Previously on The Real World: The roommates went to Australia. A drunk Alton told Steven that he had "the first threesome of [his] life," and begged Steven to "forget everything [he] said." Trishelle thought that by telling Irulan he loves her and then hooking up with other girls, Alton is making Irulan look like a fool. Irulan realized what Alton was up to and cried and cried and threatened to just go home to her boyfriend, Gabe. That's right, her boyfriend.
Irulan packs her things. In an interview, Irulan says she can't deal with the situation, and that she's too wrapped up with Alton, "knowing that at some point [she'll] have to confront things in [her] real life with [her] boyfriend." So what she's doing right now is her fake life? Irulan says she's overwhelmed and confused, and rather than make sense of it, she's running away. Well, points for being honest, I guess. But it's kind of like Cara last season where just because you can admit what your issue is doesn't mean you can get away with not dealing with it.
The roommates come home and look for Irulan. Alton is shocked that she's actually packing to leave, and asks Brynn how the whole thing started. Brynn says she doesn't know, and that she suggested that Irulan open her eyes. Alton doesn't get what Brynn is talking about. Brynn says she's heard things, and Alton thinks the whole thing is bullshit. Brynn tries to pull Trishelle into the conversation. Trishelle says that her random Australian friend said that Alton hooked up with some girl. Alton says that's wrong. Steven is sitting there, totally silent on the matter. Trishelle brings up the letter Alton allegedly wrote, and Alton denies the whole thing. Why would Random Australian Dude lie about that? In an interview, Trishelle says she knows Alton did hook up with other girls in Australia. Trishelle denies telling Irulan anything, and adds that if she could prevent Irulan from being made to look like a fool, she would.
Steven finally stands up and says, "She has a boyfriend!" Thank you! I'm saying. Alton says it doesn't matter, because he loves Irulan. I don't really get what Alton is trying to say here, but then again, I never really get what Alton is saying. What doesn't matter exactly? That she has a boyfriend? He'll still love her if she has a boyfriend? Okay. What does that have to do with anything? I don't know. In an interview, Alton says he doesn't believe he's the reason Irulan wants to leave the house, and that he's "just trying to love and live." Aren't we all? Man, if you had told me earlier this season that Brynn and Steven would be the voices of reason, I would have laughed and laughed.
In an interview, Irulan says she's disgusted by the whole situation and wants to remove herself from it. Arissulan talk in the smokers' lounge. They should just put cameras out here, since it seems like the only place anyone ever hangs out. Arissa says she won't let Irulan leave. Irulan says she can't explain her reasoning well, but that she doesn't like the way she's acting, and that she's impulsive. Arissa reminds her that they've all done things that seem stupid in retrospect, and that they will all be judged. Arissa wants Irulan to walk out with her head high for finishing the thing. Arissa adds that she might need therapy after seeing replays of herself "getting clocked by the confessional door." Yeah, that was awesome. Good times. Irulan starts laughing. In an interview, Irulan says that when Arissa made light of the situation, it seemed less overwhelming. Steven and Trishelle walk out and find Arissulan giggling. Irulan admits that she's feeling better and she's not leaving. In an interview, Irulan says she doesn't want to walk away from a situation because she can't deal with it, because that would make her a quitter. Arissa tells Irulan she's got some unpacking to do. So that's it? The big cliffhanger is resolved in the first two minutes of the episode? That's horseshit.
Arissa, Irulan, and Brynn have drinks in the bar. Irulan talks about confronting Alton and asks Arissa what she's heard about Alton's behavior because she hates being in the dark. Arissa says that apparently at least one of the rumors is true; the one that Alton had a threesome. Irulan clarifies that Alton told Steven that, and Arissa says that's what she was told. By whom? Who did Steven tell? Arissa says that it's possible that Alton is a pathological liar and could have lied about having a threesome. Well, it's possible, but if it is, why would he beg Steven not to tell anyone? In an interview, Arissa says that Alton lied either to Steven or Irulan. Irulan says she feels like steam will come out of her ears because she's so mad. So now she's a cartoon character? If Alton continues to lie to her, will her head turn into a giant sucker?
In an interview, Irulan says she can't wait to tell Alton what she thinks about his actions. She stalks into Alton's room, wakes him up, and says she needs to talk to him. They go to the smokers' lounge. Irulan says he can't get away with lying to her. Alton denies that he did anything wrong. Irulan says he told someone he had a threesome. Alton asks whom he said that to. What, he forgot? I guess so. Irulan says it doesn't matter, but Alton really wants to know. Irulan screams that she has always asked him to be honest. In an interview, Alton says that Irulan won't listen to him. Alton says he didn't have a threesome in Australia, although it would be cool if he had. Alton says, "I drink, I get girls, I have fun, I go to school, I do my thing." The "go to school" part kind of threw me. Irulan says that Alton will hook up with anything in Vegas that breathes and has a pussy. Ah, the "two tits, a heartbeat, and a hole" school of thought. Irulan is pissed that now she just looks like another one of Alton's conquests. Alton says she did it to herself, and swears on his dead little brother that he didn't have a threesome in Australia. Dude, that's just wrong. Irulan says she just wants him to admit it, and that he needs to know that he's not conning anyone anymore. In an interview, Alton says it hurts that Irulan doesn't believe him. In an interview, Irulan says that she and Alton are "done, done, done, done." Yeah, right. Irulan walks away. Alton yells, "Fuck you!" Irulan replies, "You already did, really hard. Bitch!" I think she meant that he fucked her over, but I thought she meant that he literally fucked her hard, and I was a bit grossed out by that.
