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Carrying on the same night as last week's trip into the past, Luke and Olivia find their mother in the kitchen with Collins in the middle of the night. All set to freak out about that, they find the ante upped considerably morning when a gardener digs up a knife in their yard and takes Mom in for questioning. Luke goes ape on them, and gets carted off too -- meeting a crazy man in jail who threatens his life and eyes in a momentary possession.
Remy spends the night drawing everything she can remember from her 1917 flashback -- including that very knife -- but when she wakes up, the entire house is covered in more and more insane scribblings about the Curse and whatever. When her dad springs Luke out of the clink, they pass out in the living room: And wake up to a terrifying scene, as sleepwalking Remy tries to stab Luke's eyes to death and ends up slicing up her dad instead. So it's off to the sleep clinic with her! (Although Olivia's and Beatrice's stories this week are contenders, I have to award Remy's dream stuff the inaugural Women Running From Houses Award for being the most Goth As Fuck. It's brilliant.)
Olivia gets very OCD after the police ransack her house, cleaning up a storm and eventually getting so thrown by an unnerving meeting with the ever-conciliatory Collins that she runs for the Vault and coffee with Tess. That night, she's accosted by that kid Springer (the old groundskeeper, Tess's ex, and the guy who slurpee'd her at that parade) who tries to explain several interesting things, such as: Dillon's demonic or otherwise compromised lifestyle, Mayor Matheson's dangerous provocations about the Curse, something he did to Springer's dad, and that Springer is the one who buried the knife (or possibly killed him?). Olivia is in no mood, and runs out into the street just long enough to get Springer run over by Tess, and therefore silenced for now.
Caleb's father shows up, having inherited a house in Ravenswood from old dead chess-playing Henry Rivers, and after some Hanna-related chats Caleb goes nuclear on him so he'll leave and be safe from the Curse. After a talk with Miranda about being dead and family stuff, he decides to help his father flip the house so they can at least be together for a little while -- and also to get him out of town faster. It's pretty sweet.
Running off that same conversation, Miranda puts together the identity of the Heat Miser that follows The Grunwald around: It's her sister Beatrice, who died in 1947 as part of the Curse, and is the most intense and wonderful person I have ever run across in my lifetime -- besides The Grunwald, of course -- and whom more digging reveals is actually her Teen Mom, not her older sister at all. Which explains why Beatrice is okay being trapped in a hair-jar and hanging out with The Grunwald all day. Miranda pushes hard enough for answers about the Curse that eventually Bea presents her with her own new hair-jar, ordering her to fuck off and leave the grounds and the rest of the Dead Teens Society: Seems whatever the Five are doing to break this Curse could end up with everything way worse for everybody.
Serious question: Do you think Uncle Dracula is actually the father of the Matheson Twins? Not once has that occurred to me until tonight and now I'm like obsessed with it. Not least because my dumb brain is like, "So wouldn't that make Miranda their second cousin or their grandfather or something?" (I am not good at that math at all, unless the people are British aristocracy and the fate of the estate is in question and then I am a whiz at it. So pretend this is Downton Abbey, it would make them... Cousins. Done. That was easy.)
Week: Remy gets up to all kinds of Dream Warriors shit in her sleep clinic, but luckily with the aid of a recently freed Miranda Collins, I think. Olivia investigates the vague screamings of Springer and turns up some new clues, hopefully involving Dillon's adventures with The Grindr. And speaking of people we haven't seen in a while, Caleb goes to that teacher Ben Price for some Ravenswood history, which mostly likely will be rich with horrors but ultimately won't tell us anything we didn't already know, i.e., after the Big Flood there was a Curse and some Wars and this one time a slavering Preacherman exploded into ravens and nobody even thought it was that big a deal because exploding into ravens was just the custom in those days. Either way, can't wait.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Five Teens. War Curse. Hair Jar. Heat Miser Glowing Ghost Guardian. Sleepwalker Time Travel. A Preacher Guy Exploding into Ravens. What else? Mean Drunk Teen Groundskeeper Springer, who hates the Matheson Twins and dated Tess for a while, got fired and that's how come Caleb randomly has a home and a job and a Jeep. Uncle Collins is possibly putting it to the Twins' mom, Emmett Cullen-style, and the whole town thinks she killed her husband except her kids, who think Collins did it. Olivia's boyfriend Dillon has great hair, an adorable and freaky demonic sidekick, and owes his allegiance to, I believe, the Preacher mentioned above.
to the whole show, Caleb was an orphan, but one of those special kind where he had a mom and dad. Mom lives in a castle in California, Dad was framed for stealing a churchbell. Now he lives in the woods.
