Mixed Blessings

And speaking of dreams, check out the one that just walked in the door. Six foot something, blue button-down shirt, blue jeans, beaten brown leather jacket, glasses. Sandy hair, chin cleft. Huh. He strikes me as being somewhat Demon-esque, but I think it's just his build. I'm going to try not to let it squick me out. Emmett gets so distracted by The Babe that he runs into Michael's chair and stubs his toe. Mike's like, the hell's wrong with you? Emmett points out the hunk. Mike checks out the hunk. His eyes get all limpid, and you can almost see the twin hearts reflected in their brown glow. Emmett drawls that he just loves the bookish type. Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, they tend to get so caught up in the abstract that the real world holds little appeal for them. Which is a problem if you happen to live in the real world. Which is why I finally gave up on that type two years ago, in a train station in Philadelphia. I like men who pay attention. Ah, yes, melancholy memories. Just in time for Valentine's Day. Vic adds, "There's so much to learn between the covers." What the hell? Didn't Scott tell me that Gale's intern got fired? Vic asks whether they think The Babe's gay. Emmett says nay, because of the clothes. Mike's not so sure: "Superman, Batman, Sandman. If he picks up an X-Men comic, I say he's gay." I know some geek boys from my high school and college days who might have a little problem with that reasoning, but whatever. Vic decides to go with "comic sense over fashion sense."

Emmett, Vic, and Mike keep The Babe in their sights as he walks over to Debbie and asks where Wonder Woman is. Debbie raises her arms and cackles, "You found her!" Yeah, yeah. Debbie proudly tells The Babe that her son owns the store, which is Mike's cue to trot on over. The Babe says he's looking for some comic books. Mike nods, "Good thing you didn't go door, or you would have gotten Lebanese takeout." Debbie laughs a little harder than necessary. The Babe's game, though, and continues, "I'm looking for works based on their narrative, their graphics, cultural references, subtextual points of view, that one might regard as --" The camera slides over to a tight shot of Mike's face while The Babe is talking, and wow, Hal Sparks needs to get his pores cleaned. Mike finishes, "Gay?" Behind them, Emmett "accidentally" rings the counter bell. Mike continues that The Babe has already picked up some good choices, but he also suggests Alpha Flight No. 106, in which Northstar takes in a boy with AIDS. He also comes out to the rest of the team in that issue, but Mike doesn't mention that, for some reason. Northstar was one of the first openly gay superheroes, I believe. That was right about the time I got a life, so I'm not quite sure. Mike also recommends X-Force No. 56, "where Rictor and Shadowstar are described as being 'more than friends.'" Rictor and Shadowstar are gay?! Why doesn't anyone ever tell me these things? Mike offers to show The Babe around. The Babe follows eagerly. Vic shakes his head that it's "amazing how much Michael knows." Debbie chortles that Mike's a genius! Genius, idiot savant, same difference.

PIFA. Dean Ryerson looks at some examples of Justin's latest works. Posters of exploding heads, exploding cars, dismembered stuff, in harsh black, white, and red. No reason for alarm. Or to call Justin's psychiatrist or anything. Ryerson mutters, "These drawings are, uh, very disturbing." Justin snaps that they're supposed to be. Ryerson says that they're nothing like what Justin submitted when he applied. The camera pulls in real close so we can see the results of Randy's recent facial as he shakes his head and replies, "Well, I don't see things the same way." Ryerson's got another complaint: Justin's been using a computer to do his projects. Justin explains that it's the only way he can work right now. Ryerson says that every student has to learn the "traditional disciplines." Because it's Art School. Justin replies, "Sometimes the traditional disciplines can be a handicap, too." Oh, okay. Let's throw away a billion years of traditional training, then. Of course Justin has to learn all the traditional methods. It doesn't have to be one or the other. His hand is supposed to get better, isn't it? He can't just defer a semester/quarter/whatever until it does? Justin continues, as the Violins of Angst and Cultural misunderstanding play on, "I thought that I could never be an artist again. But instead, this has taught me new ways to be an artist -- ways that I never would have thought of, otherwise." Ryerson nods thoughtfully. These tight shots are making me claustrophobic. You can't even see Justin's mouth moving, and there's really nothing in Randy Harrison's eyes that's adding to this scene, I'm sorry to say. The monotone delivery isn't helping, either. He couldn't have been directed to show a little more passion? A little more urgency? Guess not.

