I don't know what I'm going to do about this show. I can't take the tiny hope that it will get better only to have it shattered by some of the crappiest soap-opera plot twists I've ever seen. Are we ready for the "Are You My Daddy?" crap storyline? Get a puke bucket ready.
Previously: Brian had sex with everybody, including Ben but not including Michael. A kid got killed and stuffed in a dumpster. Ted tried to mingle with richer people. Michael and Brian still haven't had sex. Not that any of that matters in this episode.
Playing pool. Justin rubs his dick over the corner pocket. Brian tells him Justin's breaking his concentration. Justin turns around and rubs his ass over the corner pocket instead. "You shouldn't have any trouble sinking into that hole," Emmett quips. Brian makes the shot and Justin moans with glee. Ben gropes Michael and asks for something to aim at. Ted is handing out fliers for a charity event, but nobody cares what Ted has to say ever. Brian complains that Ted's boring fundraiser costs a hundred bucks and that there's nothing there for your money. Michael says that Angels Over Pittsburgh isn't just another charity; they brought food to Vic every day he was sick. They really helped Michael and Debbie out. Ted says that's not enough. Brian says they need a big attraction. "Like Madonna," Justin says. "Or the Backstreet Boys." He means *NSYNC. Cowlip, you mean *NSYNC. The Backstreet Boys are as old as Christina Aguilera. Emmett suggests Pittsburgh's own Divina Devore. It's a kind of Bette Midler meets Divine kind of thing. Brian says a "worn-out old drag queen" isn't going to help. "What kind of homosexual are you?" Emmett asks. Brian answers, "The kind that fucks men." Queer As Folk: we don't mince words. Emmett says that Divina is a legend who's performed in front of presidents. Brian asks if it was Ulysses S. Grant or Chester A. Arthur. I guess Brian was a History major, because I don't know that many people that know ol' Chaz' middle initial when they bust out with some presidential trivia punchline. ["Maybe Brian just likes The Simpsons." -- Wing Chun] As Ben leans down to take his shot, Michael squats in front of the corner pocket. Michael says that if Divina were on the bill, Ted could sell lots of tickets. Ben shoots and the ball rolls towards Michael's mouth (which isn't open big enough to fit any decent-sized dick through). Ben misses. Michael pouts. The boys laugh.
Aah! Babies are staring at me again! We're at a center for early education/day care/fancy-pants place, but someone hired babies who don't understand the fourth wall. Creepy baby stares! The Day Care Lady (who I shall now nickname BadHair) is telling a group of parents that their center offers blah blah blah to "degree candidates" and blah blah expensive blah pretentious blah Montessori. Mel scoffs at the term "degree candidates," since the kids are pre-schoolers. How old is Gus now? BadHair says they'd love to let in all the kids, but they can't because then the center wouldn't be exclusive. Lindsay raises her hand and asks what determines the final decision. BadHair says the child's own unique talents and abilities will play a big part, but that they're also trying to create "the full spectrum of human diversity. Race, religion, socio-economic background." Mel asks, "What about sexual orientation?" Yep, gay kids, too. Lindsay asks if there are any same-sex-parented children currently enrolled in the school. BadHair says that there aren't, but they're going to do whatever they can to fix that situation. Lindsay smiles, knowing Gus is in because he's got two mommies.
