Insert Brian Benben Joke Here

S02E12

Ted's at the gym getting spotted by a man with the dick that is large enough to blow from where I'm sitting in my living room. Ted can't stop staring at it. BigDick tells Ted to meet him over at the squats. Emmett leans in and declares, "I could definitely squat on that." The trainer is ridiculously named Rainer, and it turns out that Brian's already fucked Rainer the Trainer, which is obviously a no-brainer. Brian says that Rainer's like a German train: "He always comes in on time." Yikes. Michael shows up late, bragging about having more sex with Ben. What's with all the bragging from the losers? Michael and Brian make plans to go to Babylon tonight. Brian leaves so that Ted and Emmett can grill Michael to find out if he and Ben have broken up yet over the Brian thing. Michael's still blowing it all off. He says that Brian thinks of sex like a handshake. Emmett and Ted keep poking at Michael until he's hallucinating Ben and Brian going at it by the Soloflex. Yes, yes! Go at it by the Soloflex! Do it! "The sounds they make when they're coming," Ted says, and all of us are thrown out of the hallucination. What kind of friend would point this out? Michael starts pumping iron, and with each thrust, he imagines Ben and Brian thrusting, licking, biting, pushing, moaning, doing things that Mikey never got to do.

Justin's hand has completely healed, obviously, but he's still using his pen to draw on the computer. He's drawing a police sketch of Dumpster Boy for Debbie. She reminds Justin to put the dimple on Dumpster Boy's chin. Justin does. Jennifer is stocking the refrigerator with vegetables, wondering how they survive with the lack of food in the kitchen. Um, they eat at Debbie's diner five times a day. Who needs food when your insides are coated in Liberty Grease? Jennifer finds a bottle of poppers in the fridge and asks Justin what it is. He grabs it from her and says it's head cleaner. Jennifer makes the incredible non-Mom statement: "I didn't think you still listened to cassettes." Debbie asks Jennifer if she's going to help find out who Dumpster Boy is. Jennifer says that it's the job of the police. Debbie asks what Jennifer would want if it were her son who was dead in a dumpster. "It almost was," Jennifer says ominously, and we have to stare at Justin staring at Dumpster Boy for way too long.

Ted's arriving at his fancy-pants party, telling himself how cool he is. He can't believe his luck. He fakes a bad yawn to try to look bored. He reminds himself that he's way cool and even went to see a production of Assassins recently. Garth walks up and welcomes Ted. Ted hands Garth a bottle of wine as a gift. Garth stares at it like it's made out of aluminum foil and has the word "Jolt" across the side. Ted mentally kicks himself for not shelling out for the $65 wine. Ted is crazy here and makes faces to himself. Does he think nobody can see him? He's going to be put into a home. Garth smiles and says it's his favorite wine, which is exactly what I'd say to a crazy person who just gave me a gift and then made faces at himself as the voices in his head yelled at him. Ted snottily beams back that it's his as well. Garth introduces Ted to a psychiatrist and a gay cruise director. It sounds like the beginning of a joke, but unfortunately this never gets funny. Ted just starts babbling about his high school and Pittsburgh and accounting and the poor shrink and sailor are bored stiff, pissed that Garth left them with this loser. Man, Ted's such an ass. Why would he talk like that to people? He's creepy and so not funny. Not even endearing.