Debbie's. The Usual Suspects sit around the kitchen table as Debbie asks about Justin's meeting with the Dean of Doom. Justin replies that he's allowed to stay in school. Everyone claps, cheers, and/or gets in line to hug/kiss the child. Brian smirks, "What's with all the kissing? Are you trying to turn him straight?" Brian shows them how it's done, and Debbie rolls her eyes, grousing, "Oh, shit, they're going to do it right here." Vic nods, "I'll get my camera." Hee! Mike snerks that "maybe they should save it for Ted's website." Ted's game. Brian tells Mike not to "put any ideas in [Ted's] head." Vic snorts, "Or mine." Love. Me. Some. Vic. He's totally forgiven for the "covers" remark earlier. Melanie gasps, turning to Lindsay, "Maybe we could do it. Help pay for the wedding. Whaddaya think, Teddy?" Ted's all, yeah. Grow a dick first. Uh, Ted? She already has one bigger than yours. Lindsay's getting uncomfortable; she snaps at this group of people that she's known an average of ten years -- at Brian, for the love of God -- can they can talk about something other than sex? They all look at her, thinking, "Have we met?" And then no one has anything else to talk about. What are they going to talk about? They look at each other. Anyone? No? Emmett's all, forget it: "If the twink jerks off for more than eight hours, does he get overtime?" I thought a twink was a cute boy, and Robbie's...well, scruffy. Is any gay guy under thirty considered a twink? Anyway. I guess they would know. I'm still kind of new here, myself.

Justin gets up to clear the dishes, and nods at Brian to grab some, too. Brian grins, picks up the plates, and squeaks, "Yes, dear." The table looks at them in awe. Debbie snorts, "Holy crap, they're like fucking newlyweds!" Melanie never thought she'd live to see the day. St. L. thinks it's wonderful. Ted sighs, yeah, "Ten bucks says they don't last a month." Ha! He is a romantic. Vic gives it three weeks. Mike's like, no, he's the romantic, and gives them five weeks. Ted starts writing down the bets. Emmett shrugs and says to put him in for two weeks. Melanie throws some cash in and laughs, "God, you're all pussies! Seventy-two hours!" Ted asks Debbie if she's in. Debbie sniffs that she's not going to "put a price on people's happiness," adding, "Considering all they've been through, I'd think that their friends would vote for the house, instead of against it." Oh, wah. Spoilsport. Ted says that's a good point, but asks Lindsay if she's in, anyway. Lindsay frowns that she and Mel have to go. Right now. Mel's like, hey, what about dessert? Lindsay gets all WASPy on her about Gus's babysitter. Mel shrugs in apology at everyone, and follows her fiance out the door.

As they walk to the car, Melanie asks what's up. Lindsay grits that she's fine. With a barely straight face, Melanie clears her throat and asks, "Cramps?" Is it wrong that I wondered that, too? Lindsay snaps some more, and Melanie snorts, "You're crankier than Gus when he needs a nap." Lindsay explains she just needed to get out of Debbie's. Melanie's all, is it the tchotchkes? Because they drive Melanie crazy, too. Wow. Melanie must really like sleeping on the couch. Lindsay gripes that it's "the constant stream of sexual innuendo" that's driving her crazy. Now it's driving her crazy? For one thing, she knew Brian wa-ay before the Alleged Firing of The Intern. The man can't get through a scene without throwing off five bad puns and a sexual reference. And God help us all if he's drunk. Lindsay further gripes that she didn't think Melanie's joke about getting married on Ted's website was funny. At all! Melanie doesn't even pretend to take that seriously, and asks, "When did you become such a prude?" Lindsay says that she's not a prude! Okay, maybe she is. A little. Mel's all, um, yeah. Lindsay continues, "I don't understand people spreading their legs for the whole world to see! The idea of anyone I know being a part of it really bothers me." Shyeah. Try recapping it. Melanie seems somewhat disturbed by Lindsay's statement, and rubs her hand thoughtfully over her chin.

