Previously: Captain Astro died. Lindsay's mother doesn't approve of the wedding. Debbie found a kid in a dumpster. Cops hate gays. Emmett made Pickle "fuck 'em all." Michael realized that Ben's a mortal like the rest of us. Brian s-l-o-w-l-y disappeared into the night with a stranger, and Justin worried that perhaps Brian's going to get killed by the Dumpster Mangler.
You know what's great about the opening credits for this show? Not one actual credit. Just dancing, half-naked men. Like a blissful dream. Who cares who's on the show?
Bachelorette party. Mel and Lindz drink beers and whoop it up. Someone's playing with fire. Girls dance with their titties out. Leda raises a shot to them. Girls dance wearing strap-ons. Half-naked girls make out. Wow, those girls have perfect tits. Wait, someone's got something that looks like a taser. What's that? I know y'all will tell me in the Gay Sex 101 thread. I can't wait. I want one, whatever it is. The girl with the pretty tiny titties looks like she loves it. Sadly, Mel and Lindz both have all of their clothes on. I can't believe they're having their bachelorette party together. Lame. They should both be getting separate lapdances. Why are they both so clothed in this hot naked party? Ooh, there's the taser thing again. Someone pours a shot over a dildo. She sucks off the girl's strap-on. Mel and Lindz just point and stare like they're visiting the orgy zoo. Why don't they get to have any fun? Leda is also fully clothed. She walks over to Mel and Lindz, laughs, and asks if they're having fun. Suddenly Lindsay's arms aren't around Mel anymore as she answers, "It's amazing." Lindz says she didn't know bachelorette parties were this wild. Unfortunately, they usually aren't. Leda says this is the warm-up for their honeymoon. There are going to be lots of people at their honeymoon, I guess. Leda pulls Lindsay and Melanie away from the hot naked girls as she announces, "Follow the Leda!"
Leda pulls Mel and Lindz up to a bar, and it looks like their bachelorette party is in the same smokeless, quiet bar they had that fight in last week. The drag queen whose name escapes me...Mysterious Marilyn. I just remembered. Anyway, she offers to read Mel and Lindz's Tarot cards. The girls both touch the cards, and Marilyn goes to work flipping cards on the table and murmuring, "Uh huh." She asks when the "special day" is. Mel says it's this Saturday. What day is this bachelorette party? Marilyn tells the girls they can't possibly get married this Saturday because Mercury is in retrograde (which has fuck-all to do with Tarot cards, by the way, and isn't something you read in a Tarot deck). When Mercury is in retrograde there is an extreme imbalance in the universe. Now, I used to just dismiss all of this as bullshit, but I'm telling you this: February of 2000. Mercury was in retrograde. Every single couple I knew broke up. My boyfriend told me that he loved me like a brother. On Valentine's Day. He got himself a new apartment and wanted to "take a break." Everything was shitty. I didn't know anybody that wasn't completely miserable. I got drunk and showed my titties at Mardi Gras in Austin. Strange things were afoot at the Circle K, if you know what I'm saying. So I don't fuck with Mercury in retrograde anymore. Mysterious Marilyn advises against signing any contracts or taking any vows during this rocky time. She says it'd be a total disaster: "Catastrophe." Then: "But on a positive note, you'll redecorate your dining room around June in aqua and maroon and it will be stunning." Hee. Mel kisses the pouting Lindz on the cheek.
Cut to a pinball machine, where Michael's playing a mean pinball. He asks what you get two dykes who have everything. "Dykes don't have everything. That's why they're so miserable." Hi, Brian. Guess you're not dead. Then why the fuck did we have to watch you ominously leave for half an hour last week? Michael says he can't afford matching penis transplants. "Silver plated dental dams?" Ted offers. "A specially-engraved double-headed dildo?" Emmett chimes in. Why aren't they at the bachelorette party? If Mel and Lindz have so many gay girlfriends, why don't they get to be on the show more? Ben offers a gift of "stemware." "Dildos are stemware," Emmett jokes. Ha. Justin suggests they get them a water buffalo: "Lesbians are into endangered species." Why don't I get that joke? "Unfortunately they are one of them," Brian jokes. I thought that was the joke Justin was making. Michael says they need to get the girls something really special that shows they care. Emmett says he'd help, but he's too busy doing something that shows he cares about himself. Emmett's buying himself a new ass. Everyone tells Emmett that going under the knife could be risky. Brian says that they might accidentally sew up his asshole. Well, I'm sure Brian could loan Emmett another one, since he's an asshole enough for all of them. Emmett bests my joke by telling Brian he'll have to "chew him a new one" since he's so good at that. Ben tells Emmett to wait a week until Mercury's out of retrograde. Justin teases Ben for believing in that shit. Ben says there's evidence that upheavals in the solar system can affect Earth. Someone accidentally gave Brian this line: "Blaming the planets for your fuck-ups is just an excuse to not to accept responsibility." Who said that? What? The power goes out for a second, but it's not God punishing Brian. It's the hot bartender, who's ready to announce the winner of a charity raffle. The winner gets an all-expense-paid trip for two to Miami for a "White Party." The raffle tickets must have been expensive, because the bartender is picking out of a tiny jar holding about thirty tickets. "And the luckiest trick in Pittsburgh is...Brian Kinney." No kidding. "I don't know," he says. "The planets don't seem to be fucking with me." Michael asks how Brian plans to go away and still be in Mel and Lindsay's wedding. If it was the same weekend, why did they all enter the contest? Can they only fly out on one plane? Is there only one plane that goes to Miami that whole weekend? I had no idea. Brian shrugs and walks up to accept his prize.
