Previously: Kathy entertained the idea of opening a restaurant. Theresa dealt with financial and family struggles, neither of which is going to be solved any time soon. Jacqueline invited Melissa and Joe Gorga to her holiday party.
Christmas is upon Franklin Lakes as Jacqueline and her father pull out the decorations. She interviews that her decision to invite Melissa, Theresa, and the two Joes to her party could be lovely -- or it could backfire and turn into a Carrie-like bloodbath-slash-conflagration. She tells her family about her interjection in the Gorga-Giudices' affairs, and even Bratshley is all, "Girlfriend, that is a bad idea." And if weave-pulling Bratshley is asking, "Why would you put yourself in the middle of a potentially bad situation," then Jacqueline, you in danger, girl. Instead of listening to her daughter's hard-learned, one-time-only piece of wisdom, Jacqueline just calls Bratshley a hypocrite and carries on her merry way. She notes that Teresa also has problems with her cousin Kathy, then trails off. I'm sure that will eventually blow up in everybody's faces, too.
Meanwhile, Albie, Christopher, and their roommate Greg return home to help Caroline rearrange furniture. It devolves into petty sniping, which Caroline attributes to Lauren having separation anxiety now that her brothers have left the nest. Lauren admits she feels left out of Albie and Christopher's lives now that they're living together. Albie insists that Lauren's more protective of them than they are of her, and adds that he, too, had to adjust when she started dating his best friend and former roommate Vito. He says that one of the bonuses of living with Greg -- who's gay -- is that he'll never end up dating Lauren. Somewhere along the way, Albie finds a Santa Claus with a busted face and jokes that they should leave it on someone's doorstep as a message. In the course of discussing what new decorations they should get, Caroline floats the idea of a feather Christmas tree. Albie takes issue with this idea, as does he complain about Greg's fondness for Mariah Carey's Christmas album. Three words, Albie: Greatest. Song. Ever. He claims he's going to boycott Christmas that year.
That night, Melissa primps for a meeting with music producers Soul Diggaz in which she'll have to prove that she has the vocal chops to pursue a recording career. Joe pours the guys some wine to lubricate their ears a little. After Melissa sings her song, the guys compliment her voice but tell her she has work to do to prepare for the long days recording sometimes entails. When Joe hears about the 15-hour days, he suddenly realizes he might have to actually take care of his children for a little while and gets antsy. He offers to build a recording studio in the house so she can wipe their noses and asses in between takes. Melissa thanks Joe and Jesus for their wonderful gifts.
Elsewhere, Juicy Joe slap chops himself up some garlic while Teresa readies herself for an at-home date night. She is wearing a hot pants skort, you guys. She reminds us of all their financial troubles as they sit down for a picnic in their unfurnished living room. Apparently they're paying off bills instead of buying new crap. It's a hard-knock life, Tre. Juicy compliments them on staying strong in the midst of all this chaos -- most recently a court case between Juicy and his former business partner over a loan. They agree to live and learn and reaffirm their love for each other.
The day, Annie Hall Kathy and Rich visit more possible restaurant locations. Kathy acknowledges that buying the restaurant will be a big risk financially, but thinks "if you don't dream, you don't live." And apparently she dreams of belly dancing and hookah pipes. The owner shows her around the place, and she gets more and more excited imagining herself in the kitchen. Rich takes a more measured approach, pointing out that the place might be a little too ambitious and large for their budget.
Meanwhile, Melissa tells Gino he should be feeding himself breakfast... as she feeds him his breakfast. She tells him, "I can't baby you forever, because then you'll be like your daddy when you get married." Downstairs, Joe tells the workers how to construct Melissa's recording studio. Melissa takes Gino down to bring Joe some coffee and check on his progress. Joe tells Melissa he's building a spot for himself to stand over the producers and intimidate them while Melissa's singing. Because that'll really get the creative juices flowing! Melissa admits that Joe's a typical, jealous Italian man, and pats herself on the back, admitting "there's a lot to be jealous about!" Joe wants to make the studio black and sexy, but Melissa tells him to make it gold because she plans to record gold records in there.
