It's a little confusing: apparently, the kids aren't shutting down their salon after all. Rather, they're going on a vacation to Spain. There, Svet is mad and bored and fighting with Martin on the phone. John meets a hot blonde German tourist and gives her the schnitzel back at the hotel. Svet fights some more with Martin, which she lets ruin her night. In Barcelona, Tyler hysterically relives his Olympic dreams from childhood. The kids flamenco dance, and Svet gets into a slightly better mood. But then she's sad again when she overhears the kids talking about her. Aw.
Previously on...Tyler listened in on Svet complaining to Momski; yelled at both women. Janelle made Svet cry with her bitchiness and eye make-up. Bossman Ricky Croft told the stunned kids that they have to close Mystic Tan.
Most importantly. I would just like to begin by giving a little prayer for our own little Paula Ann Meronek, who, this week, was arrested when she allegedly bit Keith (AKA John Alyward) in a drunken domestic dispute. Congratulations on your relationship and recovery! Happy to see that it's going so swimmingly. (Also, I think that it's great that you're eating again, even if it is human flesh. Bravo.)
Key West. Key West. Aerial shot. Key West. Salon. Outside, the kids gather around the SIDEKICK! to listen as Bossman Ricky Croft tells the kids that they're going to have to shut down the salon. The kids are stunned. He goes on to say -- and this shit we didn't see last episode -- that they have to close...because as of Tuesday no one will be around to mind the store. Then the kids all smile and ask why. Janelle gets an excited look on her face that is so extreme that there is no way she's not mocking this entire process. Or the silicone has traveled to her brain. So Bossman Ricky Croft says that it's because they'll be going on their "well-deserved vacation." Okay, now wait a fucking minute. The cliffhanger of the last episode led us to believe that they were shutting down the salon because of water damage from the hurricane. But in truth now we learn it was all a big jokey set-up to revealing their vacation? Oh, Bunim-Murray, you are an evil, dark beast. Now is that honoring "the essence of what happened?" I think not, sirs. Some of the other kids act overly-excited, and now I'm sure that they're all just taking the piss. They ask where they're going, and Bossman Ricky Croft plugs STA TRAVEL! and says that that company will let them know where they're going soon. The kids act loonily excited about STA TRAVEL! Tyler camera-talks -- getting an extra fifty dollars from B/M by plugging STA TRAVEL! -- that wherever STA TRAVEL! sends them, he'll embrace with his big gay open arms. Man, this product integration thing is fucking seamless! I hope it never stops. It really enhances my viewing experience.
Key West. Key West. Aerial shots. They're really using that rented helicopter for all it's worth. A seagull caws. Outdoor restaurant. Janelle and Tyler continue taking the piss, telling the confused bartender in Pollyanna voices that they're going to Egypt or Morocco or Brazil! "Or Australia!" says Janelle. "No," says Tyler. Heh. Meanwhile, Svet is pacing back and forth alone. Sad music lets us know that she's sad. Then she herself does, saying that when you're not getting along with your roommates, it doesn't matter where you travel..."even if it's space!" Also, you have to be smart to be an astronaut, so that's not really going to be an option for you.
Janelle sits Paula down at this outdoor restaurant and tells her that they all notice she and Svet isolate themselves when they hang out together. Didn't we cover this already? Paula nods. Paula says that Svet is very young, and basically adds that the only reason she hangs with Svet is because she wouldn't want Svet to be alone. CUT TO: Shot of Svet alone. Nice job.
Key West. House. A girl from STA TRAVEL! sits the kids down and points at her own breasts...well, the STA TRAVEL! logo on them. She is clearly a stoner and has those glassy eyes and constantly-baked half-smile. She talks about STA TRAVEL! being the leader in student travel packages etc. etc. Tyler is wearing a cape. I'm not kidding. Zach is wearing a green headband. The kids dig into backpacks and pull out brochures. "Spain!" yells Svet. "Spain Spain Spain. Spain!" Well, it's not space but she does in fact seem pretty excited. The kids flip through, and Tyler yells something about an Olympic tour. Paula says that she's excited for food and culture and nightlife. Well, not so much the food part. John camera-frats that he's looking forward to the Penelope Cruz-esque Spanish women. STA TRAVEL! stoned girl lists off the three cities they're going to. Tyler hugs her. She looks deeply uncomfortable. Svet camera-boobs that her mother said Spain is very romantic so she's anticipating missing Martin a lot. Ew, her mom had lots of sex in Spain.
Water. House. The kids are all piled into the confessional, saying that they're heading to Spain that day and they babble in Spanish and generally act the fool. Stock footage of a plane taking off. The island from above.
