Oh for fuck's sake. Much like the mafia, you think you're out of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but they just pull you right back in. While it was the season finale last week, SURPRISE! It's the reunion special! And not just a one-time affair, oh no, it's two parts because clearly all the insanity can't fit into one hour of television. So whip up a batch of Diet Coke and Barolo (try not to blow anything up this time) and settle into your leopard print papasan to watch the brawl.
Andy Cohen's voice rings out: These women have not been under the same roof in over a year. Let's bring them together under the vaunted roof of the Borgata, who was undoubtedly paid a very hefty security deposit for allowing these women access. They probably bolted the tables to the floor, too. Andy Cohen looks ...tense as he pretends to smile at the women splayed out around him like greyhounds (spray tanned, beadazzled, leopard print, weave wearing, siliconed greyhounds) ready to leap out of the cages and START THIS THING.
Jacqueline and Teresa are on one side, Caroline and Danielle on the other. Andy is wearing a glossy purple tie hoping to distract the ladies with something shiny when they get rambunctious. He starts the proceedings with a question about Jersey. You see, the Real Housewives of New Jersey were the ORIGINATORS of the New Jersey trend that has spawned Jersey Shore, Jersey Couture, and god knows what other Jersey-themed shows are in the works on those wacky networks. IT'S THEIR FAULT. Burn the witches! Andy Cohen wants to talk politics, which much like religion are verboten topics for dinner parties, but he plunges right in: The Governor of New Jersey thinks Jersey Shore is vile and misrepresentative of the Garden State. So, who watches the show? Teresa claims she watched it once, at a friend's house, and, uh, she really prefers to read ...um, Houellebecq and sometimes Paglia in her free time. Teresa stops herself from talking about philosophy and critical theory for fear of ruining her reputation and instead denounces Jersey Shore for promoting promiscuity among the GTL-set.
Speaking of promiscuity at the Jersey Shore, Danielle once slept with a guy at the shore while her children were in the same house! SHAME!!! Danielle blinks a few times, because WHOA did you see the segue on that woman? And who knew Teresa was going to bring the crazy so damn early in the proceedings? I mean, yes, we could have guessed, but still. Maybe someone fed her, like, twelve Red Bulls before she got on stage. Teresa is looking a little frumpy and her hair is flattened and maybe the baby isn't sleeping through the night yet and Teresa is feeling a little COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE. Danielle is still blinking trying to calculate Teresa's zero to complete bitch speed. She finally mumbles, "You're really insane." Which is accurate, but also a huge understatement.
Danielle adds that Teresa never has anything nice to say and Teresa denies this because they used to be friends! BFF! Or at least BFF-ish and like Tyler Perry says, it's a thin line between love and hate. Then Jacqueline and Teresa start jumping up and down on the couch about how Danielle had sex and The Children overheard it and it was at Teresa's beach house and it was troubling for The Children. I would blame cheap home construction for that, but Teresa would probably throw a table at me. Danielle is remaining Very Calm while Teresa and Jacqueline talk about her sex life on national television whilst pretending they WOULD NEVER talk about her private life on national television. Andy Cohen attempts to change the subject.
The question is: Why do you women talk like troglodytic idiots? They have the clips to prove it, including Danielle's frequent use of "woman" instead of "women" and Teresa's many, many verbal gaffes. Danielle and Teresa both mouth along to Andy Cohen's Queen's English, but Teresa quickly gives up and decides to OWN her stupidity. She likes having her own language, it makes her unique. Also, stupid.
Andy decides to talk babies, because who can talk smack about babies, right? He introduces us to Baby Nicholas and Teresa's hilarious Ow! Ow! Ow! birth scene for Audriana. It also shows off Teresa's insane collection of French prostitute baby hats. Everyone looks teary eyed, so Andy decides to ruin the mood: Danielle, why didn't you congratulate Jacqueline on her baby? Danielle coolly remarks that Jacqueline instructed her via published notice not to come near her. Jacqueline barks that they made up afterwards and Danielle still never mentioned her new addition. Danielle calmly congratulates Jacqueline on her new and very attractive son. Jacqueline asks her not to hit on her son ...or come near him. Whee! This is fun.
Let's talk Dina! Teresa blames Danielle for Dina's departure. During the last reunion show Caroline and Dina accused Danielle of something, but they never clarified what it was. Andy asks if someone can explain. Danielle says she later found out that it was that she tried to take Dina's daughter away. Um...WHAT?! Danielle claims it was a total fabrication, but Caroline's face believes it is ALL TRUE. Jacqueline and Teresa are grinding their teeth and growling as Danielle points out that it was all a lie and she doesn't care about Dina's daughter. The other three ladies are all bouncing out of their skin dying to talk, but Jacqueline I think points out that Danielle placed a "silencer" on Dina so she couldn't talk about it. I am going to assume she doesn't mean a gun, because even drama-loving Bravo wouldn't allow a gun toting criminal on TV (that's VH1's niche), but, perhaps a gag order?