That night, Lauren and Jacqueline bring dinner to Albie, Christopher, and Greg. They wonder who's keeping the house so clean and quickly credit Greg. Albie does admit he misses Caroline and her "mom GPS." He says he talks to Caroline every day. Jacqueline asks, "And Lauren, too?" It hits a nerve, and Lauren confesses that she's a little jealous that their relationship with Greg seems to have taken precedence over their relationship with her. Albie. As a token of their love for her, Albie and Christopher give Lauren her Christmas present -- a key to their apartment -- early, saying she's welcome any time.
The day, Jacqueline strategically plans to get smaller glasses for her guests (specifically Teresa and Joe) so that no table flipping or banging occurs at her party because "one day [the tables] are going to fight back." And she doesn't want that day to be her party.
Back in Hoboken, Caroline and Lauren bring decorations to the boys' apartment. Caroline immediately notices that the feather tree has been haphazardly thrown on the floor. Albie says that he wanted a real tree because this feather situation must be a sign of the apocalypse. Nonetheless, it goes up. Lacking glitter to write the guys' names on their stockings, Lauren decides to use crushed red pepper and oregano to infuse the Italian spirit into the holiday. Caroline deems it "a very Guido Christmas." As they decorate, Greg says his New Year's resolution is to stop stressing over everything and chill out. He suggests they take a trip and invites Lauren to come along, but she pouts at this blatant afterthought of inclusion since her little breakdown the other night. Apparently, they didn't invite her to dinner with friends the other night, and she's sore about it. Albie tells her she has a key, so she can let herself in. Caroline tries to squash the pity party Lauren's throwing by telling her that life changes, as will her relationship with her brothers. Greg kvetches, "Christmas decorating is exhausting."
Back in Franklin Lakes, Jacqueline visits Kim G.'s house, even though Teresa probably wouldn't approve. Jacqueline insists she's her own person and makes her own decisions. As they walk around, Kim G. pulls out the drama, by saying she didn't get to decorate the house properly because she developed a brain tumor while she was building the house. Cue tears. Kim G. makes a pointed reference that some people don't know this side of her, meaning Teresa. Jacqueline wants to stay out of it, though she say that she doesn't think Teresa has any beef with Kim G., she just likes to -- and I quote -- "talk about her [old lady] butt crack." Cut to a flashback of Kim G. at the strip club with Danielle last year. Ha.
The ladies sit down, and Kim pulls out her Blackberry to gossip about Juicy's trial with his business partner. Jacqueline doesn't want to hear it because it's none of her business and tells Kim to tell her friend to "shut the fuck up." Kim refuses and keeps barreling through the news until Jacqueline literally screams at her to stop talking. Whereas Jacqueline subscribes to the idea that you're friends with someone through thick and thin and do everything you can to help her be better as a person, Kim pretty much just wants to talk shit about Teresa's spending habits. At which point Jacqueline actually starts leafing through a magazine, all the while cursing herself for dropping by.
Elsewhere, Teresa and Juicy return home from court. Teresa reports that things got heated because one of Kim G.'s friends Monica Chacon is the wife of Juicy's former business partner's lawyer. The very same Monica whom Kim G. introduced to Melissa at the Posche fashion show. Teresa says she confronted Monica in the court's corridor and told her to stop talking trash, and she doesn't think she'll ever hear from her again.
Kathy and Rich pay a visit to Albert at The Brownstone to solicit his advice about opening up a business in the restaurant/catering world. When Kathy mentions Rich's plans, Albert literally laughs in their face. He warns them their lives will change dramatically and that they'll have to sacrifice things like family events and time together in order to make this dream a reality. He credits Caroline for putting him with the lifestyle that most women wouldn't. He tells them a personal story about a friend of his who passed away in 9/11 and says that, at his funeral, there were many pictures of events his family had held at The Brownstone. He realized then how important a role he played in people's lives. Seeing what a big deal the restaurant will be, she wonders if she and Rich are ready for such a big commitment and responsibility. Albert likewise suggests she start out as a caterer and put the restaurant idea on hold. Rich thanks Albert for this reality check. Albert adds for good measure that if he'd been "dumb enough" to buy Christopher that car wash/strip club he wanted, he'd be washing cars (and probably gluing on pasties) at that very moment.
