The Wedding

Cut to a pinball machine, where Michael's playing a mean pinball. He asks what you get two dykes who have everything. "Dykes don't have everything. That's why they're so miserable." Hi, Brian. Guess you're not dead. Then why the fuck did we have to watch you ominously leave for half an hour last week? Michael says he can't afford matching penis transplants. "Silver plated dental dams?" Ted offers. "A specially-engraved double-headed dildo?" Emmett chimes in. Why aren't they at the bachelorette party? If Mel and Lindz have so many gay girlfriends, why don't they get to be on the show more? Ben offers a gift of "stemware." "Dildos are stemware," Emmett jokes. Ha. Justin suggests they get them a water buffalo: "Lesbians are into endangered species." Why don't I get that joke? "Unfortunately they are one of them," Brian jokes. I thought that was the joke Justin was making. Michael says they need to get the girls something really special that shows they care. Emmett says he'd help, but he's too busy doing something that shows he cares about himself. Emmett's buying himself a new ass. Everyone tells Emmett that going under the knife could be risky. Brian says that they might accidentally sew up his asshole. Well, I'm sure Brian could loan Emmett another one, since he's an asshole enough for all of them. Emmett bests my joke by telling Brian he'll have to "chew him a new one" since he's so good at that. Ben tells Emmett to wait a week until Mercury's out of retrograde. Justin teases Ben for believing in that shit. Ben says there's evidence that upheavals in the solar system can affect Earth. Someone accidentally gave Brian this line: "Blaming the planets for your fuck-ups is just an excuse to not to accept responsibility." Who said that? What? The power goes out for a second, but it's not God punishing Brian. It's the hot bartender, who's ready to announce the winner of a charity raffle. The winner gets an all-expense-paid trip for two to Miami for a "White Party." The raffle tickets must have been expensive, because the bartender is picking out of a tiny jar holding about thirty tickets. "And the luckiest trick in Pittsburgh is...Brian Kinney." No kidding. "I don't know," he says. "The planets don't seem to be fucking with me." Michael asks how Brian plans to go away and still be in Mel and Lindsay's wedding. If it was the same weekend, why did they all enter the contest? Can they only fly out on one plane? Is there only one plane that goes to Miami that whole weekend? I had no idea. Brian shrugs and walks up to accept his prize.

"Oh, no," Uncle Vic moans. Mikey stops plunging the sink so that he and Debbie can run over and ask Vic if he's okay. Vic's fine, but his disability benefits might be taken away. Debbie says a sentence with three cuss words and the word "universe," so we know that pesky Mercury has something to do with the fact that Vic might lose his monthly checks. Then Michael says, "Ben says it has something to do with Mercury." Way to pay attention when your boyfriend talks, Mike. Michael offers to help out. With what? Vic pants like a martyr and says, "Michael, this is a sign. If I lose my benefits then...I'll just have to get back to work." Michael asks if he's sure. Vic says that once upon a time, he was a "pretty decent" chef. Debbie goes on about how Vic was "another Sara Lee." If Vic was such an impressive cook, why doesn't he cook around the house? Why hasn't Michael ever learned this before? Vic says the trick will be finding someone willing to hire him. Wait. He hasn't lost his benefits yet. Why does he have to get a job today? Vic says nobody will want to hire him when they know he's HIV-positive. Debbie tells him to stop talking himself out of a job before he even gets one. She tells him he can work at her diner. It'll be fun, working together. Vic laughs. "Come on!" Debbie smiles. Wait, so why does he have to start working today, again? Oh, right. Mercury is in Comedic Subplots.

