In a completely timeline-shattering episode, the kids get ready for Fantasy Fest; John is psyched about the float. Janelle decides to quit law school and go into makeup. Good, smart decision. John wins a toga party strip contest at a bar. Meanwhile, Jose is the only one who goes to watch Tyler drag-strip and high-kick and fall down over at a gay bar. Tyler is mad no one else came and he lost. Then the kids enter an '80s contest, leaving the float-building John out of it. They win a thousand dollars. John and Bossman Ricky Croft are pissed when no one is helping with the float. On float night, the kids show up late, and John is pissed but everything is okay. The kids ride the float and throw beads. They have a meeting with Bossman Ricky Croft, who admits their Mystic Tan was a complete flop, but he (B/M) gives them a big payday anyway despite sucking so hard and ruining everything. On the last night, the kids have dinner and trade memories and bond. They all fall asleep except for Paula, who writes a terrible poem. The kids cry and sit around and wait for cabs and talk to the camera incessantly about each other. Jose gets creepy with Paula and whispers a lot. Tyler falls again. More leaving. It. Takes. Forever.
Aw, you dicks! It's a friggin' double episode. Hate, with the burning power of a million suns. Hate, like Mel Gibson hates the Jews. Hate, like my cat hates the vacuum cleaner. Hate!
Previously...Bossman Ricky Croft told the kids to get ready for Fantasy Fest...which I thought we dealt with, like, episodes ago. Wilma fucked up Fantasy Fest, but John predicted Key West wouldn't give up and would have Fantasy Fest anyway! Yeah! Take that, you pussy-ass devastating force of nature.
Opening. Kids. Speech. Melanoma. The Real World is so on the way out. How long before Jonathan Murray is in the Culver City MTV offices pitching that they change the format to be all glossy and pseudo-scripted and Laguna Beach-y? I'd guess a few months ago. Hope he remembered to get his parking validated before he got on the elevator, mumbling, "Well, I think that went well." Because it's really embarrassing to have to go back for the parking sticker, possibly overhearing the executives saying something hurtful like, "Mary-Ellis sure was the brains of that organization, huh?" Something like that might just make a man cry.
Montage Of Daytime Portion of Fantasy Fest, I guess. With lots of people standing around in costumes and painting faces and eating hot dogs and wondering why no one's showing their boobs. Or maybe that's just what I'm wondering.
Salon. John and Bossman Ricky Croft discuss the float for the upcoming FF parade. John and Paula will be bronzed on the float, shooting streamers. Huh? John says he's been waiting for FF for a while. John camera-exposits a lot of shit about FF, and keeps describing his float ideas to Bossman Ricky Croft. Bossman Ricky Croft actually rolls his eyes when John tells him that Janelle will be playing the "Queen Fairy." He probably rolls his eyes, thinking, "Shouldn't that be Tyler?" Proving that I'm right, Bossman Ricky Croft turns and asks Tyler what he's going to be wearing. He says he'll be wearing nothing. Meh. And also: don't.
Janelle asks Bossman Ricky Croft to have a conversation with her across the street. They sit at an outdoor café, ordering nothing. I hate that. At least get an iced tea or something. It's a business, douchebags. Anyway, the Queen Fairy launches into a whole speech in which she reveals some shocking things. She says that she was admitted to law school (really?) right before she came to Key West. And that she was planning to give up her "career" in makeup to pursue law. But, Janelle goes on to say, seeing Bossman Ricky Croft so passionate about something that "[he's] very convinced about" (heh) has given her the inspiration to pursue makeup, fuck the law. (Is she talking about Bossman Ricky being passionate about Mystic Tan or blogging? (Aw, he still has no comments on most entries. Aw, he still thinks The Real World is anyone's favorite reality show. That's so darling. Stay gold, Bossman Ricky Croft.) "If it makes you happy, everything else kind of really doesn't matter anymore, you know?" he says. Bossman Ricky Croft encourages Janelle, saying that "success is a journey," adding that she's touched him. And since she's touched him...he asks to hug her. She gives him an awkward hug. Aw, Bossman Ricky Croft has literally never affected anyone's life in a positive way, so this is really a big deal for him. Now, post-hug, Janelle and Bossman Ricky Croft find that they have to walk back across the street to the salon together. Awkward.
