It's time once again to find out what lucky losers will be the recipients of constant scrutiny and the butt of our jokes this season on Real World and Road Rules. Every year, the casting special has to have a gimmick. Last year, they had some of the losers host the special. This year, they had some losers host the special again, but in a different way: These losers are Real World and Road Rules alumni. Our hosts this evening are David from RW Seattle, Janet from RW Seattle, Judd from RW San Francisco, Sarah from RR Latin American and Shawn from RR Semester At Sea. We will be taking a look at sixteen finalists. Seven will go to Real World and six will go to Road Rules. Each finalist has to do a home video, interviews with casting directors and former Real World and Road Rules cast members, and go on a "casting date" with staff.
Stee: I just want to put it out there that I'm missing The Lyricist Lounge Show for this. They rap and act. Anyway...So David, he's pretty much run this gig to the ground now. Can't he let it go yet?
Kim: He has the same tired schtick all the time. Like grow or evolve or something.
Stee: The accent works for him. I loved him on Challenge 2000. He is such a douche. I liked fat drunk cheating Nathan better. When Nathan cheated and then cried to his girlfriend when she was there, I rewound that scene eight times.
Kim: I have a grudging respect for David because he amuses me with his drama.
Stee: Yes. And I liked when he beat some ass outside the bar. He's very gay though. Poor Judd with the hair loss.
Kim: Judd looked super-skinny to me.
Stee: He's battling something. And what's up with Snoop Doggy Shawn?
Kim: Shawn is a non-entity to me. It's like he doesn't exist. You say, "Shawn," and I say, "Who?"
Stee: Very much so. I loved when he said, about one finalist, "He hid the playa, yo."
The first finalist is Holly, a twenty-one-year-old from Maryville, Tennessee. She's got long, light brown hair and a thick Southern accent, sometimes. Holly talked a lot about her "ghetto booty," then she sang a song about how her "dream is to be black." We also found out that she's a virgin. Her dad is a former hippie and her mom was the 1984 Miss Tennessee Bodybuilding Champion. How scary is that? Anyway, she just found out that her parents are getting a divorce. She had an interview with Kameelah from RW Boston, who pointed out that Holly has a "fascination with ghetto culture." Holly is wearing the jacket Michael Jackson wore in the video for "Beat It." She even does some Michael Jackson dance moves. Holly says that people call her "white chocolate" because she looks white on the outside, but on the inside, she is all black. An onscreen pop-up tells us that Holly works on her college's student evangelism team.
Kim: I didn't get it. If she was honestly like that, whatever, but she was trying way too hard.
Stee: What's up with all of the Christians all of a sudden?
Kim: Everyone is also from the South.
Stee: I think Green Acres did the wacky redneck stuff already. And Jeff Foxworthy. Funny man, that one.
Kim: Jeff Foxworthy equals comic gold. And what is a "student evangelism team"?
Stee: "I'll take 'God's Wrath' for two-hundred, Bob." She was all, "Oh, my poor divorcing parents." I guess MTV has to show "tragedy" when they think we're not liking a character.
Kim: Every single one was like, "I'm funny -- but my life is tragic. I'm a sad fucking clown."
Then finalist is Laterrian, a twenty-two-year-old from Stanley, North Carolina. His parents were poor when they were younger -- his mom only had two pairs of jeans! But now they both drive Lexuses (Lexi?) This summer, he read Leaves of Grass and Collected Poems of Langston Hughes. He wants to be above average and serve as a role model. He wants to be a doctor or a professor, and work with kids. A Road Rules producer comes in and accuses Laterrian of being "full of shit," because he was a "bad boy" on his audition tape and now he's "wearing a halo." The audition tape shows Laterrian's friend saying that Laterrian just kicked out a girl, and made her cry. Back in the interview, Laterrian says he's not full of shit because there are two people -- Laterrian and "T." Laterrian will stay home and read until 2 AM, but then "T" will start calling girls to come over. He says that he and his friends "fall in the pussy." Laterrian doesn't think it's fair because Kameelah wants Laterrian and the Road Rules guys wants "T." Kameelah says she just wants him to "keep it real." Laterrian replies, "Keeping it real? That's my specialty."
Stee: What about latrine, or whatever his name was?
Kim: Hee! He was so fake.
