"It's Because I'm Gay, Right?"

The diner wall changes artwork. Now it's all Justin's. Debbie tries to sell one to a customer for fifty bucks. Doesn't work. The guy just rudely walks off, as one would expect. Debbie tells Justin that the customer didn't know dick about art. Suddenly, Jennifer is standing there. She chastises Justin for not telling her he had his own show at the diner. Justin says it's not the Museum of Modern Art. "That's !" Debbie shouts. Justin and Jennifer hug. He asks if she's hungry. She just ate, unfortunately. She sits down. Aren't you absolutely riveted? I mean, every scene has just been chock-full of driving storylines. Does Jennifer want lunch? Will the customer be interested in buying a framed print off a diner wall? Will the baby stop staring right at me? Jennifer says she needs to talk to Justin about his father. He's decided to stop paying for Justin's school. "That lame-ass shit," Justin says. "What's his feeble excuse?" Who talks like that? Jennifer says that Justin's father's having a hard time making ends meet with the stock market and having to pay for two entire households. "And he's a lame-ass shit," she concludes. She tells Justin that she'll help pay for his school. Justin says that Jennifer needs that money for herself and Molly. He says he'll take care of it himself. Who pays his rent? Brian? Does Justin have any expenses?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHH! Divina Devore is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Like Nathan Lane after cheating on Atkins. Her eyes are giant white pools of goo. Face slicked with sweat. And if she's such a superstar, why's she playing this shitty little theater in Pittsburgh? About nine tables in the room. Absolutely no stage presence. Lip-synching her own singing. Emmett, Ted, and Michael prance backstage right behind the stage manager. I guess anybody can go backstage if they're big enough fans. That's how it works, isn't it? As Divina finishes singing that she's one of the girls who's one of the boys, Emmett tells Michael and Ted that nobody makes a better woman than a gay man. Michael asks, "What woman looks like that? Big, red wig, tons of jewelry, gaudy clothes?" Emmett, Ted, and the stage manager all turn slowly to the screen as I shout, "Your mama!" They avoid the "your mama" joke and just make Michael say that his mother doesn't look like that. But man, Divina is the spitting image of Debbie, for real. And the stage manager knows Michael's mother? Divina leans back on the curtain as the audience politely applauds. She shouts, "Thank you, Pittsburgh! For reminding me why I left!" As she takes another bow, Ted hopes that Divina won't be "one of those maniac divas who thinks she's the center of the universe -- you know, snapping her fingers bossing people around."

Cue Divina snapping fingers, bossing, bitching. The stage manager can't figure out whether to call Divina "ma'am" or "sir." Why is this entire scene in a blue light? Nobody's having anal sex. I don't get it. Ted stops Divina and stammers that the show was "sparkling." "Bubbling," Emmett adds. "Effervescent," Ted finishes. "Stop, you'll make me burp," Divina jokes. Oh, my God. Divina's eyes. People, it's the grossest thing I've ever seen. She looks like Maggie Smith melting. How does someone get their eyes to droop so low? Michael also says he thought Divina's performance was stellar. Divina says it's flattering to get such praise from such nice young men. She tries to excuse herself, but Ted stops her to ask if she'll do the Angels Over Pittsburgh benefit. Divina mocks shock and flattery as she says, "I'd love to! If I didn't already spend half my life doing benefits. If I do any more, they'll have to throw one for me." Good day, sir. Ted tries a move that's supposed to read "jaw-dropping shock" but instead looks like "TMJ spasm with a hint of lockjaw on an airplane."