Wow, what a Bossman Ricky Croft-heavy episode. There is a weird montage of the kids' (replaced, post-flood) red MERCURY MILAN! driving for absolutely no reason other than commercial tie-in contracts, because now John and Bossman Ricky Croft and Tyler are painting their float somewhere near the house. Tyler is doing little fey leaps to try to paint the top, and paint is flying everywhere. John camera-frats that Tyler works for ten minutes and then gets distracted, so Bossman Ricky Croft has been instrumental in picking up the slack, since no one else is helping. Bossman Ricky Croft is only helping you, John, because he has zero friends and absolutely nothing to do. Haven't you figured that out by now? Smart ball-punching guy like you. Bossman Ricky Croft throws glitter onto the wet paint, causing John to say that Bossman Ricky Croft puts Tyler's glitter-throwing to shame. Horrible robot music plays.
Inside. House. Night. The "girls" get ready in the bathroom. Janelle puts on Tyler's makeup. (See, she's pursuing her goals already!) Too bad she's doing a suck-ass job. Tyler says it's funny how it worked out -- that FF has been postponed to right before they're leaving! Janelle looks at Tyler's makeup and says, "I'm going back into law." No, she actually says something more accurate: "You look so gay." She giggles. Tyler camera-queens that he's entering some strip contest that night at a club, in drag. We see him in a dress and giant joke afro.
The other kids put on togas, going to a toga party that night. Janelle's entire back is exposed. Dumb as a bag of rocks, that girl, but kinda hot.
Street. It's a madhouse. Then we're in a club and John enters a strip contest himself, showing his pixilated ass on stage. The roommates cheer and go nuts and John wins $200. Zach is conspicuously not dressed in a toga. Maybe it's against his religion?
Afterward, on the street, Jose is trying to get everyone to go to the gay club to support Tyler in his strip contest, but John and crew are drunk and John yells that he doesn't want to go to the gay club in the middle of this insane all-downtown party, so they don't. Jose grouses that no one will support Tyler, and he goes to the gay club himself. I ain't saying nothing, but Jose sure doesn't seem to need Mapquest to get to the gay club, if you know what I'm not sayin'. Why would anyone go support Tyler, anyway? Reap, sow, motherfucker.
Gay club. Tyler comes out in his dress and afro and dances around and then starts just doing high kicks with this stupid empty plastic smile on his face. Then he strips to his underwear and his afro keeps falling off and then he resorts back to high kicks and the experience is a lot like watching a senile Martha Raye thinking she's back on a USO tour. But then The Best Thing That Has Ever Happened happens. Tyler does one high kick too many...and falls off the stage. And with that one moment, the entire season has been rendered worth it. Thank you. Commercials.
We get a redo of the fall in slo-mo! Awesome. Tyler then gets right back up and, to his, eh, credit, smiles and goes right into splits to end the "routine." I think Tyler has "stripping" confused with "cheer squad." Anyway, Tyler camera-brats that part of winning a competition like this is having lots of friends there to cheer you on, but he only had two (Jose and some chick). Jose bitches to that chick about John "whining" and then everyone following him to not see Tyler. Dude is just mad no one listened to him. That's all. Tyler comes in second and he voice-overs, "I couldn't ask for anything more." Yes you could. You could ask for first place, stupid.
Key West. Night. Then day. A plane flies over the house. House. Tyler camera-brats that no one came to see him. He tells Paula he's unhappy that they didn't come to support him, going on to say the only reason the other guy won is that he had a lot of friends there. I really don't care to indulge Tyler in his little pissy party, so I'm not going to recap the rest of what happens. But basically, Paula apologizes and then Tyler talks to Zach and it ends with Zach throwing back in Tyler's face some retarded rah-rah crap Tyler obviously told Zach about doing what Zach wants to do and enjoying Key West and so that's what he did instead of coming to see Tyler...and Tyler has to drop it.
Day. Water. Moon. Night. Bossman Ricky Croft and John unveil the lit-up and smoke-machined float for the other kids. The kids love it. It has a disco ball and does look pretty cool. "Awesome," Paula declares.
