Previously: Mikey liked Ben again. Ted was a walking dick joke. Brian fucked his mom's minister. Then she found out. Debbie doesn't like that Ben kid, but Michael is in love.
We open with the pages of Captain Astro as Michael narrates the dialogue for us. Captain Astro is dying, killed by Morphisto with a virus he can't beat. "This is so fucking cool," Michael tells us, since we can't tell. At one point, the virus-filled Captain Astro speaks in Ben's voice as he begs for help. Mikey is shocked. Captain Astro is dead. His hero has died. I can't imagine he wouldn't have known this was going to be the last issue where the lead character is killed off. Didn't they end Spiderman with him dying or something like that? I know nothing about comics. Obviously. ["It was Superman, I think -- and it didn't last, anyway." -- Wing Chun]
Diner. Mikey is telling his friends about Captain Astro's unfortunate demise. Everyone is sad for Michael. Brian says he's sure Captain Astro will return from the dead. Michael says he already called the publisher. There's no more Captain Astro. Debbie turns around all smiles. "They killed him," Michael tells her. Debbie becomes solemn, wondering which one of their friends is now deceased. When she finds out it's Captain Astro, she smacks Michael in the head and tells him never to scare her like that again. For real, Michael. It's time to be a grown-up sometimes, you know? Ted tells Mikey that Captain Astro lived a long and productive life during which he saved the world many times. Emmett chimes in that the Captain still looked good in Spandex at his age, which is quite an accomplishment. Mikey says that "the word on the net" (which you guys can take to be a shout-out, I think) is that they killed Captain Astro off because people thought he was gay. Don't you think Batman and Robin would have been killed off by now? Wait, was it Batman that was killed off? Comic books: I know nothing. Justin says that if the rumors are true, then Captain Astro's death was a hate crime. Ted reminds everyone that Captain Astro was a comic-book character. Mikey says that he was a hero to kids that don't have heroes, and now he's gone. Too bad Dr. Dave didn't get this kind of mourning when their relationship died.
Lindsay and Melanie are picking out wedding stuff. This time it's the place setting and menu. Everything is very, very French. So French that I can't tell you what she's saying. Mel translates for us, saying that the first plate is basically a "blue plate special" of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and iceberg lettuce with Russian dressing. The one is even Frencher, and they don't even bother with the translation. Mel just calls it "Marie Antoinette's last meal." The wedding lady tells them it's fifty bucks a head. "Let them eat wedding cake," Mel replies. Lindsay finds the most expensive place setting, the "Feast of feasts," and falls in love with it immediately. It's filet mignon from New Zealand and African lobster. $125 a person. The French lady doesn't like it when Mel mocks the price range. She leaves Mel and Lindz alone to discuss their "special day."
Cut to lesbian bar with the shaky cam that tells us "The Relationship Is Shaky." Mel is telling Leda how French and snooty everything was. Lindsay says she can't believe that Mel's still carrying on about it. Leda asks which dish they picked. Lindsay says they haven't decided yet, but that she's leaning towards the crazy expensive meal. Mel jokes that they fly the cow in first class. Leda looks at her scary-looking girlfriend and laughs. Lindsay reminds Mel that it's their "special day." Mel moans about how stupid that "special day" thing is. Lindsay is pissed off, and snarks that they don't have to have a "sit-down dinner" at all. They can have the reception there at the bar with Happy Hour prices and a free bucket of wings. Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it, Lindz. Mel tells Lindz she's being ridiculous. Lindz says that Mel's being ridiculous for counting every nickel and dime. Mel reminds Lindz that they don't have any of the nickels and dimes she's counting. Leda reminds the girls that even though they're dykes, they're still ladies, and they might want to control themselves in public. Mel tells Lindsay that she didn't grow up a "spoiled little rich girl" like Lindsay did, so money means something to her. Yeah, here's the time and place to say things like that to your partner. Mel tells Lindsay that her entire world view is based on Santa bringing her every little thing she's ever asked for. Lindsay says that Santa did not bring her everything. She storms past the shaky cam into the coat room (this dive bar has a coat room?) and informs Mel that Santa never brought her some cashmere cardigan thing. I instantly hate Lindsay. She says she thought this time they could be extravagant. She figures Mel would rather go to "Weddings for Less" or, even better, not have a wedding at all. Mel doesn't think that's such a bad idea. Neither do I, at this point. Lindsay storms off through the quietest, smokelessest, emptiest bar in all of Pittsburgh. Mel follows. Leda delivers a line, badly, to the effect that breeders can have the weddings, as she almost kisses her girlfriend. It's such a bad delivery that it looks like she might be having a stroke or something. It would excuse the head wiggling breathlessness she suddenly acquires to stall the not-kissing going on.
