. Hey, how about having only one non-American in the house? That ought to make him feel isolated. And what about if we make sure he's the only gay guy? Wow, he will really hate his roommates. To cap it off, we'll have him arrive at the house alone so he has no one to bond with on the trip. Awesome." And that's about what happens. Simon interviews that he's nervous to meet the other housemates. Leah and Mallory hug Simon when he walks in. Simon interviews that Americans are enthusiastic about everything. Leah squeals some more when she finds out that Simon is from Ireland. Simon voice-overs that living with six Americans is more of a culture shock to him than being in Paris is.
Leah and Simon sit on a couch and talk while the others play pool. In an interview, Leah says that she thinks Simon bonded with her because he knew he could "be comfortable." I take that to mean he already told her that he's gay. Simon interviews that Leah has "a warm quality." Their conversation is interrupted when Adam and Christina arrive. Adam starts off by complaining about how far they had to walk. Chris introduces himself as "C.T." Whatever. Introductions are made all around. Adam interviews, "Ace is definitely hot and better-looking than I am." Then he realizes that he may have revealed too much, so he adds in, "And C.T. is too." Heh. I think Adam loves him some Ace. Do most straight guys notice how hot other guys are? I asked J-Dawg about this, and he says that he might, but only in terms of scoping out the competition. But he says he probably would have been more focused on the ladies. That J-Dawg. He's a ladies' man. Chris interviews that he thinks Christina is really hot and has a great body.
The roommates scamper about and check out the house. Adam finds the confessional and, as Christina watches, pretends that he's doing a confessional and saying that he can't stand Christina. Adam likes to perform, doesn't he? It shows how old I am that the room that impressed me the most was the kitchen. Like, I seriously paused it and tried to figure out if they were real stone floors or some sort of laminate. And those bitches have copper pots! Adam wants to go through the names again so that he can learn them. He comments that Mallory's name is like Family Ties. What a coincidence! I just watched the Justine Bateman E! True Hollywood Story. I'll sum it up for you. Smart, school, TV show, Leif Garrett, stalker, eating disorder, dropped out of the business, fashion designer, married, baby. Now you don't have to watch it. In a confessional, Adam says that Mallory is hot. Man, what is it about her? She's inherited Joey Potter's IT. Mallory says she wants to go to the Paris Opera, and Adam says that she's cultured. Mallory says she wants to know all she can by the end of the experience. Adam interviews that he wants his wife to look like Mallory, and that he thinks she's beautiful, so all he can think about is that he wants to get to know her. And it's driving him nuts.
Now for the big bedroom debate. Christina and Leah agree that three girls in one room might be "a loooooot of estrogen." Mallory, Leah, and Simon decide to room together. Mallory interviews that she thinks Leah and Simon are a lot of fun. Leah is psyched to have "Simon in [her] life." Adam agrees to their plan but, like, ten minutes later realizes it means that one of the guys will have to room with a girl. Adam interviews that he's already dropped his bags on a bed, and Chris put his bags in the same room. Adam concludes, "Someone's gonna get screwed, and it's gonna be Ace." He's screwed because he has to room with Christina? Whom Chris has already described as hot with a smoking body? Let's see: Adam considers it a punishment to live with a girl, and he thinks Ace is really hot. And who's the gay roommate again? Ace tells Christina that he lived with another female friend, but that it didn't turn out well. But he points out that they have their own bathroom. In a confessional, Ace says he thinks it'll be good to room with Christina, because "she wears her heart on her shoulder." On her shoulder? Sounds painful.
Ace and Adam carry a giant Rubbermaid storage bin into the room. Christina yells that it looks like a coffin. Yes, because coffins are so often made out of plastic. And blue. Maybe in Las Vegas, that's what coffins look like. Ace opens it and starts pulling out a bunch of big hats. Christina laughs and puts on a giant sombrero and starts singing "The Mexican Hat Dance." And trips. Heh. Ace interviews that he brought "a lot of weird stuff" to "lighten the mood." What is he, Carrot Top?
Chris unpacks, and shows Adam that he brought boxing gloves. Chris interviews that he brought boxing gloves so that any disputes could be settled through violence. Adam says that he won't be boxing, because he knows he couldn't take Chris or Ace. He allows that he could probably take Simon. I like Simon and all, but he looks like a stiff breeze could take him. Dude is slight.