"Oh, no," Uncle Vic moans. Mikey stops plunging the sink so that he and Debbie can run over and ask Vic if he's okay. Vic's fine, but his disability benefits might be taken away. Debbie says a sentence with three cuss words and the word "universe," so we know that pesky Mercury has something to do with the fact that Vic might lose his monthly checks. Then Michael says, "Ben says it has something to do with Mercury." Way to pay attention when your boyfriend talks, Mike. Michael offers to help out. With what? Vic pants like a martyr and says, "Michael, this is a sign. If I lose my benefits then...I'll just have to get back to work." Michael asks if he's sure. Vic says that once upon a time, he was a "pretty decent" chef. Debbie goes on about how Vic was "another Sara Lee." If Vic was such an impressive cook, why doesn't he cook around the house? Why hasn't Michael ever learned this before? Vic says the trick will be finding someone willing to hire him. Wait. He hasn't lost his benefits yet. Why does he have to get a job today? Vic says nobody will want to hire him when they know he's HIV-positive. Debbie tells him to stop talking himself out of a job before he even gets one. She tells him he can work at her diner. It'll be fun, working together. Vic laughs. "Come on!" Debbie smiles. Wait, so why does he have to start working today, again? Oh, right. Mercury is in Comedic Subplots.
Emmett is having his ass consultation. ["In a recap of this show, that really could mean just about anything." -- Wing Chun] The doctor is Lou Pearlman. Pretty much. Just without the albino-asthma thing. He looks through the most unofficial-looking catalog I've ever seen. It's like he's looking at porn boxes to pick the ass he wants. And Emmett's just now getting around to figuring out what kind of ass he'd like? The doctor offers to let Emmett see some sample asses "in the flesh." All the members of his staff have fake butts, and they'd be willing to drop trou so Emmett can squeeze some melons. "Somebody loves his job," Emmett smiles. Dr. Pearlman: "When you work in a bakery, it's hard to resist the buns." Ew. Marching drum music kicks in as three men in matching khaki uniforms line up and shut the office door. Dr. Pearlman tells the boys that "Mr. Honeycutt's" having a hard time making up his mind. Emmett's last name is "Honeycutt"? Why didn't I know that before? The boys all drop their pants. The guy on the far left is either really proud of his ass or really ashamed of it, because he juts his knee way out so he's strutting in place. As we get a close-up, Emmett says that all of the asses are beautiful. The doctor boasts that he did them all himself. "I also did their asses," he says with a very gross side-smirk. And...lawsuit! Oh, shit, this is funny. The diploma framed behind Emmett's head says "College of Cosmetic Surgery." You know, that one. The "Harvard of the Knife," I do believe they call it. Dr. Pearlman must have minored in either TV/VCR repair or Gun Repair. Emmett is shy at first about touching strangers on the ass, but gains confidence with each little piggy. He just about fucks the third one right there in front of us. He talks about stretching out the third ass, and my entire face contorts in horror. Why would you stretch someone's ass out vertically? Okay, with the horizontal, I understand, but he didn't make that hand-motion. Why do I always type the strangest sentences when I recap this show? Is this the first recap in TWoP history that says "She sucks off the girl's strap-on"? Because I think I deserve some kind of prize. ["Obviously you've never read the 7th Heaven recaps. (Just kidding.)" Wing Chun] Dr. Pearlman makes this face at Emmett, and I think he's about to suck on Emmett's head if he's not careful. Wait. I think that's Dennis from Head of the Class. The "sorry, your mom blew up" kid. He's really aged. Emmett isn't sure which ass will look good on him. They skip the obvious joke, and Dr. Creepy offers to show Emmett sample digital imaging photographs for a small fee.
