Previously. Pride Weekend; Mike'd never been; Brian gave him shit about it, yada; Melanie's biker mama of an ex-girlfriend showed up; Lindsay was not thrilled; Ted waved a little tiny flag around like a doofus and managed to get pity-fucked, blah; Justin ran into Chris Hobbes; Michael dressed as a woman so he could march with his mom, proving...well, absolutely nothing, and then kissed Awful Andrew full on the lips.
Neon. HDGBs keep the beat and keep it strong.
Drag King night at Woody's. Three women dressed like Elvis croon his classic tune "Follow that Dream." "The King," get it? That's about as subtle as we'll get all evening. Wow, nice costume job. I totally thought they were gay men at first. The Usual Suspects share a table in the middle of the room. Mel and L. are wearing men's shirts and hats, and Melanie's in Lindsay's lap. Emmett's dancing right to the table, 'cause he's fabulous! Brian's downing shots, and sneers, "Since when did Woody's become a cunt-ry club?" Melanie snaps, "Since you're here?" Brian rolls his eyes, because that comeback sounded lame to him, too. Justin wants to get another round of drinks, but Brian reminds him that he starts art school in the morning. Brian smirks, "One minute he's in a coma, and the , he's going to college." Melanie winks, "You gotta follow that dream!" Emmett spies a dream he wouldn't mind following! So, how come when it's any other night at Woody's, you never see women, but the guys show up on Lesbian Night? And, okay, these singers suck. And they're making their point and shoving it down my throat, already, so, oh my God, end this scene so I don't have to keep rewinding and hearing them suck. Shut up, sucky Elvis impersonators! Lindsay smiles, "All my life, I've had one dream: to fall in love, get married, and have a baby." Mike says that two out of three isn't bad. Lindsay's all, actually, it's three out of three. Emmett, of course, shrieks with glee. Why did Mel and L. keep it to themselves this long? Brian, who's really drunk, raises his glass and toasts, "May you come to your senses before it's too late." He tries to clink glasses with Emmett, who frowns and pulls his glass back. Brian shrugs and downs his. Emmett thinks it's so exciting: "Everyone's dreams are coming true!" Emmett asks Mike what his dream is. Mike grumps, "My dream is to one day know what my dream is." Brian slurs, "Dreaming is for people who are asleep. I'd rather be awake. And fucking." I'd rather be asleep. And done with this recap.
Mike pulls out his cell phone so he can get Ted down to the bar. Brian sighs, "And I was having such a good time." Oh, and it shows. Melanie and Lindsay exposition, for those of you who are just joining us, that Teddy's been really depressed since he got fired from his job. Lindsay politely refers to it as "the incident." Brian snorts, "I wouldn't exactly call shooting a load off in front of my boss an 'incident.'" Humph. What would you call having sex with a subordinate employee in your office? A coffee break? Anyway, Ted's not picking up the phone. Emmett worries that Ted might do something drastic: "I mean, he could be lying in bed right now. Dead." Nah, he's too much of a masochist to kill himself. He'd rather live to suffer, and suffer to live.
Ted's. Emmett knocks on the door, but gets no answer. He lets himself in, and finds every available space of the condo filled -- and I mean filled -- with wadded-up tissues. Oh. Ick. I felt like putting on a pair of gloves just typing that. Emmett calls Ted's name, gets no response, and opens the bedroom door.
Big mistake. Ted's on the bed, watching a porno, jerking off, surrounded by more wadded-up tissues. ["Okay, I'm not a porn addict (seriously), but I have to ask -- if you were so far gone with regard to maintaining normal hygiene that there were wadded-up tissues all over the place, outside any garbage receptacle, then wouldn't you maybe just...dispense with tissues entirely? Actually, never mind. If the answer is yes, I don't want to know about it." -- Wing Chun] Emmett's all, what the hell are you doing? Ted gasps and covers up. What does it look like he's doing? Emmett sniffs that it smells like a bathhouse in there. How long has it been since Ted left his house? Ted sighs that he hasn't left in four days. Wow. And to think I tell you guys on the message boards to get outside every once in a while. ["Pfft. Rookie." -- Wing Chun] Ted explains that he's in the middle of a marathon. Emmett picks up a video box and drawls, "Just like AMC: 'American Masturbation Classics.'" Emmett thinks that Ted has a problem. Ted snorts that he sure does: "Usually, Ricky Rod's hairless chew-hole drives me crazy, but for some reason, it's lost its magic." Hmm. "Ricky Rod's Hairless Chew-Hole" would be a great name for a chain of restaurants. "Opening soon in West Hollywood, Castro Street, and Liberty Avenue!" Emmett says that, eventually, Ted's got to pull himself out of this depression. Ted's like, what does it look like I'm trying to do? He adds, "Now, if you really want to help, grab a nipple and squeeze." Wuh? Ted and Emmett, do...I mean...having --why would they do -- NOOOOOO! As I search desperately for something to scrub that image clean from my seizing brain (yes! Leftover vodka in the freezer!), Emmett thankfully declares that he is not "a human tit clamp." Ted, eyes wide and glassy, call Emmett's attention to the screen. Emmett admits that the guy in the porno is hot. Intrigued, he sits down on the side of the bed. Ted pokes him with a bottle of lotion. Emmett almost takes it without thinking, and then jumps away. Hee! Emmett protests, "You are not sucking me into your black hole of depravity!" Emmett orders Ted to get up. Ted nods that Emmett's right: "I've been in this bed long enough."