Okay, squint your eyes, because it's going to be the most shocking moment of this show's history. Emmett's getting head from the Pickle Majesty. Emmett is very pleased with the blowjob he just received, and praises the Pickle. I'm just calling him Pickle from now on because his last name is too long and I hate the name "George." Pickle says that, at his age, technique is everything. Emmett says that what the Pickle does is art. We watch Emmett and Pickle entwine their naked bodies. We watch it from across the room. They're just a pile of naked legs and ass cracks. Yikes, it's bony. Pickle tells Emmett that he can't understand why Emmett would be interested in an old guy like himself when there are pretty young things out there for Emmett. Emmett tells Pickle that those pretty young things are pretty boring, and that there's nothing to talk about after the quick sex. But old guys have lots of stories! Pickle and Emmett kiss sweetly. Emmett's gotta go to meet the boys at Babylon. Pickle admits he's only really been to a gay dance club once. Emmett can't believe that Pickle's only been in a place full of queers one time. Pickle reminds Emmett that he's been to the opera many times, so that counts as well. Emmett decides that tonight is the night Pickle's going to try it. The man's probably pretty tired, Em. Emmett dances in his underwear while standing over Pickle. Poor Pickle. You know he just wants his nap.
Babylon. Everybody's dancing holding water bottles. Justin and Brian appear to be doing some kind of drug. Ted's trying to get Michael to cheer up, finally, about the whole Captain Astro thing. Brian teases Michael for crying about it. Michael's pretty defensive. Ted suggests Mikey take a drink. Justin suggests Mikey take drugs. Brian suggests Mikey take a boy. Michael reminds everyone that he's seeing somebody. They all tell Michael that he's not really seeing anyone, since he's not getting married, he and Ben don't live together, and they don't have a firm commitment. Michael says he doesn't want the same arrangement Brian and Justin have. Justin points out a dancing boy and asks if Brian likes him. Brian thinks he's too tall. The one's too hairy. They make a Goldilocks and the Three Bears joke. Justin tells Mikey and Ted that both he and Brian have to agree on the guy before they get to take someone home. They see Emmett and his Pickle. Justin calls Pickle the "Crypt Keeper." Hee. Michael says that Pickle should be exactly Justin's type: old and not too hairy. Brian is unamused. Emmett introduces Pickle to the group. It's only awkward until Pickle says he's pretty sure he knows everybody from Emmett's stories. He calls Ted the "entrepreneur," and thanks him for showing him Emmett. He calls Mikey "the devoted friend." He calls Justin courageous. He recognizes Brian as the "love child of James Dean and Ayn Rand." The boys love it when someone talks about them, so they toss their ageism aside as Brian offers to buy Pickle a drink. Emmett's brought Pickle out to dance, and pulls Pickle away to the dance floor. Suddenly, Emmett's friends love the Pickle, because the Pickle talked about them. Emmett and Pickle dance. Justin asks whether they think Pickle and Emmett are "actually doing it." Brian asks if Justin has a problem with older men, since Justin's looking at themselves in about fifteen years. Pickle screams that this is just like a dream and he can't believe what he's been missing. "Me neither!" Emmett says, and they dance into blissful happiness.
Justin points out another possible candidate. Brian likes him and asks how Justin always knows his type. Justin makes a crack to the effect that all older men are the same. They look at each other strangely, letting us know that they're eventually going to break up because this is the seventeenth time there's been a crack about their age difference, and Justin seems to keep bringing it up. Brian watches Justin set up his sex date. As Justin and the trick dive into the crowd, Justin turns and makes an excited face at Brian.
