Previously: Dr. Ben Bruckner was a hunky babe in Mike's comic book store. Justin asked Brian if he would still taken him in if he hadn't gotten his head cracked open like a coconut. Debbie told Brian that he loves Justin, even if he won't admit it. Ted made Emmett a porn star. Melanie told Lindsay that she was a porn star once, too. Justin tried to put Brian on a leash. And Ben confessed that he's HIV-positive.
Shake it, dude!
The Dungeon. On a computer monitor, Emmett jerks off violently, sneering like Billy Idol. It's not a good look for him. Way too butch. And, oh, no, the PenisCam is back. That's just all bad. In the Dungeon's "office," Ted counts off the rising number of visitors. There's another guy sitting in front a computer behind Ted. Tech Guy never speaks and has no name, so I'm going to assume he's straight. When the number reaches 1003, Emmett finally comes. Ted chortles, "Over one thousand self-satisfied customers!" At $29.95 a pop, that's not half bad. I might be in the wrong business. ["Same here. Wow." -- Wing Chun] Don't tell my mom I said that. As Emmett wipes himself off and puts on a robe, Ted brings over a bottle of water and straightens the bed. Ted tells Emmett to take a ten-minute break before they start "round three." Emmett drops into a nearby recliner and waves Ted off: "Honey, my dick's down for the count!" Ted's like, hey, but what about the record?" Emmett doesn't know what he's talking about. Ted bullshits, "Set by the legendary Peter Pounder. He once came six times in forty-five minutes." Emmett replies that he hasn't been able to do that since he was a teenager. Ted sighs and tells him not to worry about it, "Twice in thirty minutes is...respectable." Emmett is outraged. Respectable? He throws off his robe and snarls, "Rev up the webcam, boys! We're going for the gold."
The comic-book store. Debbie's brought lunch, and she doesn't want to hear any grumbling about it. Frankly, I think she's come to the wrong place, but Mike doesn't mind at all: "If it wasn't for you, I'd probably starve to death." Debbie grins, "As a mother of a future captain of industry, I couldn't very well let that happen." Mike doubts that he's going to reach that goal by selling comic books. Debbie thinks it's a good beginning, though. And she might be right. Even Stan Lee had to start somewhere. Enter the Babe, wearing jeans and a long bluish-grey turtleneck sweater. Mmm. Yummy. Ben shyly grins that he just came by to drop off the hat Mike left at his place the night before. Debbie stage-whispers to her son, five inches away from Ben, "His place? I didn't know you were getting laid. Good for you!" Thirty seconds before she made her first sexual reference. That's a record, isn't it? Mike rolls his eyes, because that's really his only defense, and informs her that sex was not involved. Debbie says that's a damn shame: "Better luck time." Dude. Ben is right. There. Jaysus. Debbie reintroduces herself to Ben. Ben remembers, because he has HIV, not Alzheimer's. Mike reminds Debbie that she's hard to forget. Much as we'd all like to try, sometimes. Debbie cackles that she has to get back to the diner, and exits after pointedly telling Ben how nice it is to see him again. Ben laughs, "That is some kind of mother you've got there." Mike says that Ben doesn't know the half of it. Ben says he'd like to, though, along with anything else he can find out about Michael. Mike smiles: "You're going to make me blush. Which, after growing up with her, you'd think was impossible." Ben also came by to see how Mike was dealing with Ben's little revelation. Ben still hasn't figured out a way to introduce it gracefully into a conversation: "'My name is Ben, I'm thirty-three, Pisces, I love the outdoors and I'm HIV-positive.'" Mike apologizes for freaking out, but it's the first time he's had to deal with the issue. Personally. With someone he wanted to suck face with. Or just suck. Ben replies that most men leave scorch marks on the carpet. Mike snorts, "Please. Right after my mother told me I was gay, she gave this big safe sex lecture. I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive." Ben frowns, "I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure...I think a cucumber is a lot to live up to." But I'm sure he'll do his best.
Happy Fun Garage. Melanie and Leda (hey, Leda!) are checking out Mel's car. Leda's under the hood and shakes her head: "You've got grief in the gearbox, baby. Just like my love life." Somehow I find that difficult to believe. Or to believe that's a permanent situation. No one explains why she's still in Pittsburgh, though. I guess her art show hasn't opened up, yet. But it's cool. She can hang. Anyway. Leda warns Mel that the repairs aren't going to be cheap. Melanie swears loudly, just as Lindsay pushes Gus up the driveway in his stroller. Lindsay tsks, "Language! You trying to turn our Gus into a trash mouth?" Might as well get it out of the way early. Mel and L. kiss hello and Mel tells her about the car. St. L. sighs that they did have enough money saved for the wedding. Pout! Now what are they going to do? I suppose "sparing the recapper" isn't an option? No? Sigh. Melanie shrugs that they'll have to cut a few corners. Lindsay won't hear of it. They'll just have to find another way to get the money. Mel snickers, "Forget my mom. The Early Bird special was hatched in her honor." Leda asks if the Reagans can help out. Mel hoots. Lindsay asks what that was for. Melanie gasps, "Honey, you're a dyke, you're marrying a Jew, and you're a registered Democrat. Need I say more?" Lindsay decides to bring it up with her parents at dinner that evening, anyway. Melanie thought they weren't going. I'm shocked they were even invited. Lindsay replies that now they have a reason to go. Melanie's all, uh uh: "I don't want you begging them for money." Lindsay snaps, "They paid for all three of my sister's weddings, they can fucking chip in for ours." Good luck with that.
