Welcome back! I know you've been on the edge of your seat for an entire week waiting to find out what will happen between Danielle and Dina at their little tete-a-tit. And after that long on the edge of your seat, your ass probably fell asleep and you probably want to get up and walk or use the bathroom or something, but: YOU CAN'T. Because you might miss something! This dramatic denouement can only get less boring than it was last week and you wouldn't want to miss any potential shushing, would you? There might be shushing! Also, perhaps, huffing, eye rolling, hair flipping, escalating voices, and maybe someone will storm out or knock over a decorative throw pillow. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. You wouldn't want to miss THAT would you? Of course not. So sit back, hold it a little while longer and I will be sure to note on runpee.com when you can make a break for it.
But not now! Because things at Chakra -- a wine bar seemingly created with the aspirational design of being a set for the Real Housewives of New Jersey, what with the candles, velvet pillows, ultra-suede sectional, and linen-ish curtains -- are heating up. Dina has just reminded Danielle that this meeting is all about her, Dina, and Danielle isn't allowed to say anything. Danielle and I both agree that if you call someone to a meeting and you aren't say Uri Geller, you have to expect a two-way conversation. This rule does not apply to Uri Geller because obviously you will be silenced in awe as he bends the cutlery with his mind (and his fingers, but mostly his mind). Then Dina shushed Danielle (can you imagine!) and Danielle does not abide being shushed. Dina then admits that she is not a Buddha, so stop praying at her feet and burning joss paper around her, okay? It's messing up her highlights. Danielle dares to bring up the past, but Dina is about The Present and won't listen to Danielle's complaints. Dammit, Danielle! This is about Dina! Quit talking! I really don't understand Dina's thought process here. Does she truly believe that Danielle should just sit there in silence while Dina berates her and tells her she wants nothing to do with her? And does Dina really think that Danielle will then let her get up and leave with dignity? Does she think Danielle owes her that? I love rich lady entitlement as much as the aspiring entitled rich lady, but this is REALITY TELEVISION, Dina! There is no way anyone walks out with dignity.
As Danielle gets riled up, Dina picks up her bedazzled Louis Vuitton bag to go call her therapist and hug a healing crystal, but Danielle has some Words. Then Dina calls Danielle Crazy and that is a big old no-no and Danielle makes Crazy Eyes at her and threateningly demands that Dina never ever call her crazy again. Jesus, Danielle, why don't you just wish for a Gucci pony and some round tits while you're at it? Dina recommends that Danielle never "mistake her kindness for weakness" and walks out as Danielle hollers after her that she isn't exactly brimming with kindness. Out in the parking lot, Dina blames Danielle's defensiveness not on getting invited out to be yelled at by a former friend, but on being almost 50. As opposed to Dina who is 25.
Obviously Danielle can't handle all these Feelings and calls her back-up friends who she has stationed in the parking lot to key Dina's Maserati if things get out of control. Jailbird Danny and his near mullet come give Danielle a big hug and his mute friend John walks around just clashing with the wine bar's décor. Danielle seems most offended that Dina only wanted to talk about Dina and wouldn't let her talk about Danielle. It is a narcissist's worst nightmare. Danny gives her a consoling pat on the knee. A vocal minority of me wants to know more about Danielle's and Danny's relationship, but luckily my mind is majority rule.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Teresa are taking their burgeoning broods to a farm to learn some values about pig balls. As this is suburban as opposed to rural New Jersey, the farm is actually in a parking lot, but the pigs still have really big balls that the Manzos stare at for an inordinately long time. Caroline has come along for the ride along with Albie and Chris who are there to learn about where their ham comes from. Chris debates chucking a hog at his mom, but Albie shakes his head no. Despite last week's promise that the Manzos would never again mention Danielle, they spend the whole time on their family outing making porcine references to Danielle. Those are some excellent values you are instilling in your kids!