Mel's on the phone with someone who has lost an order. Losing her patience, Mel asks to talk to someone who speaks English as a first language. Man, I think that's the rudest shit someone can say to a person over the phone. I hate that so much. Even when someone's English is shaky, it doesn't mean that's why he or she isn't good at his or her job. People are shitty workers no matter what their nationalities, y'all. Don't blame a second language as a barrier to your communication problems. Just ask to speak to a manager or someone who does the job correctly. You don't have to get all racist. Love, Pamie (the former telemarketer/ fundraiser/ desk clerk/ Taco Bell cashier/ movie theater box office ticket person who's dealt with five million asshole customers in her lifetime and isn't putting up with another second of your pansy-ass bullshit that makes you be a total dick to people just because your parents gave you too much attention as a child). Gus, who's now about three years old, is wearing a bib that reads "Spit Happens." Mel screams to Lindsay that Gus just ate the seating plan. She fails to mention that it's because she left the seating plan on Gus's baby chair, which is where they put things for him to eat. Mel's asking the person on the phone what they plan on serving their picky-eater/ vegan/ Kosher guests, but we don't find out an answer because Lindsay's hyperventilating. Mel hangs up on the person she's been insulting and comes over to Lindsay's side. Lindsay slowly pants that she's having a panic attack, and for some reason Mel makes her say all of the syllables and doesn't stop her at the first obvious one. "Oh, my God!" Mel says when Lindsay's done overacting, out-overacting with three words what Lindsay did in nineteen pants and hand-shakes. Lindsay complains that she can't even put on a shoe, and then shows us that she, indeed, can't put on a shoe. She whimpers and pants that she's as big as the Michelin Man as Lindsay grabs a paper bag from the couch. Mel dumps a bunch of toys off the couch and sits Lindsay down. Mel straddles Lindsay as Lindz moans that she's never going to be able to fit into her dress. Brian lets himself in at this point and cracks that he thought they agreed to no lesbian sex in front of the baby. "Fuck off, Brian!" they say in unison. Brian says he just dropped by to let them know he isn't going to the wedding. The girls freak out like Brian was supposed to lead the ceremony, as if this isn't typical Brian Kinney behavior. They call him a selfish prick. Brian tells them that they don't really want him at the wedding, anyway. He'd be drunk, bored, and better-looking than the brides. He'd end up dancing on a table, fucking every guy there -- gay or straight -- and then he'd pass out naked bitching about the cheap booze. There's a strange noise of a woman screaming at this point and I'm wondering if it's supposed to be a dog barking or some kind of aural demonstration of Brian's sex antics. Whatever. Brian tells the girls that he's doing them a favor by being out of town. The girls pause one, two, three and then say in unison, "Have a safe trip."

They've changed Ted's hair in such a way that I don't recognize him for a second. He's almost attractive. He's panting, telling Michael that he can't walk any further looking for a present for the girls. Michael points out that they've only walked about three blocks, but that's way too much for Ted, who complains that it's really tedious to shop for lesbians. Try not to care too much, Ted. You might not be an asshole for five seconds. Michael says that they should get the girls something romantic, like lingerie. Ted cracks that lingerie isn't romantic at all. He tells Michael that dykes like power tools. You know what? Any girl wants her own set of power tools; I don't have to lick pussy to want to be able to hang my own frames. Yikes. Ted wants to buy $500 power tools. Do the tools lick pussy? Because why else would you need a $500 drill? Ted makes a joke about Ben and screws up so bad that I don't even recognize it as a joke. Michael complains that he's broke, so Ted says he'll pay for both of them. Ted's strange pager/ Palm Pilot/ text messenger thing beeps and tells him he's either got a threeway at half past four or a fourway at half past three. In any event, he's got to leave so that the situation comedy can begin. He hands Michael $500. Mikey asks if he's supposed to buy the lingerie or the power tools. Ted says it's up to Michael, adding that Ted knows whatever Michael decides will be the perfect gift. He kisses Michael goodbye and walks away as all people do when they're hanging out together shopping downtown. The continuity is so fucked in this shot that the extras keep changing with all of the camera angles. Michael's about to walk into the power tools store when some music from The Lion King starts up and Michael's mysteriously drawn to an alley. You guys, this is all so dumb, but I'll recap it anyway.