The production values on this show are worse than my third-grade Brownies tribute to the month of February. Brian and Justin sit in front of the saddest greenscreen in the land discussing Justin's money woes. Justin doesn't want Brian to pay for his school. I guess this is the one thing Brian doesn't get to pay. Justin's flattered that Brian wants to take care of him, but he wants to fix this problem on his own. He says he'll get another job, apply for a scholarship, and get more money on his own. There's an exterior shot of the Jeep, and for a second it's confusing because there's nobody in the passenger seat, which would mean that Brian's talking to himself, and that he's hallucinated Justin all this time. Maybe this whole Justin thing is just a dream. Maybe Brian's got A Beautiful Cock. Justin's so happy Brian has money that he pulls off his seatbelt and gives Brian a blowjob at a red light. The close-up is too close and we can see that Justin isn't sucking on anything, even though his hand is moving. The man in the car to Brian watches. Brian watches him back. Brian revs his engine.

Hee. The Angels Over Pittsburgh sign looks like an ad for Weight Gainer 2000. "Who the fuck wants to see some worn-out old drag queen, anyway?" Ted asks. Are they allowed to keep repeating lines over and over? Emmett says they'll find somebody else. Michael says something that Ben always says. Ted makes fun of Ben. Michael throws food at Ted's face. Oh, before I forget, thanks to all of you who sent me thank-you e-cards for saving you from the bad writing. That was really nice of you, and unexpected. I'm doing it again in this scene, but you don't have to send anything. Now I do it because I love you. I love you more than Cowlip will ever love you. I hope you remember that. Somebody let Vic out of his Novotny prison. They've also decided he can be a short-order chef again. Also, he just now gained the power of hearing, and finally hears the words "Divina Devore." Michael tells Vic again what he must have just heard. "She always was a selfish prick," Vic says. Emmett asks Vic how he knows Divina. Turns out Vic and Divina went to school together, back when Divina was "Danny Devore." Ted immediately uses his friends and tells Michael that he should ask Divina again, but mention Vic this time as a "personal connection." Emmett drones, "I thought you didn't even want her." Ted says that was before he found out she was a friend of the family. In what episode will people sit Ted down and tell him that he's become a very creepy man? Vic says that Divina probably wouldn't remember him anyway.

Lindsay's in pigtails, shouting to Mel from the porch. They've received a letter from Gus's would-be school. Any college graduate would know that a thin letter from a school is never a good sign. Lindsay and Mel banter a bit about what college Gus will want to go to. Lindsay opens the letter. Gus didn't get in. Mel reads the letter, baffled. "It's bullshit," she concludes. They thought Gus would get in because the school wanted "all different kinds of people." Lindsay spits, "Apparently not our kind of people." Do you guys think maybe Gus just isn't good enough for the fancy school? They just about licked both of your pussies right there at the school. Nope, must be because they're gay. Mel, the lawyer, instantly concludes that this is discrimination. The shaky-cam approaches Lindsay as she says, "Against our son. For something that has nothing to do with him." God, this show.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGUGUGGHHHH! Make it stop! Make Divina Devore's photo shoot stop! The photographer's talking in a voice-over, and Divina looks like a salamander dressed as Jackie O for Halloween. Michael just walks right into her hotel room (again, fans can do anything, including find out which hotel room a celebrity is in and then just walk right in demanding things). He asks if she'll change her mind. "I don't change my mind!" she shouts. "Only my underwear." It's like Bette Davis wrapped in cellophane. "Sassy!" the photographer voice-overs. Divina tells Michael to scram, so Michale doesn't. Instead, he tells Divina that his uncle was right. He tells Divina Vic's name. There's a rapid, subway-cam on Divina's face as she hears Vic's name. WAY TOO CLOSE! WAY TOO CLOSE! Back the fuck up from that face. Jesus, it's like a clown dressing up as a clown. Divina asks if he's the one Michael told her was sick. (Uh, when did that happen?) Michael says that Vic's doing a lot better now since he's on the cocktail. Divina sends her regards and asks if Debbie is Michael's mother. "You knew my mom?" Michael asks. "Knew her?" Divina shouts. "I DATED HER!" I guess you should wear that like a badge of honor. A purple heart. Divina says back then, she was a male impersonator and did a pretty good job. Her eyebrows are drawn up to her hairline and it looks like her real eyebrows are all stitched up Marilyn Manson-style. I'm terrified and I'll never sleep again. Divina asks if Debbie became a nurse like she always wanted. Michael says he never knew Debbie wanted to be a nurse. Why doesn't Michael know anything about anyone? "Just a waitress," Michael says. "Dear Michael, Being a waitress is a full time fucking job and a lot of fucking work and something you wouldn't know about since you sit on your ass reading comic books all day in a fantasy land where you'd be allowed to own a business. And, uh, weren't you just a stockboy at fucking K-Mart? Shut your shitty hole and give your mother some respect. Love, Waitresses and Waiters of the World." Divina says that Debbie's laugh could bring down a house. She certainly fucked up some of my plateware. Divina tells Michael that Debbie was a real looker. Michael replies, "Still is. Just, now there's more to look at." Horrible, rotten kid. Divina agrees to do the banquet. Michael thanks her. "Don't thank me," Divina says. "Pay me." Michael asks how long it's been since Divina saw his mother. Divina says it was the summer after graduation when he left town. I can't recap the two sentences because the close-up on Divina's face is so severe that I actually start crying. God. Like Emmett Kelly on crack.