That night, Jacqueline oversees the last-minute preparations for her party as the guests begin to arrive. First in are the Manzos and Greg. up, Teresa and Juicy arrive from their long day in court. Instead of letting things lie, Jacqueline immediately tells Teresa that there's already a story on Radar Online about Juicy's court case. Teresa fills her in on the confrontation with Monica. The way she tells it is a lot calmer than the story Juicy relays, in which Teresa was "going off on" Monica and had to be pulled away. He admits that his wife is "fuckin' nuts." Jacqueline empathizes with Teresa's actions, and Teresa adds, "I needed to silence the lamb."
As they talk, Joe Gorga and Melissa walk up to the house, agreeing that it's a shame Kathy and Rich weren't invited. Chris and Jacqueline head to the door to welcome them in as Bratshley says that "anywhere there's drama, [Jacqueline] tries to put herself in it." She adds, "Come on, she was friends with Danielle for a reason." The Gorgas head in and make their introductions, during which there is a hilarious moment that Greg is so tall the camera guy has to cut off his head to keep Joe Gorga in the shot. The Gorgas and the Giudices awkwardly greet each other. Lauren pegs Melissa as "a younger version of Teresa, and a very beautiful one at that." She thinks that Teresa belonged to Melissa from the minute they said "I do."
Albie and Joe start talking, and Joe tells Albie he needs to find someone like Melissa to get his "exercise" on with. Caroline says they're obviously of the younger generation, which cracks her up. Teresa brings up Antonia's recital and says she wishes she was invited. Mistake #1. Melissa takes a big swig of wine after telling Teresa she was upstate with the Manzos and Lauritas. She wonders, in turn, why they weren't invited to the weekend getaway. Which is really beside the point because obviously they wouldn't have gone on account of the recital, which probably would have fueled their nonsense conflict further. Still, there's not a tension-filled moment that either Teresa or Melissa won't jump on. Caroline tries to cut off this conflict at the pass, saying that they'll definitely be invited time. Jacqueline interview that, since Teresa and Juicy are fun, and since Melissa and Joe are fun, it only makes sense that all together, they'd be fun, too. She declares, "Cut the shit and let's party." Yeah, because this party is so fun right now and not at all rife with passive-aggressive bullshit.
Then there's a completely weird and uncomfortable interlude in which Christopher has Joe act out various emotions for an impromptu photo shoot. For some reason, sensitive involved nipple tweaking. And clearly anger involves table flipping, which everyone gets a kick out of in light of Teresa's antics. After Albert calls it "a Gorga thing," Teresa insists she's only ever flipped one table and that she'll never do it again. Melissa warns the group never to dare Joe to do anything because he will most certainly do it. Suddenly everyone's eyes glisten with evil glee and within seconds they're daring Joe to switch outfits with Jacqueline. Christopher pipes up, "You don't have the body for it," and it is ON. As Joe goes off to change, Melissa tells everyone that the Gorgas are "all a little cuckoo."
Bonus footage: Juicy makes a pass at Greg, and Teresa tries to get in on the action. Greg respectfully declines.
Joe returns wearing a very sparkly frock and stud-walks around the kitchen. Oh dear, it's not even a dress, it's a jumpsuit. And Joe's wearing earrings. One of the guys gets the bright idea for him to do a high kick. Jacqueline makes a mental note to burn that shit right after everyone leaves. Christopher declares the Gorgas "awesome," and Melissa jokes that she is "so not having sex tonight."
The fun quickly gets sucked out of the room when talk turns to siblings. Teresa blurts out that Joe getting married was like losing a brother. Melissa squawks, "You have a sister over here, hello!" They start waving their hands and daring each other to be sisters. Yep, this is going nowhere fast. Caroline interjects to remind them, "You're in a good place! Stay there!" As an olive branch, Melissa invites everyone to her Christmas party that weekend. This backfires when Teresa falls silent, clearly getting territorial over her friends, though she claims she's not worried about sharing with Melissa. Oh, how charitable you are, Teresa! Really embracing the Christmas spirit...
week: Kathy thinks the Christmas season is a perfect time to reconcile with Teresa. And what better place than at the Gorgas' $50,000 party? Except Kathy dresses like she's going to war with some sort of suit of armor take-off dress. And that's without mentioning that Melissa has invited the dreaded Monica Chacon to her party, and Joe is downing drinks like it's the christening, part two. Soon enough, Melissa fears that her elegant affair is going to turn into a mosh pit.