Previously: Teresa and her brother have been so horrible they made little Gia write a tearful song. As we speak, Melissa is currently using her at-home studio to turn this cry for help into a peppy dance number.
Gorga mansion. Melissa and Joe are getting ready for the group's trip to Punta Cana. Melissa hopes everyone can get along. Since the three couples used to go to the Dominican Republic together, she thinks it might remind them of the good old days and help them mend their relationships. As they pack, Melissa brings out a flesh-colored bathing suit with fringe at the bust. Antonia's immediate response says it all: "Oh my god, what is that?!" Out of the mouths of babes... Joe grabs a pair of bikini bottoms (which appear to have chain mail on them?) and sniffs them. Gross.
Over at the Giudice home, Teresa is also packing. She interviews, "We all know who's gonna look the best -- moi!" She reflects back on Gia's heartbreaking song. She says she'd never want her daughters to fight the way she's been fighting with Joe, so she's trying to set a good example by going on vacation with the Gorgas and Wakiles. She asks Juicy if he's going to be fine with Joe and Rich on the vacation. He gives a crabby "Who cares?"
Meanwhile, Lauren joins Caroline as she packs. Lauren runs down a million-item list of things she's bringing to the DR, and Caroline warns her not to go in the ocean with jewelry on because sharks like shiny things. Lauren snarks, "Well then Teresa and Melissa are fucked."
At the Laurita house, Jacqueline is packing a Snooki-style cut-out one-piece, though she admits she has no intention of wearing it. She just wants to show it to the girls. Is that a thing? Do people really waste packing space on things they never intend to wear? Jacqueline justifies her decision saying that she doesn't want to wear a bikini to Teresa and Melissa. Jacqueline tells the babysitter that Bratshley will be home during the trip, which Caroline explains is because Bratz was too lazy to get her passport photo. Wow. That's an impressive commitment to worthlessness.
Wakile Way. Kathy tells her mom that things are better with Teresa, and they reminisce about the old trips to Punta Cana. Kathy hopes Teresa will realize that "not everyone is out to get [her], and not everything is about [her]." As the various families leave, both Joe Gorga and Rich announce that they're going to get laid a lot in the week. Stay classy, Franklin Lakes.
The gang arrive at the airport, and Teresa is immediately stressed out because the airline lost one of her 45 bags. Wow, I hope the rest of the trip is this riveting. Teresa actually calls her mother and asks her to send a prayer to St. Anthony over it. Says Joe, "Don't waste a prayer!" That may be the first time I've agreed with Joe Gorga. They hang up, and the brigade of cars pulls over because Juicy has to pee and can't hold it for the 15 minutes it will take to get to the resort. When he gets out of the car, he finds he's not alone as nearly all the men jump out and wade into the waist-high grass to give the Punta Cana soil a proper greeting. Even Melissa is embarrassed by this display. When the woman who wears a Yeti coat is embarrassed of you, you got issues.
A bit later, they arrive at the resort. Caroline explains they've divided the families into three villas: One for the kids, one for the Gorgas and Wakiles, and one for the Giudice, Manzo, and Laurita clans. It's definitely for the best because Teresa and Joe have already been making snide comments at each other since minute one. Also making snide comments is Juicy, who's disappointed that he won't be getting tons of ass since Teresa is on her period. Thanks for that piece of information, show.
Things are happier at the kids' villa. Albie hopes the trip will bring him, Christopher, and Lauren closer together. Then Greg arrives and things are positively gay -- as in the 1920s definition... but also as in the more recent version because home boy gets an Evita reference in within the first five minutes.
Back in the grown-ups' villas (I use the term "grown-up" extremely loosely), everyone talks about getting along and being back in Punta Cana for the seven trillionth time. Juicy says he just wants Joe to be respectful, because he might hurt "the little guy." Like you're Vince Vaughn over here, Juicy? Jacqueline doesn't understand Juicy's attitude after hearing Gia's "disturbing" song. She thinks he should want to put an end to the family feud. In her villa, Melissa also says she hopes things turn a corner. Richie says pessimistically, "Sometimes you turn a corner, and there's a big-ass surprise waiting for you."
The day, the Manzo kids and Greg have arranged a catamaran trip for the group. Because when half of the people on a trip actively hate each other, the best place to contain them all is on a boat stuck out at sea, obvs. For the boat ride, Teresa has opted to dress like a waitress at Scores, but sluttier. She models it for everyone unsolicited, which is giving them a head start on the nausea they'll be feeling all day long thanks to the rocking of the boat. Caroline, meanwhile, has an excruciating migraine and jokes that it's going to take an alcoholic's share of drinks to get through the day. She grimaces at Teresa, who scampers off to change into her second bikini. The minute she's out of earshot, Albert says matter-of-factly, "That didn't even look like a bathing suit, it looked like a stripper's outfit."
