Saaaaail-ing! Takes me away...Sorry, I was having a Christopher Cross moment. Remember when N*Sync did a cover of that song on some awards show and they were all on harnesses flying through the air? That was pretty funny. Anyway, the roommates are at work. Robin interviews that she thinks Randy is "a big goof," and that she doesn't know why she had a crush on him, and then she perfectly Valley-Girls, "Whatever!" Brad asks Randy about a flyer he got for a party that night. Robin interviews that she must have seen something with Randy that wasn't there. Brad tells Robin that they're going to a beach party that night. Robin asks what kinds of people will be there, and Brad says that they'll have to check it out.
On the beach, a bunch of people are standing around a bonfire. This is so . The roommates (carrying their own beverages) approach the group, and are greeted with whoops and hollers. Or maybe the cameras are greeted with whoops and hollers. Judging by the number of blurred-out faces, I don't know how welcome the cameras were. If you were underaged and drinking at a beach party, would you want to be on camera? Then again, I don't understand why girls want to flash their boobs at cameras, and yet Girls Gone Wild seems to do well. Randy interviews that it's a nice change of pace to be on the beach and listen to the ocean. Yeah, that looks like a crowd of nature-lovers if I've ever seen one. Robin interviews that when she goes out now, she's not looking to meet anyone or date anyone. Robin immediately starts introducing herself to every guy in the crowd. Hee! I love ironic juxtaposition.
At 2:30 AM, the roommates gather near a cab. Jamie seems particularly drunk. They can't find Robin, and the beach looks empty. Cameran interviews that they all agreed to meet at the cab at 2:30 AM. Randy and Cameran discuss where Robin might be, and the consensus seems to be, "I don't know." It's 2:50 AM. Brad is pissed. Robin is walking down the beach, and some guy has his arm around her. Couldn't the roommates just look for the bright camera lights? Randy complains that he spent twenty minutes roaming the beach looking for Robin. Randy screams out Robin's name, and she says that she's walking to the cab right now. The roommates hear Robin's voice and start looking around for her. Robin says goodnight to her new buddy, Mike, with a kiss and a hug. Robin interviews that Mike is a Marine. Robin hops into the cab. Brad yells at her for making them wait, and Robin promises to pay extra. She could also apologize for disappearing, and for being late, but I'm sure she has good excuses for both of those things. Robin reminds us via interview that she had a bad experience with a Marine. Randy yells that Robin has to let people know where she's going. Robin interviews that Randy might be going off on her because he's upset that she was with another guy, but that she thinks she gave him every opportunity to start something with her. Randy keeps yelling at Robin for going off with a strange man. He has a point. Robin is an adult, and can do what she wants, but it's not a bad idea to tell someone before you walk off with a guy you don't know. Especially when you're drunk. Robin sobs and yells something about "seven strangers," and the guys tell her to chill out.
The day, Frankie (who didn't go to the beach party) tells Jamie that she saw Ryan (the guy Cameran met in last week's episode) at a club. Ryan asked about Cameran, and Frankie told him about the beach party. Ryan said that beach parties are lame, and Frankie acts like she's so world-weary that she knew that already. Cameran overhears this whole conversation and asks what Ryan said. Frankie says that Ryan had on "this black Versace shirt, kind of see-throughish, and these black leather pants." Ew! Sounds like a total cheeseball. Frankie interviews that Cameran hasn't "been around the kind of lifestyle" that Ryan has, which involves money. I'm still trying to figure out what "lifestyle" is a code word for. Cameran interviews that usually guys are intimidated by her, and that Ryan is the only guy who's approached her so far.
