Hi, I'm Pamie. For those of you who have asked, it's pronounced "Pam -- ee." I've recapped several shows, most of them you can see in my staff bio. So, even though I might be new to you, I'm certainly not new around here. Here goes: I've watched every episode of this show. I love season one, but I'm not thrilled with season two. In fact, I can't get anyone to watch the show with me anymore, and my roommate and I used to have lots of fun watching season one together. I think this is because once the show deviated from the UK version, things went down the shitter. I'm scared of Crazy Ted when he gets that porn look in his eye. I think that coma fucked him up a bit. I don't know why Ted's coma didn't seem to stop any of them from abusing drugs (including Brian spiking that punch with E). I hated Hal Sparks on Talk Soup but found him strangely endearing in season one of this show. These days, however, I think his character has lost focus. It was more interesting watching him base his life decisions on the off chance that Brian will pay attention. Now that Brian and Justin are Brian 'N Justin, there's no triangle anymore. What happened with Ted's shrine to Mikey, anyway? I think that Lindsay's character ends up being this peacemaker martyr and never actually has one day of fun in her life. I like Mel, but I wish she had something going on in her life, too. I think Justin is very cute, but this season he's turned into some kind of pouty prick, and I hope this is gearing up to be a backlash against Brian for ruining this kid's childhood. Your first love shouldn't ever be this fucked up. I mean, it always is, but nobody does anything to stop it. I love Emmett, and I'm glad they're finally giving him some storylines (because that cybersex episode in season one was the strangest and stupidest thing I ever saw, with the entire relationship happening in thirty minutes at the bar?). I'm a straight female, so even though I'm not this show's target audience, I'm certainly its demographic. I watch these days because I like the naked, pretty men, and I keep hoping the show will make me laugh again like it used to. I used to think this was the male answer to Sex and the City, but now I think it's the subscription cable answer to Undressed. Are you ready? Here we go.
Previously: Ted said he wouldn't date a man who's HIV-positive. Debbie was outraged until she found out that Ben is positive. Lindsay's mom wouldn't give the girls any money for their wedding because it's not "real." Lindsay's dad just sat quietly, waiting for his moment in a few episodes when he'll do something terribly "Daddy-like" and save the day, I'm sure. Ted and Emmett argued over whether it's the brain or the cock that makes JerkAtWork.net (Why the .net?) such a success. Debbie wished her son weren't gay. Mikey heard this and stormed up to his room. Debbie told Mikey not to date Ben. Mikey didn't care what his mother said. Ben and Mikey got as far as shirts off and zippers down before Mikey freaked out and told Ben he couldn't have sex with him.
We start with a voice-over from Mikey. He tells us that he walks down Liberty Avenue all the time, checking out guys. We see Mikey sheepishly walking, glaring at the pants of other men. But as he walks, a most curious thing happens -- every guy looks like Ben. He's Ben for a moment, and then not Ben again. Mikey can't catch his breath as he stares all around him at the Bens on Liberty Avenue (the name of my fifteenth album, by the way). Mikey wonders if he's going crazy as a Ben carries a Ben print up the street to the Ben door. We're so close to Hal Sparks we can see his pores. Three Bens in some bad editing stare at Mikey, ignore Mikey, and can't see Mikey, respectively. Quick zoom on Mikey as we hear waves crashing or whatever over the Oprah-like piano.
Cut to the Oprah-like piano. In the shadows we see Harry Benick, Jr singing. We're in an almost fancy restaurant (the foley artist's "silverware clinking" noises inform us) that has booths and a big fishtank. Mikey tells us that he's feeling a little vulnerable right now since the breakup, but he knows he'll be over it soon. He dated Ben for a day and a half, right? So, Michael's signed up with "Pittsburgh: Man-to-Man," a dating service of some kind. Bring on the Bad Blind Date Montage!
Barry's in his late twenties, he loves to eat out, and is a well-rounded guy. Cut to Barry. He's of course, fat and stuffing his face with food, asking Mikey to "pass the butter." Wah wahhhhhhhhhhh.
Marcus is a "motivated business professional with clearly defined goals." Why would Mikey be attracted that kind of person? Marcus turns out to be a life insurance salesman, complete with briefcase that he whips out on the table to ask Mikey if he's ever considered term life insurance. Buh-bump-a-nahhhhh. (That's the "loser" sound from The Price is Right, in case you aren't up on your sound effect onomatopoeia.)