Leah sits on Simon's lap in the confessional and they talk to the camera. They are super-cute together. Leah, Simon, and Mallory go into one room, and there are a ton of weird hats around. Do you think when Ace saw that room, he was like, "Damn! And I paid for all of my weird hats to be shipped here!" Meanwhile, Adam and Chris play pool. Adam wonders if Simon "switch-hit[s]," like, the last time I heard that term was on an episode of The Love Boat; just say "bisexual," nerd. Ace says he's "straight as an arrow," and the boys all laugh the Guffaw of Non-Gaydom. Adam says that he's okay with "whatever floats your boat." Testing the waters with Ace, Adam? Meanwhile, Simon is cavorting with Mallory and Leah in the confessional. Like any good gay boy, he watches Charmed, and he invokes the "power of three." Those three look like they are having so much more fun than the boys playing pool.
The roommates primp in preparation for a night on the town. Simon is actually allowed to speak as he interviews that this is their first night out in Paris. Adam and Christina jokingly argue over whether she can hook up with French guy despite the language barrier. Christina says, "Guys don't like it when girls talk anyways!" A true feminist, that. Christina tries to muss up Ace's hair a little bit in the front, which it desperately needs. Ace tells her that she's "messing with Supercuts." Heh. Christina interviews that Ace is funny, and that she wants a guy who can make her laugh. She admits that she's "a little attracted to Ace." Mallory interviews that they are all attracted to Ace, and that she likes him for his good personality. I don't know what Ace has got, but that boy should bottle and sell it. Because it's got to be a pheromone of some sort and that's why I don't get the attraction. Leah interviews that they are all attracted to Ace, and that he has three girls to pick from.
The roommates head to the train station. Simon lights up. My boy! Christina interviews that everyone felt too awkward to ask Simon about his sexuality. Maybe because it's irrelevant and none of their business? Simon interviews that he doesn't feel the need to announce that he's gay, because he doesn't expect the other roommates to announce that they are straight. Christina tells Simon that she knows the other guys don't mind that he's gay, and that she knows this because she talked to them about it. Well, it's so nice of them to give their permission for Simon to gay it up. Christina congratulates herself because her "gaydar is perfect." Yes, it really takes a finely tuned instrument to tell that Simon is gay. Simon interviews that he feels relieved to have it out in the open, but that he is a little anxious because he doesn't know what the others said about it. That would be a little disconcerting to have someone say, "We've all been discussing you, and we mostly think you're okay."
The roommates arrive in Paris. Eiffel Tower Shot Deux. Mallory sighs that the city is so beautiful. Eiffel Tower Shot Trois. Simon and Mallory hug and Mallory says she's going to stick with him. Simon kisses her head and tells her to stick with him and Leah. Mallory interviews that it's great that they are all together at the club. Simon interviews that they are all dressed up and ready to have fun. They go to a club called "Le Paris," which seems a bit unimaginative. Adam promises to make sure that Ace gets home. And by "home," he means, "into my bed." Christina interviews that she loves Paris at night, and that she could care less about the language and what other people think. At a club, the roommates sit around and drink. And dance. As you do. Suddenly, Christina is up on the bar, dancing. Chris points her out to the others. Chris interviews that they are "all ready to bug out." Leah joins Christina on the bar. Chris yells at them to take it off. Leah points at Ace and dances "seductively." Chris interviews that "Leah has been sweating Ace" and that she doesn't care if Ace knows it, because "she wants him bad." Leah tells Ace that she wants to bite his butt while he's sleeping. What? When did this turn into a David Lynch movie? It's like they took what she actually said, and then translated it into French and then back into English, because what? Ace says he's never had his ass bitten before. I'm so shocked by this conversation that I totally missed that the editors have gone back to the Dreaded Comic Sans Font of Captioning for this conversation. Leah says that she has to kiss him first. Ace says he won't kiss a smoker. Ace interviews that smoking is his biggest turnoff, and that the smell disgusts him. And he owns three bars? Cut to Leah, smoking. And telling Ace to fuck off. No, not the second part.