Mel's on the phone with someone who has lost an order. Losing her patience, Mel asks to talk to someone who speaks English as a first language. Man, I think that's the rudest shit someone can say to a person over the phone. I hate that so much. Even when someone's English is shaky, it doesn't mean that's why he or she isn't good at his or her job. People are shitty workers no matter what their nationalities, y'all. Don't blame a second language as a barrier to your communication problems. Just ask to speak to a manager or someone who does the job correctly. You don't have to get all racist. Love, Pamie (the former telemarketer/ fundraiser/ desk clerk/ Taco Bell cashier/ movie theater box office ticket person who's dealt with five million asshole customers in her lifetime and isn't putting up with another second of your pansy-ass bullshit that makes you be a total dick to people just because your parents gave you too much attention as a child). Gus, who's now about three years old, is wearing a bib that reads "Spit Happens." Mel screams to Lindsay that Gus just ate the seating plan. She fails to mention that it's because she left the seating plan on Gus's baby chair, which is where they put things for him to eat. Mel's asking the person on the phone what they plan on serving their picky-eater/ vegan/ Kosher guests, but we don't find out an answer because Lindsay's hyperventilating. Mel hangs up on the person she's been insulting and comes over to Lindsay's side. Lindsay slowly pants that she's having a panic attack, and for some reason Mel makes her say all of the syllables and doesn't stop her at the first obvious one. "Oh, my God!" Mel says when Lindsay's done overacting, out-overacting with three words what Lindsay did in nineteen pants and hand-shakes. Lindsay complains that she can't even put on a shoe, and then shows us that she, indeed, can't put on a shoe. She whimpers and pants that she's as big as the Michelin Man as Lindsay grabs a paper bag from the couch. Mel dumps a bunch of toys off the couch and sits Lindsay down. Mel straddles Lindsay as Lindz moans that she's never going to be able to fit into her dress. Brian lets himself in at this point and cracks that he thought they agreed to no lesbian sex in front of the baby. "Fuck off, Brian!" they say in unison. Brian says he just dropped by to let them know he isn't going to the wedding. The girls freak out like Brian was supposed to lead the ceremony, as if this isn't typical Brian Kinney behavior. They call him a selfish prick. Brian tells them that they don't really want him at the wedding, anyway. He'd be drunk, bored, and better-looking than the brides. He'd end up dancing on a table, fucking every guy there -- gay or straight -- and then he'd pass out naked bitching about the cheap booze. There's a strange noise of a woman screaming at this point and I'm wondering if it's supposed to be a dog barking or some kind of aural demonstration of Brian's sex antics. Whatever. Brian tells the girls that he's doing them a favor by being out of town. The girls pause one, two, three and then say in unison, "Have a safe trip."
They've changed Ted's hair in such a way that I don't recognize him for a second. He's almost attractive. He's panting, telling Michael that he can't walk any further looking for a present for the girls. Michael points out that they've only walked about three blocks, but that's way too much for Ted, who complains that it's really tedious to shop for lesbians. Try not to care too much, Ted. You might not be an asshole for five seconds. Michael says that they should get the girls something romantic, like lingerie. Ted cracks that lingerie isn't romantic at all. He tells Michael that dykes like power tools. You know what? Any girl wants her own set of power tools; I don't have to lick pussy to want to be able to hang my own frames. Yikes. Ted wants to buy $500 power tools. Do the tools lick pussy? Because why else would you need a $500 drill? Ted makes a joke about Ben and screws up so bad that I don't even recognize it as a joke. Michael complains that he's broke, so Ted says he'll pay for both of them. Ted's strange pager/ Palm Pilot/ text messenger thing beeps and tells him he's either got a threeway at half past four or a fourway at half past three. In any event, he's got to leave so that the situation comedy can begin. He hands Michael $500. Mikey asks if he's supposed to buy the lingerie or the power tools. Ted says it's up to Michael, adding that Ted knows whatever Michael decides will be the perfect gift. He kisses Michael goodbye and walks away as all people do when they're hanging out together shopping downtown. The continuity is so fucked in this shot that the extras keep changing with all of the camera angles. Michael's about to walk into the power tools store when some music from The Lion King starts up and Michael's mysteriously drawn to an alley. You guys, this is all so dumb, but I'll recap it anyway.
There's a Jamaican-kinda man in the alley, welcoming Michael with a "mon." He's got a blanket covered with statues. Michael says they're beautiful. The Jamaican tells him that they're from this little country near Chad called "Chuck" where his "people" have been living for a very long time, "making love and art." They made these statues themselves. Michael's drawn to one particular female statue that's got drooping titties down to her ankles. I think Michael's never seen a woman naked before, because he thinks the statue is pretty. Also, Michael's never been out of the house before, because you can buy a replica of this statue at Pier One for, like, nine dollars. The Jamaican tells Michael that it's a goddess of love. He tells him that it costs six hundred dollars. What shit do you buy on the street for six hundred dollars? Besides drugs, I mean. Michael stupidly says he's only got five hundred on him. In cash. While he's all alone in this alley. Mr. Jamaica states that he meant six hundred "Chuck Dollars" which translate into five hundred American. Sold to the dumbest bidder.
Brian's going through his wardrobe looking for the perfect clothes to the White Party. I'm assuming he's going to go with white clothes. Call me crazy. Brian throws the clothes at Justin, who complains that he thought Brian's "all-expense-paid fuckfest" was only for the weekend. Brian says that each party has its own theme and a strict dress code. The White Party, the muscle beach party, the Cabana boy contest, and such. As Brian plans out all of the cock he's gonna get, Justin complains about the list of lame things he has to do, like attending the wedding and writing letters to his grandmother. Brian has decided to use his other ticket to bring Justin along. Because nothing helps a weekend of fucking strangers like bringing your boyfriend. Justin thanks him and kisses his neck. He stops: "Shit. What am I going to wear?" Everybody loves themselves some themselves.
