Previously: we learned that dreams are good. Lindsay and Melanie are getting married. Mike quit the Big Q. Justin quit art school. Mike sold his prized comic book to use the proceeds to buy a comic-book store. Ted decided to run a porn website. Brian bought Justin a fancy new drawing computer. Justin had a temper tantrum because he's never! Drawing! Again!
In a very odd dungeon-like room, the boys watch on a monitor as some scruffy cutie jerks off in separate area of the very odd dungeon-like room. Counting off, Ted says, "Internet Access, $38.00. Adult porn site membership, $29.95." Mike grins, "Watching men jerk off in the comfort of your own home? Priceless." Brian snorts, "Masturbate the possibilities." Yawn. MasterCard jokes are so last century. Mike asks what makes Ted's porn site any different from all the other ones out there. Ted gives an example from his own life experience, like say, oh, if you're surfing porn and your boss drops by, what do you do? Ted pushes a button and the screen switches to a fake spreadsheet. Okay. This is his hook? Couldn't they just alt+tab over to an existing document on their computer? He's betting his new enterprise on a bunch of people who aren't familiar with Microsoft Office? Are you kidding me? ["Lame." -- Wing Chun] Ad executive and non-cubicle dweller Brian thinks it's pretty slick. Comic-book-store owner and non-cubicle dweller Mike calls it the "ultimate in safe sex." Ted proclaims, "JerkAtWork.net! For guys who don't only work...at work." Brian could probably help you with that tagline, too. And if not, then Melanie could certainly file Ted's bankruptcy papers for him. It's good to have friends. Emmett shrugs that maybe Ted needs something "bigger," though, by which I believe he means a bigger draw, but the ambiguity sets Brian up to nod at the scruffy cutie waxing the wood: "It looks like he's doing all right to me." Ted tells "Robbie" that it's time for his ten-minute break. Robbie huffs. Robbie puffs. And Robbie blows his wad all over himself. The Boys are impressed. Brian wonders if Robbie will be able to do it again in ten minutes, though. Ted pulls out a turkey baster and squeezes fake cum into the air. It's called a jizzball, and Ted laughs, "Proving that the handjob is quicker than the eye." So, was Robbie just using it, or is he going to be using it, or what? Hmm. This scene doesn't bode at all well for the rest of the episode. Brian grabs the jizzball, sniffs it, squeezes it a couple of times, and drawls, "Leave it to you to figure out how to fake an orgasm."
Emmett, Vic, and Mike keep The Babe in their sights as he walks over to Debbie and asks where Wonder Woman is. Debbie raises her arms and cackles, "You found her!" Yeah, yeah. Debbie proudly tells The Babe that her son owns the store, which is Mike's cue to trot on over. The Babe says he's looking for some comic books. Mike nods, "Good thing you didn't go door, or you would have gotten Lebanese takeout." Debbie laughs a little harder than necessary. The Babe's game, though, and continues, "I'm looking for works based on their narrative, their graphics, cultural references, subtextual points of view, that one might regard as --" The camera slides over to a tight shot of Mike's face while The Babe is talking, and wow, Hal Sparks needs to get his pores cleaned. Mike finishes, "Gay?" Behind them, Emmett "accidentally" rings the counter bell. Mike continues that The Babe has already picked up some good choices, but he also suggests Alpha Flight No. 106, in which Northstar takes in a boy with AIDS. He also comes out to the rest of the team in that issue, but Mike doesn't mention that, for some reason. Northstar was one of the first openly gay superheroes, I believe. That was right about the time I got a life, so I'm not quite sure. Mike also recommends X-Force No. 56, "where Rictor and Shadowstar are described as being 'more than friends.'" Rictor and Shadowstar are gay?! Why doesn't anyone ever tell me these things? Mike offers to show The Babe around. The Babe follows eagerly. Vic shakes his head that it's "amazing how much Michael knows." Debbie chortles that Mike's a genius! Genius, idiot savant, same difference.
PIFA. Dean Ryerson looks at some examples of Justin's latest works. Posters of exploding heads, exploding cars, dismembered stuff, in harsh black, white, and red. No reason for alarm. Or to call Justin's psychiatrist or anything. Ryerson mutters, "These drawings are, uh, very disturbing." Justin snaps that they're supposed to be. Ryerson says that they're nothing like what Justin submitted when he applied. The camera pulls in real close so we can see the results of Randy's recent facial as he shakes his head and replies, "Well, I don't see things the same way." Ryerson's got another complaint: Justin's been using a computer to do his projects. Justin explains that it's the only way he can work right now. Ryerson says that every student has to learn the "traditional disciplines." Because it's Art School. Justin replies, "Sometimes the traditional disciplines can be a handicap, too." Oh, okay. Let's throw away a billion years of traditional training, then. Of course Justin has to learn all the traditional methods. It doesn't have to be one or the other. His hand is supposed to get better, isn't it? He can't just defer a semester/quarter/whatever until it does? Justin continues, as the Violins of Angst and Cultural misunderstanding play on, "I thought that I could never be an artist again. But instead, this has taught me new ways to be an artist -- ways that I never would have thought of, otherwise." Ryerson nods thoughtfully. These tight shots are making me claustrophobic. You can't even see Justin's mouth moving, and there's really nothing in Randy Harrison's eyes that's adding to this scene, I'm sorry to say. The monotone delivery isn't helping, either. He couldn't have been directed to show a little more passion? A little more urgency? Guess not.