Ted kisses Michael as a payment for getting Divina to sign on. Brian says he can't believe Debbie dated a drag queen. He wonders how anyone could tell them apart. "At least now we know who taught her how to do her hair," Emmett says. Brian tells Michael that this makes Debbie officially the biggest fag hag of all time. Debbie walks up all smiles, oblivious to the fact that they're all slapping "With Special Guest: Divina" stickers all over the diner. Brian lays it on her that Michael chatted with Divina recently, and that they found out that Debbie and Divina used to date. Debbie is shocked, angry, and grumpy. She says that Divina had no right to talk to Michael about Debbie's personal life. It was a million years ago. Really? Because I think Michael's only thirty. Oh, am I ruining something? Why is this taking so fucking long?

Naked dancing boys. Come to me. Yesssss. Thank you. Naked dancing boys make all the bad writing go away. No writing or dialogue for naked dancing boys. Just flesh. Sweet, toned flesh. Good flesh. Good music. Pumping. Good. Yes. Just forty more minutes of this, please. Please. Please.

Dammit. Justin sticks a dollar in the g-string of a dancing boy. Brian snaps a dollar out of a different stripper's g-string. Pretty sure not even Brian Kinney's allowed to swipe money from a stripper. Brian hands the cash back to Justin and reminds him that he's saving up for school. Justin's bummed, drinking his nine-dollar vodka tonic at a strip club, damning his fabulously expensive nightlife and the curse of needing so many expensive clothes. Ugh, there's some dirty money close to that man's penis. Brian asks if Justin found a job. Justin says he tried twenty restaurants and nobody's hiring. One day of job hunting and he's finished? Welcome to the real world, Justin. Where Monster.com makes you think there are jobs out there only to find out that there's nothing nowhere, anywhere. Justin says the financial aid office told him that Justin's father makes too much money to get aid. Don't I know that story. They don't care if your parents aren't giving you any money. Brian says his offer still stands. "So does my answer," Justin says. A stripper asks Brian and Justin to help him down from the table. "See?" Brian asks. "Some people know how to accept help." Justin and I roll our eyes at the same time. Justin watches the stripper pull money out of his crotch. Justin hands him another dollar and comments that it looks like he had a good night. The stripper says it's nothing compared to the weekend. You know how strippers love to count their money in front of the customers. Justin asks if they're looking for more dancers. "Gary's always looking," the stripper smiles. Brian and Justin are quiet, thinking. Brian walks away.