Babylon. Hot kissing dancing guys. Our boys are simply staring at their places on the catwalk. What day is it? Mikey's boasting about the gift, but tells Ted it'll have to be a surprise. Brian boasts that he's bought Melanie and Lindsay the best gift of all -- his absence. Emmett brings three pictures of his potential fake ass, asking the boys to pick their favorite. The picture of Emmett playing the Coppertone baby, shocked at how perfect his ass has become, is hysterical. Ben tells Emmett that Ass #1 is just like Michael's. I'm sure Emmett already knows that, since he lived with Michael for a number of years. Brian says that #2 is just like the rear-end of a '72 Impala. Whatever that means. Ted says that #3 is pert and perky, but probably too small for the rest of Emmett's features. Emmett decides to ask the "artist." Justin picks the one with form, function, and good taste. Brian says that Emmett doesn't want an ass with good taste; he wants an ass that tastes good. Emmett thanks Justin and asks if they should go off to dance. Brian says he needs his strength for the White Party. Ted cracks that Brian's so old, he should be going to the Grey Party. Michael tells Brian that he should be going to the wedding. Brian says that Michael can cry for both of them, and then walks off. Michael follows. Ben just stands there, getting as ignored as any of Michael's boyfriends.
On the stairs, Michael and Brian have an entire conversation without needing to raise their voices over the loud, pulsing music. Michael tells Brian that he bails every time something big happens. Brian bails on the conversation. Michael tells Brian that he's afraid to let anyone know that he loves them: "That you have feelings like the rest of us." Michael leans down to Brian's ear and says, "It's okay to be human, you know." I'd be all, "What? I can't hear you over the house beat! I refuse to hear corny gestures and clichéd writing when I'm trying to dance, motherfucker! I just wanna dance! I'm Brian Fuckin' Kinney, my motherfuckin' brother!" Because at this point, why not. We've seen this fucking scene three hundred times already. Might as well shake it up at some point. Brian says that the real reason he's bailing is because he'd rather get laid. To finish off the scene we've seen a million times, Brian plants a big one on Michael's mouth and then leaves. Ben's right there asking Mikey if Brian always kisses him like that. "About four times a year," Michael lies. "Usually when he's really drunk or he wants me to shut up." Or when you're doing drugs in a bathroom stall. Or when you're lonely. Or when he's lonely. Or when you're eating Chinese food. Or when it's Tuesday. Ben kisses Michael's neck and says none of the fifty things he has every right to say at this point.
Debbie's teaching Vic how to take an order. Debbie says it's as easy as reading an order and then making it. She tells Vic that there's never any reason to panic, and that she'll be there the entire time. She winks and pops her gum. She gives a thumbs-up and walks off.
A pouty Mel and Lindz walk into the diner and plop down on some stools. Mel orders a couple of black coffees to go. Why the diner for coffee? Lindsay is very upset. Seems the jewelers have lost their wedding rings, which were engraved with their names. Justin offers to let them use his nipple rings. Lindsay thanks him and says it just wouldn't be the same. Mel says that Mercury's not going to fuck up their wedding. Except for now. Justin, the ringbearer, decides that now is the perfect time to tell the girls he's not coming to the wedding because he's going to be coming in Miami. Debbie's unhappy that Justin's so selfish. Lindsay and Mel say that Justin deserves the vacation, and wish him a good time.
Outside the diner, Mel's livid that Brian's fucking up their wedding by stealing the ringbearer. Lindsay moans that it doesn't matter, since there aren't any rings, anyway. Her cell phone rings. Lindsay doesn't understand a word the woman on the phone is saying. "It must be the caterer," Mel says, taking the phone. Weren't they going with the snooty French place? Mel calls the caterer a "bleeding asshole," and then threatens to sue the place. "Oh, that word you understand!" she says as she hangs up the phone. Lindsay asks what's going on. Mel tells her that the caterer and the hall have been shut down by the health department for salmonella food poisoning. And she still wants them to cater? Lindsay gets another panic attack and has to lie down on a bus bench that advertises a funeral home, reminding us how good the hour of television was before we changed the channel to Showtime.
Ted hates the statue. Michael says the five hundred dollars was a steal. Ted says he's the one who got robbed. He tells Mikey to take it back. Mikey says he didn't get it at a store; he got it from a blanket. Ted has totally lost it and is completely unlikable in this new Rabid Ted character they've written for him. "Chuck! Chad! They sound like a couple of homos!" This is the quality writing we've been begging for? No, it gets fucking worse. Mikey: "It's the perfect gift!" Ted: "Perfectly hideous." Mikey: "It's a work of art." Ted: "It's a piece of shit!" Mikey: "It's symbolic of love and pride." Ted: "It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste." And so is this scene. I refuse to recap it any further. Oh, wait. It's still getting worse. Mikey: "You take that back!" Ted: "I can't! I got it off a bwaaan-ket!" Michael says that Ted should buy his own presents from now on. Ted says he was too busy working and being a success. Mikey: "You can take your success and shove it and I'm sure you won't have any trouble figuring out where." That's not an awkward sentence at all. Ted: "Yeah! I'll just ask Chuck and Chad!" Where the fuck were the jokes in that scene? Was that supposed to be funny?