Stee: The dual personality. Me, Myself, & Laterrian. I'd like to see an Ugly Real World. Everyone is too hot. Did you see Kameelah watching Laterrian? There was a puddle on the floor.
Kim: I loved the RR producer coming in and telling Laterrian he was full of shit.
Stee: Yeah. Wow. That was "believable." Good acting, that guy. He was playing Good Cop/Stilted Cop.
Kim: What was up with him saying he falls in the pussy?
Stee: I know, does insurance cover that? That would make an interesting lawyer slip and fall commercial. I think Laterrian is Shawn, without the tight braids. Maybe it WAS Shawn. He wants another shot.
Kelley is twenty-three and from Fayetteville, Arkansas. She says she feels like she is "consistently judged wrong [sic]" and that she has people in her life trying to take her down. The casting director tells her that someone said Kelley was so insecure about her looks that she wouldn't leave the house without makeup until six months ago. Kelley's all, "Who said that?" and then complains about how this is what she meant before. Everyone thinks just because she likes to wear makeup to "the bars," that means she can't go without it. She feels she has to "double-time it on the intelligence factor" to prove herself. Kelley likes to talk about sex, and what she wants. She tells guys, "Don't do the rabbit," and then demonstrates what she means by that. While talking about one guy she wasn't compatible with, she holds up her pinky to indicate that he was, ahem, less than well-endowed.
Kim: Paranoid. Like creepy.
Stee: The small dick thing -- she's "sassy." I hope that ex-boyfriend kicks her ass. Blondecutewhatever. She blends in for me.
Kim: Dude, that dick thing was so wrong, but the only semblance of personality she exhibited.
Stee: Right.
After the hosts discuss the finalists a little, we move right on to finalist #4. Jamie is a twenty-two-year-old from Chicago, Illinois. He is enjoying his college life at Cornell, but he is also "psyched" to see what happens after college. He runs an e-commerce website with some friends. Kameelah tells him that he strikes her as a "rich, privileged white boy." Jamie says he's not "cookie-cutter" and that he wakes up every morning to "a big portrait of Nelson Mandela." When he was in high school, he hosted a show called "BAH -- Black Artist Hour." Jamie says he is fortunate, but the stereotyping is wrong. A new interviewer comes in to replace Kameelah. Jamie calls Kameelah "Shaka Zulu," and says she was "militant." He feels that people pigeonhole him based on his face, and that he knows he is lucky. In fact, he's "a pimp," and he's psyched to be where he is.
Kim: He's down with the homies.
Stee: I love the Mandela poster defense. "No, I own a Prince album! I saw Big Momma's House! I looooove the Negroes! I mean, black folk. I mean..." I bet he plays lacrosse.
Kim: I couldn't believe he called Kameelah "Shaka Zulu."
Stee: It was sort of mean how Kameelah was getting all in his case. Shaka was a funny-ass comment. Poor stupid Jamie. But he did say, "I'm a pimp."
Kim: I repeat, he is down with the homies.
Stee: You know he's on Road Rules just for that. Road Rules is such the punishment league.
Kim: Road Rules is the redheaded stepchild.
Stee: "You fucked up. You're on Road Rules!" It's the MTV ghetto.
Finalist #5 is Melissa, a twenty-two-year-old from Tampa, Florida. Melissa explains that her father is black and her mother is Filipino. She tells a story about her parents watching scrambled cable pornography, and then talks about her mother's love of the layaway policy at K-Mart. Melissa has had problems being friends with girls, especially when she was younger. White girls don't want to hang out with her because she's black. Black girls didn't want to hang out with her because she's "too white" and they called her "MC Proper" because of the way she talked. She doesn't feel she is "ladylike." She doesn't have sex, but she likes to talk about it. She really wants to get out of Tampa.
Stee: Should Margaret Cho sue Melissa for stealing her stand-up routine?
Kim: Yeah, let's laugh about my funny non-American parents. Did you see any of the commercials previewing the new season?
Stee: I tried to ignore them, but I know she's all throwing chairs.
Kim: I admire throwing chairs. That made me like her more than anything else.
Stee: Well, if she hit Irene, that would make me admire her even more.
Kim: I hope they make her go to anger management class. I'm just psyched to see her blow up. It's nice to see a chick who is upfront instead of wishy washy or a back-stabber.
Stee: I know. I like her. And she doesn't have sex much either. All the blondes have sex. Everyone else is all Christian.