Christina hails a cab. Wait, there are cabs? So why did everyone have to walk from the center of town to their house with the luggage and all? Adam and Ace hang back. Ace says he's not sure if Leah is being serious with the flirting. Adam thinks that Leah is drunk, but that she's also serious. Ace confesses that he's in love with a girl from home, and that he thinks he wants to marry her. Adam is all, "Oh, Ace!" like he's disappointed that Ace wants to get married. Hmm. Ace interviews that he was dating Katie before he left, and that they didn't really discuss the status of their relationship, so he's scared to do anything that might ruin it. Adam interviews that he "envies Ace to the fullest" and is "looking for what Ace apparently has right now." Yes, Adam is definitely looking for what Ace has, if you know what I mean. Adam interviews that Ace is "willing to forego opportunities here in Paris" for this girl. Adam and Ace get their own cab for some reason. Adam says that he's digging Mallory. Ace thinks Adam just likes Mallory because she's unattainable. Why is she unattainable? I mean, besides the obvious reason that Adam is not very attractive and kind of a jerk. Adam interviews that he just wants to get to know Mallory more. Ace says that Mallory is a virgin, young, and pretty, and that she's not interested in any of the roommates. Ace concludes that Adam wants what he can't have. And then a big neon sign appears with an arrow pointing to Ace and it reads, "What Adam Wants (But Can't Have)" Or it would if I were editing the show.
The morning, Adam screams to Mallory that she has a phone call. Mallory, who seems totally hung over, asks Adam to take a message. Adam talks to Mallory's mom, who says that she knows Mallory likes to "party hearty." Mallory's mom continues to humiliate her daughter on national television by revealing that Mallory was voted runner-up for Biggest Partier in high school, and that they like to tease her that if she didn't play sports, she would've been first. Adam seems shocked and intrigued by this news. Adam interviews that Mallory has an "exciting and intriguing" side of her that he wants to get to know better, but that he doesn't want to be "overzealous" and chase her around the house. Then there's a montage of Adam practically chasing Mallory around the house. Wow, he's really annoying.
Adam sits in his room and sings to himself. He voice-overs that he uses his writing as therapy to get out his frustrations. So I imagine this song is about Ace? In a confessional, Adam wears a stupid bowler hat and sings (or raps) his song. It goes:
I will not be afraid to lie
I will not be afraid to cry
I will not be afraid inside
And I will not hide my family pride.
I will not eat them in a box.
I will not eat them with a fox
Okay, I might have added in those last two lines. And also, huh? It's no "Come on Be My Baby Tonight." It's barely even as good as "The Tanky Song." Adam interviews that his father is a member of The Commodores (not Lionel Richie). Adam voice-overs that he doesn't think he'll ever be as successful or as good as his dad. Well, given that his dad was responsible for "Brick House," I think that's a pretty good bet. In the confessional, Adam continues his song:
I will not be afraid of this place
Or afraid of a girl who requires a chase
He's afraid of girls? Thought so. Later, Mallory and Adam play pool. Adam says that he wrote a song, which to me is really just him hoping that she'll ask to hear it. Like, just ask if she wants to hear it, dude. Adam says he hopes to write a song every week. God, I hope we don't have to hear them all. Mallory says that she only writes poetry when she's emotional. Adam says that it feels therapeutic, and that even if his song sucks, he feels better after writing it. Mallory asks if she can hear it. Adam interviews that he has a connection with Mallory, and that it's wonderful that she's interested in the song. Mallory interviews that Adam's song is a way for him to express his feelings. Adam pretends he just remembered that the song is partially about Mallory, and is all obvious about saying that there's one part he can't sing for her. Mallory laughs and jokes, "Oh, I wonder what that's about, then." Adam can't just let it lie, and has to say that it's about her. Back in the confessional, we are tortured by more of this "song".
I'm sick of hooking up and not remembering names
But I'm also sick of hiding feelings, playing the games.
But I will not be afraid to quit
If a girl's not feeling me and giving me shit
That truly is a masterpiece for our times. Hey, he didn't have to go and perform it in the confessional. He could've kept it to himself.