Emmett and Pickle are swimming in Pickle's private pool. He's got giant floaty animals. Emmett tells Pickle that he's made up his mind. Pickle tells Emmett that he's got a beautiful bottom. I don't know why Emmett would waste his money getting plastic surgery when he's dating someone who loves him like Pickle does. Pickle tells Emmett that he's too young for plastic surgery. Emmett points out that Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, and Cher have done it. And yes, they all look absolutely perfect, don't they? Not one scary, chiseled morsel of nose left on the three of them combined. Emmett says that in his world you have to look like a Calvin Klein ad or you're nothing. Also, he'd feel better about himself, which will make him a better boyfriend. Pickle says his wife hated the way she looked and went under the knife as well. "She was the same miserable cunt she always was," he concludes. He tells Emmett that anyone who values himself because of his ass is an ass. He swims off, but Emmett's totally still getting his ass done.
Diner. Chaos. Debbie's trying to placate everyone, and has ditched her gum as she offers free coffee to all of the complaining customers. "All I want is a hamburger!" someone screams from the back like it's a Suicidal Tendencies song. "Your order has been abducted by aliens," Debbie shouts. Uh, can I fill out a comment card? There's a shattering noise from the kitchen as an extra tries to talk to Debbie. Debbie's banging the bell trying to get Vic's attention. She screams a million words and asks what the fuck is going on. A very sweaty Vic appears and tells Debbie that she doesn't have to yell. Now he tells her that? I've been asking for two seasons to turn the Debbie volume button down a notch. She asks if he could do a grilled cheese in under an hour. "You told me to take my time," Vic says, lifting a plate of carefully crafted grilled cheese squares. Debbie doesn't even compliment the pretty plate, and instead says something nasty. Vic quits, but I fail to see how this has anything to do with Mercury being in retrograde. Debbie tells him that he can't leave her. Vic says, "You're better off. I'm useless. I'm worse than useless. I'm ridiculous!" Was he talking about the job or his character?
Okay, remember how much I hated the Ted/Michael scene that just happened? I hate this one more. I'll just transcribe it so you Mel and Lindz lovers won't skewer me, but before I do, ask yourself this: no matter how much you wanted Mel and Lindz to have their own storyline and no matter how fervently you believe that the lesbians are grossly underused in this show, is it worth it to have them deliver some of the shittiest lines ever written in a way so campy John Waters is like, "Oh, please. Take the sticks out of their asses and let them breathe a little!" All lines are delivered in an over-sickly sweet fashion. Mel: "Honey. There is no way we can squeeze that many guests into a house." Lindz: "Baby. We could move all of the furniture into the garage." Mel: "Lambskin. You'd have my thousand-year-old aunt stand all night." Lindz: "Puddin' pie. She has a walker. She can lean." Mel: "And what if somehow, my little love button, we manage to overcome the laws of physical science and pack them all in. What the fuck are they going to see besides each other's nose hair?" Lindz: "You're not even trying to make this work." Mel: "And you're not even trying to make sense!" Lindz: "There's no need to be abusive." Mel: "I wasn't being abusive. I was merely expressing frustration." Lindz: "So now I'm frustrating?" Mel: "I didn't say that! Ugh!" I'll just leave it all alone, but look at those sentences and tell me how that advances the plot, enriches character, teaches us about their relationship, makes us laugh, helps us relate, or teaches us about anything. Waste of three minutes. Leda shows up with the dry cleaning, which is of course fucked up. Lindsay goes meta and says, "There's...no need to explain. At this point in the plot, we all get it." Thank you, Lindsay. Can we skip to the wedding now? Leda gives Mel the one hundred dollars in free dry cleaning that they gave her to make up for the dress. Was it even Lindsay's grandmother's dress? Never bothered to resolve that plot either, did they? And who gets the dress dry-cleaned the second before the wedding? Mel says they're going to find her something beautiful to wear. "And we will have our special fucking day, goddammit. Even if we have to do it nude in the backyard." Oh, how I wish they'd cut to Naked Backyard Ceremony. Emmett with his ass all in a sling. Pickle's pickle freaking out Debbie. Come on! Do it! Dammit! Instead they just cue the thunderstorm. Gus cries. "Or maybe we can face reality," Lindsay says. Leda has to remind everyone about Mercury in retrograde, three words I almost forgot this episode. Lindsay says that the wedding has been systematically destroyed. "If you ask me, somebody up there doesn't think we should get married. Maybe there's a reason. Maybe that's because people like us aren't supposed to get married." Suddenly Lindsay thinks that God hates gays? Do we have to have a PSA in the middle of the wacky hijinx subplot?