MATHESON
Luke: "Why is everybody in the kitchen in the middle of the night? I mean, I was fighting scarecrows from time-travel dreams, but that can't be your excuse."
Mom: "I was just having midnight coffee with Mr. Collins here. We had business..."
Luke: "-- Uh, tomorrow morning business? Like um, all business?"
Mom: "No like clearly I am very drunk. Don't come at me all crazy."
Olivia: "Why is everybody in the kitchen in the middle of the night? I was losing my virginity to a hottie with the hair of a blonde god while a little girl watched and ate ice cream from Hell, but that can't..."
Luke: "Screw this. We're gonna debrief and go to bed. Uncle Collins, go home. Now."
UPSTAIRS
Olivia: "...Wait, so the scarecrow was real?"
Luke: "Yeah, he was mad because Remy was dreaming so hard."
Olivia: "And then the man exploded into ravens?"
Luke: "But only after he handed off the Pact to somebody in a coach belonging to Mr. Collins's ancestor's funeral home. Or possibly Mr. Collins, if he is a vampire in reality and was alive back then."
Olivia: "So the Pact belongs in some way to the guy who wants to be our new daddy? No. Fuck that. I didn't chill with our dead dad's dead girlfriend's skinless ghost just so we could end up with a stepfather trying to turn us all into Miranda. That chick's more of a downer than you are."
BEAUMONT
Dad: "Go to bed, Remy. Stop being studious and/or terrified of going to sleep."
Remy: "Where's Mom? If she goes back to war does the Curse double down?"
Remy hugs her dad for enforcing boundaries because young people need those to feel safe and understand the world around them, and then it's lights out.
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Miranda: "Wait, so was this in a dream, or..."
Caleb: "It was a dream but also real. The scarecrow was both."
Miranda: "Okay so it was my ancestor Esther, and then..."
Caleb: "Another Collins, who is the person Gabrie... That Guy gave the Pact and the three-sided knife to, in his coach. Presumably it's still being passed down. Maybe you would have been the owner of it, if you hadn't driven us off that bridge that time and died."
Miranda: "I'll find it. I just gotta figure out who the Heat Miser is so I can get The Grunwald to show me where the Pact is. Probably by writing in jam again, since that worked so well last time."
AM
The Mathesons' gardener digs up a three-sided knife in their yard, and the cops quickly show up to toss the entire house. For people that regularly live in the middle of a shitstorm of flying cutlery and shattering mirrors and dancing antique hairbrushes, they don't take this kind of thing too well. You can already see Luke getting ready to throw down in futile rebellion against the actions of an unjust world. You can already see Olivia figuring out a new way to go nuts. You can already see Mom getting drunk, although not exactly because technically she is still drunk.
Mom: "I like a good beer buzz early in the morning you guys. All I wanna do is have some fun, not get arrested for the eighth time for stabbing my husband to death, and fire that fucking gardener. Those are all the things I want to do today."
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Miranda: "There is a cute werewolf man coming up the rickety stairs!"
Caleb: "How do you know that? Did you ghost-blink out there and then back?"
Miranda: "It's a useful skill that I never employ!"
Uncle Dad: "Did you know that you live near an incredible witch? She sent me up here. She made me eat cucumber sandwiches and drink tea and then come up here."
Caleb: "Why? I mean hi. I mean, I don't want to talk about Hanna."
Uncle Dad: "Well, I will definitely be bugging you about that later, but for now I just wanted to tell you that I inherited Henry Rivers's old house so now I live in Ravenswood."
Miranda: "That's your uncle that turned out to be your dad and left you in foster care?"
Caleb: "Yeah. It's like, you know how Hanna told me to be your best friend and now we're best friends?"
Miranda: "Oh shit, did three whole seconds go by without you saying that name?"
Caleb: "Anyway, she did the same thing with him. Made us be father and son just by telling us to. Actually now that I think about it, it took longer."
Miranda: "It actually took her longer to connect you with your long-lost dad than it did to make you move to another town and never see her again, just because some random orphan was nervous about living in a funeral home?"
Caleb: "Halloween Special always moves pretty fast."
Miranda: "I'm going to go get my ass beat by The Grunwald's Heat Ghost. You get dressed and have lunch with your dad."
But just then, Luke sends out the Batsignal of there being cops at his house, and so Caleb -- having taken over being the Twins's babysitter even more than Miranda's -- instantly runs to his bro's side.
BEAUMONT
Remy wakes up to the Batsignal but is distracted by how her bedroom, and in fact her entire house, are covered in drawings she made last night of various things. She remembers the first few because she was awake -- even sent Caleb some interesting ones, like the three-sided knife -- but then when she went to sleep was when shit got super crazy.