Ed has a great body and a great personality. He wants to pamper that special someone. Everybody together now: "Cue the Pampers!" Yes, indeed. Ed's holding a diaper over his shoulder in that subtle way we've come to know and love from this show. Mikey tilts back his drink with an audible gulp. Good idea, Mike. I think I shall join you. The TiVo says I'm only three minutes in.
This is a bad camera angle here at the diner. We're slowly approaching Mikey and Ted from behind. I'm sure it's just the angle or the jeans Ted's wearing, but his ass looks huge. Ted asks Michael what he expected from a thirty-second voice personal. Michael says he thought those guys would be honest, since he didn't lie in his ad. I don't think any of those guys lied, now, did they? They were incredibly honest, to a comedic fault, I do believe. Debbie starts laughing at her son. She called up and listened to Michael's ad. Okay, it's time to move away from Mama, if she's calling up her son's gay personal's ad to hear what he has to say. Why doesn't Debbie go on the dates and suck dick for him, too? "No, honey. Grab the balls here!" All looking up: "Sorry. My son's a bit of a pussy when it comes to the balls. I'll help him out." Back to the show. Debbie's still laughing, and now she's telling Ted what Michael said in his ad. This is so wrong! "Hey, it's Mike! Cute. Swimmer build. Boy--door type." Mikey tries to leave, but Ted brings him back so they can continue the ridicule. Debbie notes, "You also added a couple of extra inches." Wait for the joke...wait for it...wait..."To his height." Brilliant! Never saw it coming. "But I was very pleased to hear that you are versatile, and not a total bottom." Mikey's not a total bottom. Right. And Debbie's not actually Ed Asner doing a Sharon Gless impression. Ted gives Mikey a half-hearted back rub as Mikey's face is pointed directly at the floor. Debbie tells Michael that he's never going to get a boyfriend from voicemail. She gives him a piece of paper she's pulled from her bosom. It's her friend Ida, the matchmaker. Ted turns and tells us, "I could make a lot of trite musical theatre references right now." He does a take at Mikey and then looks back at us. "But I won't." You know, I think it's common knowledge that the random breaking of the fourth wall occurs on the thirtieth episode of any show, isn't it? Mikey tells his mother that her friends are freaks and that he's not interested. Debbie pushes her son's face to the other side of the room to point out two men who are canoodling in a booth. I never use the word "canoodling," so you know that there must be some serious snuggling and food-feeding going on. Debbie says that Ida set those two up and now they're celebrating their "third." Date? It's really strange, but it looks like Tim Roth is dating himself. They both look like Tim Roth in preppie rugby clothing. Ted, always the internet-"savvy" one, tells Mikey to try the Adam and Steve Internet Dating blah blah blah. That way Mikey can see what he's getting before he gets it: "Weed out the unfuckables." Because if you're looking for honesty, you're going to find it on the internet. Mikey says that all of it is bullshit, and that the guy who walks through the door will be the man he spends the rest of his life with. Emmett walks through the door, telling Mikey that he's late on the rent check. Mikey furiously grabs the newspaper from Ted's grip.
The camera rushes past and then settles on Brian's latest trick. Why do all of the extras on this show look like a cross between Dr. Dave and Ben? It's all square jaw and brown hair. I want variety! I want Brian to have an enormous blond German once in a while, crushing him like clay. Is that so wrong? The guy wants another go-round with Brian, but Brian's not having it. He's got these new rules, remember. He can only fuck once, and no kissing. So he comes off as an asshole to this guy, giving him the brush-off, telling him to get out of his apartment. Brian pushes him away with the antenna of the cordless phone, but then it's gone in the shot. The trick figures out that Brian's got a boyfriend. He tells Brian that he used to have that open-door policy with an ex-boyfriend. He warns Brian that when you leave the door open, you never know who's going to walk in or out. Brian quickly tells the man to take the stairs instead of the freight elevator. "Cutting it a little close, aren't you?" he quips as he leaves.