The Comic Book Store that Dreams Bought. The Babe's back. Mike laughs that he couldn't have possibly gone through all those comics Mike gave him already. Babe grins, "Yeah, well, I'm pretty fast. I mean, I read quickly." Welcome to QAF. Soon you'll be tossing off remarks like that without a care in the world. Babe adds, "Life's too short. Who knows what might happen tomorrow -- or even five minutes from now?" Foreshadowing shows up and rummages through my kitchen for a bottle opener. Mike's like, yeah, uh huh, do you need anything else? He's a bit flippant for someone in the presence of such Babeliness. Perhaps Mike has grown to mistrust physical beauty because of the Demon. I know I have. The Babe finally introduces himself as Ben Bruckner. He teaches Gay Studies at Carnegie Mellon. Mike exclaims that he knew it: "With all that talk about cultural references, I knew you had to be...uh, a professor." Nice save. Ben eventually gets to his point; his class looks at gay cultural references through the ages, including modern comics, so he came to the store to do some research. Mike looks disappointed that that's all Ben's there for, but says he'd be happy to help. Ben says he's already found what he wants. Mike waits hopefully. Ben says he'd like Mike to give a lecture to his class. Mike laughs. I'm laughing right now. Ben continues that Mike is obviously a comics expert, which Mike shrugs off. Ben grins, "When you talk about them, you have a passion. So, whaddaya say? Will you come?" All of a sudden, Mike's face fades into a comic book panel, and a little balloon pops up over his head, which says, "Oh, Ben, take me away with you!" Huh? Where did that come from? Ohhkay. Mike bounces back to reality, and says that he'd love to!

Grocery store. Brian stands at the opposite end of a vegetable display from another guy. Brian picks up a zucchini. The other guy picks up a larger one. Brian's like, okay, and picks up an even larger zucchini. The other guy picks one up that's even larger than that. Brian picks up the biggest one of all. The other guy nods grudgingly, because he knows a top when he sees one. Justin ambles up with a box of penne for which he even has a coupon. Brian's all, you clip coupons?! Justin notices Zucchini Man, and replies that he likes to save money. Brian sighs, "I didn't know you were so tight." Justin's eyes snap over to Zucchini Man as he replies, "Sure you did." Brian tells him to take the penne back and get rigatoni instead: "Fuck the fifty cents. And buy some Crisco, even if it's not on sale!" I just learned the other day that Crisco's not such a great lubricant. Knowledge is not always a happy thing. Zucchini Man snarks to some Leather Bear at another vegetable stand, "See that guy? That's Brian Kinney. He used to be the hottest stud on Liberty Avenue. Now? He's in a relationship." Brian frowns.