This is what psychologists call flow. It results in sending scary demon messages to yourself like YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE SEEN, drawn on various pieces of paper and scattered like sexy rose petals so you read them in order as you make your way through your doodle-covered home. That's how you know you're doing it right.
MATHESON
Caleb: "A knife? Did it look like this one on my phone I have ready to show you?"
Olivia: "I think Mr. Collins hid it in the yard, although that makes no sense."
Luke: "I think whoever did it took advantage of our scarecrow activities, somehow knowing the gardener would dig up that hedge this morning."
Caleb: "It is from olden times!"
Mom gets arrested, Luke throws down, Luke gets arrested, Caleb throws down, but instead of arresting Caleb the Chief of Police is just like, "Not this time, little girl" and they drive away. I love it when Caleb forces the Chief of Police to run away just by being sassy, he does it a bunch of times this week.
Holding onto Olivia with one arm and the other wrapped around where Luke would be, weeping, if he hadn't been arrested just now, Caleb notices ex-Groundskeeper Springer out in the crowd that's gathered to watch this latest episode of Matheson Family Shitshow, and wonders if they are about to be slushied. He goes cold, but not because of being slushied. Just because it's cold this morning, due to the freak weather of horrible Ravenswood. And because of bad premonitions.
INSIDE
Olivia has decided on how to go crazy: OCD cleaning the house like she is on the bath salts. Caleb points out that she is nuts, and she tells him two things. The first is out loud: She doesn't like the police having touched all of their belongings during the search, much less Collins's ice-cold skin touching her mom's regular skin. The second one is implied, which is that he wasn't there the last time this happened, after her father got stabbed to death, so maybe he should shut up and let her process.
Caleb: "Right now would be a really good time to not go nuts."
Olivia: "Oh, that's helping."
Caleb: "I have a coffee date with Uncle Dad but I guess I can put it off if like, you really want to inconvenience me."
Olivia: "Your dad showed up randomly during the middle of all this bullshit? Should I add him to the list of people I'm suspicious of? Because I'm kind of the Spencer, if Toby had turned out to actually be on the A-Team and not just very sad. I mean, look at my amazing fashion. There is always room for one more on the Spencer Hastings Paranoia Train, my good friend Caleb."
Caleb: "No, I'm pretty sure he's here to flip a haunted house formerly owned by an old man who died literally from fear. Nothing to worry about."
Olivia: "My dad wasn't technically marked by this Curse either, but his ass sure enough got stabbed to death. Think about it."
Caleb: "You're actually right. I should get him out of town by any means necessary, including acting just about awful."
Olivia: "Cool, I'll call Dillon to come watch me clean."
JAIL
An old man keeps bugging Luke about what time it is, and they have this funny conversation where Luke's like, "Dude, they took my phone!" and the old man is like, "I don't need to make a call, I need to know what time it is!" Old people are so stupid.
After a face-off with the Chief of Police, who still has no time for Luke's drama, the old man turns into a crazy demon possession and starts yelling at Luke about super sensational topics such as: How he Should Not Have Seen, and If Thine Eye Offend Thee Pluck It Out, and that Luke will wish for death before this is over, and then he will get his wish. (Die.) Then he just turns into an old guy again. Luke, shockingly enough, starts crying immediately after.
Luke: "Mine eye doesn't offend me! It's allergies. Allergies!"
MATHESON
Olivia: "Dillon, I don't know if you lost your phone, or you're hanging out with little demon girls or what, but your ass better call me. This is exactly why I didn't want to trust you with my weird life secrets. Also, v-card. Don't do this to a girl, bitch."
There's a knock at the door so she stops cleaning for a second, but it's not Dillon. It's still pretty good, though.
Collins: "Greetings, child."
Olivia: "What the fuck do you want?"
Collins: "To check up on you, sweet girl. To see where your head is at."
Olivia: "Why didn't she call my ass herself?"
Collins: "Because I am her one phone call, little one. She is worried. I worry, too."
Olivia: "They found a knife in our yard."
Collins: "It was planted there by forces which conspire against us even now, my delight."
Olivia: "Doesn't help that she already got accused of killing him like eleven times."
Collins: "These events and many more have been revealed to me, tender heart."
Olivia: "Her husband's only been dead two months, you fucking creeper."
Collins: "What is eternal never dies, poppet. Your father lived a life of great service."
Olivia: "You hated him."
Collins: "We disagreed on certain matters. But it would take a darker heart than mine to hate on an Eskimo Brother. I respected him. He was a good father."