Justin and his mom arrive in the elevator just as the trick disappears down the stairs. Jennifer beams to Brian about some sale she found. Justin kisses Brian and can instantly taste another man on him. "Looks like you picked up a few things," Brian says to Justin. "You too," Justin responds. Justin is wearing fashion we've been missing since Back to the Future. Jennifer cheers that she just sold a house. Nobody ever listens to her, so she has to congratulate and celebrate herself. She says she decided to splurge and buy her son some new clothes. Justin leaps over the couch and pulls a condom wrapper from behind the cushions. Does that mean that's where they normally keep the used condom wrappers? Justin says he's way too old to go shopping with his mom. Brian says he's not if Jennifer is paying. Jennifer isn't really paying attention to Brian and Justin because she's going through the neverending bag of clothes she just bought as Brian and Justin do a comedy routine over her head. Justin inspects the sheets. Brian yells that he hopes Jennifer remembered to buy Justin some "rubbers." Justin finds a pair of underwear. "For the rainy days," Brian adds. Jennifer is as unamused as I am. Justin hides the underwear behind his back as his mother holds up a sweater for him to inspect. She tells him he can wear it to Daphne's party. "I'm not going to the hetero hop with a bunch of beer-chugging breeders," he says, adding a lisp I've never heard him use before. And nice language, Justin. Your asshole boyfriend teach you that? Oh right, he did. Jennifer tells Justin that he's got to meet friends his own age. She adds a "nothing personal" to Brian, but it's not necessary. Brian says he agrees. "Youth should be savored," he notes. Sometimes Brian sounds like a serial killer. It's the complete lack of inflection in his voice. Meanwhile, Justin's sniffing something he found on the floor. Is that a washcloth? He's sniffing the cum cloth? Yikes, that's the grossest thing I've ever seen. Jennifer is going on about how she was pretty wild in her high school days. She makes this arm motion when she talks about how crazy she was that makes her incredibly endearing. Justin throws the cum cloth at Brian's head as Jennifer ducks down to get more clothing. Brian jokes that the "wild" thing must run in the family.
Jennifer has to go pick up Justin's sister. As she leaves, she wraps her arm around Justin's waist and tells him that college is going to be the best time of his life. She tells him she's excited for him. She kisses and hugs him goodbye. Justin all but pushes her out of the apartment and then attacks Brian. They kiss and fall back on the couch. Justin asks how "he" was. "Not bad," Brian answers. Justin asks what he looked like. Brian tells him to guess. Justin starts sniffing Brian's neck. He decides he's tall. He sniffs Brian's stomach and decides he's medium build, black hair, brown eyes. "Smoldering good looks," Justin concludes. Brian tells him that he's very good, and they go back to kissing. Justin asks Brian if he fucked him. Brian says he'll just show Justin what he did.
Emmett is in full army gear, jacking off on his rotating cushion bed. Never in my life did I think I was going to write that sentence. Emmett continues the G.I. Fetch thing up to the "Ready...Aim...Fire!" Ted watches mouth agape as Emmett orgasms for quite some time. I hate Ted's watching window. It reminds me of Danny Devito's window in Taxi. Emmett falls exhausted as Ted applauds. They make a few jokes about Emmett pleasing his fans. Emmett gingerly packs himself back into his pants as Ted carries over a box of goodies Emmett's fans have sent. Emmett squeals with delight as he sits down. The first card tells him that he's sending a token of affection and would like Emmett to think of him when he uses it. It's a big black dildo with a rainbow ribbon tied around it. Emmett is grossed out and tosses the dildo aside. I don't understand why Emmett's grossed out. That seems to be the most harmless gift someone in the sex industry could receive in the mail. The present asks Emmett to wear a jockstrap to the gym and then place it in the enclosed Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope. Ted's got the skeeves and makes a face. You guys are working in porn! Why give out a P.O. Box if you don't want fan mail like this? Ted starts to take the box away, but Emmett stops him when he spots something fancy inside. It's a tiny box from Tiffany's. It's a big gold bracelet. Big and chunky. It looks like a gold snake. Much more offensive than the dildo, if you ask me. Emmett loves it, though. "It's exquisite!" he whispers. Ted says, "It must have cost a fortune!" The card tells Emmett he's a "beacon of light" in the gloom of cyberspace.
I just need to take a moment here to ask how exactly this JerkAtWork.net thing works. People are paying for registrations seconds before Emmett shoots. How is that exciting or worth your $9.95 a month? I don't get it. And what's the big deal about the JerkAtWork.net feature of clicking a button that pulls up a screensaver? If you don't know how to make a window disappear with the push of a button, you don't deserve to watch porn at work. And what's on JerkAtWork.net the twenty or so hours a day that Emmett isn't jacking off in front of a webcam? Is it just a shot of the bed? Why do I care? Why?