The kids all dress for some '80s night contest event as "Our House" by Madness plays. Tyler looks ridiculous in a leotard. The kids all look very stupid. Then, out on the deck, Tyler shows them some "dance" routine, and inside they practice as we see John lying on a couch, not '80s-ed out at all. He informs us that the other kids planned this event when he was working on the float and left him out of it...but, he then adds, he didn't want to go anyway, so nah nah nah. He yawns, secretly heartbroken. "Let's do it up, '80s-style! That's how we roll," says Jose, to absolutely no one.
Downtown. Montage of crazy contests and floats. Club. The kids get ready and, while waiting backstage, we learn that the first-place winner gets $1000. Hm, almost worth looking like a complete asshole for. Almost.
The kids go out on stage and, as "Would I Lie To You?" plays, they do a lame dance routine. Janelle does a little Flashdance thing with legwarmers. Svet wasn't alive in the '80s so she has no idea what to do. Tyler starts doing high kicks again. Gah. Stop that! Janelle's ass looks incredible (sorry, it does), and they finish and start chanting "Go '80s!" and they win. They put their hands in the center and cheer, "'80s!" Somewhere, Kevin Bacon is rolling in his grave. Commercials.
Day. Signs. Harley rider. Crowds. Cop car. The Graphic of Stupid informs us that it's seven hours until the parade, and John is riding in the back of a pick-up, towing the float. He camera-frats that no one wants to help him with the float, even though he asked all the roommates. Bossman Ricky Croft helps out, which makes John quite happy and thankful.
At 3 PM, Bossman Ricky Croft calls the house and bitchily asks if Paula and the others are going to come down and help them with the float. Janelle hems and haws because it's "important" that they also look good for the parade. John tells us he needs the float to look good and be "a success," but I'm not exactly sure why or how success is measured during a drunken parade. Is he thinking of going into Floatery as a profession, and this is the sole entry in his portfolio?
Back at the house, Janelle bitches about John asking for help at the last minute, when she has to get her costume done. Not wanting to "jeopardize" her costume, she decides to stay home and not go help with the float.
Day. Floats. Floats. Floats. It's 4:30 PM, and Bossman Ricky Croft calls Zach to ask him and Jose to come help. Zach bitches to us that he knew John's working on the float meant that everything was going to be left to the last minute. For some reason, Zach is wearing heavy eyeliner. Yeah, okay.
Float fixing. Float fixing. Sawing. Putting in fake plants. John worries and wonders and says and it's too much work. "Barb," John's friend, shows up to help. Working. Working. Working. Exciting! Wait, just checking. This is the last episode, right?
6:00 PM. Jose and Zach walk, dressed as nerds. Zach tells us that the theme of the FF this year is "Freaks, Geeks, and Goddesses." They walk and do terrible, embarrassing nerd banter. I have to look away. I'm not kidding. I really do.
Key West. House. House. Svet and Tyler and Paula and Janelle get ready. They're all rushing to get downtown and onto the float within minutes.
Meanwhile, the nerds (Zach and Jose) show up at the float area and start helping. John bitches that the other four have had all day to get ready but instead they're at home screwing around, and now the float is leaving the staging area, those four absent.
Those four leave the house, late. They walk, not knowing where the float is and knowing the others are probably mad.
At the float, Zach calms John down and tells him that the float is great and his work is done and he should now relax and enjoy.
The four run. Svet's boobs almost fall out. More running.
I take a nap. Dream of a life of freedom and happiness. Wake up to more of this nonsense to recap. And they haven't even started packing to leave yet!
At 7 PM, the four stragglers find the float. God, Svet's and Janelle's boobs are all falling out for real. Gravity rules. John is pissed but decides just to enjoy the parade and "keep it in."
Parade montage! The kids ride the float and throw beads and shoot confetti shooters and scream. Crowd. Cheering. The float. Svet's boobs. Tyler shimmies. Zach makes a "nerd" face, but it's more like "angry lemur." Zach camera-talks that FF is loud and crowded and awesome. The kids demand to see boobies before throwing beads. Float. Float. Throwing. Laughing. Float. Crowd. You get the picture. John says nonsense about this proving Mystic Tan is a real business and has really made a "footprint" in this town. Um, just a question. Have we seen one customer in that fucking place since the "Grand" Opening? I didn't think so. Nice "footprint," tiny Chinese woman with bound feet.
