There's no “previously” segment, and I'm going to skip recapping what will happen "tonight on Real World" because I'm just going to recap it in a minute anyway, so why bother?
CJP and Kyle go to a restaurant. In fact, this might be the same footage from when they went to a restaurant while Keri was in New Orleans -- that footage of CJP sucking a drink through a straw looks awfully familiar. Kyle asks, "So what's the deal with Jared?" Well, he ate some veggie subs at Subway and lost a lot of weight, and now he does commercials for Subway, even though to me it looks like recently he's put a little of the weight back on, and I am so waiting for the E! True Hollywood Story where a really fat Jared tells the interviewers that he couldn't take the pressure and started pigging out on Big Macs one day. Oh, they meant CJP's ex-boyfriend Jared. Never mind. Anyway, CJP doesn't answer, and Kyle says something about CJP marrying Jared. In an interview, CJP says that people often ask whether she thinks that she and Jared will date again, and she doesn't know the answer to that question. What "people" ask her that question? CJP tells Kyle that if Jared asked her to marry him right now, she would probably say yes. Kyle thinks that's "heavy." When did Kyle turn into a refugee from the '70s? Is he going to tell CJP that they need to rap about her groovy relationship?
CJP tells Kyle that she wants to move to California, audition for sitcoms, make a pilot, and "be Grace on Will and Grace, essentially." I will never understand why people with acting aspirations go on this (or any) reality show. It never works out. I mean, sure Teck and Jacinda have had the odd acting job here or there, but no former RWer has gone on to fame and fortune. This show is not a stepping stone to a career in the entertainment business. ["However, I did recently hear from a reliable source that Bunim-Murray Productions has a habit of hiring ex-Real World and Road Rules cast members to, like, work in their offices, logging tapes and stuff, like being on the shows is basically a glorified internship, at the end of which you get a job making Jon Murray's lattes or something." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, CJP says that her acting career seems a lot more important now because it's now "potentially real." CJP says that if she stayed with Jared, she would be just like Tonya right now. In an interview, Kyle says that now that CJP's out of her relationship with Jared, she is "kind of like a kid in a candy store, in the big city, but she misses her favorite flavor." Oh, spare me the lame metaphors. Kyle asks why Jared won't come to Chicago to visit, and CJP says that, to Jared, Chicago represents everything that came between them. Kyle suggests that they all go to St. Louis for a visit, and CJP nearly wets herself with excitement.
Back in the loft, CJP calls Jared and tells him that she might come to St. Louis with her roommates, and she was wondering if Jared was interested in meeting them or seeing her. She doesn't even leave him time to respond before rushing to say that she just wanted to let him know that she was going to be in town. In an interview, CJP says that breaking up with Jared was the most selfish thing she's ever done in her life, and that she was supposed to move to New York and live with him, but instead of getting on the plane to New York, she "terminated the relationship." It seems odd to me that she said "terminated" there. CJP adds that Jared is really bitter that she broke up with him. Jared says that he can't promise anything, and then asks if they can go out, just the two of them, and get a drink. CJP says she would love that. In an interview, CJP says that she really needs to see Jared again to find out if it's really over, or if they have the potential of getting back together. CJP and Jared hang up, and CJP holds the phone to her mouth in a pose that is meant to look "thoughtful" but really looks "constipated."
Aneesa, Keri, Theo, Kyle, and CJP pack their bags to go to St. Louis. Aneesa runs through a checklist of things she needs to take with her, including Bactine. Why does she need Bactine? ["Maybe she's scared something will bite her in the ass if she pees in an alley in St. Louis." -- Wing Chun] Tonya tells CJP she's excited that they all get to go away. CJP is sad that Tonya can't go, but Tonya explains that she needs to work at the restaurant. In an interview, Tonya reminds us that she has "endless medical debt," and she needs to work so that she can pay it off. Tonya tells CJP to make sure to miss her. In an interview, CJP says she knows that Tonya needs to work, but that it makes her nervous that even if Tonya didn't have a job, she wouldn't come with them. I still will never understand why all of these people feel like they have to be best buddies. So what if Tonya doesn't want to go? Chris and Theo hug goodbye. In an interview, Keri explains that Chris's grandmother died, so he won't be going to St. Louis either. Tonya tells Justin on the phone that she would love to go to St. Louis, but she can't, and she's upset that her roommates are trying to make her feel guilty about it. Are they, though? In an interview, Aneesa says they invited Tonya to go, but that she would rather stay alone in the apartment, because she's a hermit. Okay, far be it from me to defend Tonya ever, but she said that she has to work, and frankly, who wouldn't want to stay in that apartment all alone? Maybe I'm a little defensive because I'm kind of a hermit as well. Hermits unite! Except we could never have any meetings, because none of us want to leave the house. Anyway.