Ryan calls Cameran and asks about their plans for the night. He explains that he has a friend who owns "a Playboy mansion-style house" nearby, and that he wants to come pick up the roommates in a limo. Cameran tells her roommates the deal. Jacquese immediately thinks that Ryan or his friend must be a porn director. Cameran says that Ryan claimed the house's owner was only twenty-two. Brad and Randy start joking about Cameran being set up to be in a porno. Cameran says that all of the people she met that night looked like porn stars, and that one of the women was stroking her face. Jacquese says that they might be swingers, and Cameran asks what a swinger is. Come on. She knows that. Also, has anyone said "swinger" (not in the Vince Vaughn/Jon Favreau way) since 1978? Cameran walks out of the room, and then comes back in and proclaims, "So...wait...I don't know...look." Everyone laughs at her. Randy asks if she wants to be in porn. Cameran jokes that she does. Jamie interviews that since Cameran is inexperienced, she's curious. Cameran tells everyone that the limo is a stretch Escalade. Cameran interviews that her conscience is telling her that this is wrong, and she wonders if Ryan is talking to her because she's naïve.
Robin walks out onto the deck and laughingly tells Randy that they need to talk, even though she knows he hates it. Randy asks if she's sure, and Robin says that he always avoids the issues. Randy thinks that's good. Robin interviews that Randy won't talk to her. Robin reminds Randy that she told him that she loved him and that she hated him in the same night. Brad cracks up. Randy tells Robin that she's "a crazy nutjob." Randy interviews that he doesn't want the kind of relationships Robin has: "Full of drama and never really going anywhere." Randy tells Robin that he doesn't want to be involved in the drama. Robin claims that she's a dramaphobe. Ha! Ha ha ha. Robin interviews that nothing is fixed with Randy because he won't talk about it.
Robin calls Mike the Marine. Robin interviews that she wants to get to know Mike better. Mike tells Robin that he wants to go out alone with her, and Robin is happy to hear that. Cameran advises Robin as to what to wear. Robin picks a green girly t-shirt and a pink floral skirt. She's all worried about the skirt, but I would be more worried about the shirt. With that rack, she might want to consider going up a size. You can see every line of her bra and every roll of flesh. Robin's not fat, but that shirt gives her rolls. Cameran interviews, "Robin has met a -- gasp -- Marine." Man, I'm glad they played that interview because it was in every promo this week and I'm sick of seeing it. Cameran jokingly offers Robin advice on how to make her date be a gentleman. Robin interviews that she's nervous because she hasn't dated in a while, but that she's also excited.
Robin and Mike walk down the street arm in arm. Do people really do that? Robin has put on a cardigan over her t-shirt and it looks a lot better. They sit on a bench and discuss how nervous they were. Mike has on a crooked baseball cap, which bothers me, but Robin seems okay with it. Robin interviews that Mike is a nice guy, and that she's attracted to him. He is cute in that military way. Robin interviews that they are just getting to know each other. They hug goodbye. Robin interviews that she believes in signs (of course she does) and that Mike is a Libra, and that he's also Greek and she loves Greek culture. She probably watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding and ate some baklava, and now she's an expert.
Robin gets home from her date and giggles with Cameran over how great the date was. Cameran interviews that Robin is smitten with the guy. Robin is just giddy, and Cameran says that Robin must like Mike a lot.
The day, Robin calls her mom and tells her about Mike. Robin interviews that Mike's eyes are gorgeous, and that she likes his fat lips. Robin's mom seems very supportive, even after Robin reveals that Mike is a Marine. Robin has nothing but great things to say about Mike to her mom. Robin interviews that she and Mike haven't done anything yet, and that it's been "strictly PG." Hey! That's the same interview they used before, and they pretended she was talking about Randy! That's foul. I know editors have to use footage to tell a story, but they don't have to be so blatant about it.