And they're in Madrid! Just like that. Music That Sounds Spanish Enough But Is Probably Latin American plays, as the kids ride a bus from the airport. Horse carriage. Ornate house. Fountain. Horse. Bus. Street. Hotel. The kids check into their rooms. The other kids are happy as Svet and Paula's room proves to be on another floor entirely. Janelle camera-snots that Svet can be trying so she's happy to have some distance from her. Everyone laughs.
Night. Scooter. Street. Buildings. Tyler, Janelle, and John walk. Tyler camera-queens that he's looking forward to showing John that there is more to Europe than "booze and bitches." John talks bad Spanish. Buildings. Culture. Horse carriage. They ride. John talks about horse poop. Then he displays his awesome lack of knowledge about the world by saying that he thought Spain was going to be all "dirt roads" and "turbans" and "snake charmers." What? Tyler calls him on his retarditude, saying, "We're not going to Egypt." They ride. Ride. Sights. Sights.
Meanwhile at the hotel, Svet yells at Martin on the phone. She calls him a computer and a robot, saying that he "never ever ever ever ever" shares his emotions. She drags us into it, telling us that they're both frustrated because they can't see each other. Martin sighs heavily. "Are we done?" he asks. "Are you busy?" she responds. Goddamn, she has to be like David Blaine-level magic in bed or there is absolutely no reason to be dating this girl. None.
Streets. Streets. John smokes a cigarette badly, talking to some pretty blonde girl, trying to describe what an SUV is. Her name is Lisa and she is German. Their conversation is incredibly dull. John tells us that back home you have to be on top of your game to pick up chicks, but here it's okay to sound like an idiot with the language barrier. Well, good, because: idiot accomplished. "May," Lisa's friend, tags along with them as they head to another club.
Other club. Bad dancing. It's empty. Tyler and Paula hug. They're both happy Svet didn't come. Tyler thinks that Paula is becoming her own person in Spain. He calls her "bright-eyed" and "innocent." (Well, according to her mug shot, she's more "Tonya Harding" than anything else.) Seriously, there is no one in this club. More dancing. Zach and Paula dance. John continues to talk to Lisa. They have the most boring conversation of all time. John tells us that he came to Spain to meet a Spanish girl, but Germany is close enough. They make out on a balcony. The other kids tease them from the deserted dance floor below.
Dancing. Dancing. Jose hugs John and tells him something about Aryan Lisa. Jose then kisses John on the cheek. Wow. He's really taking this whole European thing a bit too far. Jose then camera-brows that his friend told him that back in Germany one night stands are not only common, but expected. Well, book me a one-way to Dusseldorf!
Streets. Streets. Hotel. John and Lisa make out. Tyler drags a mattress into another room. John and Lisa continue to make out. They go down onto a bed. John tells us that he thought American girls were aggressive, but German girls take the cake. (German chocolate!) John shuts the door. Naturally, Tyler and Zach fuck around in the hall and open the door. They run off, laughing. Commercials.
Night. Madrid. Zach tries to open John's sex-door (ew!), and John comes (ew) to the door pissed off. Zach runs back into the girls' room. He jokes that John has kicked out two roommates from the room and, though it's been half an hour, he knows John only "takes two seconds." How exactly does he know that? Jose must have told him. Janelle makes a "funny" comment.
Later. John walks not only Lisa, but her Winglady friend out onto the street. Where was Winglady the whole time? Waiting in the hotel bar? German chicks are fucking awesome! John says that time he's in Germany, they'll "eat some perogies." First of all, someone needs to buy the boy an atlas. And an internet. And secondly, isn't "eating the perogie" what John just got finished doing? Lisa blithely tells John goodbye and kisses him and walks off. Again, German chicks rule. John camera-frats that he wishes he could have met Lisa earlier so it wasn't just wham bam, etc. No he doesn't.
Clock. Sliver moon. Day. The kids leave the hotel and board an STA TRAVEL! bus to Sevilla. Sevilla. Sevilla. Walking. John says that it smells like horse poop. Again. Running joke, I suppose. Tyler calls the city "very culture [sic]." Someone says that the city is very romantic, and Janelle asks John whether they'll be having any visitors at their new hotel. John smiles. Nice buildings. Walking. Svet carries a teddy bear. John says this reminds him of "Romeo and Juliet." Idiots. All of them. Building. Pigeon. They arrive at their hotel, speaking bad Spanish.
Hotel. Stuffy rooms. "Old school, dude," says John. He then says that he feels like he's at his grandma's house. Heh.
Alley. Balcony. The kids look out some balconies. They're on a tour. A tour guide tells them that the city is over 3,000 years old. John says that what he finds amazing about Spain is the history and what we consider old in America, blah bloo blee. The eye-openings of the inane. The guide points out an old sign that used to mark the Jewish neighborhood. Svet perks up. Tyler asks about the Spanish Inquisition, trying to look smart. He fails. The kids walk through a tiny alley called "The Street Of The Kiss." They take pictures. Building. Building. Svet brats around, pissed off because she's in a romantic place and wants to be with someone she loves.
