"It's Because I'm Gay, Right?"

I don't know what I'm going to do about this show. I can't take the tiny hope that it will get better only to have it shattered by some of the crappiest soap-opera plot twists I've ever seen. Are we ready for the "Are You My Daddy?" crap storyline? Get a puke bucket ready.

Previously: Brian had sex with everybody, including Ben but not including Michael. A kid got killed and stuffed in a dumpster. Ted tried to mingle with richer people. Michael and Brian still haven't had sex. Not that any of that matters in this episode.

Playing pool. Justin rubs his dick over the corner pocket. Brian tells him Justin's breaking his concentration. Justin turns around and rubs his ass over the corner pocket instead. "You shouldn't have any trouble sinking into that hole," Emmett quips. Brian makes the shot and Justin moans with glee. Ben gropes Michael and asks for something to aim at. Ted is handing out fliers for a charity event, but nobody cares what Ted has to say ever. Brian complains that Ted's boring fundraiser costs a hundred bucks and that there's nothing there for your money. Michael says that Angels Over Pittsburgh isn't just another charity; they brought food to Vic every day he was sick. They really helped Michael and Debbie out. Ted says that's not enough. Brian says they need a big attraction. "Like Madonna," Justin says. "Or the Backstreet Boys." He means *NSYNC. Cowlip, you mean *NSYNC. The Backstreet Boys are as old as Christina Aguilera. Emmett suggests Pittsburgh's own Divina Devore. It's a kind of Bette Midler meets Divine kind of thing. Brian says a "worn-out old drag queen" isn't going to help. "What kind of homosexual are you?" Emmett asks. Brian answers, "The kind that fucks men." Queer As Folk: we don't mince words. Emmett says that Divina is a legend who's performed in front of presidents. Brian asks if it was Ulysses S. Grant or Chester A. Arthur. I guess Brian was a History major, because I don't know that many people that know ol' Chaz' middle initial when they bust out with some presidential trivia punchline. ["Maybe Brian just likes The Simpsons." -- Wing Chun] As Ben leans down to take his shot, Michael squats in front of the corner pocket. Michael says that if Divina were on the bill, Ted could sell lots of tickets. Ben shoots and the ball rolls towards Michael's mouth (which isn't open big enough to fit any decent-sized dick through). Ben misses. Michael pouts. The boys laugh.

Aah! Babies are staring at me again! We're at a center for early education/day care/fancy-pants place, but someone hired babies who don't understand the fourth wall. Creepy baby stares! The Day Care Lady (who I shall now nickname BadHair) is telling a group of parents that their center offers blah blah blah to "degree candidates" and blah blah expensive blah pretentious blah Montessori. Mel scoffs at the term "degree candidates," since the kids are pre-schoolers. How old is Gus now? BadHair says they'd love to let in all the kids, but they can't because then the center wouldn't be exclusive. Lindsay raises her hand and asks what determines the final decision. BadHair says the child's own unique talents and abilities will play a big part, but that they're also trying to create "the full spectrum of human diversity. Race, religion, socio-economic background." Mel asks, "What about sexual orientation?" Yep, gay kids, too. Lindsay asks if there are any same-sex-parented children currently enrolled in the school. BadHair says that there aren't, but they're going to do whatever they can to fix that situation. Lindsay smiles, knowing Gus is in because he's got two mommies.