Teresa trots back in wearing a sea foam sequined number, saying this is her mermaid look. Lauren, who is also menstruating, adopts Caroline's sour mug, interviewing "Who wants to be around that, especially on the first day of their period?" Teresa presents one more outfit, a one-piece in many hues of blue with cut outs on the side. She shrieks, "See, look, Caroline! I match with the water! I need my hat!" At this point, Caroline is cupping her face in her hands miserably. Frankly, I'm surprised it took a migraine to get her to this point. I would have been there years ago. Jacqueline is also not feeling the love for Teresa's impromptu swimsuit runway show, though she does admit she wishes she had Teresa's pert little tush. Oh, and by the way, you didn't think we were done did you? Teresa lied and skips out in yet another bikini (the purple-blue version of the mermaid bikini), prompting Chris to give a pretty awesome "FML" face. Teresa asks shrilly, "Which one, guys?" Chris and Caroline shout out "Mermaid! Mermaid!" just so Teresa will leave them alone already. Teresa goes back into the bedroom to change, so Greg takes the opportunity to stir the pot, saying, "Melissa's bathing suit will be awesome, and [Teresa] knows that." He announces, "I have a total girl crush on Melissa Gorga."
We join the morning in progress at the Gorga-Wakile villa. And, I must say, Greg is overselling Melissa's bathing suit selection. It's a white one-piece bikini with criss-cross lacing down the front. Nothing special. We also learn Joe also got the pert ass gene in the family as we are give a crack shot as Joe and Rich get massages. She dances around behind them all sexy-like, which must be totally relaxing. Everyone wants a pole dancer prancing around while their trying to wind down, right? And Rich tells her to stop because he's getting a hard-on. With that little (pun intended) overshare, and how incredibly boring the rest of the episode has been, I think it's safe to declare this the worst RHoNJ episode of all time.
Back at the other villa, Teresa is still clacking around in her stripper heels and bitching that her suitcase hasn't arrived, and Caroline is one lunge away from cutting a bitch. She tells Albert to go on the boat ride without her and won't accept any negotiation because her one goal in life right now is to get everyone out of the house. She gets her wish, punctuated with a slam of the door as Teresa and Juicy leave.
As the various factions board the boat, Teresa and Melissa stage a sexy-pose-off in front of their respective cameras. Kathy says, "Everyone knows there can only be one Punta Princess. Looks like it's gonna be a fierce competition." Once they're all aboard, Jacqueline officially takes herself out of the running as she wraps herself in a cover-up and nearly refuses to sit to Melissa because of her insecurities. Unfortunately, Juicy doesn't share them as he's converted his swim trunks into a practical banana hammock by scrunching them up to his junk. Teresa sits on the other side of Jacqueline and greases herself up with tanning lotion. Pasty Jacqueline says she felt like "the stuffing in the middle of an Oreo. You know what I'm saying? The Double Stuf one?" Back in the room, Caroline is sleeping. She interviews that she hopes the sun, sequins, and surf will "put a haze" on Teresa and Melissa so they'll get along.
Back to the boat, it doesn't seem that haze has fully taken effect yet. They're not fighting (yet), but they are having a passive-aggressive dance battle, backing it up to their husbands like seasoned warrior-hookers. That little upstart Greg suggests a dance-off and fawns all over Melissa and Joe for, like, 17 hours, declaring them "The hottest couple in the world" over and over and over again. For her part, Teresa says she's "feeling super-sexy" and dismisses the notion that there's any competition between her and Melissa. Which is to say that Melissa is no competition -- not that Teresa isn't competing. Because she is. And it is on.
Albie introduces a game called "Cucaracha," wherein a little wind-up cockroach skitters around the deck. Whoever it stops in front of has to take a shot. If it hits the bottle (which is sitting on the floor of the boat), everyone has to take a shot. Because nothing makes a better combination than volatile personalities, a churning ocean, and insta-drunkenness! At one point, the cucaracha lands near Juicy. Kathy says, "I don't get that whole 'Juicy' thing. What's so juicy about him? Honestly, seems a little dried up to me." How she can say that while looking head-on at his luscious man teats is beyond me. Those things look like they are brimming with juice.
