GymNasty

S03E05

The day, Teresa gets a voicemail from her brother Joe that he would like to attend Gia's gymnastics meet that weekend. Just the mention of it reduces Gia to tears. They try to call Joe to welcome him to the event, but they get voicemail, and his mailbox is full. Not a good omen.

Kathy and her husband Rich have a sit-down with their kids to talk about their annual contracts with each other. Since they were young, Kathy's kids have signed contracts promising not to do drugs or drink. As they send the kids upstairs to write out their promises, Rich teases Kathy that if the kids screw up, it's her fault. If they do something good, he's responsible. The kids come back down with their contracts. Sixteen-year-old Victoria's is rather straightforward, promising not to do drugs or drink. Little Joseph, 14, shows some promise as a future lawyers as he rocks the legalese, talking about "pre-existing contracts" and avowing that he will stand by his beliefs, though he admittedly refuses to promise not to drink. Kathy reacts as you'd expect a concerned mother to react. Rich says he respects Joseph's honesty and admits he drank in high school. He interviews that he supports Kathy's ideals for her kids but still likes to play good cop sometimes. Kathy, on the other hand, interviews that she wants Rich to step up as head of the household, then slyly adds that she'll be the neck -- "because without the neck, the head doesn't go anywhere." Rich continues talking with the kids, advising them to try out drinking with him first. They're all, "That is SO not the point, dad."

Melissa goes shopping with her sisters and enlightens them about her thrilling coat fetish. And by "thrilling," I mean boring as all hell. Teresa interviews that Melissa was planning on being a teacher when she met Joe, then they got married and her educational aspirations conveniently went on the backburner. As Melissa tries on a slew of questionable ensembles, the girls chat about Melissa's dreams of being a singer. Apparently Joe bought her a piano and is really pushing her to pursue her passion, which is amazing because, in Melissa's words, "Joe likes me pregnant and cooking in the kitchen." As it happens, Kathy has introduced Melissa to a songwriter, and so the wheels are turning on a Zolciak-esque rise to relevance. Though I'm banking on more of a Jo De La Rosa trajectory. Especially if Melissa taps her sisters to be back-up dancers like they're desperately angling for.