Blue neon lights. Brian's on his back, sweaty in bed. Pan down his sweaty body to the head giving him...well, head. Justin's riding someone. Brian laughs and says, "You have great taste." The head pops up: it's Justin's trick. He thanks Brian. "Not you, him," Brian says, pointing at Justin, who's riding the trick.
Ben's listening to Michael, who's still upset about Captain Astro. They're in bed, facing the wrong way so we know there's no sex going on while Michael is this upset. Michael tells Ben about the first time he ever read Captain Astro. He was ten years old and stole the comic book from a store because his family didn't have the money to buy the comic. When he read the part where Captain Astro announced that he never lied, cheated, or stole, Michael went back to the store and turned the comic book in, saying that he stole it. The clerk put fifty cents in the register and told Michael to go home with the comic. Ben waits for the part where the story gets interesting, but it never happens, so Ben finally tells Michael that he's a good man. "Even if you are a petty crook," he adds. He kisses Michael's head, but Michael remains motionless.
Mel lowers the newspaper she's holding (it blares an Aida ad) and asks Lindsay where her breakfast is. Lindz has brought in a tray of her own food and gives Mel a "you're fucking kidding, right?" look. Lindsay asks for the Arts and Leisure section of the newspaper. Mel says she's reading it right now. Lindsay says that Mel never reads the Arts and Leisure section, which is precisely why she's reading it right now. The phone rings. Lindsay won't answer it so that Mel has to so Lindz can steal back the Arts and Leisure section. Which she does. But the phone's for Lindsay, so Mel steals back the section. It's Lindsay's mom. She tells Lindsay that she can't have her grandmother's wedding dress. Lindsay tells her mother that her wedding is real to Lindsay, and hangs up on her mom. Lindsay tells Mel that her mom said if her grandmother knew a lesbian was wearing her dress, she'd die. "Thought she already did," Mel says, with so much care. Lindsay cries. Mel soothes her. "It meant a lot to me," Lindsay says. "To get married in her dress." Mel kisses Lindsay's head and pulls her to her chest.
Debbie's taking out the trash behind the diner wearing an "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME" t-shirt. She opens the dumpster. There's a body inside. Debbie says, "Holy shit," and then says nothing as she looks around for somebody, anybody, to tell her what she's supposed to do . "Uh," she says at one point. But mostly she stands and blinks as the roar of the highway rushes nearby.
Someone takes a photograph of the crime scene. The body is now out of the dumpster and on a stretcher. There's no wallet or ID. The head cop tells the lower cop to search everything again. Head Cop asks Debbie if he may ask her a few questions. She asks what happened. Head Cop says the kid was strangled and tossed in the trash. He asks how long ago Debbie found him. She says it was fifteen minutes ago when she called in. Apparently the boy's been in the dumpster for six or seven hours. He asks if she's seen him before. Debbie has. He's come into the restaurant. A bag is passed over the victim's body, but I can't figure out what it's supposed to mean. Justin stares with his tongue hanging out and makes a disgusted noise. Debbie tells him to get back, and calls him "Sunshine." She tells Head Cop that the victim was "Spanish Omelet," because she knows everybody by what they order. Head Cop figures out that everyone's gay now, because gay people love the omelets, and cracks to team that they've got a "Jane Doe." Debbie gets on her high horse that's balanced on a pedestal up on her soapbox to tell Head Cop that gay is good. Head Cop says a few things that could get him in trouble. He gives Debbie his name and dares her to make a complaint. She points out her not-dead gay son, when Michael walks up with the gang. Somehow Head Cop is scared off. Ted asks what happened. Emmett just then realizes that the victim is dead. Brian asks Debbie what she served him. Head Cop asks whether anybody knew the victim. Justin says he danced with him once at Babylon, but he didn't get his name. Brian moves his hand from his ear to wipe his face and announces he's starved. They walk back into the diner as the victim's body is covered.
