Previously: Lauren was the only child left in the Manzo nest, while Bratshley was trying to jump out of the Laurita nest. Teresa and her brother Joe began planning their competing Thanksgiving celebrations and wondered whether they should even be contact with each other in the future.
Melissa and Joe drive to the market to pick up supplies for Tacky Thanksgiving #1. Joe naturally takes the opportunity when he and Melissa are inspecting some pork butt to slap the aforementioned butt and tell the butcher that he's an ass man. And an asshole, hey-oh! Melissa says she always has a huge, Italian Thanksgiving with her whole family. The notable exception this year will, of course, be Teresa. Melissa micromanages Joe, who is like a kid in the candy store and wouldn't know anything about grocery shopping anyway because, as he reminds us, that's woman's work.
Meanwhile, Teresa and her husband Juicy Joe drive out to the turkey farm to pick up their turkey. Juicy has to clarify for Teresa that Thanksgiving is not an Italian holiday. Then they have some hijinx where they get lost in the rain.
Elsewhere, Kathy prepares the desserts for Melissa's celebration, including tiramisu, as her husband Rich wonders whether Teresa will be there. Kathy suspects no, saying it would be "interesting," which is apparently the "it is what it is" of 2011. But the real question is, what will be this season's new "prostitution whore"? I'm tinkling my fingers in anticipation! Kathy says she doesn't normally spend Thanksgiving with family, and Rich thinks that hanging out with the Giudice-Gorgas has been a nightmare lately. The situation spirals downward as Kathy burns some of her desserts. She admits she was shaken up by her conversation with Caroline and is concerned about maintaining her reputation. As Kathy goes off the rails, Rich snarks, "Now I know where Teresa gets her attitude from."
Speaking of whom, Teresa and Juicy are still lost somewhere en route to the turkey farm. As they quibble over directions, Juicy jokes that he's going to be beating Teresa with the turkey and sticking her in the oven by the time Thanksgiving's over. They finally reach the store, where they're allowed to meet the turkey before it's slaughtered for them. The experience is somewhat diminished by the fact chicken and turkey coops literally smell like shit. Despite the fact that the turkey farmer assures Teresa that the turkeys are unaware of their gruesome fates, Teresa thinks the turkeys have devised some sort of grim communication system to warn their comrades of their impending doom. Too bad we humans aren't that sophisticated, or else someone could have told Danielle about the table flip heard round the world. But then where would reality TV be? The lesson? Turkeys are smarter than us. At least if you ask Teresa. Not satisfied to sentence a turkey to its fowl (har har) end, Teresa opts to buy a turkey that was butchered the day before, and the Giudices pay for it with cash.
Elsewhere, Caroline travels with her husband and Lauren to Vito's house. She's looking forward to getting to know the Scalias as Lauren's potential parents-in-law as opposed to the parents of Albie's roommates. Lauren tells her parents that the Scalias are from Sicily, then assures us that his family isn't in the mob, nor are the Manzos. They pull up to the Little Italy deli, meet the parents, and reminisce over the first time they met. Apparently Caroline knew even then that Lauren was destined to be with Vito. As they tour the facilities and cut up prosciutto, Caroline says that core values are more important than financial statements. Albert tells the rags to riches story of how he came to own The Brownstone.
Over in Hoboken, the Manzo boys squabble over borrowed clothes as their third roommates cleans up. Bratshley arrives and explains that she is very close to the Manzo kids because she spent her first summer in New Jersey living in their house. Bratshley complains about how hard her commute to work in New York City is. Chris has no patience for the whining, noting that about literally millions of people commute to the city from New Jersey every day. Chris and Albie both did it themselves, in fact. Bratshley still thinks she can make it work to get an apartment in the city, but Albie predicts she'll realistically be back in Jersey in three months since she has no money. Bratshley threatens to start crying again because clearly that's been working since she was a baby.
The day, Jacqueline and Chris note that Bratshley's room and the kitchen are mysteriously clean. Then the brat herself comes back in and announces that she's walked the dog. Jacqueline and Chris are stunned at this turn of events. Personally, I think the lady doth protest too much. We'll see how long this sudden change of behavior lasts. The parents agree with me and ask Bratshley about her motives. She claims she is thinking of ways to "improve herself," then tells them that she's giving up on living in the city and reformulating a more solid plan. She recognizes the reality that Jacqueline and Chris won't be supporting her in that way, even though she "just wanted to be Carrie Bradshaw." Apparently part of Bratshley's newly formulated plan is to sucker her parents into getting her a car if the Cheshire Cat grin she adopts after mentioning it implies anything. This cat certainly hasn't changed her stripes.
The day, Teresa prepares for her "Friendsgiving" celebration. As she cooks, she is sad that her brother hasn't reached out to her since she wrote the letter. She wonders if they'll ever get back to where they were before Christening-gate 2010. As the girls get the table ready, she tries to teach them that Thanksgiving isn't about materialism and perfection as much as it is about family and friends. Of which she barely has any, including her husband, who is sleeping upstairs instead of helping her get ready.
