Previously on The Real World: Cameran said that she had a crush on Brad, but when she had her chance (in the bathroom of a hookah bar, of all places), she pretended that she was disgusted by him.
Cameran, Robin, and Jamie walk home from somewhere and discuss how their male roommates would be in the sack. As you do. Cameran thinks that Randy would be really mellow and all about feelings and emotions. Robin asks what they think about Brad, and explains that she thinks Brad would yell. Or something. I actually have no clue what in the hell Robin was talking about. Jamie thinks that Brad would be like, "Uh-duh, I'm having sex." Hee! Brad is kind of dumb. Robin thinks that Jacquese would slap girls' asses. Or something. Again, I have no clue what Robin was trying to say. She's not the most articulate person. Jamie thinks they don't know anything about Jacquese. And thank God for that. I don't want to think about that Urkel-looking motherfucker doing it. Jamie asks who they think will be the first in the house to have sex, and Robin doesn't know, but thinks that it would take really big balls to be the first. So that leaves out any of the ladies. Except for maybe Robin, who is kind of built like a dude with fake boobs.
The roommates prepare to go out for the evening. Frankie puts a dead cat on her head. Oh, wait. My bad. Frankie puts a piece of rubber tire that she found on the roadside on her head. Wait, what is that? Frankie interviews that sometimes she likes to wear wigs: "It's just another way for me to, like, use my creativity." Because her ridiculous outfits and multicolored eyeshadows don't give her enough to think about? It's called trying way too fucking hard, Frankie. So, shut up. And shut up, Frankie's stupid black Betty Boop shellac shiny wig. It also cracks me up that the editors had to insert an interview with Frankie explaining the wig, because otherwise people would have been like, "The fuck?" Well, viewers still thought that, but for different reasons. Jacquese verifies that Frankie knows how to get to the club, and fails to deliver any clever rejoinder about Frankie's asstastic wig, so I'm disappointed. Cameran interviews that she likes guys with manners. In the bathroom, Cameran tries to get Brad to tuck in his shirt, but Brad says that he wants to be "relaxed and comfortable," so he refuses. Also, how dorky would it look to have a shirt tucked into jeans? In a club? Everyone leaves the house.
At the club, the roommates all drink and dance. Robin's Marine boyfriend is there. I thought you might want an update on that relationship since it's subsequently been dropped. Cameran squeals (I think Brad ashed on her), and flirts loudly with Brad. In a confessional, Jacquese says that Cameran denies having a crush on Brad, but it's obvious to everyone else that she does. Brad talks to some girl named Jackie. Brad interviews that she's the most beautiful girl he's seen in San Diego. Really? I mean, she's attractive, but she's not all that. Then again, he's drunk. Cameran notices Brad talking to Jackie and gives them the stink-eye. Jamie thinks Jackie looks like Britney Spears. Jamie totally busts Randy checking out Jackie's rack. Cameran interviews that Brad is good looking (he is?) and has a great personality (he does?), so she thinks that he could do better than the girls she's seen him with in San Diego.
Jackie and Brad have a fascinating conversation about...zzzz. Oh, sorry. They talk about motorcycles and cars. Bored now! Brad interviews that he and Jackie are into the same things. Wow! A girl who likes cars! And while I know that there are plenty of girls who like cars because they, you know, like cars, Jackie totally struck me as the type who just got into it because she thinks it will make dudes pay attention to her. Brad buys her a beer after Jackie claims that she's "a beer girl" with "a beer belly." First of all, she totally doesn't have a beer belly, and she just said that to focus attention to her taut midsection. And second of all, the only women who proclaim themselves to be "beer girls" are those who only drink beer so that they'll seem cooler to guys, and not because they like beer. In the privacy of her own home, I'm sure Jackie drinks wine coolers. Cameran interviews that Jackie seems like a nice girl (which is Cameran-ese for "I'm about to say something really mean, so I have to preface it with something insincere") but that she is "a little on the loose side." Because she talks to boys in bars? And allegedly drinks beer? Wow, what a whore.