Emmett slowly reads the rest of the card so we know the chunky junk was from a "secret admirer." Emmett is breathless and near tears as he confesses he's always wanted a secret admirer. He asks Ted to help him put the bracelet on. Ted tells Emmett he can't keep it. "It's gold!" Emmett says. "What kind of queen doesn't accept gold?" Ted says the one whose royal subjects send giant dildos and jockstraps. See, right here they could have come up with two gifts we haven't seen yet so there's actually a joke and not just a rehashing of things we already know. Not that I'm a writer for the show. But if I were, I'd give you a joke there. That's what I'd do for you. Because I love you. I know it's early in our relationship, but I'm averaging a page a minute on this show, and if that's the case, this will end up being a very long recap soon and we'll have spent months together on season two, episode eight, so I'd just like to get out here right now that I love you more than I've ever loved anybody I've never met before. Okay. Back to the recap. Ted calls Emmett's fans (and Ted's own clients) "lunatics." Nice. He tells Emmett that if he lets these people into his life, they're going to think that they're friends and they're going to expect something from Emmett and he'll never be rid of them. Well, that's true. I mean, I know we just met and all, but I feel like you guys have been kind of clingy ever since I told you that I loved you. I mean, sometimes "I love you" is just a figure of speech, okay? Emmett whines that the bracelet is shiny and pretty. Ted tells him to take it off. Emmett throws a tiny tantrum and pouts, "I don't want to." Ted takes the bracelet and walks off with the box of presents. "Everything in this life comes with strings attached," he says. "Even little white satin ones." Ted leaves the room. Emmett walks back over to the Tiffany's box and removes the bracelet and card.
Mikey's making a videotape personals ad. He's over-enthusiastic and pretty much Mikey, but the videographer isn't pleased with his performance. The videographer looks like a slacker Will Ferrell, and teases Mikey for acting so "fun." Mikey does it again, this time like he's some cool dude looking for a joint and a dick. Will Ferrell (but with the QaF square jaw and waxed hair) tells him that he's being too "beer commercial." He tells him to try it more personal this time. Mike says, "I never knew my father. He was killed in Vietnam two weeks after I was born." Heh. Mikey goes on about how he dropped out of community college and went to work at the Big Q because his Uncle Vic came to live with him because he was dying of AIDS. The videographer isn't amused at all. "Thanks for sharing," he says. "But, uh, looking for a date, not a therapist." He tells Mikey to try it one last time with a positive spin on it. Mike says he's twenty-nine, honest, sincere, has his own business. He likes working out, dancing, going to clubs. He has a great group of friends, but is looking for a certain someone. The videographer turns into Ben and completes Mikey's sentence by saying that underneath his mild-mannered appearance beats the heart of a superhero. Mikey has just stopped talking, much to the confusion of the videographer.
Emmett is staring at pretty jewelry through a jewelry store window. He eats some kind of pastry and has his Breakfast at Tiffany's moment until Debbie ruins it by showing off her own bracelets (the kind I wore to the roller rink when I was eight). She says you can hardly tell the difference. Emmett shows off his new gold thing and brags to Debbie that he almost lost a tooth proving how real it is. He says it's from his secret admirer. Debbie asks who Emmett thinks it is. Emmett says he'd like it to be this rich Prince Charming who whisks him off to his palace. Happily ever after and all that. Emmett says he knows it's unrealistic and his friends would probably laugh if they heard him. As if Emmett's never said anything like this before. Debbie says that his friends don't know anything about love and that they follow their dicks, not their hearts. Emmett says he has a dream of perfection, so he keeps looking, "hoping against hope" that he'll find it. Debbie says that in most cases, that kind of love only happens in the movies. They keep saying other lines about how true love doesn't exist as a limo pulls up behind them. The driver gets out and asks Emmett if he's Fetch. He's been sent to "fetch" him. Emmett says that his mother taught him not to accept rides from strangers, which I think is some solid advice. Somehow, Debbie talks him into taking the limo ride to strangerland. I hope Emmett's got a cell phone or something. Emmett asks who he works for. Debbie says the driver's going to say he's not at liberty to say, which he then says. Debbie convinces Emmett with the following sentence: "Whaddaya gotta do the rest of the day, wash out yer undies?" Oh, of course. Yes. Then I shall accept a ride from a total stranger who loves my porn site and sends me expensive things expecting nothing in return. Hold my calls.
Mikey is showing off his videotaped personal ad to Ted, Brian, Lindsay, and Mel. Why? Why? Why? Anyway, Mikey's beaming as the rest of the group looks uncomfortable because they're watching Mikey's weird personal ad where he just stares off into space for a while when he has a Ben hallucination. That'll get you dates, Mike. I'm never finishing this recap, am I? Mel tells Michael that he has excellent posture. Ted tells Mikey that he likes his shirt. Lindsay says he's absolutely adorable. Brian tells Mikey that it's pathetic. Michael ejects the tape and says that at least someone is being honest. I don't understand why Mikey and Brian are wearing almost the same shirt in this scene. Brian tells Mikey that he has to sell himself like he's toothpaste or shampoo. He needs sexy and hot. Speaking of hot, Ted decides to reheat his pizza. You guys, the writing makes me so sad sometimes.