The diner wall changes artwork. Now it's all Justin's. Debbie tries to sell one to a customer for fifty bucks. Doesn't work. The guy just rudely walks off, as one would expect. Debbie tells Justin that the customer didn't know dick about art. Suddenly, Jennifer is standing there. She chastises Justin for not telling her he had his own show at the diner. Justin says it's not the Museum of Modern Art. "That's !" Debbie shouts. Justin and Jennifer hug. He asks if she's hungry. She just ate, unfortunately. She sits down. Aren't you absolutely riveted? I mean, every scene has just been chock-full of driving storylines. Does Jennifer want lunch? Will the customer be interested in buying a framed print off a diner wall? Will the baby stop staring right at me? Jennifer says she needs to talk to Justin about his father. He's decided to stop paying for Justin's school. "That lame-ass shit," Justin says. "What's his feeble excuse?" Who talks like that? Jennifer says that Justin's father's having a hard time making ends meet with the stock market and having to pay for two entire households. "And he's a lame-ass shit," she concludes. She tells Justin that she'll help pay for his school. Justin says that Jennifer needs that money for herself and Molly. He says he'll take care of it himself. Who pays his rent? Brian? Does Justin have any expenses?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHH! Divina Devore is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Like Nathan Lane after cheating on Atkins. Her eyes are giant white pools of goo. Face slicked with sweat. And if she's such a superstar, why's she playing this shitty little theater in Pittsburgh? About nine tables in the room. Absolutely no stage presence. Lip-synching her own singing. Emmett, Ted, and Michael prance backstage right behind the stage manager. I guess anybody can go backstage if they're big enough fans. That's how it works, isn't it? As Divina finishes singing that she's one of the girls who's one of the boys, Emmett tells Michael and Ted that nobody makes a better woman than a gay man. Michael asks, "What woman looks like that? Big, red wig, tons of jewelry, gaudy clothes?" Emmett, Ted, and the stage manager all turn slowly to the screen as I shout, "Your mama!" They avoid the "your mama" joke and just make Michael say that his mother doesn't look like that. But man, Divina is the spitting image of Debbie, for real. And the stage manager knows Michael's mother? Divina leans back on the curtain as the audience politely applauds. She shouts, "Thank you, Pittsburgh! For reminding me why I left!" As she takes another bow, Ted hopes that Divina won't be "one of those maniac divas who thinks she's the center of the universe -- you know, snapping her fingers bossing people around."
Cue Divina snapping fingers, bossing, bitching. The stage manager can't figure out whether to call Divina "ma'am" or "sir." Why is this entire scene in a blue light? Nobody's having anal sex. I don't get it. Ted stops Divina and stammers that the show was "sparkling." "Bubbling," Emmett adds. "Effervescent," Ted finishes. "Stop, you'll make me burp," Divina jokes. Oh, my God. Divina's eyes. People, it's the grossest thing I've ever seen. She looks like Maggie Smith melting. How does someone get their eyes to droop so low? Michael also says he thought Divina's performance was stellar. Divina says it's flattering to get such praise from such nice young men. She tries to excuse herself, but Ted stops her to ask if she'll do the Angels Over Pittsburgh benefit. Divina mocks shock and flattery as she says, "I'd love to! If I didn't already spend half my life doing benefits. If I do any more, they'll have to throw one for me." Good day, sir. Ted tries a move that's supposed to read "jaw-dropping shock" but instead looks like "TMJ spasm with a hint of lockjaw on an airplane."
The production values on this show are worse than my third-grade Brownies tribute to the month of February. Brian and Justin sit in front of the saddest greenscreen in the land discussing Justin's money woes. Justin doesn't want Brian to pay for his school. I guess this is the one thing Brian doesn't get to pay. Justin's flattered that Brian wants to take care of him, but he wants to fix this problem on his own. He says he'll get another job, apply for a scholarship, and get more money on his own. There's an exterior shot of the Jeep, and for a second it's confusing because there's nobody in the passenger seat, which would mean that Brian's talking to himself, and that he's hallucinated Justin all this time. Maybe this whole Justin thing is just a dream. Maybe Brian's got A Beautiful Cock. Justin's so happy Brian has money that he pulls off his seatbelt and gives Brian a blowjob at a red light. The close-up is too close and we can see that Justin isn't sucking on anything, even though his hand is moving. The man in the car to Brian watches. Brian watches him back. Brian revs his engine.