Debbie's. The Usual Suspects sit around the kitchen table as Debbie asks about Justin's meeting with the Dean of Doom. Justin replies that he's allowed to stay in school. Everyone claps, cheers, and/or gets in line to hug/kiss the child. Brian smirks, "What's with all the kissing? Are you trying to turn him straight?" Brian shows them how it's done, and Debbie rolls her eyes, grousing, "Oh, shit, they're going to do it right here." Vic nods, "I'll get my camera." Hee! Mike snerks that "maybe they should save it for Ted's website." Ted's game. Brian tells Mike not to "put any ideas in [Ted's] head." Vic snorts, "Or mine." Love. Me. Some. Vic. He's totally forgiven for the "covers" remark earlier. Melanie gasps, turning to Lindsay, "Maybe we could do it. Help pay for the wedding. Whaddaya think, Teddy?" Ted's all, yeah. Grow a dick first. Uh, Ted? She already has one bigger than yours. Lindsay's getting uncomfortable; she snaps at this group of people that she's known an average of ten years -- at Brian, for the love of God -- can they can talk about something other than sex? They all look at her, thinking, "Have we met?" And then no one has anything else to talk about. What are they going to talk about? They look at each other. Anyone? No? Emmett's all, forget it: "If the twink jerks off for more than eight hours, does he get overtime?" I thought a twink was a cute boy, and Robbie's...well, scruffy. Is any gay guy under thirty considered a twink? Anyway. I guess they would know. I'm still kind of new here, myself.
Justin gets up to clear the dishes, and nods at Brian to grab some, too. Brian grins, picks up the plates, and squeaks, "Yes, dear." The table looks at them in awe. Debbie snorts, "Holy crap, they're like fucking newlyweds!" Melanie never thought she'd live to see the day. St. L. thinks it's wonderful. Ted sighs, yeah, "Ten bucks says they don't last a month." Ha! He is a romantic. Vic gives it three weeks. Mike's like, no, he's the romantic, and gives them five weeks. Ted starts writing down the bets. Emmett shrugs and says to put him in for two weeks. Melanie throws some cash in and laughs, "God, you're all pussies! Seventy-two hours!" Ted asks Debbie if she's in. Debbie sniffs that she's not going to "put a price on people's happiness," adding, "Considering all they've been through, I'd think that their friends would vote for the house, instead of against it." Oh, wah. Spoilsport. Ted says that's a good point, but asks Lindsay if she's in, anyway. Lindsay frowns that she and Mel have to go. Right now. Mel's like, hey, what about dessert? Lindsay gets all WASPy on her about Gus's babysitter. Mel shrugs in apology at everyone, and follows her fiancée out the door.
As they walk to the car, Melanie asks what's up. Lindsay grits that she's fine. With a barely straight face, Melanie clears her throat and asks, "Cramps?" Is it wrong that I wondered that, too? Lindsay snaps some more, and Melanie snorts, "You're crankier than Gus when he needs a nap." Lindsay explains she just needed to get out of Debbie's. Melanie's all, is it the tchotchkes? Because they drive Melanie crazy, too. Wow. Melanie must really like sleeping on the couch. Lindsay gripes that it's "the constant stream of sexual innuendo" that's driving her crazy. Now it's driving her crazy? For one thing, she knew Brian wa-ay before the Alleged Firing of The Intern. The man can't get through a scene without throwing off five bad puns and a sexual reference. And God help us all if he's drunk. Lindsay further gripes that she didn't think Melanie's joke about getting married on Ted's website was funny. At all! Melanie doesn't even pretend to take that seriously, and asks, "When did you become such a prude?" Lindsay says that she's not a prude! Okay, maybe she is. A little. Mel's all, um, yeah. Lindsay continues, "I don't understand people spreading their legs for the whole world to see! The idea of anyone I know being a part of it really bothers me." Shyeah. Try recapping it. Melanie seems somewhat disturbed by Lindsay's statement, and rubs her hand thoughtfully over her chin.
