Welcome back to the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the show that never ends. Never. Ever. Ends. Kill Me! I am seriously considering back-masking this recap with cries for help and pleas to the network to make it all stop. I mean for the love of all that is decent and holy (mostly doughnuts): These women all are either related or hate each other. If I wanted to watch this I would go to my family reunions! And I don't!
Once again we start off the proceedings at Teresa's house. Teresa's house where irony reigns supreme. You see, it is family game night and what better game to play when your real estate investments are crumbling and your shore house is in foreclosure and your marble mausoleum at the Wayne Cemetery has been revoked and your clinging to your shoe collection with your Lee Press-On Nails and you fist fought a woman for even hinting that your house was in foreclosure, too, what better game to play than Monopoly? Oh Teresa, I had no idea you were so fucking funny. Or clueless. Or had such a well-developed sense of the absurd.
Anyway, the Giudices are playing the scene completely straight-faced and not laughing at the irony at all and are instead talking about their impending 10-year anniversary as if nothing hilarious was happening at all. This is some serious Andy Kaufman booger-on-the-face shit this is. Adding to the ludicrous proceedings, Teresa is demanding that Joe buy her a million-dollar diamond ring to mark the occasion. Economy be damned! Bankruptcy, pshaw! Baby wants diamonds! This is so absurd it is practically high art. Really, Beckett would be proud.
Over at Danielle's house, her "friend" Cynthia stops by. I put "friend" in quotes because who greets their friend with a "Hi, hello, how are you?" Not many people as such is usually reserved for recent acquaintances and paid witnesses, or, in Cynthia's case, a hired party planner. Danielle's daughter Christine is almost awesome. She wants to donate all the money she makes at her Sweet Sixteen party to a charity. She doesn't need the money and would rather give it to someone who does. Now that the obligatory college application padding is out of the way, she wants to invite over 300 close personal friends, her dad, and not her little sister. Too bad they are already on Bravo, because otherwise MTV would be all over this shit.
Jacqueline heads to shaving enthusiast Caroline's house to talk about the only subject the two are seemingly capable of talking about: Danielle. It's hard to tell whether Danielle is truly the only topic of conversation between the sisters-in-law or whether Bravo is so intent on making Danielle happen that they edit out everything else so all we ever see is Jacqueline and Caroline talking about Danielle. I am pretty sure it is the latter, but come on, Bravo. If these two women are so boring that you have to spoon feed them topics of conversation, why did you cast them in the first place? That said, Jacqueline Laurita's Twitter feed (oh shut up, I do it for you!) is full of nothing but Danielle hate and the occasional spurt of puppy love. At this point I would prefer hearing about the Manzo family gun collection or Lauren and Vito's love affair or more about Caroline's beauty rituals to any more about Danielle vs. The Manzos. Okay, truthfully, I would prefer watching my dog lick his foot for an hour, but someone has to watch this show.
Jacqueline tells Caroline that she confronted Kim G. about her decision to go to court with Danielle as a witness against Ashley. That is the most complicated sentence I have ever written. Kim G. swears she just did it as a favor to Danielle, but this does not mean that she and Jacqueline can't be friends, right? Right? For some reason, Jacqueline agrees that she and Kim G. can still be friends. This, even though Kim G. may help land Ashley in the clink. Or maybe in a bright orange jumpsuit picking up trash on the side of the Turnpike. That could really affect her future in fashion merchandising. Although, it would probably give her cred if she opts for music management.
Caroline, who has stepped away from the Danielle fray to focus on her new role as the Yoda of the Manzo family, offers Jacqueline some advice: Stay away from Danielle. Also, Kim G. Jacqueline is so stressed out over her fake friend Kim G. helping put her baby girl in jail that she is eating a week's worth of Weight Watchers points in one Pop Tart. Then Caroline and Jacqueline try and figure out why Danielle would press charges against Ashley. I have no comment, because it is all stupid. Danielle is well within her rights to charge Ashley, but Danielle is also bat shit crazy, so there you go.
Jacqueline and Chris are spending date night at Giudice Manor. While the men sip their vino out of reasonably-sized glasses, the ladies have opted for full-sized super big gulp wine glasses so they can chug their cabernets in style. The glasses are so large they probably had to empty TWO boxes of wine in order to fill them. The ladies send their menfolk downstairs to talk so they can talk about their new Ed Hardy vajazzlings. Also, obviously, diamonds. Always diamonds. You see, Teresa wants diamonds for her 10th anniversary. They would have been married 15 years, but it's only been legal to marry a slab of mortadella in New Jersey for ten years. They were the first ones at the courthouse! Jacqueline wonders if Teresa would settle for the crown jewels, but Teresa scoffs that she's not Arabic. Jacqueline starts cracking up at how much brain damage her friend has. Hey, Jacqueline, it's not funny! Huffing Axe Body Spray for ten years can take a toll on a lady! Teresa doesn't get why her completely misdirected racism is so funny. What? Are the crown jewels Indian? Should she have done her Apu impersonation instead? What? What?
Downstairs, things are slightly more serious. Joe is crying to Chris that he can't afford diamonds any more and begs him for a loan to buy his wife a cubic zirconium that he can stick in a Zales box. Chris pats him on the back and then takes a little nibble. What, he's hungry! And mortadella is delicious.
Over at the elder Manzos, while his law school career is on his hold, Albie has made the wise decision to join the police academy. Because working in a law firm as, say, a paralegal, is beneath him. According to Albie, the only downside to this situation is the haircut. He had to cut his hair from its normal half-inch to a quarter-inch. Everyone is sad. Caroline saved the hair for her scrapbook, natch. Albie explains that Police Academy is just like law school only slower and easier to understand. Also, guns and discipline. Then Caroline starts salivating at the thought of how hot Albie will be in uniform. Awkward!