Cue the sexy montage! Brian takes pictures of Mike using some strange videocamera/flash camera. Mike is looking very unsexy in a wrinkled white t-shirt and jeans. The girls are on the computer rewriting Mikey's personals ad. It's all the sexiness of Austin Powers brushing his teeth. There are jokes about "well hung" instead of "well-rounded" and "hot" instead of "nice." Mikey shoves his hand in his pants for a few of the pictures. He takes off his shirt. He shoves his hand in his pants and holds the other hand toward the camera. Brian is flirting with the camera, most likely because he can see the reflection of his own eye in the window. The scene slows to a crawl as Mikey looks terrified of the approaching water bottle. Brian dumps water over Mike's head so Mikey can shake like a puppy. More pictures are taken. "That's the one," Brian says. We see three shots of Mike that have been Photoshopped beyond recognition. Someone gave the boy a tan. The crowd is gathered around the computer, pleased with their false advertising. I guess they went with the online personals ad instead. Mike beams that he'd even date himself. "That's not exactly what I wrote," Lindsay says. "Writers," Brian grumbles. "Complaining every time you change a fucking word." Well, if the writers are complaining because you're changing their words into the show we're seeing, I think they have more than enough reasons to complain. Brian asks Mike how it feels to be the hottest guy on the internet. Even Mel has to laugh at that thought.
Emmett is eating caviar in the back of the limo, talking to himself. He says in the modern-day Cinderella, the coach would the a limo and Cinderella would have to be a man because no self-respecting single girl would get in the back of a stranger's car lured by jewelry and caviar. Well, he got that right. "Thank God," he adds through his giggles. Emmett stops and stares out the limo window. The house is indeed a castle.
Emmett is led through the mansion. It's very Daddy Warbucks, and I can't believe the joke wasn't made. Instead, he makes a Wizard of Oz joke about not being in Kansas anymore. Because that's the joke that's easier. "Fetch," a man calls from the top of the stairs. The lighting changes. Emmett swoons. It's an older man in a nice suit. He's good looking. Square jaw, of course. "It's him," Emmett whispers. He starts running up the stairs, calling the man "your majesty," "your grace," "your gorgeousness," and other things like that, thanking him for the bracelet and announcing himself "all yours." The man confesses that he's just the butler. The swelling music stops. Emmett is momentarily taken aback, but then gets excited. If this guy's just the butler...!
Emmett is led to a drawing room and left alone. Emmett begins a quick "If They Could See Me Now" song and dance number. He laughs and says he should compose himself. "It's much more Masterpiece Theatre," he says. Emmett does a little improv of being rich and important until he sees someone sitting in a chair by the fire. Emmett jumps, squeals and informs the older man in the red blazer that he nearly scared him to death. He tells the man that he's just waiting for "the master." This man is, of course, the master. Emmett is a bit disheartened that this much older man is his secret admirer. The man tells Emmett that he was "surfing," when he "came upon" Emmett. He flirts and tells Emmett that he's something special. Talented. He calls Emmett a boy and makes a joke George Burns stopped telling in 1972. He asks Emmett how much his services will require. He offers one thousand, two thousand, three. Emmett tells the man that he's misunderstood and that he's not for hire. I can't believe Emmett is so offended or shocked, seeing as how he was just a naked maid and got head for cash. He's already been a prostitute, right? This man looks like an old Dr. Dave, by the way, as he makes some joke about Emmett being hard. Emmett leaves the bracelet and says he didn't find what he was expecting. He thanks the guy for the gift, and for the few moments he was dreaming. He excuses himself.
Brian and Justin are in the shower. They kiss and clean, kiss and clean. Justin smiles under the harsh lighting. Kiss and clean. Puppy dog head-shakes. Justin asks if Brian wants Justin to fuck him. "I want you to wash my back," Brian answers. Justin washes Brian's back. He says they should get a "move on" because the "guys" are waiting for them. Brian tells Justin he should probably get some friends his own age. Justin says that Brian is his age emotionally. Brian suggests Daphne's party again. He says that Justin is always with Brian. "What if I meet some horny frat boy?" Justin asks. "Fuck him for me," Brian answers. He says he just wants Justin to enjoy his youth. "I certainly am," Brian adds.