The Comic Book Store that Dreams Bought. The Babe's back. Mike laughs that he couldn't have possibly gone through all those comics Mike gave him already. Babe grins, "Yeah, well, I'm pretty fast. I mean, I read quickly." Welcome to QAF. Soon you'll be tossing off remarks like that without a care in the world. Babe adds, "Life's too short. Who knows what might happen tomorrow -- or even five minutes from now?" Foreshadowing shows up and rummages through my kitchen for a bottle opener. Mike's like, yeah, uh huh, do you need anything else? He's a bit flippant for someone in the presence of such Babeliness. Perhaps Mike has grown to mistrust physical beauty because of the Demon. I know I have. The Babe finally introduces himself as Ben Bruckner. He teaches Gay Studies at Carnegie Mellon. Mike exclaims that he knew it: "With all that talk about cultural references, I knew you had to be...uh, a professor." Nice save. Ben eventually gets to his point; his class looks at gay cultural references through the ages, including modern comics, so he came to the store to do some research. Mike looks disappointed that that's all Ben's there for, but says he'd be happy to help. Ben says he's already found what he wants. Mike waits hopefully. Ben says he'd like Mike to give a lecture to his class. Mike laughs. I'm laughing right now. Ben continues that Mike is obviously a comics expert, which Mike shrugs off. Ben grins, "When you talk about them, you have a passion. So, whaddaya say? Will you come?" All of a sudden, Mike's face fades into a comic book panel, and a little balloon pops up over his head, which says, "Oh, Ben, take me away with you!" Huh? Where did that come from? Ohhkay. Mike bounces back to reality, and says that he'd love to!
Grocery store. Brian stands at the opposite end of a vegetable display from another guy. Brian picks up a zucchini. The other guy picks up a larger one. Brian's like, okay, and picks up an even larger zucchini. The other guy picks one up that's even larger than that. Brian picks up the biggest one of all. The other guy nods grudgingly, because he knows a top when he sees one. Justin ambles up with a box of penne for which he even has a coupon. Brian's all, you clip coupons?! Justin notices Zucchini Man, and replies that he likes to save money. Brian sighs, "I didn't know you were so tight." Justin's eyes snap over to Zucchini Man as he replies, "Sure you did." Brian tells him to take the penne back and get rigatoni instead: "Fuck the fifty cents. And buy some Crisco, even if it's not on sale!" I just learned the other day that Crisco's not such a great lubricant. Knowledge is not always a happy thing. Zucchini Man snarks to some Leather Bear at another vegetable stand, "See that guy? That's Brian Kinney. He used to be the hottest stud on Liberty Avenue. Now? He's in a relationship." Brian frowns.
JerkAtWork.net. Ted's going over the books while Robbie looks over his shoulder. Robbie asks about his expenses. Ted asks for receipts. From his pants pocket, Robbie pulls out a slimy receipt for Keri lotion. Ted says he'll take his word for it. He totals up the percentage of subscribers, and the time online added to Robbie's base pay, and comes up with the grand total of...$18.72. Robbie is not thrilled, "You're telling me I spent eight hours whacking off for eighteen dollars?!" Ted tells him that most people do it for free. Robbie's all, hello, where's my promised $500 a day? Ted mutters that the amount was based on third-quarter projected earnings. Welcome to the wonderful world of dot-coms. But I'm not bitter. I'm unemployed, but not bitter. Robbie tries to look at this quarter's numbers, but Ted takes the ledger out of his hands and cautions, "When you commit to a fledgling enterprise, it's not about the money; it's about investing in the future and nurturing growth." No, it's really about the money. Robbie snaps that Ted needs to tell that to Robbie's dick: "It's worn to a nub!" Ted's really not taking this as seriously as he should, and mutters that he knows a good physical therapist. Robbie asks whether that's covered by the company health plan. Ted's all, what company health plan? He got an MBA from where? Better be careful; Robbie might just start a union. Robbie asks about the 401k he was offered, too. Ted stammers that they have to discuss that. Robbie's had enough of this shit, and bails. Ted tries to stop him, but Robbie is out of there. Forever. Didn't even wait for his $18.72 check, either.
Justin and Daphne walk back to the loft, sharing a joint. In public. In the middle of the sidewalk. Um? Duh Alert in Aisle Nine. Daphne complains that her roommates never clean up. Justin says that "we" have a cleaning lady that comes by twice a week. Daphne complains that there's never any hot water when it's her turn to use the shower. Justin and Brian shower together. Daphne giggles, and it's just like old times. We even both have the afro puff thing going on. Seriously, that and this Queens College sweatshirt I'm wearing are the only way to get through these recaps comfortably. Daphne says that her roommates play their music so loud, she can't even hear herself think. Justin says it sounds terrible. Daphne giggles that it's great, actually. Ah, the fresh breeze of independence! Justin says he's glad he's living with Brian, anyway. Daphne reminds him to not get too comfortable. Justin shrugs that Brian's changed, and tells her about Zucchini Man. He says that usually Brian would have left Justin "in the checkout line" for some illicit nookie, but not this time. Oh, yeah. What a guy. Daphne points out that it's obvious that Justin was checking Zucchini Man out, too, though. Justin laughs that he's at his sexual peak, after all. And Justin's so high, he almost passes the building. Daphne and Justin giggle all the way up to the loft and through the door, and Justin picks up a green apple off the floor. They're still giggling when they find Brian having sex with Zucchini Man on the sofa. Then the giggling stops. Justin tries to plaster an accepting smile on his face, but his eyes aren't having it.