Eiffel Tower Shot Quatre. Ace and Leah hang out in Ace's room. Ace complains that his room is dirty. Already? He shows Leah a picture of his mom. Ace interviews that his mother died of breast cancer three years ago. Ace says that his mom was like his sister, and that she gave him advice. He adds that he's scared that he'll get married and his wife will get breast cancer. That's actually kind of sad. Ace says that it was painful to see his mom go through that, and that she fought cancer for thirteen years. Leah looks glum as the Sad Music of Ace's Dead Mom plays. Because B/M is all about exploiting family tragedy for good television. Later, Leah tells Mallory about Ace's mom, and adds that Leah always wears a pink ribbon to promote awareness of breast cancer. She does? This is the first time I've noticed it. Now I'm totally going to be looking for it. Leah interviews that breast cancer is her cause. Leah tells Mallory that she thinks Ace's problems with smoking are cancer-related. Or that he hates the smell, which is what he said. Leah feels like every time she smokes, she's reminding Ace of his mom, and that she feels bad. Well, that might be taking it a little far. She shouldn't smoke, sure. In a confessional, Leah says that she keeps remembering Ace talking about his wife potentially dying of breast cancer. Later, Ace and Leah walk outside. Leah says that she's going to quit smoking, and Ace says he's happy for her. Again, quitting smoking? Good. Quitting smoking for this reason? Weird. But I guess anything that gets her to quit is good. Ace interviews that he'll try to help Leah out. Leah interviews that Ace is reason enough for her to quit.
In rapid succession, we get Eiffel Tower Shots Cinq, Six, et Sept. The roommates go out to a club, dancing. Adam dances goofily with Mallory, who laughs and laughs. Adam interviews that he's a goofball and that he tries to make things fun. Adam dances around like a clown, trying to keep Mallory's attention. She stops looking at him to take a drink, and he keeps yelling her name. Adam interviews that he gets infatuated quickly, and that Mallory has everything he looks for in a woman. Mallory dances while Simon (I think) grabs her from behind and totally feels her up. Mallory interviews that she likes to party and that she's outgoing. She adds that when she's out, she usually ends up making out with someone. As you do. Mallory dances with Simon, and he asks some guy's name. The guy's face is blurred, and he still manages to look totally cheeseball. His name is Dre. I guess we're supposed to think Simon was trying to hook Mallory up, but maybe he was looking to hook up himself. Adam, meanwhile, is dancing with some other girl, but keeps turning to check out what Mallory is up to. Mallory squeezes Dre's arm and laughs. Adam interviews that he can look in a woman's eyes and tell if she's attracted to him, and that he knows Mallory isn't. So what's the big? She's not. Move on.
The roommates sit on the train, going home. Adam keeps glaring at Mallory. Adam interviews that he wants to have somebody (Ace), and when he can't, he gets frustrated and upset, which leads to anger. Didn't Yoda give a speech about that in The Phantom Menace? Is Adam going to turn into Darth Vader now? We come in on the middle of a conversation between Mallory and Adam. We have no idea what they were talking about, but they disagree on something. Adam starts yelling at Mallory to show some emotion. Chris interviews that Adam resents Mallory because he doesn't think he has a chance with her. Adam accuses Mallory of being a zombie. Leah tells Adam to leave her alone as they all stand to exit the train. Simon looks pissed. Mallory looks amused. Simon interviews that he was a bit shocked. Chris interviews that he told Adam to relax. Leah assures Mallory that she's shown a lot of emotion. Adam takes the escalator with his boyfriend, Ace. Christina privately tells Adam that she's the least sensitive roommate, so if she thought Adam was out of line, he definitely was. Chris agrees. Adam walks over and apologizes to Mallory, and she tells him that it's fine. Chris, not helping things, is totally hugging up to Mallory at the time. Mallory, probably a little drunk, stumbles over her words and says she doesn't like... Adam interrupts to say that he doesn't like her and that's fine. Everyone starts talking at once. Adam interviews that he's angry because he knows he's not important to anyone in the house. He adds, "I make my friends' lives better at home, jut being me, and I don't have that here." Haven't they barely been there two days? And he wants to be important to them already? Hello?