After a lot more screaming and calling of Danielle garbage, Andy sums it up: Danielle got a gag order on Dina. Caroline, Teresa, and Jacqueline are all screaming and talking over each other about how evil Danielle is and Caroline is demanding that Danielle Never Talk About Her Sister. But, ladies? What judge is going to put a gag order on someone telling the truth? Is that not important? That said, if Danielle really did try and take Dina's daughter away, WHOA. That has risen to a whole new level of Crazy Bitch. My guess? Dina has a crazy ex who really didn't want their daughter on the show. I bet Danielle helped his lawsuit in some way and the judge placed a gag order on the whole proceeding for the protection of the poor poor child's well being.
Andy shoots everyone with a tranquilizer dart and tries to get the interview back on track. No luck! Danielle asks Teresa if she ever "acknowledged her nephew" and I don't think anyone knows what Danielle is getting at, but Teresa jumps out of her seat, sticks her finger in Danielle's face and starts screaming either "Don't bring up my family!" or "Don't break up my family!" And then lets loose a blue streak of f-bombs, mother f-bombs, bitches. She is inches from Danielle's face when Danielle gets up to leave. Andy grabs Teresa and then SHE SHOVES HIM BACK IN HIS SEAT. She is still screaming after Danielle and trying to lunge after her. Hopefully Andy got hazard pay for this episode, because he once again enters the fray and bravely holds her back. Caroline comes up to help slap some sense into her. But Teresa entered Thermo-Nuclear Meltdown mode and has completely lost it and is just screaming, "She's a bitch!" over and over and trying to toss throw pillows in Danielle's general direction. This is very relaxing television.
So who is this nephew who is so frenzy inducing? I Googled it and the rumor is: That slab of donkey meat that Teresa has married may have knocked up her sister! Or her friend! Or no one at all! Either way, everyone looks Really Classy. Truly an impressive display all around. Danielle must have been dying to let that little nugget rip. I mean, that probably gave her three hours of giggle fits. In fact, she is probably giggling back stage right now.
Obviously Teresa needs a Time Out. She heads off camera to talk to her consigliere, who is, naturally, her hairdresser. Teresa has scarcely ca
lmed down at all, but returns to the couch to holler some more. When Andy goes back to talk to Danielle, she tells him she is not going back out there unless Teresa is duct-taped to the couch or Jailbird Danny and his feathered hair get to stand on stage. I made up that last part, because I think Danny is suing her now.
Andy promises that Teresa won't hit her, but Danielle looks doubtful, because Teresa threw Andy off of her like he was a Gap sweatshirt at a Prada sample sale. Outside the dressing room, Teresa is screaming: YOU MAKE HER COME BACK HERE, ANDY! YOU MAKE HER! Danielle is being soothed by HER hairdresser as well as her "music partner" now. Eventually she comes back to the couch with not a hair (extension) out of place. Andy asks some ridiculous question about Danielle helping Jacqueline get pregnant, where Jacqueline denies it all and Danielle makes her "I hate you" face while asking for a simple thank you.
Andy changes the subject to talk about how Caroline is everyone's favorite mother and her struggles with her Golden Boy Albie flunking out of law school. She tears up watching the trials of Albert, Jr. and then opines that she hopes he becomes President of the United States. If that happens, please kill me. Suicide pact? Also, I'm not sure if the White House can handle The Ham Game. Who wants to talk about the ham game when we can talk about Joe Giudice hiding the salami with Teresa's sister? Moving on! Caroline, shaving enthusiast, defends her preferred facial exfoliating technique, but not even Bravo Andy is buying it. Just admit that you're half monkey, Caroline! Admit it! No? Maybe in Reunion, Part 2?
Andy wants to talk about Danielle's daughters, Jillian the singer-songwriter and Christine the model and Teresa's four darling French hookers. Danielle says some nice things about Teresa's children, but Teresa is so dead-behind-the-eyes at this point (perhaps plotting Joe's imminent demise) that it doesn't even register. Then Andy reads out Danielle's comments about dressing her little girls in crinoline and lace and her dogs in leopard print. Danielle pretends that this was in no way comparing Teresa's children to tiny tiny yappy dogs. LIES! Teresa's children are dressed like French prostitutes most of the time and tiny tiny yappy dogs sometimes get dressed like the Gorton's fisherman. You know, when it's raining. Caroline confirms that she thinks Danielle's children lack any light in their eyes, which is true. Jacqueline asks Danielle if she knows that her daughters cry at school every day? Danielle has no comment other than, "Teenagers!" If true, that is very sad, but the Manzos, Giudice and Lauritas have to take some of the blame for the rumors that start in the hotbed of Chateau's manicure room that end up making the girls cry.
Teresa's Klonopin has apparently kicked in because she is ready to smile politely when Andy asks her if menstruating women really ruin the pasta sauce. FACT! Teresa firmly stands by this. It will also ruin the wine that Joe makes in their marble-lined wine stomping room. Andy expresses shock that Joe makes his own wine, because, um...WHAT? Teresa nods vigorously as if this is the most obvious thing that Joe would be doing in his spare time from the marble, concrete, and pizza making business.