Ted slowly gets out of bed, being careful with his sore nether regions. He limps to the living room and muses, "Let's see who's on DemonDick.com, shall we?" That's not what Emmett meant. Ted ignores him and dazes over to his laptop computer, surrounded by more wadded-up tissues and empty take-out food containers. Emmett gives it another try: he knows that getting fired sucks: "It's a tremendous blow." Ted's head swivels around at the word "blow." Emmett says there's a wonderful world waiting right outside the window. Ted snarls, "Let me tell you something about that fabulous world out there. You either jerk off or you get jerked off." Sounds like a win-win to me.
Brian's. Brian's in bed, getting a blowjob from some guy. The guy looks up. Hey, it's Justin. Sorry, I didn't recognize his butt. Brian rolls over to reciprocate, but Justin pushes him away. Brian's like, "Since when do you turn down getting your dick sucked?" That's not rejection, Brian -- it's shock. But Justin says he wants to "save [his] energy for his art." Brian can give him a blowjob tomorrow. Brian says he might not be in the mood tomorrow. Justin's like, uh, yeah. I'll take my chances. I don't know, Justin. Christmas only comes once a year. Brian goes to the bathroom, and Justin tries to work on a drawing in his sketchpad. His right hand starts shaking uncontrollably. Justin pulls it back and stretches it out, making sure that Brian didn't see. Justin tries again, and the same thing happens. And terror is written all over his face. Brian walks back to bed and asks whether Justin's drawing naked pictures of him again. Justin chuckles that he's just doodling. Brian goes down on him anyway, saying that he, too, is just "doodling." With his tongue. Justin gives up, but keeps looking at his own hand.
Breakfast at the Liberty Diner. Brian and Mike sit in a booth together, and I still can't believe these people get up early enough to have breakfast out before going to work. I can barely get up early enough to exercise before going to work, and that's only twenty-five minutes with Denise Austin on television in my living room, five feet from the bed. And I still have to give myself a pep talk every morning. Unless, for some reason, I'm already awake, getting up two hours early to have breakfast with a bunch of people I see every single day anyway? Is not going to happen. Anyway, Mike mumbles about changing his hairstyle -- maybe buzzing it or bleaching it blonde. Brian asks Mike what's wrong. Mike says nothing's wrong. Brian says that every time something goes wrong in Mike's life, he thinks about doing something to his hair. Mike doesn't think so. Debbie comes by with coffee and Brian tells her that Mike wants to do something to his hair. Debbie, predictably, wants to know what's wrong. Mike finally growls, "It just feels like everybody's life is speeding along. Lindsay and Melanie are getting married. Justin's going to art school, and he was practically dead a couple of months ago, for fuck's sake! And I'm still stuck at the starting gate!" Debbie's all, when did this become a race? Mike pouts, "Since I started coming in last!" Debbie tells him to do something about it, then: "After all, you're cute. You're young. You're hung." Which qualifies him to do what? Start a new career as a male stripper? ["Plus why does Mike's MOM know he's hung?" -- Wing Chun] Mike doesn't know what to do. Brian snaps that he should quit working at the Big Q. Mike would like to, but he has "obligations." To, uh, "others." Debbie knows he's talking about her, and informs him that his first obligation is to himself. What's going to make him happy? Mike takes so long to answer that Brian finally sighs, "Should we hum the theme to Jeopardy?" Mike growls at Brian to fuck off, and then adds, "What would make me happy is to get to work on time and not get shit from my boss!" The day hasn't even started and already he's screwed. Emmett droops over to the booth. Mike was worried, since Emmett didn't come home the night before. Debbie hopefully cackles, "Someone got lucky!" Emmett frowns, "Good for him. I spent the night at Ted's." Playing twenty rounds of "Hide the Lube," no doubt. Sounds like fun. Well, I guess that would depend on where you're hiding it. Aw, man -- now they've got me doing it. Ted's in trouble, Emmett continues, and the only thing to do is to hold an intervention. Debbie's all, is it booze? Nope. Dick. Namely, his own. Brian snorts, "Schmuck. He couldn't even get a decent addiction." Oh, yeah, Brian. Because having an audience makes all the difference.