Ace interviews that he doesn't want people in the house to hate each other. Once they get home, Ace announces that they are all going to get into the Jacuzzi. Of course they are. I can't believe they haven't yet. It turns out that the Jacuzzi is outside, and that they have to fill it up with a hose, which they run from a sink upstairs through the window. That seems like a lot of trouble. ["Seriously. This place has a lawn, but doesn't have an outdoor water faucet?" -- Wing Chun] Chris interviews that Ace is about having a good time. Ace is suddenly wearing a Viking helmet. Simon tells Christina that he's not getting in the hot tub because it's quarter to 4 in the morning, but he's smiling about it. Bye, Simon!
The hot tub is full and bubbling, and Chris, Christina, Ace, and Leah are in it. Leah asks Ace what his real name is. Ace says it's Clyde Allen. Leah thinks his name is sexy. Of course she does. They're all drinking wine. Christina interviews that Leah has openly stated that she wants Ace. Speaking of wanting people, Christina is pretty much sitting on Chris's lap. Chris interviews that Leah knows what she wants and knows how to get it, "or she thinks she knows how to get it." Someone on the forums pointed out that Chris's biggest problem is that he has a really low hairline, or a really small forehead, like Laura on Sorority Life. I think mimsy61 termed it a "threehead." So true. Ace suggests that they have a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest. Wow, that was really fun the last time I did it...in the fourth grade. are they going to try to name cereals underwater and then the other person has to guess it and then Ace will go, "Trix" and Leah will guess it right but Ace will claim that he was really saying "Kix." Okay, maybe that was just me. Ace and Christina go underwater. Leah announces that she's going to bite Ace's butt. When she was talking about it earlier, I thought she was kidding. She wasn't kidding. She totally bites his butt. Ace surfaces and says that he just had his ass bit. Yes, you did. Ace interviews that he thinks Leah just likes scaring him. Or something. We don't get to see how Leah explains that one to everyone else.
Suddenly, Ace and Adam are alone in the hot tub. Is this Adam's dream sequence? Leah talks to her friend Dawn on the phone, and briefs her on the roommates. Leah says that Ace is really cute, and that she told him they should "get the job done." Ace told her that she was really straightforward, and now Leah thinks she scared him and he won't talk to her. So fuck him. I mean, not literally. Forget him. If that's how Leah is -- straightforward -- and Ace doesn't like it, there are tons of other guys out there. Adam asks Ace why he doesn't "hook up with "what's-her-name." He doesn't know Leah's name yet? Dawn tells Leah to make a peace offering, and Leah says she can't keep her hands off Ace. Dawn suggests that Leah bite his butt, and Leah sadly says, "I did." Hee! That leads me to believe that her group of friends jokes about biting butts all the time, which makes it a little less weird. I guess.
Back in the hot tub, Adam wants to talk to Ace about jerking off. No, really. Adam asks Ace if he's going to jerk off. Ace says he's going to do it about three times a day. Adam says he will too, and barely restrains himself from suggesting they do it together. Adam says that Leah understands that there will be no significant relationship with Ace, so hooking up with her is just like jerking off. Wow. I can't believe he has trouble with women, when he's so sensitive and doesn't objectify them at all. What an asshole. Ace thinks that there would still be strings attached. Ace thinks that if he had approached Leah the first day and suggested a relationship, she would have blown him off, because "girls love what they can't have." Ace is all about people wanting what they can't have. That's like his life theory.
Ace walks into the house naked with the Viking hat over his package. Mallory yells that Leah would want to see it, so clearly everyone in the house knows about her crush. Ace walks through the house and everyone laughs. I don't think Leah ever did get to see it, though.
Ace and Chris play pool. Chris has, like, ten million stocking caps, which in his case is actually a good thing, although you'd think he's just cut that stupid hair instead. But he actually matches his hats to his outfits, like the gray one with the red stripe goes with the gray shirt and the black one goes with the black leather jacket. Ace says he doesn't know if he's ready to be in a long-distance relationship even though he loves Kate. Chris says that if Kate can tolerate him and he thinks it'll work, he should give it a shot. Ace laughs. Ace interviews that he's confused about "the whole Kate situation," and that he can see himself being with her, but that five months is a long time. Ace calls Kate and tells her that he loves and misses her. She says she's going to come see him. They try to make it out like Leah is trying to listen in while she plays pool, but I don't think she's anywhere near the phone. Leah interviews that Ace knows she's attracted to him, but that she knows there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Ace and Kate say that neither of them is dating anyone now, and agree that neither of them will date anyone else while Ace is in Paris. Ace adds that there's no one in the house he's attracted to, which was kind of like saying that he'll be faithful to Kate for now, since there's no one better around. Simon interviews that Leah feels insecure because Ace doesn't like her that way.
