Previously: The families arrived in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic, and Teresa lost (one of) her (500) suitcase(s), and it was the end of the world! Except that it totally wasn't, and everyone went about their business, being combative and pissing on roadsides and such. Fortunately, Teresa didn't lose her sparkly swimsuit suitcase, so she was able to treat the Manzo and Laurita clans to a fashion show while migraine-addled Caroline gave several facial expression variations on "I quit this bitch." Then, while Caroline stayed home to sleep off her headache, Teresa and Kathy once again got into a fight about nothing and everything all at once. Long story short, everybody is on Team Kathy. Seek solace from your monokinis, Tre.
We return to PC as Teresa and Juicy walk away from the confrontation. Rich follows behind to talk to Juicy while he's changing out of his swimsuit in the men's room. Juicy totally sells out Teresa for being a hothead, and Rich speculates, "I think they musta dropped her ass one too many times when she was a baby on her head." They bond over those foolish women and their bickering ways. Or, as Juicy puts it, "They're fuckin' retarded."
Elsewhere, Jacqueline and Chris take a walk by themselves and wonder if they should intervene. Chris tells Jacqueline to try to talk some sense into the women but walk away if she sees they won't be convinced. Then Jacqueline randomly gives Chris a piggyback ride, and he takes the opportunity to grab her breasts. Meanwhile, the Manzo boys and Greg have a hoot of a time wandering around looking for the Giudices and peeking in the girls' bathroom port hole at Teresa while she takes a dump and then changes into what, by my count, is the seventh bathing suit she's worn that day.
Night falls, and the staff at the resort light some sort of vaguely symbolic (or just realistically useful) bonfire. Melissa tells Kathy she doesn't need to defend herself for anything, but Kathy realizes she isn't going to make any headway with Teresa's crazy ass and resolves to leave it. Back at the cabana, Jacqueline catches up with Teresa, who explains that Kathy's (completely unrelated) comments gave her flashbacks of the Posche fashion show. She asks, "Did I overreact," and Jacqueline stays quiet, which in my book is a "Yes." Jacqueline wonders if Teresa would ever just walk up to Kathy and call a truce. Teresa: "No!"
Dinner is served. There's only one seat left when Teresa arrives, so she has to park it a few feet from Kathy. For her part, Kathy is annoyed that Teresa is acting like nothing happened and goes so far as to speculate that Teresa is "trying to piss [her] off." So being aggressive is being aggressive and being passive is being aggressive? And we wonder why nothing ever gets resolved in this family! The various women and their men all hash out what's going on. Rich: "Don't add fuel to the fire." Juicy: "Who gives a fuck?" Joe Gorga: "Don't get involved." Frankly, it's a wonder Teresa and Juicy have friends at all. They're both kind of awful.
After dinner, Kathy and Rich decide to head home. The rest of the gang heads to the bar for hijinks including Juicy asking Joe, "What's the capital of Thailand?" then punching him in the nuts as he yells, "Bangkok!" Things get increasingly sophomoric as they stand back to back to see who's taller (they're the same height), then Joe suggests they whip out their dicks to see who's the "real" man. For the sake of my sanity and the integrity of my eyeballs, please don't let this occur! Meanwhile, Greg awesomely looks on with a gaped mouth, like, "Really? I've got a foot on both of you bitches in every respect." In any case it's a good situation because the two Joes are actually getting along. As are Joe and Teresa. She starts to cry from happiness, and they share a heartfelt hug. Naturally, Juicy ruins this beautiful moment by declaring them "Two fuckin' geeks." Teresa thinks the trip is going "phenomenal," and, apropos of that, Juicy actually stands up to announced, "At the end of the day, we're family." Teresa squeals, "Awwwww! You love my brother?" Juicy: "I don't fuckin' hate him." That's progress!
The morning, Albert cuddles with Caroline and updates her on the day's events. Caroline fears that Teresa's histrionics will give her (Caroline) a crippling headache and cause her to miss the entire vacation. Over at the Wakile-Gorga villa, the Manzo brothers walk in on Joe sexually assaulting Melissa. Notable quotables include, "If you do it right it only takes three seconds," and "Can I have my five minutes to wash my armpits?" She runs out, and he warns her, "When we get back, babe, it's all over." Back at the other villa, Teresa puts on another show, annoying Caroline, who's all, "We're not going to the friggin' Oscars. We're going to the market." As they prepare to go out, Melissa and Kathy go over what went down with Teresa the night before. Kathy says that, if Teresa didn't understand she had good intentions, that's Teresa's problem and, "At a certain point you grow up. [With Teresa] it doesn't look like that's happening."