Jacqueline stops by Caroline's for pie and gossip. Dina is on her way over and they expect the full dirty truth about Dina's meeting with Danielle. Dina explains to her supportive family that she just wanted to talk calmly to Danielle about HER and Danielle wouldn't stand for it. Okay. I realize that the Danielle vs. Manzo drama is the ONLY thing this show has going for it now that Teresa's spending has gone from gloriously revolting to sad, but really? Do these women have nothing better to talk about than Danielle? It merely justifies all her paranoia! I realize these fatuous frivolous housewives probably have nothing better to do, but THEY MUST HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO. Caroline wants to gloat that she told her so, but she won't do that to her baby sister. Dina then claims that Danielle blew her chance to be yelled at with dignity. Gosh, what a missed opportunity.
The real opportunity is when Danielle gathers a crowd of lucky ladies at a strip mall Italian joint for salad and Manzo bashing. Whee? Danielle wants to tell her friends the truth about her meeting with Dina. Danielle then does a play-by-play pantomime of her meeting and...well, it was pretty spot on with the eyebrows and dramatic hand gestures and Punch and Judy worthy acting. The ladies all cackle at the appropriate times and Danielle eats up their non-caloric attention. Then she makes the big reveal that after Dina was DONE with Danielle, she then sent her a 2,000 word email explaining in further detail about why she was done with her. Aw, they can be pen pals! We are then treated to a Dina and Danielle read-along of Dina's closure email, in which Dina does not once explain why she felt the need to TELL Danielle IN PERSON why she didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I mean, damn woman, just delete her from your phone book and be done with it. Danielle's audience thinks Danielle's pithy response of, "LOL. Whatever." is absolutely hysterical. They cackle, they giggle, they snort. If I am 50 and acting 12, please send me to my room without supper and take away my cell phone for a month.
Kim G., Danielle's supposed BFF, is consorting with the enemy. She shows up at Jacqueline's house to pretend that she's not BFF with Danielle. Jacqueline is willing to give Kim G. a chance, but all she really wants to do is talk about Danielle. Jacqueline explains that Danielle was actually calling and texting Dina all the time, which explains a LOT about why Dina might sit down to tell Danielle to get out of her life. Which makes me think Dina is not nearly as crazy and entitled as I thought before. Kim G. thinks this is interesting and she and Jacqueline spend their valuable free time analyzing Old Square Tit's behavior. Whilst discussing the Great Ashley vs. Danielle Battle of '09, Kim G. flat out lies to Jacqueline and pretends that she told Danielle to drop it with Ashley. Luckily the truth-telling editors cut to the tape of Kim G. telling Danielle to go to the police. Kim G.! Do not lie while the cameras are rolling! They will call you out! You know, seven months later when the episode airs. Jacqueline reminds us that Danielle accused Ashley of having flabby upper arms and we all know that in suburban New Jersey THAT is as good as a death threat. Worse probably, because you wouldn't be dead and could still hear the derisive laughter.
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Chris and Albie head to the pork store JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT this show was in New Jersey and these people were walking stereotypes. The mens are buying provisions for their weekly poker game where in they eat meat, gamble, and make threats against Ashley's boyfriend for daring to exist. They hatch a scheme to initiate Derek into the group. Apparently the hazing process involves punching, hog-tying, and ham slapping. Okay, who is jealous of Derek?!
Danielle invites us all over to her dog collecting friend Sue's house. Every crazy rich suburb has to have at least one dog collector. Sue has an enormous Great Dane and a tiny Papillion and Danielle somehow manages to draw comparisons between them and her dating life. This stupefying analogy (of which I am sure Borges would be proud) does not stun the ladies, but the fact that Danielle wants to date but is WEARING SLEEVES drives them to hysterics. How you ever going to catch a man with your arms covered? SLEEVES? SLEEVES!?? What is she, a puritan? Might as well just wear a barrel with two straps and hit the nightclub circuit.
Danielle dutifully removes her cardigan before lamenting that she hasn't dated since Teresa and Joe fake set her up with a fake friend who was a real famewhore. Cut to Teresa reminding us that her friend would show up at Danielle's house for his weekly blowjob. Gosh, thanks for the reminder! Danielle explains that this winner also filmed their encounters and had hidden cameras in the boudoir. Then he tried to sell the sex tape, but Danielle's lawyer put the kibosh on it. The existence of a sex tape does not seem particularly troubling to Danielle. In fact it pales in comparison to the point that Teresa was the one who set her up with the perpetrator. I mean, doesn't Teresa think she deserves better than that? Sorry to be the one to break this to you Danielle, but, no, no she does not. After that fiasco, Danielle started wearing sleeves and sackcloth and hasn't dated since. Danielle's friend who is *shudder* wearing a coat, which I guess means she is a lesbian, suggests that Danielle show more skin if she wants to catch a man.