Meanwhile, Melissa's sisters arrive to help her prepare her celebration. The guys drink shots and snooze as they women cook in their mink aprons (yeah, you heard me right). Kathy arrives a little later, ceremoniously laying out her miniature pies, cannolis, three kinds of soup, and various other desserts. Everyone is well impressed with her spread. As the cooking gets underway, Joe tells Melissa to join him outside in one minute for a great surprise. Instead of a puppy or diamonds, however, she finds a mechanical bull in the front yard. As you'd expect, Rich is on that shit like white on rice. Even Kathy takes a turn, albeit for about 10 seconds. Melissa goes , and she and Joe make it more sexual than necessary... like always. Good thing no one has put down those miniature pies yet because they'd be coming right back up.
Back at the Giudice mansion, the Manzos arrive with pignoli cookies, followed by Kim D. and the Lauritas, bearing sprinkle cookies. The wine and champagne start flowing as Jacqueline interviews that she knows it's been a tough year for Teresa and her family. As they drink, Teresa tearfully acknowledges that Caroline and Jacqueline have been there for her more than her family. She calls Caroline the older sister she never had. Caroline adds "hotter" to that list to lighten the mood. It doesn't work, and Teresa continues to well up as they all toast to a good "Friendsgiving."
Bonus: Teresa and Juicy tells the Manzo-Lauritas about their adventures at the turkey farm, including such gems as "I had turkey poop in my throat" (thanks for that info, Juicy!). Caroline is nonplussed at their squeamishness because she grew up on a farm and used to shoot down varmints ever'day.
The Gorga celebration begins as Melissa says grace. Everyone digs in and eventually someone brings up the elephant in the room: Where is Teresa. Melissa interviews that Joe is thick-skinned but extremely emotional that his relationship with his family isn't better. And then comes the magic phrase -- "it is what it is."
Over at the Giudice house, Teresa lays down some discipline on Gabriella after she smacks Milania, and Gia asks Vito when he and Lauren are going to get married. Christopher teases her that they can't get married because they would only get married if Gia is Christopher's date to the wedding. Gia plays telephone, running down to the other side of the table to report the news about Vito and Lauren to Caroline. Caroline is certain that the question wasn't popped since she and Albert know noting of it. Lauren makes it clear that Vito will have to ask Albert's permission before he proposes, and Teresa said she was exactly the same with Juicy.
As dinner wraps up, Jacqueline brings up Teresa's letter to Caroline. At the same time, Joe tells Kathy and the others what Teresa wrote. He admits he doesn't know what to do about the letter but does hope that he and Teresa can get back to the place they once were. Kathy starts to cry imagining the same fate befalling her two children. Over Giudice way, Juicy thinks Joe should respect Teresa because she's the older sibling. He says everything that Joe has he's gotten through Teresa. We flash back to the housewarming party where Teresa introduced Joe to the whole crowd, insinuating that the only reason they're on the show is because of Teresa. (Though Melissa and Joe might beg to differ.)
Then there's a brouhaha about some stupid handwritten card that Melissa wrote to Teresa about her "re-done home." Apparently it's a petty pun that no one in this gathering appreciates, though it seems the pettiness isn't restricted to the Gorga side of things. Juicy says Melissa wasn't brought up with class, and Teresa insists that she's a new woman who won't let these machinations get to her. Then she says, "I'm sure there's going to be another opportunity for me to get her back." Glad to see you've grown up, Tre. She also relates the curious incident of the cookies in the night, wherein Melissa brought Teresa some sprinkle cookies to Christmas the year before. Teresa alleges that no one ate them, so she threw them away and told Melissa she should have brought pignoli cookies. Even Caroline is all, "Well that was a stank move." Apparently said stank move was justifiable, though, because Teresa knew she was being a hag. Do we see the distinction?
Finally Caroline has enough. She tells everyone it's not about the cookies and to shut the hell up already. Chris agrees that somebody needs to take the high road and diffuse the situation. Jacqueline says that, no matter how angry Teresa is, she's obviously hurt deep inside about it. Caroline advises her to start by repairing her relationship with Joe, then move on to Melissa. Teresa says the ball is in Joe's court.
Back at the Gorgas, Melissa likewise advises Joe to reconnect with his sister. She says she'll give up her grudges if Joe tells her to and start fresh. The whole family remind Joe that Teresa is his only sister and encourage him to embrace this opportunity to men the relationship. Melissa interviews that she's especially willing to let her problems with Teresa go because she knows how traumatic it is to lose a family member since her father died when she was a teenager. She tells Joe, "You need to talk to her, or else I'm going to talk to her." Joe promises to call Teresa and hear her out, then wishes everyone a happy Thanksgiving.
week: Melissa reveals her singing talent. Kathy reveals her daughter's battle with cancer. Bratshley checks out cars. Caroline goes into radio. And will Joe make it to goddaughter Gia's gymnastics meet? The thrills! The suspense! The leotards!