Previously... well, actually, I'll let Angel Cohn sum that up for us, because when I volunteered to fill in for LuluBates, I told her I've missed the past couple episodes. Her response? "You probably haven't missed all that much... Danielle starts fights and is basically Dina Lohan." See how much shorter these recaps (not to mention the episodes) could be if they just cut to the chase? Unfortunately for all of us, though, there's a little more to it than that, so here we go.
Teresa and Joe are planning Audriana's christening party, with the help of Caroline's son, Christopher. Teresa wants ice sculptures and a "mini-wedding," but Joe's stressed about money. Because he just spent his entire year's worth of party costs on a ring for Teresa. Caroline explains that Christopher wants to show his dad he can handle a big, crazy party like this, but it will be a challenge. It's also a challenge for Teresa, who's bitter that Dina (Audriana's godmother) can't be on the show to help her plan this in front of the cameras. Which is odd, because you'd think she'd be happy to finally get to do something without cameras in her face.
Danielle takes her Christine to her first ob/gyn appointment. In the waiting room, she grills her about boys, but Christine takes the fifth and just says, "Stop. Stop. Mom." Danielle begs her to tell her she's a goody two-shoes, but Christine just wants her to "stop creeping." The receptionist seems to think Danielle's creeping, too, so they call them in to talk to the doctor. He's Danielle's doctor, too, and they actually greet with a kiss, which is gross. I would like to put it on the record that I have never kissed my ob/gyn. While the doctor makes everyone feel awkward by talking about sex and genital warts, Danielle interjects to say "Just don't have sex. Ever. Now that I think about it, it's gross." And, also, oral sex counts. Christine taps her mom, all, "You're the slut here." But Danielle just begs her not to have sex. What a realistic expectation for her to have.
Christopher's hanging out with his friend, John, who happens to be Kim G.'s son. Kim G. brings popcorn down to butter him up and then talks about how much she wants his mother to like her. Christopher doesn't think that's really going to happen. But mostly he just doesn't care and wants her to go away and let him play with his friend. So he offers for the four of them to have lunch together, an idea John clearly doesn't like. Christopher explains later that Kim G. thinks she's an ambassador. But what he meant to say was "busybody."
Teresa gets her herd of daughters ready for Audriana's christening, which she says is going to be "all the way Italian." Whatever that means. Joe's shirtless, snacking on the party food in the kitchen. She says he's grumpy because he's been working long hours at the pizzeria. I don't know how a pizza man bought that yellow diamond last week, but it's not like I'm saying he's got a side business or anything. Teresa forces him to take photos that he hates, and then they bicker as Dina shows up at the party. She's not here for ratings or anything, but just because of the spiritual guidance she will provide to Audriana as her godmother. Dina brought tiny Gucci shoes as a gift for Audriana. Everyone screams about it, and Joe wants to kill himself. (I agree.)
Dina's role as the godmother is to dress the baby from head to toe. Dina loves handling an innocent little baby, because it reminds her of when she was last innocent, in the womb. More photo ops, and then they head to the christening. On the way, Joe tells Teresa he hates when she throws parties and she's not throwing another. He wants her to shop at the $5 shoe place they're driving past. Teresa misses the days when she had her own checkbook, and he didn't know what they spent.
Danielle shows up to Kim G.'s, narrating about how close they are and what a special relationship they have. They hug and kiss and bond over how they're both skinny bitches and can share belts. Danielle likes that Kim G.'s so well-respected in the community. She's hoping she can help her with some stuff -- not that she's using her or anything. She's like, totally, her best friend. Danielle tells Kim G. that her adoptive mom tried but was never there, so she really wants to find her biological mom to make a new beginning. They both cry, and Kim G. tells her to put it to rest and find her. Danielle says, "I just want to smell her. I want to smell my mom." Uh, what? Kim G. does exactly what Danielle hoped and offers her someone who can help. They hug and say they love each other, and Danielle asks Kim G. to be her girlfriend.
Audriana's christened by a priest with a blurred-out face (or he's the only one in the scene who hasn't had plastic surgery; it's hard to tell with this show). Then it's party time. Teresa saved money, I guess, by hiring women to be tables instead of waitresses. I don't know, actually, how having a woman stand in the middle of each table saved any money. But Teresa's happy with the party and thinks that Christopher did an amazing job and should take over his dad's job. Caroline is unsurprisingly proud of her son. Teresa's so happy to have Dina back with her, Caroline and Jacqueline. It feels like old times. Teresa has a first dance with Joe and Audriana, which she's done with all of her daughters. Caroline's never seen anything like this before, but says it makes her cry because it's so touching. Jacqueline starts sobbing, too, about how quick babies grow. Hers, for example, is all grown-up and getting arrested for assault and harassment. Dina makes a tearful toast, then everyone gets drunk and dances and parties all night. Just like Jesus did. Joe tells Teresa this was all wonderful and worth it and everything, but he's leaving before he sees the bill.