I love how television shows make computer programs and websites out to be these videogame things. Mike checks his personals email and finds nineteen giant bobbing datable heads fill his monitor. Mike clicks the first one and I swear it looks like Ben. I think it must be Ben. One sentence of his bio reads: "My interests are sex, dancing, Tex-Mex food, and sex." Ted slowly informs us that this cute guy wants to meet Mike tonight. Emmett walks in. Mikey asks if he wants to see his dream date. "Fuck off," Emmett says. Wait. What day is it? I'm so confused. Is Emmett just getting home from the mansion? Didn't they do the personals ad while he was in the limo? Did the nineteen emails arrive while Emmett was driving home? And they're at Ted's porn shack now. Emmett tells the boys that the secret admirer was an old rich guy who thought Emmett was a hustler. The old guy's name is George Schickle. Ted and Michael know that he's Schickle of Schickle's Pickles. A shout-out to the Heinz man of Pittsburgh. Emmett says that Schickle can keep his three-hundred-year-old pickle. Emmett strips down to a pair of black underwear and holds a giant black dildo as he gives a big speech about how hard he works for a living. He looks into the camera and tells Mr. Schickle that what you see isn't what you get. Emmett squirts some lube on the dildo as the punctuation on his speech.
Breeder party. You can tell by the beers, cigarettes, and letterman jackets. Heavy guitar rock pumps through the smokey room as dudes bob their heads in a most excellent fashion. There are street signs just all over the floor, to show how rebellious and dangerous the dudes are. Justin is miserable. He recoils in horror from some girl checking him out. He tells Daphne he's miserable. Daphne's got pretty hair. Daphne's boyfriend smokes a joint as Justin complains about hetero people. Daphne says that if she has to deal with the people at Woody's, Justin should be able to hang at one party. Justin says the problem is that there's nobody to handle. He puts his beer down on a staircase and walks off. He instantly sees another gay boy with the same forlorn look on his face. They check each other out. Justin smiles, walks over, and puts his hand on the boy's crotch. Well, hello there. Nice to meetcha.
The boys walk into a bedroom (Daphne's room?) and take off their clothes. The boy tells Justin they have to be safe. Justin pulls out a condom and opens it with his teeth. He tells the boy to put it on his dick. The boy asks Justin to "go slowly" because he's a virgin. Justin figured as much. He says he'll take it easy. The boy clutches the bed as they have sex. The camera can't seem to settle anywhere, so it's just a blur of young flesh and the sound of the boy choking on his tongue.
Emmett's watching pouty television with his pouty TV tray. Michael wants Em out of the house because he's got a date, and they might want to fuck on the floor. Emmett says he won't leave any crumbs. He tells Mikey that most people lie on the internet and this date might end up being some old geezer. Mikey tells Emmett that there are still some honest people in the world. He opens the door to see Mr. Schickle. Mikey slams the door in the man's face and tells Emmett that he's right. He says his date's three hundred years old and in a red cardigan. Emmett recognizes his secret admirer and goes to answer the door.
Emmett tells Mr. Schickle that he doesn't like being stalked. Schickle says he went through a lot of trouble to find Emmett. I guess so, since he didn't know Emmett's real name. He tells Emmett that he feels horrible for insulting him. He wants to apologize and return the bracelet to him. Emmett says he doesn't accept gifts from fans. Schickle asks if Emmett will have dinner with him. He says "please" twice. He says he feels horrible for treating Emmett in such a rude and reprehensible matter. Emmett's won over, and agrees to dinner. Schickle laughs at every syllable Emmett says. Emmett sees Michael's date at the door. He's cute in that brown-hair-square-jaw way. Emmett complains that if the guy had shown up a couple of seconds ago, when he was single, it would have been better. Michael walks in. Fireworks. Attraction. Mikey invites the date inside. He enters. They decide to skip the actual date for fucking on the floor. They both announce they're negative and then get to the fucking.