The gym locker room. Ted, predictably, asks Brian and Mike if they want to go to Babylon (!). Mike stammers that he has to do inventory. Brian thought inventory was at the end of the month. Brian remembers when inventory is? Mike stutters something about all the extra work that's needed to get a business on its feet, blah. Ted and Brian aren't fooled for a second. Who's the guy? Mike lies that there is no guy. Brian guesses it's "the teacher." Mike corrects him -- the non-existent guy is a professor. Ted snarks, "So, what does that make you, Mary Ann or Ginger?" Definitely Gilligan. Brian asks when they get to meet The Hunk of Higher Learning. Mike wisely replies, "Never." Ted asks if something's wrong with Ben. Mike snorts, "Something's wrong with you! I would like this one to live!" So to speak. "Before my best friends devour him!" Because that's why your relationship with Demon fell apart, right? Whatever. Emmett makes his entrance in from the shower, and is immediately accosted by a Fetch Dixon fan. Emmett stays modest, even when FanBoy asks to see "it" for a second. That's when Ted jumps between them and tells FanBoy, "If you want to sample the merchandise, you have to sign up for JerkAtWork.net. Sorry." Ted leads Emmett away, and Emmett confesses to Mike, "Third time today." Mike tells him to get used to it. He's a star, now. Brian scoffs, with just a hint of jealousy, "His dick's a star. [Emmett's] just the life-support system." Mike grins, "Careful, or he'll get a swelled head." Groan, already. Ted snaps good-naturedly, "Hey, save it for the website." Emmett demurs, "Would y'all just stop? I'm not a star. I'm still little ole me, just a plain ole country boy from Mississippi. Giving my friend Teddy a helping hand." Brian and Ted giggle like seven-year-olds at the unintended pun. And you know, I realize it's winter in Toronto, but if they're going to be wandering around shirtless, pantsless, and other-less, can't CowLip invest in some sun lamps? I can practically see right through Peter Paige.
Dinner with the Reagans. I hate them. I really, really do. You'll see why in a second. Nancy natters on cheerfully, "And the way Lynette's been hinting, I think I may be a grandmother soon!" OUCH. Lindsay, blinking in hurt at her mother's insensitivity, reminds the First Bitch that she already is a grandmother. Nancy, vaguely realizing what an assy remark she just made, tells her daughter that she knows that. Melanie tries being nice and compliments Nancy on her red coral necklace. Nancy grasps it and chirps that it's from Bali, and asks if Melanie's ever been. No, but Melanie has an aunt that owns a jewelry store. Nancy proudly crows that Lynette got it on her honeymoon. Not sure which one, though. Lindsay pipes up, "We decided to skip our honeymoon for right now. You know, because of all the expenses?" Nancy ignores her. Ron notices that they're out of rolls. Nancy sighs that they should have gone to "Chez Denis over on the river. Duncan took Lynette there on Saturday, and they had a lovely meal." Melanie's definitely getting angry now. St. L. gives it another shot, and says that she and Mel were thinking about having Chez Denis cater the reception. Mrs. Reagan is surprised -- isn't that expensive? Lindsay explains that it's no more expensive than the caterer Lynette used for each of her weddings, hint, hint, how do you even sleep at night, you callous cow? Ron chuckles that at least his favorite daughter is consistent. Ha, ha, ha, I hope you DIE. Steam starts to pour out of Mel's ears. Lindsay bravely continues that they were hoping Ron and Nancy could help them out. Nancy's like, hey, if you see the waiter, can you ask him for some butter? Lindsay adds that any help they could give would be appreciated. Now this is just getting pathetic. Nancy sighs. Lindsay points out, once again, that they helped the First Daughter with her weddings. Nancy shakes her head, saying that was different. "How is it different?" squeaks The Saintly One. Nancy emphatically states, "Because her wedding was real. Yours...well, I don't know what yours is." Lindsay looks over at her father, but Ron's too busy cutting into his steak.