To make up for the incredibly large amount of missing sex this episode, we're treated to a very slow pan up of Gale Harold's naked body. He's got his leg cocked up to where we can't see the cock. They're playing stupid Science Fiction music here, so I hit the mute button so I can watch the green-blue naked skin in peace. Brian's in a tanning bed. The door yanks open. The camera focuses on a sobbing Melanie. Why would she turn to Brian, of all people, in this time of need? I don't even recognize Mel because she's crying, her hair is poofy, and they don't normally put the lesbians in the Anal Sex Blue Light. Brian says that this reminds him of Alien -- "one of the great AIDS metaphor flicks of all time" -- where Sigourney Weaver (Brian compares Mel to the "über-bitch dyke" character of Ripley) somehow conjured up a monster. "The wedding's off," Mel cries. "You two finally come to your senses?" Brian asks. They have him wearing the suntan goggles because they're creepy. Brian tries to lower the bed back down to finish his basecoat, but Mel rips it back up. "It's because of Lindsay," she cries. Wait. She "cries." Mel has no choice but to throw herself around, literally, and cry into her hands because she's incapable of showing real emotion. She flips back around and tries to cry and stutter, but it's not working so it just looks like when Sally Field freaks out. Except, no tears. We hear the words "Mercury in retrograde" again. "She thinks the wedding's not supposed to happen because...because we're gaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Mel moans, and I'm shaking my head not just at the crappy acting, ridiculous writing, or stupid blue light, but also because we're all still watching this show. And we're watching it to the point that we're kidding ourselves that this show is somehow good. We're so desperate to want this show to be good, to have a good show like this with these kinds of people and the possibilities of groundbreaking, innovative, thought-provoking drama with honest comedy and decent acting that we wait every week praying time will be the good episode. We'll even consider this one to be a good episode because at least it's not insulting plot-wise. But right here, with the culmination of the bad acting, the naked blue Brian, the cheesy lines, the "God hates a gay" theory combined with the "The Universe hates a gay" theory, all leading to a point where Brian Kinney once again saves the day with a look of utter disdain, I just have to wonder how long we're all going to kid ourselves. How stupid we must look to other people. ["Plus isn't this exactly what happened when Carol and Susan got married on Friends...in 1996?" -- Wing Chun] "Christ," Brian moans. "Send in a faggot to do a dyke's work." He gets up, and Mel averts her eyes from having to see Brian's naughty bits.
Strangely, everyone's waiting at Brian's apartment while he's still putting on a robe. How much time passed while Brian walked from the tanning place to his apartment, called everyone he knew, and fucked Justin, before everyone showed up and he decided to wear some clothes? What fucking day is it again? "We have precisely twenty-one hours to get the munchers married," Brian says. A flash of light by a window tells us that it's still "raining" outside. All of the other actors ad-lib "Indignant." Brian says they have to plan the wedding in time for him to make his flight. You know, on Can't-Change- Departure-Time Airlines. Michael and Ted bicker. Brian puts them in charge of staffing and flowers. Who's calling all the guests to tell them that the wedding's in a completely different location? Emmett's in charge of finding a place. Emmett offers the Liberty Baths, since they have a fabulous party room. I would think Emmett would be dancing his about-to-be-sliced ass off at the chance to plan a party. Brian makes another poor decision by asking Debbie to make something for Lindsay to wear. Debbie can't wait to make something with bows and ribbons and squirrel tails. Brian gives her a look, and Debbie vows to try something a little more conservative. Like Sideshow Bob. Vic's in charge of the cake. Vic immediately bails: "My cooking's a recipe for disaster." Can we get one line that doesn't suck? Please? Is that too much to ask? Are high school kids writing these shitty lines, thinking they're the first people to invent a pun? Debbie says Vic'd be great at making the cake, "if they were getting married a year from now." Can't Vic just buy a fucking cake? And when did the cake get fucked up, anyway? Justin says he'll help Vic make the cake. Brian tells everyone to get to work. Ted asks what Brian's doing. Brian puts a ice pack around his face and announces that he's getting his beauty rest. Everyone ad-libs "Wedding Anticipation." New rule: no more ad-libbing. Nobody seems to know how to do it. I can practically hear them mumbling, "Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!"
Michael corners Brian in his bedroom for Scene We've Already Seen Six Times, where he's all, "I thought you'd rather get laid," and Brian says, "This just lets me get laid in peace." Michael kisses Brian again. Poor Ben.
Emmett calls Zanzibar so we know he's been calling clubs all day long. ["Hee. That's a strip club in Toronto." -- Wing Chun] Zanzibar can't book a wedding for eighty people for tonight. Wait. Tonight? They're changing the wedding day? Or is it the day? Pickle asks Emmett if he's had any luck. Emmett says he's tried A to Z and there's no such thing as an instant wedding. Pickle asks if he can make a suggestion. Emmett says, "Be my wedding guest." Here's the part where I'm calling total bullshit.