Hee. The Angels Over Pittsburgh sign looks like an ad for Weight Gainer 2000. "Who the fuck wants to see some worn-out old drag queen, anyway?" Ted asks. Are they allowed to keep repeating lines over and over? Emmett says they'll find somebody else. Michael says something that Ben always says. Ted makes fun of Ben. Michael throws food at Ted's face. Oh, before I forget, thanks to all of you who sent me thank-you e-cards for saving you from the bad writing. That was really nice of you, and unexpected. I'm doing it again in this scene, but you don't have to send anything. Now I do it because I love you. I love you more than Cowlip will ever love you. I hope you remember that. Somebody let Vic out of his Novotny prison. They've also decided he can be a short-order chef again. Also, he just now gained the power of hearing, and finally hears the words "Divina Devore." Michael tells Vic again what he must have just heard. "She always was a selfish prick," Vic says. Emmett asks Vic how he knows Divina. Turns out Vic and Divina went to school together, back when Divina was "Danny Devore." Ted immediately uses his friends and tells Michael that he should ask Divina again, but mention Vic this time as a "personal connection." Emmett drones, "I thought you didn't even want her." Ted says that was before he found out she was a friend of the family. In what episode will people sit Ted down and tell him that he's become a very creepy man? Vic says that Divina probably wouldn't remember him anyway.
Lindsay's in pigtails, shouting to Mel from the porch. They've received a letter from Gus's would-be school. Any college graduate would know that a thin letter from a school is never a good sign. Lindsay and Mel banter a bit about what college Gus will want to go to. Lindsay opens the letter. Gus didn't get in. Mel reads the letter, baffled. "It's bullshit," she concludes. They thought Gus would get in because the school wanted "all different kinds of people." Lindsay spits, "Apparently not our kind of people." Do you guys think maybe Gus just isn't good enough for the fancy school? They just about licked both of your pussies right there at the school. Nope, must be because they're gay. Mel, the lawyer, instantly concludes that this is discrimination. The shaky-cam approaches Lindsay as she says, "Against our son. For something that has nothing to do with him." God, this show.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGUGUGGHHHH! Make it stop! Make Divina Devore's photo shoot stop! The photographer's talking in a voice-over, and Divina looks like a salamander dressed as Jackie O for Halloween. Michael just walks right into her hotel room (again, fans can do anything, including find out which hotel room a celebrity is in and then just walk right in demanding things). He asks if she'll change her mind. "I don't change my mind!" she shouts. "Only my underwear." It's like Bette Davis wrapped in cellophane. "Sassy!" the photographer voice-overs. Divina tells Michael to scram, so Michale doesn't. Instead, he tells Divina that his uncle was right. He tells Divina Vic's name. There's a rapid, subway-cam on Divina's face as she hears Vic's name. WAY TOO CLOSE! WAY TOO CLOSE! Back the fuck up from that face. Jesus, it's like a clown dressing up as a clown. Divina asks if he's the one Michael told her was sick. (Uh, when did that happen?) Michael says that Vic's doing a lot better now since he's on the cocktail. Divina sends her regards and asks if Debbie is Michael's mother. "You knew my mom?" Michael asks. "Knew her?" Divina shouts. "I DATED HER!" I guess you should wear that like a badge of honor. A purple heart. Divina says back then, she was a male impersonator and did a pretty good job. Her eyebrows are drawn up to her hairline and it looks like her real eyebrows are all stitched up Marilyn Manson-style. I'm terrified and I'll never sleep again. Divina asks if Debbie became a nurse like she always wanted. Michael says he never knew Debbie wanted to be a nurse. Why doesn't Michael know anything about anyone? "Just a waitress," Michael says. "Dear Michael, Being a waitress is a full time fucking job and a lot of fucking work and something you wouldn't know about since you sit on your ass reading comic books all day in a fantasy land where you'd be allowed to own a business. And, uh, weren't you just a stockboy at fucking K-Mart? Shut your shitty hole and give your mother some respect. Love, Waitresses and Waiters of the World." Divina says that Debbie's laugh could bring down a house. She certainly fucked up some of my plateware. Divina tells Michael that Debbie was a real looker. Michael replies, "Still is. Just, now there's more to look at." Horrible, rotten kid. Divina agrees to do the banquet. Michael thanks her. "Don't thank me," Divina says. "Pay me." Michael asks how long it's been since Divina saw his mother. Divina says it was the summer after graduation when he left town. I can't recap the two sentences because the close-up on Divina's face is so severe that I actually start crying. God. Like Emmett Kelly on crack.