Liberty Diner. At the counter, Ted's working on his books, Mike's working on his lecture, and Emmett's saying that he told Ted so: "I told you that you needed something bigger -- didn't I tell him? -- but you wouldn't listen." Neither Mike nor Ted is listening now, either. Ted finally mutters that if he doesn't come up with something, he's going to lose everything. Emmett scoffs, "I might as well be an invisible man. Or worse, a mime." He starts pretending to be a mime, but it looks more like he's voguing. Oh, great. Now that song's stuck in my head. Mike asks Ted whether he should start his lecture with a joke. The joke? "How can you tell if a superhero is gay? His boots match his purse." Gawd. Emmett laughs. Ted says it's not funny. Mike agrees that it stinks. Now Emmett's pissed: "Is no one going to acknowledge my presence?" Ted asks him to pass the jam. Mike asks him to pass the cream. Emmett deliberately passes the cream to Ted and the jam to Mike. Mike and Ted look up and snort. Ted shakes his head, "He never listens." Emmett eats his bacon in frustration. Debbie walks up with the coffee pot, penis fixation at the ready,and crows, "Okay, get 'em up, boys! The coffee cups, that is."
Brian shows up, kisses Mike on the cheek, grabs Emmett firmly by the shoulders, wishes Debbie a good morning, and steals Ted's cup of coffee out of his hands. Bwa! I don't care if he did undergo a makeover more drastic than Greta Van Susteren's. I love Brian this season. Brian asks for a "flop, two, sinkers, and some suds." Damn, and I left my diner shorthand manual back in eighth grade. Eeyore grouses that Brian's breakfast sounds like his life. Debbie rolls her eyes and orders two eggs, a donut, and coffee for "Mr. Wonderful." And then she notes that "someone got lucky last night." Where's the usual comment about said lucky person's genitalia? You're sweet, Deb, but get a life, already. By the way, today's t-shirt reads, "If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my fingers." Yeah. Ewww. Mike starts to read his speech from a set of blue index cards, which he holds up really close to his face. Brian asks what's going on. Debbie proudly explains that Mike's giving a lecture at Carnegie Mellon. Brian's taken aback, but impressed: "you'll be receiving your honorary doctorate." Mike snorts, "Especially when the closest I've come to higher education is when I fucked that textbook salesman from Cleveland." Mike makes a little gesture with his pinkie, just in case Brian can't recall who he's talking about. Like there's such a long list. Ted groans that he has just about enough money left over from his online venture for his own funeral. Emmett sniffs on his way from the counter, "Don't ask me to deliver the eulogy. No one would listen." Ted takes half a beat to notice that Emmett's not there anymore. Brian yells at Debbie to give him his breakfast, even though he's been there all of thirty seconds. Justin pouts on over with Brian's donut. Brian grins, "Good morning, Sunshine." His cuckolded wife grumbles, "Can I get you something else?" Brian tries to inhale Justin's face. Justin pulls away and mutters that he's going to be late for class. Mike senses that something's up. Ya think?
Mike catches up with Justin outside, and asks what Brian did. Justin denies that Brian did anything. Mike snorts, "I know that face. That's the 'Brian Kinney just fucked me' face." But that would be the face Justin always wears, wouldn't it? Jealous, Mike? Justin, outraged, tells Mike about Zucchini Man. Mike chuckles, "Another hurricane off the coast of Florida, another earthquake in Peru -- so what else is new?" Justin thought that, since he and Brian were together and all, things would be different. Mike understands, but Justin needs to understand that Brian isn't going to change. Ever. EVER. Justin doesn't know why the hell he's even there, then. Michael opens his mouth real wide and shoves in, "Maybe because you got bashed in the head and he feels guilty?" Justin runs away, with Mike ineffectually calling after him that that's not exactly what he meant. Just stick a cork on your fork and be done with it, Novotny.
Zee Gym. Shots of men doing bicep curls on a bench, one after another. Finally it's Ted's turn as he mutters, "Eight thousand down the drain...nine thousand down the drain...." Emmett tells him to stop worrying, because he has a plan. Ted sighs, "At this point, I am so desperate that I actually stop what I'm doing, turn to you with a plaintive expression, and ask, 'You do?'" Emmett's like, of course I do: "After you lose everything you have in the world, you move in with Michael and me. We have an inflatable mattress and a spare key." Oh, my God, I will kill Ted myself before that happens. There's only so much misery a recapper can take. Ted continues with the curls, "Ten thousand down the drain...eleven thousand down the drain." Emmett sees Zack O'Tool across the room and gets another idea. Ted frowns, "Does it involve begging at an off-ramp or sleeping in a cardboard box?" Emmett points out the Manrammer and fake-whispers, "Remember how I told you that you needed something bigger? Maybe now you'll listen."