Inside the diner, Brian asks if they saw what the victim was wearing. Tank top and leather pants. Brian says the killer was making a fashion statement. Everyone laughs. Ted gets his creepy moment to suggest that this was a crime of passion. Someone caught someone in an affair and the love was so strong that he had to kill his boyfriend. Stop it, Ted. You're so creepy. Emmett tells Ted he's seen too many operas. Cue the segue...Ted announces that he's going to the opera tonight and has an extra ticket. Emmett's not interested. Brian says he'd rather end up in a dumpster. Everyone pauses for the appropriate amount of possible foreshadowing. Emmett wonders if whoever killed that kid had sex with him first. He punctuates his thought by sticking meat in his mouth as he finishes. Brian says he hopes so, since it's always better to come before you go. He should know, since he's the autoerotic asphyxiation freak. Emmett laughs, and we can see the bacon bits in his mouth. Gross. Debbie is pissed off by Brian's joke, and tosses the plates down. Brian asks what's wrong with her. "That's my question," she responds. "No, we asked you first," I say out loud. Debbie looks up when she hears Michael asking another customer to sign his petition: "We're gonna show them that life is valuable, gay or straight." Debbie is filled with pride at her son for caring about the dead kid in her trash. She hugs Michael and announces to everyone how great her kid is and goes to sign Michael's petition until she sees that it's a petition to bring back Captain Astro. "What is the matter with all of you?" Debbie screams. "A boy was found outside dead! Stuffed in the garbage!" Debbie, I'm pretty sure your speech here is going to be bad for business. People are trying to eat, and you don't want to remind them that your diner is where people get killed. Debbie asks if they all think so little about life that they can just joke around about someone getting murdered. She says she expected more from them. "A lot more," she adds. "Especially from you," she says to Michael. She chastises him for caring more about a comic-book character than he does about a human being. She storms off. The boys quietly go back to their meals. Michael pouts. Who wants dessert?
Up in the attic where Old Lesbian Artifacts and Anvils are hidden in trunks...Mel and Lindsay have broken into Lindsay's parents' house to steal the wedding dress. Lindsay says it's not really breaking and entering since she's got a key to the front door. I'm surprised her parents haven't changed the locks. Lindsay says the dress is in a trunk. Mel asks whether the trunk came over on the Mayflower. Turns out it probably did. Mel says that in her family, "Mayflower" is a moving company. Mel finds the trunk where the dress was kept. They open the trunk; the dress isn't there anymore. Just a bunch of old letters, hidden under an anvil. Mel and Lindsay split up the letters and decide to read them instead of getting the fuck out of Dodge before Lindsay's parents get home. The first letter is from Grannie Faye's friend Vera. She talks about their lovely day together by the beach. The men are off at war, and they spent their time together. I'm not going to drag this out as much as they do. One letter later, you know: Grannie Faye was a lesbian and her friend Vera loved her very much. By the way, Lindsay is a very slow reader. It took her more than thirty seconds to figure out the words "kiss you. Make love with you."
Emmett asks Pickle where they're going tonight. Pickle admits he's too tired for gay fun and would rather have a nice long nap in his red cardigan. Emmett says that Pickle just needs his dance legs. Emmett finds an invitation on the floor. It's for the opera gala tonight. Emmett says he's never gone, but that his friend Ted loves it. Pickle asks whether Emmett would like his tickets. He says he hasn't gone to the opera since he came out. Emmett says it's time for Pickle to go again. Pickle says it'd be too difficult and painful since everybody there would be staring. Plus his ex-wife would be there. Emmett doesn't hear the words "difficult" or "painful" and decides the opera is the place to be for them tonight. Together. Pickle says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Emmett says that if someone were trying to stop him from doing something he loved..."Fuck 'em all?" Pickle finishes. Emmett: "You got it, baby," and leaves. Emmett kind of walks in and out of Pickle's house like he is a gigolo. Are we sure he's not getting paid? Does Emmett have a job? Does anyone on this show anymore?
Cut to Mikey's job, but nobody's working. Brian lights a candle under the cutout of Captain Astro and begins delivering a eulogy. He admits it's the same eulogy that the priest gave his father when he died. Michael tells him to cut it out since he didn't even know Captain Astro. Brian, of course, points out that the priest didn't know his father either. Michael pouts and pouts and pouts that he cares about a comic book character more than a real person until Brian walks over and begins smooching on him. Brian points out that Michael's known Captain Astro his whole life and only met "dumpster boy" this morning, so how much is he supposed to care? Yeah, I guess Brian has a point. Why should I care about murders of people I don't know? Fuck 'em all. Brian reminisces about the time Mikey started that "retarded" Captain Astro fan club and Brian was the only member. "I felt sorry for you," Brian says in a tard voice. They reminisce and flirt and stroke and kiss. Brian tells Mikey that Captain Astro was his hero, so it's okay to mourn his loss.