Ted kisses Michael as a payment for getting Divina to sign on. Brian says he can't believe Debbie dated a drag queen. He wonders how anyone could tell them apart. "At least now we know who taught her how to do her hair," Emmett says. Brian tells Michael that this makes Debbie officially the biggest fag hag of all time. Debbie walks up all smiles, oblivious to the fact that they're all slapping "With Special Guest: Divina" stickers all over the diner. Brian lays it on her that Michael chatted with Divina recently, and that they found out that Debbie and Divina used to date. Debbie is shocked, angry, and grumpy. She says that Divina had no right to talk to Michael about Debbie's personal life. It was a million years ago. Really? Because I think Michael's only thirty. Oh, am I ruining something? Why is this taking so fucking long?
Naked dancing boys. Come to me. Yesssss. Thank you. Naked dancing boys make all the bad writing go away. No writing or dialogue for naked dancing boys. Just flesh. Sweet, toned flesh. Good flesh. Good music. Pumping. Good. Yes. Just forty more minutes of this, please. Please. Please.
Dammit. Justin sticks a dollar in the g-string of a dancing boy. Brian snaps a dollar out of a different stripper's g-string. Pretty sure not even Brian Kinney's allowed to swipe money from a stripper. Brian hands the cash back to Justin and reminds him that he's saving up for school. Justin's bummed, drinking his nine-dollar vodka tonic at a strip club, damning his fabulously expensive nightlife and the curse of needing so many expensive clothes. Ugh, there's some dirty money close to that man's penis. Brian asks if Justin found a job. Justin says he tried twenty restaurants and nobody's hiring. One day of job hunting and he's finished? Welcome to the real world, Justin. Where Monster.com makes you think there are jobs out there only to find out that there's nothing nowhere, anywhere. Justin says the financial aid office told him that Justin's father makes too much money to get aid. Don't I know that story. They don't care if your parents aren't giving you any money. Brian says his offer still stands. "So does my answer," Justin says. A stripper asks Brian and Justin to help him down from the table. "See?" Brian asks. "Some people know how to accept help." Justin and I roll our eyes at the same time. Justin watches the stripper pull money out of his crotch. Justin hands him another dollar and comments that it looks like he had a good night. The stripper says it's nothing compared to the weekend. You know how strippers love to count their money in front of the customers. Justin asks if they're looking for more dancers. "Gary's always looking," the stripper smiles. Brian and Justin are quiet, thinking. Brian walks away.
Heh. Very geeky picture of Michael and Brian in high school with their arms around each other. Ben and Michael are up in Michael's old room looking through things. Ben says that Michael was a fat dork in high school. He says that Michael was a dweeb and Brian was a spaz. What the hell is going on? Michael asks if a spaz is better or worse than a dweeb. Ben says it's far worse. He says he has a thing for dweebs. And dialogue like a spaz. Michael's going through a box he says is his mom's old stuff. If it's in his own room, why has he never looked in here before? And if she's keeping this stuff secret, why did she put it in his bedroom? Why do I look for logic in this show anymore? Michael says his mother's never told him all that much about her high-school days, so now he's going to snoop around for some answers. Ben pulls out a pompon, puts it on Michael's head, and announces that Debbie must have been a cheerleader. "Maybe those were Vic's," Michael says. Michael pulls out Debbie's old yearbook. They laugh at the girls' hairdos. "Really boring," Michael says. He turns to Debbie's picture. I freeze the TiVo so you can know everything it says to the picture of a young Sharon Gless:
Deborah Jane Grassi
AMB: Celebrate New Year's in every time zone!
P.D.: Celebrate every New Year's right here in the Pitt.
P.P.: Dishonest People.
P.S.: "S***, all my sayings have swears in them."
ACT: Yearbook, S.C. rep., Spirit Club, Parties, Parties, Parties
That's our little Debbie. Ben asks to see what Divina looked like. Michael flips the yearbook to a tiny black-and-white picture of Hal Sparks in glasses and a dumb shirt. God, can't we do a bit of Photoshopping? Even a little? And also, how could Debbie not know that this guy was gay?
Danny Devore [No middle name, please. That takes too much character development.]
AMB: Broadway Superstar
P.D.: NYC Cab Driver
P.P.: Stage Fright
P.S.: "Begone!"