Olivia: "And a good husband."
Collins: "History is merely the narrative of accumulated negotiations. My sweet. Anyway, you are harshing my shadowy buzz, and I must anon. Is there anything for which you want, or desire, before I go to free your family from their drafty cells?"
Olivia: "What I want is for you to bounce. What I desire is for Dillon to get his hot ass over here so I don't feel like a whore for giving it up last night. Neither of which you can help me with. Go spend your devil-money on bail if you want, I don't give a shit. I can handle things here."
Collins: "Olivia...? When this situation is resolved, I'd like to ... try."
Olivia: "Try what? What are you gonna fucking try? Try a fucking thing I will take your pale ass out. I dare you."
Collins: "Farewell, child. Enjoy your cleaning frenzy."
Olivia: "Yeah I will. Thanks! j/k, no thanks."
FUNERAL HOME
Miranda goes pokin' around in the house, coming upon a headachy The Grunwald, who is being watched over by a seriously intense chick with '40s victory rolls who shoves her out into the hallway and slams the door in her face. Like, I know what you're saying: How can any person on Earth be more intense than The Grunwald, but especially a person in the same room as The Grunwald?
Even just laying abed there, with a cold compress on her head -- not moving or even looking at things with her special eyes -- The Grunwald is still more earth-shatteringly relevant than anything else I can think of. And yet, this girl almost gets there. I will tell you right now that her name is Beatrice, and that she is phenomenal. She can turn into heat waves! I would give you even odds that it's not even a special effect, just a thing the actress brought to the table.
Skills include: Swordplay, horse riding, European accents, and the ability to turn into heat waves and slam people all around the joint like they're ragdolls.
THE VAULT
Uncle Dad: "Soooo what's going on with Hanna?"
Caleb: "We broke up. It happens. I least I didn't desert a wolf-baby when I ran."
Uncle Dad: "No but you have to believe in love and shit."
(Lots of this. Lots of Dad being way into it.)
Caleb: "Anyway, I'm not leaving Ravenswood."
Uncle Dad: "Me neither actually, I am going to flip that haunted house."
Caleb: "This is all very weird. I mean, Henry dies and you're pulled to this town..."
Uncle Dad: "Is that weird? Or is that pretty much how inheritance works. It would be weird if Henry died and the result was that I went anywhere but here. See? I was not drawn here by magic but by estate law. Tell me you understand this simple concept."
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Miranda: "So wait, you drew some of them while you were awake..."
Remy: "Yeah, the normal ones that don't look like I am a serial killer. The other ones..."
Miranda: "Tell me a bunch of exposition. Right away. Without further ado."
Remy: "We already kind of covered this last week, but the reason my family is so aware of this stuff is because I used to do this exact shit when I was little."
Miranda: "Tote around cameo necklaces and draw scary drawings and fight scarecrows from out of sky?"
Remy: "Not so much the last one, which is where it gets interesting, because I think the dream demon is inside my head making me dream but also not dream? Or it comes from dreams and then tries to stop dreams? Whatever it is, it has a complex agenda."
Miranda: "I think actually nothing has changed, but now you are Cursed and Caleb and I were reincarnated by Thomas and Esther and we're possibly close to solving the mystery, so things are all coming to a head. So it's coming off a lot more hardcore than when you were little."
Remy: "Me too. I think it's mad because I saw the signing of the Pact. My reasoning for that is how all of the drawings say things like YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE SEEN THE PACT DURING LAST WEEK'S EPISODE and YOU ARE GOING TO STAB OUT SOMEBODY'S EYEBALL LATER and stuff like that. Vision-related resentments."
Miranda: "I got some ghost probs too. I have deduced that The Grunwald's ghost familiar is a chick from the '40s with victory rolls that kind of made me crap my ghost-pants."
THE VAULT
Tess: "You look nervous and alone!"
Olivia: "I may have made a sex mistake. Sit your cute ass down. Distract me with your prattle."
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Remy: "Okay, so it looks like the last of the POWs made it back from the Philippines in 1947, and then a week later..."
Miranda: "Yep. Dead kids. It's definitely the pattern. Oh, there's the intense girl! Beatrice Meredith Stevens, 17. Jesus, even just her picture in this obituary looks like she could whistle up a hurricane."
Remy: "Survived by her parents, three brothers, and sister Carla..."
Miranda: "Which is The Grunwald's first name! Carla T. Grunwald, née Stevens."
Remy: "So it's her baby sister, I guess. Collins has The Grunwald's sister Bea trapped here, and thus has The Grunwald trapped here too."