Day after. Garbage on main street. A bulldozer cleans up. Someone rides a bike.
House. Sad plinky piano music plays as the kids start packing. John is sad to leave Mystic Tan. Yeah, only because he has his own little corner where he can nap.
Salon. The kids sit around as Bossman Ricky Croft lies to them that they did a good job and did it on their own. Now begins the excuse-making. Bossman Ricky Croft says that no business could possibly be successful with two hurricanes coming through, and moreover that the business is dependent on tourism and that took a giant hit. Well, or perhaps a business model where you are dependent on tourism is not a great one. Or perhaps again, locals should be the ones who would really want a quick tan, not tourists who are probably going to spend all their time on the beach anyway, so the argument is flawed. Either way, they failed. Bossman Ricky Croft chokes up as he tells them all some bullshit about how they can all be successful in life. Tyler listens with that fucking face that I won't miss one iota. He camera-talks that he's sure he'll be talking to Bossman Ricky Croft in the future because he admires him and also counts him as a friend. Well, that makes one of you.
Bossman Ricky Croft goes on to get to the payment part of the evening. He asks the kids how much money Mystic Tan has in its bank. They have about a thousand dollars. Wow! That's a fucking failed business right there. Good job, guys! It's kind of impressive to fail that utterly. Bossman Ricky Croft says that he was so upset to learn that number, that he called Corporate and told them he needed a bunch of money to give to seven people who stood by the brand. Bossman Ricky Croft reveals he is giving them collectively $35,000. The kids are cued to scream and act happy. They "mob" Bossman Ricky Croft. They chant "Mystic Tan on demand." Eh. Zach camera-fros that this makes working there all this time for so little money worth it. The kids walk out for the last time. Paula and Jose give sad looks. Jose babbles about it being a shame that it's all going away. That is exactly the opposite way that I feel about this show. Commercials.
Okay, so thus begins the endless lead-up to the cabs arriving. Let the platitudes and lessons learned and "wow, I changed sooooo much"-es begin.
Night. Downtown. People. Motorcycle. The kids head back to "their" table at a restaurant called BLUE HEAVEN! and Paula says that this is extra-special to her because the last time the kids went here, they went without her and just shit-talked her. (I totally searched through the first few recaps for that moment, but couldn't find it. Just too many instances of "The roommates discuss how fucking crazy Paula is" to narrow it down. Sorry.) Jose camera-brows that Paula has been through a lot and has come out well and that it's "awesome." They babble. Tyler jokes that John was the only one who ever emptied the dishwasher. Paula decides that they're a "family" because they talk shit within the group but will defend each other to any outside interlopers. Just like China! Paula thinks she'll know all of them forever. No she won't. John will miss them all and it'll be hard to leave and "all good things must come to an end." I was going to say, "Yeah, like your fifteen minutes," but then I realized that the value of being on the Real World has been so eroded, it's maybe two and a half minutes of fame, tops
Key West from above. Night. House. Man, I gotta tell you. After twenty-four episodes of this shit, I'm just glad to see the editors mixing up their establishing shots so much. See, there, a few months ago they might have gone with ocean, moon, house, but instead they fucking zigged, boy, and went aerial shot, house. That's some inspiring reality television-makin'!
House. Tyler goes to sleep on the couch. Svet and John are already asleep on the couch. As are Jose, Zach, and Paula. Again, subtle music tie-in lyrics proclaim in a whiny voice, "I'm starting to understand."
A little later, Paula is up in the phone room talking to her horrible abusive boyfriend, Keith. Keith asks, in his usual pointed way, if they're all partying hard this last night, and Paula surprises (pleases) him by saying that everyone fell asleep on the couch already. He misses her like crazy, he says. ("Crazy" being the operative word here.) Paula says that it's going to be weird for her to be home and Keith ignores her obvious desire to discuss their future and says that he can't wait to "hug" her. Perfect, all better now! Paula camera-thins this fantastic decision which will no doubt work out flawlessly -- that she and Keith are going to try living together. They are also going to go to couples counseling, but I really don't know why when her few sessions with Dr. Covan have clearly healed her completely. Paula says how nice the roommates' dinner together was that night, and that leaving is going to be hard. Shots of the kids asleep as she walks slowly through the living room.