Speaking of the sex tape, the guy who made it and then tried to sell it has been invited to Chris and Jacqueline's house for the poker game. Jacqueline thinks Skeevy Steve is, well... skeevy and she wants to have a talk with Chris about his choice in friends. Because... yeah, Chris: CHOICES. Teresa strangely has very little to say about this except to say that Skeevy Steve is 26 (but looks like he's 50) and that is just what guys do! Oh for the love of...Teresa! Is that what you are teaching your daughters? That guys just have some biological imperative to record sex with D-list celebrities and try and sell it to the highest bidder? Gia is going to be a big hit in college. Ugh. Jacqueline decides she needs to talk to STEVE about this Right Now because this show has no other drama going on so they need to make something up. Jacqueline and Teresa pull Steve aside so Jacqueline can tell him he is gross. But Steve has his own (equally gross) version of the story: Danielle sent him videos of herself doing things that would make the Baby Jesus cry. All he wanted to do was make a little money off of it. Teresa and Jacqueline make poopy diaper face and send Steve back to the man cave. No one wanted to know any of that. Yeesh.
So what is Role Model Danielle doing? Lingerie shopping with an audience, of course. And pretending she is shy while flashing her ass on national television.
Derek is late to the poker game, which is unacceptable. Jacqueline, who is spying on the proceedings via a video baby monitor, apologizes to Derek in advance and then makes Ashley escort him in with a peace offering of sacrificial rice balls. Ashley quickly flees from the room and the men start in on torturing Derek. First by making him drink some nearly toxic fake wine BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY. Then the women invade the game and bring their female troubles into the man cave. Jacqueline ends up chucking Ashley out of the house for being rude and Derek is practically comatose from alcohol poisoning and can't go after her. The men all congratulate him on his cojones and welcome him to the club. By the way, why wasn't Chris invited to the poker game? Everybody hates Chris!
Just to make sure we all know that Danielle has gone to a dark place of feeling unsexy, she reminds us a few dozen times. The unsexy situation has gotten so dire that Jailbird Danny has decided to take matters into his own hands. He brings his "good friend" Danielle to a strip club to sex her up a bit. Danielle in turn brings along Kim G. in frightening short hot pants and over-the-knee black boots for some light athletics. Nothing gets a girl out of a dating slump like physical exercise! After some instructions from the resident strippers who assure us all that stripping is excellent cardio, Kim G. hops up on the pole and America gets to see her ass crack. Then Danielle gets all concerned that the nation might get a Kim G. hard on and decides to show us her butt crack too and then does a full on strip tease. Thankfully minus the stripping. She explains that she was once a dancer, but it was more burlesque than strip. Sure, Danielle, we all believe you. As Danielle grinds the pole, my eyes want to cry. You can't ever un-see Danielle doing a strip tease in short shorts for Jailbird Danny and his friends. EVER!! I need to go drink heavily and cry and think about my life choices.
Dina is wandering around her house talking to her little animal friends. Grandma Wrinkles is hiding from Dina because Dina is once again talking about Danielle. Dina explains that her life is all unicorns and rainbows and happy woodland animals except for one thing: Danielle. Dina has realized that if she wants to be on this show, she will be contractually obligated to interact with Danielle. Which is a lot to ask of someone. I mean, would you hang out with Danielle for $3,000 a month in tanning and silicone money? Well, maybe. But since Dina can't simultaneously ignore Danielle and live up to her contractual obligations, she has no choice but to quit the show. Her cats fully support her decision. So Dina floats off on wings of a dove to tiptoe through the tulips and roll around in kittens. I has jealousy.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is giving her mind a Silkwood shower and you can't stop her. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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