Ted's. Ted's watching a porno from the couch. He looks up as the camera pans over to the other side of the living room, where Brian, Emmett, and Mike hover with concern. Ted hunches down even more and peers up at them with Gollum-like apprehension. Emmett warns his friends not to get too close: "He might ask you to squeeze something." Oh, God, STOP IT, right now! Ted shrugs like, so what's up, guys? Emmett announces that Ted has a problem. Brian's still trying to figure out whether this is a joke. Mike just shakes his head. Ted says they shouldn't worry: "I've got the situation in hand." Uh huh. Ted says that he's just relieving a little tension. Right. I've got this theory that there's a connection between sperm loss and the use of bad puns. Think about it. It would explain a lot. Mike attempts, "Just remember, you have so much to give -- so many gifts." Brian looks over at Michael in disbelief. Seriously, does anyone fall for that? Brian's more or less done and cuts to the chase: "You know what? Fuck this! Get off your ass and go take a shower. You reek. And go find a job." Wounded, Ted protectively clutches his robe around himself. Emmett tries to put a lighter spin on things; he knows that Ted's just having a self-esteem crisis, but he'll be okay. As Emmett and Mike lead Ted to the bathroom, Emmett finishes, "So allow us to love you until you can love yourself." Mike's like, uh, I think he's loved himself enough. Ba-dum-bump. Brian opens up his cell phone and calls his office. He asks for someone named Oliver. Brian starts to pace, but stops when he gets a sticky tissue stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Gack. In a nice bit of physical comedy, Brian tries to shake the tissue loose while setting up an interview for Ted with his agency's accounting department. Brian can't get rid of the tissue. He tries scraping it off on the carpet. Nothing. In minor annoyance, he tries scraping it off on a coffee table leg. No go. And you know there's no way in hell he's reaching down and ripping it off. Brian hangs up the phone and tells Ted about the interview, screaming through the door, "So don't fuck it up!" Ted emerges, pale and wobbly, and replies, "Don't worry, I'm too sore to fuck anything!" Mike and Emmett drag him back to the shower.
Justin's first art class. Seven easels surround a nude male model. The professor -- a hip black woman -- tells her proto-artists to focus on the "musculature of the back and the buttocks." Right. But what about those people facing the guy? Are they just supposed to use their imagination? She wanders past Justin just as his hand goes out of control. The professor asks if something's wrong. Justin assures her that everything's fine. But it's really not.
Q-Mart. Mike runs in, adjusting his tie. Tracy -- whose hair has thankfully grown out since last week -- asks where he's been, and warns that His Awfulness has been asking about him. Off-camera, Andrew snarls, "Nice of you to join us, Novotny." Mike apologizes. Awful Andrew snipes, "Maybe waltzing in anytime you please was okay when you were running things, but I'm in charge now." Tracy and Mike glare at him. Mike apologizes with a little more force this time. His Royal Assholeness says that he isn't trying to give Mike a hard time -- it's just that Andrew depends on Mike a lot. For example, some kid just threw up in the store, and who could do clean-up detail better than Michael? Mike sucks it up and says he'll get to it right away; Andrew slithers off. Tracy wants to know how Mike puts up with all this crap. Mike's too frustrated to answer.
PIFA. Justin is still in the same room, trying to finish his sketch. The Dean of the school walks in to discuss Justin's problems in class earlier. Wow, the Dean wants to talk to him already? They must have a really long wait list. Justin says that there's not a problem! His hand just get tired sometimes, but that's it. Justin even quotes his occupational therapist, who assured him that the strength in Justin's hands will come back. The Dean asks to see his sketch. Justin protests that it's not finished. The Dean flips through the sketchpad with concern. Justin looks down. The Dean says that Justin's very talented, but that the program is pretty strenuous, and Justin might want to consider whether he's up to it. Dude. It's the first day. Ouch. Having dropped that lovely bit of goodness and light, Dean Larsen walks out with a smile.