The guys announce that they're going to have a cock fight in the water, prompting Rich to make a dig at Juicy's teeny wienie. Teresa takes offense and starts defending her husband's dick, pointing to their four children and telling Rich it's "very active." This episode is trying to kill me. Melissa jokingly points and says emphatically, "They want that to be known!" Teresa rightly points out that pot-kettle remark coming from the most overtly sexual wife in the group. It passes over relatively smoothly -- somehow -- and the guys jump into the water for their cock fight. Unfortunately, it involves Joe Gorga on the shoulders of Christopher and Juicy on the shoulders of Greg. Not quite the sexy good times that were advertised. And in case you hadn't vomited 14 times this episode already, we get a full ass-shot from Joe Gorga as he dives into the water with his shorts down.
Bonus footage: Juicy does push-ups with Greg standing on his back, then Jacqueline. Proving himself to be the consummate gentleman, he snarks, "She weighs more than [Greg]." Nice.
Back to the action (or lack thereof), the gang gets off the boat for a beach dinner. They head to the bathroom to change, giving Christopher the opportunity to make butt sex jokes and Joe the chance to proposition Melissa for a public restroom quickie. I don't know which of those was grosser, honestly. Melissa tells him, "It's not that kind of a day," but he insists on following her into the stall of the women's bathroom. As luck would have it, there's a porthole window looking into this particular stall, so the Manzo kids and Greg get their rocks off looking at Joe's junk. They joke about how small it is, and Joe screams out, "You've got the wrong Joe."
On the beach, Juicy is telling Rich and Albert about the restaurant he and Teresa claim they're opening. Obviously it's very well thought-out because Teresa's business plan is "If we get tired of it, we'll sell it." Rich notes that the toughest part of the restaurant business is that the weekends, when everyone else is winding down, are actually the busiest time. Juicy insists that's only a problem in owning a banquet hall and that there are a lot of differences between restaurants and banquet halls -- though, when Albert asks him to name them, he can't come up with anything specific. Albert warns Juicy against opening a restaurant solely based off of Teresa books because people won't drive long distances for a novelty concept like that. Albert asks where the money's going to come from to pay the employees. Juicy's answer? "It doesn't matter." He vagues that he'll make it work and adds gratuitously that he's going to be "getting back into" construction as well. Ladies and gentleman, the Warren Buffett of New Jersey! Albert and Rich can only smile mockingly at Juicy. Rich explains in an interview that Juicy loses interest quickly, and this just seems like another one of his pipe dreams.
As Rich says that he and Kathy are going to focus on catering for the time being, she joins the conversation, chipping in that opening a restaurant is a big step and that she'd be afraid it would take her away from her kids. This hits a nerve with Teresa, who thinks Kathy is insulting her mothering skills again. Seeing that Teresa is getting worked up, Kathy tries to drop it, but Teresa notices that she rolls her eyes. Kathy wonders why everything she says is perceived as an insult. She says they've had a really nice day and shouldn't spoil it by lettings things get ugly. In an interview, she says Teresa is trying to embarrass her and refuses to back down this time.
While Teresa is spitting out all litany of "How dare you"s and Kathy is rolling her eyes like she's watching a hamster wheel, Greg is taking offense that his "beloved Kathy" is being attacked. The women keep going back and forth and back and forth like a really bitchy pendulum, and even attempts to break the tension from Chris and Albie are ignored. Kathy tries to make peace by saying that it's obvious Teresa is a good mother who loves her kids more than anything. Instead of appreciating the compliment and moving on, Teresa defensively snaps back that she doesn't have to prove herself to Kathy or anyone. Chris tells Juicy to end it, which he does immediately. The only unfortunate part is that he roars over Kathy to "Shut up!" Naturally the conversation carries on under people's breaths for another five or so minutes, including Teresa completely hallucinating Kathy calling her a bitch.
She and Juicy leave as Melissa and Joe arrive. Rich quips, "We were just taking care of that Middle East problem." Kathy tries to explain to Melissa what happened, but it was such a product of Teresa's paranoia that she struggles, other than to spin her finger around by her head and call Teresa cuckoo. Everyone jumps to Kathy's defense, especially Greg, who says, "You're a lady, Kathy, and don't let anybody tell you different." He's less charitable to the Giudices. When Albie says he bets they're having the same conversation, Greg snits, "Except they're having it in, like, third grade words." If you count "fuck" as a third grade word, then Greg is spot-on. Teresa keeps spouting the same angry stuff repeatedly as Juicy dismissively says, "What the fuck does she know what she's talking about? Fuck 'em." That's pretty much his approach to everything in life, isn't it? Teresa adopts her fake voice once more and says, "She doesn't matter! I know I'm the best mommy ever!" She declares that she's "so done with Kathy... again."
week: Teresa continues her angry tirade against Kathy. Melissa makes her stage debut.