Danielle and her girls meet for dinner at a diner, and talk about Danielle's Sweet 16. Then Christine fills her mom in that one of her friends heard from her waxing lady, who heard from Teresa, that Danielle's searching for her biological mother. Danielle's upset, because she hadn't even told her daughters about this and was going to share it with them soon. So now she knows that Kim G. isn't who she thought she was. Danielle's upset that Kim G. would share that with someone like Teresa, and she has to leave to make a call before she says something in front of the girls that it wouldn't be fair for them to hear. She goes outside and calls Danny. He's not shocked, since Kim G.'s neighbors with those people. He didn't trust her from the beginning. Danielle thinks even the most evil people would think this is crossing a line. And she would know, because she's pretty evil. They decide to hatch a plan of attack later.
Back at the christening, everyone continues to talk about how great a party it is. All right, already. Let's get over it and move on to some catfights, could we? But this was just that miniature Bravo segment. Now, Caroline shows up to check on Christopher, at a now-empty Brownstone. He says it's his one-year anniversary working here. Then he moves on to inviting Caroline to the lunch with Kim G., him and John. Caroline thinks it's a muddy, ugly situation and she's going to stay clear of that. Christopher wants them to get along, so he and his boyfriend can move in together and get married without their moms hating each other. Or, you know, something like that. Caroline lets him down nicely and tells him not to think about that stuff, but to focus on his first-year anniversary. She calls him "Chri-topher," by the way, and he calls her "Mama." It's very skeevy.
Kim G. shows up at Jacqueline's and barges in to tell her she is desperate to talk, because she hates Danielle's fucking guts. Jacqueline invites her in with a little kick in the butt. Which seems a little informal for such a raging situation. Jacqueline's holding the baby and wishes Kim G. would perhaps cool it with the f-word, and she's still mad at her for going to court with Danielle. BUT she's Jacqueline, and has no backbone, so she lets her stay and bitch. Especially when Kim G. apologizes and tells her she's been right all along. Kim G. says that Danielle e-mailed someone and told them not to be Kim G.'s friend, even though Kim G. does everything for her. Jacqueline says she thinks Kim G.'s a pleaser, but it makes her seem two-faced and makes it hard for Jacqueline to trust her, too. Kim G. talks more shit, and Jacqueline says she knows, which is why she told Danielle that and stopped being friends. Jacqueline also suggests the very reasonable possibility that Danielle found out Kim G.'s been hanging out with Danielle's enemies and sharing her life stories with them. Kim G. says she's done with Danielle, except to tell her off. Oh, Kim G. The show will just find someone to replace you in the role of the pivotal go-between.
Danielle has Danny over, where they can bitch some more about Kim G. blabbing her business. Danielle's upset that her kids found out, basically, through Teresa. I cannot believe I'm saying this, but the woman has a point. Danielle can't believe Kim G. would do this after she was there when they had the big country club fight. She can't say she trusted Kim G., but she wanted to. She suspects Kim G. just used Danielle to get in good with the other women, by feeding them information and then backstabbing. Danielle and Danny head out to meet Kim G. at Portobello, so Danielle can tell her what a two-faced bitch she is.
When they arrive, Danny reminds Danielle not to throw any punches, and Danielle laughs, "No way. That's not me. That's why I brought you." Oh, right. Danielle's a lover, not a fighter, now? Danielle shows up and lies to Kim G. that Christine was very upset when she asked her if she was looking for her biological mom (when, in reality, as we all just saw, Christine was like, "She said something about your biological mom or something. I don't know," in between mouthfuls of diner fries). And she says that Christine told her she heard it from Teresa. Danielle says she knows Kim G.'s speaking with them, and Kim G. admits, "Absolutely." Danielle says that she now knows who she's been dealing with, at least. Kim G. says she can be friends with them, too, then we get some flashes back to Danielle talking shit about them all. Kim G. says she can be friends with both, and Danielle says she doesn't have to act to her like she's not friends with them, though. Which, again, shockingly good point.
People are starting to gawk at the screaming plastic-surgery-gone-bad poster children as Kim G. raises the volume and tells Danielle she's sick of her telling her what to do. She says she's been a good friend and given her a lot. Danielle disagrees. Kim G. tells Danielle she's a sneak and a liar, and throws her napkin at a her. Danielle calmly asks her not to throw things at her, and equally as calmly gets up to leave. Kim G. follows Danielle out to the parking lot, screaming and screeching, telling Danielle she's jealous, and that Danielle has no friends and has fake and square tits. Well, okay, she got at least a couple of her facts straight. Danielle says Kim G.'s a sadistic, twisted bitch. She also got her facts straight. And... it's over.
week (how is there still more to this season?): Danny tells a gleeful Danielle that Joe got arrested. He hit four trees -- driving drunk or something? -- so they all go to Venice to celebrate.
Watch the episode below, discuss this episode in our forums, then check out last season's most ridiculous moments.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, questions her judgment when she agrees with Danielle more than once in an episode. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.