Emmett and Ted trot over to join the crowd of men surrounding the massive porn star. Emmett pushes his way through and tells Zack how nice it is to see him again. Ted doubts that Zack remembers him. Emmett knows how to trigger his memory, though: He opens up his mouth really wide. Zack frowns, like he can't place him exactly. Emmett opens his mouth even wider, and Zack nods, "Oh, yeah. You were the guy who was supposed to blow me." In his line of work, I guess you never forget a pair of tonsils. Ted reminds Zack that Ted's the one who paid Zack for that. Emmett asks why Zack's back in town. Zack says he's doing a new film with a football theme. It's called Backsides in Motion. Emmett laughs, "Well, I love anything with shoulder pads." Ted and Emmett chuckle, but Zack leaves without another word. Emmett looks around quickly and skips after him.
The Steam Room. Naked men wander around, dick shots abound, etc. Ted and Emmett peer around the corner to stare at O'Tool. Emmett whispers, "Didn't I tell you that he was even bigger in person? It's huge." Ted agrees that it's "gargantuan." Emmett crows that it's just what Ted's looking for. They sit down on either side of Zack. Zack asks what they want. Emmett tries to explain about Ted's site, but Zack isn't interested. Emmett tries to get Zack through his loyalty to his fans. Zack's still not interested. Ted, who can't stop staring at Zack's crotch, gives it a shot: "What better to plug your new picture?" Zack snorts, "Whacking off on the web is for amateurs, boys." Emmett announces that they'll give him a thousand bucks, and a limousine, champagne and, uh, his own personal fluffer. Ted stage-whispers to Emmett that this will cost a fortune. Emmett snaps, "Would you rather lose one?" Good point. Besides which, I think Emmett's willing to save you some money on the fluffer. Ted finishes, "So, Zack, how would you like to share your member with our members?"
Brian drives Mike to Carnegie Mellon in the most popular vehicle in West Hollywood. Mike mutters, "Sexy, perfect body, aloof, desirable, yet unattainable." Brian grins, "Okay, that's enough about me." Yawn. Mike gripes that he was talking about the Silver Surfer, anyway, and that his speech sucks. Brian asks why he's giving it, then. Mike admits that the professor's hot. Brian's interest is piqued. Mike warns him to back off, because he saw The Babe first! Besides which, Mike reminds him, Brian's living with Justin. Brian snorts, "He's living with me." Mike shrugs, "Either way, you're all comfy and cozy. Except when you're fucking other guys." Brian snaps that who he fucks isn't any of Mike's business. Or Justin's, for that matter. When they pull up to the school, Mike panics, and tells Brian to forget about it and drive away. Brian reminds Mike that he's the one who made a commitment, so he's got to go through with it. O! The Irony. Whiny Pouty Boy whines and pouts that he's going to make a fool out of himself. Brian snarls, "Who gives a shit -- it's fucking college!" Yeah; if they're not sneering at you, they'll just be sneering at someone else. At least you'll get to look at Ben while they're doing it. Brian adds, "Now, go show the frat boys what real men are made of, and get me some phone numbers while you're at it." Mike rolls his eyes and gets out of the car.
On his way to class, Mike tries not to be intimidated by his surroundings. Following behind him are three students, one of whom is reading the title of Mike's lecture: "Homoeroticism [sic] Themes and Imagery as Depicted in the Graphic Novel." Her tall male companion drawls that she means "comic book." The girl -- also tall, but redheaded and messy -- snickers, "I can just picture the big essay question on the final: compare and contrast Michel Foucault with Batman and Robin!" They all laugh. One of the guys scoffs, "How can you compare homoerotic imagery in comic books with Gide and Genet?" The only Asian guy in Toronto adds, "Proust or Wilde?" Messy Amazon continues, "Baldwin or Williams?" Mike tries to be as inconspicuous as possible. Tall Guy asks who's giving the lecture. Asian Guy says it's a guy who runs a comic-book store. Messy Amazon sneers, "Well, he should be a real brain trust." Everyone laughs derisively as they walk in the door to the lecture hall. Mike's pretty much frozen at the entrance. Oh, please. They're what --eighteen, twenty, tops? Do they know anything about homoeroticism in popular literature? No. Who does? Mike does. Now go on in there and give your lousy lecture!