There's a Jamaican-kinda man in the alley, welcoming Michael with a "mon." He's got a blanket covered with statues. Michael says they're beautiful. The Jamaican tells him that they're from this little country near Chad called "Chuck" where his "people" have been living for a very long time, "making love and art." They made these statues themselves. Michael's drawn to one particular female statue that's got drooping titties down to her ankles. I think Michael's never seen a woman naked before, because he thinks the statue is pretty. Also, Michael's never been out of the house before, because you can buy a replica of this statue at Pier One for, like, nine dollars. The Jamaican tells Michael that it's a goddess of love. He tells him that it costs six hundred dollars. What shit do you buy on the street for six hundred dollars? Besides drugs, I mean. Michael stupidly says he's only got five hundred on him. In cash. While he's all alone in this alley. Mr. Jamaica states that he meant six hundred "Chuck Dollars" which translate into five hundred American. Sold to the dumbest bidder.

Brian's going through his wardrobe looking for the perfect clothes to the White Party. I'm assuming he's going to go with white clothes. Call me crazy. Brian throws the clothes at Justin, who complains that he thought Brian's "all-expense-paid fuckfest" was only for the weekend. Brian says that each party has its own theme and a strict dress code. The White Party, the muscle beach party, the Cabana boy contest, and such. As Brian plans out all of the cock he's gonna get, Justin complains about the list of lame things he has to do, like attending the wedding and writing letters to his grandmother. Brian has decided to use his other ticket to bring Justin along. Because nothing helps a weekend of fucking strangers like bringing your boyfriend. Justin thanks him and kisses his neck. He stops: "Shit. What am I going to wear?" Everybody loves themselves some themselves.

Babylon. Hot kissing dancing guys. Our boys are simply staring at their places on the catwalk. What day is it? Mikey's boasting about the gift, but tells Ted it'll have to be a surprise. Brian boasts that he's bought Melanie and Lindsay the best gift of all -- his absence. Emmett brings three pictures of his potential fake ass, asking the boys to pick their favorite. The picture of Emmett playing the Coppertone baby, shocked at how perfect his ass has become, is hysterical. Ben tells Emmett that Ass #1 is just like Michael's. I'm sure Emmett already knows that, since he lived with Michael for a number of years. Brian says that #2 is just like the rear-end of a '72 Impala. Whatever that means. Ted says that #3 is pert and perky, but probably too small for the rest of Emmett's features. Emmett decides to ask the "artist." Justin picks the one with form, function, and good taste. Brian says that Emmett doesn't want an ass with good taste; he wants an ass that tastes good. Emmett thanks Justin and asks if they should go off to dance. Brian says he needs his strength for the White Party. Ted cracks that Brian's so old, he should be going to the Grey Party. Michael tells Brian that he should be going to the wedding. Brian says that Michael can cry for both of them, and then walks off. Michael follows. Ben just stands there, getting as ignored as any of Michael's boyfriends.

On the stairs, Michael and Brian have an entire conversation without needing to raise their voices over the loud, pulsing music. Michael tells Brian that he bails every time something big happens. Brian bails on the conversation. Michael tells Brian that he's afraid to let anyone know that he loves them: "That you have feelings like the rest of us." Michael leans down to Brian's ear and says, "It's okay to be human, you know." I'd be all, "What? I can't hear you over the house beat! I refuse to hear corny gestures and clichd writing when I'm trying to dance, motherfucker! I just wanna dance! I'm Brian Fuckin' Kinney, my motherfuckin' brother!" Because at this point, why not. We've seen this fucking scene three hundred times already. Might as well shake it up at some point. Brian says that the real reason he's bailing is because he'd rather get laid. To finish off the scene we've seen a million times, Brian plants a big one on Michael's mouth and then leaves. Ben's right there asking Mikey if Brian always kisses him like that. "About four times a year," Michael lies. "Usually when he's really drunk or he wants me to shut up." Or when you're doing drugs in a bathroom stall. Or when you're lonely. Or when he's lonely. Or when you're eating Chinese food. Or when it's Tuesday. Ben kisses Michael's neck and says none of the fifty things he has every right to say at this point.

Debbie's teaching Vic how to take an order. Debbie says it's as easy as reading an order and then making it. She tells Vic that there's never any reason to panic, and that she'll be there the entire time. She winks and pops her gum. She gives a thumbs-up and walks off.