Heh. Very geeky picture of Michael and Brian in high school with their arms around each other. Ben and Michael are up in Michael's old room looking through things. Ben says that Michael was a fat dork in high school. He says that Michael was a dweeb and Brian was a spaz. What the hell is going on? Michael asks if a spaz is better or worse than a dweeb. Ben says it's far worse. He says he has a thing for dweebs. And dialogue like a spaz. Michael's going through a box he says is his mom's old stuff. If it's in his own room, why has he never looked in here before? And if she's keeping this stuff secret, why did she put it in his bedroom? Why do I look for logic in this show anymore? Michael says his mother's never told him all that much about her high-school days, so now he's going to snoop around for some answers. Ben pulls out a pompon, puts it on Michael's head, and announces that Debbie must have been a cheerleader. "Maybe those were Vic's," Michael says. Michael pulls out Debbie's old yearbook. They laugh at the girls' hairdos. "Really boring," Michael says. He turns to Debbie's picture. I freeze the TiVo so you can know everything it says to the picture of a young Sharon Gless:

Deborah Jane Grassi
AMB: Celebrate New Year's in every time zone!
P.D.: Celebrate every New Year's right here in the Pitt.
P.P.: Dishonest People.
P.S.: "S***, all my sayings have swears in them."
ACT: Yearbook, S.C. rep., Spirit Club, Parties, Parties, Parties

That's our little Debbie. Ben asks to see what Divina looked like. Michael flips the yearbook to a tiny black-and-white picture of Hal Sparks in glasses and a dumb shirt. God, can't we do a bit of Photoshopping? Even a little? And also, how could Debbie not know that this guy was gay?

Danny Devore [No middle name, please. That takes too much character development.]
AMB: Broadway Superstar
P.D.: NYC Cab Driver
P.P.: Stage Fright
P.S.: "Begone!"
ACT: Variety Show, Choir, Concert Band, Prom Committee, Spirit Club

Ben says the Divina looks pretty cute. "If you have a thing for dweebs," Michael pouts.

Strip club. Gary the creepy strip-club owner is doing "paperwork" that involves headshots and stacks of hundred-dollar bills. Justin coughs some attention and tells Gary that he was sent to talk to him about a job. Gary asks if Justin's ever danced professionally. Justin says he hasn't, but that he dances at the club all the time. Who dances at a strip club on the floor? Gary ignores Justin and asks him what makes him so special. Justin says he was King of Babylon. "Who wasn't?" Gary asks. He tells Justin there's no room at the inn. He tells Justin he's too busy right now. Justin stands there for a long time and then eventually walks away as the word "Horny" spins in a circle in the background.

Cut to naked Justin feet walking back along the bar. He stops over Gary. "One dance, that's all. If I suck, you can kick my ass out." Gary says that Justin doesn't have much of a body. Justin says he has a great ass and he's blond: "You have no idea how far that gets me." Gary is amused, for some reason, and lets Justin dance in his tighty-whities over Gary's head. Justin's so thin that it looks like a fourteen-year-old is dancing over Gary's stare. And the underwear isn't too flattering. Get him something smaller. This underwear shot brought to you by Levi's.

Cut to Justin dancing over Brian's head. Same outfit. Brian's apartment. Brian stops the music and tells Justin not to step on his Chinese food. Justin says Gary told Justin he'd be pulling $200 to $300 a night. Brian says that'd better be all Justin's pulling. Brian reminds Justin that he'll have homework to do as well. Justin asks what will happen if he neglects his schoolwork. Brian says he'll have to spank Justin. Justin laughs and dares Brian to try. Brian pulls Justin over his knees, pulls down his underwear, and spanks him. Justin's enjoying it until Mel and Lindz just walk right into the apartment. Does nobody hear the service elevator when it goes up? Brian says he'll have to remember to start locking his front door (in a very 1993 punchline: "Note to self"). Brian offers food to the girls as they talk about him like he's not in the room. Mel says that asking Brian to do something is pointless. Brian asks what's going on. Lindsay tells Brian she wants him to be her husband. "You already have one," he tells her. Seems that there's another interview at a new school, and they don't want Gus to get turned down because he has two mommies. The ladies are ready to sacrifice their principles to get Gus into a discriminatory school even though they were told that same-sex parents were welcome at the last school. I don't understand. Brian says, "Fuck that shit." Mel calls Brian a heterophobe. Justin agrees with Mel, neglecting to add that he's a heterophobe as well. Brian agrees that he is. Lindsay says she'd never ask Brian to compromise his values (except that she is because they are). Lindsay says it's not lying if they make you lie. She asks if Brian wants Gus to have the same advantages as all the other kids. Brian stirs his food.

