Previously: Teresa sat down with her brother Joe, and nothing was resolved. (Not even a table was flipped!) Then she sat down with her sister-in-law Melissa, which is where we left off...
We rejoin the sit-down as Melissa insists that family is not most important to Teresa. As Jacqueline sits in the other room, talk returns to the throwdown... ummm... I mean christening. Melissa claims Teresa knows exactly why Joe told her to walk away, but Teresa plays dumb. Melissa tells Teresa she's fake, especially when the cameras are around. More to the point, Juicy Joe didn't show up to the hospital after Melissa gave birth to Joey. Talk turns to money, and Melissa's all, "Guidettes in glass houses..." Teresa tries to put an end to the blame game by saying everyone has a part in the current conflict. Melissa insists she's never done anything wrong or hurtful. She asks what she's done, but Teresa refuses to bring up the past -- or she just can't think of anything.
Teresa says they should just move forward, if only for her parents. She suggests they meet halfway, then starts up with the finger pointing again. She thinks Melissa pushed her away when she got married to Joe and never really treated her like a sister. Melissa argues that Teresa pushed her to that point by treating her poorly in the first place. Teresa again claims it was both of them. In an interview, Melissa recalls an incident where Teresa became territorial when Melissa arranged a photo shoot with the same photographer who had taken pictures of Gia. Lord, this stuff is stupid. The women insist they're on the same page -- that they want their kids to be able to grow up together -- but the atmosphere remains contentious.
Then Melissa brings up Kathy and fuhgeddaboudit. Teresa says they're there to talk about them and forces Melissa to hug it out. Melissa claims she's going to forget everything that's happened, then in an interview says she still doubts Teresa. Talk goes back to Teresa's parents, whom she thinks are perfect. Melissa says it's not easy to walk in as an in-law. In her interview, Teresa rehashes the story of a former Christmas when an ex-girlfriend called Joe, and Melissa stormed out of the house. She says her mother started off on the wrong foot with Melissa because of that incident. She tells Melissa to show her mother-in-law love. Melissa insists she does.
In the other room, Jacqueline is dispirited that the progress that the progress is giving way to tit for tat jabs. She tries to break up the tension by offering some cookies, but the ladies semi-politely decline. At this point, Melissa takes out some pictures she brought of the time way back when she and Teresa "used to, like, like each other." She claims she brought them to remind Teresa of the good times, but her delivery is pretty stank. Jacqueline advises them to zip it when they start into the back-and-forth. As an olive branch, Teresa asks Jacqueline to invite Melissa and Joe to her holiday party. Melissa agrees to come, and then it starts back up again. Melissa says Teresa doesn't show her and Joe any love. Teresa says she's the most loving person ever. It's like listening to two chickens clucking at each other. Jacqueline actually sits on Teresa's lap to get her to shut it and quit while she's ahead. Instead, Teresa asks Jacqueline for confirmation that they've never fought in nine years of knowing each other. Melissa doesn't think Jacqueline is the fighting type, so Teresa informs her that Ol' Iron Fists Jacqueline punched Caroline in the face once. Teresa says she could be worse. (Barely.)
Over at the Manzo manse, Caroline and Albert discuss her radio show. He says she started off rocky but hit her stride after a little while. Caroline changes the topic to the upcoming group trip to the Catskills. She's a little bit nervous about how things will go down since Teresa is the hostess.
Over at the Laurita homestead, Jacqueline's packing consists of two massive bottles of wine. We're talkin' Jeroboams here. Chris, on the other hand, is bringing guns. He jokes that Teresa isn't allowed to go near them.
Gorga mansion. Melissa is getting ready for Antonia's ballroom dance performance, telling her sister that Antonia is the youngest person who's ever been in the show. Word is still out whether her in-laws are going to attend the recital. It's especially chafing to Melissa because her mother-in-law is always over at Teresa's taking care of her kids. As usual she feels left out. Melissa's sister asks how the sit-down with Teresa went. Melissa classifies it as aggravating and says Teresa took the words out of her mouth. She reiterates that family does not come first for Teresa, such as when she didn't call Melissa on her 30th birthday. She says that this is Teresa's last chance.