The Happy Fun House. Lindsay's on the couch, eating cookies and ripping pictures out of bridal magazines. Melanie comes home from work, and St. L. gives her a big hug and kiss. Melanie's not too keen on wearing wedding dresses at their wedding, actually. I'm not too keen about hearing about the wedding at all, but my suffering has been extensively chronicled. Lindsay asks what else they would wear? Melanie chuckles, "Well, we could always wear strap-ons, and get married on Ted's website." Lindsay doesn't think that's funny, and this is really lame, because she used to have a way better sense of humor. This is the woman who never fails to give Brian shit about his sex life? Lindsay uptights, "How could a nice, intelligent person do something like that?" Melanie looks thoughtful some more. Lindsay suggests that they look through more bridal mags. Melanie leaves the room for a second and returns with a big cardboard box. She explains that when she came out to her parents in college, her father cut her off and told her that he never wanted to see her again. Melanie still had to pay her bills. She shrugs, "But you know how Jewish parents are. 'Forever' turned out to be three weeks." But by then, Melanie had earned enough to pay for the rest of the year's tuition, by posing in Oui magazine. That's a magazine of female pornography, in case you gay guys didn't know. Lindsay takes the issue Mel offers her and thumbs through it cautiously. And there Melanie is, buck naked, tummy sucked in, back arched, and lips pursed, fingers intwined in a string of pearls. Lindsay's shocked, and not in a good way. Possibly. Melanie keeps quiet and tries not to giggle nervously, as Lindsay flips through the pictures.
The Dungeon. Ted already has 503 people signed up to watch Zack O'Tool. At $29.95 a pop, that ain't bad. Emmett says that he's proud of him: "You took your dream, grabbed it by the balls, shaved them, and made it come true." The phone rings, and Ted runs to answer it. On the other end, The Zack is only wearing football pads and his really long dick. The difference between this show and actual pornography is anyone's guess, most times. Zack explains that he's not going to show: "We're running a little behind...I'm about to do my big scene where I ream the team for fumbling their balls." Behind him, a group of men are bent over and ready. Ted says they can start later, if he likes, but Zack doesn't really care. Could he tell "Tad" that he can't make it? Thanks. Ted's in shock: "I've got 503 horny geeks waiting to see Zack O'Tool jacking the beanstalk, only he's not coming!" Or coming! Emmett says his offer of the inflatable bed and the spare key still stands. Ted looks over at Emmett for a sec and then growls at him to get on the bed. Emmett doesn't understand. Ted grabs him and throws him on the bed and shrieks, "The show must go on!" Emmett likes jacking off anyway, doesn't he? Emmett points out that he usually doesn't do it in front of such a large audience, and anyway, didn't these people sign up to see Zack O'Tool? Aren't they going to be disappointed with Just Emmett? Ted snaps, "At this point, a dick's a dick. And you're the only dick I've got!" Ted throws a bottle of lube at him. Emmett sighs, "I'm sorry Teddy, every friendship, even one as deep and as close as ours, has its limitations." And Emmett's reached them. Ted offers him the same deal Zack had. Emmett climbs right back onto the bed.
In Brian's loft, Justin is drawing on the computer. Brian comes up behind him and starts to nuzzle his neck. Justin asks Brian to stop, because he's trying to do his homework. Brian keeps kissing him, anyway. Justin pulls away. Brian scoffs that he's not still upset about Zucchini Man, is he? Justin snorts. Brian shrugs, "I don't even remember it or him. It was nothing." Then what's the point? Justin says that he knows it was just Brian being Brian: "I don't expect you to change, in fact, I don't even want you to." Brian's like, then what's the problem? The problem is that Justin doesn't know what he's doing there. Is it because Brian feels guilty about the bashing? Brian doesn't have a quick enough answer to that, and Justin picks up his stuff and stalks off.
That night, The Babe shows up just as Mike's closing the store. Ben says that Mike never showed up to the lecture. Okay. I know that character consistency is often a lot to ask for around here, but I find it hard to believe that eager-to-please puppy-boy Michael bailed just because he felt self-conscious. The Mike I know would definitely have gone. He might have made a complete ass out of himself, but he would have felt too guilt-ridden to not go. Plus, hello, did you notice that Ben is gorgeous? Mike apologizes, and lies that the store got too busy and he forgot to call. Ben asks if they can reschedule. Mike futzes that he really doesn't have the time. Ben nods, disappointed and a little upset: "It was an imposition in the first place." That finally triggers Mike's guilt, and he admits that he's no Brainiac. Ben knows that one. One of Superman's arch-villains, right? Mike rants, "Standing in front of a bunch of college students pretending that I know something is bullshit!" The Babe doesn't understand. Make The Babe understand, Michael. Michael explains, "Because the Justice League of America isn't exactly Proust or Foucault, or whoever the fuck they are." Ben replies that what Mike knows is just as valuable: "You have this incredible knowledge of gay semiotics that you don't even realize." Mike and I are like, gay what? Whatever it is, it sounds dirty. Ben laughs that it doesn't matter what it is, he has this...Mike interrupts, "Passion?" Ben grins that he radiates that passion, actually. Mike fumbles, "Well, that must be why...I'm a little hot." Ben smiles gently in the presence of such a lame pick-up line. He'll do well here.