The St. Louis-bound roommates take off, with Kyle at the wheel. That night, Tonya talks to someone on the phone about how much she likes being alone in the house, without all of the drama and bitching. In an interview, Tonya says that the house is really different without anyone else there, and that she enjoys it. Tonya tells her phone conversation partner that she's not trying to become a new person, because she kind of likes who she is. Meanwhile, in the van, Theo yells out, "Tonya has fake boobies! Her boobies are not real." Everyone giggles. Kyle tries to pretend he doesn't know what Theo is talking about. I would love to hear the conversation that led up to Theo yelling that out. CJP says that her own hair color is not real. Keri yells out that Tonya's eye color is fake, too, and CJP adds that Tonya's hair color is not real either. Ah, talking shit. One of my favorite pastimes. But I try not to do it on camera. You know, because so much of my life is lived on camera. Aneesa says that Tonya shouldn't lie about her artificial parts, nor should she brag about them, and theorizes that Tonya is trying to make up for something going on in her head. CJP tries to make nice by saying that those are Tonya's beauty secrets, which is why she doesn't reveal them. Aneesa disagrees, and says something that is half-bleeped and I don't understand about something being "meaty and not salty." Theo dies laughing.
Just when you might have started to feel bad for Tonya, there is a screen wipe to Tonya still on the phone, saying that Aneesa is "a spoiled, self-centered, little bitch." Back in the van, Kyle says that it's "a little bit lame" to talk about Tonya behind her back. Well, Kyle would know all about things that are a little bit lame. In reality, he just doesn't want to look bad on camera. Aneesa points out that they all talk about each other, but Kyle doesn't think it's usually this bad. Screen wipe to Tonya, on the phone, saying that she's not attracted to Kyle at all, because he's "a dumb football player" who picks his nose all the time. Aneesa says that there's something fishy about Tonya's story about not knowing her own mother's name, since Tonya lived with her mother until Tonya was twelve. Keri tries to make the point that forgetting her mother's name was a coping mechanism for Tonya, after she was abused. Aneesa outyells Keri to say that she had a lot of problems growing up and still knows her mother's name, and Theo agrees with that. Back home, Tonya tells someone (God, I hope she's not talking to Justin, because the first time I watched it, I totally thought it was a woman's voice) that Keri is "a spoiled, stuck-up little bitch." Tonya says that Keri always talks about how she always had a maid growing up, so she thinks she shouldn't have to clean up after herself now. Also, Keri thinks that girls shouldn't take out the trash, and she likes to shop at Gucci. I find it weird that we've never seen Keri act like that, and I think maybe Tonya has her own issues with money.
Back in the van, CJP insists that Aneesa might be on to something, but that it's none of their business, and Tonya doesn't owe them the full truth anyway. Back on the phone, Tonya says that CJP has "slept with like eight, nine, ten people since [they've] been there," and that she takes antidepressants while she drinks like a lush, and has "a raging eating disorder." Wow. That's a lot of venom for someone who has been nothing but nice to Tonya, as far as we know. I mean, I could see if Tonya were mean about Aneesa, who has been kind of bitchy to her, but CJP? That's just mean. Back in the van, Aneesa says that she loves Tonya and thinks she's a good person, but that Tonya annoys her, and there are things about Tonya that Aneesa doesn't understand. Screen wipe back to Tonya who says that because of the way she talks shit, she deserves everything anyone will ever say about her. That whole sequence was hilarious, but I really didn't see anyone but Aneesa and Theo talking shit. Keri joined in a bit at first, but it seemed like the rest of the scene was Keri, CJP, and Kyle trying to defend Tonya to Aneesa. And I wonder if Tonya thought about the fact that her conversation was being recorded. Because, duh. I also wonder if she said anything about Chris, but that it wasn't shown since he wasn't in this episode.