Justin lights a cigarette and then lowers his sweaty naked body back down on all of the coats that belong to strangers. That's so nasty for all parties involved, really. He hands the cigarette to the boy, who asks Justin what his first time was like. Justin tells the story of fucking Brian, which we all know in greater detail than even Justin does. We saw angles he'd never get to see. Outside, some girl bangs on the door screaming that she needs her coat. "Fuck off!" Justin screams back. Nice. The naked boys laugh. Justin says he hates these stupid parties. The naked boy hates them as well. Justin says he had to come so that Daphne wouldn't hate him. The boy says that watching the "dudes" and "babes" makes him wish he stayed home to watch MTV. Where there's nothing but "dudes," "babes," "dogs," and "bitches." Justin asks why the boy doesn't go to clubs and bars to meet boys. Instead of the correct answer -- which is, "I'm seventeen" -- he tells Justin that he doesn't want to meet a lot of guys. He's looking for a boyfriend, a relationship. Run, Justin! Run! The boy launches into a full-on recital of "One Boy" from Bye, Bye, Birdie. To joke with, snort coke with. Justin says that's not how things work out. The boy tries to kiss Justin, but Justin turns away. Dejected, the boy starts to get dressed. Justin calls him over and breaks Rule #1 by kissing him. He then breaks Rule #2 by lowering him back to the bed for round two.
Emmett and Schickle are eating Burger Queen in the back of the limo. Burger Queen, y'all. Emmett says the pickles are his favorite part, of course. Schickle: "I relish the compliment." I can't groan loud enough. Emmett tells a story about Mississippi and fried pickles and how they used to suck pickles on the porch back when he was a boy. Emmett ponders how much those pickles affected his psychosexual development. Schickle damn near pops a vessel laughing at all of the things coming out of Emmett's mouth. Then Emmett goes off on how everyone hated him in Mississippi, but it didn't stop him from being who he wanted to be. "Fuck 'em all, that was my motto," he says. "Still is." Schickle says he lived a lie for a long time to make a family fortune and married a meat-packing heiress to make beautiful sandwiches together. Five years ago she found him giving the gardener a blowjob, and that was the end of it. They hadn't had sex since 1972, but she sued him for everything and now he doesn't see her or the children and is a social pariah. Emmett says that at least he's free to be himself. Schickle says he's friendless and has to find companionship over the internet. Way to bum us out, pickle pops.
The date is doing something to Mikey that makes him sweaty. Mikey mostly appears to be watching what's happening to him with awe more than enjoying what's going on. He tells the date he's perfect. "I know," the date answers. He says he wasn't always perfect. He used to weigh a lot more and have "hideous, coarse body hair." Then he went plastic-surgery-crazy, fixed and implanted everything, and now he's the six-million-dollar man, thanks to his parents' bank account. He's got a trainer, works out five hours a day, and can hardly eat a thing. He says that Mikey could stand some work: lose a few pounds, get a nose job, and get some pec implants. He tells Mikey he might want to consider a penile extension. Mikey's dream date has become a dud yet again. But I thought Mikey liked the egocentric, narcissistic type.
Brian arrives home to find Justin sleeping. He puts his hand under the sheet and wakes Justin up. Brian comments that Justin's slept all day and got in pretty late the night before. Justin says he got in just before the 3 AM curfew. Brian says the party must have been kick-ass. Justin says it was all right. "My nose tells me it was better than all right," Brian says. Man, don't these people ever shower? It's so gross to go sniffing other people's ass stank on each other. Seriously. I'm not a prude, but come on. My cat's better about his ass than these people. Brian starts sniffing Justin and tries to figure out the boy he fucked last night. Eventually he figures out that Justin took some boy's virginity. He kisses Justin and can tell that Justin kissed the kid. Justin gets up to take a shower.
Mikey's moaning about his Body Babe Robot date from last night to Mel and Lindsay at the diner. Gus is looking right at us. Quit it, Gus! It's creepy! Mel can't believe that Mike had sex on a date before they even had a conversation. The scene turns all When Harry and Harry met Sally and Sally... as Michael says that sex is different for men and women because it's more intense and immediate for men. Mel says that she and Lindsay "fuck like crazy" and that their "pussies soak the sheets." Mikey is nauseated. I'm a bit, too, but that's because Mel's saying this with her mouth full of french fries. Mikey turns and clutches his mother. He whimpers into her stomach. Mel and Lindsay laugh and tell Debbie that they scared him. Debbie tells Michael to call Ida again. Mikey moans that he'll end up with a Jewish princess. "You could end up with a lot worse," Lindsay says, and kisses Mel. Mikey whimpers again as his mother strokes his head.