Eventually, the guys (minus Greg) go golfing, which involves Joe sticking the pole suggestively between his legs and dropping trou in preparation to play. After he takes his first shot, Albert says, "Your ass is a lot better than your fuckin' golf swing, that's for sure." At least he hits the ball. Juicy, in his wifebeater, cuts air twice before hitting the ball.
Back at the resort, the girls convene and learn that the "shopping" they'll be doing is actually food shopping in research for Teresa's third cookbook. She says, "I'm thinking it might be sort of a fusion Italian-slash... Italian cookbook." She meant Italian-Latin, but still... Kathy says bitchily, "I personally would rather go golfing with Teresa so I could have a club" then laughs evilly. She does insist, "I wouldn't hit her... I wouldn't," but the devilish look in her icy blue eyes says it all. The groups are separated in two different cars on the way to the market. Teresa insists she's over the whole altercation with Kathy, but Caroline calls her bluff. In the other car, Greg, Melissa, and Kathy basically mock Teresa for being such an overreacting, sensitive diva. Both cars arrive in town to discover very little besides a few bars fashioned from shacks, some stray dogs, a big cock (in the rooster sense, not in the Greg sense), and a decapitated cow's head.
Back on the links, Joe blames his poor performance on sexual frustration. Rich says Albert had another thing coming if he thought he could have a successful day on the course with "this bunch of clowns." Albert tells the others, "I would consider it a personal favor if you promise never to play the game again."
At the market, the women scream like they're in a frickin' Saw movie at the sight of the headless chickens and other various carcasses. Melissa tiptoes through the streets whining, "I'm stepping on blood with my Guccis." And, yes, it is pretty grim. There are puddles of blood on all sides and various animal heads on display, but they are in the Dominican Republic, not Monte Carlo. There are places to wear Gucci to the market, and this is not one of them. And running around screaming and horrified isn't going to change the culture, it's just going to make you look like an asshat. In an unexpected turn, Teresa is relishing dealing with the meat and talking to the locals (just ignore that part where she asks them, "Have you heard of my book Skinny Italian?). Overall, it's an insulting spectacle, and you kind of need Countess Luann there to declare, "This is not the Plaza Hotel, this is Punta Cana." Then again, if you need The Countess to bring things back down to earth, you're in trouble.
As checkout looms, Albie points out that the Manzo brothers are coming up against a deadline for their black water launch party. Albie, who describes his modest upbringing (in which he shared a bed with Christopher for much of his childhood), is especially concerned because he wants to prove to his parents that he can make something of himself. Greg and Christopher take his point into consideration but tell him that he should enjoy his last night in Punta Cana while he can. They head to a restaurant where everyone's supposed to meet. It's a fancy riff on Benihana where the chefs light things on fire, and Albie comments, "Well that's not safe!" Sitting at a big, empty table, the three guys clink their sake glasses to the fact that they're actually on time while everyone else is late. What's new?
Everyone slowly trickles in, most notably Juicy and Teresa, who are somehow wasted. Kathy is less jolly, saying she's having vague stomach issues, which she interviews are a result of the confrontation with Teresa. Once everyone is seated, Christopher announces that he and Albie have deemed themselves judges of the Punta Princess Pageant. Caroline immediately eliminates herself from the running, and Jacqueline worries that the other ladies don't need any reason to complete with each other. "Besides," she says, "I think Greg's gonna win." That statement, of course, is overlaying a classic shot of Greg sipping his sake every so daintily.
But it seems the competition was over before it began. In the categories of style, creativity, and intellect, Teresa was awarded style since she lost her suitcase and "still pulled it together." Kathy was awarded creativity. In order to win Intellect and tie up the competition, Melissa has to name the Vice President of the United States. To give you a sense of context, the question is actually opened up to all three competitors and is met by befuddled looks all around, including the husbands. Teresa asks, "Is it Clinton? No, his wife!" Then Melissa chimes in, "That white guy with the grey hair!" Which, while closer than anything else on offer, also describes about 70% of politicians. Ohhh, but then she screams, "Dick Cheney!" And then, "Biden!"
So it's a tie between all three ladies. Frankly, I can't believe they're even indulging in this clear situation of systematic mockery, but these are also people who wear Yeti boots and have vanity recording studios in their own homes, so there's that... For the tie breaker, Christopher asks, "Do you guys know what continent Cairo's on?" Melissa yells proudly, "Antarctica!" Despite being blatantly wrong, everyone seems to enjoy her chutzpah. She asks, "I'm intellectual?" Teresa just shakes her head. Oh, Tre, you are a master of the pot-kettle without even knowing it!