Miranda: "Then she's gotta be on our side, right? Marked, dead, hair-jarred, and fully against the Pact."
Remy: "You gotta wonder just what the fuck ol' Beatrice thought about The Grunwald's good friend Alison DiLaurentis. I'd like to see that freakin' faceoff."
I hope Remy's on her computer, and didn't just crack open Caleb's for some quick ghost-googling. This is why I support the notion of labeling your porn "Pornography," so people know not to click on that. Imagine this scenario:
Your Friend Or Relative: "Now, where the heck would the internet be on this computer, so I can look up some ghosts on it? One thing I know for sure is, it's not in that clearly-labeled folder."
As my darling Caity Weaver says, the very soul of etiquette is leaving everybody room to be gracious.
THE VAULT
Olivia tries to hold down a conversation with Tess while also hallucinating bleeding-eyes ghosts in her makeup compact. As per usual, she lets this slide without even barely reacting to it.
Tess: "So the cops were at your house..."
Olivia: "Yeah, that was a real shot in the arm this morning."
Tess: "Oh, and I broke up with Springer."
Olivia: "That's sad or whatever! I'm being a good friend."
Tess: "You were right, he's cute but he's sour inside. Also, he slushied you obviously."
Olivia: "How long did he work for Collins? Was he working there when..."
Tess: "Like a year, so yeah. He definitely helped drain your father's vital liquids out of his corpse during the embalming process. Anyway, can we be best friends again?"
Olivia: "Sure. First on the agenda, I slept with Dillon."
Tess: "That's so exciting!"
Olivia: "In certain ways, yes."
BEAUMONT
Dad: "You went over to Caleb's carriage house for some light googling? But Remy, you should be in bed, or cleaning up your million psycho drawings!"
Remy: "It's the middle of the day, weirdo."
Dad: "I know you're worried about your boyfriend in the clink, but you gotta leave a note. Also, because you are going crazy we have made a doctor's appointment."
Remy: "I am not going back on meds!"
Dad: "This is a new doctor."
Remy: "So no meds?"
Dad: "Oh no, we are drugging your crazy ass right up. But it'll be fun this time."
Remy: "Okay, but you have to get Luke out of jail."
Dad: "That seems like a fair trade."
THE OLD RIVERS PLACE
Uncle Dad: "[Werewolf house-flipper stuff. Pier and beam. Dormers. A fresh coat of paint. Copper pipes. Foundation status.]"
Caleb: "How long is this shit going to take?"
Uncle Dad: "Like six or seven months?"
Caleb: "That doesn't work for me. The Apocalypse will probably happen by then. I guess I finally get why Hanna is constantly lying to her loved ones, finally. Irony."
Uncle Dad doesn't immediately acquiesce to Caleb's weird insistence that he fuck off, so Caleb really goes for it: Talking about how a child-abandoner is the last person to speak about "homesteading," ouch, and then telling him their mysterious family they didn't know about is better off without him, essentially, that he's cramping Caleb's style, that he dumped Hanna -- obscurely -- because of Uncle Dad, that Uncle Dad gives shitty advice, that he is a bad uncle and an even worse father, that werewolves don't exist, and that Caleb's mom is better off (a provable fact, if a malicious one) without him. Just gives him the business.
Uncle Dad: "What's going on? Are you Harry & The Hendersons-ing me?"
Caleb: "Stop being reasonable and awesome! You steal churchbells and turn into a wolf by the full moon! Hanna thinks you have coffee breath! You better stop stalking me!"
Uncle Dad: "You are so cute when you're like this I can't even stand it."
Caleb: "Burn this house to the ground! I would rather lose this connection to our roots than look at your dumb handsome werewolf face ever again!"
RANDOM ANTIQUE STORE
Tess is literally just staring into space -- or maybe at herself in the glass, or maybe past herself into the store, admiring some giant platters or clocks or whatever crap -- when Springer appears out of nowhere and starts haranguing her.
Springer: "You and Olivia are back together?"
Tess: "Stop always creeping and spying, Springer!"
Springer: "I have a first name!"
Tess: "I don't even know what it is."
Springer: "It is Jerry! Why are you talking to her again? What is going on with her these days?"
Tess: "I love being stalked but also you're so annoying. Why?"
Springer: "I need to know! I am on the outside looking in, trying to figure things out!"
Tess: "Go ask your boyfriend Dillon."
Springer: "He is not my boyfriend! Things are really weird right now actually, thanks for bringing it up!"
But then he says a very interesting thing: "Being nice to Olivia isn't going to save you," and her whole affect changes. She's like, "You aren't even a B+," and takes off, and he just stands there for a sec before glowering at a Collins hearse across the street. Man, Springer is just chock full of problems. And alcohol.