That night, Simon says in a confessional that they need some group unity, and that he would feel better if there weren't "issues bubbling between people." They've been there three days! Doesn't the whole "we need group unity" thing usually not surface until the fourth episode or so? Adam interviews that he doesn't have a snowflake's chance in hell with Mallory. The roommates are all drinking and playing pool. Adam yells that people are only on earth to procreate and that love is bullshit. Whoa. Issues, man. Chris interviews that Adam's anger is like "a tidal wave, slowly forming." Adam says that girls can get sex whenever they want it. Christina yells that it's not true. Adam tells Leah, "You may not be able to get it from Ace right now, but you can get it." Talk about naming the elephant in the corner. Oh no he didn't! Everyone's face falls. Christina interviews that Adam's remark was "like an open-face slap." As opposed to a slap when the face is closed? Adam stammers that Ace is "the top .001%." Adam loves Ace so much.
I admire what Leah does here. She could run out of the room crying, but instead she stands up for herself at first. Leah asks if Adam is saying she can't get a top-notch guy. Adam says he is, and Leah says he's dead wrong. Adam says that "Ace might be able to win, like, Mr. Gorgeous." Leah asks Adam what he's saying. Adam says that Leah is too picky and that she can't have Ace. He starts yelling, "You can't have Ace!" Maybe Ace should tell Adam to shut the hell up. Leah tells Adam that she can get a guy like Ace, and invites Adam to come to New York and hang with her. She adds that he wouldn't be able to get a hot chick. I'm leaving out a lot of the "could not, could too" type stuff, but just know that there is a lot of that, and no one else is talking but Adam and Leah at this point. Adam stops and considers for a moment what he's going to say. Lest you think it was spur-of-the-moment. Adam says, "Ace, hot to the world. You throw yourself at him and you don't have an iceberg's chance in hell with Ace. He wouldn't fuck you with my dick, all right? That's the fact." Then they show footage of everyone looking uncomfortable as Leah walks away and Adam at least looks a little bit like, "What the fuck did I just say?"
Ace gets up and follows Leah out. Ace interviews that he's not at all flattered and that he thinks the whole thing is terrible. So why didn't he tell Adam to shut up? Leah runs downstairs and Ace follows. She says she doesn't want to talk right now. Ace grabs her and pulls her into a hug, assuring her that Adam didn't mean to be so mean. I think he did, actually. Adam tells the others that because of Leah's reaction, he got out of control. Still not taking responsibility for his actions, I see. Mallory interviews that Adam doesn't think before he speaks and is a bit of a hothead. Ace tells Leah that Adam isn't good with words and doesn't know how to talk. I think Ace is just making shit up at this point. Chris interviews that Adam doesn't think before he speaks. Adam stands at the top of the stairs, looking down. Adam interviews that his frustrations had been building, and unfortunately he took it out on the wrong person, because Leah didn't deserve that. And Mallory did? Because she did what to him again? Leah cries that she just wants to go to bed, and Ace offers to tuck her in. Adam's all jealous. Mallory tells Adam that he got too personal, and that he has to understand why that hurt Leah. Adam says he does. Adam interviews that his mother tells him to think fast and talk slow, but instead he thinks fast and talks fast and it's always caused him problems. Leah sobs in her bed. Mallory suggests that Adam just give Leah space and time. Adam realizes that whenever he apologizes, he's still the asshole. At least he knows that. Leah continues to sob.
This season on The Real World: Ace organizes a limbo contest. Chris thinks Christina is wild, and they kiss. Ace thinks Mallory is pretty, and they kiss. Their job will be to write a travel guide. They travel to Switzerland, Venice, and Rome. Chris and Christina get into a fight. Adam yells. Mallory gets drunk. I think Adam and Ace get in a fight. Woo!