The Park. Mike and Ben walk and talk past smooching couples. Yes, gay couples. Everyone knows straight people aren't allowed to make out on this show. Mike tells Ben that he finished reading his book. Wait. We're supposed to believe that Mike finished reading a book in one day? Really? It's not so much a cap on Mike's intellectual ability -- well, okay, it is, sort of -- but that's pretty fast for anyone. Ben eagerly asks, "'How did you like it,' the insecure writer asks, trying desperately to sound nonchalant." Mike replies that he didn't like it. He loved it! He nods, "Especially that part where the Customs officials in Thailand confiscated your HIV meds." Oh, yeah. Good times. Ben scoffs that it was one of the worst days of his life: "But as they say, out of adversity comes knowledge. I've learned to put my fears aside and just find serenity in the chaos." Mike wishes he could do the same: "I think I do the opposite. I could find chaos in serenity with my eyes closed." Join the club. Ben says that the trick is to "stop regretting the past, and fearing the future. And just live in the now." Unfortunately, he doesn't have a much of a choice. Mike says Debbie has a similar saying: "If you've got one foot in the future, and one in the past, then you'll piss on today." Ben likes that Buddha and Debbie have a lot in common. Mike snorts, "What, they're both Jenny Craig dropouts?" Good point, but not so cool to dis your mom in front of your new...whatever. Ben explains that "Buddha teaches you to focus on the smallest details. The way the breeze feels against your cheek. The way your shirt falls against your body. To feel someone's hand on your back. It helps you realize that this moment is all there is." Mike agrees hopefully: "Well, if that's true, then we should probably take advantage of it." The two kiss for a moment, until Ben pulls away and orders Mike to come with him. Mike asks where they're going. Ben grins, "To experience The Now."
Babylon! Ted's doing some recruiting on the dance floor. He tells a tall Black HDGB, "I can tell you have a lot of talent. Really big talent." Ted gives NBA-HDGB his card, and tells him to call if he ever needs some extra dough. Ted pimp-struts back to Brian and Justin at the bar. Brian drawls, "Hey, Porn King. Why don't you introduce me to some of your new friends?" Brian's getting awfully lazy lately. Old Brian would never stooped to pick up after Ted's leftovers. Ted's leftovers, now. Ted ignores Brian and grabs his beer off the bar. That's when Justin notices the Rolex on Ted's wrist. Ted's like, "All those years seeing those wealthy clients come in with their big cars and their fancy jewelry. There I was this dumb jerk in a cubicle, hunched over a computer making them rich. Now it's my turn." Revenge is a dish best served gold. Emmett makes his way through the crowd, hailed, pinched and prodded at every turn. When he finally reaches the bar, he assures his friends, "Ultimately, it's all so empty. You know, at the end of the night, you still go home alone." Not if a passing HDGB giving Emmett The Look has anything to say about it. Emmett catches it and nods, "But not tonight." Emmett tries to follow the HDGB, but Ted jumps in the way to remind his cash cow that he has a show tomorrow. Emmett needs to conserve his strength: "And no more drinking and eating peanuts. You'll gain weight." Ted orders Em to go home and get some sleep. Brian and Justin can't believe what they're hearing. And then, before their very eyes, Ted tries to "recruit" the guy that Emmett was going after! Ru-ude! Emmett's mouth drops open in shock. Brian's outraged for him: "So Mr. Producer gets to go home with the hottie, and the porn star has to go home alone?" Emmett tries to gloss it over: "He's right. I need to conserve my strength." Brian asks to see Emmett's wrist. Raise your hands if you thought Brian was going to make a masturbation joke. Because I know I did. Instead, Brian admires Em's watch. Emmett replies that he's not wearing a watch. Brian points out that Ted, on the other hand, is wearing a Rolex. Emmett frowns. Justin snickers. Brian pats Emmett on the arm and tells him to go get his "beauty rest."
Enter Mike and The Babe. Ben gazes at the melee in glee, as gold glitter falls around them. He has the biggest, best smile. It takes up, like, his whole entire face. Mike laughs, "I thought when you said you wanted to experience the now, that you meant something spiritual." Ben tells him about a New Guinea tribe that dances until they collapse: "It's how they freed themselves from their bodies, from time." He has HIV. Time is important to him. We get it. Ben says that Babylon (!) bears a striking resemblance to that ritual. And then he takes off his shirt. And everyone is happy. Ben drags Mike into the middle of the floor, and the two of them boogie down. The Exposition Fairy sees them first and points the couple out to the rest of The Boys. Ted calls Mike over, and somehow, over all the noise, Mike hears him. Mike tells Ben that they've been spotted. Mike tries to warn him, but Ben's already figured that they're "judgmental? Vicious? Condescending?" And that's just Brian. Ben's game to go over and meet The Boys, anyway. He greets them all with his huge, friendly smile. Brian puts on his best sneer and tries to give Mike shit for lying to them about having to work. Ted thinks that Ben looks familiar, and asks if they went to the same college. Nope. Mike proudly tells Ted that Ben wrote the book R-U-1-2?. That's a sure tip-off, dipstick. And sure enough, that's where Ted recognizes Ben from. Ted excitedly tells The Babe that he read a book review in The Advocate and ran out and got it. Ben laughs, "So, you were the one." Ted replies, "Come on, you got great reviews. It was so honest, so forthright, so...revealing." Ding! Ben sees the recognition in Ted's eyes, but he replies, still game, "Yeah, well, that's what we writers do -- we sort of cut ourselves open and bleed all over the page." Unfortunate metaphors abound. Mike pulls Ben back onto the dance floor. Justin's like, wow, Ben's really hot. Brian shrugs that he's all right. Ted nods, "Looks, brains, he's a nice guy, too. I'd say he's perfect, except for one thing. He's positive." And I'm sure Mike doesn't mind you telling everyone, either.