FUNERAL HOME
Miranda plays Hot & Cold with Beatrice, wandering around the house: The radio comes on after she asks about their maternal relationships, and then she decides to press for friendliness: "We have something in common, we both died because of the Pact. Now we're stuck here forever." A basin starts to boil, and she keeps going, begging Bea to tell her about the Pact.
"Who's keeping us here? It can't just be my uncle, this has been going on from almost a hundred years. Why are they doing this? Why do kids have to keep dying? We can break this Curse, Bea! Maybe even get out. The Grunwald won't be able to push you around anymore..."
Which is kind of the right thing and the wrong thing at once: It causes some ghostly tremors, which knocks over some framed pictures on The Grunwald's bureau, which -- when Miranda checks them out -- cause Beatrice to appear, going apeshit and causing wind indoors and heat waves also, yelling at her to leave that shit alone: A picture of Beatrice, close to her age of death, holding The Baby Grunwald in her arms.
CARRIAGE HOUSE
Caleb stares out the window at the nighttime cemetery, eventually getting on Miranda's nerves.
Miranda: "Oh my God, talk to me. The Byronic thing really doesn't suit you and I need attention."
Caleb: "Fine, what did you do today?"
Miranda: "Pissed off The Grunwald's ghost. Have you noticed ghosts hate me? Even Fake Mom Ghost was kind of irritated by the end, and she wasn't even a real ghost."
Caleb: "I was absolutely horrid to my father. Just hideous. Oh well, collateral damage."
Miranda: "So you want him safe. But when -- I mean IF -- you die, that'll be the last stuff you ever said to him. You know?"
Caleb: "So by keeping Hanna and Uncle Dad at arm's length, I'm holding onto my fear of mortality while simultaneously being paralyzed by hope I won't end up like you. But if I knew for sure one way or the other how this war on the Pact will go..."
Miranda: "Either way, you'd treasure this time with him."
Miranda: "When I found out I had an uncle, I was surprised. When I found out he was a dracula that didn't want me around, even moreso. By the time I realized he was keeping me locked on the grounds with a hair-jar, I was almost out of the ability to be surprised by his constant lunatic behavior. What about when you found out about Jamie?"
Caleb: "I was surprised that my uncle was my dad, sure. But then Hanna showed me this picture of him holding me, that he'd held onto forever, and I just... the way he was holding me, you could tell. That baby was his son, not his nephew..."
Miranda: "-- Oh my God it's Chinatown."
Caleb: "What?"
Miranda: "It's Chinatown, Jake. Downstairs is Chinatown. I gotta talk to Beatrice."
BEAUMONT
Dad: "As discussed, I brought your pet boyfriend back from the pound."
Remy: "Dad, you are so Dad!"
Remy: "Luke, look at these million drawings I did."
Luke: "It is always something with you. Is this a weird language here? Same as the one from the prayerbook?"
Remy: "No, it's obviously Latin. Finis est praesens attingere. To interfere is to face the end of all."
Luke: "Something tells us we fucked up by going scarecrow hunting with you as the bait. And that something is, all these things that keep literally telling us that. This homeless guy..."
Remy: "I went in there, I saw how it started... Do you think something followed me back?"
Luke: "You mean like that scarecrow that followed you back? In exactly the way you are now describing?"
COLLINS
Miranda: "Girl, girl, girl! The Grunwald was your daughter! You were a teen mom back before it was so lucrative like it is now!"
Beatrice: "Yeah. We went away and when we came back, I had a baby sister."
Miranda: "And then you died. Because of the Curse where when a war..."
Beatrice: "-- Yeah, we get it. Listen, I wasn't too upset. I'm happy about the hair-jars, because I got to see her grow up. I could watch out for her and take care of her and turn into heat waves for her, and..."
Miranda: "Does she know?"
Beatrice: "I think so. We don't really chat about that kind of stuff, it's too weird. Which is saying something, considering I'm fifty years younger than her and she is a crazy psychic witch who babysits a grown-ass vampire man."
Beatrice: "Okay, I'm stonewalling you. But only because you're gonna fuck everything up!"
Miranda: "Uh, how it is okay to trade soldiers for children? And who has the power for that?"
Beatrice: "You do not wanna know. And you need to stop asking. Just be happy you're here, on the grounds, safe, protected from Fake Moms and Max and the Grindr. Just figure out something to care about. The man who is pretty like a woman, for example."
Miranda: "Uh, what. Until he dies? I just moved here, I don't know anybody except my other four marked people. That's a shit deal for me."