Okay, wait. Let me get something straight. Is leaving tomorrow going to be "hard"? Because I don't think I've been told that enough yet.
Later, Paula sits alone in the house. She tells us she can't sleep and, while packing, she discovers a poem that she wrote when she first got to Key West and was in a bad way. So she decides to type out the poem and give it to the roommates. They'll appreciate that. Why don't you hurry up, do that, and not read it to us while you-- Aw, dammit. So she's reading it to us and during the poem we get flashbacks, complete with echo-y "audio from the past" sounds. Paula gets into the car with Jose. Paula cries to Zach outside the bar and says that she feels "so sad." The kids carry Paula into the vancab. Paula cries to Svet and says it's so hard. John tells Paula that she has a clean slate. Paula tells Tyler that she's learning to love herself. Paula then confessionals, crying that she loves the roommates. Paula then slowly creeps through the living room, putting the poems down to each sleeping roommate. Kill them! Do it! She leaves the room, perhaps killing them anyway as she leaves a whole bunch of candles burning. Do you think that, if the house were burning down, the producers would intervene? Where exactly do the rules of documentaries stand on that? It's a good question. Commercials.
If you haven't been to Paula's MySpace page, you're seriously missing out. (Now even less browser-crashy than ever!) On it, she blogs her poem for our enjoyment, due to "overwhelming" requests. Check it out!
My Strangers by Paula Walnuts [all sic]
Falling apart
Pull it together
Too late, it's here
I'm broken down
Way down
To where it is hidden
Hidden even to myself
Shrouded in smiles
Hopelessly hoping
Fake laughter leaps from my mouth
Can they tell?
Happy enough to fool them
All of them
And by them
I mean only myself
Perhaps this will go away
If I can just keep going
I am OK
Stop staring at my charades
Let me breath
Help me breath
I can do this, never mind
Ignore this
It will be gone tomorrow
Wake up six times
Twelve eyes see
Whisper and concern
Just a bad day
See through my lies
My scars
My tears
My flying off the handle
That I have drunk from
You are not OK
Says who?
You don't know a thing
I am a stranger
But my stangers still see
Strangers are coming closer
I can almost see them clearly
Wait, are they going to hurt me?
No
They see me hurt
Not going anywhere
Leave me alone
Go. Run Away
Return to problems
That never seem to lose me
So, I am lost
Scared, sad and alone
In this same place
That is everywhere
That is nowhere
But different now
Now I have you
To be lost with
To be found with
So you are not leaving me in here
Taking me with
By forcing me out
Why strangers?
I am a cause
A lost one
I am broken
I can do this alone
No I can't
I don't have to this time
I thank you for not listening
I thank you for staying
I thank you for my life
I thank you for being you
I thank you for being my family
I thank you for being my strangers.
Wow. That's a lot of "thank you"s there at the end!
Then below the poem, Paula writes the nicknames for all six roommates:
Svetlana ~ Fitzy Boom
Jose ~ Jose Ole
John ~ Johnny Bananas
Zach ~ Jachery
Janelle ~ Janelly Belly
Tyler ~ Ty Ty.
I would like to just remind you of this shocking piece of information easily forgotten: Paula is twenty-five. Not sixteen, not twenty-one. Twenty-five.
Morning. Clouds. Ocean. Key West. Houses. Tyler and Zach bond and hug on the deck. Zach thinks it's "surreal" to be leaving. Tyler thinks he took the ocean view for granted. Tyler thinks he's leaving with "six friends." Yeah, and about 1.5 million enemies. They laugh and joke and hug.
Ocean. Candle, which sadly did not burn down the house. The sleepy kids wake to find Paula's poem. Zach and Svet go to the sleeping Paula and thank her for the poem and cuddle with her. Zach camera-fros that Paula reminds them that no matter how bad things get, they can always get better. Ah, good. So that's the message we're pushing with Paula? Got it. I was unclear before but I think the fine editorial thematic choices are beginning to come through. You know, it's almost as if someone were crafting all this footage to tell a very specific story. Almost like writers! Crazy talk.