Mike walks into Buzzy's comic-book store, looking like he just made it home. Buzzy asks Mike how it's going. Mike says it's much better now, thanks, and did Buzzy get a chance to order the Justice League comic that Mike wanted? Buzzy says he did, but that it might not get there in time. In time for what? Buzzy's moving to Florida at the end of the month. Permanently. And closing the store. "Twenty years is long enough. I'm going to kick back, smoke some weed. Do some fishing. Maybe I'll start up a band. That's always been a dream of mine." Mike pastes on the Dumb And Happy Smile, and wishes Buzzy good luck, but oh, man.
Babylon! Okay, let's see if I can describe this right. Men dressed in silver bodysuits with wide wing-sleeves and antennaed silver skullcaps, looking like eight-foot-tall galactic butterflies, dance around on the raised platforms. There also seem to be gigantic Japanese fans involved. I don't know what to tell you. The Boys watch from the usual stairway. Emmett tells Ted that he's proud of him for getting up and getting out, finally. And getting a job. Ted says it's all thanks to Brian. Brian shrugs that he just told Oliver that Ted was really boring, which is apparently like crack in Accountant World. Ted thanks him anyway: "In fact, out of the six billion people in the world, I'm sure that I rank somewhere below the countries of Zambia and Zimbabwe, but if there's anything I can do to return the favor...." Brian says that there is: just ignore him when they're at work, all right? Ted's like, that will be no problem. Brian offers Mike a bump, but Mike angrily pushes it away. What's his problem? Mike grouses that his favorite comic-book shop is closing because the owner's moving to Florida: "Even fucking Buzzy has a dream." Ted asks, because he didn't quite hear that, "Who's fucking Buzzy?" Brian snerks, "No one. I've seen him." Emmett's like, aren't there any other comic-book stores in Pittsburgh? Well, yeah, but Buzzy's was Mike's place. He'd been going there since he was ten years old. Oh, I'm feelin' him. I remember the day they closed down my favorite comic-book store. I came home from college one day, and there it wasn't. And any time I drive by, I still feel this little...sob! Justin walks in, looking for Brian. He's obviously hopped up on something. Brian gives him a big kiss, then asks why Justin isn't home getting ready for school. Justin says that he isn't going. Emmett grimaces, "Let me guess -- you heard that they're going to make you draw vaginas?" Justin's like, no, I quit. Yeah, you heard him. Justin shrugs, "Well, I can't draw anymore, so what's the point of wasting my time. When I could be here, popping pills and drinking beer and sticking my gimp hand down guys' pants." To illustrate, he sticks his hand down an HDGB's pants and asks him if he wants to dance. The HDGB is all, oh, yeah, baby! They boogie off, and Mike asks Brian what the hell that was. Brian grimly replies, "Pain management."
Big Q-Mart. Mike and Tracy hang a huge banner that proclaims, "Big Q's Annual Sidewalk Sale! Fun for the Whole Family!" Bunches of red, white, and blue balloons hang from all the racks. Mike groans that he can't wait for it to be over: "Fun for the Whole Family. More like, 'Here's your balloon, kid, now shut up and let me shop!'" Tracy giggles. Mike asks who this year's "victim" is. Tracy says it's Sally, the new cashier. Mike shrugs, "She's sweet. At least she was until today. Today we drain her of her soul, her dignity." The Asshole walks up holding a clown costume. He says that Sally called in sick, and tries to hand the outfit to Mike. Andrew says it's all Mike's, since the newest employee gets the "honor." Tracy protests that Michael isn't the new employee, but technically he is, since he quit and then came back. Mike's not doing it.
The shot features Mike all clowned up, holding a bunch of balloons. Kids circle around him and try and grab at the balloons. Mike hands a white one to a small boy, who pouts, "I wanted a red one." Mike snarls, "Life sucks, kid!" Oh, but it gets better. Mel and L. have just walked in, pushing Gus in a stroller. What they're doing there in the middle of a work day is anyone's guess. Lindsay peers at the clown and tells Melanie that she thinks that's Michael. The two walk over slowly, as Melanie mutters, "What would he be doing in a clown suit? He's a manager, they don't make managers clowns." That one's too easy. Let's move on. Mike spots them and tries to hide behind his balloons. Too late. Lindsay asks for a balloon for Gus. Mike tries to hand Lindsay all of them, so that he can still hide. Mel reminds him that they only need one. Lindsay asks if he knows Michael Novotny? Then, she's like, hey, you are Michael Novotny! Melanie's mortified for him, but can't keep from laughing. Mike growls, "Don't ask. And don't tell, especially Brian!" Because God forbid Brian should be tempted to think any less of Mike. Lindsay laughs, "There have been some great clowns! Bozo, Emmett Kelly --" Don't forget Debbie! Mike walks away in disgust.