Big, giant empty ballroom that's in a wing of Pickle's mansion. I like to call this the "Good thing I'm fucking a millionaire. I almost forgot!" clause. It's very handy. I like that Pickle made Emmett call all those places first before he offered to lend his vacant room. ["Maybe Pickle was down for his nap when Emmett was calling around, and just woke up now." -- Wing Chun] Pickle says that the last time it was used was for his daughter's wedding. Her name is Frankie. She's named after a hot dog. I'm not kidding. Emmett says he thinks the room is due for a party. Pickle says he can't think of a more perfect occasion than the wedding. He offers to get a band to play and a caterer and all sorts of decorating, but Emmett says he'd rather do it himself with the money from his ass fund. Why, exactly? Whatever -- it makes Pickle smitten, and I'm sure all of us know that Pickle will just buy Emmett an ass later, one that's been sitting around in his East Wing or whatever. And why wouldn't Emmett want the Pittsburgh Symphony to play the wedding? Why would he make a cheaper wedding when he has the opportunity to splurge and give the girls a wedding they couldn't ever have for themselves? Emmett jams his ass into Pickle's crotch and they laugh. They kiss. Emmett thanks Pickle and then runs off to be up to his tits in tulle.
Debbie's sewing. Call the police. Vic breaks an egg and curses. Debbie asks what's wrong. Vic breaks something else and curses again. Debbie asks what's going on. Justin stops eating the cake batter long enough to take the blame. Vic complains and moans. Justin tells him to relax. "I've been out of the world too long, I can't go back," Vic moans. What is he, a cowboy? It's a cake, not a decathlon. Debbie freaks out and gives Vic the reverse psychology Tough Love special, telling Vic that he's a loser and should just curl up and die. Justin doesn't really stick up for Vic either, and Vic eventually gets so angry that he decides to make the cake. I've just saved you five minutes that I can't get back, by the way. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my therapy fund. Then, just in case we've been hit in the head and can't figure out what's going on, Justin asks Debbie: "You did all that on purpose, didn't you?" NO. REALLY?! Then Debbie explains that this is how she kept Vic alive all these years. She kept telling him to go ahead and die, and he lives to spite her. You're so beautiful, Debbie. So very. Debbie immediately tries the same tactic on Justin in an attempt to get him to stay home for the wedding, telling him that he's turning into Brian. Justin says it's not going to work on him and that he's too smart, but that he appreciates her attempt. She says that one day he'll regret not going to the wedding with his family: "And that's the truth, Sunshine. That's the truth." Oh, they're ending scenes with repeated lines of deep honest honesty, y'all. These are some desperate fucking writers, friends. Some desperate...fucking...writers.
Mel's opening curtains, blasting the bedroom in sunlight. She wants Lindsay to get out of her snotrag-covered bed. She's made breakfast in bed for Lindz. ["Breakfast in bed is a bad way to get someone out of bed, isn't it?" -- Wing Chun] French Toast with fresh strawberries, bacon crumbles and maple syrup, coffee with the good beans, and peaches peeled because the fuzz makes Lindsay's teeth itch. That's the best line in the entire episode. It's such a simple thing, but it shows how much the characters care for each other. See? It's not hard to do, high-school writers. Lindsay pouts, whines, moans, and asks why Mel's being so sweet to her. "I can't help it," Mel says. "Impulsive-adorable disorder." I vomit chicken nuggets and coffee all over my floor. Brian just walks in. Does he have a key to the house or something? He barks at the girls to get up. He tells them that they're getting married. "Huh?" Lindsay says as Brian tosses her off-screen. Lindsay gives out the fakest, stupidest scream ever to be shot in ADR.
Brian pulls up in his Jeep at the Pickle mansion. Emmett, Pickle, and two servants greet the ladies. Lindsay's hair is a fucking wreck, by the way. Emmett explains what's going on. Pickle and the girls meet, and Brian pushes the girls into the mansion for hair and makeup.
I wish I didn't have to recap this stupid statue subplot. Ted's decorating a table and tells Mikey he can't bring the ugly statue in that room. The statue is. Isn't. Is. Isn't. He paid for this. He'll pay him back. He thinks he's an idiot. He thinks he's a dickhead for making him feel like an idiot. Emmett tells the boys that nothing is worth losing their friendship over. Everyone feels bad and that's one to grow on. scene!
Mel is very smart and tells Debbie that she's going to do her own hair. Debbie tells Mel that she needs more "Bella Donna" and less "Bitchy Boochy." Mel says if Debbie's not careful, Mel will end up in a pony bra and lipliner. Brian walks in, and the girls squeal like he's the groom. Debbie has the following line: "Aren't you supposed to be off somewhere, sticking your...pena in some...colada?" Why bother with the pauses, Debbie? Are you prolonging the torture of this writing? Why would you do that to us? Why do they hate us this much, y'all? Brian says he needs a few minutes alone with the brides. Debbie leaves but says she needs to get back in there and get the girls ready soon.