More packing. Packing. Dragging bags downstairs. John and Paula discuss how they're all going to cry soon. "My life in three bags," says Jose. Whatever. Get your camera time in now.
The kids sit around. A pink cab pull up; shockingly, it's not for Tyler. It's for Zach. The kids hug Zach. Paula confessionals that Zach is very positive. While they all hug and Paula cries, John camera-talks the same thing. Tyler cries ugly. Zach confessionals that he has zero regrets about his time there. Friends forever, etc. "Six," says Paula, once he's gone. Sigh.
Another knock. Linda Hunt comes to the door and asks for "Michelle." Svet says there is no Michelle. Since Janelle is at least half smart, she guesses that Linda Hunt actually means her. No one is sad to see Janelle go. Paula camera-talks that Janelle is confident and a diva but a "sweetheart." Outside now. Hugs. Janelle says that she's taken a lot from this experience and now has a huge "level of understanding" about herself and other people. Sure. On display in every episode.
Jose sings "Paula Walnuts," and then asks to talk to Paula alone on the couch. He's so fucking creepy. He whispers, all "sincere," crying that he wants Paula to be strong. She nods, and then tells us that it's hard to say goodbye to Jose because he has such a big heart...and absolutely no personality or interest in girls. She and Jose hug and whisper about making the right decisions. Cry. Hug. Rub. Wipe tears. Awful song plays.
"Let's do it," Jose tells himself in the mirror. Out on the deck, he hugs Tyler, who cries. Tyler says he loves Jose and that they'll always be tight. Jose hugs them all. Tyler cries again. Paula cries. Jose says that he's learned not to judge books by their covers. He walks off and gets into the FORD! The kids are sadder to see the FORD! go; they actually say goodbye to it. Jose drives off and confessionals about how "real" the experience was. How long it did take him to think that one up? He wipes away a tear and we see him drive off in an overheard shot.
The remaining four sit outside. Cab pulls up for John. They cry again. Svet will miss him. John loves Svet. Hugs. Tyler cries again. Tyler confessionals that he loves John like a brother, even though he's a punk. John and Paula hug. "I'm so glad you pulled through," John tells Paula. He feels like he's grown. He gets into the cab and, with scratchy "fun" music playing, he drives off. You know, because John is fun.
Now a boat pulls up to the dock. The boat guy informs them that the boat is just for Svet and Tyler. Heh. They depart, leaving Paula alone. Tyler falls down the stairs outside trying to carry his bag! Two falls in one episode. Is it my birthday? (Okay, the handle of his bag legitimately broke, but still. He fell and it was awesome and you can't take it away from me.) Paula confessionals that she's never met someone as silly and smart as Tyler. They hug, cry, etc. Paula says, "He high-kicked his way to the top of my list." Genius. More crying and they'll see each other soon. Tyler has learned from Paula to let people in. Now to Svet. Paula and Svet whisper that they love each other. Hot. Paula says that Svet was the one who didn't let her "fall." Svet says that Paula was her comfort and was always there for her. Tyler says that this isn't the end, and that they'll always be a family. The boat takes off and air kisses fly and "I love you!"s and tears and hugs and then Paula is alone. You know, because she's all fucked up.
Paula drags her bags outside, and as she gets in her cab, she tells us that this experience was liberating and that she's not scared to go home. She should be, because a fucking wicked beatdown awaits her there. As she arrives at the airport, she confessionals that she fell in love with seven people. "Wait," you say to yourself, "but she only has six roommates." Smart, but she's thought of that. Paula says, "Six roommates...and myself." See. Don't fucking try to call Paula out on her math skills. She'll fuck you up.
Paula gets onto the a tiny puddle-jumper. She confessionals that, as much as the kids drove her crazy, they saved her life. The plane takes off...and crashes into Tyler and Svet's boat. Aw, tragic.
Well, that's it. Love you all for sticking around. Now go wash up, because I don't know about you, but after all that, I feel really dirty. Peace the fuck!