Brian is lifting weights hardcore as Ted spots him. Ted and Emmett realize that Brian's over-working out because he's feeling a bit inadequate for his child boyfriend. Emmett says he doesn't envy Brian's youth problems. Brian says he doesn't have to, since he's dating someone who's one hundred and three. Emmett says they aren't dating. They just got burgers. "Hey! He can have solids!" Brian says. I think that's probably the best line, and I didn't hear it the first time I watched this episode. Emmett says that George is much nicer than the asshole Brian is. Ted asks if Emmett is going to see the pickle puss again. Emmett cryptically says that when they said good night, they also said goodbye. Ted wonders if Emmett actually liked Mr. Schickle. "Some guys are into prime aged cock," Brian says. Ted tells Brian he'd better hope that Justin is.
Mikey shows up at Ida's house. Ida is a middle-aged man who dresses like an old Jewish woman. He gets out his recipe box of men and tells Mikey not to worry -- Mikey doesn't have to date Ida. He asks Mikey to tell him what Mikey's dream date would be. Mikey describes the physical aspects of his perfect mate. Ida asks him to dig deeper and say what that perfect man is like on the inside. Mikey closes his eyes and says he has to be passionate about life, a survivor with a sense of humor. He has to be charming and kind. Creative, like a writer. Spiritual, like Buddha. Focuses on living in the now, with no time to waste. When Mikey's with his perfect mate, Mikey should feel like a better person. Ida looks through the box, chooses one name, nixes it and chooses another. Ida makes the date for tonight, telling Mikey that he'll know his date when he sees him.
Diner. Justin's boy toy shows up and looks around. Debbie tells him to "start breathing" and take a seat. He admits he's looking for Justin. Justin asks Debbie if he can take a break. Debbie tells him to take all the time he needs but that he should come back in five minutes.
Justin tells his boy that he doesn't know him. The boy says they know each other well and that he missed Justin. Justin tells him not to come there anymore. The boy can't figure out why. He's not such a good actor, this kid. All squinty, moving his head with every word. Justin says they fucked and that's all. The boy says there's more. He tells Justin that he's in love with him. Justin says that he's not in love with the boy. And Justin's character arc has come full circle, and I don't know what they'll do with him now that he's completely turned into Brian. Justin calls the kid "pathetic" and "a lovesick fairy." He tells the kid he's got a lot to learn: "Fags will say anything to get their dick sucked and fuck a nice ass. Then it's on to the ." As Justin walks off, the boy calls him on it, saying that he knows Justin feels something for him. Justin says he didn't feel anything, and that as far as he's concerned, the boy is "yesterday's fuck." The boy runs off in tears and Justin looks pretty satisfied.
My TiVo decided to stop taping here because it thinks this show is only forty-five minutes long on Sundays for some reason, so I missed the very beginning of the scene, but I think Emmett walks up to the mansion and finds Schecheckle in the garden. He makes a joke about Shchcheckle doing the gardener's work. He's brought a bag of fast food with him. Schechdechlke says that the gardener is good for some things. "It's a new gardener," he laughs. Emmett says he doesn't see how something so small and ugly could contain something so beautiful. He's referring to one of the bulbs they're planting. He says he planted a light bulb when he was a kid, thinking that by spring he'd have a chandelier. Shceckehckle laughs his ass off and calls Emmett charming. Emmett has brought them lunch. Burger Queen again, with extra pickles. Schicklelsgeckhele says, "That's very thoughtful of you, Fetch." Emmett confesses that his name isn't Fetch. Schdckechle says it's nice to meet him. Emmett and Schcechcle sit down. "Why not, right here!" Schechckles says in jubilation.
Fancy restaurant with piano again. Mikey walks in and tells us in a voice-over that he doesn't know how he'll recognize his date when he's never seen him before. Sitting at one of the booths is Ben. The real Ben, not a Ben stand-in or a Ben substitute. Everything clicks for Mikey and he realizes that Ida has set him up with Ben because Ben is the perfect guy for him. Mikey smiles and saunters up to Ben's booth. They make small talk. Mike sits at the booth and laughs about how Ida set them up. Ben doesn't know what he's talking about and says he's not there to see him. Ben's date then walks up. Mikey leaves, humiliated, walking past his own square-jawed date-to-be.
Babylon. Brian and Justin watch everything from the catwalk. "So many men, so little body hair," Brian says. Justin asks if he sees anyone he likes. They pick some random men and decide to go for it. "Or we could go home. Just the two of us," Justin offers. Brian asks about "the game." "Fuck the game," Justin says. Brian pulls Justin in for a kiss. They make out as the camera leaves them and the techno music turns to the piano. Fade to black. I'm exhausted.
week, Brian's mom shows up and meets Justin. Mikey brings Ben home again. Lots of mom problems left and right. Moms hate their gay sons.