JerkAtWork.net. Ted's going over the books while Robbie looks over his shoulder. Robbie asks about his expenses. Ted asks for receipts. From his pants pocket, Robbie pulls out a slimy receipt for Keri lotion. Ted says he'll take his word for it. He totals up the percentage of subscribers, and the time online added to Robbie's base pay, and comes up with the grand total of...$18.72. Robbie is not thrilled, "You're telling me I spent eight hours whacking off for eighteen dollars?!" Ted tells him that most people do it for free. Robbie's all, hello, where's my promised $500 a day? Ted mutters that the amount was based on third-quarter projected earnings. Welcome to the wonderful world of dot-coms. But I'm not bitter. I'm unemployed, but not bitter. Robbie tries to look at this quarter's numbers, but Ted takes the ledger out of his hands and cautions, "When you commit to a fledgling enterprise, it's not about the money; it's about investing in the future and nurturing growth." No, it's really about the money. Robbie snaps that Ted needs to tell that to Robbie's dick: "It's worn to a nub!" Ted's really not taking this as seriously as he should, and mutters that he knows a good physical therapist. Robbie asks whether that's covered by the company health plan. Ted's all, what company health plan? He got an MBA from where? Better be careful; Robbie might just start a union. Robbie asks about the 401k he was offered, too. Ted stammers that they have to discuss that. Robbie's had enough of this shit, and bails. Ted tries to stop him, but Robbie is out of there. Forever. Didn't even wait for his $18.72 check, either.

Justin and Daphne walk back to the loft, sharing a joint. In public. In the middle of the sidewalk. Um? Duh Alert in Aisle Nine. Daphne complains that her roommates never clean up. Justin says that "we" have a cleaning lady that comes by twice a week. Daphne complains that there's never any hot water when it's her turn to use the shower. Justin and Brian shower together. Daphne giggles, and it's just like old times. We even both have the afro puff thing going on. Seriously, that and this Queens College sweatshirt I'm wearing are the only way to get through these recaps comfortably. Daphne says that her roommates play their music so loud, she can't even hear herself think. Justin says it sounds terrible. Daphne giggles that it's great, actually. Ah, the fresh breeze of independence! Justin says he's glad he's living with Brian, anyway. Daphne reminds him to not get too comfortable. Justin shrugs that Brian's changed, and tells her about Zucchini Man. He says that usually Brian would have left Justin "in the checkout line" for some illicit nookie, but not this time. Oh, yeah. What a guy. Daphne points out that it's obvious that Justin was checking Zucchini Man out, too, though. Justin laughs that he's at his sexual peak, after all. And Justin's so high, he almost passes the building. Daphne and Justin giggle all the way up to the loft and through the door, and Justin picks up a green apple off the floor. They're still giggling when they find Brian having sex with Zucchini Man on the sofa. Then the giggling stops. Justin tries to plaster an accepting smile on his face, but his eyes aren't having it.

Liberty Diner. At the counter, Ted's working on his books, Mike's working on his lecture, and Emmett's saying that he told Ted so: "I told you that you needed something bigger -- didn't I tell him? -- but you wouldn't listen." Neither Mike nor Ted is listening now, either. Ted finally mutters that if he doesn't come up with something, he's going to lose everything. Emmett scoffs, "I might as well be an invisible man. Or worse, a mime." He starts pretending to be a mime, but it looks more like he's voguing. Oh, great. Now that song's stuck in my head. Mike asks Ted whether he should start his lecture with a joke. The joke? "How can you tell if a superhero is gay? His boots match his purse." Gawd. Emmett laughs. Ted says it's not funny. Mike agrees that it stinks. Now Emmett's pissed: "Is no one going to acknowledge my presence?" Ted asks him to pass the jam. Mike asks him to pass the cream. Emmett deliberately passes the cream to Ted and the jam to Mike. Mike and Ted look up and snort. Ted shakes his head, "He never listens." Emmett eats his bacon in frustration. Debbie walks up with the coffee pot, penis fixation at the ready,and crows, "Okay, get 'em up, boys! The coffee cups, that is."