Irulan stalks through the apartment, calling out that Alton is "disgusting and despicable." Alton walks in and finds the rest of his roommates sitting around, probably totally listening in on their conversation. Come on, wouldn't you be? Alton asks who said that he had a threesome, because he never said he did. Arissa asks if he's really saying that he didn't tell anyone that. Alton says he didn't. Steven sits there and says nothing, like, speak up, dude! He clearly already told one of the other roommates, so I don't know why he's being so shy now. Alton turns to Steven and asks if he said he'd had a threesome. Steven says he's not getting into it. Alton keeps asking, and Steven won't give an answer, like, just admit it! He's bugging me. In a confessional, Irulan says that hearing Alton deny everything and to have the other roommates stay silent was frustrating.
Alton tells Irulan that she already knew he was "hooking up with mad girls" before they even started hooking up with each other. Irulan says she's not mad at him for anything he's ever done. Alton says she screamed at him about his birthday. Irulan says he has zero respect for her, because he told her he loved her and then went and hooked up with some other girl. In a confessional, Alton says that Irulan isn't a victim, so he won't feel sorry for her. Alton says that Irulan said she loved him even though she had a boyfriend. Irulan denies that she said she loved him. Oh, she totally did. Alton says she did more than once. Arissa interrupts and says that it's a bad situation, and she thinks that they should try to figure out a way to coexist in the house. In an interview, Irulan says she doesn't feel like she can give Alton the benefit of the doubt. Irulan says she won't be lied to. Alton tells Steven that Irulan won't believe him no matter what. Arissa tells Alton to put on a shirt and come with her downstairs to the bar so they can talk. In an interview, Alton says that this wouldn't have happened if he had been true to his emotions and treated Irulan the way he would have liked to treat her. You know, I'd really like to have an opinion on this whole matter, but I have no fucking idea what in the hell is going on anymore.
In the bar, Arissa tells Alton that she loves him and that he's a good friend, but that she doesn't like the way he treats women. In an interview, Arissa says that Alton is upset, but she explained that he put himself in that position. Alton mumbles that he wants to do the right thing, but he messed up, and "this whole Irulan thing was just a redemption song for [himself]." What? Is it any wonder I'm confused? In an interview, Alton says that Irulan doesn't believe he cares enough to have strong feelings for her. Alton asks Arissa if he should just stay away from Irulan, and Arissa nods. The camera pans over to reveal that Irulan is totally spying on them. Hee! Arissa says that toward the end of their stay, they might be able to talk. In an interview, Arissa says that she doesn't think Alton and Irulan can be friends anymore. Am I supposed to be sad about that? Because my dominant emotion right now is a shitload of not giving a fuck.
Irulan talks to Arissa about her open relationship with Gabe. Irulan says that it worked because Gabe was in Connecticut and she was in New York. In an interview, Irulan says she's nervous to talk to Gabe about Alton because he told her not to hook up with one of her roommates. She adds that Gabe thought it would turn into something more serious, and that he was right. Arissa asks if Irulan still thinks she should have an open relationship. Irulan says she would rather see her relationship survive, and can give up dating other people. In an interview, Arissa says that Irulan and Alton "saw something in each other" that allowed them to ignore "the consequences of their actions" and "live within the moment." Oh, just say it. They were horny for each other. Let's not dress it up. Irulan says that a physical relationship ruins friendship. In an interview, Arissa says that they have to face the consequences of their action. Irulan says the whole situation has made her realize that she loves Gabe. In an interview, Irulan says that the situation with Alton was not "some subconscious plot to ruin her relationship." She thought she could do it and it would be okay. Does anyone really care about Irulan and Gabe? Besides Irulan and Gabe, of course? No. No one does. This is fucking boring. Irulan says she fucked it up.