Brian's advertising agency. Have they ever given this place a name? Brian walks down the hall with a colleague as Ted passes by. Ted breaks his promise by yelling across the hallway, "Hey, guys, how's it going?" Brian pretends that he has no idea who Ted is. Snicker. The two men walk into what seems to be the graphic-design room. They go over to a guy at one of the computer terminals, who's designing an ad mockup by moving the stylus over the screen to create, dare I say it, ART. Shep makes red poppies, green leaves, point and click, bigger seeds, whatever he thinks Brian wants. A big lightbulb goes off over Brian's head with an almost audible click.
Ted's new office. Ted sits behind a stack of papers, as his new boss briefs him on the many things he needs to know about the wide, wonderful world of ad-agency accounting. With each bit of information, Ted responds that he's familiar with it; it's just like his old job. Sudddenly, Ted can see the New Boss in peephole-vision as he drones, "We pad our client billing." Ted intones, "Just like my last job." New Boss drones, "And we walk around like we're dead inside." Ted intones, "Just like my last job." New Boss snaps him back to attention, and the viewer to the regular camera view. Ted jumps and says he'll get on it right away! And then calls his New Boss "Wertshafter." New Boss could care less, and ambles off. Ted's cell phone rings, and he holds it up to his ear with a wrist-bandaged hand. Nice touch. It's Emmett, checking up on him. Ted says it's "glorious," adding, "I have a desk and a chair and a computer." Emmett wants to know what the color scheme is. Ted says it's beigey-grey, or greyish-beige, depending on how you want to look at it; it's all death by boredom. Emmett, flipping through a set of pictures and not really paying attention, says it sounds perfect! Stay in touch, but stay off the internet! Bye-ee!
Emmett hangs up just as Mike walks in the door. Emmett shakes his head over the pictures and grins, "You look good with a little makeup." Mike instantly misunderstands, thinking that Mel and L. told Emmett about the clown gig. Emmett's like, uh, the pictures from PrideFest came back: "And forgive me for saying this, but you make one bitchin' broad." Mike breathes a sigh of relief, and then shakes his head: "There I am, kissing my boss. The biggest asshole in the world." Dude, Emmett got pictures of that? BLACKMAIL! Emmett drawls, "Well, that's what Pride is all about. Love and forgiveness, I mean." And then he frowns. Is Michael wearing blush? Michael scowls off to the bathroom and finishes wiping the clown makeup off. He plops down onto the couch and stews. Looking up, he sees his big Captain Astro mural. Hmmmm. He goes into his room and gets the issue of Astro Comics #1 that Brian bought him for his birthday, and looks it over.
Later, back at the loft, Brian's brought home the computer from work. It sits patiently on the desk as he does many crunches on the floor. I'm just going to take that as a shout-out, because it's been a tough week. Justin stumbles in and Brian smirks, "The Lost Boy returns." Justin pads into the kitchen, grabs a bottle of water, and pours it over his head. Like Brian did in the premiere. Because Justin's using drugs and sex to forget his private pain like Brian's been doing his entire life. Because Justin's life is supposed to parallel Brian's. He's just like Brian. Got that? Justin ambles over to his future self, and Brian wipes his face off with a towel. Brian asks how Daphne is. Justin says that Daphne and her roomies had to study: "Fortunately, that's no longer my problem." And we couldn't have seen Daphne first-hand? What did I ever do to CowLip to deserve such a dis? Oh. Never mind. Justin said that he went to Woody's , and got bought a lot of drinks: "They all wanted to fuck me. Thank God I still have my looks." Justin says he turned everyone down so that he could come home to Brian. Brian pushes him away and says, fine, but come see what I got you! He leads Justin over to the computer. Justin recognizes what it is, and says he's not interested in what he calls "false hope." But Brian's like, hey, you can draw on the screen -- it's just like a pencil or pen but it's easier to control, isn't this cool? Justin snarls, "You mean with my gimp hand?" Brian mutters, "And there's a million special effects that you can create with it. Stop being a fucking princess and come give it a try." Justin's like, oh, why, just to make Brian happy? He asks, "So you can tell yourself you fixed Little Justin's problems and made everything all better? Well, you can't fix this -- no one can." I call dibs in the bitch-slap line behind Brian! Brian's amazed that Justin would quit so easily. Miss Teen Drama Queen storms, "It's over, all right? Accept it. I'm not going to draw again! And no fucking electronic Crayola box is going to change that!" He invites Brian to have sex with him before he passes out. Oh, yeah, that's attractive. Good thing he got the Semi-Annual Blowjob the night before.