Lesbian Letter-Reading Circle. Grannie's still a lesbian, and Vera still loves her very much. Vera's upset that the war is over and her husband's coming home, which will push her back into her marriage and she won't be able to be with her true love. She'll have to move to Fresno. She's not strong enough to come out to her husband. She tells Faye that she loves her but she's not as brave as she is. "She left Grannie and went back to her husband," Lindsay says. Does she think we're sleeping or stupid? Why read that entire thing just to tell us again what we just heard? Mel tells Lindsay that times were different then. Really? Tell us more about the Old West, Mel. Back in the '40s when women wore petticoats and were beaten with sticks the thickness of thumbs. Mel and Lindz finish their "The More You Know" moment.
Opera. Emmett is giving Pickle the recap of Aida to make sure he caught everything. Then he makes a few fat jokes, including "Aida-lot." I can't believe they don't finish it with, "Remember in the limo on the way over here? You totally Camelot." Pickle explains the story to Emmett, who comments on how hunky the slave boys are.
Ted is shocked to see Emmett at the opera with his Pickle. Ted talks like he's seven to tell Emmett he looks "all spiffed up." Emmett brags that Pickle bought his tux. Must be nice. Pickle tells Ted that he looks very nice, but Ted uncomfortably doesn't return the compliment. Ted complains that he's got crappy seats. Emmett brags about their seats in the Founders' Box, but doesn't invite Ted to crash their great view. Pickle does invite Ted to share a glass of free champagne with them. Ted accepts the offer. Ted and Emmett share a look as Pickle brushes past the crowd waiting on their drinks. They are interrupted by a woman who calls out Pickle's name. Meet Virginia, Pickle's ex-wife. Pickle introduces her to Emmett and Ted. Ted recognizes Virginia's last name as belonging to Hammond's Hams. He actually says to her, "I've packed away a lot of your pork." Ted's so gross all the time these days. He's regressed into someone who shouldn't leave the house. Virginia says it's been years since Pickle's been to the opera. She asks what brought him out of his self-imposed exile. Emmett brags that he's the reason. "George and I are having a fabulous time," he says. "He's a wonderful companion." Virginia asks if Emmett's a pool boy or a hairdresser. She asks if Emmett's expensive. Emmett says that he whacks off on Ted's website and is the "demon dick of dot-com." He says that Pickle doesn't pay him at all. He's with Pickle "because he gives spectacular head." Emmett adds that he's sure Pickle didn't pick up this talent from Virginia. Virginia gives the Rich Lady's Gasp as Emmett pulls Pickle back to the second act. Meow. Virginia stews in her own outrage and outrageous eyebrows until Ted gives a "How 'bout that Verdi?" Wah waaaaaahhhhhhh.
Brian and Justin are shirtless, but I'll try to pay attention to what they're saying anyway. Justin's wondering whether the guy who killed dumpster boy was someone they knew. He might have even been somebody they fucked. Brian says it'd be hot. Justin says they didn't know anything about the guy they fucked the other night. He might have been dangerous. Brian stands over Justin on the bed and reminds him that the first night Justin came over, he knew nothing about Brian or what he was going to do. Justin turns over, grins, and says he was pretty sure Brian was going to fuck him. Brian lowers himself to the bed and asks Justin what he thought Brian was going to do . There's a pause and then Brian pounces on Justin with some force. Justin's laughing hesitantly, allowing Brian to overpower him, threatening to choke him. Brian licks Justin's torso down to his waist, back up over his nipple and settles on his neck. His other arm pins Justin's right hand to the bed. Brian grabs Justin's neck with both hands and asks what would have happened if he had strangled him. Justin gasps and struggles against Brian's hands, but he's not scared. I hope these two have a safe word. Justin says he'd rather Brian choked him with his dick, hoping to lighten the mood, but it's not working. Brian breathes into Justin's mouth that he could have killed him. He licks Justin's tongue until Justin tells him to stop. They struggle. Brian sits up and tells Justin that part of the thrill that first night was not knowing what was going to happen. "It's what made you hard," he says. He smiles and tells Justin that he's hard now just thinking about it: "The danger. The excitement." Justin moans and begs Brian to fuck him.