Michael's grilling Vic as Vic pretends to read a magazine. Michael wants to know how long Debbie and Divina went out. Vic says he can't remember how long, whether it was serious, or if they were in love. He says it was a long time ago and that Michael should ask Debbie himself. At this point, Debbie walks in. Michael tries to ask, but Debbie's defensive. Michael's accusatory, asking why he looks so much like Divina. Debbie says Divina and Michael look nothing alike. Michael makes Debbie put her reading glasses on and check again. She does (she keeps them in her bra, by the way) and says she still sees no resemblance. She makes Vic lie and say that the picture of Hal Sparks in glasses looks nothing like Hal Sparks without glasses. Michael says they have the same eyes, nose, mouth, and chin. Debbie says she doesn't see it and that she's an expert on chins, since she has so many of them. Michael says he just wants to know the truth. Vic stands to excuse himself, but Debbie won't let him. Michael goes on about when he was born and when Divina left town and for Pete's sake we all get it already. Debbie scoffs. "Are you asking me if some old drag queen that I once knew in high school is your father?" YES. Debbie holds up a picture of John Michael Navotny and says that this is Michael's dad. He was a lieutenant in the army. Died in Vietnam, 1970, two weeks after Michael was born. Michael knows the story. He repeats it along with Debbie. Hey, who here thought Michael was totally kidding when he was making that videotape personals ad and said this bit about his dad? Michael says he's been told this story a million times, but that the guy in the frame looks nothing like him, and Michael knows nothing else about this guy who's supposed to be his dad. Michael asks who his grandparents are. Debbie says they're dead. Oh, that's it? Doesn't need to know more and never asked this before? He asks about aunts and uncles. Debbie says there aren't any. "So he's just a war hero?" Debbie's all, "'Just'!? They awarded him the purple heart!" She says he was on a rescue mission, carving his way through the jungle when a landmine exploded. Michael says she'd said it was a Jeep accident. Debbie says he was carving his way in a Jeep when it ran over a landmine. Can we stop this insanity now, please? Michael screams, she screams, Vic says this was all a long time ago and it doesn't matter now. Doesn't matter? It doesn't matter who his father is or how he might have died? Michael asks for the truth. Debbie spits that she's not a liar. She wanders out of the room, tottering back and forth.

Better kids at this school: they don't look right at me. Lindsay's asking Brian to behave. He promises not to mention dick if she doesn't talk about pussy. She asks him not to get in one of his moods. They enter the school. She tells him not to be nervous. He says if his heart rate was any lower he'd be dead.

Inside the school (and what a crappy first-grade-looking place it is for a day care pre-school). Lindsay and Brian are introduced as "The Kinneys" and led to the principal's office. Brian plays with toys until Lindsay barks at him to behave. He says she could send him to the principal's office, but he's already there. Lindsay says it's strange being there with him. She says she knew she'd have a child like Gus in a school like this, but she didn't think it'd be like this. "Well, there's no predicting," Brian says. "Oops, I said dick, didn't I?" Man. Lindsay asks Brian to be serious for a minute. Brian sits down, checks her watch, and says, "You're on." Lindsay laughs and says there was once a time when they first met that she thought this was what was going to happen to them. She asks if he felt the same way. He says he never did. "You wanted me to be serious," he says. "That doesn't mean I don't love you." Brian kisses Lindsay just as the principal comes to the door and calls them in. Lindsay blushes, but the principal says she thinks it's nice when young couples are affectionate, and thinks that children should see their parents be loving. She invites them in to discuss Gus.