ACT: Variety Show, Choir, Concert Band, Prom Committee, Spirit Club
Ben says the Divina looks pretty cute. "If you have a thing for dweebs," Michael pouts.
Strip club. Gary the creepy strip-club owner is doing "paperwork" that involves headshots and stacks of hundred-dollar bills. Justin coughs some attention and tells Gary that he was sent to talk to him about a job. Gary asks if Justin's ever danced professionally. Justin says he hasn't, but that he dances at the club all the time. Who dances at a strip club on the floor? Gary ignores Justin and asks him what makes him so special. Justin says he was King of Babylon. "Who wasn't?" Gary asks. He tells Justin there's no room at the inn. He tells Justin he's too busy right now. Justin stands there for a long time and then eventually walks away as the word "Horny" spins in a circle in the background.
Cut to naked Justin feet walking back along the bar. He stops over Gary. "One dance, that's all. If I suck, you can kick my ass out." Gary says that Justin doesn't have much of a body. Justin says he has a great ass and he's blond: "You have no idea how far that gets me." Gary is amused, for some reason, and lets Justin dance in his tighty-whities over Gary's head. Justin's so thin that it looks like a fourteen-year-old is dancing over Gary's stare. And the underwear isn't too flattering. Get him something smaller. This underwear shot brought to you by Levi's.
Cut to Justin dancing over Brian's head. Same outfit. Brian's apartment. Brian stops the music and tells Justin not to step on his Chinese food. Justin says Gary told Justin he'd be pulling $200 to $300 a night. Brian says that'd better be all Justin's pulling. Brian reminds Justin that he'll have homework to do as well. Justin asks what will happen if he neglects his schoolwork. Brian says he'll have to spank Justin. Justin laughs and dares Brian to try. Brian pulls Justin over his knees, pulls down his underwear, and spanks him. Justin's enjoying it until Mel and Lindz just walk right into the apartment. Does nobody hear the service elevator when it goes up? Brian says he'll have to remember to start locking his front door (in a very 1993 punchline: "Note to self"). Brian offers food to the girls as they talk about him like he's not in the room. Mel says that asking Brian to do something is pointless. Brian asks what's going on. Lindsay tells Brian she wants him to be her husband. "You already have one," he tells her. Seems that there's another interview at a new school, and they don't want Gus to get turned down because he has two mommies. The ladies are ready to sacrifice their principles to get Gus into a discriminatory school even though they were told that same-sex parents were welcome at the last school. I don't understand. Brian says, "Fuck that shit." Mel calls Brian a heterophobe. Justin agrees with Mel, neglecting to add that he's a heterophobe as well. Brian agrees that he is. Lindsay says she'd never ask Brian to compromise his values (except that she is because they are). Lindsay says it's not lying if they make you lie. She asks if Brian wants Gus to have the same advantages as all the other kids. Brian stirs his food.
Michael's grilling Vic as Vic pretends to read a magazine. Michael wants to know how long Debbie and Divina went out. Vic says he can't remember how long, whether it was serious, or if they were in love. He says it was a long time ago and that Michael should ask Debbie himself. At this point, Debbie walks in. Michael tries to ask, but Debbie's defensive. Michael's accusatory, asking why he looks so much like Divina. Debbie says Divina and Michael look nothing alike. Michael makes Debbie put her reading glasses on and check again. She does (she keeps them in her bra, by the way) and says she still sees no resemblance. She makes Vic lie and say that the picture of Hal Sparks in glasses looks nothing like Hal Sparks without glasses. Michael says they have the same eyes, nose, mouth, and chin. Debbie says she doesn't see it and that she's an expert on chins, since she has so many of them. Michael says he just wants to know the truth. Vic stands to excuse himself, but Debbie won't let him. Michael goes on about when he was born and when Divina left town and for Pete's sake we all get it already. Debbie scoffs. "Are you asking me if some old drag queen that I once knew in high school is your father?" YES. Debbie holds up a picture of John Michael Navotny and says that this is Michael's dad. He was a lieutenant in the army. Died in Vietnam, 1970, two weeks after Michael was born. Michael knows the story. He repeats it along with Debbie. Hey, who here thought Michael was totally kidding when he was making that videotape personals ad and said this bit about his dad? Michael says he's been told this story a million times, but that the guy in the frame looks nothing like him, and Michael knows nothing else about this guy who's supposed to be his dad. Michael asks who his grandparents are. Debbie says they're dead. Oh, that's it? Doesn't need to know more and never asked this before? He asks about aunts and uncles. Debbie says there aren't any. "So he's just a war hero?" Debbie's all, "'Just'!? They awarded him the purple heart!" She says he was on a rescue mission, carving his way through the jungle when a landmine exploded. Michael says she'd said it was a Jeep accident. Debbie says he was carving his way in a Jeep when it ran over a landmine. Can we stop this insanity now, please? Michael screams, she screams, Vic says this was all a long time ago and it doesn't matter now. Doesn't matter? It doesn't matter who his father is or how he might have died? Michael asks for the truth. Debbie spits that she's not a liar. She wanders out of the room, tottering back and forth.