Irulan calls Gabe. In a confessional, Irulan says that whatever happens will happen. Irulan tells Gabe that she's been dreading the conversation because she feels foolish. So, it's not that she regrets what she did because it might have hurt him. It's that she feels dumb because Alton wasn't completely in love with her. Got it. In a confessional, Irulan says she put Gabe in a bad position by doing things and then telling him rather than the other way around. Irulan says she does better when everything is fine with them. Gabe asks if she was seeing Alton on a nightly basis. Irulan admits that Alton was sleeping in her bed every night. Gabe asks why she thought he would be cool with that. In an interview, Irulan says it was the one thing Gabe asked her not to do, and if she's not capable of having some self-control, she doesn't know why he would stay with her. Gabe basically tells Irulan not to bother calling him anymore and that they'll talk when she gets home. Irulan says she'll talk to him in two months. Two months! They have two months left! Jesus, I thought the season was almost over. Irulan hangs up and runs off, crying.
In an effort to reward the people who have read this far, I've decided to include a sidebar I like to call, "The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week". I'm automatically excluding anything already recapped for this site. Anyway, the most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the episode of Little House where Albert gets addicted to morphine. So Pa brings Albert back to Walnut Grove, not knowing that Albert was on the smack, and then Albert sneaks into Doc Baker's office and steals morphine and replaces it with powdered sugar and then some old dude is, like, dying and Doc gives him powdered sugar and when the dude is all, "It still hurts!" Doc totally figures it out because he's super-smart (even though he kind of looks like Frankenstein's monster) and then he tells Pa and they search Albert's stuff and find the smack. So then Albert promises to quit but he goes to school and starts tweaking out and he punches some kid and then backhands the teacher and runs out! And that's not even the awesome part. So then Pa decides that he and Albert need to go to a cabin in the middle of the woods so that Albert can detox and at one point Albert wakes up and says he can't breathe so Pa takes him outside and Albert knocks Pa down! And starts running through the woods and the music is all like an organ grinder like "Ooh, look at Albert running through the woods! Isn't that hilarious? Whee!" So he trips on a root or something and Pa catches him and takes him back to the cabin. And then Albert wakes up again later on and his legs are twitching uncontrollably and he begs Pa to make it stop so Pa is, like, holding him down and then Albert goes, "Bleeeaargh!" and pukes up this white stuff everywhere! And Pa's like, "Let it out, son!" And then Albert pukes up the white stuff like four more times. And there is a ton of it everywhere. And that was the most awesome thing I saw on TV last week. Oh, so then Albert goes back to school and gives a "Just Say No" speech to the kids, like was there really danger of a drug problem in Walnut Grove? I don't think so.
But back to The Real World. Some stupid song about a lonely day plays as Alton goes rock-climbing in a gym with his climbing partner, Amanda. In an interview, Alton says he's definitely lost a friend, and that Irulan's friendship means the world to him. Alton adds that he came out there thinking he'd hook up a lot, and then he found the possibility of love. Alton tells Amanda that this is the first time in his life he hasn't had a girlfriend, so he went wild. Alton thinks Irulan knew all this before they got together, but she's afraid she'll look like the girl who got played. In an interview, Alton says he sabotaged the relationship, and that he doesn't remember telling Steven that he had a threesome, and if he did, it was a joke. Whatever. I seriously could not care less.
Irulan comes home really, really drunk. Brynn hugs her and tells her to go to bed. In an interview, Irulan says that the situation between her and Alton is really uncomfortable, and that they have to live together seven more weeks. Seven more weeks! Ugh. Alton comes into Irulan's room and she screams that he makes her "steaming mad." Alton says he's going to put her in a full Nelson and a headlock, and they start wrestling. Well, it's kind of wrestling but also kind of feeling each other up and it makes me feel very dirty to watch. In an interview, Alton says that it's like moving away and then coming home and seeing your friend, but you can't express how you feel in words, so you poke him. I don't know. He said it, not me. Like, that might have been cool at age ten, but I think most adults would just say, "I miss you." Alton and Irulan roll around on the bed, onto the floor, onto the other bed, and back on the floor. At one point, they throw water on each other and then Irulan executes a decent drop kick from the bed. They run out into the apartment and start wrestling on the pool table, and Irulan's shirt totally comes off and her boob is hanging out. Then they start fencing with pool cues. Irulan's cue breaks in half so she whips half of it at him and breaks something. Brynn sleepily walks out of her room and says that she has people over, and asks if they could keep it down. They apologize. Brynn says that they're "screaming like banshees" and that it's not cool.
Alton and Irulan walk out to the smoking lounge. In an interview, Irulan says that they were able to sit down and talk about things. She adds, "I'm glad that the wrestlemania has opened things up so that we can do that." Irulan is still really drunk as she says she thought Alton was real and different and special. Alton reminds her that he was hooking up with other girls before they got together, and Irulan made the decision to get involved with him. Irulan says that she knows she made a bad choice, and she wishes she could hate him for what he did, but she knows it was really her own decision. And then my recording totally cuts off, but from what I remember, Irulan basically takes responsibility for making the bad choices that led to where they are, and says that they should have just stayed friends and never gotten physical. And then they go to bed and Alton totally tries to sleep in Irulan's bed and she throws him the hell out.