Some bakery. A large anvil...I'm sorry, "wedding cake" sits on top of the counter. Melanie brings a plate of pastries over to Lindsay, who mopes pathetically at their table. Mel got her a croissant. Lindsay doesn't want a croissant. But Lindsay loves croissants! Lindsay said she doesn't want one! Okay? So just drop it! So, Melanie picks the croissant up and drops it on the floor. Hee! Lindsay cracks a smile, then groans that she should never asked her parents for help. Yeah. Duh. Melanie tries to be practical: Lindsay asked them, they said no, so why don't they just go ahead and look at wedding cakes? Lindsay pouts that they can't afford one, but she's not upset about the money. Melanie understands that it's about the love: "You want them to show you the same amount of attention that they show Lynette." Mel shrugs that maybe she and St. L. should put out more of an effort themselves: "We've never really asked them over to see how we live. Meet our friends." Melanie suggests that they invite Ron and Nancy over for brunch with the gang. This has tsunami written all over it. Lindsay laughs that Melanie can't be serious. Oh, but she is, "If they could see that we're a real family, with a real life, just like your sister, then they might feel differently." Looks like another contrived plotline is about to rear its ugly head. Strap in.
Liberty Diner. Emmett, Brian, Mike and Ted share a booth. Mike assures them that "I'm positive" was the first thing out of Ben's mouth. Brian smirks, "After your dick." Shut UP, Brian. Ted finds it commendable that Ben told him, "but it still doesn't change the fact that [Mike's] playing with fire!" What if the condom breaks? Ted asks. What if Ben flosses his teeth and his gums bleed? And, what, afterwards Mike uses the same piece of floss? Because that would be gross. I know, I know, Ted's talking about oral infection. Lighten up, wouldja? Brian snarks, "What if [Ben] shoots his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe, and it accidentally flies up your ass." Mike laughs. Ted frowns, "Christ, Brian, do you have to make a joke out of everything? Especially your best friend's safety!" Mike snaps that he knows how to be safe. Ted replies that Mike thinks he does, but "it's not just being careful, it's living with death. Knowing that Ben has something inside of him that could kill him. And if you have just one little fuck-up, one moment of forgetfulness, one little mistake, it could kill you, too." The Boys are quiet in the face of the potential tragedy. Emmett thinks that Ted might be a tad melodramatic, though. They know plenty of people whose boyfriends are positive. Ted's like, whatever: "These people aren't Michael." Aww, Ted still cares! Ted reminds Emmett that he wasn't so easygoing when he thought he was positive. Ya had to remind me, right? Mike says that he appreciates the concern: "But you're talking about Ben like he's the disease and not a person. And if you were seeing someone that you cared about, I think you would feel differently." Ted can't see it: "I'm sorry, I know it's not politically correct, but I wouldn't do it, no matter how much I liked the guy." Debbie walks up with a fresh pot of coffee and asks what it is Ted wouldn't do, again? Oh, this should be interesting. Emmett explains that they were talking about dating someone who's positive. Ted looks apprehensive, not quite sure where this is going to go. Debbie -- wearing a t-shirt that proclaims, "Some people are just too white" -- sticks a hand on her hip and replies, "That's a hell of an attitude. And I've got to say that I'm surprised to hear that from one of you, considering all the guys you fuck." Ted glares at Brian and mutters, "Numbers may vary from person to person." Brian sticks his tongue out at him. Debbie continues that one of them could be HIV-positive, "and the reason you're not isn't because you're always careful. I know goddamn well that isn't true." Emmett gazes at Ted, waiting for the punchline. Debbie adds that they're lucky: "So don't tell me you couldn't love somebody just because they're not as fortunate as you are. More reason to, if you ask me!" Tell her, tell her! I wanna see the look on her face! Mike finally sighs that Ben's positive. YES! Debbie's holding on to the smile, holding on to it, whoops, there it goes!