Giudice house. Teresa leaves for the Catskills -- to which she did not invite Joe and Melissa. She is literally wearing Yetis on her feet, by the way. She and Juicy get in the car with Jacqueline and Chris and start driving. The Manzos, minus Lauren, are coming tomorrow.
That evening, Rich joins Kathy as she organizes her recipes in preparation for the upcoming holiday. She says she wants to make a go of dessert making professionally, but Rich thinks she should open up a restaurant or a banquet hall. He urges her to come look at spaces with him, and she agrees.
Upstate, the Giudices and Lauritas arrive at Juicy's family cabin, which is chockablock with stuffed beasts. Teresa's father prepares dinner as they chit-chat and check out Chris's guns. Teresa gets hold of one, but luckily there are no casualties... yet. Joe's parents arrive, and they sit down for dinner and toast to the "Giudice Country Club."
As everyone enjoys seconds, Jacqueline goes around the house spraying Febreze and sticking baking soda in the fridge. What a great guest! She interviews that Juicy's homemade wine smells like "old dog fart" and rotten eggs. Teresa, however, loves it. The stinky wine flows for all, and things get increasingly more comfortable -- or uncomfortable, depending on how you look at it. Even Jacqueline wants to draw the line when Teresa announces that Juicy likes to call her a dirty slut. Jacqueline admits it's the first time she's seen Teresa truly comfortable in a while. But that comes at the price of hearing Juicy talk about Teresa's blowjob skills.
And listening to Teresa get all hot and bothered about Juicy's pizza-making skills, evidently. Because it's pizza competition time. Jacqueline starts in own her trademark Nutella calzone while Teresa flaps around some dough. She says suggestively that good pizza requires, "a little bit of love, a little bit of stretching, a little bit of pushing." While the pizzas cook, the ladies talk about their Christmas plans. Teresa says Kathy's not in her plans or her thoughts. She interviews that the falling out occurred between her parents and Kathy's parents and was over a paltry $200. Teresa says she wants to focus on her immediate family right now. The pizzas finish up, and Jacqueline unilaterally declares herself the winner.
The day, Kathy and Rich go out looking at restaurants. She wants to make it clear to Rich that they're partners, and he's not her boss. They arrive at the space, but Kathy thinks it's more "Jersey Italian" pizzeria than she wants. She thinks her restaurant should have an upscale European feel. The place similarly flops, which Rich owes to Kathy's control freak tendencies.
Meanwhile, Teresa tells us about Juicy's vibrating cockring. I am not kidding. She makes sure to inform us that it stretches to accommodate Juicy's enormous schlong. Thanks. A bit later, Juicy's uncle prepares a pig for roasting while Teresa and her Yetis shoot guns.
A bit after that, Caroline, Albie, Christopher, and Caroline's friend Dolores arrive to a 21-gun salute. Caroline says she loves the country and had a working farm growing up. However, she doesn't like the chaos of this household. She wonders exactly how responsible these gun-toting nutbags are. Teresa emerges in a hide and fur ensemble to greet them. Caroline okays gun shooting but forbids her boys from riding four-wheelers because one of her friends in high school was decapitated in an accident. Teresa thinks Caroline should loosen the leash on her 20-something boys.
Teresa brings up her conversation with Melissa the other day. She doubts Melissa's sincerity in admitting any wrongs. Jacqueline wonders if they might both be too stubborn to make it work, but Teresa insists she's now dealing with a clean slate. She knows she did the right thing. Caroline says Italians do everything bigger -- love, laugh, fight, and make up. She's been in a similar situation with various members of 10 brothers and sisters, plus their husbands and wives. Teresa tries to get Caroline to loosen up a little by drinking, but Caroline wants to leave the option open to escape at any moment. Good thinkin', red.