Kim: She might get on my nerves though.
Stee: Oh, she will.
Danny, a twenty-two-year-old from Rockmart, Georgia is Finalist #6. Piggy from RR Australia interviews him. Piggy asks him to play word association and when she says, "Guilty pleasures," he replies, "One-night stands." Piggy asks him how many sexual partners is too many, and Danny says, "More than one in a day." He lives with his former girlfriend, who says Danny is cute and he knows it. Danny asks the casting people what their perceptions of him are, and they says he seems like a bad boy who likes trouble. Danny says that he does. He's from a small town, but he always knew there was much more on the outside.
Stee: Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. Piggy wanted some.
Kim: I love Piggy but she always wants some.
Stee: She needs to get her Limey ass laid. Poor girl.
Kim: What's with putting your ex in your audition tape?
Stee: I know. She's going to HATE him soon.
Kim: I thought he was pretty boring. I didn't see the rampant sex appeal.
Stee: David wanted him some though.
Kim: David most definitely was on that.
Stee: "He's wicked awesome." He loved the smile. I think he's down for some. Well...only Nathan knows for sure.
Kim: I don't like when David smiles because he has bad breath. It creeps me out.
Stee: David would so kick my ass if he read this. I'm kidding, David. Hee hee! Hello? You're all man, with your mousse...
Kim: And your v-neck sweater. I think I saw nipple.
The finalist is David, a twenty-two-year-old from Chicago, Illinois. He does a funny audition tape where he pretends to be an opera singer. It's kind of difficult to describe. He says he doesn't like to wear too many clothes. Kameelah asks him if he met women when he went on his casting "date." We see tape of the date, where the women are just flocking to him. David says, "Don't hate the playa, hate the game." A casting director asks him to define perfection and he says that he wants to have a "deep well of knowledge, mind, body and spirit." The casting director points out that humans make mistakes, and David says that he doesn't want to be human.
Stee: 4.0 GPA. HUGE. Gets lots of women. I'd like to be him. I'd lose the nose ring though.
Kim: I dug him until he got all spiritual. He had me and then he lost me.
Stee: He got all "Grasshopper" on our ass. Janet had to be toweled off by a PA. On the preview you can see he makes Melissa throw a chair.
Kim: SPOILER: He almost leaves the house like four times because he hates everyone. I think it's because he gets stuck with all the white Christians and Melissa Cho.
Stee: Poor guy. He could go move in with Puck and Irene. I once had an audition here in L.A. and someone was in the room for twenty minutes and I was . The door opened and Puck came out. I was all, well, I didn't get it. Puck ruins everything. He killed Pedro.
Kim: Puck needs medication.
Stee: I think he's self-medicating.
Finalist #8 is Kathryn, a twenty-one-year-old from Thedalles, Oregon. She was raised on a cherry farm, and raised animals for fun and profit. Her father had very high expectations of her in both academics and sports, and he always told her she was above average. Piggy asks her how many sexual partners is too many, and she says she doesn't have a number. In her audition tape, she says that any sexual problem can be solved with duct tape. Guys always want to come back to her place because her bed is "legendary." She tells a long story about a guy named Nate who was feeling her ass in a bar, and thought she wasn't wearing any underwear, but really she was wearing a thong, and she proved it to him. Then she told him to "come upstairs" because she wanted to "play" with him. The final shot is of her riding a mechanical bull in a bar somewhere.
Stee: "Cherry" farmer.
Kim: "Legendary" bed.
Stee: I'll bet she's a virgin. Duct tape?
Kim: Bull riding?
Stee: I've never used duct tape on anyone. I wouldn't even know what to do with it. Maybe fix a leak in her bathroom? Her dad is going to kill her. Shit, after her segment, I was ready to ground her.
Kim: When she was talking about the guy in the bar, I thought she was talking about Nate from RW Seattle.
Stee: Nate? You guys are all on familiar terms and shit.
Kim: She called him Nate. And we are buds, so screw you.
Stee: "Let's go upstairs"? What, does she live above a bar? She blends in.
Kim: Even with the thong?
Stee: Can't they just combine the blondes into one big ho-ish blonde?
Kim: Clearly some of them will get the ax.
Stee: Now, when the five "experts" came back, they again used the term "keeping it real." Will someone slap them please? If Judd said it, I was going to just flip over to the Sundance Channel or something.