Pickle and Emmett are in the back of Pickle's limo. Pickle tells Emmett not to be too sad over the tragic ending of the opera. Emmett says he's upset about the way he behaved around Pickle's ex-wife. He says he shouldn't have been such a "nasty queen." He says now Pickle won't be able to go to the opera anymore. Pickle says he's planning on attending every opening this season. He adds that he hopes his hunky slave boy will be at his side. Emmett asks why he's not angry. Pickle says it was the best thing he ever heard. He says he never saw Virginia open her mouth that wide before: "Maybe if she did, we'd still be together." Laughter. Love. Happiness. Cuddling. Pickle calls Emmett a "revelation." We get a foreshadowing of Pickle's untimely death as he says he's lived more in the past few weeks than he has his entire life.
Mel asks Lindz when she's coming to bed. Lindsay says there's one letter left. Mel sits on the coffee table in their living room and picks up the letter. It's never been opened. Mel rips the envelope open and reads the letter to Lindsay. It's from Vera. Her husband died after fifty years of marriage. At the funeral, she couldn't stop thinking about what her life could have been like if she had left her husband to be happy with Grannie Faye, like they were that day on the beach when they were allowed to be truly happy. She says she's always loved Faye, and after all these years, she still does. Lindsay tells Melanie that the later is postmarked March 10, 1994. Grannie Faye died in 1992 and never got to read that letter and know that Vera always loved her. Mel says she's suddenly in the mood for surf and turf and should go balls-out for their "special day." The girls kiss on the couch as Mel crawls into Lindsay's lap. "Grannie Faye would have wanted us to," Mel concludes.
Michael stands on a rooftop overlooking Babylon. He's depressed. Ben's on the rooftop. I wish one of them would walk over and fix the camera, because it's set crooked. Michael says he can't believe that all of those people are just back to normal, having fun and nothing stopped. Nobody took any time to grieve with a protest or a vigil. Is he talking about Captain Astro here? Because if he is it's so fucking selfish and wrong. They wouldn't have a vigil over the dumpster kid since nobody knows how or why he died yet. Ben says that people don't want to think about death, gay-bashing, or AIDS. Michael asks if now they're just supposed to go dancing, drinking, and get their dicks sucked. "He deserves to be remembered," Michael pouts. "At least for a minute." I do think he's talking about Captain Astro, y'all. Why doesn't Michael just tell Ben that he's really upset because he's worried nobody will stop for Ben if he dies? Then at least we can deal with real emotions and relationships instead of ignoring a real death that happened right below where they're standing. Ben grabs his Zippo and lights it, saying they'll have their own candlelight vigil. Pretty lame, Ben. Michael says that anybody can pick up the wrong guy, get on the wrong plane, or step off the curb at the wrong time. He asks if Ben ever gets scared. Ben says he meditates, does yoga, and exercises all the time so he has a little peace of mind. He says having someone to hold at night helps as well. Michael smiles. Ben puts his arm around him. We focus on the Zippo's flame. The camera is knocked on its side in the distance, Blair Witch-style.
Outside Babylon. Brian has picked up a trick. Justin follows, asking where they're going. Brian doesn't know if his new toy's name is Tony, Tommy, or Timmy, so he calls him all three names and says he's going over to his new friend's house to see his stamp collection. Justin asks the guy's name. The guy's all, "What's it to you?" as the camera swirls around. Justin asks Brian to come home with him. Brian asks if Justin's scared he's going to get murdered. Justin laughs and says of course he isn't. "While we're young?" the trick asks as he walks off. "I'll be all right," Brian says with spooky fingers as he backs away. Brian and TommyTonyTimmy walk into pink fog very slowly as Chemical Brothers (I think) blast for what must be about three minutes straight. They walk in slow-motion in perfect unison like Top Gun and Armageddon in one.
time Mel and Lindz have wacky wedding hijinx.