Frankie, Jamie, and Cameran get ready to go out. Jacquese asks Frankie what's up, and Frankie sounds very irritated as she explains that they're going to the alleged porn director's house, and that they're being picked up by a limo. In a confessional, Jacquese worries that the guys don't have good intentions. Jamie is wearing a backless black halter top and a miniskirt. She's got the body for it, but it's kind of skank-wear. I think you could wear the top or the skirt, but both together is crossing some sort of line. Cameran interviews that they are going to a house that belongs to the father of one of Ryan's friends. It does? I thought it belonged to the twenty-two-year-old millionaire. This story is fishy. Frankie tells Jacquese that they're supposed to leave at 10 PM. Frankie looks somewhat dumpy in a sleeveless black t-shirt and huge jeans with clunky black shoes. Frankie complains that she didn't even know about the limo until today. Brad interviews that he hates that the girls are all impressed by the limo. Cameran says, "This kid is a sketchball." Ryan? Or someone else? And why do you want to hang out with someone who is a sketchball? Jacquese interviews that the girl are falling into a trap.
Cameran puts product in her hair and says that she feels "like a slut-whore." Maybe if she wasn't wearing a skirt that is cut up to her crotch in the front, she would feel better. It's long in the back and then you can seriously see her underwear in the front every time she takes a step. Ominous music plays as the limo glides along the highway. The limo is like Jaws or something. Cameran says that her skirt is ridiculous. Yes! It is! Change! Cameran decides to wear flesh-toned underwear so that you can't tell when it's showing. Or she could just change her skirt.
It's 11:30 PM, and the girls are still at the house. Cameran calls Adam, Frankie's loverboy. How did he get involved with this? He's apparently friends with Ryan as well. Wuh? How did that happen? I need more explanation. Cameran asks Adam if he's on his way, and Adam says that he is. Frankie explains that Adam is picking them up in the limo because "Ryan's already involved in the whole party scene," which to me means that Ryan is drunk or high or both. Adam has stubble on his face, but not his neck, which means that he shaved his neck. That's a little too contrived for my tastes, Mr. Earlobes. The ominous limo finally pulls up to the house. The girls walk downstairs. Frankie has changed out of her dumpy clothes into a dress, and teases Cameran that her coochie is showing. Cameran has to ask if it really is, which would be yet another sign to me that I should change. Adam gets to the door and calls the girls out. Cameran interviews that she has no idea how Adam and Ryan know each other. One of the girls asks Adam if he's alone in the limo, and he says that he is. Adam could not look less interested in hanging out with the girls right now. Jamie interviews that Cameran is "a very curious person," and that while Cameran thinks that the Ryan situation is shady, she still wants to try it. Why is Jamie talking like she wasn't involved in the whole thing?
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. I actually have a few smaller moments that were awesome, so I've been saving them up for a while. The first is when Nick Lachey appeared as Tom Jones on American Dreams. I mean, Tom Jones is pretty cheesy anyway, but Nick Lachey was horrible! And the tight pants! And the bad Brillo wig! And then they gave him lines to speak and his Welsh accent sounded sort of like David Boreanaz trying to do an Irish accent, but worse. It was so awesome. The second awesome moment was when Jon Stewart said, "Those fuckers!" on The Daily Show and they didn't bleep it out. Mostly just because no one even noticed or commented on it in the media, and the world as we know it didn't end because someone dropped the F-bomb on basic cable. And the third was the ending of Average Joe: Hawaii where Larissa chose boring, bland Gil over interesting and reminiscent-of-David-from-Real WorldSeattle Brian. But that's not the awesome part. The awesome part came when Larissa confessed that she had a deep, dark secret. And it turned out that the secret was...that she dated Fabio. What? How random. But that's not even the awesome part. The awesome part came when Gil freaked out about it and was like, running around and kicking sand. Was he upset because Fabio is so manly and he could never measure up? Was he upset because Fabio is a cheeseball and he couldn't date someone who could go out with him? And did he have a leg to stand on, as someone who appeared on Average Joe: Hawaii? Who knows? But it was completely unexpected, and bizarre, and it was awesome.