Better kids at this school: they don't look right at me. Lindsay's asking Brian to behave. He promises not to mention dick if she doesn't talk about pussy. She asks him not to get in one of his moods. They enter the school. She tells him not to be nervous. He says if his heart rate was any lower he'd be dead.
Inside the school (and what a crappy first-grade-looking place it is for a day care pre-school). Lindsay and Brian are introduced as "The Kinneys" and led to the principal's office. Brian plays with toys until Lindsay barks at him to behave. He says she could send him to the principal's office, but he's already there. Lindsay says it's strange being there with him. She says she knew she'd have a child like Gus in a school like this, but she didn't think it'd be like this. "Well, there's no predicting," Brian says. "Oops, I said dick, didn't I?" Man. Lindsay asks Brian to be serious for a minute. Brian sits down, checks her watch, and says, "You're on." Lindsay laughs and says there was once a time when they first met that she thought this was what was going to happen to them. She asks if he felt the same way. He says he never did. "You wanted me to be serious," he says. "That doesn't mean I don't love you." Brian kisses Lindsay just as the principal comes to the door and calls them in. Lindsay blushes, but the principal says she thinks it's nice when young couples are affectionate, and thinks that children should see their parents be loving. She invites them in to discuss Gus.
Debbie is standing at Divina's hotel door. She says she'd never in a million years recognize him. AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGUHHHH!!! No wig, just scary makeup and tiny dagger nails. Red robe. I'm crying again. Divina says that thirty years is a long time. "Try thirty-one," Debbie laughs. "But who's counting?" Divina invites her in and asks if she'd like a drink. Debbie giggles and says she doesn't need one.
Debbie enters breathlessly and says with much class, "Gah, you got more shit than I do!" Divina says it takes longer these days to look fabulous. Debbie starts going through Divina's jewelry. "Is this real?" she cackles. "Honey, I wish," Divina says. She asks Debbie how she's doing. "My Divina," she purrs. Turns out that was her nickname for Debbie. Divina gives Debbie a recap on her own life and then asks Debbie why she never told her that she had a son. I'm gonna have to switch to a masculine pronoun soon. He of the scary makeup. The dialogue here is so fucking crappy that Days of Our Lives went, "Whatever. Get to the point, gabby! Oh, you're his long-lost drag queen father? Couldn't have guessed that forty minutes ago!" Heeeeeeeee. The sentence is actually this: "Only at first I couldn't figure out who it was. Then when I discovered you were his mother I realized. I was looking at myself. In a mirror. Through time. Why? Didn't you? Ever! Tell me?" Worst. Episode. Ever. Debbie tells him that he'd already left town: "Run off to the big city to be a big star!" Oh, for fuck's sake. Debbie asks if she was just supposed to call him up, tell him he was a father, and demand that he come back to marry her. He says it must have taken a lot of courage for her to decide to have Michael and raise him on her own. "It was the easiest decision I ever made," Debbie says sagely. Divina wraps his robe around him like there's a chill, and asks who Michael thinks his father is. Debbie says it was a soldier who died in Vietnam. She picked his name out of the paper and changed her own name to match. Divina says she went through a lot of trouble to make sure Michael never found out. "I wanted him to have a hero," Debbie says. Ouch. "And I could never be that," Divina says. Why, because he's gay? It might have made Michael understand himself better. Debbie says, "It wasn't so much that you were gay, Danny." Except that it was. "I always kind of suspected. In fact, that's probably why I liked you. It's that you lied to me." Oh, this is such bullshit. Divina tells Debbie she wasn't the only one he lied to. "I lied to myself as well. I wanted to be something I wasn't." I can't believe she won't let Michael know his real father because he's gay. I can't take thisAfterschool crap anymore. "And he sure as hell didn't need to know his dad was a drag queen," Debbie says. So much for P-FLAG. Debbie's mad that Michael's figured out all the lies. She's worried that he'll never believe her again. Since she's a liar. She tells Divina to lie to Michael some more and not get to meet his biological son. Fucking bullshit, is what it is. I hope she can't sleep at night.