CUT TO: Svet on the SIDEKICK! being yelled at by said person she loves. Clearly yelling and being mean to each other is just the language now that Svet and Martin use to communicate. It can't be healthy. But it sure is fun to listen to. Svet has Martin on speakerphone for some reason so the roommates have to hear. Svet tells Martin that she's going to hang up if he keeps yelling -- that the others can hear. He says that he doesn't care. Now she's off the phone, and Zach tries to tell her to stop calling Martin and just come out with them. Svet says that she knows Martin misses her and it's not "right" how she just treated him. Svet goes on to tell Zach that she and Martin normally never fight this much (no! of course not) and that this is only because she's frustrated having to spend time with Janelle and Tyler. What? She goes on that she can't enjoy this place because she's just so bummed out.
The kids, minus Svet, go out. She stays back curled up in a ball. Paula talks about Svet's relationship with Martin and how if she's not happy with herself she's never going to be happy, no matter where she is. Paula says that she's tried to kick Svet in the ass, but she's "just not there yet." Jose thinks that Svet has come a long way. I love hearing these two total fucking messes to behold trying to give sage advice on Svetlana's mental health. Brilliant. Commercials.
Bus. Barcelona. City. Barcelona. Barcelona. Barcelona. Janelle and Tyler go into a pay toilet together. Tyler sneezes into the toilet. Long discussion of the pay toilet and comparing it to a Mystic Tan booth. I'm sure the company loves that little clip. Now the kids are walking. Walking. Barcelona. Tyler sings the Olympic theme. And then the best thing happens: cheesy synth music plays as Tyler camera-talks that he's incredibly passionate about the Olympics and the whole "Olympic movement." I had an Olympic movement once. It was the day after an all-you-can-eat Mexican dinner. (Zing!) Tyler talks about the "human spirit." Then he talks about seeing the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona and ever since he saw "those magical games," it's been his dream to visit Barcelona. Wow. Just, wow.
Olympic stadium. Tyler stares out at the rainy stadium, growing gayer by the second. This is a dream come true for him. Suddenly it's raining very hard and Tyler still stands in his Dawson pants with the gigantic pockets. Finally he's dragged away. Paula says that she's glad she came to Spain because it makes her feel very "worldly."
White pigeon. Sun. Fountain. Horse. In some city square the kids meet some women dressed in flamenco gear. John introduces himself in bad Spanish. Tourists watch as the kids learn to flamenco dance. Svet bitches that it's too darn hot and she's not going to participate. Everyone ignores her. Dancing. Dancing. Someone shouts "ole!" Paula tells us that she was shy at first but warmed up to the dancing. Svet is embarrassed. She says that flamenco dancing looks "passionate." A guy teaches her, and she finally gets into it. Paula says that it involves lots of stomping of the feet and hand movements. "It hurts!" she says, rubbing her wrist and smiling. I'm sure she's whined that to a lot of guys, rubbing her cramping wrist. So now Svet is forced by the producers to pretend that everything is magically good and that just with a little flamenco dancing on a hot Spanish day, a storyline can be resolved. Ah, if life were only like that.
Fountain. Sky. Night. Restaurant. The kids eat, making a toast. Paula is excited about traveling and will continue to travel all her life. Walking. Walking. Svet walks far ahead of everyone. The kids discuss Svet more. Paula yells to John and Zach that Svet just pushes her problems aside and refuses to go see the therapist even for one session. Yeah, because clearly that therapist has worked wonders for you. Paula has diagnosed Svet as depressed. She adds that Svet is a younger version of her and the last thing she wants is for Svet to wake up at twenty-four and be Paula. Heh. Zach tells us that Svet needs to work on her life.
Hotel. Paula and the boys stand in the stairwell and keep talking about Svet. However, snoopy Svet is listening from a few floors above. Paula's whole theory is that Svet thinks she's made a lot of "progress" while in reality she hasn't. (Someone put a giant sign over Paula's head that reads "Irony," please.) Svet tells us she's mad hearing the kids talking about her. So am I. Oh wait, that's "bored."
Day. Fountain. Pigeons. Statue. Svet packs to go. Meanwhile, John and Paula eat breakfast, discussing how Svet listened in on them and is now upset. Night. They leave the hotel with their suitcases. John tells us that this whole trip will soon seem just like a "big amazing dream." Yeah, one in which a horny blonde German girl fucked you for no reason. Actually, that does sound like a dream. Building. Buildings. Bus. The kids. Moon.
on...Tyler leaves Jose and John at the ghetto gym. John calls Tyler an "inconsiderate piece of shit." That's his Olympic name.