Big Q-Mart. The Truck Guys are teasing Mike about dressing up as a clown. Tracy shoos them away. Then Awful Andrew shows up with the clown suit again, because Mike did such a "great" job the first time. Mike refuses to don the ruffles. Andrew's like, you don't get to refuse, I'm the manager! Mike snorts, yeah, like he could ever forget that: "What you can't forget is that the only reason you have this job is because I left. My only mistake was that I should never have come back!" Andrew insists that Mike put on the clown suit. Mike refuses once more. Andrew smirks that Mike had better, or else he's fired. Shyeah, don't threaten Mike with a good time. Mike gets in Andrew's face and snaps, "Fuck. You." Mike walks past him, gives Tracy a kiss goodbye, then grabs Andrew and kisses him, too, fast and hard. "So long, Loverboy," Mike purrs, lifting a knowing eyebrow. Andrew's in shock. Neeter, neeter, neeter, you kissed a gu-uy! Mike tosses off his tie and gleefully runs out of the store.
Liberty Diner. Justin carries two coffee carafes, warning, "Hot stuff coming through!" Debbie pinches his butt and crows, "No kidding! Woo!" Debbie needs new material, because Justin is less than amused. Lindsay sits at the counter watching Emmett eat a donut with a knife and a fork. What's Lindsay doing here? In the middle of the day? Without Melanie? Or the baby? Is she working or not? Anyway, Lindsay's never seen anyone eat pastry with a knife and fork. Is that a southern thing? Emmett says no, it's more of a trying to survive with six brothers and sisters thing. He tells Lindsay to try and grab the donut. She does, and Emmett nearly spears her hand with the fork. He explains that it was the best way to protect his food when he was a kid. As Lindsay laughs, Emmett asks Justin for coffee. Justin tries to pour the coffee into Emmett's cup, but he loses control and he spills all over the counter. Debbie sympathetically tells him to give his hand a rest. Justin snaps at her -- snaps, okay -- for her to "mind [her] own fucking business!" Okay, Debbie can cut in the bitch-slap line in front of me. Debbie blinks, and asks what he said. Justin repeats it. Debbie's like, yeah, I heard you, I just wanted to make sure I heard you right. Justin tells her to leave him the fuck alone. Debbie pulls him aside. She knows what's happening to him sucks, and she's not going to try to blow sunshine up his ass about it, "because if anyone had [done that to her] when Vic was dying, [she] would have punched them right in the fucking mouth. All [Justin] can do at a time like this is just hang on until the scenery changes." She says that, until then, you know, just let her handle the coffee, okey doke? Justin smiles wanly. Oh, and another thing; she adds, "The time you talk to me like that, I'm going to rip you a new butthole so big you can stick a cannon up your ass." These people sure have strange ideas about punishment. Lindsay walks up to Justin and smiles, "Something tells me you need a break."
Ron and Dan's Anvil Annex, a.k.a. the Art Gallery. Lindsay and Justin wander through a new exhibit. Oh, right. Plot contrivance. That's what she was doing at the diner. Lindsay asks Justin what he thinks of the paintings. Justin pouts. Lindsay prompts. Justin rolls his eyes and rattles off some stuff about color and composition that I couldn't even begin to understand, let alone take the time to transcribe. They step around the anvils littering the floor and stop in front of a portrait that Lindsay calls "a sad young man." Justin nods, "Yeah, who needs to look at that?" Lindsay pokes, "Especially when you've got a mirror." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Justin ignores that comment and points to another picture that he likes better: "It's less representational, it's more spontaneous, it's more...angry." Lindsay prods, "Like what you're feeling?" Oh-kaaay. We get it. You can knock it off now. A paraplegic woman in a wheelchair rolls on over. Oh, for God's sake. She and Lindsay exchange air kisses, and Lindsay congratulates her on the show. Set phasers on "Overkill." Lindsay introduces her as Adrienne Bennett. She tells Adrienne that Justin's an artist, too, and he was just commenting on the spontaneity and anger in one of her paintings. Adrienne chuckles, "I was in a mood that day." She asks Justin what type of art he does. Justin says he doesn't anymore, actually. Adrienne snorts, "Christ, if I couldn't work, I'd wheel myself off a cliff." Anvils, anvils everywhere, over here and under there. In my hair and on the stair. Anvils, anvils, everywhere and arrgh, arrgh, arrgh! Our little blonde Exposition Fairy asks how she does it. Adrienne grins, "The way two snails fuck. Very slowly." FYI, she has a special sling that goes over her good arm, which helps her control the brush. Justin says it sounds hard. If Adrienne could shrug, she would: "What's easy besides complaining?" Lindsay rolls her eyes: "As if you never did that." Adrienne snaps, "Back off, bitch, or I'll roll over your foot." Everyone laughs, because brave women in wheelchairs are cool. Adrienne continues that she, too, was pretty upset after her accident: "In fact, I was offering big bucks to anyone who would shoot me." She intuits that Justin is probably feeling the same way. Adrienne sighs, "It ain't the end of the world, kid. Unless you want it to be." Then she asks Justin to pick a painting, because she wants to give him one.