Andy then takes us on a clip tour of Teresa spending Joe's hard-earned cash. It is an impressive tour from Gia's pink limousine spa birthday to their Playboy-bunny-and-fire-breather housewarming party to her anniversary ring that was a sapphire, not a diamond. She's not made of money, you know! Andy flat out asks Teresa: Is her home in foreclosure? Teresa says no. Andy then starts listing the court filings as quoted in the New York Post. Teresa claims it is all lies, except for the bankruptcy part. Teresa claims Joe misled her about their financial situation and she would have changed her spending habits if she had known. Jacqueline and Caroline look uncomfortable as Andy lists off Teresa's debt, but Jacqueline claims that Teresa started working as soon as she found out. It's unclear whether she means working, like, at a job, or whether she means working as in not shopping EVERY day. Finally Andy asks Teresa about Joe's DUI. Caroline and Teresa and Jacqueline all think Joe fell asleep at the wheel, woke up in his destroyed vehicle, and went to get soused. Danielle expresses some VERY REASONABLE doubt about getting drunk before the cops arrive. I mean, even Joe isn't that stupid, right? ...Wait.
Andy asks Danielle if she is a troublemaker and she agrees that she might be. We then get a series of clips meant to help us parse whether Danielle is a victim or a bully. I am pretty sure she is a sociopath who thinks she is a victim and hopefully she will ride out into the sunset on a pink unicorn in a bath of light and love. The clip show starts with Danielle discussing forgiveness with her priest. We see Teresa make a face, because the last time she talked to a priest it was praying for the Lord God Almighty to save her beloved home from foreclosure. Also, Easter. Also also, confessing to her plan to murder a certain Joe Giudice.
In the clips we see a lot of Danielle and Jailbird Danny's beautifully feathered hair. We also see Kim G. pretending she is totally down with hanging out with parolees from Danielle's past criminal enterprises. Also, Danielle's ass crack. Also also, the diner where Danielle lives. Andy asks about Danielle's relationship with Danny and Jacqueline starts making her trademark snide passive aggressive comments about how Danny WAS married and now he's not. Danielle confirms that Danny filed for divorce. Just guessing that his wife was a-okay with that. I mean, who wants to fight over hair products with her husband? Danielle explains that she hung out with Danny during taping and that was it. Like I said, I'm pretty sure he's suing her. Or she's suing him. Either way, they aren't exactly fornicating or getting Panini.
Andy asks Danielle about her reclaimed virginity and her potential muff muncher status. Danielle agrees that she reclaimed her virginity, for awhile, but then plays very coy about her relationship with "lesbian superstar" Lori Michaels, but despite Andy's best efforts, won't flat out say she's gone gay. Except she totally does. Jacqueline finds it all very entertaining. Danielle confirms that there are two sex tapes starring her. One is available for purchase online right now! Help pay Danielle's legal bills! Because she is defending a defamation suit regarding the other tape filmed by stand up guy, Steve, Teresa's friend. Jacqueline confesses that she totally watched Danielle's sex tape, which is ...weird. Right? Like would you watch a sex tape with someone you knew? I wouldn't.
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Teresa starts asking all sorts of questions about Danielle's hair in the video, because that is what everyone looks at in a sex tape, and then harping on the fact that she read somewhere that Danielle made the video recently. After Danielle reiterates several times that it was years ago, but Teresa is still talking because she needs some attention now please, Danielle gets snappish. So Teresa calls her bitch a few times, but you can tell her heart's not really in it anymore. Then Andy asks what Danielle's daughters think of the sex tape. Oh come on, Andy, even Danielle wouldn't let her daughters watch her sex tape! Danielle takes it one step further and claims her daughters never watch the show except for one or two episodes they star in. Um that seems extremely unlikely. Caroline decides to take up this particular argument and beat it into the ground until Danielle calls uncle. Andy keeps harping on how hurtful this must be for Danielle's daughters, but Danielle won't really admit it, which is kind of sad because there is no doubt those girls need help.
Since we know there is a Part Two, and this is Bravo, we know that they are going to tease us with some incredibly awesome fighty drama and then cut us off, so BRACE YOURSELF. We head straight to The Brownstone. Danielle and Kim G. make their entrance at the poor little baby's benefit and start making a ruckus about their lack of adequate seating. Andy says that the father of the little girl was upset because Danielle didn't actually give any money to the charity. Danielle tries to explain that it was all a big mix up, but Caroline just starts blurting LIE! LIE! LIE! and calls Danielle out for her complete bullshit. But ...then they pull the plug. Come back time when Danielle and Caroline THROW DOWN. Also, Kim G. So much excitement! How will you sleep all week?
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is seriously considering moving further away from New Jersey. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Watch a preview of second part of the RHONJ reunion here:
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