Kim: Get it? It's the "real" world.
Stee: Aw yeah! What about Road Rules? Keeping it road? One for the road? My show sucks. I wish I had kept Young Americans.
Kim: The road rules!
Stee: Oh, that's good.
Kim: Do you have any comments on the loser audition tapes montage?
Stee: I wanted the fat black girl belly dancing...and I hope they hire that dog whose owner made an audition tape for him.
Kim: I liked the Christopher Walken lookalike on the roof.
Stee: What about Mazda? Oops. Msaada.
Kim: She's keeping it real.
Stee: Who isn't? I really liked her.
Kim: She was interesting, at least.
Stee: Her boyfriend was creepy. And French. Which is kind of redundant.
Kim: I want to know how she got a French boyfriend.
Stee: Tourists always get lost in L.A. Maybe he wandered down to Watts looking for Jerry Lewis's star on the Walk of Fame.
Kim: I liked when she said she would make fun of ignorant people to their faces.
Stee: Janet loves her some Msaada.
Kim: Janet's greatest praise was saying she would "chill" with someone. She said it like ten times.
Stee: Dude, Janet would chill with Charles Manson if he had a pack of Marlboro Lights.
Finalist lucky number thirteen is Holly M., a twenty-year-old from Meadow Vista, California. She thinks about sex a lot, and people ask her if she's a guy because of her sex obsession. She's a Christian, but she doesn't think having sex is against her religion because she's not hurting anyone by having sex. She's had forty-seven broken bones and over three hundred stitches in her life, and she'll try anything. The interviewer asks her about her father. She says they don't get along, and her father used to say mean things to her mother and her. One time he sent her a football for her birthday, with a card that said, "Too bad you weren't a boy," because if she were a boy, she would have lived with her father and been a better person in her father's eyes. Holly is crying at this point.
Kim: Holly is another blonde and sexy...but tragic.
Stee: Holly continues the Christian Blonde Whore Brigade, all having sex to make up for daddy issues.
Kim: With forty-seven broken bones and three hundred stitches. She's like Frankenstein.
Stee: I hope she gets on just so we can see her have a meltdown on national television.
Kim: She's Road Rules material if anything.
Stee: Shawn was all, "She has sex AND emotions! Wow!" Fuck Shawn.
Kim: Janet Freud was all, "She's compensating."
Stee: Okay, so Holly sucks.
The finalist is Bill, a 23-year-old from Waynesboro, Virginia. After high school, Bill worked on a ranch in Australia, and during college, he worked in a gold mine in Colorado. Bill has a large scar on his face. The interviewer asks him about things he hasn't experienced, and Bill says he's never been in "true love." His family is not "touchy-feely," and his parents encouraged him to fend for himself. He's cheated on every serious girlfriend he's ever had. He's never had sex on a one-night stand. He's scared to let down his guard, and that's probably why he's never been in love.
Stee: So, Bill Chad Lowe Scarface.
Kim: Every time they showed him, he looked like a different celebrity. First, Scott Wolf. Then, Jay Underwood circa The Boy Who Could Fly.
Stee: Did you see Casting Girl all mooning over him? I think he's going to have another gay David/casting girl romance. But without the hysterics.
Kim: "You don't even know!"
Stee: And the gayness, of course. I was thinking, those casting "dates" are like the perfect date. They pay, and you get to talk about yourself all night. Except no sex at the end. That part kinda sucks.
Kim: Unless you're gay David.
Stee: I don't know about Bill. He's kinda fishy.
Kim: Gay David was jealous of Bill.
Stee: He was. Very. Did you see the Mexican golfing commercial?
Kim: No. I can't believe I missed it. [I checked my tape and it must've been a local L.A. buy because it's not there.]
Stee: There were cholos from the 'hood golfing and then they got on their Low Rider Bikes, and continued down the course. I couldn't believe it. All Tejano music playing and shit. Nike can kiss my ass.
Kim: What about the MTV Movie Award commercials?
Stee: I feel bad for Sarah Jessica Parker. They call her "precocious." Isn't that the wrong usage of that word?
Kim: What are they trying to say? Isn't she too old to be precocious?
Stee: Right. Anna Chlumsky is precocious. Or was. Now she's just out of work.
Kim: The dead people kid is precocious.