Debbie lets herself into Mike's apartment. She went by the store; they told her that Mike quit, and she's freaking out. What? Where's all the support you were spouting this morning? Debbie drives me crazy. Of course, my own mother often drives me crazy in much the same way, so maybe that's the point. Mike grumps that he's following his dream. Debbie's all, you dreamt of being unemployed? Brian walks in from the bathroom and tells Debbie to back off the man. Debbie's not surprised that Brian's involved in this. Brian says he didn't have anything to do with it, actually. Debbie doesn't believe that for a second. Brian's like, it's Mike's life, he can do what he wants. Debbie snaps, "Yeah, that's easy for you to say -- you can pay your bills." Good grief, just shut up for a second and let Mike explain, already. He's trying to auction something on eBay. Fearless product placement! Yay! Brian chuckles that, if he's trying to sell his mother, "Better start the bidding low." Debbie smacks him. Mike's auctioning off the comic book Brian bought him. Brian's not too pleased about that; that comic cost a lot of money. Mike explains that he's going to use the money to buy the comic-book store. Debbie yells that that's crazy! Mike yells back that it's better than being a miserable Q-Martyr for the rest of his life! That's all Brian needs to hear, and he asks how high the bidding's gone. Mike says it's up to a thousand dollars. Brian's outraged, because the comic cost him way more than that. He tells Mike to scoot over. Debbie paces in front of them. If Mike asks really nicely, she mumbles, and apologizes maybe the Q-Mart will take him back. Mike tells Brian that there's only five minutes left in the auction. Brian decides to put in a bid for five thousand dollars, because "the secret to getting someone to want something is to convince them that someone else wants it more." A little lesson he learned from Justin once. Debbie snorts that that will never work. But she wasn't in Babylon that night, so she wouldn't know. And it does work. The bid goes up to six thousand dollars. Debbie moves in to take a closer look.
The video store. Ted's dropping off his rentals, housed in a very large department-store bag. Melanie's there, too, so I guess they had lunch. After putting all the videos on the counter, he tells Quentin the cashier that he'll bring the rest back tomorrow. Melanie's all, "The rest?!" Ted and Melanie are turning to go when another man holds up three videos and asks Quentin which video he should get. Quentin snorts, "You think I watch this shit?" He nods to Ted and says the dude should ask him. Ted looks at the choices and determines, "Your Ass-Licked Park. Excellent rimming scene between a paleontologist and a stegosaurus. Forest Dump. Some idiot gives Nixon a plate job in the Oval Office. Oh, definitely this one, Arm-n'-head-in. It's got the best fisting scene on an asteroid headed to earth ever filmed." Melanie hides her face in embarrassment. The other guy shakes his head in amazement.
Outside, Melanie agrees that Ted is amazing, all right. She adds, "Although I wouldn't call knowing every boy-bang flick ever made a significant contribution to cultural literacy." Ted snorts, "Hey, Missy Big Words, I'm not ashamed of loving porn!" Porn, Ted says, provides an important social service. Melanie's all, shyeah, right! Ted explains, "Take a guy like me, renting a video. What are my choices? A moronic comedy, a cop drama staring some brainless actor shooting off his little gun, or...an exotic fantasyland filled with beautiful men, all of whom are there for the sole purpose of pleasing me." I'm with him until he adds that it's his "chance to be Brian Kinney. Fuck anyone" he wants. Jesus, Ted. You know Brian Kinney. Why on earth would you want to be him? Melanie still doesn't get it, because pornography is a dirty, dirty business. Why? It's not like it's run by the mob. Or, like, Congress. Ted doesn't understand how making people happy is a dirty business. Especially compared to what he does all day: "Crunching numbers so some asshole can cheat Uncle Sam out of a few bucks! Now that's what I call porn! There's no socially redeeming value whatsoever." Before Ted can properly warm to that subject, Melanie says that he does provide a valuable service as an accountant. Ted snorts, "Yeah? When was the last time I made you come?" Must. Get. Brain. Windex. Melanie grins, "1998. I got a big refund." She kisses Ted goodbye and goes back to work. Ted's attention is caught by the monitors inside the video store. One is hooked up to a camera that's shooting the outside through the window bars; from Ted's perspective, it looks like he's caught in a cage. Trapped! Unable to Follow His Dream! And in his head, he hears, "Yeah. Go for it!"