The girls arrive at a club. I thought they were going to the millionaire's house. In a confessional, Jamie explains that they went to a club and met up with Ryan and the house's owner. Ew, Ryan is wearing white jeans. Everyone piles into the limo. Inside, the girls start dancing around to the music. Cameran interviews that she looked at Jamie and realized that she was having a lot of fun, and thought it would be a fun night. Everyone in the limo is singing along and dancing. Cameran interviews that she looked in the back of the limo and saw that some older men were "humping" twenty-year-old women in the back. Cameran looks directly into the camera, shocked. Everyone else laughs and laughs as Cameran freaks out and crosses herself. I don't think I would have freaked out in that situation, but I would have been like, "Ew, gross! Get a room, oldies!"
Meanwhile, Robin and Mike are having another innocent arm-in-arm date. They walk out on the beach, and Mike lays his shirt down so that Robin can sit on it. Mike asks if she's worried about how it will look when she gets arrested, and tries to assure her that it's no big deal. Robin interviews that Mike has completely changed her impression of the Marine. Mike says that Marines are stereotyped as fighting a lot, which is partly true. Robin interviews that she's glad that Mike is in her life right now.
The limo arrives at the house. Cameran asks Ryan what's wrong with him, and he feigns ignorance. Ryan tries to persuade Cameran to come inside. Cameran interviews that there's something shady about the whole crowd, but that she agreed to go in the house anyway. Everyone walks into the house, which seems really empty for a place that was allegedly hosting a party. The girls dance around and drink. There's one guy who is so sketchy-looking. He looks just like Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights, but about ten years younger and five inches taller. Frankie busts in on Adam in the bathroom and says she's just looking at the room. What was that about? Cameran tells Jamie that she feels uncomfortable. Cameran interviews that Ryan was missing in action, and that it was fascinating to see how people acted. Frankie interviews that it's a big city and that "Cameran is naïve to what I would call a faster lifestyle." See, I don't get what that means. Drugs? Orgies? Porn? Souped-up race cars?
Someone comes into the room and announces that everyone has to leave because someone's car got wrecked. In a confessional, Jamie says that they were shoved out the back door like they weren't wanted anymore. Cameran walks outside and looks pissed. The camera zooms in on Ryan arguing with an older blur-faced man. The older man shoves Ryan, and then swats him on the ass like he's spanking him. Wuh? What the hell was that? In a confessional, Jamie says that Ryan got bitch-slapped by [bleep], and that they were all ordered to leave. Cameran tells Frankie and Jamie that the whole thing is shady and she wants to leave. Alfred Molina is all, "Let's go!" and Cameran yells that she doesn't trust him or anyone in the house. Cameran stalks off and calls them all "shady-ass people." Alfred Molina and Jamie laugh at her. Cameran says that she may be from a small town, but that she knows that she wants out.
They get to the end of the driveway, and the gate is closed. Is anyone worried about Frankie? Cameran and Jamie climb over the gate. Suddenly, Frankie is with them again. Jamie interviews that Cameran's way of dealing with situations is to run away. Jamie scoffs like that's so unbelievable. Well, in that case, I think Cameran made the right decision. I liked Jamie better when she didn't talk. Adam explains to the girls that Ryan stole the homeowner's car and crashed it, so the homeowner told them to leave. Frankie interviews that Cameran has been "lucky without having to see the devil in people thus far." What does that even mean? There's so much unsaid in this episode. I feel like there must be hidden clues to what really happened, but I have no idea. Cameran tells Jamie that she's disgusted and wants to throw up.
The girls take a cab home, and then run inside the house. Cameran pulls out a piece of pizza and a chocolate cake and starts pigging out. Cameran voice-overs that she's realizing she doesn't have as much experience as she thought she did. The day, Randy explains the ways of the world to Cameran. Apparently, if you have money, your sons will turn out to be drug addicts who drive around in limos doing coke, and right and wrong are blurred. Thanks, Randy! Cameran interviews that she won't go out with Ryan again in her life, because she'd rather have fun with her vibrator. Amen, Cameran!
time: Brad's ex-girlfriend Andrea comes to visit, and Cameran is upset about it. Brad gets drunk and is arrested again. I think Brad might have a problem.