The dungeon. Ted grouses that his viewers are bailing. Emmett's like, hello, they signed up for Zack, they get Emmett -- what did Ted think was going to happen? Ted growls at Emmett to do something, already! Emmett lamely waves at the camera. Ted orders him to take something off. Emmett gingerly unbuttons his shirt. Ted notes that the dropping-off rate is dropping off. He orders Emmett to take off his pants. Emmett turns his back to the camera, cautiously takes off his pants and strips down to his black bikini underwear. Ted tells him to take off the black bikini underwear, too. Emmett's all poopy, but does it. Ted says the numbers are holding at 180 users: "I think we've stopped the bleeding." Emmett asks what he should do now. Ted's like, "You grab your pud and you pull!" Emmett slowly turns around to face the camera. The number of users and Emmett "go up" at about the same time. I guess everyone's IM'ing their friends and spreading the word. Ted finally looks straight at Emmett and realizes, "You're bigger than O'Tool!" The number goes up to 220 users. Emmett gasps, "I always told you I was a grower, not a show-er." Emmett asks Ted when he wants Emmett to come. Ted waits until the number reaches 530, and tells Emmett to go for it. Emmett ejaculates all over himself, his hair, his chest, urggh. Ted brings over a towel so that Emmett can wipe himself off, and congratulates him on his performance, "No one's ever going to know that you used the jizzball." Emmett's like, what jizzball? And Ted was looking right at him, too. Did he see a jizzball? Gah!
Ben's classroom. Mike finally gets to give his lecture. He starts, "The male figure has been worshipped from Michelangelo's David all the way to Captain Astro." There's even a slide show behind him, showing various comic book heroes dressed like overdeveloped Russian figure skaters. Mike continues on about "strength" and "musculature," but falters. Could be due to the snickering students in the front. Ben nods at him reassuringly. Mike gives his head a shake and sighs, "I'm sorry, you know what? I haven't a clue what homoeroticism in literature means, I just know that The Flash looks good in tights." God rest his soul. Mike says that he started reading comics when he was a kid: "At first, it was fun. I liked the stories, and I liked the pictures. It was a great escape from all the shit -- uh, sorry, the stuff that was bugging me. And my mom didn't want me to read them." But once he realized he was gay, Mike says that he read them for a different reason: "Because, in ways that maybe were not intended, these superheroes were a lot like me. You know, at work they were meek and underappreciated. They were the guys that never get laid --" That gets a laugh. "-- And when they're around other people, they can't let anybody get too close for fear that their true identities would be discovered." But despite all the obstacles they face on a daily basis, the superheroes he read about still survived. Mike concludes, "I believe the same about us. That's what the comics have shown me -- that despite everything, we'll survive. And we'll win." Ben smiles proudly. Oh, please, please, please, don't make him like the Demon. I really want to like this guy.
It's raining in Pittsburgh, and Justin shows up on Debbie's doorstep, drenched to the bone. He asks Debbie if his old room is still available. Debbie says that it is.
Cut to Brian at Woody's, as Debbie tears him yet another asshole. Soon, all he's going to be is one big asshole. Whoops. Too late. Anyway. Blah, hasn't Justin been through enough already blada, Debbie cares about the boy, yawn. All Brian cares about is getting his dick yada yada-ed. Brian tells her to stay out of it. Like that's going to happen. Debbie says that all she wants is to...Brian interrupts, "Interfere?" Debbie reiterates that she doesn't want Justin hurt. Brian says that's life. Debbie shakes her head, saying that Brian thinks he has everyone fooled: "But not me, honey. I've known you too long. And regrettably, too well." Debbie knows that Brian cares as much about Justin as Justin cares about him, only Brian doesn't have the balls to say it. Brian suggests that maybe he could borrow Debbie's. Debbie chuckles, "Whatever it takes. To admit that you love him. And I know you do. Despite all your efforts to never let another heart touch yours. That little persistent kid has somehow gotten under the wire." Debbie asks again if Brian loves Justin. Brian sort of looks away and doesn't answer. Debbie nods that she thought so: "Then tell him. Tell him what you could never say to Michael." A little something in there for both the B/J and B/M shippers. On a second viewing, however, that speech seemed a little spiteful, like, "Don't fuck over this kid like you fucked over my son!" Right. Let's move on, shall we?