The day, Joe asks if Melissa is ready for her performance at the Manzo boys' party. She says all sorts of things that amount to, "I need to practice," though I'm not entirely sure she's aware that's what they all mean. Meanwhile, Teresa's lost bag finally arrives and is met by much squealing and jumping around. This, in turn, is met by sarcastic slow-clapping from Greg and annoyed grimaces from Caroline as she tries to enjoy her damn breakfast. Teresa says she thought the trip overall was amazing and thinks they should all do it again, then the editors Frankenbyte in "go without Kathy!" I don't doubt Teresa thinks this, but the editing is a bit blatant, no? At the other villa, the Wakiles and Gorgas toast to a good vacation and a (hopefully) uneventful return home. Kathy conflict aside, Melissa acknowledges that the trip has been a step in the right direction for Teresa and Joe. With that, everyone packs up and ships out with these words from Albert: "Being in hell without you people would be a fuckin' vacation." Never better put, my man.
Back home, the Manzo boys show Melissa the NYC venue where she'll be performing at their launch party. Melissa gives the club owner the third degree about everything from lights to mics and dressing room space. Albie takes it all in stride because he realizes his primary responsibility is to please the black water people and Melissa's performance is, frankly, irrelevant to that. Oh, but then! Melissa announces that Joe wants to get tigers for her performance. Tigers! Cue all sorts of skeptical looks.
That night, Melissa meets her choreographer and dancers at Broadway Dance Center. He keeps counting "A 5-6-7-and..." and, not unlike another Melissa, she keeps cutting him off before she has to do any actual dancing. Eventually, she runs through some moves and realizes she's not the hot shit she assumed she was. He tells her not to worry if she messes up but, "It's got to get better. It has to." Yikes.
The day of the launch party, Chris and Jacqueline talk about the Manzo boys' big moment to shine. Chris is, as always, measured, saying, "I'll be proud of them after the event. We'll see how they pull it off." Over at the club, the boys set up while Melissa does her sound check. She is very sheepish and hesitant about singing in front of the scattered group. She admits she feels like she can't get in the groove, which doesn't bode well for her performance that night. Her nerves rub off on Albie and, indeed, on Joe, who's spent the untold amounts of money to fund her little vanity project.
A few hours later, the event begins. The families file in, and Kathy is particularly anxious to see Teresa again for the first time since Punta Cana. Though Teresa may think she's won the battle, says Kathy, alienating someone makes her a loser overall. Likewise, Jacqueline and Bratshley are both there and keeping their separate corners. Jacqueline has resolved to avoid future trouble by keeping her mouth shut -- generally a solid idea. Caroline, of course, is above all of this because she's a proud mama first and foremost.
While Melissa gets ready, the guys all take shots and Joe takes it upon himself to rev the crowd up. Melissa can hear the screaming and whistling backstage, and she falls to her knees to pray to her father and her Jesus that the performance will turn out well. This is some serious reality TV gravitas, y'all. If you didn't know what you were watching, you'd easily think you were seeing a clip out of Maria Full of Grace or Vera Drake or something. That's how serious this moment is. As such, Melissa explains, "This is it. If I don't bring it tonight, it's over."
And then the performance happens. If you've ever seen an episode of Made or any such comparable reality show, you know that they can make even the most inept people look like they've just owned the world. All of which is not to say that Melissa is inept, but let's just say there are a lot of reaction shots and not a lot of shots of her. I suspect she's somewhere in the middle of the talent spectrum, though I'm not sure being an arena performer like Britney Spears or Janet Jackson is in her future. Then again, Janet Jackson faced criticisms about her lip syncing back in the day, and even Britney isn't Britney any more. Regardless of whether she turned it out on a level that makes her professionally competitive, Melissa seemed to impress her friends and family, which is really what matters in this scenario. Even Juicy made a point to compliment her in front of everyone! Teresa hopes that gesture will signal a fresh start for her family. Then Joe Gorga randomly picks up Caroline and picks her up over his head. As you do?
And just so we don't get too weepy from that moment of family unity, the bonus footage features catty comments from Rich and Teresa about Melissa's performance. Rich snarks that he didn't know whether Joe was bumping to the beat of Melissa's song or to the ching ching that she'll make from its sales. "Because, you know, Joe loves that ching ching." Teresa says cattily, "The only thing that was on display was Melissa's cleavage." Why don't those two get along again?
After the performance, Teresa approaches Kathy to talk privately. Under the watchful eye of Kathy's sister Rosie (who has on a badass bandanna and looks like she's about to beat up a bitch), Teresa apologizes for overreacting at the beach. Kathy makes it clear she doesn't question Teresa's parenting abilities, and they agree to move on and try to reclaim the sisterly relationship they once had. They head back inside, and Rich asks if they worked it out. Teresa asks him, "Do you still love me?" He tells her, "I've always fuckin' loved you, you son of a bitch." And that, my friends, is the modern Italian family.
week: Season finale!