The Dungeon. Ted preps the bed for Emmett's arrival. Emmett strolls in wearing a long brown leather trench coat, a fugly patchwork scarf, and brown aviator glasses. Ted asks where he's been. Emmett replies that he was preparing a list. Ted, who apparently never learned his lesson from Robbie, snaps that Emmett can "do [his] grocery shopping list later, okay?" Em holds the piece of paper out. Ted rolls his eyes, grabs it, and reads, "Private dressing room with toilet. Round spinning bed. Ten percent of gross profits. What the fuck is this?" Emmett says they're called "artist's demands." Ted reads on and sees that Emmett also wants a certain kind of lube. What's wrong with the lube? Emmett snorts, "That grease is so cheap, you could fry chicken in it." Ted thinks this is a joke. Ted's wrong. Emmett tells him to look at the last thing on the list, because it's his favorite. Emmett wants his name over the bed. See? Always going too far. He then goes on to wonder if it should just be his first name, like Cher, done up in lights, so that his "fans can see when you pull back for a long shot." Ted walks back to the computer and snorts, "Well, excuse me, Cher, but there's only one long shot your fans are interested in, so come on. Less yak and more jack." Emmett's serious about the list, however. Ted's pretty sure he's not: "If it weren't for me, you'd still be moonlighting as a naked maid, buffing in the buff, trying to pick up a few extra bucks!" Did Emmett ever get that butt lift? Surely he's made enough money for it by now. Emmett gives as good as he gets: "And if it weren't for me, you'd still be a pencil pusher, pulling your pud!" Ted is furious that Emmett thinks Ted owes his success to Emmett. Which he does, of course. Hello? Ted snarls that he can replace Emmett at any time! Nasty! Emmett doubts that. Ted rips up the list in his best friend's face and adds, "Dime a dozen." Flouncing out the door, Emmett tosses Ted the jizzball and adds, "And when you do? Give him this. He's going to need it!" O! Is this the end of our beloved T-Emmett? Yawn.
Debbie's. Debbie deep in her conflicted thoughts, as she dusts the figurines over her fireplace. Vic asks what's up: "Last time I saw you cleaning the tchotkes was when Michael moved away with [Demon]." Debbie complains that the place is a pigsty. Now Vic really wants to know what's going on. Debbie says that she can't tell him, because it's "personal." Vic chuckles, "What could be personal, after you've wiped my ass?" Debbie growls, "Well, you haven't wiped mine!" Vic points out that she's cleaning the same figurine over and over, and tries to take it from her. Debbie yells at him to leave her alone, and the sad ceramic clown crashes to the floor. The figurine, I mean. Debbie blames him. Vic apologizes. Debbie pushes him away. Vic looks hurt and confused some more. Debbie finally confesses that Ben's HIV-positive. Vic doesn't get it. Debbie tells him that she doesn't want Mike dating anyone who's sick. Vic shrugs, "Who said he's sick?" Debbie replies that Vic is probably the wrong person to talk to about this. Well, we're certainly racking up the "duh" moments this week. Vic doesn't understand. Is she saying that negative people and positive people shouldn't date? Debbie yells at him to not twist her words: "He's my son. I don't want him getting anything!" Which is harsh, but understandable. I'm sorry, but it really is. Vic is going to act all hurt for the rest of the show, but seriously, does he want Michael to get infected? Doubtful. This is nothing against Ben. Ben is a lovely person. But he's a lovely person with a deadly contagious disease. Sucks to be him, Sucks to be Mike, but there it is. However. If Mike is willing to take the risk, then it's certainly his choice to do so. God. I should just build soapboxes for a living. Anyway. Debbie continues, "I never thought I'd say this. But for the first time in my life, I wish my son wasn't gay." ["Right. Because heaven knows no straight people that might for instance be named Magic Johnson are HIV-positive." -- Wing Chun] Gasp! Vic says that she doesn't mean that. Doesn't matter. Mike walked in unnoticed, and heard her say it. We're racking up the "ouch" moments here, too. Debbie adds, "Not if it means I have to watch him puking, and shitting. And wasting away to nothing." Vic refuses to listen to any more. Debbie shouts, "Do you think I want Michael to end up like you?" Mike's eyes narrow dangerously. Debbie finally notices that her son is in the room.
Mike runs upstairs, with Debbie close at his heels. Once they're in his room, Mike yells at her, "How could you talk that way to Uncle Vic? You really hurt him!" Debbie futzes that people say mean things when they're upset. And faced with their own hypocrisies. Don't forget that. She asks how long Mike was going to wait to tell her about Ben? Mike didn't think she'd care, "especially after the noble sentiments and hash browns [she was] dishing out at the diner." Debbie throws up her hands and says, "I'm going to make you very, very happy. You always wanted a normal mother? Okay, you've got one. I don't want you dating that guy!" Mike doesn't give a shit. He's thirty years old. He can date who he wants. It's none of her business. And Debbie can take her turn to dance with Cognitive Dissonance alone.
Brian's. Brian and Justin are making love. Justin, between kisses, says that he and Brian are really lucky: "Every time Michael and Ben have sex, think of all they have to deal with." Brian monotones that it's Michael's decision, and playfully points out a pimple on Justin's ass. Justin's horrified. Brian giggles. Did Brian Kinney just crack a smile during sex? Will wonders never cease? Justin continues, "No matter how long they're together, even if it's forever, they can never do it raw." Brian says that he and Justin don't do that, either. Justin says that they could, if they wanted to, since they're both negative. Brian asks if that's what he wants. Justin says yes. Brian pushes him back on the bed and snarls, "Fuck...yourself. You stupid little twat. Never let anyone fuck you without a condom." Justin's like, you're not just anyone. Yeah, he's just the guy that fucks co-workers on a whim. Random men in the Back Room of Sex. Etc. Brian adds that Ben probably thought the same thing about whoever infected him. I'm kind of digging the PSA quality of this ep, actutally. Brian hands Justin a condom and tells the boy to put it on him. And then he pulls Justin close to whisper, "I want you safe. I want you around for a long time." Fuzzies!