Babylon! Ted hands out flyers for the website to all the HDGBs, one of whom is checking Emmett out. Emmett's like, wait a minute, was that HDGB checking me out? Ted replies that the HDGB was indeed checking Emmett out. The HDGB ambles up and asks if Emmett was the guy on JerkAtWork.net. Ted pipes up that he sure was! Come back and visit! "Tad" is a tad bit oily this week, isn't he? The HDGB calls Emmett's performance "inspiring," and asks Emmett to sign the HDGB's dick. As Ted's jaw slackens in shock, Emmett writes, "To Christopher. Thanks for being such...a big fan..I hope I can live up to it. All my best...love and luck...Emmett. Honeycutt." Teddy, I think you've found your star, there. The HDGB thanks Emmett and lopes off. What, no exchange of phone numbers, saliva, anything? Sigh. Ted tells Emmett that he needs a porn name: "Porn lore has it that you're supposed to take the name of your childhood pet, and add the street that you grew up on." For Emmett, that would be "Fetch Dixon." Ted shrugs, "Fetch Dixon. A star is...porn."
The Happy Fun Bedroom. Lindsay flips through another bridal magazine. Bor-ing! She decides to check out that issue of Oui instead, and flips straight to Melanie's pictures. Melanie eventually catches Lindsay masturbating to them. Lindsay's embarrassed, because she doesn't like porn! Really! "And I like even less thinking about all those strange men, and even a few women, looking at you," she adds. Melanie says it was so long ago, though, and she didn't tell Lindsay because it wasn't really anything she was proud of. She'd practically forgotten about it, actually. Lindsay replies that she doesn't like having any secrets. There aren't more, are there? Mel shakes her head and pulls off her tank top. Melanie asks if Lindsay's got any skeletons in her own closet. Lindsay grins, "Well, there was that time I was a hooker in Alaska. But that was only a summer job." Let the Fun Lesbian Sex begin. Melanie says that she "used to have a pretty hot bod." Lindsay purrs that Melanie still does. Melanie gasps, "Why settle for a magazine when you can have the real thing?"
Babylon! In grainy black and white, no less. From the balcony, Brian watches Justin make out with an HDGB on the dance floor. Cut to a color shot, of...uh, Brian watching Justin make out with an HDGB on the dance floor. I'm sorry, but the direction is just a little too random for me. Brian walks up and tells the HDGB to fuck off. Justin's not sure what's going on. Brian proclaims, "You were right. The reason I took you in was that you took a bat to the head. But that's not the reason that I want you to stay." Brian says that Justin shouldn't get the idea that they're "some married couple." They're not. He adds, "We're not, like, fucking straight people." O! The meta-irony! Brian continues, "We're queers, and if we're together, it's because we want to be, not because there's matching locks on our doors." If Brian's out, then Justin needs to assume he's out having sex, "And when I come home, I'm also doing what I want to be doing. Coming home to you." Aw, how...romantic? Justin says he has some rules, though. Both of them can have sex with whomever they want, but not the same person twice. No exchange of names or numbers. And Brian always has to come home, no matter what. They settle on 3 AM as a curfew. Never let it be said that Justin's afraid to push his luck. Justin's last rule is that Brian doesn't kiss anyone else on the mouth but Justin. In response, Brian gives him a big old B/J heartstopper of a kiss. Wow. Only someone with that little life experience would ever think those rules would work. ["Or someone who'd seen the first third of Pretty Woman." -- Wing Chun] Justin's, like, totally fine with Brian sleeping around, right? As long as he has proof that it doesn't mean anything. PROOF, darn it! Because Brian doesn't kiss anyone else on the mouth! Oh, well. He'll learn.
The Babe's. Ben brings Mike a beer, and a book, entitled, "R-U-1-2?" Mike gets it. Ben wrote it. It's his first and last novel, which a reviewer called "a noble effort from a fresh new voice." Ben self-effacingly adds that it was on the remainder table soon afterward. Mike grins that he's never met anyone who wrote a book before. Ben tells him to open it. Inside he's inscribed, "To Michael. Beneath his mild-mannered appearance beats the heart of a superhero." Mike tears up a little. He gives Ben a hug. Aw, come on Mikey, you can do better than that! So, they start making out. Kissing. Unbuttoning each other's shirts. Pants. La, la, la. But Ben suddenly pulls away! Mike's confused. Ben takes a deep breath and says, "I just want you to know. I'm HIV-positive." Bum-bump-bah!
week. Melanie doesn't want Lindsay to ask her parents for money for the wedding, even if though they paid for all three of her sister's weddings. Melanie snorts, "You're a dyke. You're marrying a Jew. And you're a registered democrat. Need I say more?" The actual meeting goes about as well as you would expect. The Boys think Ben's hot until Ted tells them that he's HIV-positive. Mike says he knows how to be careful, but no one really believes him. And, oh, man, Debbie's upset about Ben. Vic's upset that Debbie's upset about Ben. Drama-rama! See you week.