Lindsay comes home and fills Mel in on the interview with Brian. She says that the reps from the school sound like they were impressed. Mel and Lindsay are dressed almost exactly alike. They sit together in the living room. Mel rubs Lindsay's foot and coos at her. Lindsay tells Mel that Brian was perfect in there. Everything was perfect. "Should have been you and me in there," Lindsay says like she's Irish. Mel says it was Lindsay's idea to pretend they were hetero. Lindsay realizes now that it's harder to pretend to be something you're not, and not to allow a child to have the parents he was born with is doing more harm than good. Why do we have the same storyline for both the A and B stories? Mel says the ends can sometimes justify the means. The phone rings. It's the school. They've turned down Gus because they want a student with same-sex parents. Or maybe Gus really is a shitty candidate. Mel says they'll sue for discrimination. Lindsay laughs and laughs and laughs. Poor Gus will have to go to an average school like the rest of us. There is an incredible amount of bad acting at the end of this scene, with Mel and Lindz panting air like they don't know how to act shocked. Fake laughing mixed with fake outrage looks like dinner theatre. Lindsay is breathless as she announces the life lesson she learned from all of this. Mel pulls her down by her foot and fingers her.
Justin's dancing in an angel's outfit. The angel at the go-go booth has tons of cash in his shorts. Justin does not. Emmett, Michael, and Brian are pouting at the bar. Brian's trying to ignore his half-naked boyfriend grinding for tips. Emmett says that when he was in school, he had a part-time job walking dogs. He notes that he didn't know he could have made money wagging his own tail instead. Wah waaaaaaaaah. Ted walks up and brags about the turnout. He says it's all because of Michael. He kisses Mikey, who then moans a "See ya." He starts to pout off, telling Brian to leave him alone. Instead he yells that he can't believe his mother lied to him his entire life about who his father was. Brian says he doesn't know for sure. Why does everyone keep lying to him? Michael says he can't believe his father was Judy Garland and not a war hero. "Would you have preferred Bette Davis?" Brian asks. Because that's who he got, really. Michael mumbles, "Maybe I should just forget it." I have no idea what he's talking about there, either.
Divina takes the stage in a giant angel costume, singing "Heaven." Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Someone dug up Carol Channing, put her on an angel Popsicle stick, and called it Divina Devore. Terrifying. Ted is shocked at the stage show, which is strange because I'm sure he was in charge of some kind of rehearsal. It's just a hydraulic lift, Ted. "He's up there!" Ted screams five minutes later. Whatever. Michael's pouting over his living gay dad. Somehow the stage show starts to win him over. He smiles and laughs. Divina keeps singing. Michael looks at Brian in slow motion and shoves him off-camera. I don't know why, either. Everyone cheers as Michael just stands there looking at the ground. He smiles back upwards again.
