Episode Report Card Camper: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Where's the Love?
By Camper | Season 2 | Episode 7 | Aired on 02.16.2002
Some bakery. A large anvil...I'm sorry, "wedding cake" sits on top of the counter. Melanie brings a plate of pastries over to Lindsay, who mopes pathetically at their table. Mel got her a croissant. Lindsay doesn't want a croissant. But Lindsay loves croissants! Lindsay said she doesn't want one! Okay? So just drop it! So, Melanie picks the croissant up and drops it on the floor. Hee! Lindsay cracks a smile, then groans that she should never asked her parents for help. Yeah. Duh. Melanie tries to be practical: Lindsay asked them, they said no, so why don't they just go ahead and look at wedding cakes? Lindsay pouts that they can't afford one, but she's not upset about the money. Melanie understands that it's about the love: "You want them to show you the same amount of attention that they show Lynette." Mel shrugs that maybe she and St. L. should put out more of an effort themselves: "We've never really asked them over to see how we live. Meet our friends." Melanie suggests that they invite Ron and Nancy over for brunch with the gang. This has tsunami written all over it. Lindsay laughs that Melanie can't be serious. Oh, but she is, "If they could see that we're a real family, with a real life, just like your sister, then they might feel differently." Looks like another contrived plotline is about to rear its ugly head. Strap in.
Liberty Diner. Emmett, Brian, Mike and Ted share a booth. Mike assures them that "I'm positive" was the first thing out of Ben's mouth. Brian smirks, "After your dick." Shut UP, Brian. Ted finds it commendable that Ben told him, "but it still doesn't change the fact that [Mike's] playing with fire!" What if the condom breaks? Ted asks. What if Ben flosses his teeth and his gums bleed? And, what, afterwards Mike uses the same piece of floss? Because that would be gross. I know, I know, Ted's talking about oral infection. Lighten up, wouldja? Brian snarks, "What if [Ben] shoots his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe, and it accidentally flies up your ass." Mike laughs. Ted frowns, "Christ, Brian, do you have to make a joke out of everything? Especially your best friend's safety!" Mike snaps that he knows how to be safe. Ted replies that Mike thinks he does, but "it's not just being careful, it's living with death. Knowing that Ben has something inside of him that could kill him. And if you have just one little fuck-up, one moment of forgetfulness, one little mistake, it could kill you, too." The Boys are quiet in the face of the potential tragedy. Emmett thinks that Ted might be a tad melodramatic, though. They know plenty of people whose boyfriends are positive. Ted's like, whatever: "These people aren't Michael." Aww, Ted still cares! Ted reminds Emmett that he wasn't so easygoing when he thought he was positive. Ya had to remind me, right? Mike says that he appreciates the concern: "But you're talking about Ben like he's the disease and not a person. And if you were seeing someone that you cared about, I think you would feel differently." Ted can't see it: "I'm sorry, I know it's not politically correct, but I wouldn't do it, no matter how much I liked the guy." Debbie walks up with a fresh pot of coffee and asks what it is Ted wouldn't do, again? Oh, this should be interesting. Emmett explains that they were talking about dating someone who's positive. Ted looks apprehensive, not quite sure where this is going to go. Debbie -- wearing a t-shirt that proclaims, "Some people are just too white" -- sticks a hand on her hip and replies, "That's a hell of an attitude. And I've got to say that I'm surprised to hear that from one of you, considering all the guys you fuck." Ted glares at Brian and mutters, "Numbers may vary from person to person." Brian sticks his tongue out at him. Debbie continues that one of them could be HIV-positive, "and the reason you're not isn't because you're always careful. I know goddamn well that isn't true." Emmett gazes at Ted, waiting for the punchline. Debbie adds that they're lucky: "So don't tell me you couldn't love somebody just because they're not as fortunate as you are. More reason to, if you ask me!" Tell her, tell her! I wanna see the look on her face! Mike finally sighs that Ben's positive. YES! Debbie's holding on to the smile, holding on to it, whoops, there it goes!
The Dungeon. Ted preps the bed for Emmett's arrival. Emmett strolls in wearing a long brown leather trench coat, a fugly patchwork scarf, and brown aviator glasses. Ted asks where he's been. Emmett replies that he was preparing a list. Ted, who apparently never learned his lesson from Robbie, snaps that Emmett can "do [his] grocery shopping list later, okay?" Em holds the piece of paper out. Ted rolls his eyes, grabs it, and reads, "Private dressing room with toilet. Round spinning bed. Ten percent of gross profits. What the fuck is this?" Emmett says they're called "artist's demands." Ted reads on and sees that Emmett also wants a certain kind of lube. What's wrong with the lube? Emmett snorts, "That grease is so cheap, you could fry chicken in it." Ted thinks this is a joke. Ted's wrong. Emmett tells him to look at the last thing on the list, because it's his favorite. Emmett wants his name over the bed. See? Always going too far. He then goes on to wonder if it should just be his first name, like Cher, done up in lights, so that his "fans can see when you pull back for a long shot." Ted walks back to the computer and snorts, "Well, excuse me, Cher, but there's only one long shot your fans are interested in, so come on. Less yak and more jack." Emmett's serious about the list, however. Ted's pretty sure he's not: "If it weren't for me, you'd still be moonlighting as a naked maid, buffing in the buff, trying to pick up a few extra bucks!" Did Emmett ever get that butt lift? Surely he's made enough money for it by now. Emmett gives as good as he gets: "And if it weren't for me, you'd still be a pencil pusher, pulling your pud!" Ted is furious that Emmett thinks Ted owes his success to Emmett. Which he does, of course. Hello? Ted snarls that he can replace Emmett at any time! Nasty! Emmett doubts that. Ted rips up the list in his best friend's face and adds, "Dime a dozen." Flouncing out the door, Emmett tosses Ted the jizzball and adds, "And when you do? Give him this. He's going to need it!" O! Is this the end of our beloved T-Emmett? Yawn.