Previously on The Real World, Teck hooked up with a lot of women and Annoying gave Colin a backrub even though he was mean to her. So, this episode is going to be about relationships: Teck's relationships with various women, and Annoying's relationship with Colin.
Annoying and Colin are in the kitchen (and I swear to God I think she's baking a pie for him -- why else would she be rolling out dough?). They are bantering back and forth about how she wants to marry a tall guy so her kids will be tall (even though it doesn't really work that way), and how he doesn't want to marry her and she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with him and he doesn't even want to spend another day with her. That hurts her feelings, I guess, because she says, "It hurts my feelings when you say such rude things to me, and yet you don't mind sleeping with me at night. From now on, I won't be kissing you until you can shape up." Well, although it would solve a lot of the problems the two of them face in this episode, that's not actually what she says. Instead, she tells Colin she's going to punch him because he deserves it. Stop the violence! Colin reaches out and grabs her forehead to keep her out of punching range and she whines, "You messed up my hair!" Oh, Lord.
Colin, Annoying and Wonder Bread are in the van. Colin tells Annoying not to wear lipstick and Annoying tells Colin she will wear lipstick if she wants to. Did she just stand up for herself there? I can't believe it! Colin asks Wonder Bread if he would kiss those lips, and he says no because he's respectful. Does he mean that he respects Colin's relationship with Annoying, or he respects Annoying? But he says her lips look pretty. Then he pops the world's tiniest boner. In a confessional, Wonder Bread opines, "The last thing a sensitive woman needs is an insensitive man. And yet Colin and Amaya are a couple." Are they, though? By what standards? Back in the van, Colin and Annoying have the most disturbing argument about whether or not Annoying orders Colin to "Spoon her!" in the bed at night. Can I just say that if I were Justin, I would have slit my wrists long ago. Can you imagine listening to those two in bed at night? I can't stand listening to them for three minutes!
Teck comes home wearing a jester hat for some reason. Wonder Bread welcomes him at the door (First he's the driver, now he's a doorman? Is that the only way he could get camera time?). Teck introduces his "date" Leilani to Wonder Bread, and proceeds into the house. Leilani kisses Wonder Bread hello, and he reacts strongly for the camera's sake. Come on, if he was standing there alone with no cameras, would he really have reacted that way? Hardly.
Wonder Bread and Annoying giggle like school children because Teck has brought a woman home. Annoying asks if she's a prostitute. Let's think about this. If Teck were going to hire a prostitute, would he bring her to his house? The only reason he brings women to the house is to impress them. Prostitutes are a sure thing. Plus, I would think prostitutes would just want to take care of business as quickly as possible, not drive around town. And finally, would a prostitute want to be seen on camera, since prostitution is, after all, illegal? All of these things came to me in about two minutes, and I'm not that smart. But obviously, plankton is smarter than Annoying and Wonder Bread.
Anyway, Wonder Bread tells Annoying that she has to get a front view of Leilani because her "blouse" is totally see through. Man, last episode Wonder Bread said "night-spot" and now he says "blouse." I think he is really a seventy-five-year-old man. Annoying sneaks out to the hammock to pretend she is getting a blanket, but actually ogles Leilani. On the way back, she runs into Teck and asks if Leilani is a prostitute. Teck laughs, but in an interview he says that he would never have to use the services of a prostitute because he's got "too much game."
Annoying asks him if he needs to borrow a condom. I hope he's not borrowing it -- does she really want it back when he's done? She says she "don't need no baby Tecks running around" and Teck says, "You've had more sex than me while on the island because I haven't had none and I don't think I'll have none." Someone really needs to introduce these kids to the concept of the double negative. But, I took that as an admission that Colin and Annoying are having sex -- she didn't deny it when Teck said she has had sex while on the island, and who else would she have sex with?
In the van, Teck yells out the window at some girls in Japanese, because he thinks that is their ethnicity. When that doesn't work, he tries Korean. Wonder Bread asks if Teck is going down some sort of ethnic checklist. Heh. That was kind of funny. Annoying says Teck is bringing down the integrity of the van, to which Justin says, "Impossible! We got this van by agreeing to be Bunim-Murray's whores! We have no integrity. I'm so outta here." Well, he didn't say that but I bet he was thinking it. I can tell because he was looking really disgusted. And wearing a Hawaiian shirt. You all know how I feel about that. In fact, most of the male roommates are wearing Hawaiian shirts. Uggh.
Teck says picking up a prostitute would be the only thing that could ruin the integrity of the van. He starts to say something, then stops himself. After hardly anyone begs him to continue, he does so by beginning the story of Annoying asking him about Leilani. He gets three words out before Annoying interrupts and finishes his sentence. We see Teck and Leilani getting into bed, while in a voice-over Annoying says, "Turns out she's not a prostitute, just a stripper. Same difference, sorry." Well, not exactly. A prostitute has sex for money. A stripper shows her body for money. While some prostitutes are strippers, and some strippers are prostitutes, they are not the same thing. Besides which, the phrase "same difference" makes no sense. That's just a pet peeve of mine. Just say "no difference" or "same thing".