Beatrice: "And yet, you need to quit."
Miranda: "Oh, I get it. You don't want to leave her. You want to stay with your baby. But I feel like I should point out that she's got an expiration date, too. She is like a thousand already. What happens when she passes on, no offense? She goes Wherever, and you're still here, hair-jarred in this house. All alone like the rest of us, nothing to do and nothing to care about. Then what? Then what forever."
Beatrice: "When you say it like that, being a ghost kind of sucks."
EMBALMERY
The Grunwald: "Hey, punkin', what's funkin'?"
Collins: "I talked to Olivia this morning, she was a bitch like usual. But at least I didn't have to deal with Luke, he's way meaner than she is. Now I just want to play with my million shiny knives and implements and calm down."
The Grunwald: "You only put on full scrubs without a body to work on when you're stressed out. I'm sorry they were so mean, but listen. They don't hate you, they just don't know you yet."
Collins: "They have no intention of letting that shit happen. They think I'm trying to Evil Stepfather their mom, like I'm this villainous Gothic archetype..."
The Grunwald: "Maybe that's because you dress like the Phantom of the Opera going on a gay date with Nosferatu."
Collins: "Black is slimming! Also, it's my job!"
The Grunwald: "Oh, quit. You know you're beautiful. And I doubt the clients would enjoy you in bermuda shorts."
(Actual joke. The Grunwald actually said that shit to him, about the shorts.)
Collins: "Oh, and speaking of ungrateful wretches, guess who I saw today? Springer."
The Grunwald: "Oh, the poor lamb. How is he?"
Collins: "Drowning. He's starting to realize what he's gotten himself into."
The Grunwald: "What do you think he'll do?"
Collins: "Something stupid? Something someone will have to clean up?"
What does this mean? What does anything ever mean? I think Springer was part of Dillon's crew -- maybe Tess too -- but he got out when he saw the bigger picture and realized he was throwing in with power, rather than with the forces of light. Once the mean kids managed to kill the Mayor, they all fractured like in The Secret History -- or like the NAT Club, in Rosewood -- and now they're all still trying to figure out their new allegiances. Does that sound right? I like it. It makes Olivia kind of the Veronica Mars, caught between the mean clique/coven and her own distressing circumstances after her fall from popularity, etc.
It would also explain why Springer's drinking, if he regrets his association with the Cult or whatever, and maybe also why Dillon drilled down into true Max/Grindr evilness, all alone without his former buds. And then you have Tess in the middle, drawn separately to both Twins but also wary of getting too close because of the various factors involved in dealing with any of the Five. It's tough to just relax and get baked, hit Jack In The Box or whatever, when you know you're hanging with people who are literally always almost about to die.
MATHESON
Mom's on the phone -- "No, I'm home now but I need you to be ready in case we... All right, we'll think about it. I have to go" -- when Olivia comes home, and she instantly hangs up without mentioning it, then tries to maintain. Olivia is dead-set on retrieving Luke from Remy's house, I guess because he can't be out at night what with the constant fisticuffs and allergens, but first she wants to fight about Collins.
Olivia: "What is the deal there? For real this time. I need to know for lots of reasons."
Mom: "Don't worry about it. We can talk about it over dinner, meaning never because I still haven't figured out that part about kids needing food."
Olivia: "You must not have anything to do with him! Keep him out of this house! Get your key back! Keep him the hell away or he'll hair-jar you or something!"
Mom: "You're so dumb. (Obviously he is your real father.) Go get Luke."
Olivia: "He said he wanted to TRY!"
Mom: "He got us a lawyer when your dad died. That is just like one thing he did. He is a good friend of this family. He is a good friend, period. Stop being nuts."
Olivia: "I will never stop being nuts. But I will go get Luke."
DON'T DAWDLE, HONEY
Because what is going on with Luke right now is, Remy is about to stab his fucking eyeball out of his head!
Remy: "If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out!"
Dad: "Whoa! Stop stabbing your boyfriend! Oh no, now you're stabbing me! I should have been more specific!"
Remy: "Oh shit, I am stabbing. What the hell?"
Dad: "It's okay, baby. You're going straight to the mental hospital anyways."
THE OLD RIVERS FIXER-UPPER
Caleb: "Hey, sorry I was just a gigantic tampon earlier. I have changed my mind."
Uncle Dad: "I kind of thought you might. That was really out of character, usually you're pretty rad."
Caleb: "But I do want to tell you some things about Rav..."
A giant raven flies in the window, cawing, and for once somebody notices something weird has happened.
Uncle Dad: "Huh. A bird in the house. That omen usually happens before the person dies."