We can still hear Divina singing as we're backstage watching Divina take off her clothes. Dear God, she's going to take off her clothes. Please start with the makeup. Please! No, it's the wig. Michael asks to come in. Divina says he can. She shakes Michael's hand and tells him to take care of himself. Michael asks for another favor. He holds out his mother's high-school yearbook and asks if Divina can see the resemblance between the two of them. Once again, another person tells Michael that there's no resemblance between a picture of Hal Sparks and Hal Sparks. Fucking whatever. Get on with it, y'all. Blah blah, "if you squint," blah blah. Michael finally asks point blank, "Are you my father?" Divina says it's not right to answer as he gets out of his gown. He tells Michael that he never had sex with Debbie because he's gay. Michael says that Divina told him she used to "bat for the other team." Divina tells him that drag queens are notorious liars. Michael says Debbie told him his father's a war hero. He says the story keeps changing and that there's only one picture. Michael says that he's not making any demands, and doesn't even ask that they stay in touch. He just wants to know the truth. Divina walks back into the room dressed as a man. He says the one truth he's learned in all his years is that the truth is what you choose to believe. When he's onstage, people believe he's Divina Devore not because he's a great female impersonator, but because they want to. Michael asks what all of this rhetoric has to do with whether Divina's his father or if his mother lied to him. Thank you! Danny says that Debbie gave Michael something to believe in: a hero. A father to be proud of. Not some gay drag queen nobody can be proud of. He says that's the truth, and that it's up to Michael to believe it. I hate this.
Empty strip club. The benefit was at a strip club? So confused. Justin tells Gary he thought he'd get more tips. Gary says it was only his first night, and that it takes a while to work up to dancing on the bar, where the real money is. Justin says he wanted to make more than he makes at the diner. Gary says it'll be about six months. Justin says he needs money now to pay for school. We never see Justin go to school. Gary says that Justin can work his way up faster if he has sex with him. Justin says no. Gary says it's up to Justin if he doesn't want a couple of thou a month. That's it? A couple of thousand dollars a month? For prostitution and stripping? After saying he'll make three to four hundred a night as it is? Do they think we don't understand math? Justin can't resist the idea of one thousand whole dollars and offers up his dick to Gary, who can't help immediately taking it in his mouth. Wouldn't Gary most likely want Justin to suck his dick instead? Justin almost cries but doesn't stop Gary.
Justin goes home beaming, bragging to Brian that he is going to get to dance on the bar tomorrow. Brian, who's up late working, remarks that it's awful soon to be moved up. "Told you I could take care of myself," Justin brags. Brian keeps working on the computer. Justin walks over and kisses Brian on the mouth. Brian looks suspicious. "Yeah, I guess you can," he says.
Debbie's putting the fake dad away. Michael walks in and asks why she's taking down "Dad's shrine." Debbie says it's stupid to have it up anyway. Out with the fake, in with the strained. Debbie says there's no need to pretend anymore. Michael says the truth is just as she said. "My father is Lieutenant John Michael Novotny. Died in Vietnam, April 10, 1970. He was killed just two weeks after I was born when the Jeep he was driving ran over a landmine that was carving a path through the jungle on a mission to save his troops. Right, Ma?" "Right," Debbie says through tears. "For which he was posthumously awarded the Purple Heart." Michael holds it up, and I wonder where Debbie found herself a Purple Heart to put on the fake shrine. Debbie sighs. "And his last words were, 'Tell my son I love him more than life itself.'" "'And I'll always be proud of him,'" Michael finishes. Debbie and Michael embrace as the camera lifts, and I really have to wonder why they've decided that Michael doesn't get to know his real father because Debbie was a single mom. I honestly don't get it. Wouldn't Divina want to know her son, too? Oh, forget it. I give up. Apparently on this show, being gay means you can't be yourself, can't be someone's parent, shouldn't be someone's parent, can't get married, shouldn't get married, should be lied to, should fuck around, should fuck for money, should suck cock constantly, and moan to the world that everyone hates you because of who you are. Why can't Cowlip make people act like people? week will Brian die and come back as his evil twin brother? Will Lindsay fall in a vat of acid in some evil magician's trick gone horribly awry? What's ?
is in two weeks. More Dumpster Boy action. Justin's a go-go slut. Pickle's gonna take Emmett on a trip around the world for a year. Michael tells the cop to stay away from Debbie. Justin's doing coke and not homework. And Melanie gets amnesia and suddenly remembers she's actually a princess from another planet.