Everyone leaves the bar. Jackie and Brad are still inside, toasting with their beers. Cameran screeches at Robin outside, causing Frankie and Randy to make fun of her for being drunk. Brad and Jackie check out Jackie's classic car, and they totally said what kind of car it was, but I don't care. Brad, however, is impressed, especially when Jackie reels off a bunch of information about the car, and then starts it up for him. Luckily, since she's drunk, she doesn't drive off or anything. Brad can't believe it's her car, because she's a girl, which says a lot about Brad right there. Brad interviews that Jackie isn't your average girl. She has a car! And a motorcycle! And she drinks beer! She should go back in time twenty years so that she could be the featured segment on That's Incredible. Jackie tries to get an invite to the house without coming right out and saying that she wants to go there, and Brad's dumb, so it totally works. They take a cab home.
Back at the house, Cameran stomps around and yells that she hates boys and that they can "die and rot and simmer in hell." I seriously don't get how Brad did anything to Cameran, but I think that's the point. Shut up, Drunk Cameran. Cameran interviews that Brad is getting on her nerves. She drunkenly dives into the giant bean bag chair and then starts yelling that she wants a boy, and that she needs a man. I thought she hated boys! Cameran grabs a pillow and pretends to make out with it while Jamie just looks at her like, "Uh, exactly how many drinks did you have?" Jacquese interviews that Cameran is just playing games. Cameran shovels peanut butter into her mouth by dipping her finger in the jar. Ew! I hope that's her personal peanut butter jar. Outside the house, Brad and Jackie arrive. Brad points out their car and calls it his "ride," as if he owns it, or had anything to do with procuring it. Cameran interviews that Brad shows "what assholes the male race is [sic]." Cameran shows what idiots the female Southern immature blonde race is. Funny, when I filled out my census report, I didn't see a little box that said "female" under race. I wonder if I filled it out wrong? Cameran continues to shovel the peanut butter in her face, and I hope she'll still be able to fit into her white shorts.
Oh, no! Jackie has revealed that she is the woman from Species as she uses her giant tongue to swallow Brad's entire face. Wait. I guess that was supposed to be kissing. Brad breaks up the party and says that he's going to change his clothes, but really I think he wanted to clean up his room a little bit. Ew, I just thought about how Brad probably never changes his sheets and I got grossed out. While Brad is gone, Jackie starts talking to the roommates. Frankie interviews that Brad likes "dumb, easily influenced girls." So why hasn't he hooked up with Cameran yet? Or Frankie, for that matter? Remember when Frankie tried to hook up with Brad the first night? Jacquese runs over and whispers to Brad something about how Jackie would probably have sex with all of them. Sadly, I think Jacquese was only half-joking. He would totally take Brad's sloppy seconds. He would totally be Brad's sloppy seconds, for that matter. Jackie babbles about nothing to the group, and Jamie rolls her eyes. Cameran interviews that Jackie is just a dumb girl making an ass out of herself. At least she's only doing it in one episode, unlike the rest of the roommates, who do it week after week. Brad interviews that his roommates were egging Jackie on, and that he needed to stop it. Brad drags Jackie out to the deck and starts making out with her to get her to shut up for a minute.
Jamie whines that men don't want normal women. More on this issue later. Outside, Brad waggles his tongue at Jackie, and I seriously had nightmares about that all last week. Randy says that he can't take girls who can't shut up, so he lives with three of them. Jamie seems to know when to shut up. Jacquese and Randy both hope that Brad does what he needs to do and then sends Jackie packing.
Outside, Jackie asks Brad, "What do you want to do?" Brad says, "What do you want to do?" Jackie says, "You." I say, "Blllllleeeeeeeeaaaaugh!" Brad laughs, and the couple heads inside to his room. Jacquese lies down on the ground and tries to peek under the curtain to see what's going on in the room. I am all for eavesdropping and spying, because it's entertaining, but that's a bit much. Jacquese sees something he likes and starts jumping around and celebrating and going, "That's MY roommate!" Why is he so proud that Brad got laid? It's not like Jackie was a tough sell. And it's not like Jacquese had anything to do with it. Shut up, Jacquese. Brad interviews that he hadn't been with a girl in a few weeks, and that hooking up with Jackie felt good. The editors pipe in fireworks exploding in the background. Okay. Heh. Cameran interviews that she heard slapping and noises, and that she was grossed out.
