Quit Yer Beachin'!

S03E17

We join the morning in progress at the Gorga-Wakile villa. And, I must say, Greg is overselling Melissa's bathing suit selection. It's a white one-piece bikini with criss-cross lacing down the front. Nothing special. We also learn Joe also got the pert ass gene in the family as we are give a crack shot as Joe and Rich get massages. She dances around behind them all sexy-like, which must be totally relaxing. Everyone wants a pole dancer prancing around while their trying to wind down, right? And Rich tells her to stop because he's getting a hard-on. With that little (pun intended) overshare, and how incredibly boring the rest of the episode has been, I think it's safe to declare this the worst RHoNJ episode of all time.

Back at the other villa, Teresa is still clacking around in her stripper heels and bitching that her suitcase hasn't arrived, and Caroline is one lunge away from cutting a bitch. She tells Albert to go on the boat ride without her and won't accept any negotiation because her one goal in life right now is to get everyone out of the house. She gets her wish, punctuated with a slam of the door as Teresa and Juicy leave.

As the various factions board the boat, Teresa and Melissa stage a sexy-pose-off in front of their respective cameras. Kathy says, "Everyone knows there can only be one Punta Princess. Looks like it's gonna be a fierce competition." Once they're all aboard, Jacqueline officially takes herself out of the running as she wraps herself in a cover-up and nearly refuses to sit to Melissa because of her insecurities. Unfortunately, Juicy doesn't share them as he's converted his swim trunks into a practical banana hammock by scrunching them up to his junk. Teresa sits on the other side of Jacqueline and greases herself up with tanning lotion. Pasty Jacqueline says she felt like "the stuffing in the middle of an Oreo. You know what I'm saying? The Double Stuf one?" Back in the room, Caroline is sleeping. She interviews that she hopes the sun, sequins, and surf will "put a haze" on Teresa and Melissa so they'll get along.

Back to the boat, it doesn't seem that haze has fully taken effect yet. They're not fighting (yet), but they are having a passive-aggressive dance battle, backing it up to their husbands like seasoned warrior-hookers. That little upstart Greg suggests a dance-off and fawns all over Melissa and Joe for, like, 17 hours, declaring them "The hottest couple in the world" over and over and over again. For her part, Teresa says she's "feeling super-sexy" and dismisses the notion that there's any competition between her and Melissa. Which is to say that Melissa is no competition -- not that Teresa isn't competing. Because she is. And it is on.