The roommates arrive in St. Louis and check out the Arch. They get to CJP's house and joke that there are so many lights on, it looks like it's glowing. In an interview, Theo tells us that CJP is really happy and excited to see Jared. They all walk in and get hugs from CJP's mom. Kyle totally checks out Mama CJP's ass when she walks away. CJP immediately gets on the phone and calls Jared to tell him that they have arrived. In an interview, CJP says that she's anxious to see Jared because they haven't seen each other since before they broke up. So she broke up with him on the phone? Dude, that's harsh. CJP tells Jared to come over.
Jared finally arrives, and he's...okay. He's very muscular, like a body-builder type, which is not really a look I go for. In an interview, Aneesa says that CJP and Jared are cute together, and he hugs her like he misses her, instead of like he wants to fuck her. That was a strange way of putting it. Kyle greets Jared and CJP cries out, "Oh my God! I'm just really excited to see you two together!" Shut up, CJP. She really is an attention whore. Not that I should be surprised, but why did she have to insert herself into Kyle and Jared's introduction? In an interview, Kyle says that Jared is "polite, intelligent, outspoken," which is exactly he would expect from CJP's boyfriend. The roommates gather for dinner, and Kyle compliments Mama CJP on the "spread." I hate that he just used the word "spread." He's such an Eddie Haskell. CJP asks Jared about his new, bigger physique. Jared says that he had nothing better to do than lift weights. Oh, let's have a pity party. In an interview, CJP says that she doesn't want to be sad for Jared, and she knows that he had a hard summer, but she needs to hear him say that he's okay. So, she doesn't care if he is actually upset, but she just cares about her own peace of mind? Typical.
After dinner, CJP's family, Jared, and the roommates hang out in someone's bedroom. CJP and Aneesa sing a song. They're pretty good, but it's so incredibly awkward to see the two of them singing a capella while everyone else just sits there and kind of smiles. In an interview, CJP says that Jared is supportive of her career aspirations and wants her to try out for everything. In an interview, Kyle says that it's easy to see the love between CJP and Jared, but then he remembers that they haven't seen each other since they broke up. The song finally ends and people applaud. Mama CJP says something and wow, she totally had a nose job.
CJP goes to see Jared play flag football, possibly with his fraternity members. In an interview, CJP says that Jared is handsome and cute, and that people search their whole lives to find someone like him. The game ends and Jared and CJP hug. In an interview, CJP says that being with Jared was the closest she has come to finding "the fairy tale," but she wonders if there is more out there. Well, if she wonders that, then she shouldn't be with Jared, because she's always going to wonder, and that's not fair to him. What she needs to do is stop apologizing for it all the damn time.
Then they show the Arch twice in a row, which makes me glad that they haven't had a season here yet, because apparently there is nothing else to show in St. Louis. In a car, CJP tells her mom that she thinks that she and Jared might be able to be friends. Her mom says that's fine as long as Jared and CJP both feel the same way. CJP says that it's not easy for either of them. Her mom adds that it's the wrong time in their lives. CJP's dad is there too, driving the car. I thought he lived in another state or something? God, it seems so long ago that he was on the show. In an interview, CJP says that the members of her family think she has talent, and encourage her to pursue an entertainment career. CJP explains that she just wants to move to L.A., and she thinks that if she gets out there, she will be able to make it. Yeah, you and eight million other wannabe actors, girlfriend. Good luck with that.
CJP's family, the roommates, and Jared all go out to dinner. CJP's dad offers up a toast, and they all clink glasses. The food arrives. Filler, filler, filler. They try to make it out like CJP and Jared are rekindling their romance by glancing across the table at each other and smiling, but I'm not buying it. Somewhere in like the lobby or something, Theo and Jared have a little talk. Jared explains that CJP was supposed to move to New York with him, but instead she broke up with him over the phone, two days before she was supposed to go. So harsh. Also, why isn't he in New York now? In an interview, Theo says that Jared is the guy for CJP, and CJP even knows it. He thinks that Jared treats CJP with respect, and CJP is still in love with him, so Theo thinks it will all work out.
Dinner ends. CJP asks Jared if he has any plans. Jared says that she's leaving in the morning, so he'd just like to spend time with her. My question is, what are the other roommates doing while CJP is hanging out watching Jared play flag football or taking long walks? That seems kind of rude. CJP and Jared agree to hang out together. CJP moves in for a hug and whispers something in Jared's ear that makes him laugh. Outside, Theo dances with Mama CJP and everyone laughs.