Teck notes that "sorority girl" (hee hee!) is passing judgment on him and Wonder Bread pipes up, "This wasn't the world's biggest 'bring home to mama' type of gal". I swear, he said "gal." See? He is seventy-five.
Tetanus Girl yells out, "Are we going to the store or what?" and in an interview, Teck says, "People who pass judgment on someone from the first time they see 'em. They're not very educated either."
Back at the house, everyone but Ruthie is gathered around talking about love. Annoying spouts off a lot of self-help psychobabble about letting love happen. Colin says he always tries to use "if," not "when," in reference to love in his life. Like, "If I get married," not "When I get married." He says this as if it's the biggest revelation, and goes on about it for 10 minutes. No one else cares, except maybe Annoying. Teck is so bored, he's falling asleep on the counter, until Annoying asks him if he's ever been in love. Teck says he's loved lots of women but he's never been in love. OK, another pet peeve for me is the whole love/in love false dichotomy, but that's a rant for another day. Teck says he's loved women enough to leave them alone because he's not the right man for them. Is it my imagination, or is he looking pointedly at Colin while saying this? Colin, Annoying and Wonder Bread look surprised and Wonder Bread says, "That is profound" and Annoying says, in the most obnoxiously Valley Girl accent over, "That is sooo saaad".
Colin is talking to his friend Trevor on the phone (remember him from the Casting Special?) and telling him that Annoying sleeps in his bed every night because there's a wiener there. Colin says it has nothing to do with him, she just wants a wiener. Is Colin twelve years old? Because that's the last time I heard anyone use the word "wiener" in reference to his dick. In an interview, Annoying says, "It's not fair for him to treat me like crap. It doesn't work for me at all." That's all well and good, sweetheart, but actions speak louder than words.
Annoying and Wonder Bread are talking about Colin. Wonder Bread has a lime green terrycloth shirt on and it's blinding me. Annoying says that Colin is mean to her because he doesn't want to be obvious. To who? Everyone in the house knows they are sleeping together, and at this point the camerapeople obviously do too. So much for that theory. Wonder Bread says, "Why would you kiss someone who's a jerk to you?" but doesn't finish it with,"When I'm so lonesome and desperate, I would let you walk all over me." Annoying says when she is alone with Colin he turns into Mr. Sweet Pea. There's a lot more talk, but basically Wonder Bread is trying to tell Annoying that Colin says really mean things about her behind her back and denies their relationship, and Wonder Bread doesn't think that's right, but he doesn't have the cojones to say that to Annoying's face.
Suddenly we flash back two weeks to the scene where Colin and Annoying are sitting in the hammock together. Annoying asks Colin to be nice to her, and to be more open with the roommates. Colin says he will try. I don't think the editors meant this to be a flashback, though. I think we were supposed to think it was happening at the same time as everything else.
Andrea, Teck, Teck Sr. and the mysterious Kathy have a conversation over a meal about the state of African American men in society. Andrea makes some good points. I like her. Teck says Andrea is the kind of woman his father wants him to be with, which is the main reason he asked her to stay and meet him. I really hope Teck isn't just using Andrea while his dad's in town and will then ignore her once his dad leaves.
Teck tells Tetanus Girl that he could never marry a white woman. He needs someone who's been oppressed like him. Tet Girl says that when white people say "I feel your pain", it's condescending. And she should know, being an African American studies major. Teck says a sister understands the struggles of being black intrinsically.
Teck sees Andrea off at the airport. He's glad she stayed longer, but he's also itching to get back to sowing his wild oats. I think Andrea deserves better.
Colin sits on the wall and writes furiously in his journal. In a confessional, he tells us that he was always having to say goodbye to his mom growing up, and it hurt. So now he doesn't want to get close to anyone, so that he never has to say goodbye. But he realizes this and is trying to change it. I'm not even going to make fun of him for crying because I thought this was kind of touching.
There's a montage of scenes featuring Colin and Annoying being all romantic, and a lot of them feature him carrying her around. Colin says one of the biggest challenges of his life is finding someone to be open with.
Suddenly, it's Valentine's Day again. Colin and Annoying go out to dinner. Either that, or they're wearing the same exact outfits they wore 2 episodes ago when they were walking on the beach together after Valentine's Day. Colin says he's paying because it's their first date and Annoying starts crying. This wouldn't be so bad -- I mean, after a guy treats you like crap for a while, it would be kind of touching if he did something nice -- but she holds her hand up to her face in the most staged way, it really bugs me. Then they ruin the moment with this inane conversation:
C: You know what I like most about you?
A: What?
C: At night when we're going to sleep, and when we go out alone.
A: You know what I like most about you?
C: What?
A: A lot.
That doesn't even make sense! Besides the fact that Colin basically said he only likes Annoying when she's asleep or when no one they know is around. Anyway, they talk about his parents for a minute and then they dance to the cheesiest lounge singer ever, and kiss.
week: Justin finally gets more than two lines, when he accuses the roommates of being heterocentric, if that's a word.
Over the credits, Wonder Bread is regaling some random women with tales of how ridiculous it is in his house with Teck bringing home different women and Colin and Amaya making out all the time. Of course, he's saying this while wearing a flower in his hair, so I think HE's the one who looks ridiculous.