That afternoon, the ladies head into town and contemplate the idea of cow tipping while the men shoot watermelons they've nailed to trees. Juicy proves quite adept at the shooting and compares himself to John Wayne. Chris jokes that no one who sees Juicy with a gun would ever date one of his sisters or cousins. Chris wonders if Juicy has given Teresa a holiday budget, but Juicy says Teresa does what she wants. In town, the ladies are also talking about shopping. Teresa promises not to go crazy like she normally would. she thinks her kids will be happy with one or two things, which I find patently absurd. Delusional much? They head into a store and find out about all the hot clubs in town, thinking maybe they can find Dolores a man that night. Meanwhile, the guys get their four-wheeler on. Christopher knows Caroline told them not to but says she has nothing to worry about because Albie "drives like a bitch."
Gorga mansion. Joe gropes all up on Melissa as they prepare to go to Antonia's recital. They get into the car, and Melissa tells him to spend every minute possible with his parents because she regrets not having more time with her deceased father.
Catskills. The ladies have arrived back, and Juicy brags about his marksmanship. Caroline notes how much more comfortable Juicy is now that he's shot some rounds. Teresa sees how Caroline interacts with her brother Chris and is sad for what she's missing with her brother. Eventually Teresa's father brings in the pig, which grosses Caroline out. Not helped by the fact that Christopher is wagging the tongue in front of her face. A few minutes later, Chris waves a lamb head in front of her until she squeals and runs off. She insists she's only having pancakes and popcorn from here on out. Chris makes a toast, and they all sit down to eat. Juicy promises to be civil with Joe and Melissa at Jacqueline's holiday party, though he jokes that he's going to give Joe a wedgie one of these days.
Bonus: Juicy and Jacqueline can both do the splits -- Joe in the style of Jean-Claude Van Damme. That was something I did not need to see. That and his cockring. Double thanks!
After many drinks, the Giudices and the Lauritas decide to go ride around on four-wheelers, meriting a side eye from Caroline. It's less fun for Jacqueline, who thinks Chris drives too fast. She threatens to take his credit card on a shopping spree first thing when they get home. In a trifecta of ick, Teresa tells Juicy when they get back, "Thank you for the ride, I'll give you a ride later." Are they trying to kill me???
Back in Jersey, Kathy and her family arrive for Antonia's performance. Melissa warns Kathy that Teresa and Joe's mother will be there. It'll be the first time they've seen each other since the Posche fashion show. Kathy insists she'll always respect her aunt and refuses to get caught up in the petty stuff. Joe takes Antonia the elder out for a spin on the floor, and Melissa notes that the tension is completely gone with Teresa's not around.
Eventually it's show time, which is less ballroom and more fan-based weirdness. Oh yeah, and there's an old lady in a flapper costume and some be-fringed Q-tip people. Antonia marches out (literally) and romps around with a black Tony Manero, exposing her little pink panties under lacy leggings when she does a heel stretch into the splits. The family cheers for her and gives her huge hugs when she emerges from backstage. A heartwarming moment between the two Antonias inspires Melissa to let go of the pettiness and let bygones be bygones with Teresa from here on out.
Upstate, the gang heads out drinking out the B&B Lounge, which Caroline snarks means "Busted & Broke." The night starts with shots, which soon leads to some inappropriate dancing between Teresa and Juicy. More shots later, Teresa goes on her manhunt for Dolores. And hey, there's Teardrop from Winter's Bone! Get it, Dolores! Teresa takes the stage to announce that Dolores is looking eligible bachelors and tasks the men with saying their best line on the mic. Things really go wrong when a sexagenarian in a Kangol hat tells Dolores she makes him melt like butter. Long story short, there is a dearth of juiceheads in the Catskills. Shocker.
The morning, more shooting and more faux fur adorning Teresa's body. Caroline has already entered her vacation (and presumably actual) hangover. Before they can head back to Franklin Lakes, however, the group attends church in the chapel at the end of Teresa's driveway. Teresa requests a moment of silence, but Caroline and Jacqueline can't keep their shit together at the juxtaposition of shooting guns then going to church. Don't move down South, child. They finish up their mini-service, and Caroline issues a prayer: Please, God, just let us get through the holidays.
week: Melissa continues to pursue her singing career. Kathy makes steps toward opening her restaurant. Lauren feels left out. Juicy faces legal drama. Kim G. returns. And Joe Gorga dresses in drag... again.