Danielle is similarly salivating over her daughters. They are so accomplished what with their proto-modeling and singing careers. She pats herself on the back for doing something right, but I think we can skip that and instead just start contributing to the girls' therapy fund. Danielle is forcing Jillian to sing on stage at Christine's Sweet Sixteen, but just because Danielle knows that Jillian will be great and needs to do it. NOW. Jillian starts crying, but Danielle brushes it off as an artistic temperament. Now sing dammit!!
It is finally the day of Joe and Teresa's anniversary. After some struggles and a tag team effort to shove Joe's meaty arms into his shirt, they are off with a bottle of champagne tucked firmly under Joe's arm. Teresa is surprised that Joe got them a car service! She is so used to sitting shotgun and chugging champers while Joe drives. Joe refuses to kiss her because of all her lipstick, but she demands it and then insists he is a poet. I would pay SO MUCH to hear Joe's poetry. Joe has hired a helicopter because he wussed out on a helicopter ride during their honeymoon. Ten years later he has discovered Xanax and champagne.
They land the helicopter and head to a hotel where it takes Teresa just a minute to realize that the rose petals sprinkled on the bed are the Chinese ideogram for love and happiness. I lie. She's an idiot. Joe surprises her with a yellow diamond ring resting atop her chocolate cake. Then she straddles him on the bed (I wish I was lying) and explains that she was so surprised that he got her a diamond because, you know, the economy, but then again she did threaten him with no "hanky panky" for a month if he didn't buy her a diamond. So now we all know that the cost of renting Teresa's vajayjay for a month is one yellow diamond. Start saving now, kids!
Albie's hair is a source of mystery. It's long again! It has regained its lustrous quarter inch over night! Yet he claims he is still in the police academy. Then he proves he is still in the academy because he starts ordering his brother and sister around, insisting they spread 'em, forces them to compete against each other in physical competitions, and when they resist he throws them against the wall and punches them in the kidneys. Family fun!
Today is Christine's Sweet Sixteen party! Also, Jillian's musical debut. Two two TWO events in one! Before they can leave for the event, Danielle has to check the multiple wardrobe changes. Danielle doesn't want to stress out her 11-year old or anything, but this is the start of Jillian's impending Bieber-esque rise to musical stardom and she better stop crying. Now! Danielle doesn't want to make anyone uncomfortable or do anything to steal the spotlight from Christine's Big Day, but since their father is coming to the party with his new wife, Danielle thinks today would be a great day to start wearing her engagement ring again. That's not weird is it? Good. * Smashing head into keyboard repeatedly. *
News Flash: Jillian is not Suri Cruise. This does not stop Danielle from fervently wishing that she was Suri Cruise. She forces Jillian to get her hair done and then reminds her over and over that this is a really big night for her. Obviously this does not sit will with Christine because it is HER Sweet Sixteen party and does she have to get all Bridezilla on this place to remind everyone of that? This is HER day! Hers!
You know whose day it also is? Ashley's. It is Ashley's day to go pick up the summons from the post office. Jacqueline drives her and because she is still being P for Punished, forces her to sit in the back seat. Ashley regrets pulling Danielle's hair, but really, really enjoyed it, too, so win-win! Ashley cracks up laughing while reading the complaint against her, which does nothing to soothe Jacqueline's nerves. But that's what you get for dropping your daughter on her head repeatedly! Ashley's disembodied voice then explains that she plead guilty to simple assault because the hair pulling was caught on camera and she really has no defense, but don't worry, she doesn't feel bad about it. Ashley swears she is going to countersue Danielle for something, but Jacqueline just rolls her eyes because unless Ashley's music management career is about to take off, she can't hire a lawyer. I can't wait to have a teenager!
Over at Danielle's ...oops, I mean, Christine's party, there is a lot of fake hugging going on and a fake red carpet and some fake drama about Danielle wearing her engagement ring. Kim G. is there, of course, because Kim G. is really trying to make Kim G. happen. And why wouldn't Christine want her embarrassing mother's embarrassing friends at her party? Maybe they can start dancing and get drunk and make out with the DJ? Danielle's ex husband shows up with his new wife and it is instantly clear that Danielle married him for the money. It appears that Tom got confused and married his trophy wife first and then rectified the situation with his second wife, who I am sure is a lovely person on the inside.
There's all kinds of awkward as Danielle hugs Tom a few times too many and then lingers like she's trying to touch his man bits and remind him what he's missing. Also, she's lonely and sad and just can't help rubbing against any man meat that's available. Christine is introduced to the party on the shoulders of a body builder and then it is Jillian's big opportunity to sing! Danielle introduces her and Christine threatens the audience and Jillian sings and doesn't wuss out and puke like Christine did during her modeling debut. Jillian may have a career as a songwriter, but her voice. Oh her voice. Danielle is apparently as tone deaf as her daughter because she thinks Jillian did great and after repeatedly seeking approval from her ex, shows off her yoga moves and pats herself on the back.
Ashley's problems and rampant stupidity are driving Jacqueline and Chris to drink. Chris begs Ashley to make believe that Danielle is gone and no longer exists. Yes, that includes not suing Danielle. Ashley pouts. Danielle is pitting mother and daughter against each other and is tearing the Laurita family apart. It's time for some tough love. No Range Rover for you!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates wishes it was legal to marry meat in New York. Yet. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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