Brian shows up, kisses Mike on the cheek, grabs Emmett firmly by the shoulders, wishes Debbie a good morning, and steals Ted's cup of coffee out of his hands. Bwa! I don't care if he did undergo a makeover more drastic than Greta Van Susteren's. I love Brian this season. Brian asks for a "flop, two, sinkers, and some suds." Damn, and I left my diner shorthand manual back in eighth grade. Eeyore grouses that Brian's breakfast sounds like his life. Debbie rolls her eyes and orders two eggs, a donut, and coffee for "Mr. Wonderful." And then she notes that "someone got lucky last night." Where's the usual comment about said lucky person's genitalia? You're sweet, Deb, but get a life, already. By the way, today's t-shirt reads, "If you think my attitude stinks, you should smell my fingers." Yeah. Ewww. Mike starts to read his speech from a set of blue index cards, which he holds up really close to his face. Brian asks what's going on. Debbie proudly explains that Mike's giving a lecture at Carnegie Mellon. Brian's taken aback, but impressed: "you'll be receiving your honorary doctorate." Mike snorts, "Especially when the closest I've come to higher education is when I fucked that textbook salesman from Cleveland." Mike makes a little gesture with his pinkie, just in case Brian can't recall who he's talking about. Like there's such a long list. Ted groans that he has just about enough money left over from his online venture for his own funeral. Emmett sniffs on his way from the counter, "Don't ask me to deliver the eulogy. No one would listen." Ted takes half a beat to notice that Emmett's not there anymore. Brian yells at Debbie to give him his breakfast, even though he's been there all of thirty seconds. Justin pouts on over with Brian's donut. Brian grins, "Good morning, Sunshine." His cuckolded wife grumbles, "Can I get you something else?" Brian tries to inhale Justin's face. Justin pulls away and mutters that he's going to be late for class. Mike senses that something's up. Ya think?

Mike catches up with Justin outside, and asks what Brian did. Justin denies that Brian did anything. Mike snorts, "I know that face. That's the 'Brian Kinney just fucked me' face." But that would be the face Justin always wears, wouldn't it? Jealous, Mike? Justin, outraged, tells Mike about Zucchini Man. Mike chuckles, "Another hurricane off the coast of Florida, another earthquake in Peru -- so what else is new?" Justin thought that, since he and Brian were together and all, things would be different. Mike understands, but Justin needs to understand that Brian isn't going to change. Ever. EVER. Justin doesn't know why the hell he's even there, then. Michael opens his mouth real wide and shoves in, "Maybe because you got bashed in the head and he feels guilty?" Justin runs away, with Mike ineffectually calling after him that that's not exactly what he meant. Just stick a cork on your fork and be done with it, Novotny.

Zee Gym. Shots of men doing bicep curls on a bench, one after another. Finally it's Ted's turn as he mutters, "Eight thousand down the drain...nine thousand down the drain...." Emmett tells him to stop worrying, because he has a plan. Ted sighs, "At this point, I am so desperate that I actually stop what I'm doing, turn to you with a plaintive expression, and ask, 'You do?'" Emmett's like, of course I do: "After you lose everything you have in the world, you move in with Michael and me. We have an inflatable mattress and a spare key." Oh, my God, I will kill Ted myself before that happens. There's only so much misery a recapper can take. Ted continues with the curls, "Ten thousand down the drain...eleven thousand down the drain." Emmett sees Zack O'Tool across the room and gets another idea. Ted frowns, "Does it involve begging at an off-ramp or sleeping in a cardboard box?" Emmett points out the Manrammer and fake-whispers, "Remember how I told you that you needed something bigger? Maybe now you'll listen."

Emmett and Ted trot over to join the crowd of men surrounding the massive porn star. Emmett pushes his way through and tells Zack how nice it is to see him again. Ted doubts that Zack remembers him. Emmett knows how to trigger his memory, though: He opens up his mouth really wide. Zack frowns, like he can't place him exactly. Emmett opens his mouth even wider, and Zack nods, "Oh, yeah. You were the guy who was supposed to blow me." In his line of work, I guess you never forget a pair of tonsils. Ted reminds Zack that Ted's the one who paid Zack for that. Emmett asks why Zack's back in town. Zack says he's doing a new film with a football theme. It's called Backsides in Motion. Emmett laughs, "Well, I love anything with shoulder pads." Ted and Emmett chuckle, but Zack leaves without another word. Emmett looks around quickly and skips after him.