Stee: Right. Billy Joel Osment or some shit. And, man, did MTV drop the Backstreet Boys when 'N Sync started racking up the sales!
Kim: BSB are played out, yo.
Stee: Poor BSB. Crying with 98 Degrees and Boyzone somewhere.
Finalist #15 is Theo, a nineteen-year-old from Mandeville, Louisiana. He says it's hard to talk about the past, because it makes him feel like crying. He left home when he was fourteen because he didn't get along with his mother, and never felt comfortable with her. He thinks black people and white people don't blend. One time, he met a cute black girl named "Haleh" who was pre-med. A pop-up tells us that he enjoys eating raw eggs. Theo says that "colored people" want to do their own thing and white people want to do their own thing, and he doesn't think the "colored people should mix with the whites."
The last finalist is Julie, a twenty-year-old from Milwaukee, Wisconsin who attends Brigham Young University. Julie says she's not perfect, but she's a real person and a Mormon. She doesn't lay drunk in the gutter every day, but she also doesn't sit in church all day praying. When she arrives at the airport, she's all excited because Donny Osmond was on her plane and she's loved him forever. The apartment complex she lives in blocked out MTV and she wrote a letter because she was angry, demanding "free agency." She thinks homosexuality and bisexuality are disgusting. She would discourage someone from being homosexual or bisexual, but she wouldn't be prejudiced against them. The casting director thinks she's not looking at what will happen when the show is over. Julie says she might get kicked out of college for her actions, but she wants to be herself and will leave college if she has to.
Kim: These last two were humdingers, eh?
Stee: They are soooo in the house. I love how they saved the two racist hicks for the end. Sneak them in there.
Kim: There's racist and then there's Theo. He's like American History X kind of racist.
Stee: Friendly racist. Racist, but with the potential for change. I haven't heard "colored people" since my grandma was alive, and she was ninety.
Kim: What was up with Haleh?
Stee: "I couldn't believe this colored girl was pre-med. Yee-haw!"
Kim: My jaw dropped. He enjoys eating raw eggs. What the hell is that about?
Stee: He needs protein for whipping the slaves.
Kim: And what about Julie?
Stee: I yearn for the first-season Julie, with her stripey shorts and Edie Brickell hair.
Kim: I am so disgusted by Mormon Julie, mostly because I know she is on my show.
Stee: BYU. Bigoted Young Uranuses.
Kim: Why did they show a reaction shot of the Asian cook when she said the things about homosexuality?
Stee: I don't know. Did they? That's funny. Maybe he's gay.
Kim: They totally did. It was so weird. He did have an expression on his face like, "The fuck?"
Stee: I wish they had given Theo Julie's casting dude. Big black guy. That would have rocked.
Kim: Or have Theo interviewed by Kameelah.
Stee: And Julie by Ruthie.
Kim: Loved how the fearless five tried to justify the racism/homophobia by saying Theo and Julie would have a chance to grow if they made the show.
Stee: The fearless five suck. I wish them all well, but man. And how bad were they at reading cue cards at the top?
Kim: Judd just sucks. I'm surprised he didn't start talking about how living with Pedro changed his life and don't miss his new book on that, in bookstores soon.
Stee: Judd does suck. What ever happened to Dom from L.A.?
Kim: Dom wrote for Film Threat for a while.
Stee: Wow. Bet they paid him handsomely! Film Threat -- Circulation: 2500!
Kim: Then he developed cirrhosis of the liver and died.
Stee: No! Shut up!
Kim: I have no idea what really happened.
Stee: Oh. Phew. We would have about heard that. They would do a whole DOM WEEK on MTV. Tyreese, live from the funeral. Carson Daly kickin' it with the grieving family in Belfast.
Kim: No doubt.
Stee: I want a copy of Kaia's poem "Blue," from the last show at the Hawaii store. That shit was touching!
Kim: Don't even joke, because it's in the RW Hawaii book, including verses not seen on the show.
Stee: "Blue. I love you. My one true. My blue." I wrote better poetry when I was in kindergarten. I wrote a poem when I was six, called "If I Were A Toe," and it is literally a better poem than "Blue."
Kim: I dig the people who never have anything to do with evil Bunim-Murray Productions after their show is over. Except Matt. And Colin.
Stee: I agree. Bunim-Murray is evil.
Kim: And this season, we will catalog all the ways in which they are evil.