Cameran runs up to the other roommates and says something about how she wants to "prepare the washcloth." Everyone tells her to cut it out. Apparently, she was preparing some sort of practical joke on Brad. Oh, it's okay when everyone else does it, but when Cameran tries to join in, they all get up on their high horses. Frankie interviews that she was convinced she would be the first one to have sex in the house. Shut up, Frankie. Cameran says that she hopes that dumb-ass (meaning Jackie) doesn't show her face later. Jamie interviews that Cameran is hating on Jackie, and that she should hate the player, not the game. No, she really said that. Is it 1999 and no one told me? Cameran thinks that any girl who sleeps with a guy on the first night is trash. What about the guy? I mean, I disagree with Cameran on this issue, but if she thinks both involved parties are trashy, at least she might have a leg to stand on that doesn't involve a huge double standard. Randy says that if you're safe, there's no problem. Cameran says that a woman who has a one-night stand isn't someone a guy wants to spend his life with. Jamie points out that Brad isn't looking for a girlfriend. Cameran says that this experience has changed her mind about Brad. Frankie interviews that Cameran feels rejected and mad at herself for liking Brad in the first place. Frankie says that Brad has always said that he just wanted to get laid, and Cameran says that she didn't think he was serious. Brad, completely nude, peeks out of the room. Heh.
Brad comes out of his room, fully dressed. Cameran says that he's disgusting, and that she's completely lost respect for him. Brad tells her to shush. Brad interviews that Cameran is immature. Unlike Brad, who just told her to shush, which is really mature. Cameran says that she wants to throw up. Brad does he-man poses, and everyone laughs. Cameran interviews that Brad is a player, and that he obviously doesn't go for girls with class, and that she thought he wasn't that type of guy.
Later, Frankie says that Cameran thinks anything related to sex is gross. Randy says that he doubts that she's ever had an orgasm. Cameran walks into the room and says that Randy is right. Randy channels the viewing audience when he asks how she can own a vibrator and say that she's never had an orgasm. Cameran clarifies that she's never had an orgasm with a guy. Frankie asks how many partners Cameran has had, and she says that she's only had one, because she's not a very sexual person. Frankie thinks that's bullshit. Cameran says she's never been in love, which is why she doesn't have a lot of sexual experience. Randy tells her that she "can't assign negative things towards things that aren't negative." What? I don't know. Randy interviews that Cameran is angry and narrow-minded. Cameran says that it's just her opinion, and Randy thinks that it's an unhealthy opinion. Cameran tells everyone that they're getting on her "nerve," and walks out. She only has one nerve? She should become a stuntwoman or something.
And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. At first, I was going to tell you about this movie I watched called Nightscream, which seemed like it had a lot of potential because it was on Lifetime Movie Network, and it starred Candace Cameron Bure and Teri Garr, and it was supposed to be about a woman (CCB) who is possessed by the ghost of a murder victim. Sounds pretty awesome, right? But I started watching it and about halfway through I realized that I had no fucking clue what in the hell was going on. And not in a "Oh, this movie has a lot of twists and turns and I wonder what will happen " kind of way. More in a "Were the writers on crack when they came up with this shit?" kind of way. First of all, they expected the viewers to just accept that CCB was possessed, like that happens every day in the normal course of things, and it was never explained, and no one was like, "Possessed by a ghost? That's crazy talk!" And then CCB's character was an identical twin (in terms of looks alone) to the dead girl, to the point where CCB played both roles, which is just a little bit unbelievable. And there were dream sequences in which CCB wore a white nightgown for no apparent reason other than that she was supposed to be a ghost. I don't know. So I stopped watching it. So The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week was when Julie lost in the Inferno and had to leave, because I spent the last three weeks screaming at the television, "I hate you, Julie!" and "Fuck off, Julie!" and shit like that, and I think my neighbors were about to call the cops. So Julie and her annoying big-toothed self can just fuck right off. Which is awesome.
Jackie apparently slept over, because it's the morning, and she's still in bed with Brad. Cameran tells Robin what happened the night before. Robin interviews that Cameran is "completely crushed," and that guys are stupid. Brad interviews that he's cool with Jackie sleeping over, but that he's not looking for a relationship. Brad drives Jackie home. Brad interviews that Jackie is not perfect for him, and that he has "a void [he's] trying to fill." Oh, yeah? Well, I think he filled Jackie's void last night, if you know what I mean? Anyone? Anyone?
Robin and her Marine boyfriend ask Cameran about Brad's crazy night. Cameran says that it was "so disgusting." So how does Cameran feel about Brad's hookup? Is she happy? Does she find it aesthetically pleasing? I wish she would tell someone. Robin interviews that Brad must be a moron not to realize that Cameran had a crush on him. Yeah, because of all those signals she sent him. Like kicking him in the balls. And refusing to kiss him. Cameran says that Brad is a total ass.