CJP and Jared walk to Jared's dorm. Jared says that they are going to have to have a talk. In an interview, Kyle explains that they are going to Jared's dorm room, where CJP spent much of her senior year and about which, therefore, she has a million memories. So why don't they go somewhere else? Kyle says that it will be an emotional thing for her and for Jared, and he thinks they have a lot of things to get off their chests. Why is Kyle the narrator of Jared and CJP's relationship? Jared and CJP reach Jared's door, and CJP acts all exasperated that they are going inside. What did she think was going to happen while they walked up the stairs? That they were going to have their talk out in the hall? She's such a drama queen.
CJP lies in Jared's bed, fully clothed, but under the covers. Jared sits on the edge of the bed and tells her that it was "really nice" to see her this weekend. CJP says that she didn't think he would be able to be part of this weekend. Jared says that he needed to see her, because he hadn't since before they broke up, and it's been "the toughest four months of [his] life." CJP pouts. Jared continues, "When I needed somebody the most, when I had no reason for living at all, I needed you, and you weren't there. Not only were you not there for me, you were the cause of it." Pack your bags, CJP, because you're going on a guilt trip. Man. I can understand Jared feeling that way, but he's pretty bitter. Jared says that he hates the way she ended it. CJP says it was hard, because she didn't have a "substantial reason." Needing to live her own life isn't a substantial reason? CJP says that the situation is gray, and that he's definitely good enough for her, and that he probably deserves better than her. In an interview, CJP says that it's clear to her that she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, and if she wanted a boyfriend, she would be with Jared. I don't see why she has to apologize for that continually. CJP tells Jared that now is the time for her to be selfish, and to try to make it on her own. CJP adds that she's doing it now, and that it feels really good. Jared says it hurts that she's doing it without him. Jared adds that maybe they will get back together in two months, or two years, or in twenty-five years, but until that happens, she'll be a memory. Wow, that talk had very little conflict for something they hyped so much.
The morning, Jared says goodbye to the roommates. In an interview, Theo says that Jared can come and live with them and kick Tonya out. In an interview, Keri says she thinks it's cool that CJP and Jared are being adult about things, and that they know they love each other but that the timing is off. CJP and Jared walk outside to say their private goodbye. Well, private goodbye except for the cameras. CJP is really bow-legged. I think she would look a little better if she had a little more meat on her bones, but that's just me. CJP says how happy she is that they had this weekend. Jared agrees that it was wonderful. CJP hugs him and says she's glad to know that he'll be fine. In an interview, CJP says that when they broke up, Jared wasn't fine, but now she feels like he's doing well, which is a relief. CJP tells Jared that she doesn't want to leave him, but Jared says that it's time to move on. They hug and kiss. Jared gets into his SUV and slowly pulls away. CJP watches him go. In an interview, CJP says that she doesn't know what will happen with her and Jared, since she'll be in L.A., and he'll be in St. Louis, but they both have said that if it's meant to be, it'll be. I don't think that's true, and it veers awfully close to the horrific soulmate concept, but whatever. The roommates pile into the van and wave goodbye to CJP's family.
In the van, the roommates giggle that Tonya is probably on the phone. In an interview, Aneesa says she thinks that Tonya was on the phone the entire time they were gone, and will still be on the phone when they get home. The roommates arrive home and joke about how they will tell Tonya to get off the phone. They aren't sure if Tonya is even there, or if she's at work. Theo bitches about how he's going to make Tonya give up the phone. CJP tries to make nice, as usual, saying that they all love the phone. The elevator arrives at the loft, and sure enough, Tonya is on the phone. Kyle sings a song about Walla Walla, and Tonya hangs up.
week: Theo goes off on Tonya about how she milks her illness to make people feel sorry for her, and Tonya begs one of her roommates to make Theo stop. Tonya tells someone (Chris?) that she's going back to Walla Walla. Please? Justin arrives at some point, and mixes it up with Theo. Kyle says that if they start fighting, he has to go in there and break it up. Fight! Fight! And yet, somehow I doubt Tonya will leave, or that there will even be a fight. Stupid promos.