Happy Fun Brunch. Melanie brings a big vase of flowers out into the dining room. Leda's pouting on one of the chairs, wearing her usual leather and denim ensemble, with a handkerchief tied over her head like Axl Rose. Lindsay walks in with her hair pulled back tightly, wearing a white blouse buttoned up to her chin, a straight brown skirt and brown flats. St. L. says that the table looks great, but how does she look? Mel takes one good look and gasps, "Like a fucking nun. What happened to your tits?" Don't worry, I'm sure they're swinging free in there somewhere. Leda grimaces as she picks up an hors d'oeuvres, "Who knew my year working in a piercing salon would come in so handy?" The doorbell rings and Lindsay leaps to answer it. That has to be Tasha and her harp! A harp? But no such, uh, luck. It's Brian. Lindsay's disappointed that he's not the harp. Predictably, Brian snorts, "I'm into fucking, not plucking, and what happened to your tits?" Brian's come to take Gus away from the disaster area as soon as possible. Gus is sitting right to Leda, who takes the opportunity to introduce herself. Brian grabs the hors d'oeuvres out of her hand and drawls, "Melanie's evil ex." Leda grins, "And you must be the Anti-Christ. Big fan." Hee. Brian takes a sip of something, but Leda tells him not to bother; there's no alcohol in it. Lindsay asks Brian to have Gus back by two, so the sitter can come pick him up. And Brian should wear something nice to the brunch. And shave. Brian grins that his "balls are as clean as a whistle." No, really. Shut up. As Brian's walking out, Tasha and her magical harp walk in. Lindsay asks Leda to "show [Tasha] where to put it", and then runs to answer the ringing phone. Leda grins at Brian. Brian grins back. That one is way too easy. Melanie explains that they're trying to make Lindsay's parents feel at home. Brian suggests caskets in the living room. Leda suggests that everyone wear strap-ons. Then she slides up to Brian to ask if he's ever "been fucked by a dyke with a dildo?" Brian asks if that's an offer. The chemistry between these two is scary. And confusing. And did I mention scary? Melanie snaps, "This is really important to Lindsay, so could both of you keep your fucking foul mouths shut?" Lindsay walks back in and announces that her parents aren't coming. Supposedly, Ron slipped a disk, and "he'll be on his back for days." Brian drawls that he'd like to see that. Lindsay's really upset and screams at him to shut up. See? It's not just me. Leda busts up laughing, and Melanie glares at her before walking up the stairs after St. L.
The park. Mike and Brian push Gus in a swing. Mike says the scene with Debbie was straight out of The Twilight Zone. Brian says that his favorite episode was "where you could trade your old body for a hot new one." Surprised? Mike mutters that Debbie wished he wasn't gay. Brian's taken aback at that one, but smiles, "Well, I'll always be happy that you're a big queer." They kiss and a woman passing by comments that they make a beautiful couple. And then starts to coo at Gus. And then adds that Gus looks just like...Mike. Mike cracks up. Brian nods, "You know, she's right." Mike's like, uh, no, Gus looks just like Brian. Brian meant that Debbie was right: "You should forget Ben." Mike grouses, "What the fuck do you know?" Brian says that he knows advertising, and he knows Mike: "Those ads you see for the cocktails, with the great-looking guys skiing and mountain climbing? Like all you have to do is pop a little protease inhibitor and you, too can have the time of your life. But it's just kind of tough to go downhill racing when you have non-stop diarrhea." Well, not if there's a restroom at the bottom. Mike says that he can handle it. Brian shrugs, "Then handle it. Kiss it. Jerk it off. Just don't fall in love with it."
The White House. Nancy opens the door, and there's Melanie, dead serious in her black leather jacket. She stalks past Nancy into the living room, where Ron is fully upright and swinging a tennis racket. He thinks it's George and Barbara showing up for their doubles game. Oops! He has the grace to look ashamed when it's not. Melanie congratulates him on his recovery. Ron shrugs, well, you know these back injuries, heh, they come and go! Ha. Nancy sighs that this is all very awkward. You created this situation, lady. Deal. Melanie replies, "'Awkward'? That you couldn't come over to our house for a couple of hours? Lindsay's been working her ass off for you. Would it have been so fucking hard to show up?" Ron and Nancy admonish her for her language. Melanie continues, "Your excuses are bullshit. All she wants from you is to show her a little support." Nancy snaps that Mel and L. are only interested in their money. Ron thinks that's going a little too far, but Nancy wants to lay it out on the table. Melanie sighs, "Look, I know what you think about me. I'm the slick Jew lawyer come to shake you down for a few sheckels. The dyke who corrupted your daughter. Well, you're wrong. I'm Lindsay's loving partner, and Gus's adoring mother. And I know that I will never cause him the pain that you've caused her. He'll never have to wonder whether or not I love him." Melanie leaves Ron and Nancy staring self-righteously at each other.