Caleb: "Aw, Jeez."
EN ROUTE
Springer jumps out from behind a tree as Olivia is walking by, but then just drunkenly locks step with her rather than assaulting her or anything. A new leaf?
Springer: "I'll escort you to escort your brother, no problem."
Olivia: "Not necessary. I'm still so pissed at Collins I could beat anybody up. Especially you, since you're the worst."
Springer: "That was tough when they arrested your remaining family today, huh?"
Olivia: "Oh, were you there? I didn't notice, I was being glamorous and holding it together."
Springer: "I thought I'd feel different, after I saw that, but no. Still dissatisfied."
Olivia: "You expected to be satisfied by watching my mother get arrested?"
Springer: "Taken in for questions. The arrest happens later... Listen, where was Dillon during all this?"
Olivia: "I dunno, he scampered after we boned. It was some pretty epic bad timing, all things considered."
Springer: "I know about your boyfriend. I know all kinds of stuff about him."
Olivia: "Are you drunk?"
Springer: "No, just encouraged. Do you even know what your boyfriend is?"
Olivia tries to run and he keeps saying she needs to stop and listen to what he's saying, but she's too edgy to pay attention. ("I can't listen to you explain things! I have to go figure out the explanations of the things you're explaining!") Which is too bad, because he is saying awesome interesting things, such as "this whole thing is your father's fault" and "if he'd done right by my dad everything would have been okay" and even "you have to know why this is happening, and why I did it to you." You'd think at least the last one would get her attention, but nope. Olivia simply has no time for his nonsense this evening. By the time he's got his Springer hand literally over her mouth, she gives up and just cronks him in the junk before sprinting away; he follows, and is immediately hit by a car.
Tess: "Oh my God. Right in the honey-roasted penis."
Afterwards, the cops come and Tess explains that he just ran out in front of her car, and Olivia explains that he was chasing her and threatening her, and finally Caleb appears to once again yell at the cops and make them go away with his stern gravitas. Then everybody chats about how Remy just tried to stab Luke in the eye, which honestly would probably distract any one of us that was there despite the many interesting things Springer had to say before he got run over.
And so as Remy packs up her teddy bear and haunted necklace and heads to the sleep clinic -- which was kind of creepy because I had just typed "sleep clinic" into my notes when she said the actual words, which made me wonder if I myself was going into a dream world, and Ravenswood/Brookhaven was finally winning -- let's check in on Miranda and see what she's doing.
WHAT MIRANDA IS DOING MAY SURPRISE YOU
I sing the Body electric;
The armies of those I love engirth me, and I engirth them;
They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them,
And discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the Soul.
Just hanging around Caleb's house alone, reading some Whitman aloud for no reason I can fathom, that's what she's doing. I mean, you can see the point she's making, but I don't get why she's making it. Kind of awkward, tbh.
Beatrice: "Hey, I brought you your hair-jar. Know why?"
Miranda: "Because you want me to GTFO?"
Beatrice: "Kind of a win/win. But you know what happens when you bust it, right?"
Miranda: "Yeah."
Beatrice: "Wrong answer. You just barely got a taste of it last time. You thought Max was your friend, you thought Fake Mom was your mom, you thought that shitty sad Wuthering Heights wreck was your childhood home you invented. That is not the Grinder. Even the shitty part at the end was a joyride, comparatively."
Miranda: "Uh, and what about the bajillion other Fives left behind?"
Beatrice: "Just fuck off and leave us alone, kid. You'll see."
Miranda: "If we have learned anything it's that when people tell me not to do a thing, I immediately do that thing."
Beatrice: "Like I said. Win/win. You are hauled off to Hell, and the Pact stays solid forever, unless some other dumb Thomas and Esther come along and try the same shit again. Which seems like long odds."
Miranda: "How is that a win/win?"
Beatrice: "Yeah, I know. The whole thing's rigged, chickadee. Now get lost. Twenty-three skidoo."
Miranda sighs because this is clearly a twenty-three skidon't, but A) Nobody puts Miranda in the corner and B) Getting free from the grounds will really come in handy once Caleb starts school and she can no longer follow him from room to room all day like she does now.
WEEK
Shockingly enough, Remy's sleep clinic proves to be a house of horrors, but hopefully she can at least corner some memories on exactly how long she's been dreaming of the Pact before Patricia Arquette gets her head smashed into a TV. Olivia digs into this Springer stuff and hopefully locates Dillon, Miranda investigates off-site again since that went so well last time, and Caleb gets some Ravenswood history from Ben Price, whom we haven't seen since the pilot.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, Ravenswood, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.