Mike's. Mike grumbles that the comic is stuck at six thousand dollars. Brian pushes the price up to seven thousand, even though there's only thirty seconds left. Someone in the ether bids eight thousand dollars. Debbie urges Mike to take it, take it, but Mike explains that it's not the way it works; he has to take whatever the highest bid is at the end. Someone else bids nine thousand. Debbie shrieks that she can't look and buries her head into the top of her son's, covering his eyes with her talons. Mike has to push her off. With ten seconds to go, the bid is still stuck on nine thousand dollars. Mike's sweating. With five seconds to go, even Brian's sweating. Then, with, like two seconds to go, the bid goes up to ten thousand dollars. Cue laughter! Screaming! Jumping around! Debbie shrieks, "Oh, and to think I used to yell at you for reading them!" Mike grabs Brian and kisses him! Brian grins in relief.
Later at Woody's, Emmett congratulates Mike on buying the store: "Finally I can get a fabulous discount on something I have no desire to own. Why couldn't your dream have been cashmere?" Melanie says that her grandfather owned a dry-goods store and he used to say, "Better to work for yourself, than some meshugine ganif!" ["That's Yiddish for 'crazy thief,' by the way." -- Wing Chun] Is that true, Wing? ["Yes and no. Sigh." -- Wing Chun] Lindsay laughs, "He knew what he was talking about, even if no one else did!" This time, Brian grabs Mike and kisses him. Mike asks why. Brian grins, as he always does, "You are so pathetic." Mike's not sure where this is going. Brian's all, what if it didn't work out? Mike shrugs, "Well, then I guess I'd have no money, no job, no nothing." Brian grins, "Nothing but the biggest balls in the whole fucking world." And about damn time, too. Ted shuffles over to the table, carrying shots for everyone. They're all happy to see him, but surprised. Brian speaks for everyone when he smirks, like, isn't Ted supposed to be home, jerking off? Ted thanks his friends for helping him through this tough time. He's finally ready to become a productive member of society again. He explains, "I want to give back to the community, feel a sense of pride, of purpose." So he's quitting his job. And, uh, starting his own porn website. Huh. ["It's a pretty good idea, actually. Porn sells." -- Wing Chun] Brian snorts and knocks back his shot. Mike chirps with commercial-like enthusiasm, "Well, at least he's following his dream!" Hal and Gale fake big, cheesy happy expressions at each other and raise their glasses at each other. Bwa! Well, as long as guys acknowledge what's going on here, huh?
Brian's. Justin slumps in a chair across from his gift from the Hammer Goddess: a painting of some very thin sneering guy wearing goggles on top of his head. Brian hops out of the shower and wanders across the bathroom, giving us the faintest hint of a dick shot. No, I didn't rewind to make sure. Okay, fine. I did. Now leave me alone. Justin watches Brian wrap a towel around his waist, grab an apple, and lie down on the bed to eat it. Justin stares at him for a moment, then ambles past his sketchbook over to the computer screen, deciding to give this new-fangled draw-ering machine a shot.
The morning, Mike opens the door to his comic-book store for the very first time. Before he walks in, the femme Elvises from Woody's walk by on the street, singing "Follow that Dream" once last time. That's it. I could never live in Pittsburgh. There's just way too many morning people there. Mike steps in, throws his keys on the counter, and surveys his new domain. Yay, Mikey!
week: Ted names his website "JerkAtWork.net," specifically geared toward bored office workers, those near and dear to his...uh, heart. Ted tries to convince Zack O'Tool to appear on his website by using the pithy line, "How about sharing your member with our members?" Zack bails on Ted, so Emmett has to take over. The Usual Suspects notice that Brian and Justin are getting way couple-y, and Brian overhears some dork scoffing at him for being in "a relationship." Debbie tells Brian, "Tell [Justin] what you could never say to Michael. Admit the truth. You love him."