Debbie's back yard. She and Vic rake leaves and avoid meeting each other's eyes. Finally, Debbie can't take it anymore and asks if they're ever going to talk again. She apologizes for what she said, or at least how it sounded: "I've just had it with this fucking disease." Vic's like, yeah, tell me about it. Debbie doesn't think she can go through it all again. Vic reminds her that Mike doesn't have HIV. Debbie's like, yeah, but Ben does: "And there's nothing in his life that won't be affected by it. Including Michael. And what affects Michael affects me." True, but my God, cut the cord already. Or at least show the boy a little support. Vic likens HIV to marriage, "You don't just get them, you get the whole damn family." Debbie snaps, "Well, I'm not so crazy about the in-laws." Vic laughs. Debbie what's to know what happens if Mike does catch it? Vic nods, "First we die. And then we deal with it." Debbie resigns herself to it, and throws a few leaves at her brother as a peace offering.
The Happy Fun Mausoleum. As Tasha plays the harp, the Righteous Babe Brigade putters around. Lindsay and Melanie mope on the sofa. Lindsay pouts that their party sucks. Mel says she prefers to think of it as "mellow." Lindsay decides to go upstairs and "swallow a bottle of Xanax." In the kitchen, Justin complains that the flowers are triggering his allergies. Brian says that's a good enough reason to get out of there, but Leda blocks their way: "And leave me alone with the ladies who munch? No way." Brian shrugs that there's only one thing to do, then, and pulls a bag of Ecstasy out of his back pocket. Justin and Leda approve.
Out in the dining room, Emmett circles the table and drawls, "Well, I can honestly say there isn't one thing here that I would put in my mouth." At the opposite end of the table, Ted mutters, "That's a first." Emmett's like, excuse me? Ted speaks up and repeats, "This food's the worst." The two fake-smile at each other. I just can't summon enough interest for this dead-end plot. There is NO chance that their friendship is going to end. Emmett tells Mike, who's in the metaphorical position at the middle of the table, that he just got a big offer from CocksRUs.net. Mike replies, no, no you didn't tell me. Ted asks Mike if he told him about his new star: "Dick Long. Not only lives up to, but surpasses his name." Mike's like, really, ya don't say? Emmett growls, "You can tell Mr. Schmidt, if you happen to see his wizened countenance, that he still owes me my last paltry paycheck." Ted snaps back, "And you can tell Mr. Honeycutt, whose ass has more treadmarks than a steel-belted radial, that if he doesn't come and pick up his personal effects, his dildos will be donated to charity." The RBB is starting to stare. Mike's had enough, and tells them both to talk to each other, already! Ted yells that he's the one who created Emmett's fame! Emmett snaps that Ted would be out of business if it weren't for him. Ted growls, "You could show a little gratitude!" Emmett snaps back, "And you could show a little generosity!" Mike tells them both to grow up. T&E scream at him to mind his own business, and then stalk away to opposite sides of the room.
Brian mixes the E in the punch bowl, then goes up to the bedroom. Lindsay's all morose on the bed. Brian jumps up to her. Lindsay tells him to go away. Brian tells her to make him. She pulls her hair out of a bun and unbuttons her shirt and continues to be depressed. Brian asks if she really cares what Ron and Nancy think. Lindsay reminds him that they are still her parents. She grabs the joint out of Brian's hand and adds, "I know I shouldn't care. I shouldn't let them hurt me. It's not my job to please them. To make them happy." Brian asks her if she remembers "Billy the Asshole's birthday party junior year." Lindsay remembers that she got dumped by her girlfriend during it. Brian sighs, "Those were the days." Lindsay's like, this is you trying to cheer me up? "I was a wreck." Brian grins, "Not for long." Then Lindsay remembers, "Thanks to you putting E in the punch...loose women...and the B-52s." Brian drawls, "Those who don't learn their lessons are condemned to repeat their courses." And from downstairs, they hear "Love Shack" start to play.