Brad returns and says that he's not feeling very good. He admits that Jackie seemed a little crazy, but that she was cool when they first started talking. He also knows that they had "a clown down," which I guess is a session of making fun of someone. Brad says that Jackie loves her car, and that she "does real estate." So she's a realtor? Because if so, would you hire her to sell you a house now? Cameran pipes up that Jackie is twenty-three. Brad interviews that if Cameran is jealous, it's because they don't all have a "sheltered sexual life."
Jamie, Frankie, and Cameran want to go somewhere, and Randy and Brad want to go somewhere else. And both groups need the car, apparently. Randy wants to find a compromise where someone gets dropped off, but no one can make a decision, so he leaves to take a shower. The girls decide just to sneak out and take the car. Brad comes out in his giant silver pants and notices that the car is gone, so they page the girls.
In the car, the girls talk about how they were laughing at Jackie. Jamie asks if she has to be stupid to get a guy. Well, yeah, if you want a stupid guy. Randy calls and Frankie passes the phone to Cameran who plays dumb. Or "plays" dumb. Randy asks what's going on, and when the girls will be home with the car. Cameran tells him and hangs up, laughing. She thinks that Randy was really pissed but pretending everything was okay. Back at the house, Randy is really not angry. Brad, however, is annoyed. Randy suggests that the girls took the car because Brad had sex. I don't know. Randy calls it "chicks marking their territory." Whatever, Big Rand.
The girls apparently went to some sort of carnival or street fair. Cameran goes on a trampoline while wearing a harness that allows her to jump up really high. Frankie and Jamie watch her bouncing and screaming. Cameran dismounts and screeches that the harness hurt her crotch. And she's accusing other women of not having class? Cameran asks what's wrong with them, since they can't get a man. Jamie wants to know too. Because they don't want a one-night stand? I'm sure these girls could get laid if they wanted to. But hanging out in bars and clubs doesn't usually lead to long-term relationships, especially when you're twenty. Cameran thinks that she looked stupid on the trampoline (she did), but the others quickly reassure her that she looked cute. In the car, Cameran admits that she did have a crush on Brad, but that she's just disgusted by him now.
Brad asks the other guys what he should say to Jackie when he calls her back, since he doesn't want to hang out with her anymore. How about, "I don't want to hang out with you anymore"? Or more politely, "I enjoyed hanging out with you, but I'm only here for a few more weeks, and I don't want to be tied down to any one person."
Cameran tells the others that Brad's "attractiveness level" has gone way down. She claims she's felt that way for a while, but that his sexcapades sealed the deal, and that it's why she dissed him in the bar bathroom. In a confessional, Jamie says that Cameran claims to be repulsed by Brad, but that she's just looking for an excuse not to like him anymore.
Randy asks Brad if he's hung out with Jackie while they were both sober, and whether that's something he wants to do. Brad says that when he met Jackie, they were sober, and Jackie was cool, but Jacquese doesn't think they were really sober. Jacquese interviews that Jackie was just a one-night stand, because they clowned her and there's no coming back from that. I was unaware that Brad made his relationship decisions by committee.
Cameran says she thought Brad was different from other guys. Second verse, same as the first. Cameran interviews that she has a hard time trusting guys, mostly because her father cheated on her mother, which led to her parents' divorce. Well, that's new information. And relevant. So they're just dropping it into the very end of the episode. Cameran goes on to call Brad a member of "the male species." I think Cameran needs a dictionary.
Randy suggests that Brad go out on a date with Jackie, but Brad doesn't want to. Brad interviews that he regrets hooking up with Jackie, and it may have put a damper on his relationship with Cameran, but it didn't ruin it. Brad is a big believer in fate, and he knows that whatever should happen will happen. If that were true, there would be far fewer Real World and Road Rules alumni available to participate in the Challenge each season, because they would have died in horrific accidents by now.
Jamie says that she really didn't expect any different from Brad. Cameran says that she's realized Brad just isn't mature. Cameran interviews that she thought she and Brad could turn into something more (like butterflies?), but that she's disgusted, and her crush is over.
week: Dave may or may not be coming to visit Frankie, and Adam won't leave Frankie alone. More Frankie drama! What a surprise!