Mel tells Brian that she heard he's the one responsible for this. Brian says that's a vicious rumor. He tosses a box at Lindsay. Inside are replicas of their missing wedding rings. It's that easy! They have all these lines to deliver about the rings without actually showing us the ring and it's awkward. Somehow Lindsay was able to read the inscription while she was walking and leaning and laughing and not looking at the rings. She kisses Brian, and Mel gives Brian a couple of punches to the arm to show him how cool she thinks he's being. Lindsay gives Mel a jerk of her head and Mel excuses herself to check on the sitter. Poor Gus, can't see Mommy marry Mommy. Lindsay takes this moment to put on her wedding gown. She asks if Brian's all packed for his trip. He is. She asks if he's excited. "My pecker's all a-twitter," he says. She has him help her into her dress. Yikes. It's like the prom dress Molly Ringwald made in Pretty in Pink. Linday can't believe that Debbie made that herself. I sure can. I'm just shocked that she could make something in just Lindsay's size in six hours. Just happened to have all that fabric lying around, too. "Isn't it amazing?" she asks. "Debbie just whipped it up. With the help of some mice and bluebirds." I had to turn on the closed captioning for that line because I couldn't believe those were the words she just spoke. I'm rethinking my B- rating on this episode. Brian says he's sorry he won't be there to see Lindsay glide down the aisle. She says she's sure he's going to have a fabulous time on his trip. She cracks that she and Brian are both going to be in white. "Just be careful," she says. Brian hands her two tickets. "It's your wedding present. All-expense-paid trip for two to Miami. Trade it in for a later flight." So they can do that, but he couldn't? And did he already get the tickets put into her name instead? Brian says he'll take care of Gus and they can have a honeymoon. Lindsay says that Brian doesn't even want to be at the wedding. Brian tells her to take the "fucking tickets." She won't. She says that it wouldn't be right for him to stay, "trapped in a hideous display of sentimentality." She tells him to go to Miami. "I want you to fuck lots of beautiful guys. No apologies. No regrets." And we're officially stuck in a Madonna song. This isn't dialogue; these are lyrics. "It's the best gift you could give me, knowing you're happy." Brian kisses Lindsay for a long time. He takes the tickets back and I guess calls the airline right away so he can still go. He walks out of the room. "I love you too, Brian," Lindsay says to the closed door.
Justin and Brian walk through the mansion. Justin says that the marriage stuff is kind of cool and makes him think about their own wedding someday. Brian says Justin needs a good fucking on the beach. Justin says he's not going to go. He wants to be at the wedding. "For me," he says. "I want to be a part of it. I wanna see their faces when they say 'I do.'" Brian says the word "dykes" again. Justin asks if Brian's mad at him. Brian says he thinks Justin's a heartless, selfish asshole. "Keep up the good work," he concludes, and once again we watch Justin watch Brian walk off into the sunset.
Don't blink or you'll miss this wedding. Michael and Ted glare at each other from the congregation.
Mel and Lindz walk in together, holding hands. Mel's in a disco tux; the shirt is silk and totally unbuttoned. Everyone turns and murmurs, ad-libbing" "Wonder and joy." Someone dressed Justin in that outfit Long Duck Dong wears where the grandfather says to the cop, "No, he's not retarded." Mel and Lindz stand under the Chupah as the non-denominational woman prepares to start the ceremony. I can't believe they didn't have Lindsay's parents come to the wedding. Not even standing in the back begrudgingly enjoying their daughter's "special day." And where's Gus? Isn't he at least nine by now? No veil. Just a few short words about commitment and binding. Melanie's vows: "Honey. I wasn't sure we'd make it here today. But thanks to our friends -- or, I should say, our family -- not even the stars or the planets could keep us from exchanging our vows." I don't think they even sat Ben near Michael. "I love you, Lindsay Peterson. I will fight for you. I will protect you. You are my Beschert." This means "soulmate" for those of you non-Jewish folks out there. Quick shot of Leda swallowing that down...and we go to Lindsay's vows: "Melanie, with so much love and support around us, I really do believe there is no obstacle, no problem we can't overcome together in friendship and in love. Our hearts will be eternally united. I love you, Melanie Marcus." Shots of everyone looking so happy. They've crammed Justin and Debbie into the same frame. Poor Justin's mom, not invited again. Justin gives Lindsay and Melanie the rings as Ben puts his arm around Michael. Melanie takes Lindsay to be her wife. Lindsay takes Melanie to be her wife. They're declared to the world that they are married in our eyes. "You can seal this with a little suck-face," the woman says, and everyone politely laughs like when Grandma farts during Grace. Why end such a nice ceremony with something so crass? They keep looping the sound of laughter so they can go shot by shot of Leda, Pickle, Michael, Emmett, everyone ever laughing and it sounds so terribly fake. The girls kiss without tongue as some bad music starts up. Everyone stands and applauds. The lyrics of the song talk about how love is simple, and how the singer worships its tenacity.
Michael and Ted make up. Shouldn't Michael have bought a present with Ben?
Mel and Lindz feed each other cake. Two brides on top of that one. Vic's proud of his cake. Debbie's proud of her brother.
Emmett announces that it's time to toss the bouquet. Everyone gets ready. Justin and Emmett fight for positioning. Lindsay throws....
...and Brian catches it at the White Party in Miami. It's Babylon with a different scrim dropped in the background with fake palm trees lining the dance floor. We watch a drag queen dressed in a wedding gown dance in the glitter. She throws a kiss at us and my TiVo decides that this episode is officially over.