It's louder in the living room. Much louder. Everyone's half-naked, tripping out, and having a great time. Leda decides it's time to ride Justin like a pony. The boy's laughing too hard to mind. Lindsay busts up when she comes downstairs, and Leda grins, "The bitch is back." Melanie's stripped down to a tank top and orders Lindsay to dance with her. Emmett pushes through the crowd on his way out the door. Leda's got a blue dildo strapped on and asks Brian if he likes it. Brian asks if her offer still stands, and starts to swing her around by it. Mike's just a little weirded out by that. Leda makes Justin suck on the dildo. As Mel's swinging Lindsay into a dip, Ron and Nancy walk in the door. Of course. Nancy snipes, "You call this brunch?" Mel offers them some punch. Hee! Lindsay gasps that she thought they weren't coming. Nancy prims, "We changed our minds. And from the look of things, we shouldn't have." Ron's making the best of it and getting friendly with some lesbians over in the corner. Lindsay, almost crying, says that they were just having some fun. Nancy finds it hard to believe that her daughter thinks this debauchery is fun. Lindsay's like, yeah, this is fun, and introduces her parents to the room. Everyone waves happily at Ron and Nancy. Nancy sneers that they're not staying. Nancy calls Ron back to her side, but Lindsay stops them and says, "You know, the whole point of this party was to prove that we're just like you, so you'd accept us. Like I'd tried to accept you." Nancy wasn't aware that she needed acceptance. Lindsay counters, "You're right, Mom, you don't. Neither do we." The gang titters some more, and Melanie nuzzles Lindsay contentedly.
The Dungeon. Ted's going over the books when Emmett walks in. Emmett explains that he came by for his personal effects. Ted timidly hands Emmett his last check. Is that regret I see in Ted's eyes? Probably. Ted's going to say something, but Emmett stops him, "Let's not say anything more. We've both made our positions painfully clear." O, the exquisite pain! The Way We Were of it all! Emmett pulls his things off a rack nearby -- feather boa, gold scarf, leather harness, dildoes. You know, the usual. Ted struggles to express his feelings. I struggle to stay awake through the non-tense non-drama. Let's GO! Ted finally stutters that Emmett's fans will miss him. Emmett sighs, "Well, I'm sure Dick Long will help them forget." Ted admits that, actually, "He's only a Dick Medium." No one cares. Ted allows that Emmett is "by far, [Ted's] biggest attraction." Emmett allows, "I suppose I do owe my fame -- such as it is -- and my fortune -- such as it isn't -- to you." Ted offers Emmett 5% of the gross. Emmett clutches his iridescent blue dildo and replies that it's a generous offer, but it's not about the money. Ted knows. It's about the art. Ted grabs a bag from the table and hands Emmett a bottle of "the finest lubricant. Water soluble. Heated to ninety-eight point six degrees." Emmett's touched. Ted walks over to a curtain separating the bed from the rest of the Dungeon. He pulls a rope and the curtain comes down, revealing the round bed he stole from Mona on The Chris Isaak Show. Immediately following this week's episode of Queer as Folk. Am I the only one who watches that from time to time? Yeah. I thought so. Anyway. Round red velvet-covered bed. Red velvet covering the wall. The height of porn-star style. Ted claps his hands and a red neon sign reading "Fetch" clicks on over the bed. Okay. That was funny. Emmett is overwhelmed. Ted apologizes for underestimating his better half: "You're more than just an enormous dick. You're my friend." Heh. Emmett exclaims, "And you're mine!" T&E hug, and stop wasting my time. All is right with the world. Emmett leaps onto the bed with joy. And then, oddly, there's a shot of Emmett lying naked on a red velvet sheet, imitating Marilyn Monroe's famous picture.
Ben's. Gilligan and the Professor are making out on the couch. Ben, thankfully, has his shirt off. So does Mike, but who cares? They pull apart, gasping, and Mike asks where the condoms are. Ben's both surprised and delighted by the question, and points Mike toward the bathroom. Mike opens the medicine cabinet and stops short. Cut to the inside of the cabinet, filled with row upon rows of drug bottles. Many, many bottles. Yup. Reality bites. Mike finally spots the condom box stuck between two bottles. And stares at all the bottles again. So many drugs Ben has to take so he won't get sick like Mike's uncle. Wow. That's really a lot of bottles. Ben walks in, wondering what's taking Mike so long. And he's naked. And I gotta tell you, evilness aside, Mike always gets the guys with the best behinds. Ben asks Mike if he found the condoms. Mike nods yes. Ben starts to get all snuggly in front of the sink. Mike finally shakes his head and says that he can't do it. Ben thinks Mike means the condom wrapper. Mike means Ben. Mike and Ben's faces are right to each other, as Mike explains that he just can't handle it and apologizes. Ben pulls back a little, and his eyes go wide with hurt. Owie, oww, oww. On so many different levels. Ben nods bravely, "Don't apologize. It's, uh, better to find out now. Before someone gets hurt." Looks like it's too late for that. As Mike's little conflicted face stares back at us from the CabinetCam, Ben's figure recedes in the background. Cut to the credits over the sound of the condom box being put back in the cabinet.
time: Emmett's got a secret admirer. A rich secret admirer. Jennifer's back, and advises Justin to go out and make friends his own age. So, Justin meets someone his own age. And makes his transformation into Brian complete. Emmett's Sugar Daddy is really old, thinks Emmett is really "talented," and wants to discuss his "fee." That sounds scary. At the gym, Ted gives Brian shit about dating someone "many, many years your junior. I guess there's always the fear that he's going to dump you for someone younger." Speaking of which, Justin's own private Justin starts stalking him. See you in two weeks, everybody.